"Landscapes can be deceptive.
Sometimes a landscape seems to be less a setting
for the life of its inhabitants than a curtain behind which
their struggles, achievements and accidents take place.

For those who, with the inhabitants, are behind
the curtain, landmarks are no longer only geographic
but also biographical and personal." - John Berger

The last week and a half has been the hardest time I have ever gone through in my life.
I don't think that there is anything harder to face up to in life than myself and what that means to me.
Realization means honesty and escape from years of condemnation and anguish -except its like escaping from a cage only to realize that you're only other option is to enter another cage, maybe slightly bigger and better but a cage none the less.

Trapped between one cage and another smaller cage - a wooden box, just big enough to fit my body in before its purpose of being deposited below the ground or placed into the flames is realized, I chose the larger of the two cages.
I'm not sure if there is any escape from this, but God willing the cage can only get larger.

Anyway, many of those who know me will know that I have struggled with depression for a long time – probably longer than the time I have even known any of you.
The last year has been a real trial for me, many lonely nights spent wondering dark streets and many hours spent watching the river flow past, many times where I have felt that life is not worth the effort.
I have been put on medication, which I am still taking.
I have been seeing a councilor and talking to a chaplain about life.
About whom I am and what that means to me, and to God.

Anyway, this has meant coming to admit something that I have been trying to deny, avoid and change for a large part of my life.
The nights spent in tears, crying to God to take this from me, to somehow make me normal, like everyone else.
The countless hours in prayer asking God to fix me and make me well - prayers addressed to a God who seemingly didn't care what I was going through and didn't respond at all.
I wish I knew why he didn't listen, or didn't care.
I still don't know why. I don't understand why God would make anyone go through a life like this because it is hard and doesn't make any sense to me.
I guess I've never really understood much about God, or life either.

Last Sunday I faced the choice.
Do I admit this thing to myself, or do I carry out one of my many plans to finally end this suffering?
Continuing as I was going was no longer an option for me.

Obviously, as I am still sitting at my desk, with a cat on my lap, writing this confession very much alive, I chose to face up to myself and admit to myself that I am gay.
Don't ask me to explain why, all the literature that I have read seems to indicate that it is caused by a variety of causes including genetic, hormonal and developmental factors.
I don't know.
I don't know why God would put this curse on anyone.

Admitting this has turned my whole life upside down, all my hopes and dreams have died.
I look at my hands typing this out and wonder who they belong to.
I get up in the morning and wonder who I am, what nasty surprises I have to face up to each day.
I wonder how I held this in for as long as I did and I wonder how I managed to justify this lie to myself for so long.

Dante places people like me in the third ring of the seventh circle of hell, in the company of usurers.
I am in a desert of naked spirits scourged by flakes of fire; he makes me run in circles, perpetually and in futility, looking for the bodies of those I have defiled - in my case, looking for nothing in utter futility.
Hell therefore seems very much like what life is like for me anyway so it shouldn't be too much of an adjustment.

Where is God in all of this? Why me Lord? Why do I have to endure this torment?
How can I be sinning, by simply existing? Where is the escape?
I receive no answer to any of these questions.

I know God exists, I know he has some sort of plan, I know he loves me.
I just don't know why.

The most horrible thing about this admission is telling other people. I haven't actually changed but I know that people's perceptions of me will change.
Theologically I guess I was always erring on the liberal side of things but to admit this swings me way out into the fold of the heathen liberals.
In one sense, it might be a good thing. A concrete reminder that I am no good and never can be good – the good is God alone and on his grace I fall onto, hoping for peace.

I don't know where life goes to from here.
I have told most of my friends and they have been understanding and encouraging.
Although I almost prefer it if people find out via the rumor mill as I don't have to face the point of telling people.
This has turned my life upside down and the worst part is that I knew it would come to the surface one day. I don't think I was prepared, how does one prepare for something like this?

I guess I've always been at home on the fringes of things, this cements my position!
No doubt I'll have more to write on this subject as I explore the implications in my head.

To finish with another John Berger quote.
"This is written in the night.
In war the dark is on nobody's side,
in love the dark confirms that we are together."

I'm bored so i'm writing crap on here.

I slept in this morning and had to rush to get to work in time, i hate it when that happens, but it's good to sleep in to. I need to start getting up and running again.

Work has been quiet today, lots of time to look at crap on the internet and think about things.
Trying to become more conscious of the world around me in a strange way.
Trying to enjoy the sensations of different things.

A whole lot of packages arrived today with no names on them, i have to try and get them to the people that ordered them and usually i am more active about it but today i'm feeling really apathetic and can't be bothered.
I feel like watching a movie when i get home.

I never seem to have anything to write about these days, every day seems to be like a repeat of the day before.
The world around me is changing in leaps and bounds but inside my head i still feel that i'm the same as i was ten years ago.

The street i live on has changed a bunch in the last year, everyone seems to be subdividing their sections and building crappy townhouses.
The supermarket i have been going to for the last 9 years has closed down.
The fruit and vege shop i used to love is long gone, the shop that replaced it is also gone.
The garden center i used to go to is gone and the post shop i used to pay my bills at is gone.
Every neighbour i had when i moved to hamilton is gone (i think 95% of the people that used to live on my road when i moved to hamilton has now moved away even some of the houses have been moved) and it seems i hardly know my friends anymore.
Nothing new, just loss of the old.
Even the weather these days seems strange and unfamiliar, with strong winds and days of total unpredictability.

Work has changed with everyone i used to know now long gone, i don't even feel at home in my lab anymore.
There is a new student working on my bench and everyone is younger than me (but someone told me the other day that i look like i'm 23 or something, so i guess i still look the part).

I kinda thought that i would be changing at the same rate as the world around me but it's impossible to keep up with all the things happening. I just retreat further into my own little world and try and ignore the way that it doesn't quite fit with reality.
I wish i could just fall asleep and slide into dreaming and never wake up again, dreams seem to be far more enjoyable.

Delivery and customer come at the same time, guy wanting batteries and marker pens. A box containing two boxes of gloves and a bag of air. Boxes containing boxes containing boxes ad infinitum.

I wish i could go home and relax and read a book. I know i'll just end up watching episodes of south park or futurama that i already almost know by heart. Boredom and unmotivation. I guess i should go and pay the paper bill that's sitting at home if it's not raining. The several month overdue paper bill.
I was hoping the world would end before i needed to pay it. I think i have enough money at the moment, even though this week leaves me officially pennyless. Remember to fill out timesheet so i get money next week...

Serve customer, paper towels, batteries and dishwashing liquid.

Fill timesheet out, because today is not tuesday like my mind keeps telling me it is, but thursday.
Back to thinking about what to write here. Drawing blanks in my mind. I wish the things i read about in books or listen to in music would happen in real life. Life would be richer if it had some essence of real struggle to it, rather than just drifting like a ghost all the time. Then i'd have something to write about.
I want to get a cat or a dog or something.
If i can't have people for friends then i guess animals are the next best thing.
I don't even know what i'm thinking about right now. Just blank.
Thinking of yesterday, i went to communion with the brothers at the friary, actually only Damian was there. It was his 24th anniversary of profession. That is a long time to be a friar for. The service was taken by Matua David, and it was just Br. Damian, Doug (who lives at the friary during the week) and Rosemary (a solitary religious who has made vows to the bishop) and me. A quick service that made me think about where i am at in my life.
I think i would one day like to join the brothers at the friary, but i have too much to let go of before i can.

anyways.. until i can think of more to write about that is it.

n

Waiting waiting... and then a whole bunch of stuff happens at once and it's hard to keep up with it all.
I'm sure that most of life is spend in waiting for things to happen.

I'm sitting in the store, kind of bored, kind of happy to not be doing anything, kind of wishing i was.

Spent a while looking at kittens on trademe. So cute. I wish i had some money then i would get a maine coon kitten or something else large and cool.

Spent the weekend in Tauranga.
Thinking and dreaming. Soaking in hot pools, riding my bike in familar and yet unfamiliar territory, playing with the cats, eating food with my family. Holiday for a day, i guess.

And then back to miserable reality. Bleh.
I wish i could just go home and shut all the doors and never leave the house again.
I wish i could just remain silent for the rest of my days.
I wish i could make my bed in the depths.

It all seems a strange way to order a universe, all this misery.

I get this strange feeling to think that a year ago i was doing exactly the same thing as i am doing now. I didn't think i'd ever be back here again.
I wonder if i'll be back again next year, quite possibly.

It's one of those days today, i slept in too long and had to rush around to get to work in time. I feel kinda tired and shitty.
I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon.
I don't like the doctor.
Bleh.

Still waiting it seems, for something to happen...
But what i don't know.

I feel like my bones are made of lead, it seems to require alot of effort to move these days.
But then movement seem to matter little, because it's all for no purpose and simply an excercise in futility.
It would be nice to lie down and fall asleep forever but that never happens.
I kept waking up this morning and trying to go back to sleep.
I'm not sure if i have a cold or not but i might do.
I slept in for ages, but not as long as i used to sleep in for.
I wish i had got up and just gone running, smackdown seems to have proken my pattern and the end of daylight savings seems to mark the end of summer, more distinctly than even this wind and rain does.
Mark the decsent into another winter and all the uncertainty goes with that. Uncertainty. Winter.

My money runs out at the end of march, and that has me totally paralised to do anything.
I have a job (i think) until the end of april and am supposed to be working on my writing in this time too.
From the end of april i'm lost.
The different options flick through my mind, just get on with writing, in which case the power will be out by june or july, i've got enough food to keep going for a while but i don't think food will be a problem. I wonder how little money i could actually survive on per week?
Or I could get a job, which at my current rate of writing will mean sacrificing my degree, not that i really care about that at all.
How can i work in this disconnection? I feel disconnected from everything, even myself.
Sometimes i feel like i'm looking down on my animated corpse.

but i'm not sure i can be bothered anymore.
It's kinda like talking, i'm no longer sure of the point.
I feel like i'm just doing things these days, with no point, no hope of anything, just doing things, doing things to stay alive.
Afraid that if i stop doing things that i will never be able to start doing things again. Just remain in that one place, as solid as a rock.

Afraid and confused. Giving up.
Thinking too much.

bleh.

*Finish this sentence*
I wish ...: I didn't need to worry about money all the time.

So many people don't know ...: how to treat other people with respect.

When I fall in love..: I dunno, it's yet to happen.

I am ...: pretty uninteresting.

My heart is ...: able to pump blood around my body.

I've always wanted to write a book about ....: Growing carnivorous plants, or orchids.

I've always wanted to learn...: the accordion, and Spanish, and Russian…


*This or that?*

Pictures or words? I dunno, pictures are kinda hard to interpret, words are a bit to easy…

Black + white or colour? Shades of grey..

plastic fantastic or au natural? Natural

sweet-tooth or salt-fiend? Salt probably…

Horror movie, crime thriller or romantic comedy? Horror?

Recipe books or all in your head? Half and half.

Cds or cassettes? Cds

white t-shirts or black? Blue .

Dark or milk chocolate? Dark

Gummy or hard lollies? Gummy, sans geletine.


*questions*

Favourite snack while watching a film: Hot chocolate!

One thing you never, ever forget to do: Jakob time!

Four places you'd rather be right now: Asleep, hot pools, in the garden and ???

Four of your favourite foods: Boysenberries, blueberries, sphagetti, new season apples

Sport you've always wanted to be good at, but just weren't Rugby! Anything actually.

What you wanted to change your name to when you were young: never really thought about it.

Favourite outfit you remember from your childhood: My really long fluoro yellow shorts with black frogs all over them, until someone at the beach said some rude comment to my face about them. Fuckers.

Items of clothing you would never, ever be caught dead in: anything made of spandex

Have you ever had a mullet? Don't think so

Favourite type of tea? Chai

One thing that you never fail to buy at the weekly supermarket shopping: salad, mayo, bread rolls

Main reason for not driving: Don't really need to drive and I'm lazy.

If you were a vegetable you would be a: broccoli, or asparagus

If you were an animal you would be a: A bat.

That said, which are your favourite vegetables and animals? Eggplant, broccoli asparagus, I like most of them. And all animals are cool. I like birds.

What have you always wanted to dress as for halloween (but ever have): Don't know, never really cared.

One place you've always wanted to visit, but haven't made it yet: South America

How long have you been vegetarian? Why did it start? Since 1999, but have slipped up a few times. I think the reason was to not have to eat what my flatmates at the time were cooking. But also environmental reasons.

Do you feel more of a connection with older people or children? Older people. Young kids scare me

What do you miss more about living at home? Fresh baking, someone doing your washing and cooking or just being around your family? Just having mum to hug me when I feel down.

One thing/toy/book etc from your childhood that you really miss? I used to have this really cool book of myths and legends that I used to love. I've never been able to find it though.

three achievable goals for the next year? Finish thesis, drivers liscence and love. Also gardening and getting tough.

Are homeschooled kids always weird? Don't know that many

Strangest thing you're afraid of? Mice and rats when I'm asleep, aka 1984

How strong stomached are you? Vomit? blood? I can handle blood, but not vomit. Eugh.

is it more important to have alot of contact with someone or really good quality time with them once in a blue moon? Both.

What really happened to princess Di? Sad, but heaps of people die on the roads everyday.

What would your super hero power be (I stole this question, obviously!)? Super strength. Or super wisdom.

Do you think life was better 50 years ago? In general? Yeah, probably. But I wouldn't know cos I wasn't here then.

three things you can't have a picnic without: dolma, friends and sun.

Three things a lady should always be: Happy, loved and content.

Three things you are hardly ever: on time, working in the garden and doing work.

Do people actually use flannels these days? I do.

The first 5 things you'd buy if you won lotto: A glasshouse, a party, stuff for my friends, a new kitchen and plants

If you HAD to have cosmetic surgery what would you have done? A mane would be awesome. Also muscle implants. And a new face. And body too.

Do you wish on stars? Sometimes, mostly I just look at them. And listen to them.

I just can't seem to get into writing. Everytime i sit down i think of heaps of things i would rather be doing or need to do at that particular time.
Stupid thesis... dammit..

Right now Jakob is sitting on my lab screaming, i don't know why. Oh, now he's on the floor.
What the heck is he doing?

Anyways, i keep coming back here in the hope of... actually, i don't know why i keep coming back here. The hundreds of like minded people i expected to find on here never eventuated neither did the masses of beautiful girls. Not that i really expected either.

I wish i didn't feel so blah all the time.

Blah blah blah. with a bird.

Current mood: Depressed
Current music: Emily/Joanna Newsome
Current taste: Water
Current hair: Normal
Current clothes: Singlet/Basketball shorts/shoes
Current annoyance: Life
Current smell: Hoya pubicalyx
Current thing I should be doing: Writing (not this)
Current windows open: All the windows in the house are open, it's a nice day.
Current desktop picture: Sunset
Current favorite band: Joanna Newsome
Current book: Can't seem to read at the moment.
Current cd in stereo: Joanna Newsome / Ys
Current crush: Noone
Current favorite celeb: Borat

[ DO YOU.. ]
Smoke?: No
Do drugs?: No
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: Yeah
Remember your first love?: First love? still waiting...
Still love him/her?: probably would..
Read the newspaper?: Yeah
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: Yeah
Believe in miracles?: I used to.
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: Yeah
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: I try.
Consider love a mistake?: Love?
Like the taste of alcohol?: Yeah
Have a favorite candy?: Maybe... acid drops?
Believe in astrology?: No
Believe in magic?: Yes
Believe in god?: Yes
Have any pets: Jakob, and some frogs.
Go to or plan to go to college: Do i have any plans to leave?
Have any piercings?: 19mm tunnels, some other ears, lip.
Have any tattoos?: Nope.
Hate yourself: Yeah
Have an obsession?: Maybe...
Have a secret crush?: nope
Have a best friend?: not sure
Wish on stars?: Yeah

[ LOVE LIFE ]
Ever been in love?: nope
When did you lose your virginity?: will i ever?
Do you believe in love at first sight?: Don't know
Do you believe in "the one?": Kinda.
Describe your ideal significant other: Female, likes me.

[ APPEARANCE ]
Hair: Mousey
Eyes: blue/green/gray
Height: 1.86m

[ LAST THING.. ]
Bought: Plants, online
Ate & Drank: Poached eggs
Read: Card from Rhiannon
Watched on TV: I watched blackadder on tv at mum and dad's house.

[ EITHER OR.. ]
beer or cider: both
drinks or shots: both
cats or dogs: birds
single or taken: very single
pen or pencil: pen
gloves or mittens: in winter, gloves.
food or candy: food
cassette or cd: cd
coke or pepsi: RC Cola

[ WHO DO YOU WANT TO.. ]
kill: noone
look like: someone else
avoid: me

[ LAST PERSON YOU.. ]
saw: Neighbours, putting the rubbish out
talked to on the phone: Simon
hugged: Rhiannon
instant messaged: Simon
kissed: Mum

[ HAVE YOU EVER.. ]
Drank alcohol?: yeah
Done drugs?: yeah
Broken the law?: yeah
Run away from home?: yeah
Broken a bone?: nope
Played Truth Or Dare?: nope
Kissed someone you didn't know?: nope
Been in a fight?: yeah
Come close to dying?: i wish.



[ WHAT IS.. ]
Your bedroom like?: It's like.. well, it has a bed and a desk, some drawers and stuff...
Your favorite thing for breakfast?: Poached eggs, with hollandaise sauce.
Your favorite restaurant?: Scotts
What's on your bedside table?: alarm clock, nail clippers, stereo remote, book, light.
What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?: Cheese
What is your biggest fear?: Being alone forever
Describe your bed: Blue
Spontaneous or plan?: plan
Do you know how to play poker?: Nope
What do you carry with you at all times? Wallet, Keys, Hankerchief.
How do you drive? I don't.
What do you miss most about being little? Innocence, not caring.
Are you happy with your given name? I guess
What color is your bedroom? Many colours
Have you ever been in a play? Nope
Do poor, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you? Nope.
Do you consider yourself to be a nice person? Nope

Done. Yay.

I had strange dreams last night, waking up in the middle of the night checking the clock only to find that the sun is still too far away.
It's strange how in your dreams things get rearranged and scrambled but most of the places and some of the people are familiar.

Before christmas, i helped with a summer school for school kids.
We went on a field trip to the taupo thermal area and stayed the night at Oraki Korako in a camp ground with bunk rooms. At night, after we had finished everything most of the students and the supervisors crammed into three hot tubs out the front.

This appeared in my dream, except it was at my old grandfathers house (and he was there too) which had been moved to another location in tauranga, where another friend used to live.
I remeber waking up for the first time, when it was still dark, feeling enormous regret that i will never see that house or that location ever again.
And thinking back to how much i enjoyed the times i had spent there.
Wondering what changes would have been necessary in live to still have those places to go and visit.

Falling asleep again, only to be snared by some unhappy memorys of school. I can't remember what happened exactly, dreams are like that sometimes.
I woke up after watching myself hang from a tree.
And wondered "why?"

I think i was crying when i woke up, which is a bit strange.
Lay in bed for a bit enjoying the light and waiting for it to wash the dream away.
Feeling regret at the loss that is life.
Thinking foward to a time where everyone i love will be dead and gone.
Feeling eternally small and alone in the vastness that is the universe.

And then i got up and had a shower, eggs for breakfast and played with jakob and gave pi some fresh food. I'm hoping he'll start eating some fresh veges and fruit because it will be good for him.

Then i went to church, arriving in the carpark to find a family having an arguement in the car park.
In church, hearing some horrendous story about a family who has a genetic disorder which causes them to get bowel cancer in their 30's. And wishing that i could do something for the 32 year old mother who is dying, unable to even hold her new born baby. And her brother, also dying.
I wish i understood why.

Meh, writing this is depressing.