Time flies.

It sure does.

Ten years ago, I would have never imagined myself in such a compromising position. It saddens me greatly, to see how pathetic and devoid of all grace, I have become. All because I fucked up my O levels. Just because I fucked up on the educational progression path. One stumble, and I've fallen down all the way. All the fucking way. Like a rain, the myriad of other burdens come raining down on me in it's wake.

Fuck all of you who tell me I'm just undergoing a phase. Fuck all of you who say you've been through worse. Fuck all of you who think you know better. Seriously, to all you smart fucks who believe I'm being a fool because I lack a certain willpower or something, go burn in fucking Hell. Because you've not got the chance to step into my shoes, feel the paralysis of my heart. And you never will.

The people around me. Almost all the people I've been close to. Almost all of them are progressing somewhere now. Hindered only by the little troubles an ignorant adolescent deserves. They're doing something with their lives now. Becoming someone. What irks me is that they can still tell me they're sorry for my predicament. Look me in the eye, and tell me you're sorry.

How people change. How people can so conveniently say one thing and start singing a different tune another time. Best of all, they think it's justified if they admit their wrong-doing. But that doesn't really make any difference, now does it? There's a difference between admitting your wrong-doings and admitting your mistakes.

Some of you will never learn. And I pray that a flood will come and wash you all off the face of this planet. Erase all trace of your existence. Wipe out your fucking pointless existence. A person with such damnable qualities. Belongs to the Devil only.

Reminds me of a certain line I once heard in Russian.

"If someone kills me, don't wake me up. Because I'd rather be dead than live in your world."

He knew what he was talking about it.

'Pride is just another way, of trying to live with my mistakes. Denial is a better way, of getting through another day. Silence is another way, of saying what I want to say. Lying is another way, of hoping it will go away.

And you were always my mistake.

Given time I fix the roof. Given cash I speak the truth.

When I'm down, I drive the hearse."


later.

October 31st has come and gone. And while I never really cared much about my birthday, I can't help but feel a little sad. Sad that my special day has come and gone. Now I've got to wait another year for it.

Your birthday's the only day in your life when people seem inexplicably pleasant towards you. All the colors shine brighter. So we return to the present...

What's been happening?

My situation with the Capital Of Austria hasn't changed much. I'm still the subject of a choice, and I remain in waiting vigilantly. Why I choose to wait even though I'd probably end up losing her, I don't know. I don't know a lot of things. Parts of my brain seem to have just died. Unable to deal with the fact that I am facing situations in which I am helpless, I just let my brain rot. I'd rather die than admit the truth. I'm a little old-fashioned that way, I guess.

The Morning made a surprise appearance in my life again. While it did excite me at the time, she started playing mind games with me again. The only problem is, this time, I don't have a clue to what she's trying to do, which upsets me quite a great deal. But it's almost made me cautious in every way. Can't afford to take too many risks, can you?

What about the rest of my life? I hate my current school. Hate every single fucking thing about it. The campus, the students, the teachers. Everything. In recent weeks, I've contemplated leaving, in fact, I'm still in consideration. But what happens from there? Unfortunately for me, I do not have a multitude of options at my disposal. Suffice to say, I'm in a state of disconnection.

I'm running out of time.

"Everything's a novelty. Everyone grows but me."

later.

It's the month of October. It's the 20th. I celebrate the day I entered this world in about 11 days. I have to say, I'm not that hyped up about it. Who likes to celebrate everytime they get a little older? I think after a certain age, you just don't really give much of a damn anymore.

Apart from the fact that it'll be my special day, well well. Nothing much to look forward to aye?

I've still got much on my mind. I'm sorry to many of you for not putting out my story in a chronological order. I figure most of you don't even have a clue about what's bothering me now. Suffice to say, it is no longer about the Morning. She is out of the picture (I know many of you will find it hard to believe), but it's true. Now someone new is in my life. So to make things easier, I shall codename her...the Capital Of Austria. That's a long ass codename, but it'll do.

So, naturally, I do not like to spill out all my guts online. It's...stupid? I don't know. So I'll sum it up as best as I can.

We meet. One thing led to another, we fall for each other. Everything goes sweet. And now...........

Let's just say someone's flying down all the way from Austria just to ruin my life.

I'm oddly touched. Someone's making such an effort just to make me feel like shit. That means so much to me. He arrives next month. And until then, the Capital Of Austria remains...indifferent. She's had this big shift in attitude lately. Obviously she's confused, because she has a decision to make, right?

So what's it gonna be. Will Joel be the one! Or will he have to stand down in the end and hope he shot himself months ago? Stay tuned.

By the way, Mr.Big played here two days ago as part of their reunion tour, and I have to say. Pretty much the greatest fucking concert I've ever attended.


"You be looking groovy, in a sixties movie. Maybe tell the press you died? Little legend baby, try your very best to hide."

later.

It's amazing how much can happen in a month.

It's also a wonder to realize how much the little things can disrupt your life indefinitely.

My holidays gave me a much needed period to sit down and just let my thoughts take it's course. Allowed me to consolidate all the memories in my head. I did the most mundane things any person would do. I watched tv, I read books, I wrote songs. I kept to myself for most part, and I liked it, even though I didn't enjoy complete solitude.

Maybe I just need that change of scenery. To get far away from the despondence of it all. To run away from my misery, and let it stand in the midst of the rain. And run. Far far away. Probably to some secret place in the neck of the woods in some obsolete area where no one can find me.

I enjoy singing the songs I love. But in a place like this, the opportunity doesn't come very often. You can't just walk down the street singing Hey Jude because people will probably think you're stupid for not being considerate to other members of the public.

It's a little difficult to believe that while I've been on this planet for such little time, I've seen enough to know that maybe I was never meant to be here in the first place. You know something's not right when you're feeling unhappy all the time. And the things you want to do, you just don't seem to be able to do it.

Doesn't it drive you crazy to come face to face with impossibility? Even if that hurdle could be crossed, you'll just end up staring the test of time in the face at the next corner. No one's willing to wait a few decades just to enjoy some sort of closure.

So what do you do? What do you do?
When you end up spending all your money on alcohol and tobacco, you know you don't have a plan.

Because really. What can you do?

"How I wish, how I wish you were here. We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl. Year after year, running over the same ground. What have we found? The same old fears. Wish you were here."

How I wish.


later.

To everyone it may concern


It has recently come to my attention that someone has been masquerading around on the social networking site Facebook using my name. I am extremely shocked and displeased that such a sham has been occuring under my nose. This is of extreme disrepute to me and it has put me in a precarious position.

It only goes to show how low you can get when you use someone else's name to such disdain and as a tool of public humiliation. I do hope that anyone of you who know me well enough would realize I would not be so undeniably dim-witted to put up seemingly stupid status updates like, 'FACEBOOK!' or 'I regret mentioning that I said I'll never use Facebook'.

I'll like to make it clear that my original stand remains unchanged. I'll never utilize Facebook, and if any of you do see a profile with my name on it, it isn't me.

I have gotten the management of Facebook to resolve this situation and delete the said account. I'd also like to make it clear that the only sites I use at this point of time remain MySpace and my Twitter feed. Any contact can be directed here at my official MySpace page, or my Twitter account.

Thank you for your time

Sincerely
Joel Vijay

Ever realize that something's amiss, but you can't pinpoint what exactly?

To me, it's a little different. I am completely oblivious to anything that's happening to me. People have noticed that I behave differently nowadays, and to quote a few, appear 'moody'. And for all you concerned souls out there, I'll just set the record straight.

If it appears that something's wrong with me, perhaps you're right. I feel it too, but do you want the truth? Sure you do. I honestly don't know. I feel as if a section of my brain has been wiped clean, so while I'm feeling some truly drastic effects, I can't tell you why it's happening, because I don't know.

What's happening to me? Do I have to get a drawing block out and retrace my steps?

My mind's about to shut down, I need to prevent this.

Fuck this.


'How will I face the day tomorrow, if I can't make it through today? I've got nothing left to lose, but my sanity. And the right to go insane.'

'I've got nothing left to lose, but my mind. I've got nothing left to choose, so I think I'll go insane'


Let's hope it doesn't come to that point.

later.

Tired. Not in the general physical sense though.

Tired of letting things run through my mind and not end up in it's desired destination.

Recently I started a little personal project on Nirvana, the brainchild of grunge master Kurt Cobain. Their formation, how they ended up in the mainstream and disliked it thoroughly and Kurt's eventual death in 1994, which effectively dissolved the band.

One of the many things Nirvana was noted for was their terribly melancholic lyrics, something which Kurt himself was never able to explain fully and something which fans themselves were only able to notice once their hit album 'Nevermind' finally came with lyrics printed in the album's liner notes. It begs the question; "Was Kurt really disturbed? Or was he just trying to send a message out, and it got terribly misinterpreted along the way?". Ironically, in the song 'Come As You Are', Kurt kept singing the line, "And I don't have a gun. I swear I don't have a gun.". Needless to say, it got me thinking. Do I really want people to say I never shut up about how fucked my life is? Too many people have done that, Kurt being a brilliant example. Oasis themselves intentionally steered away, with the song 'Live Forever', which as it's name suggests, was about wanting to live forever and making the most out of it, as Noel Gallagher explained, "At the time . . . it was written in the middle of grunge and all that, and I remember Nirvana had a tune called 'I Hate Myself and I Want to Die', and I was like . . . 'Well, I'm not fucking having that.' As much as I fucking like him [Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain] and all that shit, I'm not having that. I can't have people like that coming over here, on smack, fucking saying that they hate themselves and they wanna die. That's fucking rubbish. Kids don't need to be hearing that non-sense. Seems to me that here was a guy who had everything, and was miserable about it. And we had fuck-all, and I still thought that getting up in the morning was the greatest fuckin' thing ever, 'cause you didn't know where you'd end up at night. And we didn't have a pot to piss in, but it was fucking great, man."

While my life indeed is fucked at the moment, I don't for a moment stop thinking about one day climbing out of this shithole. I have always been driven by this desire to stray my own path, and close myself to further influence from others. I'm running on this hellbent desire to be different from anyone else. I don't want others to compare to me anyone else. And yet, at the end of the day, I don't have the resources to actually carry on.

The things I want. God. My soul is so fucking impenetrable, and yet in this case, I feel so vulnerable. What do I want? Do I truly know? I think I do.

I want this, I want that. More importantly, do I want her? Or 'her'?

But 'she's so preoccupied with other things and other people, 'she' probably doesn't even know (anymore).

"Load up on guns and bring your friends. It's fun to lose and to pretend. She's over-bored and self-assured. Oh no, I know a dirty word."

Hello, hello, hello, how low?


later.

I can't believe I'm posting this. Still think I'm dreaming.

But it's true. It is fucking true.


OPETH ARE COMING TO FUCKING SINGAPORE!


My favorite freakin' band in the whole wide world! Fuck!
To all Opeth die-hards who want to catch the show in Singapore, please take note.


The show is tentatively scheduled for the 28th of November 2009.
Pre-booking is available NOW from inokii


I implore all metalheads in Singapore and around the region, this is a once and a lifetime opportunity for many of us. Please do your part and spread the word around. We need to get a big crowd at the show, so please pre-book NOW from inokii.

More details as they come along! Cheers.

One of the many nights where I sit in an armchair in the darkness and gaze incessantly into nothingness. The dark keeps my thoughts in constant swirl.

For those moments, I become a Solipsist. Locked in my own mind, resisting the enticement to succumb to the torturous endeavors of my memories trying to kill me from within.

By now you should know, I am a very...unusual person. The differences are palpable. But by now I shouldn't have to reiterate that every single time I make a peculiar statement. As they say, like chalk and cheese.

My spirits seem to have lifted slightly. Maybe due to reasons I will not reveal here. One very important thing to note, I thrive on progression. Making steady improvement enhances my abilities, the clarity kicks in. More importantly, the dogged crux of my pride makes me feel...invincible, for lack of a better word.

Am I slowly recuperating? Do I feel my senses coming back? I can only wait.

As I have said so often before, Pride is my greatest sin. And it doesn't allow me to have regrets.


"No day, no night, not even twilight."

"In the book of Life and Death, their names are all condemned."


later.

Ever find yourself trying to explore the depths of your soul? Try to dig in deep and see if you can discover what's at the core?

I tried doing that, and my curious search yielded some fascinating results.


I have always thought that I was always nearing the pinnacle of my supposed 'transformation' into a figure I had always wanted to be. An image I wanted to display. A unique representation of what I believe in and live. Turns out I was further away than I ever expected. I am, the uninitiated.

Part of this 'soul-searching' led me to do a little more research on a prominent figure known to many of us for his somewhat bizarre lifestyle. That's right. Dear Brian Hugh Warner, better known as Marilyn Manson.

One of the first questions that piqued my curiosity was wondering what had led him to make the choices he had made? What allowed him to grow into such a morbid spectacle? Unlike many of his detractors, I do not possess a shallow mind. I knew it had a pretty damn good reason and proper justification for his beliefs. This stretched beyond just the music.

I went through some of his albums, notably Antichrist Superstar, Mechanical Animals & my personal favorite, Holy Wood (In The Shadow Of The Valley Of Death). Interestingly, there is an entire storyline arch bridged in these three albums, following the tale of Adam and Coma White. It's all filled with metaphors and wonderful wordplay. It's all filled with intricate symbology and puzzles. To those who own a copy of Antichrist Superstar,  found on the front of the album cover is a circle surrounded by the words Heart, Mind, Complacent, and Malice. If you fold the booklet just right you can also find the hidden words Heart, Mind, Complacent, and Malice made up of folding the words Heaven/Comfort, Minister/Fiend, Complaisant/Magnificent and Master/Lice respectively.

You might also realize his morbid fascination with the numeral '15'. A little research tells me such. "MAR1LYN MAN5ON" with a figure 1 for the 'i' in Marilyn and a figure 5 for the letter 's' in Manson, the Omega-head logo contains 15 computer keys on the forehead, another obvious instance being the track "New Model No. 15," and "User Friendly," in the pre-verse of which, Manson harmonizes with exactly fifteen "doos" each time it is sung. Other notes of interest on the number 15 include the fact that Marilyn Manson's birthday is January 5 (1/5), when inserted into a computer 15 tracks appear on the album, The Devil's Tarot card is XV (15), and the album's release date was September 15 (or 9/15, which is 9+1+5=15).

Can you believe this guy? He's a fucking genius.

Why I find this all so important in my quest to find my inner being, I do not know. Naturally people would say I am inspired by him, and therefore would seek to emulate him. Not true.

Sure, he fascinates me, but I would never want to emulate him. I seek to find my own unique image, something which is truly mine. And perhaps, maybe even more sinister than he could ever be. Apparently I have very few boundaries.

"Sweet dreams are made of this. Who am I to disagree? Travel the world, and the seven seas. Everybody's looking for something."

"Some of them want to use you. Some of them want to get used by you."


later.