The moment is here.
 
It has come the time to make the bestest album ever and in our votka-delusions we think we are the right komrades for the job. The process has already begun as Karpov recently rekorded so very many tracks of drums in our hi-fi c-cassette rekording facilities. We taped the tracks over a Dima Bilan kassett. And we only used the bestest teknology we could find in our stuudio, which is equivalent for the cheapest bullcrap you can buy from My First Sony -shop. Expectances are high, yes? Well so are we!
 
We will keep you posted about the progress of our Album of the Century (or the Album of the Age of Our Universum and Beyond, as we call it) and keep you up to date about any relevant information. Also, we are keeping a video diary of the studio sessions and it will be released once the sessions are over and we have sobered up!
 
Wish us Ursus-power and we will deliver the reKord!!
 
Petrovsky/Kozaks of Metallishtan

You might have been wondering why us Kozaks have been so quiet lately and there is a valid reason for that. The AKO turned their satellites to ultra super kozak-detect mode (VST = votka seeking tekhnologi) so we had to go underground and split the mighty trio. Igor went to hide somewhere in Eastern Europe where he is studying the ancient kraftmanship of Absinthe bottle labels. Maybe we will hear the results of his research in the new KOM songs that we start to make once the VST-teknology is destroit! Karpov has no burblem to stay under the radar because he has those special cloaking tekniques that he also used for infiltrating the Soviet army. How about me? I'm so drunkk that I can't find myself so how could the AKO find me then?!?

We recorded special live versions of our songs during the summer and few of them are so tight that we plan to publish them! No hifi studio wanking this time but raw polka power! Propably four songs will see daylight, lets see.

Meanwhile you can enjoy the live-video of Kazakhstan Song and our old classic tunes from the Promo Disk 07! URSUS-POWER!!

Yes indeed the snow is melting and the sun is shining like a fresh bottle of votka!

Our little KOM camp is having a few lazy weeks now. No trainings or gigs for a while. Sometimes life gets in the way, if you know what I mean, tavarisch. But you can be konfident that our thirst will not be satisfied until a total world domination has been accomplished! The world will be black and red!

You may have noticed our fresh photos that we took a while ago. Igors magnificent AK-47 baass has acquired some attention here in the mighty Internett and also when we have played live. It’s a killer! Ursus Diabolicus has blessed our gigs with kvaliti votka and tight polka. People are going crazy!

The soviets still refuse to admit that there once was a nation called Metallishtan and we are very sad for that. We will continue to struggle with their arseness and stubborness and Metallishtan will be on the map again! Our land might have been taken from us but our spirit will never die as long as we have our muzak and the power of Ursus Diabolicus, the Horny Bear!

Freedom with metal!

-General Petrovsky

Hop hop!

We have opened a bottle of vintage Metallishtan votka (one of the few we saved) to celebrate the 10 000 plays our songs have gotten in MySpace! We are so very pleased to see that all our songs have been listened a lot... even the ones we did totally hammered! The new Promo Disk songs have been well received and for that we have to thank our passionate and loyal komrades and fans! You have the Ursus-power!

Soon our manifest will roar on the stages of Northern Finland and then the rest of the world will follow! Sharpen your bottle openers and iron your boots cause it's going to be one hell of a ride!

We hope you to visit our page again and again komrades! Time won't stand still in Metallishtan!

The Revolution is BLACK & RED!!

-Petrovsky

Yes it's true komrads, we finally have an actual drummer in our band so I don't have to worry about singing and playing guitar and drums simultaneously on the stage anymore. It would have required so very much of votka for me to pull that off!

So, you want some info about Karpov Markov? Well, this komrade has the bongo pounding skills for sure and as an added bonus he's as tall as General and Igor combined! Karpov is also blessed with the bestest cloaking and disguising mechanisms as he was able to totally fool the Russian officers. He served (well, did his bestest to sabotage everything and blamed the others) in the Russian army without them noticing that he is of Metallishtan origin. As soon as he heard about the Kozaks and the chance of being their drummer, he took some "leave" from his duties and travelled to Ostrobothnia, Finland.

Now it's time to take the songs to another level, the bestest level, and perform them for live audiences. But first we need some votka! Ursus-power!!

-General Petrovsky/KOM

PS: We will have some new photos with Karpov when we have the chance.

Could you believe it... I'm currently so very close to the Arctic Circle and still it's so hot that I could cook some schrâshny (Metallishtan omelette) on my balls! Few more days here and then I'll be joining my bestest komrad, Igor, in Oulu rock city. Our plan is to finally have a training with one drummer kandidate and see if he's up to the task. Of course we aren't just looking for a great player - he has to be able to drink votka like a Metallishtan man is supposed to!

So, everything is great in the land of Metallishtan! Keep it up komrades!

Bestest wishes,

Petrovsky

Ursus was surely watching over us during the Mid-Summer fest for we are still alive. I heard from the news that the average consumption of alcohol in Finland increases during these days by seven (7) times. I couldn't believe my ears! Where are the Ursus balls of this great nation?! I drank so very many bottles of votka that my breath burned the alcometer! Well, the monitor could not display enough characters anyway. Igor's beer load must have made the Russian radars beep like hell.

So,  we are alive and well and possibly starting training soon with a fresh drummer! We can't give any details about our drum komrades identity because even we don't know who he's going to be. We all know that he comes from Metallishtan, of course, but we can't quarantee anything else. In the fall we will hopefully hit the stages with URSUS-POWER!

You know tavarish, I didn't realize how handy this blog can be for bullshitting about our activities. Maybe even the AKO (anti-kozak organization) won't know to look from here, eh? We'll try to write something here a bit more regularly but it won't be anything useful. I'm looking forward to read Igor's sunday morning blogs after hes nights out at the votka parties! It's gonna require some heavy de-coding! Not even the poorest Russian technology could figure it out!

Ursus protection for all our loveliest and bestest komrades. You know who you are.

- General Petrovsky

The story of the Kozaks begins in the Soviet Russia and particularly in one special republic of the Bitch. To tell the great tale of the Kozaks, I must first tell you something about their cherished homeland and its many wonders.

Not so far in the past there used to live and mine a whole nation called Metallishtan. Their well cherished oblasti (territory), rich in heavy metals, was located somewhere near the republics of Baškortostan and Udmurtia. Also, as comrades and brothers of the Kazaks, the Metallishtan people have been linked to the country we now know as Kazakhstan. But no one knows where this heavenly place was exactly. Very few of the small population of farmers, miners and alcoholic musicians survived the Soviet invasion. After Mikhail Timofeevich Kalashnikov (born in Kurya, Altai 1919) finished the design of his world famous sub-machine gun AK-47 the Soviet leaders were ready to take the first step towards turning Metallishtan into one giant metal mine in the late 40's. With the new invention in their hands they could quickly progress from the borders to the very heart of Metallishtan (also called "Gardens of Metal"). Mercilessly they slaughtered the hairy (Hypertrichosis was common among Metallishtan population due to the vast amounts of various metals in their diet) women and children of the country and took the strongest of men for slaves. Especially many of the alcoholic musicians were killed because of their weak posture and unwillingness to obey authority. Some of the votka (Vodka) immersed men were witty enough to take a leap to middle east and more specifically, Afghanistan with the help of the fellow Kazaks. The ancestors of the three Kozaks - Petrovsky, Igor and Boris were among these people. Soon the Metallishtan troubadours, also known as the "Horny Bears" according to their home lands national animal, the Horny Bear (lat. Ursus Diabolicus) were famous for their energetic and totally unique performances of votka, urine and quirky tunes, the latter not being the least.

Meanwhile, back in their home country the Soviet generals were executing their cruel plan to wipe out an entire nation. All Metallishtan architecture (rich in detail) was burned down, votka-factories were demolished and the secret formulas (developed through centuries) were stolen. In few years Soviet scientists gained the admiration of the Tsar by manufacturing the purest vodka to date. The Metallishtan people were powerless before the unlimited firepower of the Kalashnikov. As a peaceful folk they did not seek to make weapons from their metals and therefore they were left unshielded. Soon all the women were gone and the long line of Metallishtan blood was about to dry out. The Soviets started importing their own females into the area for producing weak and bony children for the tough mining work. Many of them died because of insufficient technical surveillance and total lack of any humanity from their officers. In the end of the day it were the Metallishtan slaves who stood tall and proud with a ball and chain. Their eyes had adapted to the darkness, their lungs filtered the impurities of the air and their hairy skin protected them from the harshness of the metal and the cutting lashes of Soviet whips. In time, they were gone too and the Soviets were forced to leave the mines for they could not bear the conditions.

All hope was not gone for the Horny Bear troubadours were still gaining success in Afghanistan and the city of Kabul was in their hairy hands. One could hear Metallishtan music in practically every corner of the bazaars and the market salesmen were pushing bootleg clay disks from under their desks like cocaine. Then the inevitable happened. The Russian communist party that had taken the power turned their sight on Afghanistan and started the occupation in December 1979. The country that they had first aided with railroads and oil pipelines was now merely a political toy and a geographical frontline of protection from outside threats. Kabul was conquered before the Afghans could do a thing. But one particular inconvenience that they caused with their tanks and Kalashnikovs was the interruption of the Kozaks of Metallishtan (in short KOM) show. The two Kozaks, Petrovsky and Boris, had formed their group in Afghanistan and they were the offspring of the few survivors of their motherland Metallishtan. They had already lost their bass player, Mikhail, into Bitch Russia's cold heart Siberia and more was to come. Just as they were performing their most known tune, the Kazakhstan Song, the Soviet soldiers broke the doors of the place and fired their guns on the ceiling. None of the people had heard the roaming tanks outside. They were too ecstatic and focused to see and hear KOM play. Immediately recognized as Metallishtan people, Petrovsky and Boris were taken to custody. They were questioned and tortured in the Soviet military base on the edge of Kabul but help was soon to come. The cocaine loaded fans of KOM had armed themselves to teeth and with the vigorous strength of a Horny Bear they ran down all suppressors and set the Kozaks free. For protection the KOM men joined the guerilla groups of the mountains. As their honorary members the Kozaks took part in ambushing Russian colonies and crippling their arms supplies. But still afraid of total extinction of Metallishtan people, the two Horny Bears fled the country and started their long journey towards the north. They had seen the Soviets come to Metallishtan and now to Afghanistan and they weren't sure if any place was safe enough for them. So they traveled even more north until they saw the gleaming shores of Helsinki, Finland. Immediately they sensed that they were at home. These people were crazy alcoholics too and they had an endless craving for metal music. Finally, from Northern Ostrobothnia (a northern region of Finland) they found another Metallishtan brother, Igor, and also pottuviina, a strong spirit made out of potatoes. They electrified their sound to meet the standards of the modern world and started to record their unique musical pieces. You may have heard about these three men that are spreading the word of the Metallishtan power and might. Their names may have left your lips and your head may have ached after hearing their music. Yes, they are the Kozaks of Metallishtan, the last of the brave nation of the Horny Bear.