Go ahead and mark your calendars. December 4^th, 2006 is officially the end of civilization. Many an author and/or director have imagined what the end of civilization would look like and shared their vision with us. I'm here to tell you that it is nothing quite as extreme as any of them have foretold. No, it is much more subtle…

First, the background: I'm 6' 4" tall and 265 pounds (I have no idea how many kilo's or whatever metric equivalent you folks across-the-pond use. But toads would be cool. "How much do you weigh? About 3,647 toads". But I digress…) and, according to Skitch at least, I can look quite intimidating. (I'm really a big teddy bear!).

So yesterday I hear that Skitch is going to see 'The Fountain' in the early afternoon, and I bribe him into waiting until after 5 pm, when I get off of work from a real job (burn) to see the movie with me in the evening. I am an idiot.

We go to our favorite local theatre to see the 7:45 pm showing of 'The Fountain'. Since it isn't doing all that well at the box, it is showing in one of the extremely small… (What the hell do you call the individual rooms in a theatre?) room. For a while, we are the only two people in the room, sitting with the mandatory one-seat-hetero-guy-gap between us. Nice!

About 10 minutes before the previews start, a 20-something couple (we'll call them 20-something-couple) walks in and sits in the row behind us and slightly to my left. They go on and talk for the entire 10 minutes AND all through the previews. I actually enjoy watching the previews and I start to get a little upset, but being a fair and balanced human being, I give them the benefit of the doubt that they'll shut their pie-holes when the film starts.

The film starts and the pie-holes simmer down. Cool, maybe we got lucky this time. (HA! HA! HA! Silly person! The movie gods have foiled you again!)

30 seconds into the film… YES… Literally 30 SECONDS!!! …another younger couple (we'll call them 17-year-old-couple) walks in and sits two rows directly behind me and Skitch. And so our story REALLY begins…

17-year-old-couple is loud and obnoxious. Female 17-year-old-couple does not shut up, even to take a breath. Ever. 17-year-old-couple both find it amusing to laugh at every single moment where you start to really feel any kind of emotion for/with the characters. About 30 minutes into the film, I've had enough. There are 6 people in this theatre and I can't focus on the movie. I've had it.

I stand up and turn to face 17-year-old-couple and say:

Me: "Either shut up or get out!"

Male 17-year-old-couple: "Ha ha ha. What? Relax dude!"

Me: "Alright. Lets go." I point to the exit.

Male17-year-old-couple: "Go where?"

Me: "Out so I can kick your @ss."

Male 17-year-old-couple: "Dude, relax man! Jesus."

Me: "Then shut up and watch the movie!"

(That's the conversation as I can best remember it anyway. Skitch may correct me if I forgot anything.)

They manage to shut up for at least a whole two minutes or so.

I'm now so hyped up on adrenaline, wanting to dismember male 17-year-old-couple, that I can not manage to make any kind of emotional bond or connection with any of the characters in the movie. That pisses me off even more, because I can feel all of the emotion in the movie, but I can't cross that reality/movie boundary that I love to cross and get lost in. I'm now beyond pissed.

Well, I manage to not commit any felonies during the movie, but when the film ends and 17-year-old-couple gets up to leave, I get up and get in the face of male 17-year-old-couple.

Me: "One of these days you're going to learn some respect and how to respect other people!"

Male 17-year-old-couple: (Freezes and almost wets himself) "I'm sorry sir! I respect lots of people! I'm sorry sir!"

Me: "You managed to completely ruin this movie for me!

Male 17-year-old-couple: "I'm sorry if I ruined the movie sir. I'm really sorry sir!"

I move aside and let 17-year-old-couple make a quick exit. I then go to 20-something-couple and apologize for making a scene and upsetting their viewing experience.

Male 20-something-couple: "No problem. You didn't bother me one bit!"

'The fountain' was a brilliantly made film and I can see how many would rate it a 10/10. I can't fairly judge it because I never got to completely dive into the emotion of the film.

So go and build your bunkers or do whatever you feel you need to do, because, again, civilization is dead.

The maintenance guy is another one of my heroes here at Caesar's Palace. He doesn't even bother checking the batteries on the remotes. This dude is in the know and he immediately tugs, pulls and jiggles some things on the smaller bathroom TV and gets it working. The larger Bedroom TV however needs 'a new card'. I don't have the foggiest idea what he is talking about and I consider myself to be a pretty savvy audio/video kind of guy. The maintenance guy reports that he will need to send up 'an audio/video specialist' (I'm not kidding) to repair the TV.

Me: "When will he be up to fix the TV?"

Super Maintenance Man: "I don't know. I just called him and he isn't answering."

Me: "Oh, so he's in management then"

My experience here at Caesars has proven to me that it really is the little guy who's the hero. (Like the Super Maintenance Man, Tony the Wheel of Fortune Spinner, and Johnny the Coolest Waiter Ever) Management just flat out stinks here. Their answer to everything is:

Stupid Manager Person: "Oh, I'm sorry for your inconvenience. I'll put a $25.00 food and beverage credit on your room bill."

Me: "That's nice. It would actually be nicer had I actually been charging food to my room. (Of course, now I can afford that bag of peanuts in my refrigerator.) Now then, how about actually fixing the problem?"

Stupid Manager Person: "SECURITY!!!"

Broken appliance update: Our ice machine is still broken (2 days now). I've informed management that it doesn't work and they informed me that they are not responsible for the ice machines. There is some other company that comes in and takes care of them. Brilliant.

Normally in this circumstance, this would not be a problem. I'd walk 20 feet or so and get on an elevator and use an ice machine on another floor. (Those of you who have been to Vegas before are now laughing hysterically at me!)

However, since I am in Caesar's Palace, by the time I got the ice from a machine from another floor and got back to my room to actually use it, it would not only have melted, but also evaporated and returned to its natural state in the atmosphere. Not unlike what is going to happen to me if I don't get a cold drink sometime in the near future!

Today: The day was pretty uneventful, just a lot more of the same. Walk 4 miles from your room to go somewhere to eat. Walk another 2 miles to find and use a restroom. You know The usual

So I know that some of you out there are enjoying the misery that has been my trip to Las Vegas, so you probably were disappointed with the last 2 days entries since they were fairly upbeat and civil. Well, here's one for you

My TV quit working today. It worked last night. It didn't work this morning. It won't turn on and there is no power button on the actual TV, you MUST use the remote control to turn it on. Brilliant!

So I call housekeeping/Maintenance and I'm put on hold. Again, those of you who know me know that I HATE to give up on a phone call when I'm put on hold. I know their little game. They WANT me to hang up. Well I won't do it! I WILL BE VICTORIOUS!

15 minutes later

I swear to you someone from another hotel picked up the phone! I couldn't quite catch what she said, but nowhere in what she probably considers English did I hear anything that resembled 'Caesar's' or 'Palace' or 'Housekeeping' or 'Maintenance' in her greeting.

So I explain to umm Let's call her 'Maria'. Why Maria? If you've ever stayed in a hotel ANYWHERE in the world, you should know why. Go ahead and try me. Go to 'Hotel Hong Kong' or wherever and try it. Call the housekeeping department and TRY and get someone to answer that isn't named Maria. I dare you!

Anyway, I digress. So I tell Maria about my little TV problem.

Me: "My TV doesn't work. It won't turn on. The remote probably just needs new batteries, but"

Maria: (Sounds of Maria feverishly typing on a keyboard can be heard over the phone TapTapTapTapTap) "OK, try it now."

Me: "What?"

Maria: "Try to turn your TV on now."

Me: "Okaaaaaaaay" (I grab the remote and press power several times and nothing happens.)

Maria: "Ok, well it sounds like you need new batteries."

Me: ""

Maria: "I'll send someone up with new batteries. They should be up in 5 to 10 minutes."

Me: "OK. Sure." (Starts sobbing)

Vegas hates me.

Still don't believe me? Want proof? Here's a bonus item for you too. The Ice machine on my floor quit working today as well. It worked last night. It didn't work this morning. Vegas HATES me and wants me to leave.

The Evening: This evening was outstanding! Before we left for Vegas, I had the brains to go online to purchase tickets to go see Carrot Top while we're here. Thank God I did, because we found out that all of his shows this month are sold out now. (A HUGE THANK YOU to my friend Dawn for recommending this show to me!)

Carrot Top's show is located in the Luxor hotel which was nice for us since we hadn't spent too much time down at the south end of the strip yet. The Luxor is really cool looking, both inside and out. The theater that Carrot Top's show is in is great as well. It's a small theater seating around 350 people, making the whole show a very intimate experience.

I've seen comedians live before and I'm one who always enjoys a good laugh. Carrot Top almost killed me. He was so stinkin' hilarious that it was, at times, hard for me to breathe. For an hour and fifteen minutes I never stopped laughing. Kristi either. He was brilliant. Even when one of his jokes bombed, he managed to get a huge laugh from the audience.

By the way I still haven't got the batteries for the TV remote control

Slept in a little today. Those who know me well know that sleeping in is one of my favorite pastimes, so today is already starting off right! Yippie!

Had what I thought was breaded veal for lunch today and it was really good. Lightly breaded and not over cooked. Very yummy. Cheesecake for desert. Found out later that it was actually a breaded turkey patty. Fooled me! It tasted like veal, and everyone at our table thought it was veal as well. That's actually kind of creepy when you think about it…

The mini fridge: Most hotel rooms nowadays have a mini fridge, so I thought I'd give everyone a glimpse of mine. Ours is cram-packed, but that's a bad thing. No room for MY stuff. Very sneaky! It's full of all kinds of food and drink. The coolest thing in it? A big box of Jelly Beans. However, I don't even dare to stare directly at it, let alone touch it. Why? If I bought everything in this fridge, the total cost would equal the GNP of a large third world country. Not kidding! A 10 oz (tiny) bottle of coke costs $4.00. A can of Red Bull is $6.00. The most expensive thing in the Mini Fridge? A $60.00 bottle of so-so champagne.

Keeping busy: There's a cool little competition/giveaway going on in Vegas right now, the Treasure Hunt. Kristi and I signed up and that's what we did for most of the afternoon today. Basically you have to go through this list of casinos on the strip and find a station that will put a stamp on your card proving that you were there. They also give you a little trinket at each station like a keychain or pen or coffee mug. Yea for free junk!

After collecting the stamps, you deposit the card into a barrel and at 6:00 someone draws 7 cards, with a (very, very, very slim) chance at $1,000,000.00. Other prizes are helicopter rides, T-shirts, hats, watches, etc. Pretty cool for a free event.

So we did the treasure hunt, but didn't win. We still had a good time doing it and may try doing another one tomorrow. We got to go through some cool casinos and see some cool sites while we did it, so it'd be worth doing again. Fun and free. You can't beat that.

Decided to do dinner at the MGM Grand tonight. We want to go over there to see the lions anyway, so we'll do dinner there as well. It's all the way down at the end of the strip, but it gives us a chance to use the monorail. I wish all cities/towns had one of these. Sooooo convenient!

We made reservations at a steak/seafood place called "Craft Steak". We had no idea what the place was like beforehand, but it flat out, without exaggeration, was THE best meal I've ever eaten anywhere. Nothing else has even been close. I ordered the duck, I LOVE game bird, and it was flawless. I don't have the vocabulary to adequately describe just how good this duck was. You'll just have to believe me when I say that nothing I've ever eaten before, in my entire memory, has ever been this good. Amazing! I didn't even eat dessert because I wanted to remember the fantastic taste in my mouth. Yes, I DO obsess that much over food. Good food anyway…

After dinner we ventured over to the MGM Lion exhibit. There were two young female lionesses out in the exhibit and they were a lot of fun to watch. Again, if you know me, you know that I'm an animal lover and I love to see wildlife any chance that I can.

When we returned to Caesar's Palace, we weren't quite ready to go to bed, so we decided to go and frivolously loose some hard earned wages. Kristi, being a minor mathematical genius, stuck to the slot machines. I on the other hand, being a complete dufus, decided to play the "Wheel of Fortune" game.

Wheel of Fortune Game: Basically there is a big wheel with money (bills) on it (1, 2, 5, 10 & 20 dollar bills) and you wager on which one the wheel will stop spinning on. It took me around 2 hours to loose $60.00 but I had a blast doing it. I seemed to do a lot better than everyone else, but it is Vegas after all, so everyone looses eventually.

My dealer/wheel spinner was an old Greek/Italian looking guy named Tony. I loved Tony. He was super nice and *ahem* hated having to take my money (wink, wink). In the end I lost, but I tipped him anyway. He was just a cool guy to hang out with and I had a great time, even loosing. He about flipped when I tipped him and didn't want to take the money because I had lost. Strange. Is that not done? Anyway, I appreciated him and his conversation, so I showed my appreciation.

Time for bed. Tomorrow night we're going to see Carrot Top. It should be sweet!

I'm feeling much better today and I've calmed down quite a bit from the ultra rage I felt yesterday. The Jaeger Bomb has served its purpose.

Today we decided to do the touristy thing and go visit the Hoover Dam. This has special meaning to all those of you who, like me, loved "Bands on the Run". The dam is about 40 minutes from Vegas, over the mountains. We took a nice comfy tour bus to the dam and all I could do is dream of owning one of these things, tricking it out and touring the country with my band. Someday

The Dam was pretty cool, but you should know something about me. I HATE heights. Most of the time on the dam I was ok. It is well built and you really don't get vertigo unless you look straight down. I, of course, looked straight down several times. I had to to get the really cool pictures of the dam I wanted. It's a sacrifice I'm willing to take because the day before we left for Vegas, my ultra-cool wife let me drop over a grand on a new digital camera, lenses and accessories. A  Canon Digital Rebel XT. SWEET!!! (Thank you Uncle Sam for the BIG refund!)

I love this camera. I'm still learning all of the intricacies of the Digital Rebel, but I've already taken some incredible shots with it. Vegas definitely has some incredible views and it's not too hard to find something worth shooting. Everything is over the top and glittery here.

Well, when we got back from the dam, Kristi and I thought we'd try the slots and see what all the fuss was about. Why do little old ladies from all over the world come and sit in front of these things for hours and hours and hours at a time? I played $10 in a machine and

Wait, I need to back up and give you a little information

The slot machine. The slot machine that you see in the movies and on TV is a thing of the past. You know, the box with an arm and 3 spinners that you try to match up and win your fortune. Nice and simple, right?

Well, apparently that was a much too simple a way for Vegas to fleece its visitors. Now computers are involved. That makes everything much more simple right? Ha ha ha. Silly person. There are now touch screens, dozens of buttons to be pushed, 5 spinners instead of just 3, and more than one way to win money. Sounds good, right? Heh, heh, heh

Kristi and I played our slot machines for about 20 minutes on our $10 (each) on the penny slot machines and when we were done, we still weren't sure what had happened. At one point, my slot machine broke out into a game of "the match game" using playing cards and everything. What the??? And on top of everything else, the penny slot isn't really a penny slot. Sure, you can wager just a penny, but your chances of winning anything are next to nil. Instead you wager on how many different lines you want to play. Straight lines, diagonals, and combinations of both straight and diagonal lines. Plus you can wager more than a penny on each line. All in all, you can have up to a $3.00 bet on a penny slot machine. What a bargain.

When we were done with the Vegas style 'nu-math' advanced calculus class, we decided to go to dinner. Raymond James, the investment company Kristi works for, was having a dinner here at Caesar's Palace. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that we're here for a convention with Kristi's company. Work, work, work  ;-)

Dinner was really good. Not great, but good. It was a buffet style and I really liked the Jambalaya. The music, however, was not so great. The dinner was a "Roaring 20's" theme. Not my cup of tea. My eyes were treated to the likes of old women in fishnets and goofy hats trying to dance sexy. Maybe Jambalaya wasn't the best choice

Another thing that is not my cup of tea? Gin Martinis. They suck! (Note to self: Always request Vodka Martinis)

All in all, an uneventful day, but after yesterday, that was more than welcome.

So I'm flying to Vegas. It's my first time there and I've wanted to go for years. Pretty sweet, right? You'd think so. I'm on the plane and we have just taken off and already I've made some observations.

1^st observation: This is the gayest flight I've ever been on. There are 3 male stewardesses… well, stewards I guess… Not a one of them wearing a wedding band. Hmmm… Wonder why? Well, the good news is that there is NO WAY this plane is going down with this many ferries on it!

2^nd observation: "Vegas people" are obnoxious. I'm not talking about people who live in and/or are from Las Vegas, I'm talking about people who consider Vegas their "Mecca". Man what a rowdy bunch of people. While taxiing and waiting for our turn to take off, I thought they were going to take control of the plane. They couldn't get in the air fast enough! "Vegas is waiting for us!" is, I'm sure, what they are all thinking. We haven't left the ground yet and at least 3 people in my immediate area are already drunk.

Well, things have settled down quite a bit now that we're in the air. Good news: there is an in-flight movie during out 4 ½ hour flight. Bad news: It's 'Elizabethtown'. This is going to be a long flight…

4 long hours later…

Well, we've arrived. Now on to our hotel, Caesar's Palace on 'The Strip'.

Caesar's Palace, a 'Four Diamond' hotel:

Initial impression, this place is big and beautiful. That's the good. Now the bad. I'll take you through our check-in process.

Approximately 7:00 pm we arrive and go to check-in. Picture this: 30 or so terminals for people to register at and 1 person working the counter. I'm not kidding. It's like WalMart is running this place. 15 minutes later, we're still in line and FINALLY 2 more people come out to help register guests.

We finally get checked in and ask for a bellman to take our 400 bags up to our room. 10 minutes later, still no bellman. I couldn't even tell you what their uniforms look like. We haven't seen one in the half hour or more since we got here.

We finally decide to lug all of our bags up to our room ourselves. Fine. We get into our room and not TWO MINUTES after we get in my wife finds 3 condoms on the floor (Unused and in their wrappers, thank God!). Niiiiiiiice…

I proceed to go to the front desk, carrying the said paraphernalia in my hand and I hand the 'freebies' to one of the front desk dudes. I tell him what happened and (kudos to this guy) the front desk dude manages to (barely) keep his composure. I ask him to send someone up to re-clean our room since apparently they had been filming porn in our room just minutes earlier. He apologizes and says that he needs to go and show this to his manager. I imagine he went into the next room and just lost it! I know I would have had I not been on the other side of the counter.

The front desk dude comes back and again apologizes to us and says that he will change our room, since that would be quicker than having someone clean our room.

Me: "Fine, send a bellman up to move our luggage to the new room."

Front Desk Dude: "He'll be up in 5 to 10 minutes."

Riiiiiiiiight…

…1 hour later, I phone the bell station to find out why no one has come for our bags yet…

Bell Captain: "Oh, we sent someone, but they went to the wrong room."

Me: "Great, so can you send someone to the correct room?"

Bell Captain: "Someone will be up in 5 to 10 minutes…"

Grrrrrrrrrr…

…20 minutes later… Another call to the Bell manager…

Me: "Where is our bellman?"

Bell Captain: "I'm sorry sir, he should have been there by now. Maybe just give him another minute or two."

Me: "Fine."

…5 minutes later… No bellman… another call…

Me: "WHERE IS MY BELLMAN!!!"

Bell Captain: "I'm not sure. He should have been there by now."

Me: "Forget him, we'll take our own luggage to the new room!"

Bell Captain: "Ok, I'm sorry sir."

…So we do. We move to our new room, up 2 floors and approximately 40 city blocks away… 2 minutes later my wife finds dirty towels in the NEW room! Another phone call to the front desk…

Me: "#%*@#, we have ANOTHER DIRTY ROOM!"

New Front Desk Dude: "I'm sorry about that sir"

Me: "I'd like to speak to someone in Upper Management"

New Front Desk Dude: "I'll have someone call you."

… 5 minutes later… *RING* *RING*

Me: "Hello"

Front Desk Manager Person: "Hello Mr. Gross, this is the front Desk Manager Person."

…I explain in great detail, using charts and graphs that she could not see over the phone, what exactly has happened to me and my wife since we arrived at this fine establishment…

It went on, and on, and on… 11:00 pm! Four hours later, we finally settle into our last room, room #4 for us and STILL no bellman! We get into the room and the Front Desk Manager person offers to buy us dinner since we haven't eaten since noon. Cool with me.

We decide to eat at the "Augustus Café" because the food was supposed to be good, it was close and it was open.

Coolest Waiter Ever: "Hello, I'll be your waiter tonight."

Me: "Oh God PLEASE tell me you have a full bar!"

Coolest Waiter Ever: "Welcome to Vegas sir! What would you like?"

Me: "Something strong. I need it."

Coolest Waiter Ever: "One Jaeger Bomb it is."

Me: "…"

Coolest Waiter Ever leaves and returns with said drink. He then explains how to assemble and drink the drink. I follow his directions. Some food was ordered and he goes off to do his thing. After a while he returns to check up on us.

Coolest Waiter Ever: "How are you folks doing?"

Me: "I think I love you."

Coolest Waiter Ever: "You're welcome."

So the food comes and Kristi and I are eating and I'm feeling quite exceptional. All is now well and balanced in the universe. The Coolest Waiter Ever has restored my faith in mankind and I'm now ready to give Las Vegas another chance. Actually, I'm ready for bed…

Hey… Who moved the elevators?

Here's the back story...

Exiled just finished playing an awesome show in Columbus. We're heading home on I70. Skitch receives a text message on his phone from our buddy Brian Gerbetz...

*This just in* from the Ohio police scanner broadcasting system

A van load of drug dealing, child molesting, bad music playing, bi-sexual middle aged men are headed north from Columbus on route 70 If anyone comes in contact with them we ask you to please shoot them dead on site The world has had enough of their ninny nancy boy wannabe pussy-pop-punk-faggot-rap-rock Reward is $2.00.

*Gerbetz*

We need some new friends...  :-)

A HUGE thank you to everyone who voted for Exiled in the "Save the Lion's Lincoln Theatre - Dream Concert" competition!

Not only were we in the top 4, but we WON the headlining position by having the most votes overall! THANK YOU!!!

The concert lineup will be:
Escape From Folly
NAOS
Post Mortum
Exiled

The tentative date for the show is May 20th, but could possibly change. All 4 bands and the Theatre still have to confirm for that night, so we will know for sure in the very near future. We'll be sure to let you know when we find out.

Massillon, Ohio will never be the same!

John