Hello Children,
We've been getting many requests for gigs here at the Gingerbread House so I thought I'd provide you all with our rider - our demands on you, our booker, that must be met in order for us to perform.
Please remember these requirements are in addition to the €500,000 performance fee and that these requirements can change at any time.
YOUR CUNTING DAUGHTER'S RIDER
1 - The venue must be checked by bomb-sniffing dogs prior to our arrivalThink this is to much to ask for? Well this is how we left the last pub we played.
2 - Instruments We destroy ours at every show. We require -
Tama SE72V8-AFT, Warlord Exotix
Sabian Paragon Neil Peart complete Set
Gibson Super 400 CES NA
TONEWORKS AX3000G, Guitar Multieffect-Board
Soldano SLO100 Guitar Head
Mesa Boogie Roadster 212 Guitar Combo
RKS Guitars A-Bass Solid 5-String Bass
Electro Harmonix Bass Microsynth
Ampeg SVT Classic Head
8x10 Classic speaker Enclosure
SE Electronics Z 5600A MK II
Leads ect.
3 - Jim's VIP Back Stage Lounge.
(Artists Rendition)
The lounge area is to be decorated with flat pack furniture bought from Ikea and assembled on the day of the performance.
Tables will be made from female relatives of the venue owner. The women will get down on all fours and have a sheet of clear perspex superglued to their backs.
Jim Cunting agrees he will not have sex with his tables.
Security are to be posted at the entrance to the lounge area to ensure that only Jim Cunting has access to the area and that the rest of the band do not get access.
4 - ChainsYour Cunting Daughter (with the exception of Jim Cunting) will be muzzled on arrival so muzzles will not be required. The Band must be chained to the stage to prevent their escape from Jim's clutches.
5 - "Drugs"
6 - Prostitutes (Two)
(Example)
Jim Cunting can no longer count on groupies to have sex with him after a performance - to this end he requires prostitutes to be on standby for six hours following the performance.
7 - YCD Guest Area
A section must be quardened off six feet from the front of the stage measuring six feet by six feet. This area will be reserved for special guests of Your Cunting Daughter.
8 - Jim's Private Toilet
Jim Cunting requires a private toilet in the venue. This private toilet must be a brand new "Port-a-potty" (Brand New meaning delivered straight from the factory to the venue.) This toilet must be used only by Jim Cunting and must be destroyed at the end of the performance.
9 - A Basket of "No Questions Asked" Puppies
10 - Mock NME / Rolling Stone magazinesThe venue must supply Your Cunting Daughter with copies of NME and Rolling Stone that have been re-edited so as to include photographs and articles about Your Cunting Daughter.
All of the venue staff are required to act as if these fake magazines are real and must pass comments along the lines of "I saw you on the cover of Rolling Stone Jim - you guys rule!"
11 - Merchandise Stand
The venue will undertake the creation of Your Cunting Daughter merchandise and will then create a merchandise stand outside the venue to sell the material. All merchandise will be marked "Your Cunting Daughter TM and © Jim Cunting"
The Merchandise stand will only accept cash and this cash must be delivered directly to Jim Cunting on a velvet pillow no more than twenty minutes after the performance has finished.
12 - Prohibited
The following items are prohibited in the venue while Your Cunting Daughter are in attendance
- Baseball caps
- Laser Pointers
- Lesbians
- The Elderly
- Soccer Balls
- Pro-life Ephemera
13 - Promotion
The Venue will undertake to promote the gig to the best of their ability. The term "to the best of their ability" in this case states that the venue owner or promoter must make an appearance on daytime television to tell the world of Your Cunting Daughter.
