As a woman I love to wear 3-4" heels. Their sound on pavement, the way they stretch my calves as I walk, the look and feel of my feet tightly wedged into the pointed toes of my size 11M heels, is all so special. And, they make my legs look great as well. So, they're part of the signal I use to say, "I am a woman." It's got to tell you something that I don't even own a pair of flats.

My height of 5' 11" puts me just above the 95th percentile for women's height. That is, there are only 5 women out of 100 who are taller than me and 95 who are shorter. On average men are 5-6" taller than women. Thus, women who wear high heels come close to equalizing their height deficit with respect to men. Women who wear flats or tennis sneakers are giving away those 3-4 inches of height with all the equalizing effects height conveys. Are high heels power shoes? I think so.

Tall men who are in public as women must learn to deal with their excess height if they are to pass successfully as women. The problem is, of course, exaggerated when we wear heels.

My advice, girls, is to wear your height proudly. All my life I have watched tall women to see how they handle their height. Some stand straight and some slouch. Some wear flats and some wear heels. I want to emulate the ones who stand proudly in their heels.

Others have pointed out that from a distance it's hard to judge height, particularly without a reference. Up close ones personal interaction should begin to dominate. From my own experience, it seems as if carrying myself in a stately manner, not unlike a model, and using eye contact and a big smile up close maximizes the "I'm a woman" signal I convey. Certainly having an even taller male companion helps as well.

The good news is that tall genetic women are becoming more numerous. The younger generation of women seems to have more tall women. The population grows about an inch every generation. So if we can wait. . . Women who are fashion models are invariably tall. Many are over 6'. However, tall and thin go together in their case. So, recognizing you can do nothing about your height, girls, but wear it proudly my advice to you and to myself is to get the fat off. Six foot and 160# looks much better than 6' and 200#.

The next value to work on is proportion, the 36-26-36 kind. Most male bodies are ill proportioned as females. I wear a corset and hip pads to achieve a normal size 14 look about 41-31-41.

A final note. As more and more of us Tgirls go mainstream, passing successfully as women, and the public becomes aware that we exist in numbers, are we going to call into question the gender of all tall girls? Is she or isn't she? After all they can't tell us apart. We may even cause a blip in the height percentile curves as we get counted as part of the female normal distribution.

Flying as Jennifer.

I consider myself to be transsexual and have been living part time and taking every opportunity I can to live my life as Jennifer. After 9/11 I had stopped flying as Jennifer but last year I couldn’t stand it any longer.

I asked around if anyone knew what TSA would say when I presented myself as a woman with male ID looking hardly anything like me. My TG counselor didn’t know. My TG lawyer friend didn’t know. Nobody I knew seemed to know. So I fortified myself with a letter from my TG counselor and a photocopy of my driver’s license with my female picture next to my male picture with the note that, "the person hereon is transgendered and is not dressed in this manner for fraudulent or deceptive purposes."

On a trip, last year, from DTW to LAX (in drab), I told a TSA supervisor that I was transitioning from male to female and that, for a time, I would still have male ID. I asked him how TSA would handle that? He took it like it was no big deal, “no problem, just show us two pieces of picture ID like your drivers license and your passport.” He also mentioned showing my Social Security card (which is not a picture ID).

On the return flight, as Jennifer, I used my driver’s license and the photocopy of my DL to satisfy TSA. I carried the letter from my transgender councilor but didn’t have to use it. I look nothing like my picture in male mode. (The first time I visited my TG councilor as Jennifer she commented that she wouldn’t have recognized me if she hadn’t been prepared having seen my pictures as Jennifer.)

I was dressed much as my pictures, auburn hair, face lightly made up, wearing a green, low cut sweater that showed lots of cleavage a white, 17 inch, mini skirt and white heels. One of my LA girl friends thought I looked great in this outfit.

When I went through TSA security I was wearing an underbust corset. (I decided that my figure was a first priority.) I knew I would flunk the metal detector but, so what. I flunked. I did have to go through a wanding and pat down. The TSA lady who did me was very polite and treated me like a lady.

I had been upgraded to Business Class and enjoyed the pampering and smiles from the stewardesses all the way to Detroit. At all points of the trip I was treated as a lady and often received smiles from other women. My biggest problem was having to wrestle my luggage into and out of the airports. I pack way too much stuff. Wearing 4” heels didn’t make it any easier but I managed. I do wear flats but I hate them.

I have flown several times since then as Jennifer. When I changed my hair color to blond I updated the photocopy of my DL with a picture of me as a blond. And, I do carry my passport as a backup.

I recently flew as Jennifer DTW to Harrisburg, PA to attend the Keystone (TG) Conference. On my way home as I walked up to the TSA agent who checks your ID and boarding pass, I smiled and he smiled back. The first words out of his mouth were, "Has anyone ever told you ‘you look like Ann Margaret’?" Wow, that was nice. Then as I handed him my male ID he commented on my wedding ring, “that’s a beautiful Marquis ring.” I think he wanted me to know that he knew what a Marquis cut diamond was. As he examined my ID the reality I had just handed him sunk in. I could sense that he was momentarily flustered not knowing what to do with a girl who looked nothing like “his” ID. Taking charge, I asked him if he'd like to see my passport. "Yes," he answered. With that he was satisfied and he scribbled his little markings on my boarding pass. I gave him a great big smile and he gave me one back and I moved on.

When you’re going through TSA, remember you’re in their territory. Be friendly, be polite and don’t be nervous. These people are now well trained professionals and will treat you with respect, certainly, if you treat them with respect.

I hope this is helpful. I cherish my time as Jennifer and love to put myself in challenging (but safe) situations. I am a better woman for it. I’m going to be flying as Jennifer every chance I get.

777 words

At the suggestion of my transgender therapist, Sandra Samons, I bought several books on the subject of transgender and transsexualism.


Right Side Out by Annah Moore
Wrapped in Blue by Donna Rose
She's Not the Man I Married by Helen Boyd
Goddess by Raquel Reyes
True Selves by Brown and Rounsley
Transgender Emergence by Lev


I've finished Right Side Out and Wrapped in Blue. As life stories they are so helpful in giving us understanding of what we're up against and that there can be life after transition. I recommend them to anyone who is transgendered and even remotely considering transition.


I've scanned and skipped through She's Not the Man I Married. I can't relate to Helen Boyd so it was neither interesting or helpful.


Goddess is for the transgendered/transsexual woman who is contemplating getting into the sex industry. For me, it was neither helpful or therapeutic.


True Selves is very useful but it is basically a third person discussion of all aspects of being transgendered or transsexual.

Transgendered Emergence is for the clinician, not for me.


Sandra Samons has now written a book on the subject of counseling the TG/TS patient,

“When the Opposite Sex Isn’t.”

While it was written for the counseling psychologist who otherwise hasn’t a clue as to what to do with a TG/TS patient, it is also very useful for the patient. It will tell you about Sandra’s experiences in dealing with the transgendered for over a decade and it will tell you what to expect from a therapist. I highly recommend it.

What’s it like to walk on both sides of the gender spectrum sometimes as a man and sometimes as a woman? This is the kind of question that gets asked by those who are naive yet curious. My answer, as a transgendered woman, is; “I don’t know.” Though I have a male body, for as long as I can remember, I have thought of myself as female. I hide it well, even though I don’t relate well to guys doing guy things. My heart aches to have a doll collection. When I see a beautiful woman, my thoughts are; “how can I be more like her.”


Men and women are truly different. In body, it’s obvious. In the mind, where you can’t see it, it’s no less profound. Looking across the gender spectrum, probably 99.9% of men are congruent with being men and 99.9% of women are congruent with being women. These men have absolutely no interest in putting on a dress and the women have no interest in being men. Their gender and sex are congruent. 
 This is at the heart of the misunderstanding the general public has about us as transgendered women. They have no comprehension of what it is like to walk in our shoes. (No pun intended.) They can't even imagine it. Many are even revulsed by the idea because it is so foreign to who they are. What woman would want to be a man? What man would want to be a woman? Yet here we are, women on the inside struggling to make the person we see in the mirror congruent with our inner selves. 



Being married and transgendered further complicates the situation. On the one hand our spouses have expectations of us as men and specifically as husbands. On the other hand we are transgendered. Denial, purges, prayer, nothing seems to change who we are inside. 




I was once scolded by one of my wife’s friends who had heard that I sometimes wore
women’s clothes. If she only knew. I had no interest in getting into a discussion with her but she did get me thinking about how could I ever explain my conundrum? How can this make sense to those who are congruent as males or females?


Imagine, as a mind game, that a beautiful genetic woman is made to look like a man; short hair cut, no makeup, no jewelry, no earrings, takes testosterone, has no breasts, grows a beard or shaves every day wears male clothes lowers her voice and walks like a soldier. Next, she's told this is who she is for the rest of her life which means, among other things, that all her relationships will change. Other women will look upon her as a man; i.e., one of them, useful but not girl friend material. She will also now have to relate to men as one of them. 

Remember that through all of this, in her mind, she is still a woman. Every time she looks in the mirror, every time she puts on her clothed every time she comes in contact with another person, who she is and who she appears to be are in diametric opposition. This is truly a recipe for disaster. Welcome to being transgendered.




This is what I wrote Amanda Richards after she did a makeover and photo shoot on me in 2006:



“I can't express how much I appreciated your artistry in doing my makeover. When I first saw myself in the mirror, I didn't recognize the woman smiling back at me. I saw a beautiful woman, young, modern, vibrant, classy, elegant and sophisticated looking like she had just stepped out of the pages of Elle Magazine. My smile for the rest of the day was real, I felt like I've never felt before. I was the woman in the mirror. I was the woman I had always dreamed I could be. Even that night when I looked in the mirror, I saw this same beautiful woman smiling back at me. 

Jim Bridges taught me a lot but you brought my face to a totally new level. Your color palette is so different from what I've been using that I'm going to have to get the complete MAC kit before I can even start to reproduce my new look. I have so much to learn but the wonderful result you showed me gives me the encouragement to get started. Amanda, you've turned the clock back 30 years! I want to look spectacular. 




“Last year I watched a reality program called the Swan, where a group of women who considered themselves flawed, ugly and rejected were put through a rigor of diet, exercise, face lifts etc., never seeing themselves in a mirror until the final reveal. Dressed to the nines, they finally saw themselves for the first time as the beautiful women they had become. Watching the program I could feel their joy, elation and even disbelief as they saw themselves for the first time. Now, I truly know how they felt because I too was that woman. 

The photo shoot, seeing my new self in various outfits, is a wonderful 
remembrance of the day. I see myself in the green dot dress as elegant and sophisticated. With the corset pulled tight, my shape is so feminine. How I felt in the wedding gown is beyond words. I shall never be a bride, but wearing such an elegant and beautiful gown has always been a fantasy that has now been given life. Thinking back over the day and reviewing my pictures, I want to cry with joy.




“The need for congruence as a woman is very strong.”

This is what I wrote Amanda Richards after she did a makeover and photo shoot on me.



I can't express how much I appreciated your artistry in doing my makeover. When I first saw myself in the mirror, I didn't recognize the woman smiling back at me. I saw a beautiful woman, young, modern, vibrant, classy, elegant and sophisticated looking like she had just stepped out of the pages of Elle Magazine. My smile for the rest of the day was real, I felt like I've never felt before. I was the woman in the mirror. I was the woman I had always dreamed I could be. Even that night when I looked in the mirror, I saw this same beautiful woman smiling back at me. 

Jim Bridges taught me a lot but you brought my face to a totally new level. Your color palette is so different from what I've been using that I'm going to have to get the complete MAC kit before I can even start to reproduce my new look. I have so much to learn but the wonderful result you showed me gives me the encouragement to get started. 



Amanda, you've turned the clock back 30 years! I'm now totally dedicated to getting that last 30 off. I want to look spectacular. 

Last year I watched a reality program called the Swan, where a group of women who considered themselves flawed, ugly and rejected were put through a rigor of diet, exercise, face lifts etc., never seeing themselves in a mirror until the final reveal. Dressed to the nines, they finally saw themselves for the first time as the beautiful women they had become. Watching the program I could feel their joy, elation and even disbelief as they saw themselves for the first time. Now, I truly know how they felt because I too was that woman. 



The photo shoot, seeing my new self in various outfits, is a wonderful 
remembrance of the day. I see myself in the green dot dress as elegant and sophisticated. With the corset pulled tight, my shape is so feminine. How I felt in the wedding gown is beyond words. I shall never be a bride, but wearing such an elegant and beautiful gown has always been a fantasy that has now been given life. Thinking back over the day and reviewing my pictures, I want to cry with joy.

 Thank you so much and God bless you.

 With love, your sister Jen

Check out the YouTube video that my TS friend Carolyn Solo, aka, Carolyn Samuels, aka, Carolyn. . . Oh well never mind, did from my pictures.

Click here to see my video

Jennifer

I was in Portland, OR a few weeks ago. I dined at the London Grill, a 4 Diamond restaurant, as Jennifer and took an extra day on the end of the trip to meet with Gina, a VC sister. She took off work early and we met at the Lloyd Center Mall. What a lovely lady, smiling, polished and petite, she looks just like her picture. We sat down over coffee and shared our life stories as transgendered women. It fascinates me that, though our lives are all so very different, we have so much in common as transgendered women that we bond very quickly.

From there we did some light shopping ending up at the M.A.C. counter where I bought some makeup base I was running out of and Gina worked with the "goth" sales girl to find a lip pencil and eye shadow. Finished, we headed for dinner at Andine's a Chilean specialty restaurant where we shared appetizers and a meal. Then off to a nearby dance club that could only be described as seedy and loud, loud. Did I say loud. Loud enough that the seat you sat on vibrated, you couldn't hear yourself think and talk was impossible. We lasted a couple of hours (we must have enjoyed it) dancing, cooling off and then dancing again. My feet were still swollen and blistered from SCC and walking in heels for 9 days so I was dancing in my stocking feet. The only down side of this was a lot of girls brought their drinks to the dance floor and thoroughly sloshed the floor with them. I think I found every puddle.

Gina and I retired to the Rinsky Korsacoffee House which was a total contrast. It was so quiet you could talk in hushed tones even with classical music playing in the background. We ended the night with a hug about 1:30 am. Our waitress penned us this poem with our check:

You two are so sexy,
I hope your night was fun,
I know I'm amazing,
But don't touch my buns!

Thanks,
Maggie

She took our picture which is at my pictures of Jennifer and Friends. What a delightful evening spent as new and dear friends. One we will both remember fondly.

I've just returned from the Southern Comfort Conference, SCC '08. Ahead of SCC, I flew as Jennifer to Florida and spent several days with a dear friend and TG sister in the Vanity Club.

All told, I spent 9 days 24/7 as Jennifer. I flew from Austin, TX to Jacksonville, FL in two flights as Jennifer. I felt totally at home as my female self and had no problems with TSA or anyone else. As best I can tell, I am perceived as a female, which is my objective.

My TG friend and I drove to Tampa for a day. She introduced me to her favorite wig store where I found a new look, actually the same as my "old" look but as a strawberry blond. In my new hair we met up with a professional photographer who took the pictures in my latest post here at MySpace. That evening we met up for dinner with a couple of members of the Vanity Club who are in the Tampa area.

The following day we drove to Atlanta and SCC.

This year there were some excellent seminars.

Michelle Cooper talked about herself as a non transitioning transsexual.

Ann Grogan (Romantasy Corsets) had two sessions on what we do to get "read." She asked me to be one of her models. For me it was hard to do it wrong but I was a good sport. She had canvassed her female friends about what triggered them to recognize a trans woman. The results were somewhat unexpected and very helpful.

Donna Rose held a seminar on how we can best tell our story. it was excellent. She is the author of "Wrapped in Blue," a must read for every transgendered woman.

I attended an excellent session on wig care and styling.

And finally, I attended Kathe Perez's session on developing your female voice. I had a private follow up private session with Kathe and plan to use her CDs and lots of practice to develop my feminine voice. She is a must for anyone wanting to present themselves as a woman.

On the fun side I attended a wine tasting party. The VC girls had a private dinner. The next evening several of us went out to dinner and to the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra concert. The same group of us went dining and dancing the following night at an Atlanta night club. At the end of the night I discovered I had blistered the top of my foot with my heels. I fixed the shoe and taped over the blister so I could continue in heels.

On my last day out I drove to Birmingham, AL and had dinner at a Ruth's Crist Steak House. The girls at the desk loved my beautiful dress and my waiter recognized and enjoyed my Opium perfume.

That's the "what we did" side. But what was so wonderful for me was doing it all as Jennifer. I am so comfortable as a woman and enjoy my interaction with and acceptance by other women. Jennifer is outgoing and confident and quite good looking. I'm satisfied I can live as a woman. I never tired of it in those 9 days, even though getting myself together took time. I'm not telling you I'm going to transition but I am saying I need time to express myself as Jennifer.

One of my Vanity Club sisters who also attended the Southern Comfort Conference (SCC '07) for transgendered women (and men) sent me the following note:


"I loved your look, adored your clothes and just thought you were the best dressed woman at the convention. And I make those comments with all sincerity. Amanda worked her wonder, but you brought the mindset...that look. Absolutely wonderful."
What she saw was everything I had hoped for. 

I went to SCC '07 not knowing exactly what to expect but knowing that this might be my only opportunity to present Jennifer to my VC sisters and to the world of transgendered women. My expectations for the conference were met times ten. 

I sent the following message to my VC sisters about SCC:



My dear Sisters,

I've just returned from attending SCC '07 my first T girl conference in over 25 years. I wish you could all have been there. It was so special to meet and share a dinner with 25 of our VC sisters most of whom I had never met in person but felt an immediate kinship with. 

For me the conference was inspiring. First, for the many gorgeous T women I saw and met. The hotel was filled with many of the celebrities of our world. One moment I was face to face with Dr. Marci Bowers and was being introduced to her. Drs. O and Z had a following of beautiful T women whom they had helped with facial feminization surgery. 

Three days in fem was a record for this girl. A record I intend to break. By the final evening my feet were sufficiently swollen from walking in nothing but 4" heels that I could barely get my 4" strappy sandals on my feet. Thanks Amanda for buckling them, I couldn't. The accompanying picture is me in the dress I wore for the final evening's festivities. This was another first, my first time out in a formal gown. Can you tell I loved every moment of it?

Flying home I couldn't hold back the tears thinking about how I had been blessed in so many ways. I encourage all of you to make it to an SCC some day. You too will be blessed. 


As I reflected further on my experience at SCC and the conundrum of being transgendered I wrote the following:

Lynn Conway estimates that transsexuals are roughly 1:1,000 to 
1:2,500 of the population. No wonder the general population has so much trouble understanding us. 

We are not transgendered as a Halloween prank. We are, yes, a spectrum, from men who are satisfied to spend only part of their lives as women to the full blown transsexuals. I highly recommend Lynn's web site "Transsexual Women's Successes" if you're not familiar with it.


Looking across the gender spectrum, probably 99.9% of men are congruent with being men and 99.9% of women are congruent with being women. These men have absolutely no interest in putting on a dress and the women have no interest in being men. Their gender and sex are congruent. 

This is at the heart of the misunderstanding the general public has about transgendered women. They have no comprehension of what it is like to walk in our shoes. (No pun intended.) They can't even imagine it. Many are even revulsed by the idea because it is so foreign to who they are. What woman would want to be a man? What man would want to be a woman? Yet here we are, women on the inside struggling to make the person we see in the mirror congruent with our inner selves. 

Being married and transgendered further complicates the situation. On the one hand our spouses have expectations of us as men and specifically as husbands. On the other hand we are transgendered. Denial, purges, prayer, nothing seems to change who we are inside. 



I was once scolded by one of my wife's friends who had heard that I sometimes wearing women's clothes. If she only knew. I had no interest in getting into a discussion with her but she did get me thinking about how could I ever explain my conundrum?

How can this conundrum make sense to those who are congruent as males or females? Imagine, as a mind game, that a beautiful genetic woman is made to look like a man; short hair cut, no makeup, no jewelry, no earrings, takes testosterone, has no breasts, grows a beard or shaves every day wears male clothes lowers her voice and walks like a soldier. Next, she's told this is who she is for the rest of her life which means, among other things, that all her relationships will change. Other women will look upon her as a man; i.e., one of them, useful but not girl friend material. She will also now have to relate to men as one of them. 

Remember that through all of this, in her mind, she is still a woman. Every time she looks in the mirror, every time she puts on her clothed every time she comes in contact with another person, who she is and who she appears to be are in diametric opposition. This is truly a recipe for disaster. Welcome to being transgendered.



What's it like to walk on both sides of the gender spectrum sometimes as a man and sometimes as a woman? This is the kind of question that gets asked by those who are naive yet curious. My answer, as a transgendered woman, is; "I don't know." Though I have a male body, for as long as I can remember, I have thought of myself as female. I hide it well, even though I don't relate well to guys doing guy things. My heart aches to have a doll collection. When I see a beautiful woman, my thoughts are; "how can I be more like her."

The keynote speaker at the SCC Saturday Luncheon was Jenn Burleton, herself a transexual woman, who works with children in the Portland, OR area whose gender and sex are in conflict. She reports (and I have read elsewhere) that children as early as 3 years old have been known to display gender/sex conflict. Not dealing with this can make them depressed, despondent and even suicidal (don‚t we know). The book, "Mom I want to be a Girl" is a good example of the conundrum faced by transgendered youth.

Barbara Walters recently explored the issue of transgendered children in a TV special. Oprah just interviewed a 21 year old T girl who has transitioned. She knew something was wrong at a very early age. On the same program Oprah had a 16 year old T boy who had been depressed over being anatomically a girl. He had mastectomy surgery earlier this year. Both were happy in their new genders. 

Oprah has a follow on program October 12 where we will get to meet husbands and fathers who have become women, and their families. 



Growing up I prayed to God to make me a girl when I woke up. I wore my mom‚s clothes whenever I could and ultimately had my own. It wasn't until my late 30s though that I started seriously experimenting, asking myself the question what would I look like as a woman and could I fit into the normal spectrum of women? 

I saw the full spectrum at SCC. For this discussion I will ignore the too numerous guys with pot bellies wearing a wig and a dress. The Vanity Club girls are a good example of men who would be or are women. There were many women at SCC that you could only guess they were transsexual because they were tall and they were there. Many of them were gorgeous women by any standard. Next, there were a few drop dead gorgeous TS women and finally a few beautiful girls whom you would never read as transsexual even attending SCC. These girls probably transitioned early before testosterone ravaged their looks or they have gone through facial feminization surgery. 

I arrived at lunch Friday a bit late and looked around for someone who would be interesting to have lunch with who had an open seat next to her. I found a delightful young woman who recognizes her transsexuality but for family and work reasons has not transitioned. She is on the SCC working committee and gets out only about the 4 times a year when she attends SCC committee meetings and for SCC itself. 

I also met and shook hands with Dr. Marci Bowers, herself a OBGYN who transitioned in her 40's and has taken over where Dr. Biber left off. (She was also on Oprah's recent program.) 


I certainly don't know the answers but this is what's been going through my head since SCC. As I thought about those 3 days as Jennifer on the plane ride home I cried quietly to myself. I don't think the full impact of SCC has hit me even yet. In the last year I started loosing weight, learned makeup skills from a pro, built a new wardrobe and am now considering facial feminization surgery. I have come a long way. The need for congruence as a woman is very strong.

This was written by my transgender therapist. I hope it is helpful.

Building Your Own Prison: The Use of External Structure to Reinforce
Suppression of Transgender Feelings and Behaviors

Sandra L. Samons, Ph.D.
(From the journal Gender and Psychoanalysis, Volume 6 2 Spring 2001)

Clinical observations suggest that male-to-female (MTF) transgendered individuals often use contragender-negative reinforcement to conceal their transgender feelings from others and to support the rejection of these transgender feelings within themselves. However, this remains a theoretical construct that does not appear to have been addressed in research. As a means of controlling, concealing or compensating for these feelings, the person may exhibit an exaggerated transgender negativity, a general disdain for sexual diversity, and/or may exhibit hypermasculine behaviors that serve as a facade to conceal his internal feminine feelings. He may make commitments in his male gender role that are difficult to alter at a later time in his life, when making changes toward a female gender role may appear more desirable. These early decisions become obstacles to change and become a significant factor in the timing of when the person will address his transgender identity. They also make the treatment process more complicated.
Sandra Samons is a 1976 graduate of the University of Michigan School of Social Work (MSW) and has a Ph.D. from San Francisco's Institute For Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. She is in private clinical practice in Ann Arbor, MI, specializing in issues related to transgender identity.

When a MTF transgendered person enters psychotherapy to address his gender identity issues, a personal history will often reveal that the person has made pivotal choices in the past. These life choices may have been made in a deliberate effort to eradicate his transgender feelings, or in the naive hope that suppressing the transgender feelings will make them disappear in time, as the individual matures. There are several commonly observed ways in which a transgendered individual can do this. These include pursuit of a career choice that is male dominated and characteristically chauvinistic, such as enlistment in military service, adopting a hypermasculine presentation, marriage and choice of marriage partner, and involvement in a religion that prohibits as sinful the expression of sexual diversity. Such choices create external support for his efforts to keep his transgender feelings securely locked in a closet.
Arising from the lexicon of the homosexual community, the terms closeted or being in/out of the closet refer to the individual being either open or secretive about his sexual preferences. Although it is usually thought of in the social context, the term closeted can be used to refer to either the psychological or the social compartmentalization of awarenesses, feelings, or behaviors, in this case those related to being transgendered. It involves a conscious effort to suppress these feelings from one's own immediate awareness and to conceal them from the attention of others. More rarely, awareness may even be repressed, that is, unavailable to the individual until something triggers a breakthrough into consciousness. When the compartmentalization is psychological, the individual will usually have access to these awarenesses and feelings but will consciously and deliberately attempt to suppress them by focusing his attention elsewhere, ignoring or denying their presence to self.
When the individual is in touch with these feelings but chooses to keep them private, he may act on them in selected secretive ways, and may even be open about them with certain people or in certain situations. Thus, a person may be closeted about being transgendered in all or only in selected parts of his life. In situations where personal safety is at risk, the choice to remain closeted may imply that the person has good reality testing skills. Being closeted may also reflect a decision to live with feelings of shame, fear, and avoidance of intimacy rather than risk experiencing other unpleasant emotions associated with disapproval or rejection. A distinction should be made between preserving personal privacy and harboring a shameful secret, but being closeted may include elements of both. It should also be noted that this choice is not without cost and may become too costly or impossible for the individual to sustain over time.
A closet can be a wonderful thing. It can provide a safe haven, a place that is yours alone, a place where you can be and do entirely as you please without any consideration for others. There is no risk of ridicule or rejection. Some transgendered people guard their secret possessively at given periods in their life, literally holding it close to the heart and preferring not to share it with anyone else. Among those who enter treatment, this is a fairly common part of the individual's early history. However, since the person is seeking help for transgender feelings, the comfort of the secret closet evidently did not continue beyond a certain point in life.
Once the individual begins to accept his transgender and wishes to reexamine options for transgender expression, the closet becomes a trap. As feelings begin to break free from the confinement of suppression-repression, the conflict intensifies between the desire for female gender expression and the fear of potential negative consequences. Clinical levels of depression and anxiety can develop.
Male pronouns are being used in this discussion when referring to the MTF transgendered person. While this runs the risk of offending some transgendered people, it is not done with that intent. The best policy is to respect the wishes of the client regarding how the person would like to be addressed, including the use of a male or female name. Whatever the choice, the pronouns should match. When a client is still very closeted, by choice or otherwise, it is frequently the client's preference to be addressed in keeping with his male gender presentation. Any other approach by the therapist could be perceived as an attempt to move the client along faster than the client is prepared to go. If the client is suggestible to any degree, it could cloud the direction of therapy. If and when the client begins to break down his self-constructed prison and explore the female gender role, therapist and client can reconsider the use of name and pronouns. Since the focus of this discussion is the closeted person, the use of male pronouns seems to be appropriate.
Sexual orientation, gender identity and gender role are fundamental aspects of human sexuality. Because they are closely intertwined, the distinction between them can be a source of confusion for the mental health therapist as well as the transgendered person. It may be helpful to begin by thinking of them separately.
The term sexual orientation refers to which gender the individual is erotically attracted. Traditionally, this has been defined as heterosexual or homosexual, and more recently also includes bisexual, but this, too, is problematic when applied to transgendered or intersexed people (having gonadal, hormonal, or chromosomal conditions that result in physical characteristics that are neither exclusively male nor female).
The term gender identity is used here to refer to the gender or sexual identity with which the person identifies and, as such, is treated as a mental construct independent of the physical form of the body, although, for most people, gender identity is consistent with the body form and genitals. Regardless of how we are perceived by others, most of us have an internal sense of self that includes whether the self is male of female. It is a core construct of personality and may be thought of as how the continuum of masculinity and femininity is perceived and experienced by another person. It is not specifically about eroticism, although most people are more inclined to feel erotic when they see themselves as appearing attractive in the gender role that matches self-perceived gender identity.
The term gender role refers to how one presents one's self to the world, usually as either male or as female, functioning in social roles associated with a particular gender, and how one's gender is perceived by others. A gender role different from one's natal sex can be played in life, as it can be played on the stage. For most of us, gender role, gender identity, and natal sex are the same. A transgendered person appears to lack this congruence, often from earliest memory, and is usually taught from birth to play a gender role that is congruent with their genitals but incongruent with their core gender identity. An individual may find this dysphoric and increasingly difficult to sustain over time, and may eventually choose to transition, to change his gender role and perhaps his body, sometimes in the face of enormous odds. He may no longer have the emotional energy required to maintain the closet. He may seek outside help either to reinforce the closet or to find a way to break out of it.
It is probable that there are some individuals who remain reasonably content with secret feelings of transgender for their entire life. We have no way of knowing, because these individuals are not available to be counted. They do not attend transgender support groups or conferences. They do not show up in a therapist's office, requesting help. They remain hidden in plain sight. There is no reason for them to reveal themselves and they may have many personal reasons to remain closeted. We can only speculate that such individuals do exist. The ones we do know about are the ones who either have become exhausted from the expenditure of emotional energy required to maintain the closet, or who have reached a point in life where the closet no longer looks as attractive as it once did. New information may reveal options of which the person was previously unaware. The closet may no longer serve so useful a purpose.
Many MTF transgendered people seek professional assistance when they find themselves needing help in reinforcing a flagging internal structure for suppressing identification with femininity. This approach to treatment can give the appearance of being the most helpful measure when the person does not yet accept his own transgender. However, when the client is already demonstrating an inability to sustain suppression, attempts to reinforce it usually prove to be nothing more than a Band-Aid. The therapist must be honest with the client about indications for and against this approach and needs to express the concern that it may not be helpful for any length of time: the transgender feelings are not going to go away. A contract can be developed with criteria for reasonable reality testing and an agreement to try a different approach if the client becomes satisfied that reinforcing suppression is not effective in this case. This is respectful of the client's goals and honest on the part of the therapist at the same time.
The typical age range for MTF transgendered people to seek therapy is between 35 and 50 years. Recently, however, some therapists have begun to report that clients are more often entering treatment at an earlier age (Brown and Rounsley, 1996; Ettner, 1999). Improved availability of information about transgender and a decrease in the social taboo surrounding it may help to account for this. Despite the sleaziness that is often associated with television talk shows and despite how frequently transgender is misrepresented in that venue, such exposure has weakened the taboo against talking about it and increased public awareness of the presence of transgender in the general population. While we recognize that negative social attitudes toward sexual minorities influence lack of self-acceptance, it is impossible to evaluate how far these influences reach until the absence of these attitudes makes it clear. At the same time, although the numbers appear to be shifting, the above mentioned age range is still the norm. It is also the people in this age range or older who have usually made the most concerted efforts to avoid dealing with transgender earlier in their lives.
One possible way for an individual to reinforce suppression of transgender feelings is through career choice. This decision typically takes place during late adolescence and early adulthood, a time when the transgendered person may well struggle the most with a core transgender identity. Choosing a career to reinforce suppression can be an easy decision, as there are numerous possible careers where being discovered as a cross dresser would be disastrous, and transitioning from male to female out of the question (Brown, 1988). Examples of careers that can serve this function include such things as auto mechanic, commercial pilot, or law enforcement officer (less so for the latter choice, as there have been a few notable examples of individuals who have broken ground in this field). Individuals have joined the family business, which has served to keep them under the influence of their primary male role model and also creates a higher level of parental investment in the son's male identity. This gives the son an increased sense of obligation not to disappoint or embarrass the father. Over time, as the father ages, he may come to depend more and more on the son, also making it harder for the son to disengage. If the parent's health becomes fragile, this increases the pressure.
A career such as forensic chemistry offers another example. In such a situation, the person will have invested greatly in a career that could be significantly damaged by the secret being revealed or by coming out in order to transition. If the person is required to testify in criminal cases, an opposing attorney could attempt to use the issue of transgender to undermine his credibility. This is only one example among many of a career that reinforces the closet to the point where the closet becomes a prison.
This brings up two other important points. First, when an employee wants to transition at work, whether or not the employee has direct contact with customers or the public often makes a huge difference in how willing the employer is to support the employee. It is one thing for the employer to deal with the issue internally, among the transgendered person's coworkers. It is quite another thing if the employer must be concerned about the reaction of customers or the public, which is harder to manage and could result in complaints or even loss of business. The result is that young transgendered people lack positive role models with which to validate their transgender identity.
The second point has to so with the common misperception of emotional or psychological instability on the part of transgendered people, who are as stable or unstable as anyone else. They can be more susceptible to disorders related to depression or anxiety, these being a reaction to membership in a group that historically has been treated with revulsion or ridicule in our society. While it is true that mental health professionals themselves have no particular immunity to mental health problems of their own, their credibility rests on the public perception that they are personally stable. Sadly, the mental health field is among the most hostile professions for a transgendered person who wished to be open, and especially to transition. As if fearful that the distinction between client and caregiver will be lost, mental health agencies tend to be very reluctant to support transgendered workers. However, agencies in large urban areas and especially agencies that serve sexual minorities are less likely to be vulnerable in this way. In the latter setting, employing members of the community being served can become an asset to the agency. Through these employees, acceptance of gender and sexual minorities is demonstrated, while positive role models and hope for successful, productive lives is offered to clients. Only recently have transgendered people made progress in this area, as may be observed by the fact that several transgendered mental health professionals have become members of The Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association (HBIGDA) (Meyer et al, 2001), the primary organization in the world that deals with these issues on a professional level.
Enlisting in the military is a common way in which a MTF transgendered person makes a closet into a prison. The enlistment is designed to "make a man of him." This is often the hope of the transgendered individual, and if his family members are aware of his transgender issues, they may share this same hope. Based on the reports of numerous clients, it simply does not work. True, with no opportunity to engage in contragender behavior, it will succeed in temporarily suppressing the behavior. It will also reinforce the perceptions of others that this is indeed a manly man, providing social validation for this method of dealing with transgender feelings. However, the typical outcome is that the urges return, perhaps with even greater intensity, once the opportunity is present again. And sometimes the individual does not wait for that to happen, but may take unwise risks or become creative in finding opportunities to engage in feminine expression.
Hobbies such as hunting and fishing, and macho behavior in general are used to hide internal femininity. To the extent that family members and friends have an image of the person as masculine in the extreme, the harder it will be later to give credibility to the person when he comes out and seeks acceptance of his transgendered self from these people. The announcement of wishing to transition seems contradictory and inconceivable to them, frivolous at best and insane at worst.
Marriage and a religion that considers sexual diversity sinful can also be means of building a closet that becomes a prison. These are choices that can function independently or in concert. Many young MTF transgendered people get married in the belief that marriage will make the gender identity issues go away. Like many of us, they fail to understand the distinction between gender identity, gender role, and sexual orientation. They enter marriage in good faith and may also have children while they continue their painful struggle with secret internal conflict about gender identity.
In other cases, transgendered people will marry and have children, knowing the trans issues will probably not go away, but believing that he can keep the expression of the feelings to a minimum and maintain the secret, He does this out of the same desire to have a family that motivates others, but with the fear that if he told his prospective wife about the transgender in advance, she would never marry him and he would never have the opportunity to have a family life. Later, when she does find out, she will probably not only object to the transgender itself, but will feel betrayed and lied to for not being told in advance. The marriage trust will be broken as she wonders what else he hasn't told her. She may resent that she was robbed of the opportunity to have a more conventional life with a different husband (Cole et al, 2000).
It is not uncommon for a transgendered person to marry a woman who is extremely unlikely to ever accept transgender in any form. This woman may also be committed to a fundamentalist religious belief system that would never accept transgender. The transgendered husband may even join her in that faith. Imagine a scenario in which a MTF transgendered person in mid-suppression marries a woman who belongs to such a faith and he converts to be able to worship with her. Imagine she was brought up in that faith and that her entire extended family and entire social circle and support system is within this faith. We will not even attempt to make this closet stronger with a career choice and a highly macho presentation. Imagine the fear and anxiety that would be aroused in the transgendered husband by the very thought of disclosing his transgender to his wife in this situation. How truly effective this would be in reinforcing suppression, how formidable an obstacle to change!
Consequently, the person may take considerably longer than he would otherwise have taken to reach the point where he risks coming out and being more open about his transgender, regardless of the consequences. His parents may now be elderly, so he must worry about the impact this disclosure would have on them, not just the risk of their possible rejection. The children are now old enough to be solidly involved in the family faith, so he has to worry not only about the harmful effect his disclosure might have on them, but the risk that they might reject him. Furthermore, children who are coming to terms with having a transgendered parent are directly affected by the reaction of the other parent, to such an extent that this can be the decisive factor in their ability to adjust. Think about how a wife in this circumstance would have a strong commitment to marriage, but even if she was willing to stay with her husband in the face of social disapproval, she too would risk rejection and ostracism by her extended family and entire support system. This closet has unquestionably become a prison. It was a closet while he wanted to be in it, but it is a prison once he wants to exit but cannot. Transgendered people have been known to suicide in such a situation.
Why does the MTF transgendered person so often wait until well established in an adult male role before venturing out of the closet or trying to break out of his self-made prison? Is it just a matter of needing less social acceptance as he matures? While that is unquestionably a factor, several other factors are at work here as well. Information is much more readily available in today's world, but it is still more easily accessed by adults than by children, so obtaining needed information about transgender may take a few years of adulthood to accomplish. Along with information comes misinformation that takes time to sort through. This is especially true for information obtained from the internet, but is also true for outdated books available in libraries.٭
The need for a few adult years to obtain and sort out information is especially important if our concept of information includes finding means of access to other transgendered people. Such contact with others who feel the same way can prove to be a tremendous confidence builder and support for most transgendered people, especially early in the process of self-discovery. However, if this person is unprepared and this first experience turns out to be an encounter with a segment of the world of transgender with which he cannot identify, it may also be a major turn off. There is a tremendous amount of diversity within this population and he may be frightened until he learns more about this diversity. For example, if he prefers an androgynous appearance or wishes to pass easily in public as female, and his first experience with a peer support group brings him face to face for the first time with drag queens and others who, for whatever reason, simply look to him like "guys in dresses," he may feel revulsion and not identify at all with these people. He may even be confronted with his own worst fears about himself....that he too might never look like anything but a guy in a dress. An experience like this could result in further delay in facing his transgender issues, with possible further reinforcement of his prison/closet.
٭The International Foundation for Gender Education (IFGE) is a peer resource and an excellent source of information. They can be reached at: P.O. Box 540229, Waltham, MA 02454-0229; phone: 781-899-2212 or email: .

Then, there is the matter of each individual's level of emotional maturity, including the capacity for introspection and the ability to stand alone in the face of opposition, whether from parent, friends, or society in general. The gender identity therapist must take personality traits into account when helping the client to assess his situation and decide how to proceed. Does the person tend to be cautious or does he take risks? Is he comfortable with a lot of solitude or is he an extrovert who feels a strong need for human companionship? Is he a concrete thinker or does he have a high tolerance for ambiguity? Is he inclined to be self-reliant or dependent? Is he trusting or distrustful? Is he flamboyant or unobtrusive? Is he confident or fearful and unsure of himself? These traits will influence how he reacts to initial information he obtains about transgender, how quickly he considers coming out, and how well he copes with the subsequent challenges he encounters.
Confrontation of his own internalized homophobia and transphobia will also play a part in the timing of this coming out process. We are all exposed to these forces in varying ways throughout our formative years and after. The degree to which this poses a problem for the individual depends in part on geographic and cultural influences. We know that this kind of learning can happen in a variety of ways, overt and subtle. Exposure to negative stereo types in motion pictures is an example of how one learns cultural norms. These influences can shape our attitudes in positive as well as negative ways.
Clinicians who specialize in transgender identity issues have speculated about the seemingly increased need to come out of the closet during the middle years as representing a sort of mid-life crisis. Although it does not tend to have the character of the "middle-aged crazy" phenomenon, there may be an element of truth in this assessment. Emotional exhaustion from the sustained effort at suppression can gradually undermine the MTF transgendered person's ability to maintain the defensive system needed to contain transgender desires. As the years go by, there is a growing realization that life is passing by and he has not explored his transgendered self. The person experiences an increasing sense of despair that the opportunity will fade away altogether. There can be risk of the person bursting out of the closet too fast, in a manner that is not well thought out and is potentially self-defeating. A transgender therapist must be prepared for the possible need to reign in the client until the best approach to coming out can be more carefully considered.
In contrast, there are some transgendered people who build up so many exaggerated fears about what would happen if they came out of the closet that what they imagine is far worse than is likely in actual reality They become like someone looking in the window of the candy store but never daring to go in and sample the fare. Although it is usually not appropriate for a therapist to push a client in any particular direction, there are times when a nudge is indicated. Just getting this client across the threshold of the closet door can result in the client experiencing a tremendous sense of relief. For some clients, that is all that is needed, but for others, a cautious nudge at each benchmark is required. Being fearful of experimenting with new behaviors may represent a personality pattern that is consistently exhibited by the client, but the therapist should also examine the possibility that these fears could be an indication of underlying ambivalence.
Is it possible that lack of success in the male role can be a factor in the desire to change gender roles? This does not usually appear to be the case. More typically, MTF transgendered people have been quite successful in the male role, sometimes so much so that it is difficult to convince people who know them that this is not a spur of the moment impulse, as was commented upon above. For those who have not experienced this success, it then becomes a chicken or egg question. Does the person want to change to the female gender role because of lack of success in the male role, or has the person been unsuccessful in the male role because of the underlying female gender identity? Most men who have been unsuccessful in the male role for other reasons just get depressed or angry about their failures. They don't appear to see becoming female as a solution. However, some MTF transgendered people report that they never felt motivated to invest in a gender role with which they could not identify.
The fields of biology and genetics still have a great deal to contribute to our understanding of gender. One theory in current favor suggests that all forms of transgender could be prenatally determined, perhaps by variations in the delivery of hormones to the developing fetus at one or more critical times. If this proves to be the case, then we will have to view transgender as a special form of intersexuality, located in the brain. Many transgendered people already define themselves this way, insisting that this fits better with their internal experience than any other explanation.
This discussion has been entirely predicated on the concept that being transgendered does not preclude the person being a psychologically stable individual. Clinically this is true for the majority of transgendered people. The caveat mentioned above bears repetition. When a minority group, especially a sexual minority in our society, is subjected to social disrespect, rejection, and discrimination, this affects the emotional well-being of the individual members of that minority group. It creates a higher level of stress in life, and predisposes the individual to reactive depression and anxiety, and feelings of being unworthy. Of course, an unrelated comorbid mental health issue can be present. Being transgendered does not afford the individual automatic immunity for all the other ills of the general population. When such a condition does exist, it must be treated concurrently with the transgender and, while not prohibitive of gender transition, it does require extra caution on the part of the therapist. It is necessary for the therapist to be certain that the gender issues are not symptomatic of the other condition, as is sometimes the case with the diagnosis of schizophrenic disorders, and can also be a feature of bipolar disorder or of borderline personality disorder on occasion. However, this does not appear to be the norm and should not make a therapist excessively reluctant to treat transgender issues.
In conclusion, it appears that the far-reaching effects of negative social attitudes toward sexual minorities and lack of understanding of transgender issues are major factors in the lack of self-acceptance and fear of ridicule and rejection that prompt many transgendered individuals to stay in the closet. We recognize that being closeted, while offering some short term benefits, is costly to the individual and difficult to sustain in the long run. It does offer a degree of safety and privacy from which the person can try to gain understanding of self and make decisions about what to do with his transgender feelings. At the same time, being closeted contributes to the building of a wall of defenses that keep him out of touch with his own conflicted feelings, thus delaying their resolution. The effort to maintain the closet is a drain on emotional energy and limits the capacity of the transgendered person for emotional intimacy with others.
Choice of career, marriage partner, and religious practice, as well as an exaggerated macho presentation, can provide external reinforcement of the closet, but make it harder for the person to come out at a later time. By not addressing transgender issues in a timely manner, the individual goes about building a life that does not take these issues into account. When the issues can no longer be avoided, the person has a confining life structure to tear down and rebuild. The lives of other people are affected more profoundly than would have been the case if the person had faced his transgender earlier.
There is a sense of loss for what must be torn down, guilt about the harm or pain caused to others, and grief about the loss of youthful years that could have been spent as female. An otherwise emotionally stable individual may experience reactive depression and anxiety at being so in conflict with himself and the world around him. As social attitudes become more open and accepting of diversity, we should see positive change in this area. Frank Zappa is alleged to have said, "Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible." That being the case, we may eventually appreciate the increased capacity for creative thinking that we all develop as we become more open to diversity in our fellow human beings.


References

Brown, G.R. (1988), Transsexuals in the military: Flight into hypermasculinity. Arch.
Sex. Behav., 17:527-537.
Brown, M.L., & Rounsley, C.A. (1996), True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism-For
Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals. San Francisco:
Jossey-Bass.
Cole, S.S., Denny, D., Eyler, A.E., & Samons, S.L. (2000), Issues on transgender. In
Psychological Perspectives on Human Sexuality, ed. L.T. Szuchman & F.
Muscarella. New York: John Wiley, pp. 149-195.
Ettner, R. (1999), Gender Loving Care, A Guide to Counseling Gender-Variant Clients.
New York: Norton.
Meyer, W., Bockting, W., Cohen-Kettenis, P., Coleman, E., DiCeglie, D., Devor, H.,
Gooren, L., Hage, J., Kirk, S., Kuiper, B., Laub, D., Lawrence, A., Menard, Y.,
Patton, J., Schaefer, L., Webb, A., & Wheeler, C. (2001), The standards of care
for gender identity disorders-6th ver. Intnat. J. Transgender 5(1). Retrieved from:
www.symposion.com/ijt/soc_01/index.htm

Mailing address:

Sandra L. Samons, M.S.W., Ph.D.
Homestead Counseling Center
1480 Shevchenko Dr.
Ann Arbor, MI 48103-9001USA
Phone: (734) 663-7871
Fax: (734) 663-7441
e-mail: slsamons@umich.edu


References



American Psychiatric Association.
•Diagnostic and statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 3rd Edition (DSM-III) (1980). American Psychiatric Press, Washington DC.

•Diagnostic and statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition (DSM-IV). (1994). American Psychiatric Press, Washington DC.

Brown, G.R. (1988), Transsexuals in the military: flight into hypermasculinity.
Arch. Sex. Behav. 17:527-537.

Brown, M. L., & Rounsley, C. A. (1996). True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism...For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals. Jossey-Bass Publishers, San Francisco.

Cole, S. S., Denny, D., Eyler, A. E., & Samons, S. L. (2000), Issues of transgender. Psychological perspectives on Human Sexuality. Ed. L. T. Szuchman & F. Muscarella. John Wiley & Sons, Inc., New York.

Ettner, R. (1999). Gender Loving Care, A Guide to Counseling Gender Varient Clients. Norton & Co., New York.

Meyer, W., Bockting, W., Cohen-Kettenis, P., Coleman, E., DiCiglie, D., Devor, H., Gooren, L., Hage, J., Kirk, S., Kuiper, B., Laub, D., Lawrence, A., Menard, Y., Patton, J., Schaefer, L., Webb, A., & Wheeler, C. (2001). Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association's Standards of Care for Gender Identity Disorders. 6th Revision. International Journal of Transgender, 5 (1).
Available online at: www.symposion.com/ijt/soc_01/index.htm.
Rottnek, M., Ed. (1999). Sissies and Tomboys: Gender Nonconformity and Homosexual Childhood. New York University Press, N.Y.
Sedgwick, E., (1993). Tendencies. Duke University Press, Durham, NC.


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