Overwhelmed

massive clutter

piles of laundry

dirty floor

cat barf

please send me an angel

please wash me in calm

not intoxication

stressless

worriless

depressionless

I need a small space of my own

a studio

alone to work on art, writing, reading, singing

I need to fall in love

with

myself

What am I doing?

Not sleeping

.. ..

I tried

.. ..

I even took a sedative

.. ..

Didn’t take

.. ..

Too wound up

.. ..

I think I saw something

.. ..

A sign

.. ..

Actually two or three signs

.. ..

From God?

.. ..

Ah

.. ..

I put a snail in the palm of my hand

.. ..

It slithered to my wedding band shining in the moonlight

.. ..

Unconsciously drawn

.. ..

Shiny

.. ..

I smoked

.. ..

Gross

.. ..

I needed it

.. ..

No I didn’t need it

.. ..

Yes I did

.. ..

Motherhood is huge

.. ..

Mammoth

.. ..

I had a nice time with her

.. ..

We watched a movie

.. ..

She snuggled and held tight until sleep overcame her

.. ..

I was incapable of staying bed

.. ..

I needed to be alone

.. ..

I bought things today I thought I needed

.. ..

Disinfecting wipes

.. ..

Bounce dryer sheets

.. ..

I needed to smell them

.. ..

I didn’t buy them for the dryer

.. ..

I bought them to drown out the stench of cat barf

.. ..

I bought them to soothe me

.. ..

I scattered them in my car so that tomorrow it will smell fresh

.. ..

I did something else I’m too ashamed to admit.

.. ..

I meditated on food last night

.. ..

The taste

.. ..

Lamb

.. ..

Raspberries

.. ..

I am not insane

.. ..

I am fighting to be a good mom

.. ..

I’m fighting myself

.. ..

I’m fighting my sadness

.. ..

I am trying to connect with a child

.. ..

I think it’s time to rest

.. ..

Sedatives or exhaustion

.. ..

Letting go of trying so hard

.. ..

The snail

.. ..

Grounded me

.. ..

The cigarette poisoned me

.. ..

Isn’t that what it is?

.. ..

A balance of good and bad?

.. ..

A chance to say

.. ..

WTF

.. ..

I love my past

.. ..

I love what made me me

.. ..

Now what?

.. ..

I go on

.. ..

I let go

.. ..

I burned the candle at both ends

.. ..

I didn’t party

.. ..

Stay up too late thinking what I’m writing is golden – no.

.. ..

It’s bigger than I can grasp

.. ..

Daddy’s is gone again

.. ..

Business trip

.. ..

I’m preparing for the long haul

.. ..

The I’m not such a bad person personal dialogue

.. ..

Judge me

.. ..

I will not falter

.. ..

I see the self destructive me

.. ..

I see the martyr

.. ..

I see me

.. ..

For me

.. ..

No saint

.. ..

No sinner

.. ..

Can I do better?

.. ..

You bet.

.. ..

Watch me.

What shall I write?

I am feeling a lot and not sure I have words for it

.. ..

I only want what’s best for everyone

.. ..

I am drunk blogging

.. ..

Old lady feeling nostalgic

.. ..

I have so many things to say

.. ..

So little wherewithal to send it out

.. ..

You might say that that is ridiculous considering my prolific commenting

.. ..

I wish I could not be so distracted

.. ..

Today

.. ..

Me

.. ..

Lonely

.. ..

Me

.. ..

Not so unattractive as I think

.. ..

I have a cat circling my feet with pure love

.. ..

Silly thing

.. ..

I only want to put out what’s good

.. ..

I only want to promote good

.. ..

My petty grievances [ale to the talent I see

.. ..

Once a critic

.. ..

Now a self-deprecating fool

.. ..

I once thought

.. ..

What if I found out that I was adopted?

.. ..

A Jewish atheist

.. ..

A problematic child

.. ..

I’m not adopted

.. ..

Anglo-Christian background

.. ..

What is it like to fit somewhere?

.. ..

I know I fit here

.. ..

In farcical social media

.. ..

Not to diminish anyone

.. ..

Ever

.. ..

I am not of a stock that believes

.. ..

Yet I am forever reminded of Jesus

.. ..

I believe that I am built for greater things

.. ..

Trapped in a society of not

.. ..

God?

.. ..

Let me rest

.. ..

Let me feel solace in rest

.. ..

Let me be

.. ..

I will do my best

.. ..

Thank you.

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