It's been awhile since I wrote one of these. But it's long over due. My life right now is so intense that all I want to do sometimes is scream! My Grandma died almost a month ago. And even though I don't show it all the time, it is absolutely killing me on the inside. I can't believe that she is gone. She was my grandma and I was her baby. When something happens, I still want to pick up the phone and just call her. Because no matter what she always had my back, whether I was in the wrong or right, she always loved me. I still feel her love around me everyday. Even though when she was here I didn't talk to her as much as I should have. The love was always there. She knew it and so did I. So many memories that bring tears to my eyes. I have said so many times that I am thankful that I did get to do one thing to make her proud before she passed. And that's my son. He was her little man. All the love that she had was put into him. So in a sense I will always have that piece of her in him. She was beautiful and I miss her terribly. This was the start of my life spinning out of control, I "thought" I had a pretty decent grip on life. But now it's just going down the drain. I know that I'm the one that is going to have to turn it around for the better. It's just so hard because I've had to do it so many times. As most of you know my Ex is a major factor in my insanity. My family is finally starting to see the true him, of which I've known for the past two months. Yes we both have our issues. But my family should not have to deal with his. They have to love me no matter what...lol...He has been living at my house for awhile and my parents never once have heard a thank you I don't think. He's been there so long that it's kinda like he just expects things to be done for him. I may not always say thank you at the particular time that something is done for me. But I do eventually make it known that I am thankful for all that my parents do for me. I know I'm a Hard person, I'm too defensive, and I always think I'm right. It's just who I am. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. But no matter what I wouldn't trade my family for anything in the world. Even though we are so dysfunctional. That's what makes us who we are. Dusty is starting to come between me and people that I've known for almost a year and grown to love as if they were family. Granted I did start conflict between us, but like I said FAMILY. Due to all this unessecary stress, my job is suffering. I know it's not that hard. I'm not complaining about that at all. It's just my boss is a good friend of mine. We don't mix our personal life with work but when things happen I'm usually at work and I get in a bad mood. I don't want that to happen. Because I respect Liza so much. She is a true role model. A little crazy for holding down the fort with her own weight. But that's what makes her who she is. I'm having a little trouble with true friends. It seems that I'm friends with everyone but they all hate eachother. Let me tell ya that's a hard one to do. I still miss Melissa terribly. She was my partner in crime. The one that would sit next to me in jail saying Damn that sucked. She's moved on and technically so have I. But I just miss her sometimes. Don't even get me started on the boys in my life. They are something else. I refuse to have a relationship with anyone younger than me. Then I find a really cool guy that I can hang out with and talk to and feel comfortable around. And what do you know...I screwed that one up. Because I listened to gossip. He was younger than me, but he is awesome. I never felt obligated to do anything with him. And that is a major qualifying factor. But in the end, I'm left alone. And it's my fault. I don't settle very easily. It's a great quality but also a tremendous downfall. Because sadly I will probably never achieve true happiness. That's what I'm looking for. But like I said, I'm a difficult person to please. I'm done ranting now, I feel better though. Any comments are greatly appreciated. Just don't trash me on the internet.

The rules in this game of tag are simple -- once you have been tagged, you must write a blog with fifteeen weird, random things, little known facts or habits about yourself. At the end choose 15 people to be tagged, list their names and why you chose them. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you been tagged" and tell them to read your latest blog.

1. I will never be happy until I learn that I should accept that my life and who's in it will never be perfect.

2. I am a huge flirt.

3.Sometimes it hurts so bad that I can't get over my past.

4. I hate clowns.

5. I love Harry Potter.

6. My son is the most amazing person on this world. He's so full of life.

7. People that are excited about everything make me smile.

8. I wish my brother and I were closer.

9. When it comes down to it, my family is the ones who will always be around.

10. I miss Melissa terribly.

11. I am always looking for something more.

12. I love dip n dots ice cream although I don't get it much.

13. I can remember things that happend 15 years ago better than I can 15 minutes ago.

14. I want to live on a ranch.

15. I want to be able to look past people that I care about's flaws.

1.Dusty

2. Mom

3.Laura

4.Pat

5.Cory

6. Lee

7. Jessi

8.Dustin A.

9. Josh

10.Kortni

All I can think of is ten...

So here are some things that I want to do before I die...

~I want to go to New York when it's winter time, and eat some famous New York style pizza

~I want to go to Chicago and eat a hot dog

~I want to swim with Dolphins

~I want to go to Hawaii and have a beach vacation

~I want to travel to Italy with someone I love

~Take a bubble bath with someone I love

~Bungee Jump

~Have a room that is completely pink and black

~Eat Sushi~COMPLETED!!!! WITH LIZA AND DUSTIN~ 4-19-2007

~I want to know the meaning of "making love"

~I want to act in a movie

~I want to own 100 pairs of shoes and 100 purses

~I want to try gelato

~I want to see a volcano

~I want to go camping...for real~COMPLETED! 7-7-07 Liza,Dustin and Dusty! At Stockton Lake.

~I want to own a pink car

So here's my list I'm sure it will be updated periodically.

Let's start this off with dating...It's something that I haven't really ever done. When I was younger it seemed like the thing to do was umm well...doing the deed. No wine and dine before hand because guys like that are few and far between. Leaving myself a not so good position to be in. Growing up and realizing that waiting for the right thing to come along is the right decision just not the easy one. Which brings me to this person. One person who I never imagined to be who he is. The person that I was comfortable enough with to do the deed with after having a baby. That's a huge step! Coming into the situation I knew some things. Knowing who this person was and what a reputation that he had. So I reverted back into my childish mind thinking it's ok it's just going to be sex. Because he's not relationship material. Forcing myself not to think anything else of it. Well now spending time with him as a normal person and not just a goal, led me to other conclusions about this person. He is a GREAT guy. And that is just the feeling that I didn't want to have. Knowing that it is not an easy obstacle to overcome me having a baby. That is enough to scare the shit out of any man and make him run. So far he hasn't ran. It could be due to the fact that he hasn't met my son yet. Or the fact that there has never really been talk about a relationship. Seeing ex's of this person informs me that I am no where near the shape size or hair color of his type in women. So I would love to hang out with him as much as possible but I'm trying to prevent any further thoughts or feelings that would progress. Because it's hard for me to believe that any man in this day would want the package deal. But no matter what happens I trust him more than I have trusted anyone in a long time. He is someone that I am thankful that I have met. But not so sure I can't get attached. So if you have advice on that one let me know...

...So all of this has been on my mind and well it probably doesn't make sense....but atleast it's out there. If I have offended anyone....well...take that up with me personally.