also visit Shelley's page and for videos and audio or others speaking out. www.myspace.com/shelleylubben

The Truth Behind the Fantasy of Porn

by

Shelley Lubben, Former Porn Actress

Dedicated to all the porn actresses who caught HIV, died from drug overdose and committed suicide.


Sex-packed porn films featuring freshly-dyed blondes whose evocative eyes say "I want you" is quite possibly one of the greatest deceptions of all time. Trust me, I know. I did it all the time and I did it for the lust of power and the love of money. I never liked sex. I never wanted sex, and in fact I was more apt to spend time with Jack Daniels than some of the studs I was paid to "fake it" with. That's right, none of us freshly-dyed blondes like doing porn. In fact, we hate it. We hate being touched by strangers who care nothing about us. We hate being degraded with their foul smells and sweaty bodies. Some women hate it so much they can be heard vomiting in the bathroom between scenes. Others can be found outside smoking an endless chain of Marlboro lights…

But the porn industry wants YOU to think we porn actresses love sex. They want you to think we enjoy being degraded by all kinds of repulsive acts. The truth, porn actresses have showed up on the set not knowing about certain requirements and were told by porn producers to do it or leave without being paid. Work or never work again. Yes, we made the choice. Some of us needed the money. But we were manipulated and coerced and even threatened. Some of us caught HIV as a result of that coercion. I personally caught Herpes, a non-curable sexually transmitted disease. Another porn actress went home after a long night of numbing her pain and put a pistol to her head and pulled the trigger. Now she's dead.

It's safe to say most women who turn to porn acting as a money-making enterprise, probably didn't grow up in healthy childhoods either. Indeed, many actresses admit they've experienced sexual abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse and neglect by parents. Some were raped by relatives and molested by neighbors. When we were little girls we wanted to play with dollies and be mommies, not have big scary men get on top of us. So we were taught at a young age that sex made us valuable. The same horrible violations we experienced then, we relive as we perform our tricks in front of the camera. And we hate every minute of it. We're traumatized little girls living on anti-depressants, drugs and alcohol acting out our pain in front of you who continue to abuse us.

As we continue to traumatize ourselves by making more adult films, we use more and more drugs and alcohol. We live in constant fear of catching AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases. Every time there's an HIV scare we race to the nearest clinic for an emergency checkup. Pornographers insist on giving viewers the fantasy sex they demand all the while sacrificing the very ones who make it happen. In other words, no condoms allowed. Herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, and other diseases are the normal anxieties we walk around with daily. We get tested monthly but we know testing isn't prevention. Besides worrying about catching diseases from porn sex, there are other harmful activities we engage in that are also very dangerous. Some of us have had physical tearing and damage to internal body parts.

When porn actresses call it a day and head home we attempt to have normal healthy relationships, but some of our boyfriends get jealous and physically abuse us. So instead we marry our porn directors, while others prefer lesbian relationships. It's a real memory making moment when our daughter accidentally walks out and sees mommy kissing another girl. My daughter will vouch for that one.

On our days off we walk around like zombies with a beer in one hand and a shot of whiskey in the other. We aren't up to cleaning so we live in filth most of the time, or we hire a sweet foreign lady to come in and clean up our mess. Porn actresses aren't the best cooks either. Ordering in is normal for us and most of the time we throw up after we eat because we're bulimic.

For porn actresses who have children, we are the world's worst mothers. We yell and scream and hit our kids for no reason. Most of the time we are intoxicated or high, and our four year olds are the ones picking us up off the floor. When clients come over for sex, we lock our children in their rooms and tell them to be quiet. I used to give my daughter a beeper and tell her to wait at the park until I was finished.

The truth is there is no fantasy in porn. It's all a lie. A closer look into the scenes of a porn star's life will show you a movie that the porn industry doesn't want you to see. The real truth is we porn actresses want to end the shame and trauma of our lives but we can't do it alone. We need you men to fight for our freedom and give us back our honor. We need you to hold us in your strong arms while we sob tears over our deep wounds and begin to heal. We want you throw out our movies and help piece together the shattered fragments of our lives. We need you to pray for us so God will hear and repair our ruined lives.

So don't believe the lie anymore. Porn is nothing more than fake sex and lies on videotape. Trust me, I know.


www.shelleylubben.com to hear more pornstars share their experiences









RESPONSE: i thank you all for your sharing your thought and comments (even the harsh and judgemental ones). for those who dont agree with my 'argument' - well i'm not making any argument - i'm only sharing something that touched my heart and gave me a different perspective about something that i previously enjoyed before being exposed to a fuller understanding. in my ignorance i watched my share of porn and even became a 'fan' of a few girls... i had NO idea! i'm only saying that my heart goes out to the many women in the adult film industry who in the search for love and acceptance often feel rejected and looked down upon, like nobody cares about them - WELL I CARE! i care about them as people and i care what they're going through.... and just ask that you join me in sending prayers out to those who might want to find a way out of porn but feel trapped.


in the words of Daphne Khouri
There was a time in my career when I was an honesty queen. If I were dancing for someone and they asked me a question about my childhood, I would start to tell them. The look on some of their faces was priceless. They went from being really turned on to really turned off. They’d get up and leave. At the time, I didn’t think the stories were disturbing, I was just talking casually. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong. After awhile, I started to see that maybe some of my experiences weren’t so normal. Now I understand that what I had done was destroy their fantasy. I broke the illusion. Suddenly, from their perspective, I went from being a beautiful sex goddess to a REAL person with real sexual trauma. The truth about the danger and hazards of the sex industry have the power to destroy the fantasies from which this industry thrives. If a woman is honest she will tell you that lying is the best way to make money in the industry. The lie keeps the companies safe and the patrons happy. It’s a lot easier to look at porn when you don’t know the truth. Even when women or men in the sex industry defend their choices, ask them if they would want their son or daughter to work in the industry and a look of horror usually passes their face. It’s easier to objectify those you don’t care about. It’s important to warn people who are mesmerized by the glamour of pornography (both men and women) before they get themselves into a mine field, making decisions to be in and part of a world which ends up looking more like guerilla warfare in Vietnam than glamour in Paris. A lot of girls walk blindly into stripping and porn and then end up in situations like mine. This industry feeds off young girls who are insecure and broken, promising them fortune and glamour. I was so damaged, I would get on stage the night after having been raped. G-d forbid that I’d have to pay extra fines for being absent or late. I’ve seen girls have major drug overdoses and walk right back into work. It’s a mode of survival. And these companies don’t care about the damage they are doing to the girls; they are thinking about how much money they can get out of a girl before she has been worn in and torn out. The industry is all about selling a fantasy. It’s like a mirage in a desert. You are so thirsty and then go to a pond of water. After the fantasy fades, you lay there, your mouth full of sand and more in need of water than you were at the beginning. Only, you’d be lucky if that were the worst thing that could happen to you from buying a fantasy. You’d be real lucky. Some people pay with their lives. Shelley Lubben has a really powerful slideshow on her myspace page dedicated to dead sex workers. Next to each photograph is how they died. A good number commit suicide or die from drug abuse, both men and women. For all the money that is gained in the industry, what is that worth compared to the loss of someone’s soul?