I was hoping for a mention of my book... instead, it's a quote from me, that makes me sound like a bubblehead. I give you my solemn vow, I did not utter the words, "goody-two shoes no more."

But it's hard to complain about something as fun as being in a national magazine. My mom is thrilled and really, what matters more than that?

Read about Banned Books Week here:
http://blogs.ala.org/oif.php?title=top10list&more=1&c=1&tb=1&pb=1

And help minimize ignorance -- read a book from this list:
http://www.clarksvilleonline.com/2007/09/30/banned-books-have-you-read-one/

Remember: reading is sexy!

I wrote an article for Blood & Thunder that highlight my completely biased opinion on the best stuff to do in Austin. Just in case you didn't get your copy of Blood & Thunder yet, here's the text of the article so you can start planning your AWESOME Austin Derby weekend! (Links and addresses for all of my recommendations are at the bottom.)

_____________

The Rollergirls Guide To Austin
By Melissa "Melicious" Joulwan

Austin is billed as the "Live Music Capital of the World." And it's true, you can barely walk out the door without tripping over a guitar slinger. But Austin is also the birthplace of Flat Track Roller Derby—and a killer town for eating, shopping, and imbibing refreshing adult beverages. As D the B, my kickass widower, likes to say, "Austin is a great hang." Here are some recommendations for making your trip to the ATX for the Texas Shootout WFTDA Championships one you'll remember, even after last call.

Best Places to Roll Through Texas Rollergirls History

Legend has it that the idea of a Roller Derby revival took hold during a cigarette-and-whiskey-fueled night out at the Casino El Camino, Satan's cocktail lounge at the crossroads of Sixth Street and Red River. The jukebox is stocked with classic punk rock, the burgers are thick and juicy, and the clientele is street fashion chic. Within staggering distance is the Texas Rollergirls unofficial clubhouse: Beerland. What could be better than the land of beer? With its basement feel inside and sidewalk smoking lounge outside, it's like the best rec room you could ever imagine. Beerland hosts live music every night, and has supplied the beer for Texas Rollergirls bouts since day one. Be sure to introduce yourself to owners Donya and Randall, a fine pair of rabble-rousers who are deeply invested in the Austin community and know how to run a bar that's welcoming, affordable, and fun. Around the corner is Lovejoy's Tap Room, purveyors of handcrafted beers. There are usually three or four originals on tap, along with a dozen or so other quality draughts. Lovejoy's was the originator of Hotrod Honey Ale, a custom brew whose bitter-sweet flavors captured the personality of our pink-n-black team. Further along Sixth, in the midst of the bars with barkers offering $1 well drinks is a blessedly wicked oasis: The Jackalope. With multiple Rollergirls slinging drinks behind the bar and delicious bar food rolling out of the kitchen, the Jackalope is the other unofficial Texas Rollergirls clubhouse. Hang on the outdoor patio to indulge in a smoke and watch B-movies projected on the brick wall.

There are two bars that make it worthwhile to leave the heart of downtown. To the west, go to Wahoo's Fish Tacos to check out the Texas Rollergirls memorabilia wall—and enjoy Cali-Mex food that's both fresh and decadent. To the east is the Longbranch Inn, established in 1934. Today behind the bar, you'll find Kumbalah —known frequenter of mosh pits and the winner of the Texas Rollergirls 1 Fan Award—pouring with a generous hand and flirty smile.

Best Reason to Rent a Car

You might think that a plate of smoked meat can't change your life. You're wrong. A trip to the Salt Lick Barbecue, a 25-minute ride through the Hill Country to the little town of Driftwood, is a pilgrimage. And your spirit will be moved. Don't even bother to glance at the menu, just look the server in the eye and say, "We'll have family style." Tender brisket, tangy sausage, and fall-off-the-bone ribs are accompanied by ranch beans, potato salad that's a tasty sponge for soaking up the house BBQ sauce (in a pitcher on the table), and cole slaw made from the owner's secret Hawaiian family recipe. Request a side of the habanero BBQ sauce and make 'em think you're a local. Then go all touristy on their ass and ask to go behind the counter to look at the meat hanging over the smoker; take a photo to show the suckers back home. Save room for the blackberry cobbler dessert and answer the question, "Do you want that al la mode?" with a hearty yes. Warning: drive quickly and safely back to Austin; food coma sets in approximately 45 minutes after your last bite. Do not make plans for the evening.

Best Free "Only in Austin" Tourist Stop

If BBQ is the manna of the gods, then Stevie Ray Vaughan is Austin's numero uno rock deity. Legend has it that Stevie had Salt Lick BBQ flown to him when he was on tour. Load "Texas Flood" and "Pride and Joy" onto your iPod and pay your respects to the blues guitar legend at his memorial statue at Auditorium Shores on the fringe of downtown.

Best Place to Chill the F*ck Out

In other parts of the country, September is sweater weather, but in Austin, we're still swimming outdoors as Halloween approaches. One of the best places to dip your toes or take the plunge is Barton Spring Pool. Found in Zilker park—the home of the ACL Music Festival—the pool is a refreshing 68-degrees year-round and is fed 32 million gallons of water from the underground Edwards Aquifer. Entrance to the pool is $3; bring a towel and hang out on the grassy bank under a canopy of trees that have stood for centuries. Then take a 25-minute ride around the park on the Zilker Zephyr Miniature Train to enjoy the park without having to do all that annoying walking.

Best Places to Stock Up on Fishnets

Need new fishnets? A Cleopatra wig? False eyelashes? A killer little black dress for the after-party? Electric Ladyland is a massive costume shop in the heart of a cute li'l shopping district on South Congress. Racks of costumes for sale and rent are bordered by a counter stocked with all flavors of fishnets, sunglasses, and gloves, and a wall covered floor-to-ceiling in jewelry. On the east side of town, visit The Bazaar for slinky dresses, sexy hose, lingerie, and a make-up lovers paradise of powders and potions. Buy yourself a bottle of Final Seal, the secret elixir that will ensure your make-up lasts from the first whistle to last call.

Best Late Night Snacks

Austin has some great 24-hour joints if you want a full meal (Magnolia Café, Star Seeds, Kerbey Lane), but there are two can't-miss quick bite institutions: Mrs. Johnson's Donuts make Krispy Kremes seem like hockey pucks in comparison. Open overnight from 8:00 p.m. until noon, Mrs. Johnson's has been serving donuts with the ideal balance of grease and sugar since 1947. And when you wander out of the bars on Red River, follow your nose to the line of hipsters, punks, and sorority sisters waiting in line for a dose of protein from the Hot Dog King's truck. All-beef Chicago dogs, gourmet chicken, and veggie links are tucked into fluffy, soft-but-chewy Italian rolls. The countertop row of hot sauces and condiments—jalapenos, onions, sauerkraut—is tidy and the cans of soda are icy.

Best Places to Get Your Skate On

For old school rink appeal, you can't beat Playland Skate Center. It's where Flat Track Derby started, and it's got all the appropriate accoutrements: giant sparkly disco-ball roller skate, lavender acrylic floor, fog machine, overhead colored light show, and a booming sound system. Outdoors, we've got the Veloway, a 3.1-mile paved loop exclusively for cyclists and skaters. The wide, smooth path winds through a lovely park—and it's free! Keep your eyes open for road runners, blooming cactus, the occasional snake, and bunnies. Don't forget your helmet and bottled water!

Best Places For Media Consumption

Get ready to part with your paycheck at the media mecca of Sixth and Lamar. Waterloo Records is the kind of music store you'd open if you had your own: a badass mix of local music and major label stuff staffed by people who seem to really care about music. There are plenty of listening stations, a used section, and an impressive rack of music mags and books. Across the street is Bookpeople, the kind of book store you'd open if you had your own: thousands of magazines, a coffee shop, nifty Texas-y gifts, and deep inventory of books in every genre… staffed by people who seem to really care about books. Further along Lamar, visit Cheapo Discs, a cavernous used CD store where you can listen before you buy, thumb through a healthy vinyl collection, and pick up cheap used DVDs.

Best Places for Alterna-Gifts

You deserve a present! Atomic City, one of the first places in Austin to stock punk rock gear back in the day, is a little house stuffed to the rafters with retro-kitsch toys and knick-knacks, jewelry, and a shoe buffet: creepers, mary janes, patterned slip-ons, and more. Introduce yourself to Jim "Prince" Hughes, the owner and lover of "really cool stuff." For f*ck me pumps or kicky flats and rock star worthy jewelry, stop by Lucky Soles. At Monkey See Monkey Do, you'll find neato stuff you didn't realize you needed: safety tape printed with multi-colored Jesus heads, wind-up walking sushi, stacking espresso cups, and magnets and patches galore. Tesoros is loaded with beautiful, magical goods from around the world. Day of the Dead figurines, handcrafted jewelry, art books, hand-hammered tin ornaments, vintage Mexican photo cards… all at prices that make it easy to treat yourself.

Best Places to Eat (Healthy & Cheap) Near the Convention Center

You've gotta keep up your strength if you're going to survive an entire weekend of watching Flat Track Derby. And sometimes, you've just gotta eat a vegetable. Leaf tosses big salads with super-fresh ingredients and savory homemade dressings. Choose from 12 menu salads, or concoct your own from the ingredients bar. At Which Wich, you build your sandwich from a mix-and-match list of ingredients. Toasted to perfection, the bread is crispy and light; the fillings are generous and vibrant. Recommended: the Cuban! Mongolian Grille is one of the best secrets downtown. Grab a bowl and stack it with fresh-cut veggies, and slivers of beef, chicken, and pork—or cubes of soft or fried tofu—then whip up your own Asian sauce from the ingredients and recipes tacked at the counter. Hand off your masterpiece to be stir-fried on the giant grill; nibble on complimentary peanuts while you wait.

Best Place to Cure Your Coif

Go for the glam at Electra Beauty Lounge, a salon that treats you like rock royalty. Owner Jene and her staff are expert colorists, cutters, and waxers—and the shop is bright and feminine, with stilettos and Docs equally welcome. Bonus: the salon is located in a shopping pod that includes a coffee shop, taco joint, and tattoo shop. Don't miss the art in the back courtyard.

Once you've explored these recommendations, be sure to pick up a copy of the Austin Chronicle, our free weekly rag, that lists all the current goings-on goin' down.

Atomic City: 1700 San Antonio St.; www.myspace.com/atomiccityaustin

Barton Springs Pool: 2101 Barton Springs Road (in Zilker Park); www.ci.austin.tx.us/parks/bartonsprings.htm

The Bazaar: 1605 E. Riverside Dr.; www.insiderpages.com/b/3721912834

Beerland: 711.5 Red River St.; www.beerlandtexas.com

Bookpeople: 603 N. Lamar; www.bookpeople.com

Casino El Camino: 517 E. 6th St.; www.casinoelcamino.net

Cheapo Discs: 914 N. Lamar St.; www. cheapotexax.com

Congress Avenue Bridge Bats: Congress Avenue Bridge; www.batcon.org/home/index.asp?idPage=122

Electra Beauty Lounge: 2310 S. Lamar Blvd.; www.myspace.com/electrabeautylounge

Hot Dog King: Parking lot at the corner of Red River St. & 7th St.

Jackalope: 404 E. 6th St.; www.jackalopeaustin.com

Jo's Coffee: 242 W. 2nd St. and 1300 S. Congress Ave.; www.joscoffee.com

Kerbey Lane Café: 2700 S. Lamar; www.kerbeylanecafe.com

Leaf: 419 W. 2nd St.; www.leafsalad.com

Longbranch Inn: 1133 E. 11th St.; www.eastinns.com

Lovejoy's Tap Room: 604 Neches St.; www.myspace.com/lovejoys

Lucky Soles: 202 Colorado St.; www.myspace.com/luckysoles

Lucy in Disguise: 1506 S. Congress Ave.; www.lucyindisguise.com

Magnolia Café: 1920 S. Congress Ave.; www.cafemagnolia.com

Mongolian Grille: 117 San Jacinto (@ 2nd St.); www.mongoliangrille.com

Monkey See Monkey Do: 1712 S. Congress St.; www.myspace.com/msmd

Mrs. Johnson's Doughnuts: 4909 Airport Blvd; www.mjbakery.com

Playland Skate Center: 8822 McCann Blvd.; www.playlandskatecenter.com

Salt Lick Barbecue: 18001 FM 1826, Driftwood; www.saltlickbbq.com

Star Seeds: 3101 N. IH 35 (frontage road @ 31st); www.starseedscafe.com

Stevie Ray Vaughan Statue: Riverside Drive & S. 1st St., on the south side of Town Lake

Tesoros: 209 Congress Ave.; www.tesoros.com

Veloway: 4801 La Crosse Ave. (near the Lady Bird Johnson Wildflower Center); www.austinexperience.com/outdoors/spotlight/veloway/veloway.html

Wahoo's Fish Taco: 509-A Rio Grande St; www.wahoos.com

Waterloo Records: 600A N. Lamar St.; www.waterloorecords.com

Which Wich: 259 W. 3rd St.; www.whichwich.com

Austin Fit Magazine recently sponsored a competition to find the Top 10 Fittest athletes in town -- and the Texas Rollergirls own Bloody Mary (aka, Juliana Gonzales) made the list.

From the magazine:
"Here at Austin Fit Magazine we spend a lot of time thinking about the word 'fit.' What does it mean exactly? Does it refer to physical prowess, agility and speed? Does it require a certain number of hours on the treadmill or bike every week? What does it take to be truly fit? This year's selection of 10 of Austin's Fittest all embody what we believe to be the true definition of the word "fit." Nominated by members of the Austin community, the qualifications asked that nominees be committed not only to their own personal health and fitness, but dedicated to helping others achieve a more active lifestyle as well."

Check it out online at http://www.austinfitmagazine.com.

And if any of y'all want to take on Bloody Mary, I hear you can often find her running 'round the streets of Austin and skating like a demon at speed class. She's also a member of our Texas Rollergirls Texecutioners team, which means she'll being going helmet-to-helmet with all comers at the WFTDA National Championship in Austin on September 29 & 30. Good luck keepin' up with her!

This is a HUGE accomplishment -- not just for Bloody Mary personally, but for our sport. Kudos to Austin Fit for recognizing that athleticism and fishnet stockings are not mutually exclusive.

I've got a link for you to add to your Derby bookmarks: ViaDerby, a new content/commerce site that is "committed to strengthening roller derby leagues, growing the sport internationally and supporting the roller derby communities."

Via Derby was started by Estro Jen (Angel City Derby Girls) and a few of her trouble-makin' cohorts. It's got a pretty graphic design, and the makings of some deep content:

Bootique: to indulget your shopping lust
iDIYa: fun DIY crafts projects to keep you occupied in those few hours you're not on the track
Wall of Pain: a photo gallery of bruises, wounds, and tattoos
Inside Line: a quick Derby 101 to help rookies get started

There's also an interviews section called Wreckognize which right now features an interview with... ahem... ME!

In addition to a welcoming "we're all in this together" tone in the editorial, the site also puts its money where its big Derby mouth is. Via is committed to raising cash for Derby-good causes, and will donate a portion of its proceeds to three organizations:

Junior Flat Track Derby Association: focused on helping girls ages 10 through 17 learn our sport
Broke Bitches: a fundraiser for skaters that are in need of cash to pay their deductibles for injuries incurred during game play
Roll Trip: a fund being raised for a group of roller derby skaters from all across the USA to go to another country and either start or help a struggling league overseas

Visit ViaDerby and learn more about their mission on their super-cute About page.

May I recommend Jane Eyre to start?

DailyLit will send tasty digital snacks of public domain books to you. You can specify segments every day, just weekdays, or M/W/F via email or RSS. Neat, right? Each installment should take about 5 minutes to read. Surely you can fit that in between watching this on YouTube and getting snarky with GoFugYourself (but let's be real... how totally awesome is Steve Perry in that photo?!).

I just signed up for The Moonstone, a book about which I know nothing except that it was written by Wilkie Collins, the author of The Woman In White, which is considered one of the first mystery novels in the history of literature. If you haven't read it, check it out! The mystery is unraveled through the accounts of multiple characters. Each character moves the story along and provides his or her own perspective of the events. It's spooky and offers insight into the social mores of the mid-1800s in England, which were racier and more filled with treachery than you might think.

Anyway, back to DailyLit. You can search for titles by author, book title, or -- my favorite -- category. Adventure! Romance! Mystery! Feeling a yearning for Shakespeare? They've got it. Or how 'bout a crime thriller from Joseph
Conrad.

And, yes... there's always Jane Eyre.

The best book ever. Ever.

Ever.

Last summer, Tomcat and I were cast as extras in an independent film called Kabluey. The cast includes Lisa Kudrow, Christine Taylor, Teri Garr, and Chris Parnell -- and the filmmaker Scott Prendergast wrote, directed, and starred in the movie.

Tomcat and I were "angry punk rock roommates" who scare the bejeezus out of Scott's character as he cowers behind a box of Froot Loops on the couch, wearing just his underwear. (See the photo here; yay! that's my hip in black on the left.) My primary job was to scowl and squint, which I think I pulled off beautifully. Judge for yourself -- I've got a blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment in the trailer.

The film is premiering at the LA Film Festival this weekend, and the trailer is on YouTube. Check it out!

Hey, y'all!

If you read Rollergirl: Totally True Tales From The Track, and you liked it, maybe you can help me out.

It's time for the Austin Chronicle's "Best of Austin" -- and there's a category for LOCAL AUTHOR/POET. I would be eternally grateful if you'd type my name in the appropriate space. Oh, yeah... the name my mama gave me: Melissa Joulwan

Best of Austin 2007

Love & bruises,
Melicious

My better half -- D the B -- has a new band called St. Joe's Choir. He writes the songs, plays rhythm guitar, and sings like an angel that stayed up all night drinkin' whiskey. I'm on keys and vocals, along with our pals Brandon on bass, Dena on drums, and Dan on screamin' lead guitar.

Can you make us your friend?
http://www.myspace.com/stjoeschoir

Be sure to check out our blog and take the Seven Deadly Sins quiz.

And save the date: our first show is Tuesday, June 19 @ the Carousel Lounge.

I've got some new pieces o' writing in circulation!

Austin Music Magazine is a glossy, free pub that showcases Austin's badass music and nightlife. I wrote a few short pieces for the May/June issue:
- a profile of the darkly entertaining Mr. Lewis & the Funeral 5
- a profile of Austin's historic Scoot Inn
- a review of Murder & the Art of Dance, the debut CD from Mr. Lewis and the Funeral 5 (Chicken Ranch Records)

You can download a free PDF of the new issue right here -- or pick up a free copy around Austin. And you can get the Mr. Lewis & the Funeral 5 CD at iTunes.