I wish things could be good enough, just once... I wish my family could support me. I feel so unbelievably alone right now. Perhaps my decision to leave Katie is the reason, but if that is the case, Perhaps they should know that part of the reason I left was because I didn't feel loved. I felt like I wasn't wanted, like she never wanted to touch me even. I've been doing things for everyone else for so long, its a foreign thing to do something for myself, but apparently that makes me a selfish person.

I love Bruce, he makes me happy, he listens to me, and he pushes me to better myself, not for him, but for me. He wants ME to be happy. We have the same dreams and desires. Just because I left Katie doesn't make it so that my ideas of a wedding changed, it doesn't change my dreams, my aspirations. There are a lot of rumors going around, and a lot of people who may not think very highly of me right now, but that is those peoples choice.

I love my family, but right now, its hard to see whether they love me or not. It hurts when you walk into a room hearing the last two sisters who you thought you could trust talking about what a horrible person you are. It hurts when you hear that one of your sisters is telling your boyfriend that all you ever do is cause problems, bring drama home, and if he can't get used to it he should simply leave you now. It hurts having your siblings turn their backs on you.

Nothing I ever do is good enough, or at least thats how my family makes me think they feel. I've been doing everything I can, and it never seems to be enough. I wish I could fix everything, but I don't think it's going to happen, I wish I knew where the drama was coming from, I wish I knew how to make the fighting stop, how to make everyone happy, but I can't. I'm going to start living life for me. People say I'm easily controlled and manipulated... Maybe, but if so, why have you not been able to sway my opinions?

I'm going to go lay down, I really don't care who reads this, or who responds. I needed to get it out of my head at least.

So, a lot has been going on... most of which Katie covers when she posts, so I've not really felt the need to post. Though I think I need to get some things out.

Yes, Katie and me are going to try a trial separation, Which means I'm moving to Ohio for a while. I need to distance myself from things. I need some time to find myself again. There are a lot of factors to this, but I do love her very much still. I need to find out where my dreams and desires are. I need to find out if I'm going to be alright spending the rest of my life with a woman.

I could never ask her to change who she is. I love her for being who she is. I just need to make sure I can be happy too. Sometimes when you start taking something for granted, its a good thing to step away for a while. To put things back into perspective. I'm going to leave my cell phone number as it is. so everyone can still get a hold of me. And I have unlimited minutes after 7 and on weekends. I understand people aren't going to be able to visit. I'm going to make a very hard effort at visiting people though.

Yes, looking back at sugoicon, I allowed some things to happen that probably shouldn't have. I'm aware of that, but on the other hand. They allowed me and Katie to talk, and see some things that had been going on a while.

Katie hasn't done anything wrong, She was just being herself. Which is what I wanted. I don't want her to blame herself. It seems that everyone involved is blaming themselves. When really, It was me, and my not talking, my not expressing how I feel, and not knowing how to say whats wrong, maybe I've not known myself entirely, I can never seem to be able to find the words I want.

I will stay in contact with everyone, I'll have my computer, and my cell phone. This isn't the end of the relationship with Katie. I want to believe that. I think we've been so close for the last 5 years, that we've lost sight of who we really are. So we need to separate to find that once again.

I can't think of much else to type.. maybe I'll edit later... but for now, that is all...

How is it that some people call me strong? How is it that some people think I am a leader? I don't think I am either of those things. How can I be? I feel helpless and weak. How can I be strong when I feel like the most important thing to me is slipping away. The only think I can think is to keep you close, to hold on tight. I can't let go, I won't! You are all that matters. You are my foundation, you ARE my strength. If the foundation crumbles, or disappears, what happens to that structure? It may be able to stand for a little while, but not for long. It will fall. I know there are people to pick me up again, but the thoughts that have gone through my head recently, they are unfathomable. It is an unacceptable turn of events. I will use all of my strength, all of the strength you give me, to hold steady. We will succeed. We will make it through this. We are strongest together. To know you are next to me gives me comfort. To know you are an arms reach away makes me at ease. I love you. I am afraid of being without you. I'm not afraid of being alone, I know I never will be. Without you, I will not be whole. You mean the world to me. I would give everything for you. That is my main fear. For now, my fear is losing you. Let it just stay a fear. Fears can be overcome. Let my fear never become a reality. Let me give you strength like you give me. I am always open to you, I am always there for you. Let me hold you close. I never will let go.

Empathy really sucks sometimes. I fear my strength is wavering, that I am losing my grip. I feel so helpless, so lost. Is there nothing I can do to help? My heart feels so heavy. There are things that flash in my mind, that feel so wrong. Thoughts that break my heart. Why do I feel like I am falling apart? Like I may be losing everything I care about? Or at least like there should be more that I could be doing to make things better? Is it too late to pick up the pieces and to make things as it feels they should be again? What happened to us? Where did our hearts and minds go? I miss you. How do I get back to you? How do I reach you again? Your heart feels farther from me than ever. I still feel you, within me, but your presence seems so weak. My hand is out to you. My heart is open. You are always welcome here. You always have a place. My grip seems to be slipping, I don't know how long I can hold on. I can't let go. I have to keep my head above the water. I know I can bring you back. How much time will it take? What will happen if I slip and fall in as well? No, I can't even think about it. It just isn't an option. I know I can bring you back into the sun. I know I can see that smile on your face again.