July 2008: A Monthly Review

My first On-line Film Festival took off with a bang this month with the premiere showing of Flash! Glow! Sex (Real) and Flash! Glow! Sex (Simulated), and was followed two weeks later by the premier of sPILLAGE. It's great to have the works out there, being seen and generating feedback.

The Fourth of July was yet another holiday that I non-participated in because I was preoccupied with my own actions. If time allowed, I would have checked out the big display they shoot up over the River every year. Firework shows are undeniably 'spectac'. As it was, I only heard those annoying firecrackers that delight juvenile delinquents. It occurs to me that the fourth would be a particularly easy time to shoot somebody because everybody would think the gunfire was just more firecrackers…

My dear friend Beckie Tetrault surprised me with a wonderful gift. She sent me images of three fanciful paintings done in oil-pastel and watercolour that I painted for her years before, when we both attended Alhambra High School in Martinez. I've put them up on one of my Myspace art albums if anyone is curious… The funny thing is, at first, I had no recollection whatsoever of doing the paintings. I thought she had made the art and was dedicating it to me! It's amazing, the high school events that I've blanked on…. perhaps it's post-traumatic shock?

Brian Crisp and I had such a fun time hanging out last month that we decide to restage the event one last time before he escaped to Madison… but this time it fizzled. There was warm rain that evening, which wouldn't have been a bad thing except the old ladies at Seki got neurotic about our wet umbrellas dripping on their floors… and we ordered badly. Natto (fermented soy slime) is going on my permanent NEVER AGAIN list. We also ordered a bowl of raw yams that were euphemistically called 'mountain potatoes'. They were remarkable for their complete lack of flavour… I also learned later that such yams were traditionally used in Japan as a lubricant for anal sex… "good to know… " Afterwards we went back to my place and again cranked up the Amanda Lear and 'camped out'. It was 'okay' but there was a sense of finality to the proceedings as Brian would soon be segueing into his new life in a new city.

Unfortunately my biggest event this July was a wretched health complication that began innocuously enough. I developed a cramping pain in my right calf. It came on without any known cause and seemed to be getting worse, After a few days of walking around with a slight limp, I went to Student health to see a doctor. My regular doctor was out so I saw a visiting intern (I forget his name) who agreed with my 'guessnosis' that it was some sort of muscle pull and basically just told me to take it easy and see what happens.

Two days later the pain became much worse, to the point where just taking a Ibuprofen and ignoring it wasn't an option. At that point I was still able to drive, so back I went to Student Health. This time I saw my regular physician, Dr Winters, who sent me over to another building for a Doppler sonogram. To my dismayed surprise the sonogram found a blood clot in my right leg, in other words Deep Vein Thrombosis! Dr. Winters was surprised too, even though she realized it was a possibility, due to on my symptoms. I'm just glad she played on her hunch and scheduled the sonogram.

So my treatment involved being given a cane and two prescriptions for Lovenox (AKA: heparin) and coumadin (AKA: warfarin). I had to administer the Lovenox myself by stomach injections. That turned out to be much easier and less painful than I would have imagined. The coumadin was simply a pill I had to take once a day. The Lovenox was only for five days while the coumadin was to be taken for at least three months! However as it turned out that course was changed.

For the first day and half I followed the regiment without additional difficulty, but by the time I walked home on the second day, I was in enough pain to be almost incapacitated. That evening I lay in bed with my leg propped up but the pain and swelling only got worse. After a couple hours I realized that I needed urgent care… and my leg was swollen to the point where driving myself to the emergency room was out of the question…. So I called my aunt, Barbara and my uncle, Jerry, who live nearby in St. Charles. I will be eternally grateful to them for the help they gave me in the days that followed. That night they and their friend' Tom, picked me up and took me to the Barnes emergency room where we waited four hours to be seen (sigh)… At the time, I assumed the pain was due entirely to the blood clot, as did the physicians who finally examined me. I was sent home with further instructions and a prescription for Percocet, for pain management.

Since the pain and swelling incapacitated me, I spent the night with Barbara and Jerry in St. Charles. This turned into an extended stay of eight days and nights at their house, plus one night in the hospital, which I will explain presently.

My days with my aunt and uncle in the suburbs were pleasant and quiet. Most of my time was spent either sleeping or resting, but I was able to get up to attend meals, get online and go to the bathroom by using a walker that Tom's wife, Betty, lent me. I had to take my pain medication at close to the maximum allowed dosage in order to function, which partly explains why I was so tired. Sometimes to break the monotony, I would ride in the car with my aunt when she went shopping or sit with my uncle on the back porch and watch the birds in the wooded creek behind their house. In the evenings after dinner the three of us would play Scrabble. If it weren't for the pain and immobility of my injury, my stay would have felt like a retreat in the countryside.

However the swelling didn't go down, rather it was still getting worse. My right leg was now grotesquely swollen and the pain was more than the Percocet could adequately alleviate. On my fourth night in St. Charles, was up the entire night because I was in too much pain to sleep. I made an urgent appointment with Dr. Winters for the next morning. She was shocked to see how worse my leg had become and sent me back over to the Barnes E.R. This time my arrival was heralded by a doctor and I was seen right away… They attempted to perform an MRI on my leg but I couldn't stay still for that long. My leg became terrifyingly numb and I burst into tears. That was probably the single worst incident of this entire ordeal. Instead, they gave me another sonogram, which was much more bearable and supplied similar information. What they discovered was that I large deep hematoma in my leg that was causing my leg to swell up with blood. It was approaching a condition called compartmentalization Syndrome, which would require that my leg be surgically drained of the trapped blood. The doctors were hoping to avoid surgery and kept me overnight in the observation ward. Needless to say, I was immediately taken off the blood thinner, coumadin. It was never made clear to me, which came first, the clot or the hematoma, nor how they were causally related.

The night in the hospital was okay, actually. I was kept on heavy dosage of percocet and slept a lot. The food was okay, especially since I was ravenously hungry all the time, perhaps due to my blood loss. I was still able to get up and use the bathroom next to my room. I felt it was a good idea to remain as mobile as possible and the doctors agreed. This was the first time I'd ever stayed overnight a hospital in my life so I found all the procedures such as m y EKG pads and IV drip to be fascinating. In the morning I had a severe headache so they gave me a CAT scan to rule out any other complications. I was happy to discover that a CAT scan is much faster and less uncomfortable than an MRI. The headache turned out to be nothing and went away after a few hours. Jerry arrived and took me to my home to get fresh clothes and pick up my mail, Then we drove back to St. Charles, where I stayed until the beginning of August.

Enter the SNAP!

This tale was originally written to serve as an explanatory 'creation myth' for the legendary Temple Of sNaP. It is included here for your own edification.

Our story begins in a whorish temple of beauty, beside a lovely grove of willows, where our trio of adventurers first began to snap and be snapped. Some know of even older legends from before the time of the puce elves. Tales of strange lessons learned in the covens of Miss Okawachi and Madame Zelda… but it is not safe to speak of such things, so I will say no more…

From this Temple of the Four Seas, came forth the notorious C.B.G.*, Creamus the Creamy Cremaster (A.K.A. Jane Dough!) and the Marquis of Puddin, so named because he used his stomach to turn a magickal potion of champagne, blackberry wine cooler and scotch into a phantasmagorical black pudding…

There in the product-filled Temple, they experimented with the love oil of Avayduh and 'crystallized energy powder'. They became Sorcerers of Snappery and their hair knew every colour of the spectrum. They would often pay visits to the naughty shop, the new age store and Denny's for supplies and pie.

Sometimes they were joined in their Snapaliciousness by such creatures as Peachy Havarti, the Black Crystal Anti-Rapunzel, Hamrietta, Deanna the White Witch, Mr Ben-Wah (and his doomed goldfish love), Ducky-suit, The 'Mole' and whichever hunky longhair the C.B.G. was currently riding. Creamus had a series of invisible lovers that were never seen… and the Marquis just slept around, did orgies and searched the naughty S.F. ads for master/slave opportunities…

Later, they began to hold black light Sabbaths in the neon-electric castle-apartment of Creamus. They ate the little pieces of paper and followed the trails where they led… be it a Torture Garden in Golden Gate Park, Channard's Asylum in Hell, J Ward in Martinez or a motel room beside the freeway in Dublin. Eventually they all went completely mad… and liked it that way.

Though time has passed, the SNAP remains strong! Sometimes it is art and sometimes it is science. Sometimes it is hot passion and sometimes it is icy cool. Sometimes it laughs and sometimes it cries. Sometimes it whispers and sometimes it screams… BUT IT IS ALWAYS HERE!,,, and now the Temple is reborn on-line. If you are free and brave, come inside and taste the SNAP?!?!

* That would be 'Celestial Bitch Goddess', capiche?.

Two Tales of a City: New York City, 2006 & 2008

New York City: 23-26 June 2006

Friday morning I took Metrolink to Lambert (non-)International Airport, and ate/drank multiple pastries and lattes while I waited out a two hour flight delay. On the plane, I read Augusten Burroughs Magical Thinking, and got great views of Manhattan before we landed. We went over New York Harbor, past Ellis, Governor's and Liberty Islands, and then straight up 6th Avenue, with views of the geometry of Stuyvesant Town/Peter Cooper Village, the Empire State Building, the Chrysler Building, the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the Reservoir, etc. We circled around the Bronx and landed at LaGuardia. There I arranged a Super Shuttle ride to the Gershwin Hotel on 27th street in Midtown. We drove through an unremarkable neighborhood in Queens, over the Queensboro Bridge and down 2nd Avenue. I checked in at the Gershwin and dropped my bags in the room before heading out again. Another tourist stopped me and asked for directions to Greenwich Village. I assumed he meant the West Village and pointed the way. Never mind how absurd it is to be giving directions less than an hour after getting of a plane… The line for the top of the Empire State Building was quite long but I was at least able to avoid the part after security because I'd already bought a ticket on-line. Anyway, the views from the 86th Floor are, of course, grand, but the best part is just being up there. The setting is like an opening shot of a film, perhaps one by Hitchcock… I identified a lot of landmarks: Madison Square Garden, Madison Square Park, the Chrysler Building, the Metropolitan Life Building, Chelsea Piers, Stuyvesant Town, Peter Cooper Village, etc. I got an ESB-shaped refrigerator magnet from the gift shop at the top. Upon descending, I had a turkey burger at the Apple Café in the lobby.

After lunch, I walked down to 23rd and Broadway, where Madison square and the Flatiron Building are and took the subway to Whitehall on the Battery. I boarded the Staten Island Ferry for views of the Harbor and the Statue of Liberty. Arriving at Staten Island I disembarked just long enough to walk over to the next ferry that was ready to return to Manhattan. The rows of upright logs on the Battery's pier bulwarks, reminded me of their own appearance in The Bone Collector.

I walked around Battery Park, admiring the flower beds, and exploring the memorials and Castle Clinton. There was a Swedish Midsummer festival going on, with people walking around with flowery wreathes in their hair. I walked up Broadway, past the Custom House, Bowling Green, the Bull and his brass balls, Wall street, Trinity Church, Ground Zero, St. Paul's Chapel, the Woolworth Building and City Hall Park. Then I took the pedestrian ramp onto the Brooklyn Bridge. The day had started out sunny but had become grey and was starting to rain. The rain was wonderful because it dispersed the hordes and left the bridge cool, uncrowded and photo-worthy. I walked to Brooklyn and back. I continued north, past the courts on Foley Square, through Chinatown, and up the Bowery, then Canal Street and then Essex/Avenue A. By the time I got to the East Village, it was dark; a hot muggy night with fine misting rain. I bought a bottle of water near Tompkins Square Park and a bar of lavender soap on 14th Street. I continued on 3rd Avenue and then cut across to Broadway, by way of Gramercy Park. Back to the Gershwin, I called it a night. I hadn't slept the night before, due to packing procrastination.

On Saturday, I got up and found a Starbuck's on Broadway for a latte and fruit, then walked up Fifth Avenue towards Central Park. I wasn't interested in window-shopping at the fancy stores. I did poke my head into the lobby of Trump Tower and was immediately confronted with a huge portrait of the Ugly One and his third wife. I felt queasy and retreated back to fresh air. The vault-like front door of Tiffany's was still shut. The glass box entryway to the apple Store at Grand Army Plaza was visually appealing, but I crossed the street to Central Park.

Central Park was green, beautiful and nearly deserted. I guess people would rather shop…There was still morning mist over the pond in the southeast corner. I walked on by Sheep meadow with its huge bedrock slabs and disease-free American elms. Near the Tavern On The Green, I encountered a huge pack of jogging homosexuals. It was the annual Pride Run and seemed as endless as a wildebeest migration. The park was no longer almost deserted. At 72nd Street I encountered the Dakota Apartments and then turned back to walk along the lakeshore at the Hernshead. I visited a series of quaint locales, such as the Swedish Cottage, the Shakespeare Garden, the Delacorte Theatre and the Belvedere Castle, which was once upon a winter's day, the dreamy setting for Charles Busch's Her Royal Escape To Love (sigh)… I strolled through The Ramble; there was some surreptitious cruising going on, but nothing obvious. On the other side of the Lake, I explored the Loeb Boathouse and Bethesda Terrace and then passed on, going by the bandshell, the Mall, Balto, the Arsenal, the Children's Zoo, the Delacorte Clock, the regular zoo, the oval Conservatory Water, the Model Boat House, Alice in Wonderland, Cedar Hill and Cleopatra's Needle, supported by its four bronze crabs. I saw a man wearing an ascot or cravat and he didn't seem to be doing it ironically.

I was now at one of New York's main attractions: the Metropolitan Museum of Art! I wandered from gallery to gallery with dilated pupils, trying to keep my Stendahl Effect under control. A few highlights include the Temple of Dendur, the wooden models from the Tomb of Meketra, the Astor Court and Japanese Tea Room, as well as the Japanese swords and the African, Pacific island and Modern art (so many Picassos!). There was an exhibit on British fashion called Anglomania. I forgot that it was special exhibit and got snapped at by a gard for taking a picture… Photography is allowed in all the regular collections. I had a banana, chocolate muffin, turkey sandwich and coffee for lunch in the Petrie Court.

After the MMA, I walked down Fifth Avenue, past the Frick, the Pierre etc. Tiffany's was now open so I went in and channeled Holly by meditating on the 'statement jewelry'. The glamour was rather diluted by the presence of men in blue jean shorts… and they were actually buying! Later, I went into H&M (more my speed) and bought a few appealingly curious garments. I then passed through Rockefeller Center to Seventh Avenue and took the subway back to my hotel, where I showered and changed for the evening.

I took the subway and got off at 17th. A big gay bar called Splash Bar is right there, so I paid cover and went in. It was crowded… and ordinary… and boring. There was a strip show featuring ugly strippers…. I cut my losses and left. I walked west and hit the Meatpacking District. There was a lot of nightlife going on but little that appealed to me. Most of it was straight/mixed and looked like it was trying to be a scene from 'Sex and the City'… I silently mourned a Meatpacking District now lost in the mists of time. I was also hungry, so I stepped into a funky diner called Florent and ordered a burger. I ended up chatting with the guy behind the counter who happened to be the owner. His name was also Florent. He 's French,and, as chance would have it, one of the grand marshals in this year's Pride March happening tomorrow morning. We hit it off and he invited me to join his Grand Marshall posse at the front of the parade. I said "sure". Being in a parade is the ONLY way to see one, seriously. I've been in several parades in my life but NEVER stood on the sidelines. Florent even gave me a black "FLORENT" tee-shirt, which even fit great. I had to run to an ATM to get cash to pay my bill because Florent didn't take credit cards (sigh)… Anyway I said my farewells until the morn and headed back into the night. I swung by the Gershwin again to drop off my tee-shirt and then went down to the Village to take in a dance club called "Boys Gone Wild' at Mr. Black, which back then was at Broadway and Bleecker. I just danced for hours and didn't bother with any socializing. I figure, as long as a club is smoke-free and I stick to drinking water, a dance club is one of the healthiest ways to have fun. Afterwards, I walked back up Broadway in the wee hours of the morning. Even the Great White Way was mostly deserted. Glamourous.

Sunday, I got up earlier than I otherwise would have because I had to be at the corner of Fifth and 53rd by ten to meet Florent's contingent. I got a latte and water at the Naturally Tasty Café at 27th and then took the subway to seventh and 53rd. I arrived at ten and then we ended up hanging around for almost another hour anyway but it was fun to just be there and see the commotion. I was given another tee-shirt to wear in the parade: a pink one that said "Peace. Its About Time" (The other option was "Marriage. Its About Time"…). Florent introduced me to his co-Grand Marshall, Christine Quinn, who was the chair of the City Council and a lesbian (and probably still is!).

Finally the Parade started with Dykes on Bikes, followed by Men on Bikes, followed by us! We slowly marched down Fifth Avenue, making frequent stops for various reasons. Along the way, we were rather suddenly joined by Mayor Bloomberg and then also by Hillary Clinton and the Secret Service. At one point around 27th Street, Hillary, the Mayor and the two Grand Marshalls lined up in a row across Fifth Avenue while dozens of press photographers took pictures, with me in the background. It was a sublime blend of glamourous and goofy. At 9th Street, the parade turned left to connect with Christopher Street. I was beginning to desperately need to take a piss, so I broke from the parade and ran into a military surplus store and literally begged them to let me use the bathroom. Then I ran back and caught up with my group. They had only gone about fifty feet anyway. As we were going down tree-lined Christopher Street, the whole parade stopped for the annual Two Minutes of Silence, to remember all those that died of A.I.D.S. The silence makes for a really powerful statement. After that, there were only a few more blocks of the parade. I congratulated Florent on his masterful marshalling and said my good-bye. I then headed off to get a chicken kebab for lunch and score some free stuff at the fair booths (mostly pens, porn, condoms and lube). I walked over to Washington Square to see the Arch and sat in the Café Angelique on Bleecker and chatted with some locals while enjoying a latte and a really sublime fruit pastry called a DeMarco (I think). Later, I walked back over to Christopher Street. Everyone seemed to be in that drunk, dazed, sunburnt but happy state that comes on late in the afternoon on Pride. There was a line to get into Ty's , so I just admired the shirtless hunks from the street and then went on to the Stonewall, which seemed like an obligatory place to pay homage on my first New York Pride. Despite its legendary fame, it still seemed authentic and non-commercialized, in other words, rundown and trashy. Of course, I wouldn't have it any other way. After soaking up some dissipation, I went around the corner and bought some fruit and yogurt at the Gourmet Garage. I walked over to the Hudson to see what the Pier dance was like. Unfortunately it reminded me of the Castro on Halloween: dangerously overcrowded with people that don't seem particularly gay in any sense of the word. Some cops ran past to break up some sort of disturbance. I decided to take off and find some place more friendly and smart. I walked up to 23rd and visited the arty lobby of the Chelsea for more homage paying. The place just throbs with more truly important cultural references than I dare begin to list. I then went back to the Gershwin to shower and change. In the evening I went back downtown to cut some more rug at Mr. Black, but by the time I got there I realized that I was rather tired and my feet were starting to kill me. I hailed a cab and asked to go to Fifth and 27th. It was a good thing I was paying attention because the cabbie sailed right past 27th and when I asked him what was up, he claimed, he thought I'd said "37th "… "Okay, no problem…and no tip".

On Monday, I made my pick-up arrangements with Super Shuttle, day-checked my suitcase at the front desk and then headed out to aimlessly site-see some more. It was grey and drizzly, so I became progressively damper as the morning wore on. I walked by Madison Square, Gramercy Park and Union Square, where I contemplated the Metronome, a bizarre sculpture involving a complex digital date display, a gilded steam spout that went off at noon and midnight, a huge suspended boulder and a human hand reaching out at the top and center. I walked down Avenue A, over to 4th Avenue and then took a subway train up to Grand Central Station and the free shuttle over to Times Square. Leaving the station, I bought a black folding umbrella from a street vendor… and five minutes later the rain stopped. Times Square is spectacularly flash, corporate, ugliness; sort-of like Las Vegas. I saw the Today Show set and a time capsule sunk into the sidewalk. I found one of those office worker cafeteria/salad bar places and had pre-made unagi for lunch. I wandered around and looked at Carnegie Hall and public street art, such as a huge Robert Indiana LOVE sculpture. I visited the MOMA museum store and bought a silver 'Tangle' toy, and a plastic banana holder. The latter seemed both potentially practical and highly sarcastic.
I walked down Sixth Avenue for a while before switching over to Fifth, stopping to buy a ridiculously cheap Chinese shirt and I arrived back at 27th Street with only an hour to go before my airport shuttle arrived. I decided to take in the Museum of Sex, which is almost literally next door to the Gershwin. I've visited other 'sex museums', in Copenhagen and Berlin, so I was expecting something pretty hokey but it turns out that New York takes its sexology a little bit more seriously, just a little bit though. The Museum of Sex featured rotating exhibits. They had one about pornographic manga and anime, another about early American stag films, and yet another displaying a wide array of automated sex machines. Each exhibit was fairly extensive and well researched. I bought a Russ Myers 'Faster Pussycat' lunchbox for my downstairs neighbor, Nicole, who often took care of my houseplants when I was out of town. After the MOS, it was time to go. The shuttle came and picked me up, and then picked up more people at other hotels. As we turned from Park Avenue onto 42nd, I nodded farewell the statue of Cornelius Vanderbilt on the south side of Grand Central Station. I can't remember if we took the bridge or the tunnel to Queens but we got to LaGuardia, where I had an unscheduled, three hour delay (sigh)… While I was waiting, I ran into Jonathan Losos and chatted with him briefly. I finished reading my Burroughs book on the plane home


New York City: 27-30 June 2008

This trip started out on the wrong foot, though it could have been worse. I set my alarm clock for 4:00 PM, instead of AM and almost slept past my flight time… Miraculously I woke up at five in the morning and realized something was wrong. I managed to race about, get ready and take a cab to the airport in time… but I hade originally intended to take the MetroLink to Lambert, so the whole thing happened in the most nerve-wracking and expensive way possible.

Fortunately such travel stress usually disappears once one is airborne. The flight was uneventful, except for more spectacular views of New York before landing. The plane flew over the Hudson River and I was able to make out such features as the American Museum of Natural History, Grant's Tomb, Riverside State Park, the New York Botanical Garden/Bronx Zoo and finally world-famous Rikers Island. From LaGuardia, I took a bus to Astoria Avenue and then took a train down to the Lower East Side. I wandered around a bit looking for a decent place to eat. For a city semi-famous for its food, it was disheartening to not find anything but hotdog stands, MacDonald's and a smell-it-before-you-see-it sushi shop for several blocks. Then, like a diamond in a coal bin, I just happened to stumble upon Balthazar on Spring Street. My hunger took that as a good omen, and I went in for breakfast, it was only ten o'clock or so. I had simple fare but nicely done: my granola was toasted, there was watercress on my bagel and my latte came in a bowl.

I had booked myself into a rock-bottom hostel on Essex south of Delancey and I was beginning to regret my frugality when I entered the windowless lobby that doubled as a kitchen and dining room. However, I soon realized the place was run and populated by the same backpacking set that budget travelers encounter worldwide: mostly polite, European and blameless. As my bed wasn't ready, I left my bag at the desk and headed off towards Brooklyn. I doubled back once for my hat but couldn't be bothered a second time when I realized I needed my lip balm with sunscreen (I ended up getting another tube at a Duane-Reade on Fulton Mall).

I walked along the Hudson Embankment and marveled at the huge 'waterfall' art installations that had been set up around the Harbor. Walking across the Brooklyn Bridge on a sunny summer day is miserable due to the crowds and heat. I morbidly considered how it would be a great place for a terrorist to take out several dozen at a pop…. Getting to the other side, I stopped for a much-needed diet coke at the Celeste Diner, while to people next to me talked about some film director in that loud theatrical 'New York' way, that always seems like an affected performance, not that its not entertaining in that regard.

I walked down Flatbush to Grand Army Plaza, admired the edifice of the Brooklyn Public Library and then escaped the city I'd just come so far to see, by going on a long green-saturated walks through the Brooklyn Botanical Garden and Prospect Park. At the B.B.G., I took in the Native Flora, the Palm house, the Japanese Garden and most points in-between and beyond. There were so many exciting plants to see. Finding both Platycarya strobilacea and a Pterocarya sp. in excellent flower and fruit was especially satisfying. I had lunch on a terrace near the glass pavilions. The feeding frenzy of the koi in the Japanese Pond also left a memorable impression on me. I also wandered all over Prospect Park, taking in such landmarks as the boathouse and Litchfield Villa> I spent most of my time exploring the wilder parts of the park such as the Ravine and Midwood areas. There was a concert going on the Bandstand. As I passed by I found a screwdriver lying on the lawn, and picked it up. There are many innocuous reasons one would abandon such a tool… and many sinister ones as well. In the late afternoon, I exited the park at Barthell-Pritchard Circle and took the subway back to Manhattan, where I had a ghetto feast at a Popeye's on Delancey… and then to bed. I was tired from my long day and I've never considered sleep deprivation to be a good way to make the most of a holiday.

On Saturday, I had a bit of breakfast at the Essex Hostel and then took off in a northwesterly direction. I went up The Bowery and had more breakfast at a Starbuck's at Cooper Union Square. Then I took the subway up to 7th avenue and 57th. I walked through Central Park. They were having an organized run that that they probably hold every Pride weekend Saturday. It makes it hard to cross the street. I steeled myself to use the public restroom at the Loeb Boathouse. I walked through the ramble along the Lake edge and came out on 79th street in front of the American Museum of Natural History. I went into the front atrium to admire the dinosaurs on display, but then continued my journey northward by walking along the Hudson in Riverside Park.

At about 111th I went east and visited the Cathedral of St. John the Divine (for architectural reflection only) and the passed through Columbia's campus. I had a margharita pizza for lunch at Sezz Medi on Amsterdam Avenue. Then I went back towards the Hudson to admire Grant's Tomb and the Riverside Viaduct. I walked through the tunnel where Al Pacino caught the killer in Cruising. I continued on along Riverside Drive, making a curious detour through the odd construction of Riverbank State Park. At some point I should have gone right, but didn't and ended up walking along the pedestrian-unfriendly Henry Hudson Parkway. I cut up a steep hillside back to Riverside Drive. Washington Heights is such a sweet neighborhood, very uncongested and green for Manhattan.

Eventually I got to my ultimate destination: Fort Tryon Park and the Cloisters. I entered at Margaret Corbin Circle and strolled around admiring the plantings in the Heather Garden and the view from Linden Terrace, then on to the Cloisters themselves. The building is a wonderful compound construction, echoing with old, Old World monastic serenity, and the medieval art inside doubled my knowledge and appreciation of that period. It really was an artistically rich time…too bad about all the ignorance and religious zealotry.

From Margaret Corbin Circle, I took a bus and then a train south to 110th. I was going to walk through Morningside Park but suddenly it started pouring rain. I darted into a nearby restaurant and ordered a slice of red velvet cake, but the service was slow and the rain stopped so I cancelled my order and walked back into Central Park. I started by going around the Harlem Meer, then through the Conservatory Garden, over Fort Fish hill, down the woodsy Ravine to a pond, along the rim of Jackie's Reservoir and then briefly checked out the underwhelming Pinetum of Arthur Ross. It was growing dark and fireflies were flashing on the lawns. I left the park at whatever street has the Diana Ross Playground on it and took the subway back downtown. I considered sampling the nightlife but then considered against it. Good night.

Sunday morning, after another desultory hostel breakfast, I took the subway from Spring Street to Pelham Parkway in the Bronx, which required a truly grimy transfer at some station in the South Bronx. I then walked over, past the Bronx Zoo, to the New York Botanical Garden where I spent the whole day botanizing. This was quite different from my original plan to celebrate Gay Pride in the Village. But I'm glad I didn't go, as I was in no mood for crowds or carousing.

I walked all over the New York Botanical Garden, starting at the Visitor Center where I had lunch and then over to the ornate Mertz Library where several exhibits about Darwin and plant domestication were on display. I visited the rock garden, native plant garden, wetland trail and children's garden before entering the native forest and crossing the Bronx River via the Hester Bridge. On the far side, I took in such sites as the old snuff mill, the ornamental conifers, the Bourke-Sullivan Display House and the Rockefeller Rose Garden. I then took Magnolia Way and Watson Drive back around the outskirt of the Garden to another café where I had a second lunch. With perfect timing, rain began to fall just as I was entering the Haupt Conservatory and stopped later when I was ready to venture outside to explore the adjacent perennial and herb gardens. An exhibit of large Henry Moore sculptures was also on display throughout the Garden. Like at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden, there were so many new and interesting plants to discover. One of my favourites was Poliothyrsis sinensis an uncommon shrub from China with peculiar fruit (formerly in Flacourtiaceae, now in Salicaceae). Catbirds (Dumetella carolinensis) and little brown bunnies (Sylvilagus floridanus ) abounded, just like in St. Louis.

I took the commuter rail back to Grand Central Station (next time, I'll buy my ticket before I board, not on the train!) and then a subway down to Astor Place. I got to the New Museum with less than hour before closng, but that was enough to time to take in the art, which wasn't particularly intricate or overwhelming, as well as the views from the Sky Room. After they kicked me out I went downtown, past City Hall and Ground Zero. I checked out Century 21 because I heard it was supposedly a worthy shrine to consumerism, but I wasn't impressed. There were beautiful flowers and statues and sunset views in Battery Park. At night, I walked back uptown past the Stock Exchange and Federal Hall in the Financial District and through the backstreets of Chinatown.

On Monday, I checked out of the Essex Street hostel and headed back downtown, this time during the morning rush hour. I took a route west of Ground Zero and ended up walking that narrow park that runs along the Hudson to Battery Park. This time, I headed straight to Castle Clinton and got a ticket for the Liberty and Ellis Island ferry. There was no line for the tickets but I did have to get in one to board the ferry. The metal detectors discovered that screwdriver that was still in my bag and it was confiscated. I'd forgotten all about it.

Once onboard, I tried to position myself for good views and shots of the skyline and 'Lady Liberty' I saw large jellyfish in the murky water. The first stop was Liberty Island. I didn't have a ticket that allowed access inside the statue. That was fine since it would have required getting in another queue… I walked around the outside of the lower pedestal and took shots from unusual angles. The harbor and that star-shaped stone wall around the base were more visually interesting than the statue itself. I had lunch at the restaurant and marveled at the food-stealing antics of the laughing (Larus atricilla) and herring gulls (L. argentatus). I got on another ferry and went to Ellis Island, which I found to be more interesting than Liberty. The Main Building on Ellis is full of great exhibits showing various aspects and artifacts of the history and politics of American immigration. Like the majority of Americans, I have ancestors that passed through Ellis Island and I thought the museum did a good job of bringing the experience 'to life'.

Returning to Manhattan, I revisited Federal Hall during open hours and then took a train to midtown and 'site-saw' Columbus Circle, Radio City Music Hall and Lincoln Center, which was torn up due to renovation. About then my camera battery died and I realized I had left my spare battery and the charger back in the bathroom at the hostel (sigh)…. Optimistically, it is good I remembered it before I got on my flight home that afternoon. So, I went back to the lower East Side for equipment retrieval and then lunch at a nearby Mexican Restaurant. I also bought a delightfully hideous pair of plaid shorts. I decided to spend the rest of my time making my way north along the East River. I cut through the east Village, via Avenue A and Tomkins Square Park and then continued along a riverfront walkway, past a heliport and a parking lot sporting elaborate hydraulic platforms so that more cars could be fit in. Soon after, the walkway petered out due to FDR Drive, so I swung over to First Avenue and walked up Murray Hill past the United Nations until 59th Street, where I caught a subway back to Astoria in Queens and then a bus going to LaGuardia. I remember there was another statue of Columbus at the bus stop. An unsurprising delay at the airport, of course, but eventually I had to fly back to St. Louis.

June 2008: A Monthly Review

Artistically, this was a productive month. I finished production on several short films and began work on several more. I also continued my musical efforts by recording several experimental tracks. I was happy enough with the outcome to put them on-line by inaugurating a new MySpace music profile, MarckMusick.

During the long days around the Summer Solstice, I noticed that my energy levels seem to increase to their yearly maximum. I am someone who is highly attuned to the seasons, perhaps too much so. At times in high summer, my zeal approaches a mania! This also swayed my decision to end my experimental run with Prozac. It didn't seem to affect my mood as much as my sleep habits. I hardly ever suffer from insomnia, except for the month and a half I took the drug when I was increasingly agitated and alert during the middle of the night… and then exhausted during the day.

My vegetable garden at Clemens Community Garden began to bear "fruit" or leaves, rather. I harvested my first basil, bok choy, chard, cilantro, dill and endives of the season. Several ornamentals began to bloom including Venidium fastuosum, Asclepias incarnata and A. syriaca. I salvaged a full tray of excess pepper plants from my school's annual plant sale and brought them over to the garden for anyone to take. The firefly displays in the garden at dusk were magical. Twilight became my favourite time of the day and the insect's bioluminescence inspired several short films (the Flash! Glow! Sex! series). One night I found an adult ant lion lying on the sidewalk. I brought it home for my pinned collection. Ant lion adults look something like a damselfly, but they aren't at all closely related.

A fellow student, Kate Waselkov threw a party at her apartment. I often avoid social engagements that require I drive at night but as she lives only a couple of blocks away, I walked over. I recall it was a perfect summer evening. The linden trees were sweetly in bloom and I saw my first fireflies of the year. I brought a bowl of tomatoes, briefly marinated in balsamic vinegar, herbs, and e.v. olive oil, a pitcher of sangria blanca, and a potted Syngonium for Kate, that I propagated from my own houseplant. It was a pleasant time. Perhaps a dozen or so people attended. Kate had a new pet kitten that was very playful. I recall the food was particularly serendipitous. My tomatoes went great with the cheese and crackers others brought. It was like eating a margharita pizza, one bite-sized piece at a time. Shi-Chung brought two kinds of oysters that he served raw and people brought wines from no less than three species of grape! Besides the normal table wine grape (Vitis vinifera), there was also Missouri wines made from fox grapes (V. labrusca) and Alabama wine from muscadine or scuppernongs (V. rotundifolia). I still haven't tried a Missouri wine that I've liked, but I thought the Alabama wine had potential as an unusual dessert wine.

Around the time of my birthday, I spent a fun evening with Brian Crisp. We went to Seki for sushi and ordered so well: unagi, soft-shelled crab, etc. etc. Good sushi is the best food there is. Afterwards, we walked over to my apartment and queened out with a listening party to Amanda Lear. She really is the most fantastic performer and personality. It is easy to see why everyone from Bowie to Dali was enraptured by her beauty and vision… and still are, of course.
My actual birthday is on the ninth. I'm now 38. I usually remain neutral about the event, neither celebrating nor dreading it. I did get a few cards and online messages from well-wishers, which is always sweet.

One sunny day I took another hike in West Tyson County Park and this time I brought my camera. The late Spring and early Summer wildflowers were in bloom: Triodanis perfoliata, Ruellia strepens, Lobelia inflata, Mirabilis nyctaginea, Erysimum capitatum, Asclepias syriaca, penstemon digitalis, Monardaspp., etc. I also saw beautiful birds like indigo buntings (Passerina cyanea) and summer tanagers (Piranga rubra) and reptiles like a black eastern coachwhip (Masticophis flagellum)and blue-tailed skinks (Eumeces sp.).

What else? Workmen repainted the stairwell in my apartment building in black russet and tan. I preferred the plain white that was there before. The drying painted smelled like cherry vanilla… I took the 'Smiling Teardrop' in for a safety inspection at Hartmann's…. I had an unpleasant encounter with an irresponsible woman and her vicious weimaraner. The beast had only a pretty coat to recommend it, and the owner not even that…. Tony vaguely posted a fabulous old interview with Michael G. Page. That was the best thing I read all month…. I bought a bouquet of Liatris at the produce market. The arrangement reminded me of an ultraviolet ocotillo!

At the end of June, I was in New York, ostensibly for Gay Pride. However I ended up ignoring the whole event and spent my time filming and sightseeing instead. Anyway, a trip to the Big Apple deserves its own blog, so I'll post the details of that separately.

May 2008: A Monthly Review

On the first weekend of the month, I went back out to West Tyson County Park for another hike. I intend to go there at least once a month. The wildflower displays and nesting birds were still wonderful to see, but there were also more mountain bicyclists and equestrians on the trails. Both activities are anathema to a peaceful walk and nature study. They also cause more trail damage per person. I remembered to wear long pants and stay covered, especially in the bottomland forest along the river, where the mosquitoes and biting flies are dense but I forgot to bring my binoculars which was a shame..

The school year at Washington University ended, though as a graduate student, I'll continue to work through the summer. The summer session is a relatively quiet time on campus, which I enjoy except for the fact that food and gym services are scaled back. There were protests at the graduation commencement this year because the school's conservative board of trustees decided to award arch-conservative harridan, Phyllis Schafly with an honorary degree. Schafly is a member of a prominent family in St. Louis… I'm glad the school received some flack for its stupid choice. Maybe the protests will bring about some lasting progressive change…

My friend, Ray Russell, has just retired from his position in the Wash U biology library. Since we won't be seeing each other at school any more, we decided to hang out in our free time. This month, we met twice. Both times, we got falafel wraps to go at Al-Tarboush in the Loop and then went back to my apartment and played Scrabble. It was fun, though, perhaps, next time we should mix things up and try a different food and activity.

Brian Crisp and I had dinner at Aya Sofia, a Turkish restaurant in South City that I've always wanted to try. We had several meze plates. The food was good but some of the dishes were prepared differently to how I usually had them when I was in Turkey. Of course, that isn't so surprising, but I did wonder if some of the differences were regional. The name 'Aya Sofia' suggests an Istanbul orientation, while my travels began and ended in Ankara and consisted mostly of visits to rural villages in eastern Anatolia. It was great to see Brian again too. We always have a good time dissecting the nuances of popular culture. In August, he will be moving away to bigger and better things in Madison, Wisconsin. Hopefully we will get together again during the summer before he leaves.

I went on a family outing to the Missouri Botanical Garden with my aunt, Barbara, my uncles, Jerry and Bill and Bill's 'granddaughter' Christina. He refers to her as his granddaughter but I believe technically she is his great niece. She is a quiet, polite girl in her early teens. It was a beautiful Sunday in spring and the Garden was crowded. Even more so, due to it being the weekend of the Chinese Cultural Days festival. Once we arrived, Bill, who is almost 79, decided that he didn't feel up to walking around, so he sat inside the Garden's restaurant, Sassafras. The rest of us did a long walking loop that took us through much of the Garden including the Japanese Garden and all three of the public greenhouses. The absolute best part, in my opinion, was seeing the bearded iris beds at the very peak of bloom. Virtually every colour in every combination was represented. Some of the cultivars are as curiously wrought as abstract art. Many of the cultivars also have poetic or funny names, which made reading the labels entertaining as well. Afterwards, we went to O'Connell's Pub for a late lunch. I don't think having a pub lunch in a windowless bar was the best choice for a sunny day, but supposedly their hamburgers have been rated the best in the city. Over all it was a good day. I'm glad I could show my relatives around the Garden, since they don't go there very often.

I had my latest biannual committee meeting at the Missouri Botanical Garden's Monsanto Center, and it went well. My committee seemed to like my plan for finishing up within a year. Hopefully everything will go according to plan.

My experiment with taking Prozac doesn't seem to be particularly successful. I have been feeling somewhat better but the change is nothing beyond what I would normally attribute to the coming on of summer weather. Also, I have been suffering from insomnia recently, which has hardly ever been a problem for me before. Not sleeping well at night makes me quite drowsy during the day. On the worst days, I can barely stay standing. That has to stop. At my next appointment with Dr. Brady, I intend to tell him I want to discontinue the treatment and see if my sleep improves.

I finished another film this month. Leum: Walk Through Hell was inspired by a story idea from my friend Chieko Redmer. It was a fun film to make and I enjoyed the chance to collaborate with Chieko. I also shot some footage for several other films but since my editing processes are becoming more elaborate, I don't expect anything else to be complete for several weeks. Chieko and I also began to develop a new MySpace art profile called The Temple of Snap, but since Chieko was the primary instigator, we've rethought it as being her project, with only occasional involvement from myself. I check in to observe her progress. It really is becoming an exciting showcase for her visual talents. It is being kept private while it is under development but I encourage everyone to check it out when it goes public.

It is the time of the year when leases turn over in my building. My neighbor across the hall moved out last week and two units, on the first and third floors, have just become reoccupied. I have hardly met my new neighbors yet. I hope they will be agreeable. I think the first floor neighbors have children and a dog… That will be different… The front and rear stairwells are also being repainted. The outdoor metal staircase desperately needed new paint but the inside front stairs could have been left alone. The new colour scheme is darker than the old one, which I don't like. Maintenance has also finally finished landscaping the front yard, after a delay of well over a year. It is an uninspired spread of Buxus microphylla and Berberis thunbergii but better than nothing.

My two planting beds at Clemens Community Garden are now fully planted out. The rock garden (bed 21) is currently dominated by the pale pink spectacle of several plants of Aethionema grandiflorum in full bloom, but will soon segue into an elegantly muted vegetative stage before coming into summer blooms, such as California poppy (Eschscholzia californica), godetia (Clarkia hybrid), and prince of the veldt (Venidium fastuosum). Meanwhile my culinary garden (bed 13) is planted with edibles such as basil, dill, cilantro, chervil, asafoetida, Swiss chard, tomatoes, Japanese eggplant, banana peppers, corn salad, endive, New Zealand spinach, bok choy, tomatillo, yellow crookneck squash, cantaloupe and several ornamentals like the yellow daisy, Melampodium divaricatum, bottle gourd (Lagenaria siceraria) and two species of milkweed (Asclepias incarnata & A. sullivantii).

Towards the end of the month, I was inspired to finally bring my blog up to date. I wrote three monthly reviews (February, march & April) in two days. Fortunately, I kept my journal, Piece, current and could use it to jog my memory.

April 2008: A Monthly Review

One Saturday afternoon, I went over to school to take a training class to renew my CPR and First Aid certification. It probably has been more than five years since I let my certification lapse. In the past I've done my training with the American Red Cross but this time it was an American Heart Association course. I got to practice with an electric defibrillator training machine, which I had never used before. It was fun to get vocal instructions from a piece of equipment.

I didn't attend the first monthly work party for Clemens Community Garden because the weather that morning was unacceptably foul. A couple of weeks later, I decided to risk planting my vegetable bed with a variety of seedlings that I had started indoor on the window sill, including tomatoes and various ornamental flowers. I also directly sowed seeds for plants like dill, cilantro, chard, endives, sunflowers, summer squash, and asparagus beans. The directly sown seeds mostly germinated and grew, albeit slowly, but almost all of the seedlings that I planted were eaten by birds and squirrels. It was too early anyway for warm season crops, like tomatoes, which hardly grew at all in April because of the cold. I decided to not plant anymore until May.

I spent a lot of time this month completing a morphological data set of Aethionema by making herbarium sheet measurements. This meant I also spent a lot of time at the herbarium in the Lehmann Building at the Missouri Botanical Garden. It was hard to stay inside and look at dried specimens under fluorescent lights when outside there were so many living plants blooming in the sunshine (or not). I made a point to walk around everyday during lunch. One shrub, an azalea called 'Boudoir', was so thickly covered in the most brilliantly hot pink flowers that it affected my sight. The pink caused a color shift that made the plant's green leaves look blue in contrast. Wildlife in the garden was great to see too. I saw a large garter snake in the Woodland Garden and birds such as an American redstart, a rose-breasted grosbeak, a palm warbler, grey catbirds and brown thrashers. One evening after dark I heard a whip-poor-will and was actually barked at and chased by a pair of red foxes that live in the Garden. I accidentally strolled to close to their den, which is in a hole in the foundation of the Climatron (a large tropical greenhouse at the Garden).

Besides the plants and animals, I also enjoyed the garden's new art exhibit of works by sculptor Niki St. Phalle. The pieces are large outdoor sculptures of totems, animals, black heroes, obese women and other subjects. Many of the sculptures are covered in mosaics of mirrored tiles and opalescent glass beads. My favourite piece is an immense skull covered in elaborate tiling and beading. The skull is big enough to have a mirrored room inside it.

I decided to attend the Gay Student Alliance's annual GAYLA dance for the first time. I was curious to see what a gay social event would entail at Washington University. In the past, I always found expressions of queer culture and socializing at school to be rather sober or timid affairs. The GAYLA was a welcome surprise. It was well-attended and people seemed comfortable expressing their sexuality by dancing with members of the same sex, etc. I actually didn't dance with anyone myself but I would have... The GAYLA was held at the Kemper Art Center (Washington University's art museum). I hardly ever go there, so went off on my own to check out the permanent collection. There were some beautiful pieces there, including a surprising number of well-known artists like Calder, DeKooning, Ernst, Klee, Miro, Moore, Picasso, Pollock, Rauschenberg, Renoir, Rodin, Stella and Warhol.

I also intended to attend the annual Spring W.I.L.D. concert this year, since George Clinton was headlining… but the warm sunny day turned into a cold wet night and I was not dressed for an outdoor concert in a rainstorm. I showed up briefly, before deciding I'd be happier going home and listening to music on my stereo.

On the 18th, I was woken before dawn by an earthquake that measured 5.2 on the Richter Scale. It was a terrifying moment, though at first, I wasn't sure if it was an earthquake or some other disturbance, like heavy equipment or an explosion. It turns out it was the biggest earthquake to hit the Midwest in 40 years. Later that morning there was also a 4.6 aftershock. A major earthquake would be so devastating, especially for St. Louis, which is full of old brick buildings, like my apartment….

Overall, my mood didn't improve in April. In fact, I was concerned that my situation was getting worse. With full-scale depression looming as a dark possibility, I decided to try something I had always before dismissed as unnecessary: medication. As an experiment I made an appointment through Student Health Services with a psychiatrist, Dr. Brady. I had to wait two weeks for an open appointment and it would have been three and a half weeks if a cancellation hadn't occurred. I discussed my symptoms with him and we decided to try a course of 20 mg of fluoxetine (Prozac) daily. Talk therapy will be limited to short sessions to determine my progress. It is still too early to say if the drug is benefiting me.

For the first time in years, I started making films again. Though really, it is now an entirely new medium and all of my early videos and scratch-doodle films are lost anyway. My new films are experimental pieces using surrealism and abstract expressionist imagery. They are attempts to illustrate some of the ideas and emotions that I experience. The first three films came out speedily, in quick succession. They are entitled Vibro-Phlox, Vitreous/Hyaline and Blau Blume.

I returned to West Tyson Park for another hike near the end of April. What a difference a month made. Most of the trees were sprouting new coats of green leaves and there were so many flowers in bloom, including Oxalis violacea, Phlox divaricata, Viola rafinesquii and Verbena canadensis, to name a few. Bird and butterfly watching was also amazing. I got beautiful views of such uncommon birds as Swainson's thrush, summer tanager, indigo bunting, black and white warbler, prothonotary warbler and pileated woodpecker. The butterflies included dark skippers, zebra and tiger swallowtails and my first monarch of the season. That was such a happy day.

February & March 2008: Monthly Reviews, with an Introductory Essay concerning the Miserable Winter of 2008.

After some unseasonable balminess at the start of the year, the wretched weather began in earnest at the end of January, and the Midwest become largely unbearable until mid-May. Other recent winters mostly ended around the end of March, weather-wise. However, this year, spring weather was further delayed by a full month, perhaps due to La Nina conditions. Yes, there were a few randomly decent days, but nothing I could reliably bank on. Most days in February, March and April were short, dark, overcast, chilly (if not frigid) and often windy too, Precipitation included at least four major snowfalls and a great deal of cold rain.

This was my sixth Mid-western Winter and the first since 2002-2003 where I didn't leave on a sizable vacation during Winter Break. That was a mistake. In the best weather, St. Louis is barely tolerable but when bleak winter comes, this place is hell on earth. I spent most of winter and much of early spring suffering through various levels of misery. The worst days were truly a descent into mental illness. My condition is Seasonal Affective disorder (S.A.D.) and I this year I suffered in the extreme. For me, the symptoms manifest as both a physiological lethargy probably brought on by cold temperatures and a psychological melancholy, perhaps due to the reduced daylight.

Overall, each winter here has felt worse than the one before. I distinctly remember, at the end of winter in 2007, being seriously concerned that I could not survive the next winter… but I have! (That is the extent of my positive thinking on the subject.) Remember as you read the following reviews, that all events, except when I was out of state, took place under an almost ever-present pall of climatic despair.

February 2008: A Monthly Review

I have continued my casual genealogical research, here in the city where my father was raised and where many of his relatives still live. Last fall, I explored the ancestral tree of my paternal grandfather. Now in winter, I focused on sorting through the relationships of my paternal grandmother's family. Her maiden name was Lange. One rainy night, I drove over to the nearby town of Ferguson to meet Clara Lange Roman, my elderly first cousin, once removed. She was very kind and helpful. She gave me copies of old letters and photographs and helped me piece together a rudimentary genealogy. I learned that my great-great-grandparents Karl Heinrich Lange and Anna Maria Brinkmeier emigrated from Westphalia to St. Louis in the late 1860s. They had eleven children. Karl Heinrich ran a cigar store (yuck) and wrote German poetry (aww). My great-grandfather Friedrich Heinrich Lange had three wives. My great-grandmother was his first wife, a woman of Irish descent named Mary 'Mamie' Harford. Etc. Etc.

Every February, my graduate program holds its two annual recruitment weekends, when prospective students come to Washington University to be interviewed and entertained by the division. Current students are asked to help entertain and transport the potential recruits. I've always been glad to help out, so for the first weekend, I volunteered to pick up the students at the medical school to take them over to the main 'Hilltop' campus in a school van. Not one of the students chose to sit in the front passenger seat during the ride. That made me feel rather alienated towards them. I drove the van again to and from the Friday night dinner, but this time I didn't make much effort to interact with them. I decided to skip the Saturday night party too, but the weather and traveling distance had more to do with that decision. I wasn't signed up to do any driving on the second recruitment weekend but I did attend the Friday night dinner. Again, I passed on the Saturday night party because it was held so far away. The Friday night dinner is my favourite part of each weekend. It is always held at a faculty member's house and is informally catered with a feast of delicious Thai or Indian food.

My friend Adam De Cruz in London, sent me a copy of the premier issue of his new magazine Stimuli. It is originally organized, so well written, and the imagery is fantastically beautiful. I was really impressed.

The brutal winter weather frequently impinged on my social calendar. For example, one Saturday, I had to decline riding to the Soulard Mardi Gras in a party bus, due to exhaustion from the cold weather of the day before. That was a shame because I'm sure it would have been so much fun… and it was the second year in a row that I had to bow out of my friend, Tim Wheatley's Mardi Gras festivities.. He must be disgusted with me… The weather also led to my canceling hanging out with Brian Crisp and watching Stan Brakhage films. We made the plan during an unusually mild Saturday afternoon but when I went out a little later to pick up the DVD, a windstorm started up and a huge branch of a sycamore snapped off and hit the sidewalk directly across the street from where I was walking. I thought a tornado might be forming (!) so I did a 180º turn and went straight home. . If I'd been underneath that tree I would have been killed. Instead, only my nerves were shot.

Rather than St. Valentine's Day, I decided this year to celebrate its Roman predecessor, Februa or Lupercalia. The holiday was said to involve rituals of purification and fertility, and that sounded wonderfully vernal to my winter-fevered brain.

As I mentioned, the wretched winter made me regret not taking off for someplace warm during Winter Break. So, when my friend John Newmeyer suggested I join him on a family vacation to Maui, I seized the opportunity. I had a great time with John a month earlier in San Francisco so it seemed like a perfect arrangement. Plus, I would get to meet his children, whom I had never met before because they usually live with their mother in Marin.

On the 19th, I flew to Phoenix on Southwest Airlines and then on to Maui with ATA. The ATA flight was most pleasantly not crowded. I had a whole row to myself. As it turns out, a month later, ATA went out of business… Flying over California, I recognized the Algodones Dunes, the Salton Sea and Santa Catalina Island. The sunset seen from the air over the Pacific was as brilliant as liquid fire.

I arrived in Kahului ahead of schedule, but baggage delays ate any time that was saved. John and the kids had arrived earlier that day. He met me at the airport and we drove southwest to the condo he rented in Lahaina. Along the way, we stopped at a cliffside overlook to admire the ocean at night and the almost full moon. I was amazed to feel chilled by the cool night breeze. Being cold was the last thing I expected in Maui at sea level. It was the only time there I did feel cold, so maybe it was an after-effect of my long flight.

At the condo, I met John's children, Elizabeth, 16, and Jack, 10. The first thing Jack did after he met me, was ask his father how long I was going to be there. From the way he said it I could tell he resented my presence. My heart sank. The last thing I wanted was a conflict situation. I made up my mind to avoid being cast as a volunteer nanny or ersatz wicked stepmother. For the most part I was successful, but on one occasion Jack did manage to say something that got a rise out of me. I generally got along well with Elizabeth who was older and more mature. Though on long trips in the car, she would sometimes regress and become silly and restless along with her brother. Still it felt so serene to sleep next to John that night with a view outside of palm trees silhouetted in the moonlight. Maui seemed like such an enchanted land.

The next morning, we had breakfast in Lahaina and then took off for a drive to upland Maui and the summit of Haleakala National Park. Jack wanted to stay at the condominium and swim in the pool but was overruled. I am somewhat aware that people have different tastes but to prefer not to see and explore a genuine volcano truly amazed me. For me, Haleakala was the most essential place to visit in all of Maui.

As it turns out, our visit to the summit was quite brief. We stopped at the visitor center and admired the view from the 'crater' overlook, but it was windy and the kids wanted to go back to the car. Also John began to feel strange due to the high elevation. We stayed another ten minutes while I quickly climbed a very short trail beside the parking lot, on a small hill called Pa Ka'oao. There, I took a few more photos and examined the Styphelia tameiameiae and Dubautia menziesii growing in the rocks. I scanned the area futilely for a glimpse of a nene (Branta sandvicensis, Hawaii's state bird) and looked longingly at the volcanic cinder cones that I would have loved to hike across the lava to see. On the way down it was my turn to drive. As we drove off I realized that I had not even had a chance to see a Haleakala silversword (Argyroxiphim sandwicense) up close. The tragic absurdity of that fact was more than I could bear. I had to see a silversword before we left the summit area! As the car began to descend, I was beginning to lose hope. Then I saw the silvery-white spiked sphere of a silversword standing out starkly against the red-black basalt. It was about twenty meters of the road. I found a place to pull off and scrambled across the rock to see and photograph this most rare and spectacular plant. It was a botanically transcendent moment. Away from the road, several more silverswords became visible. The largest was about two feet in diameter. None were in bloom. It might not have been the right season for flowers.

Before we left the Park, we stopped at the Park headquarters so I could buy a few field guides. I saw a pacific golden-plover or kolea (Pluvialis fulva) in the parking lot. We also made a birdwatching stop at Hosmer Grove, where we briefly saw a pair of red-plumaged birds that were probably 'apapane (Himatione sanguinea), one of the native honeycreepers. On the way back, we stopped at Kula Lodge for lunch and the view. That evening at sunset, John and I drove up the coast to a spot near Nakalele Point to see the lunar eclipse. Northwest Maui is a lovely place, still largely undeveloped. That evening, I went on a stroll to the local supermarket for breakfast food, then the four of us had dinner at Kobe Steakhouse in Lahaina.

The next day was a beach day at Kaanapali to be spent snorkeling and sunbathing. The snorkeling was incredible. I saw so many beautiful fish, sea urchins and corals. Plus, as I was swimming along the basalt cliff, I had a surprise encounter with a green turtle (Chelonia mydas)! Suddenly, it was there before me, swimming and looking for kelp to eat. I swam along beside it for about a half hour. I managed to avoid touching it because I felt that would be too intrusive, but it was difficult because the turtle would often change directions and swim toward me. When it surfaced to breathe I would also surface, to watch its head rise out of the sea. It was so beautiful. Even though I tried to protect myself from the sun, my long snorkeling sessions led to a sunburn on my back…

I also walked around the grounds of the Maui Sheraton at Kaanapali to birdwatch and examine the tropical landscaping. I found a hedge of ripe natal plums (Carissa macrocarpa) that I happily sampled. Among the birds I saw, was a pair of northern cardinals (Cardinalis cardinalis) just like I would see in my neighbourhood in St. Louis. I also saw a red-crested cardinal (Paroaria coronata) native to South America. Dinner that evening was deep-dish pizza at BJ's Chicago Pizzeria on Front Street in Lahaina. Jack was so tired that he fell asleep at the table before dinner was served.

Lahaina was the first capitol of the Kingdom of Hawaiii and is probably the oldest and most historic town in the Islands. So the next morning I got up early and took a solo walk to see some of the historic buildings and cemeteries in town, including the Hale Paohoo Prison, the Old Courthouse, the Baldwin Missionary House, Sailor's Reading Room and the Banyan Court. I bought myself a kukui nut lei and a wooden sea turtle magnet to commemorate my turtle swim from the day before.

Later John, Liz, Jack and myself took a country drive along the coastal road in northwestern Maui. We went as far as Kahakuloa Head and stopped for a picnic at Honokohau Beach on the way back. It was great to be in a minimally tourist-oriented environment of remote small towns and rural taro patches. We made several roadside stops to more fully admire the scenery. At one stop I was able to identify a few native plants growing along the edge of the sea cliffs, including Jacquemontia ovalifolia, Osteomeles anthyllidifolia and Sida cordifolia.The rest of our afternoon was spent swimming and resting at one of the condominium complex's two pools. That evening, John and I drove up to Lahaina High School above the town to watch the sun set over the sea. Later we all had dinner at the Lahaina Seafood Co., with delicious fish and a great table on the water.

On our fourth full day, we drove to the Wailea coast in southern Maui. Along the way we stopped near McGregor Point and watched humpback whales (Megaptera novaeangliae) breach in the calm waters between Maui, Lanai and Kahoolawe. Suddenly, the binoculars that I carried everywhere were very popular. Next, we stopped beside Kealia Ponds Wildlife Refuge and watched the Hawaiian black-necked stilts (Himantopus mexicanus knudseni) feeding in the freshwater marsh. We drove on to LaPerouse Bay near the southern tip of Maui. A beautiful lagoon is there, as well as Maui's most recent lava flows. From a distance the fields of black lava rock look like freshly plowed earth. I took a picture of a minute hermit crab… and then my camera battery was drained.

Since there are no sandy beaches at LaPerouse Bay we turned around and went back to the Big Beach at Makena State Park where we found a shady spot in the sand beneath some trees. John and the kids stayed at the shore and swam but I decided to climb Pu'uOla'i, a small volcano at the north end of Big Beach. On the way, I saw more stilts and golden plovers in a small lagoon in the forest behind the beach. I also passed through Little Beach before beginning my ascent. Little Beach is the only nude beach on Maui. Nudity in Hawaii is technically illegal, but tolerated there. If I hadn't already had too much sun, I might have stayed and sunbathed myself. Instead I climbed up the steep overgrown trails to the summit of Pu'uOla'i and walked around the crater rim. There were great views of Wailea, Big Beach and Molokini. The dominant vegetation on the volcano is introduced thorny shrubs, like Acacia farnesiana and Prosopis pallida. I tried to pass by carefully but eventually I got snagged and received a long scratch on my leg. I retraced my route back to Big Beach, where I discovered that John, Liz and Jack were thirsty and wanted to leave. I was a bit chagrined to be leaving without a chance to go swimming or snorkeling and I was even more chagrined when Jack curtly told me that they were almost ready to leave because I had been gone so long. I had only been gone two hours! That put me in a bad mood. I felt like I was the odd man out and being picked on. We went for a late lunch at the Fairmont Kea Lani resort but I wasn't hungry. Instead I got up from the table and stood by myself in the shade and drank from my water bottle and sulked. I eventually returned to better spirits back in Lahaina where I had a chance to clean up and swim in the pool, but I was tired and went to bed early instead of going out for dinner with the others.

The next day we returned home. It was a short vacation, only four full days plus the two flight days. My flight left several hours before the other's so John dropped me off at the Kahalui Airport. I gave him a farewell hug and said good-bye to the children. Liz said good-bye in return but Jack didn't even talk to me (sigh). This trip was the longest time I had spent around children since my own childhood. It is amazing how demanding and stressful children can be. I don't think I could ever muster the stamina to raise them myself.

I only had an hour before my flight departed and the ag inspection, check-in, and security lines were all very long. To save time I decided to have my suitcase be a carry-on instead of checked luggage as I had originally planned. That was a foolish mistake that led to my Swiss Army knife being confiscated by security. I had that pocketknife for almost twenty years…. That is what comes from being rushed and not having coffee in the morning…. The flight home was uneventful. I changed planes in Las Vegas, where even the terminal looks like a casino….

On the last day of February (in a leap year) I was again airborne. This time, it was a direct flight to Seattle for a weekend in the Emerald City. I had planned this trip before Maui became an option, otherwise I normally wouldn't have booked two vacations back to back … but with the winter continuing to be so miserable, I found it prudent to seize any excuse to get away.

The weather in Seattle was delicious. There was more sun than rain and either way was fine since the temperature was always so mild. I took a bus from Sea-Tac airport to my hostel near Pike Place Market. I got off several blocks away and walked through downtown, past the hammering man sculpture in front of the Seattle Art Museum (SAM). I had dry curry with string beans for lunch at a Thai restaurant called Typhoon! (the exclamation mark is theirs).

After checking in at the Green Tortoise Hostel, I went out to browse and sample Pike Place Market and walk to the Seattle Center, where I took the elevator to the top of the Space Needle. There were some clouds but I had good views and saw part of Mt. Rainier. I also checked out the architecture of the Experience Music Project and Science Fiction Museum but didn't buy a ticket for the exhibits. I took the monorail back to Westlake Center and returned to Pike Place Market for more epicurean thrills. I got a latte at the first Starbucks and a seafood pastie, chowder and soda bread at an Irish pub, Kell's. I considered checking out the nightlife but decided I'd rather be early to bed and early to rise.

March 2008: A Monthly Review

Next morning, after breakfast, I headed east down Pike Street into Capitol Hill to see the streets and public art (for example, the Jimi Hendrix statue) I stopped every hour or so to refuel at some café or the other. I went to Volunteer Park to see the greenhouse, nearby cemetery, the 'black doughnut'. and climb the Olmsted Water Tower. I then took a long walk in Washington Park Arboretum. The Japanese Garden was closed but the Joseph A. Witt Winter Garden was at its peak. Everything was in bloom. There was also great waterfowl viewing at Duck Bay and on the islands in Union Bay.

I crossed the Lake Union canal on Montlake and walked across the University of Washington campus. I had a salmon teriyaki bento box for lunch and then walked west on 45th Street, stopping at the X-Rated Bakery and the Teahouse Kuan Yin, where I got a pink chai to go, instead of the usual coffee. I went as far north as Green Lake Park for more urban greenery and then headed south, past the Zoo and Rose Garden, into the Fremont neighborhood. It started to drizzle for the first time since my arrival. I paid a visit to the troll beneath the Highway 99 Bridge before crossing. There were great nighttime views of Seattle from the bridge and even better ones of downtown and the Space Needle as I descended from the heights of Queen Anne. All of Seattle Center was dramatically lit up. I had dinner at my hostel and went to bed early again.

The next day, Sunday, I headed out early and made my way to Pier 52, where I took a ferry to Bainbridge Island. The ferry ride was breathtaking. I stood at the prow and watched sea lions swim in the water and tufted puffins fly by. I had hoped that Bainbridge would be a semi-wild place but it was only green in a suburban way. I wandered around the quaint but dull commercial district and had a pastry and warm milk at the Blackbird Bakery. I ignored the 'private beach' signs and walked along the shore, collecting sand dollars. After an hour or so, I really found Bainbridge too sedate to bother with, but before I ferried back to Seattle, I decided to rent a kayak and paddle around Eagle Harbor. That was a good choice; being on the water was fun. A bald eagle flew right over my head and a harbor seal kept poking its head up to check me out. Eagle Harbor indeed!

Back in Seattle, I headed over to Pioneer Square to see the sites and sights of Old Seattle. I visited the Klondike National Park exhibition and ventured up King Street to Chinatown to see the giant lantern in Kobe Terrace Park. I had a gyro for lunch and more coffee at Zeitgeist and Elliot Bay Books.

In the evening, I decided to check out the gay side of Seattle. The Seattle Steamworks was okay for sex and neck-rubs but it was definitely lacking in steam. Lukewarm saunas and steam rooms suck (in a bad way). After that, I went over to The Seattle Eagle. It had a cool atmosphere. I sipped a bourbon and coke and watched a few episodes of Wildboyz on the monitors. That show was so great. Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom meets gonzo journalism meets soft-core gay porn.

The next morning was drizzly. I killed some time checking out the corporate public art downtown and admiring the mostly fogged-out view from the Bank of America Building observation deck. It was the off-season for taking in panoramic views, so security had to escort me to the room personally and I had it all to myself. Then I got on the underground 'bus subway' and headed out to Sea-Tac for a greasy lunch at Ivar's Seafood (at the airport) and an uneventful flight back to STL.

Shortly after my return to St Louis, there was another disgustingly epic snowstorm. Usually the extremely bad weather is done by the end of February, but not his year. I read that it was the first time since 1991 that more than six inches of snow fell in March. It was that weekend I canceled visiting my relatives at the last minute. They wanted to take me out for dinner to tardily celebrate my last birthday (My birthday is in June, I might add…). However the day I was supposed to drive over to meet them was not a day I should have even left the house. I begrudgingly got in my car and only got about ten blocks before I almost ran a red light. I decided I wasn't mentally stable enough to drive and turned around and went home.

I did visit my relatives two weeks later, for Easter. It snowed then too, but not nearly as heavily. It was a relaxed gathering. I found it pleasant for a while, but eventually was anxious to go home. It was good to see people I hadn't seen for awhile, like my cousin Lynn from Miami.

I also ended my talk therapy with Dr. Kenton Lee Wertman. I just felt it wasn't going anywhere. I certainly don't mind talking about my past and present issues but I do get tired of going over them repeatedly without achieving any further resolution. When I first started seeing Dr. Wertman last fall I found it very helpful but our sessions never seemed to regain momentum after his three-week holiday break …

The 16th was an unusually mild day so I went hiking in West Tyson County Park. Hardly anything had even leafed out and nothing was in flower, but the moss and ground lichens looked lush under the bare trees. It was also a good day for bird watching and I was just happy to be out in the sunshine. Before my hike in West Tyson, I stopped at the nearby Route 66 State Park along the Meramac River. The park is officially dedicated to the historic highway but its location is due to a darker page in history. Route 66 State Park is actually Times Beach, Missouri (!), the site of one of one of the most infamous Superfund toxic waste clean-up sites. The park brochure spins the story by describing the debacle as "one of the nation's environmental success stories" (!!!). I had to reach down to pick my jaw off the floor. Still, to be fair, now that all of the dioxin has been incinerated and buried, the place is a pleasant patchwork of meadows and second-growth forest. It was abounding in bird life, the day I went there.

Around the equinox, in an effort to rush the season and purify my domestic environment, I spring-cleaned my apartment, though the weather was hardly spring-like. It felt good to sweep, dust and polish everything. I also put away my down comforter and fur parka. The weather was still chilly but seeing my winter paraphernalia depressed me even more.

On the 27th, the well-known plant phylogeneticist, Dr. Pamela Soltis, came and gave a talk for the biology department about her work with hybrid Tragopogon species. At the reception after her talk, another graduate student offered me a spare ticket to a Margaret Cho concert that Washington University was sponsoring that very night. I didn't even know she was performing, which demonstrates how woefully disengaged I can be. So that evening I walked over to the 560 Music Center on Delmar. The auditorium was about half-full. I'm not a huge fan but some of her jokes were pretty funny. I'd never seen her perform live before, though I have seen a couple of her concert films. The opening act was by an F2M transsexual comedian. He was pretty good too. Margaret and I had actually known each other in high school, long ago in the Bay Area, so I decided to see if I could go back stage and say 'hi' to her. After getting the usual run-around by unhelpful theater bureaucrats. I got the attention of somebody who was willing to go backstage and see if Margaret wanted to see me. So I did end up meeting with her for about a minute, since she had to go to a private reception. We hugged and exchanged pleasantries, but to be honest, our reunion was kind of awkward. It had been such a long time since we had seen each other that neither one of us had that much to say or even ask each other. Since I hadn't even expected to be at her show until two hours before I really didn't give any thought to what I would say to her. O well, it was still good to reconnect with my past, even if only briefly.

The gardening season at Clemens Community Garden began with an outdoor planning meeting on a chilly morning on the last Saturday of the month. As with all planning sessions, it will be interesting to see which plans actually get accomplished and which languish or get scrapped.

January 2008: A Monthly Review

I used to think that January was worse than December because there were no holiday festivities to break up the winter gloom. But this year, I've felt the opposite. Taking the full effect of Thanksgiving and Xmas without a mid-winter getaway had left me discomfited and drained of cheer by year's end. In comparison, January came on like a refreshing escape from the rituals of 2007. It also helped that the weather this January has felt particularly mild, at least by my mid-western standards. There have been many cold days, but those were broken up by several spells of ridiculously warm weather. Some daytime highs hit the 70s. Of course, the month did end on a bad note when the temperature went from 70º to 16º in a matter of hours and the next day, nearly a foot of snow fell on the city. Already exhausted from long hours in the lab, that cold front did me in. I had to call in sick and sleep for an inordinate number of hours, perhaps 30 in the space of two days.

I usually prefer to be a hermit in St. Louis, especially in winter, but the warm weather inspired me to attend more social events than I might have otherwise. Too often, going out is just a disappointment in St. Louis and I never feel like I missed anything if I stay home. However, this month, I reconnected with several friends and the effort was definitely worthwhile.

On the 6th, I went to my former neighbor, Nicole Trippany's birthday party at her new flat in south city. We haven't seen each other much since she moved so it was really pleasant to catch up. I brought her a model goose as a gift and bean & pasta salad for the party. Nicole has some interesting friends, mostly women, and it was great to meet them again or for the first time. One of her friends brought a fire-pit, which they filled and lit on the front lawn. It was lovely but hardly necessary since the night was so warm.

I also got together with my friend Brian Crisp for the first time since Halloween (yes, that night…). We went to dinner at an Italian bistro called Stellina Pasta (I don't recommend it.) and then back to Brian's swank loft on Washington Ave. for cultural enrichment. I saw my first film starring the legendary Rudy Ray Moore: Disco Godfather. Now I'll have to see Dolemite to get the full effect. Brian is so hilarious. He can do Jerri Blank's voice perfectly. I'm so jealous.

Thanks to the internet, I also reconnected with two good friends from ages past. Leon Atkinson was my best friend throughout junior high school in Martinez. We did all the comic book, rock band, role-playing game, computer, hair, occult and prank kind-of stuff together. It was great hearing about his life now and sharing news about people we both knew. His writing me, inspired me to hunt down yet another old friend and highly unique individual, Cheiko Redmer, whom I have known since 4th grade. Though it wasn't until the 90s that we truly conspired in pursuing a variety of acidic, verboten and generally 'snapped' obsessions (often with the equally notorious Rick 'Cremaster' Lewis). Meeting up again with these two excellent people has confirmed my belief that people don't so much change as they grow older, but rather become ever more like their true selves. Modern technology make ours, an age of rediscovery and reconnection. Nothing and no one is lost forever anymore. I totally dig it… but it's probably hell for those who want to forget or be forgotten.

Several friends, especially Adam de Cruz, have been encouraging me to open a Facebook account but I resisted because I didn't like the bland, uniform look and school clique focus of Facebook. I also felt too busy to start a second social profile. However, this month I took the initiative. After playing around with it for a few weeks, my conclusion is that Facebook isn't as bad as I thought it would be… though I still like Myspace better, due to its visual diversity and freer social structure. However I have met a few cool people on Facebook that don't conform to its conservative, country-club stereotype. The only Facebook feature I really wish that Myspace would adopt is the Superwall application, because I like having the ability to quickly and easily paint and send digital art to my friends.

…and the most epic event this month was my accepting an invitation from my friend, John Newmeyer, to escape St. Louis for a long weekend in San Francisco and Napa. This was such a short visit home that I only told a few of my friends that I was coming. I really need at least a couple weeks to do a trip home properly. I apologize to those I missed seeing. This was my first visit home in almost a year and a half… and that's far too long. The rest of this review will concern the events of that weekend.

The day I flew in to California, the 17th, was absolutely cloudless. I had perfect views of Yosemite, Consumnes, Mt. Diablo, Briones, Mt. Tam, Pt. Reyes, the Farallones and San Francisco, including the new construction on the Bay Bridge and CalAcademy. I landed in SFO and took BART to 24th & Mission. The weather was warm and sunny: superb even by California standards. First I visited some Mission bookstores, had lunch at Ali Baba's Cave and then headed over to the Castro to briefly live the gay American dream. I bought a whole array of different oversized dog tag chains at Cliff's Hardware and sampled some cheese at A. G. Ferrari. Then I climbed Corona Heights, a nearby hill that overlooks the city. It is crowned with a magnificent rock formation suitable for both pagan sacrifices and sundowner cocktails. I found four native wild flowers in bloom: Eschscholzia californica, Lathyrus vestita, Sanicula arctopodoides, and Sidacea malvaeflora.

Next I walked over to forested Buena Vista Park for more beautiful views. I was barked at by an adorable chihuahua, who was among a dozen dogs being walked by a professional walker. I also accidentally walked through the shot of a student film crew who were using a taxidermed antelope as a prop. At one point, I smelled the sweet smoke of marijuana coming from the shrubbery, but never espied the toker.

At 4, I headed down the hill to meet a friend, Tom Bacon, at Café Flore. We sat and talked about old friends and new expeditions. Tom is retired and takes these fantastic trips to the wildest parts of the globe. Later, we were joined by another friend, Jack Busby, an architect. Both Tom and Jack are avid readers and amateur novelists so they had much to talk about. It was especially nice of Jack to take time to see me since his boyfriend was ill at the time with pneumonia and had to be hospitalized. The three of us went for dinner at La Mediterranee, across the street. Afterwards, Jack had to take off. Tom and I strolled down to Dolores Park and then back to the Flore. I remember talking at length about my homesickness and dissatisfaction. At the end of the evening, Tom dropped me off at the Elements hostel on Mission Street, where I had made reservations for one night. I found the place dodgier than its adverts had led me to believe. Even by hostel standards its something of a dump. I don't recommend it.

The next morning, I awoke early and occupied the shared bathroom first, before checking my e-mail and then checking out. Unfortunately, I left a present for John (a calendar) on top of the computer in the hostel and didn't remember it until hours later …(sigh). I got coffee at Muddy Waters and non-fat milk and bananas at the 16th & Valencia Market. I ate my breakfast at my favourite bench at the very top of Dolores Park, taking in the panoramic view.

Fed, I then took off on a long city walk that took me back to the Castro, over Buena Vista Park, up Haight St. and into Golden Gate Park. I walked through the AIDS Memorial Grove to my destination: the Music Concourse flanked by the new DeYoung Museum and even newer (not even finished) California Academy of Sciences. I took many pictures of the gardens and buildings. I went inside the DeYoung for the first time since it was rebuilt. I always missed it being open on previous visits. I didn't have time to see the exhibits but I did go up to the ninth floor of the observation tower. The changing view was exciting to behold. I think our time is a golden one for public architecture. My favourite piece of art, besides the buildings, was a monumental Chinese boulder cast in stainless steel and set outside in the sculpture garden.

I took the trails on the north side of Golden Gate Park back to Stanyan and Fulton and then headed east by northeast towards Gough House, John's Queen Anne Victorian on Gough Street. Along the way I had an avocado and turkey sandwich at Lucky's and strolled through both Alta Vista Plaza and Lafayette Park.

I arrived at John's a little after one. It was so good to see him. We spent several hours getting reacquainted before John began his preparations for the dinner he was throwing that night. It was the 290th monthly dinner of the Lunar Society, a social institution that John founded over 24 years ago. It is impressive to observe and assist an experienced host prepare for a party. In the space of three or four hours, John (and I) shopped for, cooked and set the table for a dinner party for nine. The menu included pork chops in an almondine sauce, popovers and plum pudding with hard sauce. Among the guests were two gay men who had been in the military during WWII. That fact inspired us to look through a couple of historic pictorials of military men at leisure, edited by Evan Bachner. The images were both sexy and sociologically fascinating. Men back then seemed much less aware of the eroticism of their own bodies, while simultaneously more comfortable with their own nudity. I suppose that relationship makes sense actually.

The next day, John and I drove up to Napa to spend the weekend unwinding at his ranch, where we partook of such bucolic activities as hiking, canoeing, botanizing and chantrelle hunting. The milk-maids (Cardamine californica) were in bloom as were the manzanita (Arctostaphylos spp.) and bay laurel (Umbellularia californica). Two of John's 'ranchmates' came by Saturday for dinner. Once again the food was incredible, including chicken marsala, zablione and, of course, the chantrelles we gathered that afternoon.

On Sunday, the sun was partly clouded over, but it was still so beautiful. After waffles for breakfast, we spent the morning hiking to the top of Sugarloaf Peak… and then Scrabble and canoeing on Long Lake to a picnic spot in the afternoon. We drove back to the city that evening. The next day there was time in the morning before I had to go to the airport, so John and I took a drive and paid some short visits to some beautiful spots along the city's northern shoreline, such as the Crissy Field wetland, Fort Point, Seacliff and Mountain Lake. In the late morning it began to rain for the first time since I arrived, even that was nostalgically pleasant. I took BART back to SFO. My original flight was heavily delayed but I was able to transfer to an earlier direct flight so it all worked out for the best.

December 2007: A Monthly Review

For the most part, this was a quiet month, I guess I wanted or needed it that way. I started a new volume of my diary, 'piece', but I haven't written in it much since the first week. I just haven't felt up to communicating properly, even with myself. I need to change that starting today, with some essential blogging.

My car had to go back into the shop for another replacement part. This time it was just a transmission fluid hose. I took it to Hartmann's Towing instead of Loop Automotive since Hartmann's discovered the problem while performing their free annual holiday vehicle inspection for Wash U students.

I had a committee meeting over at the Missouri Botanical Garden. The members of my committee who were able to attend were the four that I don't see very often. It made for a good chance to give particular focus to their feedback. The meeting went well, though it started off with an exasperating tech problem because the laptop and the data projector had compatibility issues. It wouldn't have happened if I had the laptop that I normally use.

I also had my day in traffic court to contest the parking ticket I got in November. It was given for not being parked by the curb when my car's alternator suddenly died. There really wasn't a trial, just a private meeting in somebody's office. The administrator was very understanding about my situation and the ticket was cleared. It was a small victory within the overall defeat of having to go to all the effort to contest the ticket in the first place. Like many bureaucracies, the Saint Louis Department of Traffic is deliberately evasive and inefficient to deal with by mail or by phone but if you can get through to see somebody face-to-face, it seems to work okay.

On the second weekend of the month, it snowed heavily on Saturday. So on Sunday, I went out to Forest Park and tromped across the brilliantly white and unplayable golf course. I visited the Missouri History Museum to learn more about the early days of St. Louis and the Louisiana Territory. Besides the regular exhibits there was also a great traveling exhibit about Jamestown, Quebec and Santa Fe, which were the first permanent English, French and Spanish settlements in North America, north of Mexico. I didn't have time to see everything I wanted to so I went back the following weekend.

In the middle of the month the cornea of my left eye became red. It isn't the first time this has occurred. The condition doesn't affect my sight and isn't painful, though this time I did have the sensation of pressure in the area below my eyebrow. I went over to Student Health Services to have it checked out. My initial appointment led to an eye test at the Vision Center and then another appointment at Student Health to get a series of blood tests. I tested negative for everything, which is good news, except that the cause of my red eye remains idiopathic. But at least I know I don't have rheumatic arthritis, lupus, gout or syphilis. Like the other times before, my red eye cleared up on its own with only minimal treatment.

My therapist, Dr. Wertman, closes shop for the holidays so I've had to prepare for a two-week hiatus from psychological processing. Most of the time I'm fine but sometimes I really notice how much worse situations get when they aren't been dissected and analyzed. ALL wounds need to be cleaned and dressed before infection sets in.

I've also gotten serious about cutting back on my caffeine consumption. I'm no longer taking the half-assed half-caf route. I still love coffee and tea, but now its almost always decaffeinated. However, I'm completely sick of diet coke and chocolate. As far as sodas go, I find I prefer diet lemon-lime more than cola.

I spent some time cleaning up and updating my personal website. It is neither finished nor perfect but it is much more presentable than it was before. Feel free to check it out if you like: www.marckmenke.com.

The week around Christmas found me in a particularly dreary and low-energy state. I dislike major holidays, especially Christmas. The problem is due both to the immediate stress of social and familial obligations as well as the accumulated depression, anxiety and dissatisfaction of an entire year coming to a close. I'm not sure that I handled the situation as well as I should have but at least I had enough sense to lay low and not become a complete basketcase…. and yes, the therapy and caffeine withdrawal may have been contributing factors, as well.

Christmas day festivities with my relatives were actually okay, despite my anxiety and desire to be alone. It was my first time since 2002 because I'm often traveling over the holidays. I went to Barbara and Jerry's house in St. Charles. I brought them spicy mixed nuts (almonds & pecans) and a poinsettia. Before dark, I saw a red-tailed hawk in the trees behind their house. During dinner, I ended up sitting next to somebody's baby… It was okay but I'm glad I'm not around children often. I also forgot that I was through with chocolate and ate a ton of it that evening. People brought me little gifts like candles and unusual teas. That was really sweet of them. Barbara had told me "no gifts" and since I'm all for minimal fuss, I happily complied, except for host presents, of course. Barbara sent me home with two turkey drumsticks and stuffing. I'd never had turkey drumsticks before. I discovered that turkey drumstick meat is darker, stringier and much more abundant than that of chicken. I served the meat with Thai red curry.

A couple of days later, I met my cousins Lynne and Joyce at the Missouri Botanical Garden for a mid-winter stroll and lunch at Sassafras. It was good to be with them since we rarely see each except for holiday dinners. We walked all over the Garden, including the Linnaean House, Tower Grove House, Japanese Garden and the Temperate House & Climatron. We saw three wood ducks in the Japanese pond and another red-tailed hawk in the Woodland Garden. I do find the bleakness of bare trees and grey sky to be beautiful.

I also spoke with my parents on the phone for the first time in almost a year and a half. I psyched myself up before calling. Preparation is essential. My mother sent me a box of irregular clothes and fattening fudge for Xmas. I've told her many times that I don't want gifts (though I'll take money) so getting the package actually pissed me off. One of my problems with them is that they never listen to me and the unwanted gift was just one more example of that. I kept the conversation brief and civil, though there were awkward pauses because I didn't have much to say. I did ask her to send me the names and birth/ death/marriage dates of her family since I'd like to at least have an outlined knowledge of my 'roots'. We'll see if she bothers to do that… While she's often happy to do what I don't want, if I actually do ask for something she is just as likely to decide to not do it…

I did nothing for New Year's Eve, except communicate with friends on-line. The weather got terrifically cold and windy on the last day of the year, the coldest it's been so far this winter. Instead of seeking out strange old films as I often do, I decided to end the year by watching DVDs of old television shows that I loved, like Strangers With Candy and The Young Ones. I'm going to go on record to say that 'S.W.C.' is the funniest show ever.

... and I sent out my New Year Cards only a couple of days before NYE. This year they were made of black construction paper with complex angular cuts and two images of myself. I also made the envelopes this year: salmon pink with silver reinforcements. The accompanying poem was a single line: '2008 - Great!'. I made it short to encourage frequent repetition and it can either be said sincerely or sarcastically, however the current situation warrants. I also sent out a modified myspace version of the card to a few hundred of my nearest and dearest.

Okay, enough 2007... 2008 - Great!

November 2007: A Monthly Review

To be sure, it was a particularly beautiful November with exceptionally brilliant autumn foliage and many unseasonably warm days... but of course, the subtext of my entire month has been one of recovery and strengthening following my attack on Halloween. I've talked over and analyzed the event and its aftermath in my journal, with my therapist and with friends who were willing to listen, I replaced the stolen objects that I needed and wrote off the rest, and I also made sure that the school sent out a crime alert to the campus community. It was a rather inadequate description that was sent out but better than none at all. I also found the pepper spray canister that I was attacked with, albeit nine days after the attack. I was walking past the scene of the crime when I noticed a small white tube pressed into the grass as if somebody had stepped on it. It was a canister of Back Off dog repellent and it was only ten feet away from where I was attacked. I turned it over to the University City Police. I was told they would call me back, but they never did.
The police really did do a piss-poor job of investigating the crime. Perhaps they felt embarrassed that the victim ended up finding the only clue on his own.


Car trouble also struck this month. I was driving through Forest Park, on my way to the Missouri Botanical Garden, when my car suddenly lost power and stopped in the middle of the road that runs along the edge of the St. Louis Zoo. Fortunately, that didn't happen in heavy traffic. Imagine how terrible it would be if it happened on the freeway! I walked to the zoo to find a phone to call AAA for a tow and when I returned there was a parking ticket on my window… A police officer came along and used his car to push my car to the side of the road, while I steered. However the car was still in a lane of traffic, so I don't see how it was much of an improvement. The tow truck showed up a short while later and drove my car and me to my local mechanic shop. It turned out the car needed a new alternator.

Since I was without a car for almost a week, I decided to return to my former habit of walking back from the grocery store with my full-sized camping backpack full of groceries. Usually that system works fine but this time one of the gallons of milk I was carrying started to leak and I ended up dribbling a trail milk all the home from the store, both a mess and an annoyance. (sigh)

I had the worn-out fur trim on my winter parka replaced with silver fox. Though this November had many exceptionally mild-weathered days there were already enough cold and nasty ones that I was very glad to have my parka in serviceable condition. The next three months or so will find me frequently sporting modern-day Eskimo drag. I also tried to sew one of the buttons on my parka and managed to sew right through one of the pockets (sigh).

I read a collection of short stories by Nathaniel Hawthorne that I picked up in Philadelphia. His romantic ideals made the stories seem very strange to my somewhat modern sensibilities. It was peculiarly enjoyable to get a glimpse of what an early 19th century mind considered to be virtuous or vice-ridden. Of course, some of the stories brought back memories of (partially) reading The Scarlet Letter back in 9th Grade. The stories I read were The Artist of the Beautiful, The Birthmark, Dr. Heidegger's Experiment, My Kinsman Major Molineux, Rappaccini's Daughter, Roger Malvin's Burial and Young Goodman Brown.

On Thanksgiving, I left shortly before dusk to drive to the home of my aunt's sister in Florissant for a family dinner. I went by a different route than I had taken in previous years, and though I had a map, the unfamiliar freeway exits undid me. My first try at leaving the freeway found me circling a deserted shopping center parking lot and my next attempt brought me across the Missouri River into St. Charles County… By then, I was so late and fed up that I decided to just go home. Even my return took longer than I hoped, due to another wrong turn. The whole expedition was just pathetic. In truth, I really didn't feel like celebrating Thanksgiving anyway. I just wish I had stayed resolved in my decision to be non-participatory.

Since I was a no-show for Thanksgiving, my aunt invited me to Sunday dinner at her house in St. Charles. This time I resolved to be social and arrived on time with a potted poinsettia as a hostess gift. Besides my aunt, Barbara, and my uncle, Jerry, there were also Barbara's sister, Janet, another uncle named Bill, my cousins, Lynne and Joyce, and Joyce's husband, Rodney, and their two daughters, Elizabeth and Hannah. The meal had an ersatz Mexican theme to it and was quite pleasant.

The most interesting part of the evening with my relatives was when Jerry brought out a genealogical history that had been compiled about the ancestors of my paternal grandfather. I've never wanted to put much effort into exploring my family history but I'm happy to read through the efforts of others. I never knew that my great-grandfather's parents had both emigrated separately from Prussian Westphalia in the 1860s. Nor did I know that my paternal great-grandmother had died of tuberculosis in a sanitarium in 1915. She was only 31. It made me sad to read about that. I learned that her mother's ancestry is almost entirely French and French-Canadian, with some members of her family arriving from France to the New World as early as the 17th Century. I also learned that one of my great-great-great-great-great-great grandmothers was an Indian woman from the Iowa tribe!

The last work party of the season for my local community garden fell on a mild sunny day. It felt good to put the garden to bed for the year and not have to think about it again until March. The other gardeners and I cleaned out the dead vegetation and put it in the compost. We also spread wheelbarrows of wood chips over the thin areas of the garden paths. My own plot was a huge mounded tangle of morning glory vines growing over dead tomatoes and the like. Next time, I'm going to be stern about weeding out all morning glories as soon as they pop up.

I visited the Body Worlds 3 exhibit at the St. Louis Science Center. It was a fantastic show. I expected it to be scientifically educational but I was surprised to feel that it was even more powerful as art. First of all, the plasticized corpses are intricately beautiful; simultaneously showing the skill of both evolution and the sculptor. Secondly, the artfully arranged corpses make elegantly profound statements of what it really means to be human, living or dead. The crowd at the exhibit also exceeded my expectations. Almost everyone there seemed understanding, attentive and aware. Some of the viewer's knowledge of anatomical terms was truly impressive. Nobody treated the art like a gross-out show or an atrocity exhibit. I suspect that the message inherent in the posed and preserved bodies was too primal to ignore or misinterpret. Still I must admit, even though I had no intellectual, emotional or moral qualms about viewing dead human bodies, I still found myself becoming a tad queasy midway through the show. This reaction seemed to me to be a strictly physiological phenomenon. I sat down on a bench for a little while and soon felt well enough to continue. Afterwards, I toured the rest of the Science Center again, as it was my first visit there in over a year. At dusk, I walked home across the almost-empty pastoral splendor of Forest Park. The fall color was at its peak and rivaled only by the brilliant sunset of that evening.

My landlord sent out a proclamation that all tenant's had to empty their basement storage areas by the end of November. Supposedly the property managers considered the storage areas to be liabilities… At first I wanted to protest such a ridiculous commandment but then decided to not bother, as it was a good thing, at least in my case. Sorting through everything in storage and getting rid of most of it, made a good trial run for my inevitable move when I'll have to process through the entirety of my valued yet worthless possessions… Also, three of my neighbors moved out over the course of November. First, Machele on the first floor left to stay with a girlfriend and then the noisy couple upstairs, Emma and Jose, decided to leave for a presumably greener pasture. It's good to have neighbors so I hope that pleasant people move in soon. I don't believe the storage room decision had anything to do with any of the recent departures.

I wrote the final entry in connected AND contented, the 21st volume of my journal. It ran from the third of February to the 25th of this month. It feels good to finish a volume and put a close on the recent past. Sort of like New Years' Eve except that it comes at irregular times. In this case, it's like having a trial run for the new year, only a month early. I'll start my next volume in December. It is called Piece.

November is often a particularly preparatory month for me. I may never be entirely content during my stay (sentence) in St. Louis but the bitterly cold winter months are usually the worst. Thus, when it starts to get cold in November I begin to prepare for the bleak darkness, both materially and psychologically. Rather than fall apart in these hard times, I hope to have the brutal weather and isolating culture act to brace my will and strengthen my resolve. Sometimes I imagine myself as a hermit monk living alone in my mountain fastness with my books and herbs and a fire that I carefully tend, while outside there is nothing but ice and snow, bitter cold and stygian dark. Howling wind whips along precipitous ravines and jagged peaks but I will be strong, wise and secure in my stony keep as I await the spring to come… Let the dead season begin!