I've been away.  Most of you did not notice.
It is ok. I suck

This blog was invented to keep myself from exploding, keep my mind focused and keep me sane.  I used it for that purpose, felt too much pressure to be funny all the fucking time and was going to quit.  I decided against that, kept the site up, ignored it, felt guilty, wrote once in a while, ignored it again, and now I want to say some things about shitty parents.  I know most of my blogs are about shitty parents, and there is a reason for that.

Parents: Do not be fucking shitty.
There are laws in some states for parents who feel too much pressure, who know they will suck, can take the newborn child to the nearest police station, fire station, or hospital and walk away, with no laws broken and fade into the night.

Some may say this is bullshit, that those parents should go to jail.  I say no.  I applaud those laws because the world would be much better if more shitty fucking parents simply went away. 

Fuck you.
I know I am prone to hyperbole but all this is true:

1.  I know of parents who left children unattended in the middle of the night.
2.  I know of parents who called up excited children and did their best to shit on their joy.
3.  I know of parents who sleep all day when the kids are home and stay up all day when the kids are gone.
4.  I know of parents who call their children liars when in fact, they are the big fucking liars.

Fuck you all.



I know of parents who stop everything for a stubbed toe.  I know parents who play catch all night even when they have work to do.  I know parents who deserve awards for being incredible, but they ask for nothing.  I know parents who refuse to lie to their children.  I know parents who love their kids without condition.  I know parents who remind their kids every day how awesome they are. 

Thank you all, thank you all very much.

Do NOT:
put your kid on a leash
call your kid a liar unless the kid is ACTUALLY lying
put your own needs above theirs
they need you, they need your time, your attention your love.  Do NOT buy a fucking motorcycle when your daughter needs pants
Fuck

Fuck.
1.   If you volunteer to coach a team for children and the child's parents PAY to play, they all get to play regardless of the fucking score.

2.  If your team is losing, do NOT allow your child's classmates to jeer the other team.  Do NOT let your daughter say to a team mate "break her arm." 

3.  Do NOT yell at the referees.  I do not care if they suck, call the game to closely or call the game too loosely.  If you can do a better job, volunteer to do it. If you want to bitch about them to loved ones, that is fine. 

4.  Coaches, do not dress down players in public.  Do not clap your hands angrily.  Do encourage, do be stern and do set a good example.

5.  This has nothing to do with any of it, but why are so many parents of athletes obese? I am not talking about chunky; I mean big fat fuckers who rest their folded arms on their fat guts (or rolls of fat around said gut area).  I sat across the Gym from a whole set of fat bastards who were so big they could not cross their legs so I they sat with their legs spread, balls forward wearing those sweatpants that look like jeans.  Puke, well maybe it does have something to do with it.  Don't set such a bad example for your kids.

It fucking sucks.

Flutie

........

I am a dick. Odds are, you know a guy
who is a dick and I have to say to all the fucking dicks out there,
stop fucking it up for the rest of us.

I enjoy being a dick when someone is
being a total fuck head, I can put someone in his or her place. When
a students says “what did we do last week I was not here, I knew I
wouldn't be here but I didn't call or email” I say. “nothing
because you were not here.” I walk away and leave that student
pissed thinking “that guy is such a dick.” I just said it last
week. Why? I am a dick. I am a dick when the person in question is
deserving of dickish behavior.

But you fucking dicks, you dicks who
are dicks for the sake of being dicks, fucking suck. You run the
risk of making dick lose all meaning (kind of like I am doing right
now).

So, to keep the world safe for us who
want to be dicks I have rules for you fucking dicks:

1. You only get to be a dick when
   provoked. Being a Dick is a reaction not an action. When you are
   trying to be nice to your kids friends parents because you don't
   suck, but that parent tells you that you are shitty because you shop
   at goodwill, dick it up. (Say “wow, it must be awesome how you
   heat your home with burning money. I use the standard natural gas,
   what was I thinking”) Walking up to your kids friends parents and
   telling them they are shitty parents because they shop at good will,
   is a fucking dick move.
   
   

2. Being a dick is a privilege not a
   right. Have balls or having a uterus does not make you a fit
   parent. Just because I can make pancakes, does not mean I get to
   open Flutie's house of Pancakes. Because you drink and drive, does
   not mean you should. See where I am going?
   
   

3. For those of you who read my book
   (and seriously if you have not, what is your damage?) you will not
   be surprised to hear that you people who lie are giant fucking
   dicks. You should stop it because when we just want to dick around
   and be funny and make shit up, we can't because the world is so
   fucking jaded by your fucking dickheaded lying that our jokes or
   stories are equated to your lies. Thanks again for fucking that up.
   

Pass this on to your friends and
family. Remember only you can stop fucking dickheads.

........

My daughter said to me that this inauguration is going to be historical. I agreed with her (she is nine and easy to agree with except when she wants chicken on the bone, then we have a problem as I am a vegetarian and she is a meat eater) but reminded her they all have been pretty historical. I would put this up there with Cleavland's second I told her. Her eye twinkled at me because she knew I said something about that guy before but she just couldn't put her finger on what stupid information I was harboring in the recesses of my grey matter. I reminded her he was the only guy to be elected twice in non-consecutive terms so really Barry O was going to be the 43^rd POTUS not the 44^th and she didn't care.

And you don't care either. But I do. I care because when JFK got elected he was the first Catholic and when Carter was elected he was the first peanut farmer and John Quincy Adams was President who was the son of a former president and he was also the first president to lose the popular vote and still win. I care because GWB and JQA have almost the same resume (Adams lost the second time to Andrew Jackson, Why? Because he was not a giant Douche bag like John Kerry, duh). I care because tomorrow is the day that GWB leaves office. This is his last night as President and I could not be happier that he is leaving.

When the planes crashed down, I said “why is everyone standing behind that guy, he was in charge when the bad shit went down.” I was a traitor, but in hindsight, I didn't suck. When he went to war with Iraq I said “bad, bad idea.” I was “wrong” but turns out I didn't suck.

I did not have a blog at the time, nor did I have a book. I was writing the book and if you go to amazon.com and buy it you can read my thoughts about the war in Iraq and MLK day and all holidays, and you can laugh or hate me and write me a letter telling me how funny and/or what a dick I am. I accept both kinds of letters.

Have a good last night Mr. President, try not to break too much shit on your way out of the white house, because you surely have broken enough shit on your way out of the Presidency.

Anyway, the reason I am writing today is that tomorrow will be the day that POTUS 44 (43) will take office and he has no time to dick around so I thought I would give him some advice on how not to suck as President. Yeah I know, I'm a teacher not a political leader so where do I get off telling our newly elected leader anything? Well, I pay his fucking salary and so do you, so here you go...

1. Mr. President, tell the fucking truth. You can not pay for all the shit you said you could do, you knew that up front. Come clean. We are a nation that loves a good apology. If you could do it while holding Joe Biden's hand that would be good. No wait, that is only if you are seeing other vice-Presidents. Forget that last part, but really use your You Tube videos to tell the fucking truth. You can't fix everything. You know it. Stop pretending that you can. You do not write laws, congress does. Do you know how many people think you will wave your magic wand and make things better? Holy shit man, what were you thinking? Can you find a way to clear that shit up?

2. Mr. President, Don't fuck around on your wife.

3. Mr. President, I already think you are a bad father. Anyone who runs for President with children who are under 13 are shitty parents. Welcome to the club, do fucking better before you tell everyone else how to be.

4. Finally, Mr. President, be a pragmatist not an idealist. I can be an idealist, I am a teacher. You are the leader of the country, be pragmatic. Do what needs to be done, regardless of your next term. Do not spend the next four years trying to get four more years. That stops things from getting done and it fucking sucks. You have spent your whole life  trying to get here. You have arrived. You will get a coin, you will get movies made about you. You are a fucking rock star, now, do not suck and do your job.
   

Hello Mr. President, Good bye Mr. President.

Flutie

 

Now that my favorite holiday is here, we can look back to the year that sucked and figure out why we did such a shitty job (or great job depending on how you did, but I am going to simply assume, you like me, did a shitty job of not sucking) at not sucking.

1. This was an election year so you either, voted for the winner, voted for one of the losers, or didn't vote at all. I have problems with with winner. I think he is one promise away from declaring longer recess and no more green beans at lunch, but voting for him did not make you suck, not voting at all made you suck. You didn't vote because you were racist, you are lazy, or you are dumb. If you are racist, fuck you. Dislike the guy for a reason, I have many that I am ready to share. If you are lazy, remember people all around the world die for the rights we have, don't be a giant douche bag. If you are dumb, I have nothing but pity for you, but seriously read a book, read the newspaper, read something. Wait, if you are dumb, you are not reading this, never mind dear reader.

2. You didn't live up to last years resolution. That is OK, you won't this year either, just quit making them.

3. You were shitty to people. Honestly you don't suck for this unless you are a dick head or a giant bitch face. If you are shitty to people who deserve it (the dick head or the bitch face for example)good job. If you are the dick head or the bitch face, fuck you. You may be asking "Flutie, how can I know if I am the Dick head or the Bitch face?" Well here are some clues.

   1. If you have children or step children and you are not nice to them, you are a Dick head or a bitch face. There are two solutions, pay attention and be nice, or go the fuck away. There is no middle ground here.

   2. If you are petty. Now if you are Tom Petty that is different, I don't know enough about you to know if you are petty, but seriously, Tom if you reading this, I really like your stuff. If you are simple, and petty and jealous, you are a dick head or a Bitch Face. If you deliberately did something you knew would hurt someone else, if you put more energy into bugging someone than it takes to ignore that person, you are a Dickhead or a Bitch Face. The solution, punch your self in the face twenty times. If you are still feeling small and petty, repeat until you are asleep.

   3. Your friends think you are a nice person, but you secretly hate them. This makes you a giant Bitch face or Dick head because instead of not having many friends you pretend to be something you are not so people like you. You hate the people you are around, but you would rather be liked by them, than like them yourself (or like yourself for that matter). You are a fucking piece of shit if you do this. Be honest and have fewer, and better friends.

I am sure the rest of you (Us) sucked for other reasons. Just like any other addict, the first step is admitting you have a problem.

Hi everyone, I'm Flutie, I suck …

Hi Flutie.

Now you try.

  You may have just come from a party full of people you know. Generally that is how parties work right? There are people you know there and they know you, but really do they know you? Do you really know them? I mean, you know them, but do you know them know them and do they know you know you? (use the English to sixth grade girl translation on the use of the repeated words there and that makes perfect sense).

Really the question should be, do you give a fuck if they know you and do you really want to know them? I know the answer, oh oh, call on me. The answer is this, if you came in the car with one or more people at the party, those people have the best chance to know you. The more recently you sent an email (a real email, one that has a subject line you typed in yourself and that subject line has meaning to the person who gets it) or had a phone conversation (one where you called the person because you wanted to not because you had to) with a person at the party, the more likely you are to know that person and for he or she to know you. If you delete all forwards from a person without reading it and/or only speak to that person on the phone because you get paid to do so, you don't know that person and he or she doesn't know you.

Yes I know there are exceptions to these rules, but there are always exceptions, but I needed some (deity) damned rules so these will do.

Now, what is the point? Well, the point is quite simple, the majority of the people at that party suck, sucked and will suck into the future, but because you don't know them, nor do you want to, and they don't know you, nor do you want them to know you, there is a good chance that you will get stuck having a conversation with someone you will want to stab with a fork. So, I have made some broad generalizations about people (big shock) that I will share with you so you can find a way to avoid these soul suckers in the future (and save you from getting a new fork).

The guy who starts a conversation with the phrase "hey bud..." is not your bud. He is not your friend, you don't know him. Suggestion: cough a lot with an uncovered mouth in his direction. He will move on.

The woman who gets your kids' names wrong usually has kids herself. When she starts telling you how (insert the most commonly mispronounced version of your child's name here) is so big reply by saying "I see your son is well on his way to earning those prison stripes you were hoping for." This should stop any and all problems with her.

The person who wants to talk to you about work because her or she works with you or because the only thing the person knows about you is what you do tell that person you are either joining the peace corps or that you brought a desert with laxatives in it, just don't say which one but hint that best part is, the laxative mixes well with chocolate. Conversation over, you can move on.

The best advice I can give you is to treat all social functions like high school. Find a clique and stick with them. Usually these are the above mentioned people who actually know you. Smile and wave from across the room at everyone else and if anyone comes your way, head for the bathroom. It will suck much less. Promise.

Your pal,

Flutie

Well dear readers, I finally came to my senses and became a quitter.  My head feels like rotten Bananas and I have a hard time typing.  Even writing this feels like a milestone.  I push the keys down hard like Sean Connery says to in Finding Forrester not because I look for inspiration, but because I am looking for the keys that have been burned in my brain since third grade.  Simple things are not very easy.  For 15 years I made this choice to stink and waste money.  I have a pile of clothes that need to be dry cleaned, and did I mention my head?  Squishy is the word I keep using.  I am not cranky (nor more cranky than normal anyway).  I think Cranky is an excuse quitters use to keep smoking.  I will not get fat, I will not blame anyone for this but myself. 

Here is how it went down:
I was at my sweetie's house, it was Sunday morning.  We ate breakfast and like all smokers, I had the urge to go out and smoke right after I ate.  I knew from the night before that I only had one left.  As I stood there smoking it, I realized, I sucked.

I have, I will, and there you go.

I know this is not funny, but it feels like I needed to shout it out to the world.  So I have.
Thanks for listening,
Flutie

Now it is over, you have voted, or you are going to.  Really the only choice now is how to deal with the bullshit that the new administration brings with it.  POTUS 44 will surely suck either way.  What do you do?  Duh, you go to Amazon and you get my book, and then you read it, then you figure out how to do better next time. 

Award winning author Susan Diplaccido said:

This book is wonderful satire, but also so much more. It's hilarious, definitely. But the advice is great. It really will help people to suck much less. If only everyone was issued a copy when they take their driver's test, the world would be a better place.

So think of this.  You don't have to suck anymore, the world does not have to suck any more.  Stop the madness.  Regardless of who wins today, he will suck.  If you get the book today, you will not.

http://www.amazon.com/How-not-suck-WB-Flutie/dp/1435749170/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225772717&sr=1-1