METAMORPHOSIS

Oh, beautiful eyes
follow me everywhere
Like butterflies in springtime
Dance above my head
tangle in my hair
fizzle 'round my ear
sparkle 'fore my eye
Tease me with your colours
childish and disturbing
Your scent so exotic
wanna taste you in my mouth
 
Don't know where you came from
but I know you're here to stay
You descended just for me
little wings shall take me away
Little while longer
can this foreplay last
We both know that soon
the spell has to be cast
You gather around me
like sharks around blood
My knees betray me
I fall down in the mud

Swirl around my back
tight around my neck
Nest in my crane
eat away my brain
Never leave my side
this'll be one hell of a ride
Throbbing and thrilling
such a unique feeling
I'm enjoying this delightful dread
never wanted to die lying on a bed

Your teeth amuse me
oh please abuse me 
Unleash me from my silky chain
witness my panic and pain
Split my lungs in two
I need to feel the torture and maul
See the deep, dark, bottom
of my unclean sinner's soul

Sweet insanity
Sweetness follows
as we become one
The moth, the butterfly and me
The axe, the roots and the tree
Treat me cruel, love me tender
One last breath and I surrender
The truth is out, it doesn't matter
In the wind I'll have it scattered
All my beauty is depleted
The metamorphosis has been completed

******

This poem was spontaneously created
during a sleepless night on 27-28 February 2007, 
and originally posted as a comment
on Olivera's MySpace site.
She insisted I post it in my blog as well.
 
My inspiration, or should I say - provocation,
was in fact a picture of a picture hanging in her room. 
To see it, follow the link:
http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=145263541&albumID=0&imageID=2840372

God forbid I engage myself in useless efforts to change the world, but to all of you people who intend to talk to me, chat with me, or address me in any other written way - here's an official warning, from me to you.

Obviously, you have never met me in person, for anyone who has, knows approximately how to continue further successful communication with me.  Anyone who's ever set their eyes on me, has a vague idea of what kind of a girl I am.

I'M A GIRL.  I'm not a woman, I'm not 15 years old, I'm not your sis or your cousin, I'm not the girlie nextdoor, I'm not your wife, I'm not your dog, not your tootsie, nor your dolly... Good Golly, Miss Molly.  I'm not the blonde teenage babe you sweet-talk to at the bar, buy her a drink and make her blush by pinching her innocent, milky cheek; I'm not your cutie waitress smiling and flashing my eyelashes at you after I pour you coffee; I'm not your personal secretary who puts up with you no matter what you say or do.  I don't bluntly smile at the end of the joke I never understood, and answer yes to everything you say. 

Respect to all the Ladies from ALL profiles and professions who have balls and hold on to themselves. 

I'm here to make new friends, and talk to my "old" friends.  New, potential members of my Friends List don't know me?  Right.  Don't know how to approach me?  READ MY PROFILE.  It's all there.  All you need to know, if you are literate and sensible enough.  Don't have to read between the lines, just read the lines.  It says: I dislike spineless bastards and sleezy girls.  So don't be one, and don't address me as one. 

My nickname is BroomRider, not SweetiePie.  I like Metallica, not Britney Spears; I'm not a fan of Hello Kitty, I'm a Lynx; I'm not your Pink Barbie, I'm a Red Sonia; I'm not the lost little lamb that needs rescue, I'm the Amazon guerrilla.  So cut the crap and and stop using diminutive forms of nouns and adjectives in your messages to me.  They annoy me and make me think very little of you. 

Anyone who speaks Macedonian, knows EXACTLY what the hell I'm talking about: devojce, kukle, kuklice, macence, sekerce, zlatce, zvezdicke, srcence, dusice, cuce, broomce, pozdravce, baknezce, kissce, licence... and adjectives such as: dobricka, finicka, arnicka, milicka, ubavka, slatkicka... write them down in a special notebook and use them with OTHER girls, you'll surely score with them, but not with ME.  (Too bad I can't give an appropriate example in English)

Diminutives are properly used only by people close to me, for only they know how and when to use them.  Otherwise, diminutive forms are not romantic or sweet, they just sound silly to me.  You're not my boyfriend or my lover, so don't get overly familiar with me. 

There.  I've said it.  You have been warned.  My apologies to all the people who read this, and didn't recognize themselves in any part.  I salute you.

Music theme for today: "Itsy, bitsy, teenie, weenie, yellow polka-dot bikini" by Brian Hyland

I'm NOTHING like the girl in this song. 

If you don't know the lyrics, read them here: http://www.oldielyrics.com/lyrics/brian_hyland/itsy_bitsy_teenie_weenie_yellow_polka-dot_bikini.html

"Watch your Windows desktop burst into realistic flames!  This simulated fire effect will have you reaching for a fire extinguisher!"

Believe it or not, what you just read is an ad I'm looking at this very moment on some MySpace page... and I can't believe my eyes.  Someone's trying to SELL ME a wallpaper theme or something that will make me scream in panic, believing that my PC's on fire...  jump off my chair, grab my fire extinguisher, throw a bucket of water... in case I survive the electrocution, I'd probably end up seeing a psychiatrist or worse... end up in a mental hospital still believing that my hair's on fire, and hanging out with those guys who chase Smurfs  in their spare time or see snakes in their food plates...

Is anyone's life THAT boring to actually wish his/hers Windows desktop burst into realistic flames?!?  Dear Pyromaniacs, CHANGE YOUR MARKETING AGENT, NOW!!!  You're not gonna sell ANYTHING if you scare people to death with your ad!  I post this under the category "Dreams n supernatural" cause I'm desperately hoping that I'm dreaming this supernatural daftness.  Though I know I'm not.

Well, the only thing left for me to do now is to ask a question, anyone, please feel free to answer if you have the information I need:

CAN YOU SUE SOMEONE FOR MENTAL HARASSMENT AND STUPIDITY?

Music theme for today: Disco Inferno by Tina Turner (Burn, baby, burn!!!)

COMPROMISE - can be a fucked up thing.

Especially when you're making one with yourself, for a longer period of time.  And "long" is a word I can never associate when talking about my past relationships (just in case you're not sure about my concept of the word LONG).  As for the concept of the word COMPROMISE, if you ask dictionary.com, here's what you'll get: "noun - 1. a settlement of differences by mutual concessions."  If you ask ME, it's about YOU, willingly agreeing to lose something, in order to gain something else.  Cause only the dead and the stupid don't change, and you're not either one of those.  Panta rei, right?  So, you convince yourself to give up this little, itty-bitty thing in your life, in order to... gain something that you convince yourself that you need... oh, and everybody else says that you need it... and sane logic and common sense tell you that you need it... everything around you implies that you need it... so finally, you end up screaming out loud: "I need it, I need it, I need it!!"

Dear old Santa hears your desperate cries, karma weaves its magical threads around your aura, and BOOM! - you get what you want!  Well, you get what you deserve, for being such a hammer-head with your stupid, modern demands:

PART-TIME LOVER.

Why the heck not.  These are the 80's :o)  Emancipation.  Anything's allowed.  Don't want a full-time boyfriend?  No problem!  Just call 1-800-GET YOURSELF A PART-TIME LOVER!  Long live Stevie Wonder! 

No, I can't afford a real, "normal" boyfriend - I just don't have the time, the will and the need for that.  I say I can't AFFORD one, cause I believe that one needs to invest into a healthy relationship.  I'll mention some of the most annoying investments I have made so far in my young life: cutbacks in my favourite activities, spending less time with my girlfriends, less social life, more indoor entertainment, constant and continuous rearrangement of my daily schedule (partly due to the fact that I work in shifts), less time to enjoy the nature or just take a walk outside, jaywalk with no particular reason or place to go but enjoy life outside, hell, not to mention absolute lack of time to mope around the house in pajamas, if that's what I feel like doing!!!  You try to shorten everything: get back from the gym earlier, cancel a coffee with your best friend, postpone the meeting with your gynecologist, condense the conversation with your family to the basic phrases of verbal communication, let the book you started reading rust in the dust, drink a short espresso instead of a long nes, shower instead of bathe, shampoo and rinse your hair, but skip the conditioner - that will save you another 5 minutes, and 5 minutes is A LOT!  Right, right, I know: I'm a very busy girl (but I already mentioned that info on my profile).  I work, study, take private classes, work out, have a few hobbies and more than a few friends... all those require time and effort as investment too.  To summarize: less time for myself.

My-Self.  Yes, me, myself, I.  I'm selfish and egotistic and I love to admit it.  All of you who aren't - go live in monasteries.  But don't forget the 11th commandment: Thou shall not judge.  Either way, I do things my way.  I'm a bad Christian, so sue me.  And as a bad Christian, I accepted the challenge to have a part-time relationship.  And don't go raising your eyebrows on me now, you know damn well what I'm talking about (at least I hope so, for my own sake - God forbid I have innocent, inexperienced lambs on my FriendsList).  And part-time relationships are perfect, at least as a concept... at the beginning of the actual relationship.  Because by the time you've said "ashtray", you find yourself stuck in this knee-deep blob-jelly, a sticky and sour mix of inertia and moral obligations. 

NOT AGAIN?!  It was supposed to be 100% pure fun, good time with no serious intentions, no strains and restrains...  Both of you wanted a short ride to the next stop, but there you are, still following the white lines on the asphalt, one after another, and you just can't seem to be able to get your eyes off the tracks... God knows why...  If it were a "normal" relationship which you wanted to end, and actually had the balls to do it - you surely would!  But here, there is nothing to "end", cause there's really nothing there to end, it's just a part-time...

Well, let me give you an update.  Part-time relationships are a bit tricky.  Nobody cares to control, nurture and shape them in a desired direction, so eventually they grow into this unrecognizable scary thing called IT.  Suddenly you witness strange talk and strange behaviour from your part-time-partner, silly actions and reactions that even Sherlock Holmes wouldn't be able to decipher, obnoxiously green lies, childishly lousy excuses, unexplainable moves, awkward comments, but nowhere an indication that this so-called-relationship is about to end.  Not a hint.  Not from his side, though.  An end would be logically expected as a crown to each process, but this inexplicable behaviour is unbearable.

What is it?  What do you want from me?  Relationships that have begun as part-time and unserious - END THE EXACT SAME WAY!  There's no progress there, my dear viewers!  You know why?  Pure statistics!  What are the odds to desperately fall in love with your part-time?  0.1% -> of all the people I've met in my young life, there is ONLY ONE colleague of mine that married his part-time girlfriend (they're still married, have 2 kids), but just for the record - they knew eachother ten years before they actually started 'dating'.  So maybe that's even less than 0.1%.

So don't turn all romantic and mushy on me, all you macho nachos who just wanted good sex at the beginning when we first met!  That was our silent, MUTUAL agreement, remember?  Have fun and don't get serious about anything.  What, you changed your mind?  Oh boy.  There goes a headache.

But not MINE.  I descended the clouds from Heavens years ago.  And it's not about how much experience you have in life, but how much you learn from it.  And I'm a fast learner, with the ability to apply my knowledge in future events.  I never did believe in Santa Claus, even as a little kid; at the age of 10 I already knew "Pretty Woman" was a silly American movie that featured an imbecile scenario more impossible than the Cinderella fairytale.  And, oh, how I love fairytales!  They're wonderful, sweet-sounding, heart-pounding, magical, enchanting, colorful tools that help develop a child's imagination.  A CHILD'S.  That's why they contain no violence, sex, drugs, rock n roll, or explicit lyrics.  That's why they're DRAWN PICTURES in children's books.  All you grown ups loving and watching romantic filmed comedies, GROW UP!!!  Hollywood's retarding you!!  Sucking your brains out, shriveling your little gray cells, distorting your image of the world and its concepts, altering your wishes, demands, and reactions to the environment!

And for God's sake, DON'T START ANYTHING THAT YOU CAN'T FINISH.  You wanted a good time and not much brain usage together?  Fine.  You got it.  DON'T GET MORE DEMANDING LATER just because you liked the taste of the ice-cream.  Be consistent in your attitude, and learn how to know what you want - don't go into a barn asking to see a horse, and after a while ask for a zebra - she's just not there... and you're not in a freaking ZOO.

GROW UP!

Music theme for today: Part-time lovers by Stevie Wonder

Shake my tree from the roots

I don't care if it hurts

Pluck those ill fruits from my shoulders

I feel them feeding on my flesh

Chewing slowly bit by bit

Digging tunnels, making holes

It scares me to think what's inside

It's always easier to abide

Like a turtle knocked over upside down

Alone, washed out on a rocky beach

I'm swaying on my crooked back

Thrown back head, stretched out neck

Splashed by the waves of the cold sheets

I can't feel my limbs

But I know they are somewhere near

The ticking of the clock is all I can hear

Was it minutes, was it days

Counting here just makes no sense

The alarm will never go off

No gunshot to alleviate the suspense

Stuck in this pitch black vacuum

Balancing on the edge of the abyss

Feel no hope, feel no fright

In His realm you have no might

No end, no beginning, just the in-between

Where that is - I just don't know

No way out from this suffocating maze

I haven't slept in many days

Like a snake my body twirls

But not an inch in fact I move

Almost painfully enjoying

The vanity of the deploying

No longer I am sure what is real and what is not

What evoked this restless feeling?

Staring at the ceiling, at my eyelids, at the dark

Emptiness around me everywhere I turn

Am I lost, am I forgotten

Did I choose or was I chosen

For this torment is there a reason

I have lied but did no treason

My head will burst, my crane will crack

My third eye refuses to close

Brains are storming quickly and fiercely

Thoughts come crushing all my logic

Along paths wide but obscure

Leaving behind no trace whatsoever

Where did I come from, where do I go

At this very moment so little I know

Oh sing me a lullaby, I sense a rhythm in the darkness

Pulsing in my head, in my heart, in my veins

Kiss my burning forehead, hold my icy hand

Soothe my sore eyes, wash my brains

Close this portal, make this madness disappear

Stop the torture, find a cure

Kill inside me this uninvited creep

Let me sleep, let me sleep!

I toss the covers, curse in vain

What good does me lying in bed

Can't turn on the lights, can not call a friend

Nothing I may do will my long night amend

The only one to replace sleeping potions</O:P>

My faithful friend with no emotions

I take a piece of blank clay

On the keyboard my fingers start to play

Meek sense of my words I make

Little my eyes comprehend

I type and try to sound in reason

Is my mind my own true prison?

Purple bluish light coming through the window

Why, oh why do people think you're homosexual just because you hang out with people of the same sex as yourself? 

I was there with my friend, a girl of course.  Going out partying in town at night, or having a cup of coffee with girlfriends, having more physical interaction between each other (nothing outside the limits of good taste), when compared to men (we are not afraid to express our emotions or afraid we'll be called fagots with no macho attitude) IS VERY NORMAL.  We usually hang out together, not that we don't have guys around often.  And don't get me wrong, I'm not homophobic, in fact I know many homosexuals and respect most of them (because they're nice people!), but does going out in town with female friends put me under the category lesbian? 

I don't think so.  In fact, I think all that labelling is just bullshit.  Pardon my language, but that's all I have to say about that.  Stupid questions usually don't deserve answers at all, so I'm honouring this particular one with an answer as equally stupid. 

YES, I LIKE GIRLS!  Especially smart ones, with a sense of humour and not a trace of frustration, bold or shy, unique in their own way.  I'm a girl too.  I like being in their company, exchange ideas on anything, or just talk about ordinary stuff, I like spending my time with them, commenting new inventions in make up n hair care products, sales, intimate problems.  Hell, yeah, we even sometimes borrow each other panty liners, if you really need to know!  But I can only imagine myself in bed with a MAN.  A GUY.  MALE.  Hombre.  Ein Mann.  Uomo.  Whatever.  Barely consulting any definitions in books & encyclopaedias, I realize I'm not lesbian.  Jebi ga.

Why do people like to label things so much n so often?  Why can't we keep an open mind for ourselves, our family, friends, all the people around us, our whole environment?  Black isn't always black, you know.  And white can be sometimes boring. 

Turning down a guy's offer to sleep with him for three times (questions asked in intervals of about 30 minutes) brings up the inevitable question: "Are you gay?" And after you say NO, there goes "well... were you molested as a child?"  JESUS!  Just because I don't wanna have sex with you, doesn't mean I have to put up with your shit at 3 A.M.!!!

Nothing to explain, nothing to apologize about.  Think whatever you wanna think, just lay off my back.  Don't waste my time. 

I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person.

It's almost dawning here, so I'll cut this story short, with a few advices (oh, how I enjoy giving advices!)

PEOPLE:

- just because a girl is accompanied by girls, doesn't mean that she's lesbian, even if she performs a wild/dirty/provocative dance at a night club;

- seeing this scene re-oocur on weekly basis (even if dirty dancing isn't involved) speaks just as little about a person's sexual orientation;

- if you get sacked once or more than once by a girl with strong attitude and a handshake even stronger, that also doesn't mean she's homosexual.  It may mean she's a regular visitor of the local gym, or she's simply shaken too many hands of your kind (finally realized how to deal with them);

- if a woman tells you to fuck off or kicks you in the groin - man, you've pissed her off.  Get the hell outta there immediately;

- boldly speaking out loud their attitudes n emotions is not a sign of raised level of testosterone in girls (perhaps a lowered one in guys, who knows?);

- a FEMINIST is NOT a DOMINATRICE – she's a woman asking for the SAME rights as men, not total male domination/annihilation;

- DOMINATING is far off better than FAKING ORGASMS;

- if a girl engages into conversation with people whom she's met the same night in town IS NOT a sign that the girl is EASY;

- for a fact: being EASY is damn right better than being SLEEZY;

- being HOMOSEXUAL is much better than being PRIMITIVE (includes people labelling).

IF ALL THIS DOESN'T HELP YOU BECOME A BETTER HOMO SAPIENS, then here's what you should do:

Take 10 wide plastic straws and stick them deep inside your ears and nose, using 2 straws for each hole (having 2 spare straws is highly advisable, especially if you have a nose/ear piercing or simply have wide ear holes), and a tennis ball in your mouth (billiard ball is even better, but only if you have strong, healthy teeth).  Your eyes will pop out by themselves, so no need to worry about filling those holes.  ALL THIS MIGHT HELP YOU KEEP AN OPEN MIND.

BTW, the manager turned out to be rather positive and helpful, very friendly n kind, I have to admit, and overall she made a good impression on me… but all this was done AFTER she latently labelled me as: CONCEITED (imitated my way of laughing n tone of voice at the very first contact), OBTUSE (began addressing me in an artificially kind manner, using words out of place just to make herself look very educated, till I kindly asked her to cut the official crap cause I'm not here on an official visit - imagine, that worked!), DRUNK (tried to convince me into something she knows is incorrect), STUPID (actully believing that I would buy that sorry story), LESBIAN (so I wouldn't think she was doing me a favor just to get me in bed, ha ha ha!)  Man, it's not like I had a sexual proposal for her!?  It's like telling the waiter at the restaurant that your washing machine broke down this morning!  Why did she need to defend herself in advance from ME?  Don't know, and I don't find the answer within myself.  It's happened to other people too!  Why do we have to be so narrow minded n stiff?  Rigid minds offer dangerous stabilitly.  I guess it's these "crazy times" everyone says we're living in, I don't know…  I do know one thing though, and I'll share it with you again:

IT'S MUCH BETTER TO BE ALONE, THAN WITH THE WRONG PERSON.

Be in peace, friends, and try not to label much in the next 24 hours.  That's a start.  Night!

Music theme for today: Bitch by Meredith Brooks