And I return.

Greetings everyone. It's been a while, and yes. This is my first post of the year 2010. I have to say, I have great expectations for this year.

You all read my last post, a recap on the events which shattered my life last year. There was hardly anything good to take out of 2009, except maybe discovering the work of a pure genius known as 'Californication'. Apart from getting some much needed inspiration from the greatest intelligent screw-up known as Hank Moody, last year kinda sucked big time.

Which is why my motto for 2010 is, 'Resurrection, Revival, Responsible'.

Now, many of you might probably think that the motto I've chosen sounds incredibly ridiculous, or for most part, maybe because you don't think 'responsible' is a word that describes me at any level. Allow me to explain...

I intend on this year being a somewhat transitional period for me. I don't expect any groundbreaking miracles to lift me off the dirt path anytime soon. However, I am intending to make the necessary amends, to ensure that those miracles do happen by 2011, which isn't exactly far off. Perhaps my reason for being still somewhat pessimistic regarding the fact I don't think anything absolutely awesome is going to happen this year is because.......Sorry, that sentence was getting too long. Well, because I'm still in that shithole they call a school, aren't I?

Until I leave that place, I won't declare myself back to normal. Even if every other problem gets fixed. But the good news is, I'm making a bit of progress right? Not so melancholic now, aren't I!

Well, of course there's a reason! Everytime I make a little progress with the Morning, I get a little happier. Of course, it isn't always good, but hey, when I get her back for the rest of my life, these little bad points aren't going to make a difference now, are they? It's time to keep myself optimistic, I know I'll fix all this!

That's right baby, I'm back in black!


"I'm a rolling thunder, a pouring rain I'm comin' on like a hurricane. My lightning's flashing across the sky. You're only young but you're gonna die. I won't take no prisoners, won't spare no lives. Nobody's putting up a fight I got my bell, I'm gonna take you to hell, I'm gonna get you."

"'Cause I'm the one who's gonna make you burn, I'm gonna take you down - down, down, down! So don't you fool around!"

On to reclaim the Morning for good. Later.

December. There's never any snow or icy landscapes on this side of Earth, but the chills certainly make themselves apparent.

I never thought I would make it this far. It seems like only a month ago I was battling my inner demons and fighting off the residual torment of my mistakes (which started back in mid-February). And now, it's December. While I am certainly glad that we've reached the end of a torrid 2009, there's not much to suggest 2010 would be any better. Unless a miracle of sorts happens here and now, I, and I'm sure many of you, will continue to stare into the void of ages to come.

Of course I seek to find comfort to all that has been happening within me. It's been a deadly experience. I struggle to solve this once and for all, and when I say 'solve all this', I mean restore my sense of pride, destroy the inferiority complex that I developed this year, make amends with the Morning and leave that dreadful institution they call a school (I refuse to name it, you all know what I'm referring to), in the process erasing every bit of memory I developed and will develop in my time there. For the school situation, once my time there is up, I will find a way to destroy every bit of evidence and memory ever linking me to it's name. Everything. As far as I'm concerned, that will be something that never happened.

This last week has been pleasantly gratifying. The Christmas play we put up gave me a sense of fulfillment I haven't felt in a very long time. Which was possibly what induced my initial stage fright at the start (Jamais Vu, perhaps?). After it ended, I even managed to muster some feelings of regret that it was already over. Nevertheless, it was a success, and it made me ponder some other things.

Today marks a full week since I had my first phone conversation with the Morning. Now, with the inadvertent mind games she continues to play with me, I should have tried contacting her today. Instead, I felt so lazy and decided I'd wait. This triggered an emotional response of sorts, and I started to wonder.

Have I been grieving for so long, and so hard? That instead of utilizing every way to get through to the Morning, I've reached a stage where I'm just inevitably...

...feeling forlorn?

No. It can't be. It can never be like this.

"Hey! You're awake! And it keeps you where you're born to be. You're afraid... he's afraid! And it keeps your wants a-wanting... Oh, let go! You're the only thing that keeps you well controlled. Self-control! It will make sure we are one, you wanna see us!

Oh! You're addicted! Which makes it seem so hard to be your friend. You're addicted to your pain."

"So the time is right, so tell me if you wanna? You should change it if you're gonna... But I don't really know how... I've already tried... Involve.

I don't want to save my soul now. I don't want to lose control. And even if it takes a lifetime to learn...I'll learn."

"As everything in life, comes together now. I need your mind. And everything is light, I remember now. I see you rise. And all the lonely things, seem to want to change. I'll sleep on it tonight.

We don't even understand, something's going on. We don't even understand, so how could this be wrong?

I'm so in love with you... how could I? Ever be untrue. Am I with you? With everything I do. God I love you. I love you..."

Ih-Ah!

Change. I think I've mentioned on more than one occasion that it is something I do not enjoy. Getting out of the comfort zone and treading on unchartered territory is something I greatly dislike.

Unfortunately for me, that's exactly what I find at every turn I make in my theatrical life these days.

I wonder how much things have changed in the just less than a year. It's insurmountable, to say the least. What fascinates me the most, and also stirs up much anger and hatred inside of me, is how people change. When I say change, I mean change. A total revamp of characteristics once held so dear. I know a few people like such. Sometimes I wonder if it's really worth giving them the attention they crave. Should I not just step to the side and proclaim that since the person's changed, I no longer feel like I know you anymore?

What I'm really trying to say is, the human race is a deeply flawed one. A race of faceless liars. It's like we're a bunch of pack-rats, thrown into a cage that is the world today, and observed from yonder, how we behave.

It's no wonder this world is going to hell.

And you all know it's true. No one will ever admit it. No one has the guts. No one would stand up to say that eventually, all this pain and suffering, all the tears of joy and happiness. All this laughter. It don't mean shit in the end.

They say live your life to the fullest. I say get out of here, before it's too late.

'Im Lichtkleid kam sie auf mich zu, Ich weiß es noch wie heut. Ich war so jung hab mich geniert. Doch hab es nie bereut. Sie rief mir Worte ins Gesicht. Die Zunge Lust gestreut. Verstand nur ihre Sprache nicht. Ich hab es nicht bereut.'

(In a dress of light she approached me. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was so young, felt embarrassed. But I've never regretted it. She shouted words at my face. Her tongue strewed lust. But I didn't understand her language. I haven't regretted it.)

'Ein Flüstern fiel mir in den Schoß, und führte feinen Klang. Hat viel geredet nichts gesagt, und fühlte sich gut an. Oh non rien de rien. Oh non je ne regrette rien. Wenn ich ihre Haut verließ. Der Frühling blutet in Paris.'

(A whisper fell to my lap, and made a marvellous sound. Talked a lot, said nothing and felt good. Oh no, nothing at all. Oh no, I don't regret anything. When I left her skin. Springtime bleeds in Paris.)


later.

Time flies.

It sure does.

Ten years ago, I would have never imagined myself in such a compromising position. It saddens me greatly, to see how pathetic and devoid of all grace, I have become. All because I fucked up my O levels. Just because I fucked up on the educational progression path. One stumble, and I've fallen down all the way. All the fucking way. Like a rain, the myriad of other burdens come raining down on me in it's wake.

Fuck all of you who tell me I'm just undergoing a phase. Fuck all of you who say you've been through worse. Fuck all of you who think you know better. Seriously, to all you smart fucks who believe I'm being a fool because I lack a certain willpower or something, go burn in fucking Hell. Because you've not got the chance to step into my shoes, feel the paralysis of my heart. And you never will.

The people around me. Almost all the people I've been close to. Almost all of them are progressing somewhere now. Hindered only by the little troubles an ignorant adolescent deserves. They're doing something with their lives now. Becoming someone. What irks me is that they can still tell me they're sorry for my predicament. Look me in the eye, and tell me you're sorry.

How people change. How people can so conveniently say one thing and start singing a different tune another time. Best of all, they think it's justified if they admit their wrong-doing. But that doesn't really make any difference, now does it? There's a difference between admitting your wrong-doings and admitting your mistakes.

Some of you will never learn. And I pray that a flood will come and wash you all off the face of this planet. Erase all trace of your existence. Wipe out your fucking pointless existence. A person with such damnable qualities. Belongs to the Devil only.

Reminds me of a certain line I once heard in Russian.

"If someone kills me, don't wake me up. Because I'd rather be dead than live in your world."

He knew what he was talking about it.

'Pride is just another way, of trying to live with my mistakes. Denial is a better way, of getting through another day. Silence is another way, of saying what I want to say. Lying is another way, of hoping it will go away.

And you were always my mistake.

Given time I fix the roof. Given cash I speak the truth.

When I'm down, I drive the hearse."


later.

October 31st has come and gone. And while I never really cared much about my birthday, I can't help but feel a little sad. Sad that my special day has come and gone. Now I've got to wait another year for it.

Your birthday's the only day in your life when people seem inexplicably pleasant towards you. All the colors shine brighter. So we return to the present...

What's been happening?

My situation with the Capital Of Austria hasn't changed much. I'm still the subject of a choice, and I remain in waiting vigilantly. Why I choose to wait even though I'd probably end up losing her, I don't know. I don't know a lot of things. Parts of my brain seem to have just died. Unable to deal with the fact that I am facing situations in which I am helpless, I just let my brain rot. I'd rather die than admit the truth. I'm a little old-fashioned that way, I guess.

The Morning made a surprise appearance in my life again. While it did excite me at the time, she started playing mind games with me again. The only problem is, this time, I don't have a clue to what she's trying to do, which upsets me quite a great deal. But it's almost made me cautious in every way. Can't afford to take too many risks, can you?

What about the rest of my life? I hate my current school. Hate every single fucking thing about it. The campus, the students, the teachers. Everything. In recent weeks, I've contemplated leaving, in fact, I'm still in consideration. But what happens from there? Unfortunately for me, I do not have a multitude of options at my disposal. Suffice to say, I'm in a state of disconnection.

I'm running out of time.

"Everything's a novelty. Everyone grows but me."

later.

It's the month of October. It's the 20th. I celebrate the day I entered this world in about 11 days. I have to say, I'm not that hyped up about it. Who likes to celebrate everytime they get a little older? I think after a certain age, you just don't really give much of a damn anymore.

Apart from the fact that it'll be my special day, well well. Nothing much to look forward to aye?

I've still got much on my mind. I'm sorry to many of you for not putting out my story in a chronological order. I figure most of you don't even have a clue about what's bothering me now. Suffice to say, it is no longer about the Morning. She is out of the picture (I know many of you will find it hard to believe), but it's true. Now someone new is in my life. So to make things easier, I shall codename her...the Capital Of Austria. That's a long ass codename, but it'll do.

So, naturally, I do not like to spill out all my guts online. It's...stupid? I don't know. So I'll sum it up as best as I can.

We meet. One thing led to another, we fall for each other. Everything goes sweet. And now...........

Let's just say someone's flying down all the way from Austria just to ruin my life.

I'm oddly touched. Someone's making such an effort just to make me feel like shit. That means so much to me. He arrives next month. And until then, the Capital Of Austria remains...indifferent. She's had this big shift in attitude lately. Obviously she's confused, because she has a decision to make, right?

So what's it gonna be. Will Joel be the one! Or will he have to stand down in the end and hope he shot himself months ago? Stay tuned.

By the way, Mr.Big played here two days ago as part of their reunion tour, and I have to say. Pretty much the greatest fucking concert I've ever attended.


"You be looking groovy, in a sixties movie. Maybe tell the press you died? Little legend baby, try your very best to hide."

later.

It's amazing how much can happen in a month.

It's also a wonder to realize how much the little things can disrupt your life indefinitely.

My holidays gave me a much needed period to sit down and just let my thoughts take it's course. Allowed me to consolidate all the memories in my head. I did the most mundane things any person would do. I watched tv, I read books, I wrote songs. I kept to myself for most part, and I liked it, even though I didn't enjoy complete solitude.

Maybe I just need that change of scenery. To get far away from the despondence of it all. To run away from my misery, and let it stand in the midst of the rain. And run. Far far away. Probably to some secret place in the neck of the woods in some obsolete area where no one can find me.

I enjoy singing the songs I love. But in a place like this, the opportunity doesn't come very often. You can't just walk down the street singing Hey Jude because people will probably think you're stupid for not being considerate to other members of the public.

It's a little difficult to believe that while I've been on this planet for such little time, I've seen enough to know that maybe I was never meant to be here in the first place. You know something's not right when you're feeling unhappy all the time. And the things you want to do, you just don't seem to be able to do it.

Doesn't it drive you crazy to come face to face with impossibility? Even if that hurdle could be crossed, you'll just end up staring the test of time in the face at the next corner. No one's willing to wait a few decades just to enjoy some sort of closure.

So what do you do? What do you do?
When you end up spending all your money on alcohol and tobacco, you know you don't have a plan.

Because really. What can you do?

"How I wish, how I wish you were here. We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl. Year after year, running over the same ground. What have we found? The same old fears. Wish you were here."

How I wish.


later.