Allright.

So the ulcer meds apepar to be working. He's stopped apssing blood, and things are normalling up finally.

According to the radiologist's report, his hips are perfect. There's nothing wrong with them, at all. The problem is indeed with his spine, but thankfully it isn't calcifying vertibrae. He has arthritis at a particularly inconvenient spot on his spine that is rubbing on a nerve bundle (the name for which I can not recall for the life of me, not that it -really- matters, anyway) causing the nerve bundle to swell and become irritated.

So the problem wasn't that his hips hurt; it was that everything from that point on on his spine down was in debilitating, shooting, pain. Fantastic.

The narcotic pain meds that he's been getting are seeming to do the trick for now though, he seems more comfortable, and he's content to walk up the stairs by himself. He isn't crying when he does now, but he isn't leaping up them either. I think he's learned that taking the stairs with a certain amount of respect is a good idea.

He has stopped vomitting, too, so that's a good thing.

Bleh. I'm still stressed out. On top of all this, Will needs a wisdom tooth pulled. Sigh.

You know, if I could just have an infinite amount of "emergency" cash would be awesome. You know, something I could only use in -real- emergencies. I'd still be poor as hell; but at least I wouldn't be subterranianly poor. >.<

Bleh. I think I'm going to head to mom's at some point and see if I can't rustle up some old blankets and whatnot and make Jennyr his own bed. Super squishy and fluffy and fuzzy and put a heat pad or three in it. I think that might help him out.

Two more prescriptions, a set of tests, one tired-as-hell Jennyr... and really nothing giving me much hope about this.

Jennyr's bleeding appears to be caused by a rather significant ulcer. Whether caused by the Deramaxx he's been prescribed(and taken once) or the aspirin the emergency vet told me to give him, they can't be sure. If it isn't an ulcer, it's a viral infection. Which could mean, that the meds he's been prescribed for the more-than-likely ulcer, could have no effect whatsoever, giving any possible viral infection full leave to continue it's course.

Poor Jennyr... the last time he ate anything was yesterday(Tuesday) morning, half his allotted daily intake. That day the vet said No Food. The vet today said, No Food until 12 hours after he completely stops defecating blood. No treats, no cookies, no meals, not a single kibble. IF he stops bleeding, he may have a small scoop or two of rice and/or cottage cheese.

If he doesn't stop bleeding by this time tomorrow, he'll be going in to the vet again tomorrow.

Sigh.

Sometimes, us pet owners find The One Pet. You know the one(and maybe you haven't found yours yet), the One that is Perfect, despite his or her flaws. The One that, no matter what mood you're in, they make you feel better. The One that knows how you feel, and revels in the emotion with you. Whether sharing a pint of ice cream while you lament a horrible day, or a bad breakup, or celebrating your promotion with a joyous fit of leaping and laughter through the house... Through loss, and gain, and joy, and sorrow, and anger..... no matter what, the One is always there by your side, to do anything neccessary to let you know that he or she is RIGHT THERE. Immovable, stable, certain.

The One lets you know that no matter what, you are not Alone. They are always there to share with you what you have, beg for what they cannot, and whether you are upset with him or her, or saddened by the loss of your grandmother's hand-stitched photo album and all the photos that went with it into the pit of your pet's stomach(or under a lifted leg because "Mom, really, I just had to go, I'm so sorry") you know that five minutes later, the ill will be forgotten, and who cares that it ever happened to begin with? And that you would trade, every earthly possession just to be sure your One could stay happy and healthy at your side, no matter what.

Mine happens to be a great dog named Jennyr. I used to think it was a great dog named Dodge, but growing up and out of teenage mentality has left me with a much more clear veiw of more than just the world, but also who I choose to keep at my side. The tiny infant pup that needed very minute of my attention grew into a sedate, though sometimes boistrous puppy, who then grew into a stoic and regal adult. With me when things were good, with me when things were bad. Danced and leapt with me along the fringes of mortal heaven, and walked with me through the depths of earthly hell.

He is my One, and for him, I would trade everything. My possessions, my collections, my finances, my life. For his well-being, there is no price too high, no ocean too deep or dangerous to swim.

So when on Saturday he started crying trying to walk, and screaming when trying to get up the stairs, I was scared. I had to carry him up the stairs to potty. (A rather big deal; I weigh 120, and he weighs 110) I called the emergency vet clinic to get some advice. With some aspirin(being all the recomended), and some good old fashioned TLC, he was better the next day. I chalked it up to wintertime, and the cold weather making his joints stiff. A problem he's had since he was 2. Supplements are slowly becoming more and more useless against this ailment, even though he's only 6.

Sunday I didn't worry too much. He was taking the stairs in two leaps and seeming like his old, normal self again.

Monday morning brought my world sharply back at square one, as he stood at the foot of my bed crying in pain. He couldn't walk without crying. So much as looking at the stairs caused him to scream. I had to carry him outside to potty, and even then he was in too much pain to actually do so. Aspirin was doing nothing(as since Saturday morning, I kept him up to dose on it) and I couldn't give him any more; he was already on the maximum dosage.

Calling my mom in tears, she dropped everything and took me to my vet, who immediately took x-rays, and prescribed him some medicine to ease his pain.

The x-rays showed conclusively that there wasn't a single thing wrong with his hips, but there could be some calcifying vertibrae between his hips, and completely inoperable. If this is the cause of his pain, there is nothing that can be done, but to wait until he can go no further.

This morning, I gave him his medicine, and we went about our day, with me absorbed in worry awaiting word from the radiologist whose opinion is needed before any diagnosis can be reached.

Titanium-stomached Jennyr began to have loose stools this morning, which only worsened throughout the day. Blood began appearing in it. I called the vet this afternoon, and she said it could be a normal reaction to stress, but just in case, not to feed him, and not to give him his medication. To call her back if he got worse, visibly ill, or began vomitting. Loose stool was a side effect of the meds, and really nothing to worry about. The color of the blood(bright red) indicated it was coming from the colon, and not somewhere very troublesome like further into his intestines or stomach.

Slightly relieved, but still worried, I hung up with the vet, and kept a close watch on Jennyr, keeping him hydrated and sedate.

Later that night I had to go and do laundry with Will, we were only gone a couple hours... But  by the time we returned, Jennyr had defecated on the floor in the house. Not too terrible a thing, considering his tummy upset, but a very good thing from a medical standpoint.

Hardly any of it was actual fecal matter; it was all blood. Not bright red blood, either, but clotted and dark. Jennyr indicated he had to go again, and I ran him outside. More clots. And only clots.

There is nothing I can do until morning, unless he begins to get into an "emergency" state. He looks like he feels fine.

I called my mom and dad, got the encouragement I was right in doing what I was doing, keeping him hydrated and low-impact, and to wait out the night, and see what morning would bring(with an immediate call to the vet after waking up.)

Just in case, and to try to settle my mind, I went online to check out the drug he'd been prescribed, Deramaxx. Finding only bad reviews and comments, a few horror stories, and numbers that frankly didn't agree with me, I logged off to take a shower to try and calm down.

Jennyr wouldn't lay down the whole time I was in the shower. Just stood there looking in at me like he does when he wants to come in too. I wouldn't let him though (it's 1am, I don't feel like dealing with a wet dog at 1am.) and so he just stood and stared until I was done.

He's asleep at my feet now, with all the fur on the lower half of his back standing straight up whenever he wakes up. He's in pain again. He'll be crying by morning. My heart is wrenching out of my chest right now. It has been since Saturday. I can't fucking DO anything.

My stomach is wadded up in a knot and I'm not sure if I want to vomit or just curl up and die. It's a worse than sick feeling.

I'm coming to the realization that, much to my own discontent, I may have to put him down before he's even out of his prime.

There's not really anything left to write, but... I can't sleep. My heart hurts too much, my soul hurts too much. The thought of losing him... scares me worse than I've ever been frightened for him before.

I was telling Will, I'm as terrified as when I watched him get hit by a semi truck when he was nine months old. But this time... I can't just run across the street to see if he's ok. This time, I have to wait. I have to be patient. I have to figure out what to do with the embodiment of my heart while it NEEDS something that I simply cannot provide.

Sigh. :(

Or maybe not.

Justa  thought. I was going through my pics to see if I had anything really worth uploading onto MS, but turns out, I have a lot of fantastic pictures.... But none that are exactly "socially acceptable". Poo.

I've also come to the realization that I have easily five times more pictures of my snakes and my dog than I do of my or Will combined. Not surprising, really, knowing me. Just... hadn't realized until I was looking through all my photos.

Will and I are thinking about hosting our own DnD chatroom on the Exodus platform. Haven't quite decided setting or anything.... but we do have most of the most important factors all figured out. Namely hierarchy and level progression and how scenes would be run and what players would get XP for and all that goodie goodies.

Wanted to call up my favorite photographer guy and see about setting up a shoot, but realized I'm having one of those bad complexion weeks. Does anyone out there have -any- kind of face goo/scrub/slime/acid crap that does good things for bad faces? Would be fantastic. And I've already tried Proactiv. Amazingly, it only worsens the issue.

I suppose this is the point at which I'm supposed to realize it's all the junk food I eat and go, "Oh, well let's be vegan!" but... I like grease too much. *sniffles and hides the Wendy's bags*

I'm have not been allowed to get a job recently due to going through vocational rehab for my schooling. To qualify for the service, I cannot have a job. A job right now, does not forward my career to get the job I want "tomorrow".

I don't care if other people choose to live their life paycheck to paycheck at a JOB. I'm choosing to get a CAREER that I will enjoy, using the easiest and most convenient means I have available. Who wouldn't want a free college education? I can't help it that the idea of being in the job I like without being up to my armpits in debt sounds appealing.

My modeling right now, nude or not, MAKES MONEY that is much needed. It's fun, too - I truly enoy what I do, otherwise, I would neither be excited about it, nor would I continue doing it.

Not everything that comes out of my mouth is stone cold truth. For example, if I say something that sounds selfish and childish, I'm probably doing it for the sake of amusement. Whether it be my own amusement, or sharing a personal joke with a lover.

So, Will brought home a pigeon egg for me about a week ago, said the adult might make good snake food. He's right of course, and I didn't mind, so I tossed it into the incubator. It hatched yesterday and man... of all the baby animals I've sene, this has GOT to be the ugliest one of all. Uglier even than baby starlings. So, I had to post a picture. It's too ugly to adequately describe it.

Now it gets handfed for two weeks before switching over onto solids. Then another 1-2 weeks before it's a suitabe size for snake food. Super ugly little bird, man... wow... you know what it reminds me of? It reminds me of the Dodo from Disney's Alice in Wonderland. Only uglier.

Anyway. Pictures.







Yep - that's my thumb in the pic. He's tiiiiiny. And ugly. Ooooooh so ugly.

And now I'm sick.

Sore throat and some bizarre sinus thing going on that hurts like you wouldn't believe.

Sigh. At least hub and I are speaking now. >.>

Just had to scream. I hate everything.
It's taking too long for the date of my med screening to come up. >.<
Depression's a bitch.

So, this last week, and so far this week, have all been just hellishly busy. I've been running here and there and stiucking my neck out and trying trying trying to be capable and reliable. It just seems like no matter how much I try, and how much I help and how hard I work... I'm just not getting anywhere.

I hate to be the type that gets on MS just to bitch and whine, that's not me. But it's one of those nights. I've been letting everything just roll off my back. Like water off a duck's back, as the saying goes. Today was a busy day. Running around like a chicken with it's head fresh lobbed off. Then working likke a woman gone mad to help out a friend of mine with some housework he needed desperately to get done since he and his gf broke up and she now won't help him out around the house. So, I offered to step in, and it was a lot of very hard work. 6 hours of very hard work, to be precise. I'd had a bad brekky, and a lousy lunch. Yet again, my day was spent in pain, still. I wish my doc could figure out how to fix me. I'm tired.

But... I took my pills, and survived another day. Sigh. Anyway... went home to my mom's place, had to watch kids. Finished watching kids, and was just ready to go back to Will's and get some sleep. Forget about this past two weeks. Hide.

I'm a coward... I'm afraid of life, of everything. I can't seem to find solitude lately. I can't find a rock to hide under. Anyway... I get in the car so mom can drive me to the train station to head to Will's we're driving. Talking about shit. I see what looks like the bag from a beer rolling down the center of the traffic lane. We didn't realize until too late that it was a duck, a female, looking very lost and scared. We rolled neatly over the top of her, and I spun in my seat with a gasp, just in time to see the car behind us cream her. There was no way she could have survived that.

Suddenly, I felt very helpless, very powerless, and very, very sad. I almost started crying. I felt like I'd known that duck, like I'd raised it myself, and it was my responsibility, and somehow I'd failed it. I kept it together, and got off at the train station, mom went home. I got on the train. a while into the ride, I couldn't help myself, and started sniffling, trying not to cry. A nice man across the isle asked if I was ok. I smiled at him and told him, oh yeah, no problem, it's just stupid. He pressed, asked if I had had a fight with my boyfriend. I said no, no not at all. Just stupid shit.

He asked if I was SURE I was ok, and if I didn't mind, what happened? I told him my mom ran over a duck, and he laughed at me. He apologized for laughing. I said I didn't care.

I was so upset by this duck, though. I couldn't shake it. I wanted to start crying and never stop until I cried myself into a deep, deep sleep. I was so depressed about it.

I got to Will's place, we took a shower, we got into bed. My stomach hurt. It's been tied up in knots for days now. I realized I hadn't eaten since noon, and it was well past 10 pm now. I got up, started making some stew in the microwave. I nearly started crying. But this time, I was only thinking a bout making food. And I was about to start crying.

I tried to figure out why, and slowly it came to me(but didn't make me feel any better). I'm tired. I am so, so, so tired. I'm tired of having to spend over an hour travelling just to see Will. I'm tired of living with my parents. I'm tired of working so hard for nothing. I'm tired of other people's bullshit. I'm just. So. Goddamn. Tired. I'm tired of being in pain, I'm tired of being sick, I'm tired of trying to appease everyone, and most of all, I'm tired of being tired.

Tomorrow is going to be another busy day. Busy busy busy. If I'm busy, I can forget how sad I am. I can forget how tired I am. I can run myself to the bone until I'm so sick and so hurting that all I can do is sleep until it's time to wake up and do it all again. I need to see a therapist and get on some kind of uppers. I hate this crash-course I have with bipolar. I need to get treated for it.

I'm sick of manic depression. I'm on this crash course right now, and all I want to do is cry. Well, at least that's the only thing I -want- to do that's even halfway acceptable considering everyone and everything I have in my life right now. I'm so down for no good reason. And I feel guilty that Will can't help me feel better.

Smile for the camera. Time for your next shoot, and it's smile click click click click. Smile.

Sigh.

Man... I'm finally getting that dumerils boa I've been wanting forever. I'm so excited about that. ^.^

Now, I want a pair of blood pythons. After that, I think I'll be set until I can afford a blue Amazon Tree Boa, or a piebald ball python. Eh heh.

There are just way too many awesome looking snakes out there, seriously. Too many lookers! I need my own place, then I'll start making some awesome cages and set up some serious breeding projects. I'd like to start producing dwarf boas, piebald ball pythons, jungle carpet pythons, and blood pythons... breeding for temperament in the latter and design in the former. Possibly see about some dwarf surinames... just a thought. Sigh.

I need more space. :( I need more money. :(

That's my pout for the day. I'm done now.

So now that y'all know - my wishlist is:

Piebald(or het for piebald) ball pythons.
Another Dumerils boa of opposite gender to whatever this one turns out to be.
And Blood Pythons.

Ta daaaa.