The Caregiver

ESFJs are people persons - they love people. They are warmly interested in others. They use their Sensing and Judging characteristics to gather specific, detailed information about others, and turn this information into supportive judgments. They want to like people, and have a special skill at bringing out the best in others. They are extremely good at reading others, and understanding their point of view. The ESFJ's strong desire to be liked and for everything to be pleasant makes them highly supportive of others. People like to be around ESFJs, because the ESFJ has a special gift of invariably making people feel good about themselves.

The ESFJ takes their responsibilities very seriously, and is very dependable. They value security and stability, and have a strong focus on the details of life. They see before others do what needs to be done, and do whatever it takes to make sure that it gets done. They enjoy these types of tasks, and are extremely good at them.

ESFJs are warm and energetic. They need approval from others to feel good about themselves. They are hurt by indifference and don't understand unkindness. They are very giving people, who get a lot of their personal satisfaction from the happiness of others. They want to be appreciated for who they are, and what they give. They're very sensitive to others, and freely give practical care. ESFJs are such caring individuals, that they sometimes have a hard time seeing or accepting a difficult truth about someone they care about.

With Extraverted Feeling dominating their personality, ESFJs are focused on reading other people. They have a strong need to be liked, and to be in control. They are extremely good at reading others, and often change their own manner to be more pleasing to whoever they're with at the moment.

ESFJs who have had the benefit of being raised and surrounded by a strong value system that is ethical and centered around genuine goodness will most likely be the kindest, most generous souls who will gladly give you the shirt off of their back without a second thought. For these individuals, the selfless quality of their personality type is genuine and pure.

All ESFJs have a natural tendency to want to control their environment. Their dominant function demands structure and organization, and seeks closure. ESFJs are most comfortable with structured environments. They're not likely to enjoy having to do things which involve abstract, theoretical concepts, or impersonal analysis. They do enjoy creating order and structure, and are very good at tasks which require these kinds of skills. ESFJs should be careful about controling people in their lives who do not wish to be controlled.

ESFJs at their best are warm, sympathetic, helpful, cooperative, tactful, down-to-earth, practical, thorough, consistent, organized, enthusiastic, and energetic. They enjoy tradition and security, and will seek stable lives that are rich in contact with friends and family.

it's been happening a lot lately.  i find myself saying, i don't belong in this messed up world!  this place is too screwed up for me.  the selfish, the liars, the cheaters, they prosper.  i went to work today and honestly confessed to my boss that i had come in contact with someone who was sick.  i cannot help that it's flu season.  my boss is on bed rest and cannot be around sick people.  so i did the honorable thing and told her my roommate was sick.  then i took my little woman outside, the 4 year old i work with, and we were having fun, when i got the call that i had to go home.  i understood the reasons, but was so frustrated that doing the right thing got me no pay for a couple of days.  should i not be rewarded when i do the right thing?  but good guys finish last.  i find this to be the truth in this ugly world of ours. 

there's much more to this story, many more reasons my heart might have for giving up, a failed marriage, a whole lot of judgment and consequences that go with that, trying to make new friends and all the fear that goes with that.... why should i always worry that doing something nice for someone, taking a picture with someone, having dinner or even just taking a walk, would bring me judgment and heartache?  is it impossible to imagine someone would be loving because she is? must there always be some hidden motive?  i always have to be so careful, always worry what the paranoid might think. why can't i be free to love and not always have to be also politically correct?  but i don't belong in this world...

it would be so easy to shut down, close my heart and stop giving... it would be so easy to just give up... but then life would really be not worth living.  i refuse to become bitter, ugly, hateful, selfish, even if i will never feel at home in this world.  may god have mercy on me and give me the grace to be a true representation of christ.  if i remember right, we crucified him, and he was a pretty amazing guy.  he didn't belong in this world either... here's looking forward to spending eternity with him.  i'm so ready...

a leaf treader

by Robert Frost

When I was only 15 I had the crazy idea that I wanted to leave Romania to come to the U.S. and go to school to be a missionary.  To a Romanian just out from under communism, this was totally insane.  What I wanted was impossible.  A visa to the U.S. was not granted easily, with most applicants being turned away.  To qualify you had to have money, connections, good reason for travel, etc.  I had none!  The plane ticket alone cost as much as one of my parents made in a year.  Then there was the small issue of a host family, tuition costs, language differences etc.

Oh, and I had to travel all the way to the other side of the world alone – at 15.  And my mom was to agree to this?  Not likely…

Yet I had the audacity to ask, can I go god?  Send me, I'm available, I remember praying.  I hoped in spite all.  I believed my god liked me that much!  No question of his power.

Turns out I was right.  I think god was tickled that I had the nerve to ask.  I think he did it just for fun!  I think my unthinkable request made him happy!  So fifteen years later, I still have the audacity to hope.  I have not forgotten all that my god has done for me.

So I'm asking that this coming year be my best one yet.  I'm asking for purity and holiness in my heart, brokenness and humility in my step, and a love that is true to god and man.

I ask that beauty, poetry and song should fill my days, and would pour forth in my speech and dance.  I ask that I'd be loved where I've been hated, accepted where I've been rejected, healed where I've been wounded, seen where I've been invisible.  I ask for courage to hurt honestly, cry openly, fight justly and love truly.

I ask for lots of hugs and kisses, butterfly and Eskimo kisses included, little arms around my neck, sleepy heads on my shoulder and games of pikaboo.

I ask for lots and lots of laughter, moments of life's small joys when souls connect, eyes sparkle, and joy flows from love.  I ask for silly, goofy fun, cheeky jokes shared with friends, pranks, movie nights and many adventures.

I ask for nights spent in prayer loving you, nights spent in dance worshiping you, and for dance that is not always alone.  I ask for affection that penetrates any wall, melts any iceberg, and gentleness that makes me melt.

I ask for an increase in my giftings and promise that when you call I will not delay.

I ask for sunsets and sunrises, mountains, flowers, stars reflected on the lake, and the secret whispers of the moonlit night.

I ask that my soul will grow more and more alive, my song more and more beautiful, and that my dance would take your breath away.

And there's still more I could ask…

Bereft

by Robert Frost

Where had I heard this wind before

Change like this to a deeper roar?

What would it take my standing there for,

Holding open a restive door,

Looking downhill to a frothy shore?

Summer was past and day was past.

Somber clouds in the west were massed.

Out in the porch's sagging floor

Leaves got up in a coil and hissed,

Blindly struck at my knee and missed.

Something sinister in the tone

Told me my secret must be known:

Word I was in the house alone

Somehow must have gotten abroad,

Word I was in my life alone,

Word I had no one left but God.

i just wanted to introduce you all to my beautiful friend emily whose song is now playing on my site.  she is an old friend of mine who is incredibly talented, and whom god is going to take all kinds of places through her music.  have a listen and check our her page!

wow, i just got off the phone with my wonderful mom and dad over on the other side of the atlantic.  i always have to call them at night, so i can get them in the day time there.  my mom told me i was born in the morning and she was telling me funny stories of me as a child.  she said, i don't know how you could be so obedient and yet so bad at the same time.  apparently she would put me in my bed and go do her house work, and i would do whatever gymnastics it took to climb out of my crib and run around.  she eventually took to tying my foot to the bed.  or, i got used to my grandma sitting with me while i fell asleep and once my grandma moved to stay with a different relative, i would scream and scream for my granny and there was no getting me to sleep anymore.   sounds like i was a great child! 

my dad told me a cool story that happened when i was being dedicated to the lord.  in romania we always take the small children and instead of baptizing them we dedicate them to god, kind of like what mary and joseph did with jesus at the temple.  anyway, while they were praying over me, a man in the church had a vision of a ray of light from heaven descending on me.  they all thought it was the holy spirit and it was a sign of special things to come for me.  i always love to hear that story and i think it's safe to say, god has shown me favor in lots and lots of ways.  i am in the ministry after all, and have been in some way or another since i was 13.  it must also be why i had the super power to get out of my crib when i was little, much to my mom's chagrin.  anyway, it's nice to have my parents make me feel special on my special day. 

my sweet best friend is throwing me a party and when i thanked her for wanting to do that, she said you have to be nice to the elderly.  which reminds me when i was 20 and she 19 (her birthday is in march), i would say to her, out of my way teenager!  she quickly replied with a bow, age before beauty.  there's a reason why she's still my best girl!

why do we think jesus taught us to pray, "may your will be done on earth as it is in heaven"?  it seems to me, the implication there is that god's will is not in fact happening here on earth, right?  and yet, so many times when hard things happen, painful things, we say, well, god must have had a reason.  things happen for a reason, we so fatalistically believe.

we think we trust god, and that means we have to accept what he sends our way. but that can be so deceitful.  let's not equate being passive with having faith in god.  having faith implies we listen to him and follow. it's an active involvement with god.

while on the one hand i know not all things that happen are god's will, yet so many times in life when things come my way, i just let it happen.  why would i do such a stupid thing like let myself get hurt, unless i thought somehow it's all part of god's bigger plan.  well folks, no more!  no more will i stand by and watch my life happen to me.  god is teaching me to stand up and fight.  when you want something, you have to fight for it.  it seems so common sense. but i'm growing so much in that area, i think i must have really lacked before. 

we hear so much that the life of the christian is a constant battle.  well, i'm going to start participating.  actually i've been participating with a vengeance lately but i'm still surprised sometimes at the level of battle we are talking about.  i thought i was fighting the good fight before working in a missions organization, teaching eager young minds truth.  but i find the real battle is in prayer, and in our hearts.  i was doing a lot of good on the outside, but on the inside i was loosing the battle for my own soul. 

i was laying down and taking defeat, accepting lies, accepting the external pressure, fear of man, to be this or that.  but the only thing i have to do is "to do justly and to walk humbly with your god".  and let me tell you, it's hard to walk humbly.  i've found lately all my fears have been tested to the point that i've had to be willing to lose everything. 

now, approaching my birthday, i may find myself really alone in the world, seeking the approval of no one.  i think my birthday present from god is that i may finally reach a point where people's opinions will no longer matter so much to me.  i don't dare say they won't matter at all.  i'm sure i'm not there yet.  but god is teaching me so much, through intense battling and the pain of being not understood and down right rejected, that ultimately it's only his opinion that counts.  i need to find myself in him and nothing else matters.  but that does not mean there won't be any more pain.  we'd like to think once we reach that place of confidence in christ, we won't be affected by others anymore, or that somehow people will recognize and honor our hearts.  well, it has not happened to me yet.  jesus was totally holy and yet totally rejected by man.  that must have been so painful for him. 

i don't mean to imply that i don't have any friends.  i do have friends!  thank god for that.  but there's been a lot of loss in my life lately, loss of close relationships which meant a lot to me and which affected my very identity. and the scary thing is, just when i think things are looking up, something else happens that sends me off spinning, right into the hands of jesus.  i'm sure glad i know it's not him doing it to me, or else i might have a hard time turning to him for help and comfort. 

ok, i think i'm getting the hang of this myspace thing.  i love that already i've gotten in touch with lost friends.   not so agravated anymore!  i've been playing around on the web trying to customize my page.  it's been fun, but i can't belive the time i'm spending on this.  it's crazy!  well, these days i got some time on my hands,  i just don't know that this is the best way to spend it.  but then again, if it's for friends, it may just be worth it.   actually tonight, i had a babysitting job, but once the kids got to bed, i just got on the internet.  so i was getting paid to customize my page.  that puts a very important spin on it.    i bet none of you folks out there got paid to make your page cool.  at least nobody on my friends list. 

you won't believe what just happened to me.  i wrote this whole thing out, from my heart, and then i was looking for a spell check and clicked something.  when i wanted to return to the page,  it was all gone.  my beautiful entry was just gone.  and i can't write it again.  it just would not be the same.  darn!  well, while i'm all huffing and puffing about it, does anyone know how to do a spell check on these things, so next time i can do it?  i guess my beautiful entry was just for god or something. :) i needed to get it out, but i can't reproduce it.  man, i really hate that!

wow, this is exhausting!  i got talked into creating an account so i can stay in touch with my friends.  figure that!  i already spend waaaaayyyyyy too much time on the internet, but whatever!  i say it's exhausting, worse than dancing for 2 hours, because at least then i feel invigorated.  but no, right now i feel just sleepy and brain dead.  i don't like the feeling at all.  i'm way too a.d.d. for myspace.  i get so confused and distracted, trying to figure our all the features.  when i signed up, it would not accept my email, so i changed it, but it's not a real account.  i figured i could change it later, but it won't let me.   don't try to email me at that adress.  i won't get it.   anyway, i guess i better join the myspace age and be cool about it.  ciao all!  this should be interesting.