crashing crescendoes
i miss playing nintendo
like it was an occupation without occupational hazards
other than the virtual anguish over getting fire-roasted by a dragon
but man what a way to go.
i say "fuck all" to dying in my sleep, smiling serenely...
"get gone" to slipping away, greying slightly, whilst bent over a keyboard in a cubicle...
"laugh [followed by loud laugh]" to a stumble-fall, bump-tickle-wheeze, broken-hip, broken-heart jellyfied musculature in a hospital bed.
give me a bengal tigers' low, post-orgasmic-kinda growl-moan
electronic pulses, chemical twitches enlivening these bones
and endorphins plunging through my veins like dolphins in the ocean
and no silly magic potion to change me into a stump or a mighty banyan tree
no, not me...
let the mighty jaws of a miiiigggghhhhty big kitty flex, clench and close
munch, crunch and those
fleeting moments of distinctly sweet agony
like a dragon, see,
to topple this foe.
i am no enemy of escapist fantasies, of Houdini-ing this mortal coil,
sloughing it to the loamy bracket of this earth,
the homey racket of this curse,
the foamy packet of this glassy, gassy, aquatic marble bubble.
shoot, heading off to my next adventure?
select, start, a, a, b - whoops - continue?
ha, no kind of trouble...

i have some sick nasty bruises going (i'll try to post a pic of the ones on my tummy soon).

every muscle in my body feels weak.

i did a level one belt test for Krav Maga on Sunday/yesterday. It started at 1230pm. Ended at 6pm. Holy F. I thought I was gonna throw up three separate times. Even did the embarrassing and scary burp and then big spit thing... but kept it down. by the very very end, i and my partner in the test probably couldn't have stood without leaning heavily on each other (this until the instructor yelled "go" and we delivered the hardest knees we could to the fellow keeping us on two feet).

i thought i would feel an enormous sense of accomplishment when it was all over. i did not. i was just happy it was done and i felt as though i had tried my hardest the entire time. and by happy i mean in less pain than a few minutes before and as exhausted as i may have ever been in my life.

today, though, i was happy to show off my bruises. one could even say proud. if i could muster enough strength to feel any full emotion.

so in love with music the past couple weeks... worked on this music show at sundance which was a shade of what it could have been but even the bleakly malnourished shadow was a tasty bit of blocked light. i can't stop singing in the car real loud, can't stop snatching for my notebook (well, aarti's notebook but i stoled it fair and square) to pen bits and bobs of a song... also in the car a lot, funnily enough... only time i get lips-pursed, brows-furrowed furious about NOT hitting red lights.

i wanna start a band but i don't know how and i keep forgetting to do it. stupid me. soon, though.

and i can't keep finding new music that's rocking my face off - my brightest diamond, swan lake, the 1900s, delaney, blog darling beirut who my brother jed told me to listen SOOOOO long ago and i kept forgetting... and whistling along loud enough for folks to come around in front of my oblivious head-phone wearing ass to ask me to "please god, stop that infernal noise..." okay, they don't say "infernal" but i sort of wish they did... or had, rather... there's still time...

i miss my brother jed - he's in italy or something right now... out of this small universe/north-and-south-american island chain... hope he's having fun and not bored or irritated or TOO drunk...

i'm really in love with my lady lately... in love with her every day anyway, grows slowly and steadily like a yeast culture (kombucha?) but last couple of days her face and laugh has brought the feeling of quaffing an enormous jug of coffee on a really cold day... almost makes me sweat.

fucking life is awesome, yeah? genius, sometimes... even when i'm broke and get all caught up in thinking about overdraft protection and when i'm gonna have enough money to not worry about my landlady cashing the rent check too early let alone enough money to get my next tattoo (and my next and my next and...)

but i just feel so full of creative fury... burning most of it out every day til i just wanna sit and be numb and then waking up in the morning and, holy cow, the holy grail is full of blood and spit and piss and vinegar and heart, pure heart.

thank you, Lord.

woo hoo, woo hoo hoo

and i haven't been able to shake the melody of "good king wensceslas" since a month before christmas...

i can't rollerskate for shit.