Tales from the Porn Store: #66 - Screeched

Preface: I wrote most of this Tale a while back, almost 3 years ago I think. I didn't want to post it until I could actually see the Screeched DVD (which I didn’t really want to watch), so I could comment on the DVD since it’s relevant to this tale. Hence the delay of finishing this piece. So, today, I actually watched/skimmed through the DVD. I decided that it was now or never. I was either gonna finish this tale, or trash it altogether. So ladies and gentlemen after three years in the making, here are some derogatory thoughts on one steaming pile of pornographic dog shit.

***

3 Years ago: A few days ago, some friends and I where hanging out and making fun of various child TV stars. The ones in particular that we were talking about were those gimmicky typecast acting parts that utterly ruined any future chances of the actors ever being taken seriously as a legitimate actor or even a real human being for that matter. Horshack, Urkle, Eddie Munster, and Screech topped the list during the conversation, but let’s not forget about Ralph Mouth. At least in Urkle’s case, without the glasses, the pants pulled up to his throat, and the fake voice… he could probably pass for a normal human being. In fact, I bet in his regular street attire, no one has any idea that he used to be Urkle - if he’s lucky.

I had once watched some documentary on former child stars and they had this piece on the guy who played Arnold Horshack. Apparently he had a major emotional break down followed by a serious bout of depression or something to that effect, once Welcome Back Kotter ended and he couldn’t get any serious work as a legitimate actor. He even had plastic surgery, and I think speech lessons in hopes of being able to hide his true identity to improve his chances of getting hired as a legitimate actor. While this is not a bad plan, I would think that are more qualifications to getting people to pay you to be in their shows, commercials or movies, other than NOT looking like Arnold Horshack.

Since Arnold Horshack is now a giant ..Hollywood.. movie-star / super-power like John Travolta, his efforts obviously were very successful. Did you know that Arnold Horshack was a prime candidate for playing the role of Wolverine in the original X-men movie? It was neck and neck between him and Hugh Jackman for months, but obviously you can tell who won out in the end right? Maybe it’s about time for Horshack to leak his sex tapes.

Eventually, after talking a ton of shit on all the other child stars, we made our way over to the topic of the actor formerly known as Screech. Did you know that he played the Screech character for almost 13 years straight? I am not kidding, I looked it up. He was the one member of the Saved by the Bell cast that couldn’t get any other roles, so he kept doing all the shitty spin-offs, sequels, and movies. 13 fucking years! If he was normal going in, 13 years of being Screech would be certainly be enough to destroy any man.

My one friend told us about a porno that Dustin Diamond (Screech) recently did, that was going to be released, and I didn't believe him. My logic was simple. Who the fuck was going to pay money for that horseshit? Who was gonna pay to make it, and who was gonna pay to watch it? Well, sure enough, when I came in to work today, there it was: the newest Red Light District title, SCREECHED aka Saved by the Smell. Starring Dustin "Dirty Sanchez" Diamond (AKA Screech). So I stand corrected, and amazed… and confused… and a little disgusted!

Wow, so yeah. I ended up being totally wrong about this one. Red Light District is the company who also released the Paris Hilton, Chyna, & Tom Sizemore DVDs, & to make this DVD even weirder there is a Dirty Sanchez Scratch and sniff sticker on the front of the box... what the fuck is that all about? Also, NO, I didn’t smell it! Why the hell is he being called Dirty Sanchez?

Now I am picturing the porn being all about him getting prison raped by enormous guys, being given a Dirty Sanchez, and then getting stuffed into a locker on a poorly done DIY Saved by the Bell set. Yeah, that is exactly the kind of thing I want to see... right? Now there’s a picture of him with 2 girls on the DVD box. A supposed ‘bride to be’ and a bridesmaid. Maybe these two girls are the ones who administer the merciless rapings to Screech, smear his own shit on his top lip, and then stuff him into a locker?

So anyway… Dustin Diamond just might be the coolest motherfucker on the planet, but who wants to jerk off while watching Screech, from Saved by the Bell, gettin' it on? (Apparently a lot more people than I would have ever imagined… and please keep in mind that I have a very very low opinion of humanity to begin with.)

* * *

Modern Day: Ok, to be fair, I thought that after all the shit talking, I should at least watch this fucking DVD (with my pants on, of course), and include a brief overview of Screeched in the tales... just to be fair.

The first half an hour or so of this DVD is just bullshit. It’s pretty painful to even sit through. Dustin Diamond talks non-stop and reminds me of the really drunk Seth Rogan character in Knocked Up… the whole time… but he’s sober… it’s so embarrassing to be a part of the same species as this douche. This DVD is, without a doubt, definitely staged and it’s so unimaginative, ugh! It makes me cringe. How believable is it that some girl that’s getting married, and her bridesmaid, are gonna choose to doofus-bang Screech while all the other girls go to a bar, or doing anything that is not doofus-banging Screech? He talks the whole time, and you can tell that he thinks he is the funniest guy on Earth. What a fucking asshole! THEN, when the actual porn begins to draw near, he tries to act like a Trojan XL will barely fit him. I cannot stress enough how fucking sad and pathetic this guy is!

Eventually the sex finally starts, and what makes this a good thing is that Screech finally shuts the fucks up… not completely, but enough to offset the contrast to the point of making the porn better just by comparison. It starts out with the bride getting nailed doggy style while munching on the other girl. This had me cracking up because Screech (who is filming), zooms in on her tramp-stamp / semen bull’s-eye (of the girl who is about to get married), and it reads “James”. So they switch around a few times, and then the other girl ends up in doggy style, with the bride ass-fucking her with a double ended purple jelly dildo.

Next they are all in the bathroom and Dustin is back to talking and looking at himself in the mirror with the camera. This scene goes on forever and is so fucking annoying. Drunk giggling girls and a total fucking moron that just won’t shut up, I would be so goddamned mad if I paid for this! Dustin Diamond should have to personally come to the house of each and every person who watched this DVD, give them their money back, and then apologize for being born!

Ok, now here is the last part of this stupid fucking video. After the girls get out of the hot tub, they go back into the main room. He sticks his finger in the bridesmaid’s asshole (who is conveniently naked and waiting in doggy position on the bed for this very staged scene), and then more or less makes the bride smell it. His finger does touch her upper lip, but there is NO SHIT, therefore it is not a Dirty Sanchez! After this, he does a closing report - like he and his friends party like this all the time and keep score of all this shit they get girls to do on camera. Christ, if it weren’t for prostitutes, this asshole would still be a virgin!

Tales from the Porn Store: #65 - Tron

Tales from the Porn Store: #64 - A Day in the Life of Some Jerk who Works Downtown

As I turned the corner and walked down the sidewalk approaching the porn store, I noticed two things… it appears as though someone is doing something with the old pussy tea palace, and the other is that homeless man that has been sleeping in the wimp pussy tea palace doorway for the last few months is gone. In general I tend to fear change. Change very rarely brings something better. Though it would be incredibly awesome if someone opened an all wrestling themed store, another comic book store, or even a store that sells imported Japanese toys, anime and porn, realistically this has a 0% probability of actually happening. Boo!

About 30 minutes before the store opens, a crackhead is knocking on the door wanting to sell some videos. The store does buy videos, but since I always talk about buying stuff off of crackheads, let me elaborate. Your average person (in this part of town), who has never sold videos before, will come in and expect to get $10.00 for a DVD, even if we are selling 10 copies of the same DVD for $5.00. Then there are your average people (in general) who come in and try to get as much as they can by haggling a little bit, but in the end settle for a dollar or two for most of their videos (again we sell most of these general releases, which is what most people are selling, for $5.00-$10.00).

And then there are the crackheads. The crackheads usually come in really early or really late. There is always an obvious disconnect between themselves and what they are selling. And with these guys, sometimes I will end up buying 25 DVDs for $5.00. No one else in their right mind would make that kind of a deal; no one except for an addict that really needs that $5.00.

***

So I ended up buying 6 movies off that dude for $3.00, and luckily for me they are all cool movies that I can watch all day. So I pop in Way of the Gun which is an offbeat crime movie with Benicio Del Toro & James Caan. This is a great movie but the absolute highlight, which is a very small and insignificant part of the movie, is when the two main characters are screening as sperm donors and separately giving the doctor a very hard time about the questions he is asking them.

I sit and listen to the movie as I try to wrap up some unfinished writing. I like listening to good movies that I’ve already seen as I work on stuff. I am pretty sure that I originally saw this movie when I was in the hospital doing a medical study years ago. I remember the overall story, but had forgotten a lot of the details.

A little while passes and then a real mole-man comes in. He is definitely (and very obviously) homeless… and also crazy; but he keeps to himself. He talked to himself in a low voice the whole time he was in the store. He talked too low for me to make out anything that he was saying. But the real kicker here is that he kept doing this really weird escalating giggle every few minutes as he looked around. I kept waiting in expectance of something insane and bad to happen, but after he looked around for a while he left. Awesome!

***

After Way of the Gun, I watch Notorious. I’ve been wanting to see this movie for while now. It was entertaining, but it was also really weak and one dimensional. I will say this though; the girl who played L’il Kim was like 100 times more attractive than the real life L’il Kim. While watching Notorious, a woman came in. She looked like a man but when she talked, I could tell that she was a female. She was also, without a doubt a crackhead… so maybe I shouldn’t humanize ‘it’, by assigning ‘it’ a gender. After all, we all know that becoming a crackhead means that you must give up everything including your gender and humanity.

So, the crackhead came in, asked for money and tried to make me feel guilty because it is homeless. I guess it figures that if it can make me feel guilty, and then I will give it some crack-money. No deal! Next it pulls out tons of change and asks me to cash it in for paper money… I say no and tell it that the bank around the corner is open. Yes, I do bitch about people paying for shit in change, but I still take the sale. You know who will not accept a garbage bag of change? Drug dealers, that’s who!

In general, crackheads are extremely persistent, this one was no exception. It looked around, mumbled to itself, and just kept asking me one stupid question after another about the price of the videos. It then asked if it could hang out, as it was waiting on its ‘cousin’. I said ‘NO!”. It then went outside. I guess its ‘cousin’ did arrive because I then heard screaming and someone got slammed into the glass window and there was a really loud BANG. I went outside to see what was up, but they had already made it halfway down the block. They were screaming at each other and the smaller crackhead that had been in the store was hitting the cousin from behind as they walked up the street screaming at each other.

***

Next I popped in Superman II. I am not a huge Superman fan, but I had not seen this one since I was a kid, I bet 25 years ago. How the hell did Margot Kidder get into movies, she is pure anthropomorphic repulsion! It sucked, but I can appreciate how cool it must have been in 1980 when it came out. About halfway through the movie, some douchebag came in with $20 worth of Gold Dollars, and got pissy because I wouldn’t take them. I told him to go to the bank. Assholes!

After Superman II, I closed up the store to go over to the ‘White People Mall’ (it’s full of pointless overpriced bullshit for all the downtown business stereotypes, but it has a large food court… with sushi!) to grab some yummy yummy sushi! On the corner in front of the entrance there was a small crowd gathered around some old white woman, who is sitting on a restaurant style chair. Behind the crowd is one those Salvation Army Santas with the red cauldron on a tripod ringing a bell (all I can think of is the ‘pussy on toast’ guy from that Clint Eastwood movie True Crime – I think that was the name of it). Judging from the crowd, something must have happened to this lady. I wonder if someone saw something happen to this lady, and came running out with the chair, or if someone in the crowd was yelling, “someone, anyone, go into the restaurant and get a chair”?

***

The Sushi was great! I even got lucky enough that no dirtbags were waiting for me when I got back, so I had a chance to eat my sushi in peace and truly enjoy its wonderful raw fishy yumminess. Mmmmm! I really love sushi, and the place that I go to sometimes has this special, 3 rolls for $10.99. I got a salmon roll, spicy tuna roll, and a mysterious but quite delicious crab roll.

Up until this point of the day, people (and I use that term very loosely) have been coming in, but I had yet to ring up a single transaction. Well, just about the time I finished with my sushi, this one guy came in. He looked around for over an hour, and then bought 20 transsexual DVDs. Interesting, but no big deal. Most of the transsexual DVDs we have are a bunch of crappy compilations, but this dude did look around and seemed to pick out the good ones. But…apparently not all of them.

About an hour later, this other dude came in (the Onion, aka What a Bucket of Douche). I had not seen this guy in a long time. He went from being a hardcore regular, to a very occasional customer. Strangely enough, this dude looked around for about an hour or so, and rented 14 transsexual DVDs. Now this is interesting! We do sell and rent an ok amount of transsexual DVDs, but not everyday.

***

A couple more people came in after the first two paying customers, and we did sell and rent a few other genres of porn. Then, a dude came in and dropped off his rentals from yesterday… it was a batch of 8 transsexual DVDs. So I am now up to 7 total transactions: 3 transsexual transactions, and 4 ‘other’. What an interesting ratio. I think (and have thought, and even mentioned this in the past) that if the powers that be would order and stock more and better transsexual titles, we would definitely sell more. Who a I to question? It is a pretty good business strategy for people who live in a different state to order DVDs for our store that are not directly related to the titles we rent and sell.

Oh yeah, I also sold a bunch of porn to a man named Don King today, obviously not thee Don King, but hey, it’s the little things. I spent the rest of the evening watching old wrestling videos on Youtube, and reading about Mike Quackenbush. Lighting Mike Quackenbush is bad ass! Look him up!

And finally, my double shift came to end. Since I am opening tomorrow, I left EVERYTHING, closed at ten on the dot, and ended up catching the early bus home at 10:08 PM. I’ll be back in a few hours. Nighty night!

Tales from the Porn Store: #63 – Nasti Neena

Today I had a pretty typical morning. It all started out with me being very tired, very hungry, and very irritable. After the initial opening blitz of chuds, molemen, bankers, and wannabe thugs... the morning slowed down a little bit and then eventually the entire store was empty. I shot a syringe full of coffee into the side of my neck, I put Last House on the Left into the DVD player, and I got as comfortable as I possibly could in the tiny child-size office chair that we have behind the counter. I put my feet up on the inventory shelves, and waited for the caffeine to bring me back from the grave.

For awhile there, my eyes did continue to close on me as I sat there staring through the television; but eventually I began to feel the effects of the caffeine taking affect. Over 30 minutes had passed without anyone coming into the store, but then the door chime went go off. I stood up and said hello. In front of me was an extremely short and curvy woman dressed up in a way that didn't really seem to look natural for her. In general, it is pretty unusual for girls to come into the store.

This woman came right up to the window and started asking questions about our purchaser. At first I thought that she was trying to sell used DVDs since she was speaking low and I am on the other side of bulletproof glass. I told her that I would take a look at whatever movies she had, and to just set them in the drawer. She then kind of re-explained herself in a slightly louder voice and produced a business card, which she set inside the large drawer that all of the transactions are conducted through.

Once I saw the business card in the drawer, I instantly understood what she was asking me. She was asking about our adult video purchaser, and she was from an adult video company looking for distribution. I picked up her card, and saw, even at a quick glance, that it was definitely the most unprofessional business card I’d ever seen.

It was a very plain white card, which had simple bold black lettering on it. Ok, no big deal ... but it also had deep indentions all over it, from what might have been someone overhand writing like they were trying to carve whatever it was that they were writing or drawing, into the wood on the tabletop below the paper itself. Then the phone number, and the name of the vice president, had been crossed out with a blue pen. A new name and phone number were then written very small and illegibly, right next to the crossed out ones.

Asides from that, this card also had a few spots of discoloration, and was wrinkled with bent corners. I am not trying to say that you need to act like the guys in American Psycho when it comes to your business cards; but it does represent you, your business, your product, and it does leave an impression - especially when I am accepting the card to pass along to someone else who is not here to meet and talk to you.

I talked with the woman for a few minutes. She told me about the business, and how it was a Philadelphia-based company. Then right before she left, she reached into her bag, pulled out a DVD and set it in the drawer for me to put aside with the business card for our purchaser. I picked up the DVD, she thanked me, and then she turned around and walked out of the store. I began to examine the cover of the DVD she had just given me. Right there, on the back of the box, was the same woman that I was just talking to. She was surrounded by a whole bunch of guys in the picture, and her face was covered in a about of gallon of semen. This made me laugh out loud. I immediately decided to open the DVD up, pop it in the player, and check it out.

The DVD cover was a really bad grainy, almost-out-of-ink looking color photo copy, and it was cut wrong. There was extra white space on the one side, and the image was cut off on the other side. The spine part of the label was halfway on the box spine, and half on the front cover. The information on the spine was first, the company name (which is a Japanese word, only here it is spelled wrong), then the word "presents" which is upside down compared to the rest of the lettering, and then the title of the DVD and the volume number. On the back of the video there are a bunch of tiny thumbnail pictures, of the various scenes in the skin-flick, but the copy is so bad that it is hard to tell what is going on in most of the pictures… even though you know what is going on in the pictures.

The DVD itself was floating around and bouncing up and down inside the box, instead of resting safely on the little hub that holds onto the DVD and keeps it warm at night. When I took the disc out and looked at it, it was really really really scratched up, and had finger prints on it. The DVD label on the disc was another bad color printed label sticker, but nowhere near as bad as the box cover, and it was placed on top of a branded dvd-r. The branding was visible in the center where there was no label, which makes no difference asides from adding to the overall level of unprofessionalism of the total package. Trust me, the whole presentation of this product could not have been any more half-assed. Which leads to my main question, so... why the hell would anyone buy this? Why the fuck should we carry this DVD in the store?

Well... the novelty of it being local might work to the interests of a few people. A lot of the amateur DVDs along the same lines as this one are pretty obviously low budget, though not as low budget as this one. It almost looks as if someone went out of their way, and put a great deal of time and effort into making it look this bad. Like this was some kind of inside joke, and this DVD was a cartoon version parody of a real low budget amateur DVD. They tried to put together a few that looked shitty, and the project manager was like "no, not shitty enough, try again" until finally it came out perfect (and by perfect, I mean extremely shitty).

Don't get me wrong, I am all about the DIY aspect of doing things. However, usually when people do DIY things and it turns out like this, it’s because they are lazy. With an extra second of patience, the cover could have been cut correctly, simply by taking the time to line it up. The quality of the cover itself could have been greatly improved by just making one high quality cover and then making color copies wherever. I guarantee that would have been cheaper than making full color DVD covers on an ink jet printer anyway. As for the business cards, not using one would be better than handing someone this fucking card. Not to mention that I just got 1,000 full color 2-sided business cards made for $15. Business cards are CHEAP, buy a new damn card, and throw the old ones away! Or better yet, burn them so no one ever finds one that floated out of the back of a trash truck. The best strategy here would just be to completely eradicate the current business card!

So after I was done entertaining myself at the expense of this movie’s packaging and its creator’s choice of business cards to represent their company, the DVD finally loaded up in the player, and was ready for my personal viewing pleasure. This disc, along with some extras, included three scenes. Each scene was very very long due to the fact that there was absolutely no editing.

The 2nd & 3rd scenes on the DVD were pretty typical for no budget style amateur porn, but the first scene was actually pretty fucking hardcore AND awesome. It was the girl who came in today and three guys. Then towards the end of the scene, a fourth guy got in on the action. I honestly don't know how they are going to make money trying to ‘market’ this DVD, but the first scene was really decent.

I suppose the first scene could easily be edited down to a shorter, more focused and badass hardcore scene. Too bad everything else about this DVD would convince you not to even consider spending $20 or $30 on it. Then again, I guess that a lot of the girls trying to come up through the adult business nowadays have to start out somewhere. Hell, I guess everyone has to do this kind of stuff before they can get into some legitimate smut.

The thought did cross my mind that it could just be a very bad bootleg, but then why would the girl in the movie be here selling it? Could she be bootlegging a movie that she was in just to make some money off of it, for a crack habit perhaps? Is that why the Vice President and contact information was cross out on the business card? If that’s the case here, who taught this lady how to bootleg? Was it a couple of caged animals that (for animals) have exceptional art skills, and teach a shitty porn bootlegging seminar for the young, unimaginative, and kind of stupid up-and-coming Porn CEO? I am sure that like most things, the answer is probably not half as entertaining as my wild guesses. And, free porn is free porn!

Tales from the Porn Store: #62 – Watch it Burn

I woke up at 7:00am today so that I could do 90 minutes of work for my one job, before leaving to go work an 8 hour shift at the porn store… only to come back home and work some more. I ended up having to wait 25 minutes for the bus (that runs every 12-15 minutes), but I did get lucky enough to end up with a seat once the bus did finally arrive... sitting next to a ninja no less. She was a lot less threatening than the other ninjas that I usually talk about. I think this was at least partially due to the fact that she was wearing sunglasses, and of course she was not masturbating.

Once I got to work, I had no wireless internet signal until around 11am when they came in next door to clean up (since the tea place had recently closed their doors for business, forever). Aside from losing the internet signal I have been using for years now, I couldn’t be happier that the stupid expensive indie hipster asshole magnet tea café finally went out of business. I just hated that place, the people who went there, and everything it stood for so fucking much!

I went over there one time when the store was too busy for me to close up and go somewhere else. They had one of those A-frame signs on the sidewalk, during the summer, advertising that they were selling iced tea. So as a last resort, I ran over quick hoping to get an iced tea and come right back (again, if the store would have emptied, I would have just locked up and went anywhere else). So I go over and they have like 80 lame and disgusting sounding (not to mention offensive) flavors of iced tea available.

The menu was something like: Freshly Jacked Off Yak Semen and Strawberry Leaves Tea, Cucumber and the Tears of an Elderly Virgin Tea, Free Range Monkey Semen and Banana Nut Tea, Tea for Bicycles, Tea that contains the blood of a coward, and they even have a tea that has aluminum foil in it that is supposed to help prevent aliens from entering your dreams and raping you if you drink it before bed. You get the point, just stupid idiot shit. I am surprised that they stayed open for as long as they did. I mean, come on, if you’re not gonna get raped by aliens in your dreams every night, then what’s the point of sleeping? Fucking hippies!

Yeah, so anyway… I looked through their menu, yelled the word “NO” very loudly towards the ‘Tea Technician’ who was standing behind the counter, and then ran back over to the porn store crying; feeling defeated, confused, and thirsty. I hate tea in general, though I can’t decide if it’s worse than decaffeinated coffee. Taking the caffeine out of coffee is just like slapping god in the face (I stole that from Superbad, but it’s true, if I believed in god that is, but you get the point). But to add insult to injury, the new summer menu of ‘Iced Tea Flavors’ is just mind blowing. Who the fuck is walking around center city sweating their ass off on a humid 90 degree day and then says to themselves “you know what I could really go for? A nice tall icy refreshing glass of Lady Bug Menstruation & Cherry Blossom Tea… and I know just the place that sells it”.

I am so far off my original point now, that I am going to stop here, and go back to re-read everything up until we get to the tea place next door. It’s like that one scene in Naked Gun, where Leslie Neilson is going over the clues to himself as he is walking around, and then goes “… and where the hell was I?” And then it shows the city in the background behind him.

***

Ok… so I had no internet signal because the tea place closed down, but at 11:00am the signal came on. Apparently they came in to clean and pack. But they only stayed until 1:00 pm, after that I was back to no internet signal. FUCK! Why can’t the tea place close forever, the people who ran the tea place all get eaten by a bunch of cute and cuddly housecats, and the internet just stay on forever? Why? That would kick so much ass! Did you know that they used dirty sandals instead coasters over there? I could not be more disgusted by their hideous culture!

It was pretty funny, they began to close on the weekends over the summer (they had previously been open 7 days a week for a few years), and then people would come into the pornstore and ask about the place, and I would tell them I think they went out of business since the owners were both imprisoned for the x-rated animal movies they were always making. Then the people asking about the tea place would act surprised and pretend that they didn’t know about all the beastiality that accompanied the tea drinking next door. I said “that’s bullshit lady, you are a wearing one of their shirts that says I (Heart) Creamy White Knotting Dog Tea.” And then the lady gets offended and asks me what gives me the right to judge her? I replied by saying just because I sell porn to douchebags doesn’t mean that I should drink tea or suck dog penis. She then snapped back at me saying that I can’t say for sure that I don’t like sucking dog penis if I had never tried it. She then got all sentimental and began talking about how warm and loved she feels when her 90 pound Dalmatian begins to ejaculate inside her, and he knots up so big that he cannot move off of her until a few minutes have passed. She talked about staring into the dog’s eyes, while his tongue hangs out and lays across her face and his swollen dog penis is still stuck inside her, and how much love she felt and how thirsty for tea she was.

I said “look lady, you’ve got to get out of here before one of the Morlocks in the back hears this shit and falls in love with you. The tea place will be open on Monday, now please leave. I have to go throw up.” She did leave, but before she walked out, she pulled out a screw-top glass jar labeled “Dog Semen to Sweeten My Tea”. She unscrewed the cap, removed the lid, stuck her fingers in the jar, and then wrote the word LOVE on the bullet proof glass in front of me, drank some of the Dog Semen right out of the jar (which gave her a milk mustache), and then she smiled at me as she finally walked out of the store.

I stood there speechless for a moment, until it became clear what I must do. I took the bottle of bourbon out of my bag, dumped it all into the trashcan behind the register. I lit a match, dropped it in the trash can, and walked outside…locking the door behind me (so the Morlocks couldn’t get out). Then I walked across the street, to sit on the curb and just watch it burn.

Tales from the Porn Store: #59 - The Jimi Hendrix Pornographic Experience

I hadn’t been to the porn store in 2 weeks, and I was actually supposed to have off this weekend too. Even though I had not been working at the porn store, between some huge events and recording, my days off have usually ended up being more chaotic than days I work. Today I got to work really early, and watched (or at least listened to, while multitasking) the DVD of Jim Hendrix on the Dick Cavett Show. It was pretty interesting. The behind the scenes – years later interviews where really cool too.

I guess this was the first time Jimi was ever on television. He was supposed to be on the show, the day after the Woodstock concert but canceled. Hendrix was the headliner at Woodstock (which I didn’t know) and was scheduled to go on at midnight. However, due to the chaos of the show, he didn’t end up going on until 8 in the morning. He played until a little after 10am, and he then canceled the Dick Cavett show appearance for later that same day. They said he was too exhausted, but I have a feeling he was probably just partying and doing the ‘mommy and daddy dance’ with about 500 Woodstock groupies.

He did eventually make 2 appearances on the Dick Cavett Show. Both times he talked to Dick (talk show style), and then both times played live. The first time he played ‘Hear My Train a Comin’ backed by the show’s house band / orchestra. The second time he was on the show it was with the Jimi Hendrix Experience, and they played 'Izabella' (& I think, 'Machine Gun').

It was really cool to see the interviews and the live footage, but when compared to all of the concert footage the live Dick Cavett Show performances were pretty mellow. Not to say that it wasn’t really cool, but it was just a taste, so-to-speak. I am sure you have all seen footage from the end of a two hour concert where the performance has built up into something almost spiritual. When you see a single 2 minute song, performed in a bright well-lit room, in a completely different situation… I am sure you can see how that would change the vibe.

A friend of mine bought me the 'Live at Monterey' video on VHS when I was in 8th grade (1990). I had been a huge music fan for as long as I could remember, I loved Jimi Hendrix, and I had just begun to pick up the guitar… this video blew my mind on all fronts. It was fucking unreal!

***

Now that I have gotten way way off point, let me steer this ship back into the water.

So, after watching (or at least mostly listening to) this DVD, I had one of those “oh yeah” moments when I remembered about the Jimi Hendrix porno that came out a while back. Yes, I did check it out when we first got it in, and to be honest with you, I am not really sure why. Why would a heterosexual male / Jimi Hendrix fan, get excited about seeing Jimi’s penis, and then getting to watch it slide in and out of hot little mommas? There is no logical answer.

I think the hype of combining anything popular that exists outside the realm of pornography, with porn, causes a rubbernecking affect… or secretly every straight man has been waiting 40 years to finally see Jimi’s 3rd leg. I will let you decide what category you fall under. Of course if you enjoy penises (male or female), then it makes total sense that you would be all like “Fuck Yeah” over this piece of historic erotica.

I will warn you right now, if you want to buy or watch this DVD, I am about to reveal some spoiler type information, so you should skip ahead to the next paragraph. Ok here is the real low down and skinny on the Hendrix Sex Tapes… there’s 2 hours (or however long) of fluff, and then one 5 minute film reel of Jimi with 2 ladies. That’s it, only a few minutes of actual footage, AND it clearly does not mention this on the DVD box. The scene is ok, and still may be worth it to people, but the DVD as a whole item is definitely misleading.

Ok, welcome back to my Jimi Hendrix themed TFTPS! I didn’t really intend to only write about Hendrix, but it happens. I always get sidetracked and end up writing a bunch of shit that has nothing to do with what I sat down to write. In fact, I will probably end up writing a whole other TFTPS now about things I intended to write about in this one. Oh well. I did notice that the Hendrix DVD is for sale on EdenFantasys.com, maybe I will watch it again and review it. It’s been a while, but I remember it being good… aside from all the stuff I said about it in the whole last paragraph.

***

Since I’ve already written almost 800 words and mentioned none of the crazy things that happened in the porn store today, I might as well just go out with a 3rd section on Jimi Hendrix. This part of the story takes place about 14 or 15 years ago when I was living in this one abandoned building in West Philly. It was summer time and very hot. I put a couch in the room right beside mine on the third floor. Most days when I woke up, I would go sit on the couch, listen to my cassette Walkman, and write or draw until evening came. Where there used to be a window, there was now a giant hole in the wall big enough to drive a car through. I would sit in front of the large hole, and stare at the brick wall of the neighboring building. There was sunlight and it was the best view on the 3rd floor.


I always had a few tapes at any given time, but they would always vanish and then I would end up with new ones. Often times, I would have a few tapes that I would listen to over and over for weeks. During this particular stretch of time I had this one Babes in Toyland tape that was ok (although, I have never really listened to them again after that summer), and I had the first Jimi Hendrix tape 'Are Your Experienced'. I easily listened to that album 100 times that summer. Normally more than once a day, every single day. It is so good. Although, I don’t really need to put that album on when I want to hear it (after that summer). When I hear songs off that album, I always picture that view from the couch of that brick wall. Honestly, it shouldn’t really be that meaningful, but for some unknown reason it is.

Ok, now you should go put on a Hendrix album, grab your guitar, and then pop in the Hendrix Sex Tapes to complete your own… Jimi Hendrix Experience. Hahahahahahaha!

October 24th 2009 @ The Painted Bride Art Center - Philadelphia, PA
The April Flores - Love Toy Art Show
--- Bitchslicer, & Clamfight

Bitchslicer played first: All things considered, this was an amazing set. Yeah there were a few minor problems, but for only having 3 full band practices, and everyone doing their homework to the CDs, it couldn't realistically have been much better. The most important thing here is that it was a lot of fun! It felt so good finally playing again. The room was so big and boomy (but fucking awesome!), that it made it seem quiet, and the faster parts were a little tricky to follow. We did go off the rails for a few seconds in the beginning of Addicted to Porn, but everyone recovered without stopping the song. The worst thing you can ever do is stop the song! The single greatest part of the set was getting to play underneath of a movie screen, that had gigantic movie theater sized porn being projected onto it. That was so bad ass.

Clamfight played second: I missed the first song of their set, but the rest of it was amazing. They are so good, and it was so great to hang out with these guys again. I can't think of another band that we've hung out with and played more shows with. I will admit, that I did get distracted watching the porn above them while they played many times through out their set. To illustrate how bad ass AND good hearted the Clamfight guys are... they helped us get our gear to and from the show, then even gave Jon & I rides home at the end of the night, and I they still fought with me over me not accepting their money for Bitchslicer t-shirts. Hopefully their CD will be out soon!

***

Aside from getting to play some thrash metal, drink a few beers with some old and new friends, while being surround by sex, porn, and adult toys, and talking to April & Carlos, I had 2 really great conversations. Yes, I had a lot of great conversations but this is Bitchslicer related... I talked to Carlos about music, and he talked to me about using some Bitchslicer music in his adult movies. I also talked to Rob & Jon, and it looks like this lineup is going to continue working together, kick ass!

Bitchslicer Set List:
01 - Street Walker
02 - Evil Awakening
03 - Gang Bang at the Necropolis
04 - Stockholm Syndrome
05 - Jesus the Undead Wizard
06 - King Cobra
07 - Addicted to Porn
08 - Porn of the Dead
09 - Drag My Own Coffin to Hell
10 - YCH (Hank Williams)

Tales from the Porn Store: #58 - Planet of the Painted Pussies! (A Evening of Metal, Sex Toys, & Porn!)

For this week’s Tale, we are going to be once again venturing outside safety and security that the pornstore itself provides, and directly engaging pornography itself… well sorta. But, don’t worry it’s gonna be pretty badass.

***

The east coast portion of the April Flores – love toy art show, happened this past Thursday in NYC, and last night in Philly. My wife, Victoria, was coordinating the entire event in both cities, so this became a constant 24/7 thing going on at our house during the last month since the event was agreed upon by all parties. 30 days is not a lot of time to put on an event like this, normally this sort of thing is planned out months in advance; but, all things considered, it went amazingly well. Everyone who came out seemed to have a great time, there were some awesome contributions made to the show by the New York & Philly artists, and April & Carlos seemed to have fun and looked very happy.

Carlos is a filmmaker, photographer, & artist who has also made quite a few adult films; some of which (movies /youtube ) include his wife April. April is a ‘voluptuous’ plus-sized adult actress, who has her own adult toy molded from her vagina, made by Topco. This toy happens to be the first BBW model / toy line. Carlos had the idea of using her toy as a canvas for the art show, and Topco created plaster versions of the Cyberskin toy.

The art show started with 8 painted pussies in LA in May. Victoria met April & Carlos in L.A. at ANE in July, and after keeping in touch and having a few conversations about the show, it was on. 4 more pieces were added at a show in San Francisco in September. Then Victoria and Carlos coordinated the 4 pieces from NY and the 4 from Philly; and now 20 different artists have painted the pussies.

Here is the breakdown form my perspective: The NYC show seemed to more of a movie-like art show, which takes place in a movie-like art gallery. The Philly show was a lot more like a party. Both did very well, and to be honest the diversity of the two different nights, was very representative of each of the two cities. It was also pretty cool that the two events were so different in the sense that each was its own distinctive night, and not just an encore version of the same thing.

***

As a fan of porn, sex, art (in minimal and specifically interesting doses), & music… working on the various aspects, and even the loosely related satellite aspects of this show has been very very cool for me. I feel very happy and very fortunate to be involved with something so friggin cool.

There were basically 3 different fliers for this event, there was the Eden Fantasys company flier (which I didn’t help at all with), there was the artist event flier (which Mo did the art for, and I did the layout), & then there was the band event flier for Philly (which I got to completely put together). As EF got involved in the event and ordered some of the April Flores toys, I got to do the Description Review for this product. That means that I got one of these 9 pound Cyberskin pussies of my very own, to use and write a review on for the company website.

About a week after the event was officially on, we began to get some extremely cool mail at our house. Carlos sent Victoria a care-package of 6 DVDs he had filmed, and 3 of his books. Awesome, who doesn’t love incoming porn?!?! Then, Topco sent 6 (of the 10) plaster-cast pussies to our house. Each of the 4 NY artists were directly shipped a pussy, and of the 6 that were sent to our house, 4 were for each of the Philly artists and then there were 2 backups. Since the back-ups were not needed, I guess that Victoria and I each get to keep one now which is pretty awesome. They do look really cool!

Oh yes, the music. Between the vibe, and what ended up being the venue in NYC, it was decided early on that there would be no live music at the Thursday show, but at the Philly show there would be. Victoria decided that Bitchslicer and Clamfight were going to play. I do agree the bands were a good fit for the show, we have the whole sex/porn theme, and Clamfight, aside from being named after a sexual act, is just always a great rock-n-roll juggernaut to having stomping Tokyo flat at the end of the evening.

This did, however, present a few problems for me since I currently had no lineup. At the end of 2008, the guys I had been playing with for quite a while, and considered friends, just stopped returning phone calls. I had been looking for some people to get together with on and off, but nothing had really been panning out.

About a week before the show became official, Jon from Returner (a band that I played in for about 2 years, approximately 3 years ago), offered to jam with me since he was in low gear and I was in park. So we had a light conversation, and I gave him a CD with a few songs on it. Less then a week later, I called him back to see if he wanted to do the show. We had a month to learn and put together a set… he said yes. I then called Rob (from Den of Germs, a great band that we’ve played a bunch of shows with) and he said he would play bass. So I made a CD of 10 songs for the set for each of these guys, and it was on.

Due to some of this and a little of that, we were only able to get together 3 times before the show, and once the day of the show. Which really doesn’t sound like much, but everyone (meaning Jon & Rob) were professionals, and really did their homework so it all came together. The three of us playing together felt good, and the set went really well. It felt great to be playing again.

The original plan was to play a movie in between each of the bands, but I requested to have the porn playing during our set (which Clamfight also opted for). So right above us, during our whole set, was movie-theatre-sized porn being projected against the white movie screen behind the bands. It was so damn cool! We need to figure out a way to project porn while we play every show!

***

April and Carlos were both really cool! I am told that they both enjoyed my band. April gave me hugs, and Carlos and I got to talk about music. In my opinion (which may be a little bias) the Philly artists (Eric Eaton, Joy Lessposh, JoKa, & Mo Moussa) tore it up. There were other pieces that I really liked, but I felt all of the Philly pieces were fucking great!

While Bitchslicer was not the focus of this show, I did find myself feeling very fortunate about hanging out with a porn star & a pornographer (who also like the band, and talked to me about using my music for their movies), and the entire night was surrounded by porn, sex toys, beer, whiskey (yeah, they had other things to drink also but who cares about tequila and wine?), metal, my pretty lady, a bunch of good friends, AND it was all part of my job. Wow! I am glad that, at least for one day, I got to leave planet earth… and spend an evening on the planet of the painted pussies! I now plan to move there when I grow up.

Tales from the Porn Store: #57 -
A Day Without the Crazies, Would be like a Day Without Sunshine

Tales from the Porn Store: #56 - Everyday I’m Hustlin’… Pokemon Cards

Tales from the Porn Store: #54 – Skin Remover



This Weeks Contest Winners Are…

- The winner of the John Holmes Dildo, a Rampant Decay CD, and some PORN, is J's Alley. Check out her blog Random Curiosities.

- The winner of the Tenga Squeeze Play 8.0, a Rampant Decay CD, and some PORN, is Lord Lonnie.

- The following winners… nekromistress, purple foxglove, and sgsuperone each win a copy of the Bitchslicer – Addicted to Porn 7”, a Rampant Decay CD, and some PORN.

Congratulations Everyone, and thank you all so much for participating in the contests, and especially for enjoying and supporting Tales from the Porn Store! You all rock!
 

Tales from the Porn Store: #53 – Customer Appreciation Day



This Weeks Contest Winners Are…

- The winner chosen from Tales from the Porn Store this week is Sammi. Check out her blog Fun with Sammi. She wins Ron Jeremy: The Hardest (Working) Man in Showbiz book, a Cum Inside Shirt, a randomly selected porn DVD, & a copy of Lycanthropic Fellatio.

- The winner chosen from Twitter is KiyaShiranai. Check out her blog A Neatly Sorted Mess. She wins a randomly selected porn DVD, & a copy of Lycanthropic Fellatio.

- The winner chosen from Myspace is Satan’s Basement. He wins a randomly selected porn DVD, & a copy of Lycanthropic Fellatio.

Congratulations Everyone!

We will be doing the 4th and final celebratory contest this week. It is going to be better and bigger… so keep your eyes peeled!