Isn't this some shit?
It's been two fucking years since I first left San Diego, back in 2006. After my Junior at Kearny. I can honestly say that I wish that it had went differently. I wished to have stayed in San Diego. Nothing good came out of leaving San Diego, NOTHING. According to my mother, the reason we left was to help my grandmother and to save some money. I'll admit, there's new pavement on my grandmother's house in Mexico and the rooms have never looked better, but I think "mi nana" feels in-different about the whole situation. I had to endure getting drunk for the first time with a bunch of people I didn't know, I just didn't feel like staying at my new "living quarters" that night, I actually felt like doing something that night. I started school late, transcripts where all fukked up and I was placed in a bunch of classes that didn't suit me. I completely lost my motivation to continue doing anything. It was a suicidal position, just that I didn't feel like doing anything that year. Because of it, I almost failed my senior year, I didn't even know if I graduated on the date of graduation. Actually, I still don't know if I really graduated since I never actually recieved my physical diploma from the high school I went to. Speaking of 'graduating' I would like to think that even to this date, I'm still a virgin because I don't like to think of how I sort of had sex with this chick, but I like to think it didn't count. At this rate, I'll day a hopeless virgin because I refuse to have sex with someone unless I really do find them attractive somehow but the problem being, unlike high school, I'm not longer forced to interact with other people in a level in which I'll give them a chance to get to know me. (vice versa). So yeah... like I said, my life has been spiraling down every since to years ago. We didn't save any money from staying in Mexico, I didn't get a job, I didn't gain any experiances worth mentioning, I constantly felt like the outsider whenever I did anything with anyone at school, as if I was unwanted there. Mostly because I mostly hung out with Sophmores, which according them I didn't count as a sophmore because I was a transfer student. After graduation however, I really did have the time of my life, I did a lot of dumb but fun things and there's no price on the experiences that happened to me durning my "sort-of" College 1/2 year, I say half-year because I was only there for 6 months. Before I went to College though, for some reason I didn't bother to sign-up for any grants or scholarships, because again, I didn't even think I was graduating. I met some interesting people in my campus, people that I enjoyed spending time with, thanks Jimmy, you are one of the coolest people I've met, you've really helped me out. But I can't help but feel like every other person I met, felt a bit, imporersonal, maybe I'm just thinking too much. Those 6 months where everything I was hoping for... right up until the last month when I found out that didn't have enough cash to continue going, in fact, I didn't have ANY cash to do anything. I didn't have any money in my pocket, if you're wondering how I survived, I would have to say because of my friends and my mom sending me $400 every month. So I had to leave because I had no place in San Diego, not anymore. My parents had up left Mexico about 4 months ago and I had leave everything I had gained to start a new life on the East Coast, I wasn't happy about this at all, and I'm still not happy about it. Again, nothing worked out how it was suppose to, my mother said I'd be making $12, $13/hour at this job at wal-mart. Fucking shit, who would turn that down, you know? Free housing, save up enough cash, I'll be back to the west coast in no time, right? I should've realized that it was too good to be true. I was instructed to put in my application into wal-mart and to ensure I got the job, I put down that I was applying for a jobs available, including the one that my mom said she had gotten me. I had not work experience and so I said fuck it whatever and two weeks later I started working as an unloader at wal-mart at minimum wage, $6.70/hour. Hah, seriously what the fuck did I do in my past life to deserve such fate. I finally got some raises, $.90, so that brings it to my current wage of $7.60/hour. I'm the youngest person working in the store. Seriously. The only person with in my age group was 20. I'm surrounded by the bunch of people I can least iddentify with. Nothing in common. Nothing. During all this, I bought a new computer and a TV (for a computer screen) and the school that I went to wants the supposed 10k that I owe them, back. I'm broke. All my money is being spent on useless things and I feel that my life is getting nowhere, I can't even imagine how I'll be 5 years from now. I still don't know how to drive, I can't really manage my own money really, and balls deep in owing money I don't have. I'm thinking of Joining the Navy, I was on the website, said it's called the service because we're there to serve the poeple, and if we plan to join in hopes of the benefits, than we shouldn't. I just don't see where else to turn to, I'm not a self-motivated individual and I have little confidence in myself. I'm honestly at loss here. I'm here, writing this yet somehow, I kinda hoped someone would read this, but I know for a FACT, that no one will. It's a simple fact. If I had deep secrets, this would be a good place to write them down since the chance of people reading them would be slim to none.
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