dear

is it true what they say? that there are oases in the desert? and mirages?

i wonder if you would recognize me now, as i crush garlic with a wooden pestle and seed lemons with my teeth. or when i break chocolate into a pan of hot milk and mix it with watered down espresso. or when i lean over my terrace into the sunlight and find a dead pigeon below.

i'm convinced that my hair has stopped growing. do you remember when i'd ask you everyday if it'd grown longer? i wanted to be like eve.

do you remember the night we met when you told me that indeed heaven is on earth? and it confirmed all my fears that life is really happening, and that i'm not, in fact, dreaming.

my life has two parts. before you and after you. when glaciers split in two, the formed fracture is called a crevasse. and at the bottom of that crevasse is where we first met.

This weekend I went to the southeastern coast where the water was an unblushing blue and the stones were eggshell smooth and all shades of blue, purple, cream, rose, green, where we looked out at the reef of the sirens and I imagined sailors with aching limbs and gritting teeth smashing their lanterns against those rocks, where I wondered about the nature of love and volcanic rock, where I leaned in too close to a man who told me once that I am a romantic and that the last asylum for romantics is France.

I love this song.

As my departure from the U.S. draws nearer (hours away!), I've been reflecting on the beautiful people in my life, who I've met in Portland over the past 6 years. I thought I'd write a thank you list for my friends...

THANK YOU

My Portland Family: Anju Didi and Stephen Jiju, Anne Parker, Emily Katz, Seth Blowers, Christopher Ramos, Christine Meincke, and Kristin Lane
... for hosting my birthday and going-away parties, insisting on whisking me away in your vehicle on cold, rainy days, talking about love and life's many meanings, falling in love and staying there, sleeping in our underwear platonically and a shared love of music and hot sauce, gems, talking birds, and dream-telling, giving me soup when I was sick and wintered. My heart. You are my family. It's hard for me to put into words my appreciation and love for you.

Aaron Quaempts for spinning old-school hip hop records and looking like a koala
Abe Fattah for the Dot and the Line magic, photobooth charisma,  veggie burgers, mix-match-love, and Carl Sagan
Alana Jevert for everything teacher-related, maps of Europe, summer lunches,.karaoke
Alyssa Van Pelt for the tiny dinosaur and flattering me on New Year's Eve on the balcony of Powell's
Amber Rowland for the "Slow Jams" mix and big laugh and letting me cry on her shoulder almost 2 years ago at the Fez
Ameena Lacey for being the long-lost middle sister and producing beautiful Audrey
Amelia for forthrightness, New Yorkness, beautiful voice, and the little smoking man from Germany
Amy Wright for being my half-Asian sister, colleague, inspirer, activist, roadtrip companion, and lover of metal
Ana Osita for bike rides going the wrong the direction, seeing each other too infrequently, really wish we'd hung out more (hand-deliver my shoe to Spain, girl!)
Andy Parker for helping me move and overall enthusiasm and "Girl Talk"
Anne "Grey" oh, love of breakfasts, honest song-writing, stimulator of intellect, eyebrow-expresser, strong lady
Baby D "Bobby Dangerous" for reading the interview with Borges outside of Dub Narcotic Studios on Olympia, woodwind brethren, keeping it real, always fascinating, rich soil want to put my fingers in
Emily Baker for being so BOLD and BRIGHT, mama wolf, fullness, empathy, the funniest person on Gay Street (and probably in all of North Portland), list goes on in my heart
Becky "Saw Whet" for singing Salt'n'Pepa on the ride to Canada, singing the slow jams at my birthday party, having hands like mine, the most beautiful songs that give me goosebumps
Ben Meyerchord for having a sing-along verse in his song, lyrics included, giving me a ride home from Valentine's, hopefully will play a show together one day
Betsy Schubert for recommending "Will you still love me if I wet the bed?" and indulging in children's picturebooks with me
Blaine Peters for the shared love of Russian poetry, telling me love stories of walking around icy Russian cities, being so sweet
Brett "Buckets of Rain" for playing music loudly above Seth's apartment 5 years ago (otherwise we might not have met!), playing guitar in Seth's kitchen, weaving in and out of my life through the years, hopefully will always be this way
Brian Auker for making me "Crystal Dawn Albiar" for one year (which in a series of events changed the course of my next 5 years in Portland), street art, curiosity, pop culture know-how
Brisa for wise lady days, liveliness, knowing how to keep solitude (a part of me I've been trying to honor, but don't always allow myself)
Carissa Wodehouse for sharing hours, tapas, and Michael's bed in SF, these were good times
Carlos (now of SF) for seeing the Black Heart Procession together in 2002, ever-evolving, ever-lovely
Carmen at Powell's for being an inspiring and wise lady who I look up to immensely, for being a wonderful storyteller, and a having a generous and fiery heart
Chelsea "Dirty Mittens" for giving me that ride home from downtown last fall, inviting me to play sax with DM, looking fine in those high heels
Eliot Rose for hosting great get-togethers, pep talks about music and love, magic, intellect, wild dance moves
Erin Crowell for wowing me with wow, gardens, wow, stories of islands, wow, quince paste and manchego, hope to get to know each other deeper
Helmy for running into each other everywhere, being so cute, we wonder about the perplexities of real love
Jaime Ginesky for being the cutest dancer in PDX, sending me on my way to Spain with a bottle of wine, contacts in Barcelona, cafes and bars to visit, routes to take, come visit me, girl!!
Jason Chan for giving me Tsvetaeva, aches and pains, a reason to visit Powell's, Sunday pie dates, we (I hope) will be life-long friends
Jason Levins for "Love is unfinished business" in various establishments around Portland, swapping books (hey - I still have your Henry Miller - sorry)
Jen (of Ohio or Kentucky?) for lovely music-making, wish we could have collaborated while you were in town
Jeremy Garber for holding my arm in the dark, the most eloquent writer of letters, skeptic of civilization, two ships passing in the dark, New Year's Eve 2006.....
Jonathan Hill for being such a dear friend, eating crepes, heart-to-hearts, being the balance of sentiment and tough
Julia for co-inhabiting Manya's house for too short-lived a time, being sun-like
Kailie of Random Order, "Talk Here, Asshole" and "Danielle Galucki" for S's Sadstyle, being so damn cute, writing 40-second songs about love and intestines, famous pies, soft-lit eyes
Kat for long talks in the kitchen about Shakespeare, poetry, acting, life, for letting me know about the crows, oh, you're so great
Karen Margolis for being my soul-sista throughout the GTEP, always speaking your mind, the Beats, our lovely tangential oral autobiographies drinking liquor in the tea shop when we should be talking the Islamic Revolution, oh, what an amazing teacher you will be (but already are!)!
Kate Sweet Kate Vancouver for magic in many incarnations, for pours of heart over breakfast, lunch, and dinner, for showing my new routes on bicycle rides, for your love and believing in mine, i promise packages this time
Kyle Gilmore for eating celery and helping me move years ago and getting mad at me sometimes, but never for too long
Lauren Souther for expressiveness, having most beautiful olive skin, crossing paths again at just the right time, letting me sleep in your bed while you were gone, confidante, it's so easy to get caught up in your charm
Manya Wubbold for being one of my favorite ladies in all of Portland, being a daring cooker (the food is always delicious), letting me sit your kitties and plants this year, giving me warm clothes and warm air when I'm cold, and, of course, HOT COCOA!! drink cocoa with me in spain!
Michael Plump (now of SF) for unremitting hospitality, running all around SF and to the Spanish consulate with me, being like a puppy, that damned leather vest
Mikah Sykes for being a wonderful music-maker, guitars on the front porch overlooking downtown Portland, I'm so happy to see so much light in your eyes! It's called love. Contact me when you go on Europe tour!
Morgan Violin for talking Tasmanian Devils, being such a fantastic roommate and carer of cats and house, spontaneous late night bike rides to dance parties (only once?), singing through the violin, showing how much you enjoy food (watching you eat is sometimes as pleasurable as eating itself), you are SO great, be in touch!
Natalie for always being willing to engage in the deeper conversations of life (where are we going? how do we wish to live these lives?), hope to get to know each other more fully in the future, lovely lady
Nathan Powell's for a handful of chess matches last fall, enthusiasm for poetry, philosophy, and picture books, challenging me intellectually in ways few have, confirming my belief that not wearing one's glasses is like living in a different, perhaps softer world
Nicole Ladies Brigade for being so sweet and letting us borrow your drums for recording!
Noah Dirty Mittens for kitten stories and a good day at the river
Pinski for being my piscean soul-brother, passionate, nurturing, Canada, summer 2007, magic, one of my favorite people
Rachel Demy for years ago dinners and song-playing, book-talking, being so bright and loving, let me know if you are in Spain at all!
Rasheeda for making beautiful music, being a beautiful new mother, sitting together on nick's porch last summer, you are a potent lady
Sally Rodgers for weekly meetings to discuss Wallace Stevens, William Wordsworth, Seamus Heaney, and our lives, sharing snacks with me, best of luck to you in your endeavors! Be in touch!
Samantha Schneider for being artful, brutally honest, and full of vitality, good luck with teaching this year, lady! You'll do great!
Santi Holley for marrying me in the donut shop, playing music with me once upon a time, Thanksgiving (or was it Christmas?) dinner, being a dear, dear friend, I love you!
Sarah Ruth Maui for chats over the coffee counter at Extracto, brief but sweet, being honey-like
Sarah Wheeler for being so awesome with teacher connections and advice, I hope to work with people like you one day, ones who can be my friends
Seth Neefus for running into me at the Tube 2 1/2 years ago, our shared heritage, inspiring a song out of me, you're my red-haired brother!
Stephen "Banjo" Kierniesky for playing almost every instrument on Golden Lights, giving me a place to sleep before leaving, holding onto my instruments and bicycle, the whimsical Painted Hills adventure, your support and optimism, giving me a lecture on tequila a year and a half ago, trying out your "I can't stay over because I have to go home to make biscuits" excuse on me, "Well, there you go." But what's the point?
Teal Marie Kennedy for coffee inside the Ace, full of quiet and fire, incredible art, sharing the piscean sentiment
Tim Santos for taking my loveseat, being my little brother, so enthusiastic, you will do great things!
Timothy Cooke for being adopted into the Parker family, taking care of my best friend, playing a mean accordion
Waypost Michael for re-emerging out of the silt of time to open my favorite neighborhood coffee shop in Portland, for such sweetness, good music taste, and letting me play in your cafe
Whitney for being a beautifully mad scientist, showing me strange machines that are wowing, being such a sweet roommate and perfect complement for Kat
Willoughby for the mango, sharing a few delicious meals, your fire, giving my heart jumps when I didn't think it could anymore
Wynde Dyer for most of my time in Portland knowing you, so admiring of your teaching and daring to pursue academia, such strength you have, best of luck to you, dear




And so many other amazing, wonderful people. The list goes on. Also, I would like to thank the GTEP cohort for being so great, as well as the fine people of Powell's Bookstore. I love you, Powell's people.

I do not feel an affinity for the desert. But I respect it.

From September to June, I will be living in the driest place in Europe, not far from the coast.

I will be living in a small village called Albox.

I say, Give me your almond trees, orange groves, and clear, desert nights!

Pathways

Understand, I'll slip quietly
away from the noisy crowd
when I see the pale
stars rising, blooming, over the oaks.

I'll pursue solitary pathways
through the pale twilit meadows,
with only this one dream:
You come too.

Rainer Maria Rilke