this is how i feel right now



 PISSED OFF!!! AT EVERYTHING AND NOTHING AT THE SAME TIME!!!! FUCK THE WORLD! FUCK THIS LIFE! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE!!! I BROKE MY CELL PHONE BECAUSE MY MOM PISSED ME OFF TODAY... SHORT FUSE? HELL NO! I DON'T HAVE A FUSE TODAY.... I'M JUST SO FUCKIN MAD!!! WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS LIFE? I HATE EVRYTHING ABOUT IT... I FEEL LIKE I'LL NEVER GET THE HAPPINESS I WANT.... A GOOD RELATONSHIP WHERE I DON'T FEEL USED OR MISUNDERSTOOD. A JOB THAT I LIKE AND I GET THE PAY I DESEVRE. I'M SO SICK OF SONIC! AND JIM! AND THIS STUPID $4.23 AN HOUR+(nonexsistent)TIPS! I HOPE SONIC BLOWS UP! I FUCKIN HATE EVERYTHING! DRINKIN AND SMOKING ARE ONLY TEMPORARY RELIEFS... RYAN I FUCKIN LOVE YOU... YOU MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD LAST NIGHT AND FORGET MY SHITTY FUCKIN EXSISTENCE FOR LIKE, 2 HOURS. WE NEED TO GET OUR LIVES IN ORDER. I WISH I HAD A CAR SO I COULD JUST ESCAPE ANY TIME I WANTED! JUST LEAVE AND DRIVE UNTIL I'M SO FAR AWAY FROM THE PAIN. I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. I'M SO FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD I FEEL LIKE I NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP (THAT I CAN'T AFFORD) I WISH I COULD JUST DIE! BUT WHO KNOWS WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THAT? MAYBE I'M BETTER OFF ALIVE, MAYBE I CAN WORK SHIT OUT INSTEAD OF ROTTING IN THE GROUND... 

REAL WORLD-- INCOMPLETE

a whole new puzzle with the same old pieces,
IM SICK OF PLAYING GAMES
i cant escape this my new reality.


this is the real world--theres no more pretending
this is a new life-- [better] get used to it
im out on my own now-- my friends are there behind me...
supporting each decision that ill surely regret

diploma out the window, education down the drain
i barely recognize who i once was

first i DROPPED out
then i BREAKDOWN
im losing at this game

I love you more than anything
I need you more than air
I'd give my life to have you even if just for a moment.
when the moment is over, no regrets,
I'll die for you. and Only you.
when we're apart, i feel sick to my stomach with longing for you.
i love you so much it hurts. but I can take the pain. . .  for you.
when im asleep I'll dream of being with you.
when we're together I'll hold you close just to feel your heartbeat.
and thats enough. without you, there is no me.
you give me a reason you exist.
even if you don't feel the same, I'll go on.
admiring you from afar.

Is There a course you can take on how to KILL your girlfriends mom???? i want to know.. how should i go about doing it? At this point im fantasizing my options and laughing out loud. i just got home from the anime meeting and told Koga that her and Himi [who did NOT wish to go home] driven by adam, shoudl stop by mamas and we could talk in the front yard if we could be quiet. so i walk in the door and mama and bear are awake so i talk to them and the phone rings, it comes up as Kogas house number so the first thing i think is, "oh they decided to go home, whatever" I pick up the phone. Mrs. Hoff answers and asks me if Kogas there, i say no. shes all like, ashley jusy walked in the door and said Koga and adam are going to your house. i reply: I just walked in the door and shes not here. Mrs. Hoff is all like: is she there? putt her on the phone. Im like: shes not [fuckin] here! and then shes all like: Im callin the cops, this is rediculous! and im like: hold on a minute, okay? and i lean outside the door to see adams car outside. as i was leaning i hung up on her. I run to the car and tell koga to leave. she looks all sad untill i mention her mothers threat and then adams all like: I dont wanna get mixed up with police and kidnapping and stuff so they leave and kogas pissed off..... and Mrs. Hoff calls back and i tell her: they just pulled up and then took off i sent her home. all she said was: thank you. i was SOOO fucking mad at her i slammed the door on my way back in. This is why i dont go to kogas house unless i cant avoid it.... I fuckin HATE THAT WOMAN.

Poem / Song
untitled

A girl whose now in bloom,
starts to kiss and please,
(but) the choices of her doom,
put her on her knees.

This girl that no one noticed,
now stripped of virgin skin,
the mishaps of her actions,
reveals a beast within.

She is beloved by all,
as she become a tease,
she has no guilt for actions,
she only aims to please.

The shadow of her former self,
she tears at in her dreams,
hidden deep within the lies,
she isn't what she seems.

As the truth spills out of others,
pieces brokens in her games,
she's now aware of her mistakes,
but beasts are hard to tame.

A B!@#$ beloved by all,
A flirt, a tease, a whore,
the pain is growing stronger,
as people scream for more.

She's dying from the inside,
all dignity is lost,
the poison of her guilt,
will have a deadly cost.

Have you ever wanted to kill yourself?
-----------------------------------------------------
thought about it,

held a knife to your wrist or throat and then thought . . .

No,

I shouldn't die, I should kill THEM!!!

they, who walk among us . . .

THEY who infiltrate our schools. . .

THEY who ruin LIVES . . .

THEY who hate without reason . . .
who ridicule without thought . . .

who loathe the existence of perfectly good people who live altenative lives they THEY do!

THEY?

Who are you?

Why do you hate me?

I only wish to love . . .

without boundaries . . .

without limits . . .

Love is endless if you just set it free, . . .

and me?

bound in this cage by hate from you . . .

Caught up in your harsh words . . .



confused . . .




alone . . .



and yet hope------->
        shines in the distance. . .





--So, Yes I have thought of killing myself, but why kill yourself over some stupid chick who thinks your shit? or at least treats you like it?
I think the solution isn't in killing myself, but in killing the hate and discovering hope. [Or just killing little bitches that get on my nerves] . . . either one.

Okay! Its My first Blog! woot woot! Go Me! Alright, today was okay but I was kinda Blah All day.... like not really there. I alwayz piss my mom off when I'm blah! Ok, Get this, the only way to get me out of Blahnessnessness is for me to do something that will get the juice pumpin' , ya kno? I gotta go out and do something that will excite me and get me back to my usual self. Okay I will write more! Promiss! And there are pictures of me comin'!