I bought a fish as a present for someone and I decided I wanted to get a fish too. I feel that I am ready for the commitment of caring for a fish. Change the water once a month, feed it and pray it doesn't float. I ordered the fish online. They're "panda goldfish", which mean they are black and white and more expensive. Ordering fish online seemed like ordering anything else until you consider how they ship the fish. That fish has got to be confused. It's in a black box/perfect storm tiny ocean. I'm glad they don't have feelings. So, I order these fish and realize I need a bowl and other fish shit. I go to Petco (where they have live dogs for adoption, which make my fish purchase seem fake and hollow) to buy all my fish needs. The aquatic department guy was British and right away I felt like he was smarter than me. He's telling me all this stuff I need, from the chlorine in the water, to the fish piss that builds up in the water. I get all this stuff that I have no idea what it's for and I'm checking out when the British guy arrogantly says, "Um, you know you're going to need some food too." I was like, "Yeah, they'll probably want to eat. Good thinkin' fish guy and thanks for making me feel like a moron." It became painfully obvious that my fish doesn't have a snowballs chance in hell of living very long. If this was an adoption type thing, I would be the irresponsible meth addict who wants a baby to feel responsible.

Denim is not a friend of the boner. I'm going to invent a pair of jeans with spandex in the crotch and when you get those nonsexual vibration boners, you don't have to be miserable. Sure, it could be embarrassing, but comfort is important when you're confident.

I saw a documentary about the country of India. It was on National Geographic and I they were riding elephants. They said that in India, having an elephant is a sign of great wealth. Yeah, that's not unique to India. That's pretty universal. There isn't some dude Alabama hollaring, "Hey babyyyyy! Get out here and take a look a Dumbo Junior! He is a beauty! I promise you ain't nobody else got this in their yard/field!" "Randy we cain't even pay the electric bill, how we gonna afford Dumbo Junior?" "Damn woman, who the hell needs electricity when you got an elephant!" Elephants aren't going to be this centuries under ground pool. Pools used to be the best way to show your neighbors that your family was better than theirs. Then everyone got a pool and you could only show your status by how fucked up your children are. That's not going to happen. "Did you hear that the McFarlane boy got a DUI?" "Yeah, but he was driving an elephant, so you know his daddy will get him out of it."

I saw a homeless man screaming and flipping out when I was walking home from work last week. As I got closer I could hear that his hissy fit was being thrown over him loosing his chapstick. Now, loosing your lip balm is very irritating but it was clear that this guy had a mental disorder. And I thought if this guy reacts this way over loosing his chapstick, he must have really went bonkers when he lost his job and house. Like Looney Toons type of whacky. You think that there is any homeless person whose favorite season is winter?

We as humans often forget emotions. In the ebbs and flows of life, we sometimes forget what it's like to swim against the current since, "Life's Good!" Then there are times when you have no fucking clue what direction you are going in the river of life (completely aware that this analogy is complete gay/corny/stupid/childish/or Christian'esq). So, I guess today was a whirlpool. I thought about some stuff today that most people don't think about. That's the beauty of hanging around comics. Here is my example.

"Hey, if you were going to fuck a dog and it was a girl, would you fuck it's ass or vagina?"

In normal everyday conversations, that topic would get you fired from your job. However, when talking to a group of comics, no one really bats an eye...unless they're a softy, nancy boy/girl. They always fire back with a quick retort. "Well, you'd have to try for the vagina, but I guess you could settle for the ass. I mean it's not going to be easy. My dog doesn't like getting in the bathtub, so I bet she's not going to be gung-ho about getting fucked." Is there a better answer? If so, please fill it in.

New Subject: Have you ever just had the "It's Over Speech" with a girl? You've known it's over for awhile, but you stay in denial because you think you might get pussy again. That's my situation. And after you have that talk and you're walking home, why the fuck does every goddamn happy couple have to be walking the street? "Oh, I'm so glad you picked that restaurant. It was perfect. I'm so glad we JUST met and are already in LOVEEEEEEE!" Fuck those people in their mouth hole. I'm not proud to say this, but I actually wanted to rip that guy's arm off and then beat him with it. I know it's wrong and in my heart of hearts I'm glad I'm a romantic sap, but just for a split second I wanted to make that fuckers kidney's bleed. Like in Fight Club when Edward Norton beats the shit out the lead singer from 30 Seconds To Mars, (Jared Letto...yeah, I'm a fan. No, I'm not...seriously. I just have too much trivial shit in my head) because he wanted to destroy something pretty. That's sorta like what I was feeling. I wanted to beat him until she left him due to colliflower ear and teeth broken at the gum line. Someone just emptied their aggression tank!

A lot of people ask, "Jay, is MySpace your therapy?" And I say, "No, do you read my blog?"

I'm going to be an uncle is less than two weeks. I'm pretty excited about being an uncle. Mostly, because I'm 99.587% sure I'm not the "molesting" type of uncle. That was a joke. I'll be a great uncle. I won't get to see her much, but I'll teach her stuff in stages. When she's a baby I can hold her and make silly faces. I can give piggy back rides and tell her meth is bad when she's a toddler. Then in elementary I can tell her about the Bloods & Crips, (I'm not in the gang, so I don't know if I spelled it right. I just watch Gangland on A&E) and how you have to put a motherfucker in the 150 Club. That's when you give a person a cut that requires a 150 stitches. Seriously, it'll be cool to have a little person to help cultivate. Hopefully, I can be a positive roll model and be the reason she gets a college degree.

I can't believe 36 people read this goddamn thing today. Thanks.
Jay

I'm going to start wearing a fanny pack.  Not because I'll suddenly enjoy wearing fanny packs, but just to see if people will follow in my footsteps.  "Did you see that kick ass fanny pack Jay Hastings had on at the Grammys?"  Just picture George Clooney on the red carpet with a fanny pack on, and he's rooting through it for some Tic-Tacs.  

Today, I was reminded why it is I don't go to Six Flags...by going to Six Flags. Six Flags is where diabetes kills your sense of adventure. Six Flags is a place to show off your new neck tattoo. I believe Six Flags coupons are given to newly paroled felons. If you don't understand my hate for the people who enjoy going to Six Flags; you enjoy going to Six Flags...and please stop enjoying my comedy. I go to Six Flags for the Rollercoasters, but I leave asking questions like, "Seriously, who would fuck that and HOW could she believe in god?" I sweat my balls off from 2:30 in the p.m., road 5 rollercoasters, and waited in some of the dumbest and fattest lines in America. More Flags, More Dumb!

The ashamed woman said, "They be sumptin' wrong wit my seet!" There was nothing wrong "wit her seet"; she was too fat to ride the fucking rollercoaster! And you could see it stung her pride, but it was also clear from the way she handled it, that some other "amusement" park has had the same conversation with her. First, how do you get told, "You're too fat to ride this rollercoaster," and not immediately go force yourself to vomit. "You know what? I'd like to lose the weight the healthy way, but I need to get a jump start on this." She stood there while her ____________________(Pick one of the following: mother, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, granddaughters, friends, posse, crew, cousins, or gang members) went on the ride, and when they pulled back into the station she asked the same sad question, "Was it fun? It looked like fun; I bet it was fun. Maybe next year, but who am I kidding?"

I rode a ride called The Penguin's Glacier River or some shit like that. It was a water ride and you sit in a circular inner-tube. Along with me and my two roommates, our other passengers were all dressed in Clemson University hats and tee shirts. I went to college in Clemson. I start a conversation. I looked at the _____________________(Pick one of the following: father, brother, cousin, first cousin, husband) and said, "I attended Clemson." He shot is hand in my direction for a firm shaking and replied, "That's all you had to say!" As if this penguin ride was about to get weird and no matter what happened, he had my back because I attended the University of his favorite football team. I guessed that he had not attended Clemson by his tattoos, but it was his dental plan that gave it away. When you have three rows of of teeth on your bottom gum, it doesn't scream GRADUATE! The funniest part of the ride was when the little boy lost his hat in the water. He didn't even feel it leave his head. He was just a jabbering, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy...that thang is like a merry-go-round, but faster. Daddy my hats in the water. Dang! Daddy 'at ride right der was fast. Daddy get my hat outta dat wata."

Why do I always feel that I'm going to get Hepatitis in those places? I actually know why I have that fear. It's because I see the way they present themselves, and I just think, "How could they not shit in the pool?" They're eating smoked turkey legs, drinking 38 oz. shots of soda; which they get free refills for cause they paid $12.99 for the "collectors cup"*, and their fat asses are on display for all to see through their wet bathing suits, because Cleitus and Rolanda needed to visit the water park before riding Superman. Fuck those people. I have no sympathy for the willfully ignorant. It's 2008 and even those people know how to use the Internet. Let me ask you something, "Is Dale Earnhardt Jr. fat?" No, he isn't. Sorry, let me put it in their language. "Why is y'all all like Boss Hog, when you need to be in shape like them Duke boys?" I bet those people get Funyions as Christmas presents. *(If you collect cups from Six Flags you have wasted your life and you should just go ahead and end it. I don't want to be mean, but let's call a dud a dud.)

Six Flags is Six Flags. I don't think it's ever changed. It's for kids and for ignorant people who don't know no better that have kids too. It's fast rides, fast food, and slow lines. I don't understand the logic. I guess in really pursuing that Hollywood "vibe", they felt it appropriate to include the "Hurry Up and Wait" factor. I won't be going back to Six Flags or any other "amusement" park for quite some time. Hopefully, it won't be until I die. I can only assume that Six Flags is hell, and I keep hearing that I'm going there.

Life's a rollercoaster...keep ya motherfuckin' hands up!
Jay

Tonight I had the displeasure of spending the evening with two of my good friends, in two bars in Arlington, VA. The two meat markets/bars we went to were Claredon Grill and Mister Days. On paper the Claredon Grill might seem like a place where you could engage another human being in conversation, but upon arrival you find out that it is an airport for assholes; the cover charge is their airfare to destination GOOD TIME! Mister Days just sounded awful but there was no cover charge. No cover charge equals the exact same environment as the Claredon Grill, however, these fucks are just cheap bastards. Here's the outline of tonight/blog. My friend (who will remain unknown) had some lady texting him to meet up with her and her friends at the Claredon Grill. He ditches me for pussy; I'm cool with that, cause I'd do the same thing too. I leave and he gets into a fight. I meet another friend and his girlfriend at Mister Days. We waited in line for 30 mins to enter a bar that I would describe as Satan's Waiting Room. I met a pretty girl in line who was also doubting why the fuck she was standing in line. I had one beer, mocked the entire bar, and then took the metro home. I learned some things on the way home.

White people suck! There is SO little originality in the white population. My people are the discount rack of culture, art, music, and fashion; cause by the time we get our hands on it, the new hotness is upon NYC & LA. Washington, DC is 5 mins from Arlington, VA but culturally it is light years away. Arlington, VA is populated with white people who got college degrees, but are too afraid of minorities to live in Washington, DC. Oh, they'll work in The District but they like to party in that "College Town" type vibe they're familiar with. That cramped, pulsing, hot, music too loud environment that preaches uniformity, and stifles originality; or even a conversation about the weather. I equate these white people who enjoy this "atmosphere", as the type of people who enjoy Jimmy Buffett concerts. Cause the people don't know why they go to these meat markets, it's programed into their DNA. It's all they know. Much like how 52 year old dudes don't really know any Jimmy Buffett songs, but goddamnit aren't Margaritas tasty!

And no, I'm not jealous. I'm disappointed. I like to think that everyone is capable of overcoming obstacles, but more and more I'm seeing that white people are sheep. No one sees anything stupid and pointless of spending your time in these type of establishments. If I wanted to drink Bud Light out of a bottle and get in a fight with a dude in a UFC "Affliction" t-shirt, I'd go country line-dance. All I want to do is to be able to meet a nice little lady who likes to cuddle and watch a movie. I can't find that when there is a 24 year old Lane Bryant shopper digging her fat ass into my thigh, while she belts out Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back". Yay! That's a good time! Fuck that place. I don't know why there aren't more bar shootings; like Columbine type school shootings. I'm tempted to do it. Cause I've been that pissed in those bars. You wade through the crowd for 20 mins to get to the bar, then you have to elbow past the human fence surrounding the bar, then you have to wait to get your order in. This takes me another 20 mins because apparently I don't "look like a hip guy". And all the time this is going on, all I'm thinking is, "I'd like all these motherfuckers dead. If there is a god in Heaven, then he will lay down a plague on this bar. Why god won't you make these people spontaneously ignite into flames? Or you don't even have to kill them, just turn them into the great big piles of shit that they are."

Another example of White People sucking was when I over heard this thugged out white guy say, "Naaaa son, I think Lupe sampled that song." Really, you're going to give Lupe Fiasco shit about "sampling" a song, when you have "sampled" his entire persona. Really Jr? You mean you came up with the idea all on your own to wear a Rocca Wear shirt, baggy shorts, a flat bill Yankees hat, and color coordinating sneakers. Are you sure you didn't sample that from a black dude you fucking hypocrite.

I'm full of hate and need to go to sleep. It's nights like this that make dying alone seem not that bad.

Jay

I'm going to Vegas this week. I'm excited. I've never been. This is the first time I've ever traveled somewhere and have morally weighed what I'd do in the name of "recreation". I do know that I don't want to be suckered into it. I don't want to be the guy who loses $500 dollars at the tables and then gets visits the old "jack shack" to treat himself to "something nice" because he "earned it". But, I would be the guy who allows his friends to purchase it as a "joke", because if it's in the name of humor it can't be a sin.

I got caught in the rain walking home from work today. You either love walking in the rain, or hate walking in the rain. I love walking in the rain. It has a medicinal quality to it and after a good walk in the rain you feel clean. You can either wait under an awning or embrace God's tears. I walked passed a woman standing under an awning, hating the rain. "It's fucking raining Stephen and my shoes are $350 dollars! Yeah, I'm a little pissed (I assume it was Stephen with a "ph". I've always thought of that spelling as the pussy version)." I'd be pissed too if my shoes dictated my feet. "STOP FEET! I am Jay's shoes! I am the vessel in which he chooses to express himself and we are not fucking walking in the rain. We are what let hip people know that Jay is cool!"
* I actually saw a guy put plastic bags over his shoes because it "looked like rain". When you have to put plastic bags on your feet to protect your shoes, haven't the shoes actually turned you into a dork? He was dressed head to toe in Sean Jean and looked like a normal guy, but then you see the bags on his feet, it makes him look like a fucktard that talks to clouds. I love vanity.

I grew up very wealthy. I grew up in a upper, lower middle class white family. Yeah, you guessed it; my family went to Outback Steakhouse. We weren't Appelbees' white-trash. Anywho, I want to open up a classy bar for the classy people I grew up with. It's a wine, cigar, mint julip, and scoth bar. It's called "The Upper Crust". And instead of a mechanical bull, I'll have a mechanical race horse. And you have to bring your own jockey, because renting the kitchen staff would be wrong.

I've been captivated (not really, but intrigued) about the news story of those 17 year old girls who made that "pregnant pack". The news stories were saying that the girls did it because of movies like "Juno" and "Knocked Up". I guess those girls really wanted to say clever one-liners and fuck a chubby guy. That is clearly not true. That's like me wanting to get a girl pregnant because I saw "Three Men and A Baby". That could never happen, no matter how cool I think Ted Danson is. The funniest part of one story was when the principle was interviewed. He said, "The the story get worse. We found out one of the fathers is a 24 year old homeless guy." HA, HA, HA!!! Could you imagine being that homeless guy? Now there is winning the lottery lucky, then there is being homeless and 3 high school girls asking you to fuck them, not wear a condom, and oh yeah...they're paying you in cheese burgers. That's not a joke. That really happened. This story makes me question every crazy thing I've ever heard a homeless guy scream. Cause if I heard some hobo yell, "I just fucked 3 high school girls and they fed me 2 Big Macs!" I'd say that I was blessed by the hands of god to be so fortunate to hear the greatest sentence ever. I actually agree with the principle. Wanting to have a child is a natural feeling for a lot of women, but a woman should never want to fuck a homeless guy. That just proves their unfit to be mothers and nurturers. If they were good mothers they'd go on the pill for a couple of months, then stop taking it, then trick the poor bastard they're fucking into not wear a condom. If they did that it shows they're ready to be good moms. That's probably not the best prediction.

As I write this entry, I am sitting on a north bound "deluxe" bus headed for New York City. The bus is completely full and people are uncomfortably close. I blame the fat ones. However, I have been stroked by lady luck and do not have to share my little 2 seat paradise with anyone. I'm the only one on the bus who can stretch his legs and spread out. I can feel the hate being thrown my direction from all the land cows on this bus. There are a lot of chubby chubs. But, there is also a fair amount of "talent". The girl across and one isle up from me is smokin' hot with very nice boobies. However, she is dressed like a sailor.

Let's just break down the entire bus as I see it, shall we? There are some characters. First up we have THE BUS DRIVER. A very affable man who seem like the salt of the Earth type guy. He's a talker. I just heard him say this "As long as we got a full tank of gas, we ain't never lost....just a little late." That's always reassuring. I don't know what it is about old black guys, but I just feel like they know where they're going. This guy knows I-95 like the back of his hand.

The girl directly across from me is what most medical professionals would call "morbidly obese". Her face is swollen from what I guess to be 1000 bee stings/1000 Whoppers. She has a gut on her that could be used as shelter if we were lost in the woods. Yes, I'm aware that I'm being mean. It's so much fun. I'm judging everyone and Loving It! One more for Clogged Artery Annie before moving on. In the words of my grandfather, "If someone told her to haul ass, she'd have to make 2 trips." Seriously, she looks like that really fat girl from Nickelodeon.

Directly behind me there are an Indian couple. I think father an son. They are covered in very nice jewelery. What the fuck are they doing a bus? Sure, buy another gold watch...we'll take the bus! Who is that careless with money? They also just opened up some sort of food product that smells like my balls after exercise. Vinegar, salt, and a pinch of burnt hair. Not pleasant.

It's 6:45 and we just got through Baltimore. It's always nice to see that city in your review mirror. It's going to be a while before I see the skyline of NYC. But, all things considered it could be far worse than it is. I got my own isle to myself. I can stretch out. I got a good book and I'm going to be taking a nap soon. At least I'm not walking. However, it wouldn't hurt a lot of these people to walk to NYC.

Backhanded compliments are the best when they come from friends, because it's the truth slipping out in a benevolent manner. For the past 2 months I've been fortunate enough to be dating a very sweet, kind, supportive, and attractive woman. I have several friends who are single and apparently have become motivated by my success in the "Lady Department". I'm glad I could be of help and get them on the right track to pillow talk and condoms.

Last night I was having a conversation with a guy about this girl he has a crush on. It was a standard crush situation: guy find girl hot and guy like girls job. As we were discussing the plan of attack my friend says, "Jay, after seeing your girlfriend...you give me hope." Now, I'm a little slow on the uptake. Upon hearing that statement I smiled like an idiot and said sincerely, "thanks man". But, after closer review I've come to realize that there are only two meanings behind that statement:

1. Jay, you're a lucky bastard. You have a wonderful girlfriend who is super hot and super sweet.

or

2. If you can do it, I can do it because you have blossoming man tits and a hairline that looks like a cul-de-sac.

I'm pretty sure that dude went with 2. And he's 100% right. He CAN do it. I just don't think I should give him hope. Really? There is a certain amount of arrogance attached to that statement, so how could I (the lesser, uglier human) give hope? I never watch the Special Olympics and think, "Wow, that could be me out there!"

Anyone else think it's time for some more comics to start their own rooms? If last nights bread line of an Open Mic proved anything, it's that John McBride does way too much for the DC Comedy Scene and countless comics ride his coattails. He runs Rendezvous every Wednesday night with NO help, and he co-operates The Bomb Shelter with me every Thursday. Other comics in the community that run their own rooms and help provide Life for a fledgling, near death open mic scene in this town are: Tyler Sonnichsen with the Laughing Lizard (which is Bi-Weekly and a great room), Lance Smith has Bistro Europa on Sundays, and of course The Godfather Curt Shakelford runs his rooms. I know that there are other comics in the area that put on shows in the outskirts of the DC Metro Area like Jim Pate with Brittnay's or one of the shows in Columbia, Maryland. However, where the hell are the weekly shows to perform in DC? Wednesday is The Vous and Thursday is a showcase show. Monday's are fucking DEAD. Tuesday are DEAD, but I have heard that Café Japone might be opening back up. However, I was there on Tuesday and the owner was trying to make people pay $15 dollars to watch a fucking open mic. Friday night...DEAD again. Then Saturday if you're lucky you can get up at Tyler's Laughing Lizard.

Why don't more comics take action and try to do something for themselves. Fuck the community, do it for your own stage time. Be greedy…I am. Find a space, create a show, and make time for yourself and for your friends and for good comics. I don't understand why people sit on their ass and wait for shows to pop up. Go find a place! Last night at TheVous there were almost 30 FUCKING COMICS! So, instead of comics getting 5 - 10 mins, everyone got 2 MINS!!! I know I really got a lot out of reading joke premises out of my notebook. The ecosystem that is the open mic scene is so out of balance. In nature when a population explodes, and the environment can no longer sustain that population…you know what happens? It fucking dies. So are there any comics out there who will take action and start a new environment to sustain us? Cause if not we can just treat it like overpopulated deer, and start shooting the weaker, slower, can't detect camouflage comics (Jon Mumma would have a field day!). There are a handful of us who have rooms and try to produce quality shows, and it's really fucking hard.

"Go and do likewise gents. Otherwise, I have no sympathy for you."
Blake – "Glen Gary, Glen Ross"

Rory Scovel and I just locked in our hometown Christmas show. The show will be at the Warehouse Theatre once again. I'll have more details as we get closer to the show, but I just wanted to let everyone know that the date is set, so mark your calendars.

DECEMBER 20th @ The Warehouse Theater
Greenville, South Carolina

It's going to be swell.