When I came home to Greeley yesterday (Friday) afternoon, I was greeted by a clean apartment, a cartoon on my door, a fresh **and actually planted** Lily in my bedroom, and this poem.
My love, my Steven, my heart. Thank you. Enjoy the poem everybody... he’s a keeper, he is!
---
There is one
So special, so dear
Whom I know loves me
Drawing me ever near.
Continually my heart
It sings, it sings

After a long day
With no end in sight;
This dear special one
feels all of my plight.
Dutifully my heart
It sings, it sings

As I am with her
Trouble melts away;
Never to return
As long as I stay.
Joyfully my heart
It sings, it sings

And when we’re apart
Hope always doth come;
Soon I will return
To my special one.
Peacefully my heart
It sings, it sings

I feel your sweet breath
And sense your soft touch.
Time I spend with you
Is never too much.
Truthfully my heart
It sings, it sings

Never will I regret
The time that I’ve spent,
You in my arms
Whilst we dreamt.
Eternally my heart
It sings, it sings

Yes, my only heart
Singing, Singing

I love you!
- Steven James Powner

I was just looking through some old journals, some old entries, and some old blogs. And I read the one I put up at the end of December, wishing for a new start... talking about how I’ve had something missing. How I’ve been feeling... lost. How I was so depressed that I couldn’t see straight after a while; I hated being at home for that time of year, I wanted to just shut myself up in my room, get online, and be obsessed with my internet relationships. I spent a lot of time crying, at Rose’s apartment, just breathing.

Well, I have gotten the change I have asked for.

I don’t really want to go into details right now, because I don’t feel like ranting for hours and hours through words on Myspace lol. But I am really happy; I feel more complete within myself. And I approve of that, even if nobody else does in my family. I feel like it’s okay for me to breathe, okay for me to believe what I want to believe, and not have to worry so much about my family freaking out on me.

Even if they do... which, actually, I KNOW they will when I walk into my house tomorrow for the first time in this new self that I am, I am prepared. I can really appreciate what I have now, better than I ever have before.

I am..... well. I feel loved. And I’m in love.
Life es bueno.
Amber

Ahh. I love Peaches and Cream oatmeal. I have had this box in my cupboard for like, MONTHS now, and it never goes bad, and still tastes sweet and warm on this cool January day.

I am in a good mood =D

I woke up this morning on time to take a shower, dry my hair, and put on makeup, and I wasn't late to class. I was actually a little bit early. We got let out a half hour before it's supposed to end =D so I came back to the apartment for breakfast so Taco Bell wouldn't be all I ate today.
Marissa cut my hair again a couple days ago and gave me a little bit more shape; it doesn't really look all that different but I can feel that it isn't as heavy, and that's what I care about. I might even curl it before I go to work in twenty minutes =D that would make me happy.

I feel good because this morning in my Audiology class **I call all my ASLS classes that, but this really is a class called "Audiology"** we were learning about stuff I've gone through my entire life... cerumen impaction **blocking of the ear canal by earwax... I have actually had that but honestly I don't remember it ever really bothering me until they took the wax out**, ear infections, and most importantly: perforations of the eardrum. Seeing as I still have a perf in my left ear and a healed one in my right, I'm a pretty good test speciment for the class to look at =D

Someone asked the prof. if a perforation could really be felt, and she stumbled into a few examples of how one MIGHT feel a perforation... and I just couldn't sit still anymore **I had been relaxed all of class... I mean, come on, I've grown up with this stuff imprinted on my every move lol so this unit is a piece of cake.** I raised my hand and told the class about how I still have a perf in my ear and what it feels like... and I think the best part about it is absoultely knowing that out of ANYONE in the class, even the doctor, I was the ONLY one who could raise my hand and say, "I know exactly what this feels like, exactly how it affects my everyday life, and how it affects my hearing, because I live with it every morning when I wake up." Nowadays when I wake up and get into the shower, it's no big deal... but I didn't take a shower on my own until 7th grade. My mom washed my hair in the bathtub as I grew up, and dealt with my squirming and crying all through it. It feels like nothing now, and not a big deal to me that I only wash my hair with one hand **much easier with short hair, let me tell you** but that's just it: I don't look for pity or sympathy when I tell people these things. Someone asked if I swam and I laughed, "If you've ever felt water going into your middle ear, you wouldn't want to swim either."

In all honesty, getting water in my ear is extraordinarily painful. The only thing worse than water is an antibacterial corrosive drop; I've had many of those. I've been told that I had a cholesteatoma, otherwise known as a polyp-infested infection growing into the middle ear that literally eats the surrounding material...and somehow... I kicked it. I love being able to look back on the things I've gone through and even though I've never gone to Europe, never been to Disneyland, scarcely been to another state and never been on an airplane... I CAN say that I've experienced a lot more in my life than many people have. I know what it's like to appreciate what you are given with every last inch of you, because I've had to fight to keep every little thing. Every nerve, every lost vessel, every decibel of hearing... I've fought for it. And I think, overall, I've come out of the fight triumphant.


I decided today that my long-term goal of my life is NOT to be an Audiologist... that's just the first step. I really want to do what I told myself I'd do as a kid when I was in the doctor's office... I don't want to be the nice lady giving the hearing test... I want to be the trusted doctor fixing my problem instead of diagnosing it.
After I make a steady enough base with my early career, I don't think I could find anything more gratifying to my spirit than saving up to really go to medical school and become an otorhinolaryngologist **I know this is really long and seems pretentious but give me credit that i could spell the damn thing lol** otherwise known as an ear, nose, and throat doctor, or an ENT.
Ahh.. I'm SUCH a nerd lol

Love, Amber

Because she puts up things like this when I really need it =D
Love you too, Rose =D
-----


Kindness

Kindness is keeping my secrets for me. It's the trust and respect for the things I had to tell someone, but not the world. Kindness is forgiving me when I have broken boundaries, created doubt, and betrayed trust. It's holding my hand through the hard times and protecting me from those who would doubt or interfere with my personal goals.

It's getting boxes at the store with me, when my spirit didn't want to. It's literally holding me up-right while I'm kicking and screaming through the hardest times of my life. Kindness means telling me that I deserve nice things, that I've earned them.

Kindness is helping me through a panic attack. Kindness is surprising me by cleaning and re-organizing my kitchen. It's sitting on the couch with me watching movies and playing with the lab-top. It's going shopping with me and helping me get situated with school.

And finally, it's supporting me in my relationship. Kindness is telling me that it will work, and that there is valid reason for it to succeed.

My sister is my strength, my support, my one true friend.

days where you feel like you're walking around in an empty body? There's nothing to you, you're completely void of emotion and are indifferent to everything.

It has been one of those days where I woke up feeling sick, nervous... to what I thought would be good. And I felt crushed instead. I'm tired of feeling that way. I am tired of being disappointed; I went through a year of it. I don't need it like this, and honestly, neither do my friends. It affects them, too. And I'm aware of that. I'm aware that when I'm in a shitty mood, I'm not fun to be around.
I think I'd hate being around me when I'm upset.

It was one of those days where every song that came on the radio, and I mean EVERY song, was straight off an overemotional mixtape of mine. All American Rejects, Kelly Clarkson, Rhianna... and to top it all off, the very teary "Don't Cry," by Seal. I couldn't help it. It was like my hair could tell I was upset.... I decided not to take a shower this morning because I took one last night. And it wasn't a good idea... my hair was flat and ugly all day. It was reflecting my mood. I couldn't beleive I went out today.

I am going to put on my new outfit soon, and hope that it looks as cute as I hope it does. Who knows... maybe it will brighten my mood a little.

But it isn't really what I want. I miss YOU.

Have you ever wanted something so bad, you'd do anything to have it?  To make sure that at the end of the day, you'd make sure you gave it your all and did everything you could?  I feel lately like the thing that I want just isn't meant for me.  Which, honestly, breaks my heart.  It's like all these signs around me have been
proving themselves to me more and more.  It's sickening!!

Last night I watched 'Sleepless in Seattle' for the first time in at LEAST 6 years.  Which is an honestly depressing thought, I mean, I was only 14... and that doesn't feel like it was yesterday anymore.  It feels like a long time ago.
But I was somewhat joyous while watching it... you see, if you name me ANY Cheezy Chick Flick that I've seen, I can tell you how it relates back to my life.  A little dramatic? Maybe.  But my life "is a cheezy chick flick," as they say, so I might as well make concurrences to prove it.  But the reason I was joyous was that I can't make the connection with Sleepless in Seattle... or at least, I thought; it got close to the end, and she said the line, "All I could say was 'hello.'" And her friend, played by Rosie O'Donnel, showed her that the line was said in "An Affair to Remember."  And she proceeded to go along with meeting Sam at the top of the Empire State Building, just like in the movie she quoted.

You see... I may not be able to make a storyline connection to my life... but I AM the lead character.  MY LIFE IS A CHEESY CHICK FLICK: it doesn't make any sense, but I take leaps that I, maybe, shouldn't take.  I do stupid things that put my current relationships in jeopardy, all for a chance at something that I think might be a little bit better, a little bit more healthy, a little bit more romantic.  And I don't even like romance!  Romantic, sappy movies make me want to cry and puke from bitterness.  Watching "9 Months" the other night... pure agony!!  It's almost as if my mind and heart conflict with each other.

I don't know what I want anymore!  I know that I want this next year to be better than 2007 was.  I was NOT pleased with the way this year went.  I promised myself at the turn of the year, while sitting with Mike, that I would do everything I could to make my music soar this year, and that I'd work hard and get my dues paid.

Well... I did pay them.  By working 40+ hour shifts at Taco Bell, studying my ass off for classes that held no permanent interest for me, paying for an extra feature on my phone that I don't even use for the reason I bought it **and yes, I bought it for a more specific reason than for the little bit extra I'd get charged if I used a couple each month.**  The relationship I put my heart and soul into didn't work out, and when it ended, I was so lost; I went through 2 depression relapses this year, one of them was fairly recent.  I moved into my first ACTUAL "new home," and I learned to balance my time, my school, my job, my friends, and my romantic escapades ... and doing a good job at all of them!  I honestly think I did more good deeds this year, unintentionally or unconsciously, than I have ever done. 

My life wasn't all bad this year, it was full of a lot of good; I got closer to Merida, who has been a good friend of mine for a couple of years now, and I wouldn't change our friendship for the world.  I met Sami, and she became my new best friend.  Marissa and I really bonded like the sisters we are.  I became a little bit stronger... but a little bit more skeptical about romance, "love," and the whole crazy thing.  I ran back into JohnO, which felt so comfortable and familiar... and yet, new and exciting.  Though my interest in him was anything but new, anyone I lived with this past year could tell you that haha from Elyse to my Mom to Lisa and Mer.... but I feel like I'm still questing for something.  Maybe I'm just missing that opposite-sex thrill of seeing JohnO right now... but I feel incomplete. BORED.  And boring because of it.  I have been writing music like mad, designing a tattoo, planning portraits, projects, classes.... whether or not I want to be in UNC's exchange program and go to school somewhere else next year... which I might very well do, especially if Marissa doesn't come back.

I felt prettier this year.  I felt ... a little bit sexier.  I don't think working at Taco Bell helped me lol but eating that kind of food every day, and my body's ability to keep that OFF of me.. I'm proud of that!  I think I grew into my looks a little more this year, and a little bit more accepting that I will never look like Cindy Crawford so I should stop expecting my face to contort that way, haha.  I miss being so into Musical Theatre that it was really an option to my future.  I gave it up this year... I also gave up any kind of "reality" that my music would go anywhere.  I didn't give up hope, but I feel like I gave up the dream of it because it feels so out of reach.

My music has always been extremely important to me... but it isn't moving anywhere.  I don't have anyone else to help me right now, and no one can help me because I'm too damned stubborn to let anyone else sing my material and I can't get to Paul and Ava or Brad.  It just feels .... like it's such an undertoe right now.  Like it's just another aspect of me, but not a major facet.  I miss when I would go over to the middle school lunch hour my Senior year just because I wanted to and I didn't have anything 4th hour... and people would recognize me.  And comment, "you're the musical lady!" I miss my glory days of music.  And now... especially since my botched UNC audition... I've been embarassed to really play in front of people.  I want to, oh I want to!  But now I have paranoia that overtakes my want to play for people... a fear of not being any good, or fear of looking like a showoff.

I don't feel all that comfortable in my own skin then... do I?  I like to think I do.  I used to be Amber Hansen, "Evil, Scary Pin Chick," head Debator and MVP of Speech... I used to be a power-player.  I had a set technique, style, flair to the things I did... I do now, too, but it feels more like a joke than anything people take seriously.

The point of all this... is that I want a big change right now.  I don't want to feel lousy at all this year.  I don't want to look myself in the mirror and think, "where are you going?" anymore.  I want my big wish to come true.  I want it... SO bad.  I feel like I need it deep down in my bones.  I want this.... please, Universe... let me have this.

Love to all, Merry Christmas,
Amber

This time of year makes me think of many things; "Rent," fighting with Mom, Speech, Ryan, snow, lonliness, a little disappointment of the last year's turnout... New Year's Resolutions, Lord of the Rings, John and Cocoa... hatred of over-circulated religion, Michelle, sex, lack of romance and ultimate boredom, music, Deb and Nancy, Jeff and Joanne, Melted chocolate in front of the fire, Lucky, and a hope of many years past.

Well, with the top of the list, "Rent," on my mind, I dedicate this to you, my friend... since you felt compelled to dedicate it to me, once.
I love you.
Amber
---
"I'll Cover You"
ANGEL:
Live In My House
I'll Be Your Shelter
Just Pay Me Back
With One Thousand Kisses
Be My Lover - I'll Cover You

COLLINS
Open Your Door
I'll Be Your Tenant
Don't Got Much Baggage
To Lay At Your Feet
But Sweet Kisses I've Got To Spare
I'll Be There - I'll Cover You

BOTH
I Think They Meant It
When They Said You Can't Buy Love
Now I Know You Can Rent It
A New Lease You Are, My Love,
On Life - Be My Light

Just Slip Me On
I'll Be Your Blanket
Wherever - Whatever - I'll Be Your Coat

ANGEL
You'll Be My King
And I'll Be Your Castle

COLLINS
No You'll Be My Queen
And I'll Be Your Moat

BOTH
I Think They Meant It
When They Said You Can't Buy Love
[I'll Cover You lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

Now I Know You Can Rent It
A New Lease You Are, My Love
On Life

All My Life
I've Longed To Discover
Something As True As This Is

COLLINS
So With A Thousand
Sweet Kisses
And I'll Cover You
With A Thousand
Sweet Kisses
I'll Cover You

When You're Worn
Out And Tired

When Your Heart
Has Expired

ANGEL
If You're Cold
You're Lonely

You've got one
nickle only


With A Thousand
Sweet Kisses
I'll Cover You

With A Thousand
Sweet Kisses
I'll Cover You

BOTH
Oh Lover I'll Cover You
Ya-----
Oh Lover I'll Cover You

please excuse me...
As my paranoia shoots through the roof,
This illness gets worse and worse *I've been sick for days... won't be able to work today, I think I'd rather die than feel like this and only work an hour and a half when this time card is total waste of time anyways*
As the frustration I have turns into tears,
And I can't do anything about it.

I know this seems a little overemotional... and I am sorry, I really am.
Just, excuse me.... I might disappear for a couple of days.
Love to all,
Amber

Ways to steal my heart.
((* indicates finished tasks))

*- If I reach up and play with your hair....reach up your hand and play with mine.

*- If I look into your eyes and ask you why you're with me, smile, and kiss me. I'll know.

- Kiss the tip of my nose for no reason.

- Tell me I'm funny looking in that perfect kind of way.

*- If I'm cold, open your coat and just engulf me in it.

*- Squeeze me like you never want me to go.

*- If I'm saying goodbye to a bunch of people, make sure you are the first person I say goodbye to...and then turn me around when I'm done and make sure you're the last, too.

- Tell me you'll never be the same.

*- Look in my eyes and say: "Would you light my candle?"

*- Sing to me.

*- Look at me like I'm singing directly to your heart.

*- Let me know that I'm the only girl you've ever wanted, ever felt this way for, ever kissed, or ever loved.

*- Make me melt.

- When I bat my eyes at you all cutely, grab my waist and pull me in.

*- Dance with me for no reason, no music, and no one around.

*- Hold my hand with your pinky, and caress my knuckles with your fingers.

*- Say nothing. The look in your eyes says enough.

*- When I'm not around, tell me that every time you see my picture, it's all you think about.

*- Take me places I've never been ... just cuz.

***- Change my life.

- If a girl walks by in tight, cute clothes, tell me I am more beautiful than she even if I'm wearing winter coats and snowpants.

*- Reassure me that my love is not a waste.

*- Smile for me. Smile all the time. And if I'm still not smiling when you are...stick out your tongue.

**- If I'm crying and look like a mess, hold up my jaw and say: "I have to see you again."

*- Let me grab you if I'm falling.

*- Sing loud, obnoxious songs with me.

****- Let me play with your hands.

*- Reassure me that I'm not crazy.

*- If I worry I am getting too attached...tell me you'll never think of me as a stalker.

- If you have a secret you want to tell me...tell me.

*- Let me take care of you.

***- Kiss me some more.

*- Keep faith in my words even when you have no reason to.

*- Tell me you miss me. Then tell me again. Then say "I know it's been the millionth time... but I missed you."

*- When I haven't seen you in 5 months, look at me and say 'I'm sorry, I have to kiss you."

*- Sigh just a little bit when you hug me.

*- When you tell me you love me... don't just say it with your words. Say it with your eyes, your lips, your actions.

*- Look at me like you don't want to see anything else for the rest of your life.

*- Laugh at my stupid jokes.

*- Let years go by and never change the way you feel.

*- Talk to me about things that happened in the past between us. Then say, "I wish we could have that weekend again."

*- Rush ahead to open the door for me, even if it's automatic.

*- If I put a caption on a picture that says "I know it may be hard to love me, but would it kill you to try?" Comment with: "I don't need to try"

*- Call me your one and only. That will do it every time.

*- Call me perfect. And mean it when you say it.

*- Tell me that I'm beautiful when you're sitting on my bad profile side.

*- Apologize to me for everything. Then insist that I shouldn't apologize for anything.

*- Stay the way you are after years go by.

*- When I'm massaging your hands, keep playing with mine.

*- Initiate everything.

*- Hold memories with me just as strongly as I do.

*- Lay your head on my shoulder and kiss my hand.

*- Make me hot cocoa. Even if it doesn't have it's "zing."

*- Invite me to sit next to you. Over and over again.

*- If we're filming and I tell you that I look like crap on video, repeat over and over, "That's not true...that's not true at all. Not true at all. No."

*-When I still have something you gave me two years ago, be surprised and ecstatic that I keep it with me wherever I go.

*- When someone in the room mentions their soul mate, sit next to me and kiss me. I'll know you're saying that I'm yours.

*- Let me do stupid girly things when we're together.

*- If I make something for you, jump up and say "ooo.... my god...."

*- Promise me you won't think that I'm clingy if I call you every other day.

*- Tell me that you love me every time you talk to me.

- When you want me to know you're thinking of me.... tell me that you are.

*- Don't respond when I tell you that no one compares to you. Kiss me instead.

**- Send butterflies up my spine when you do so. I don't care how you do it.

*- When you French kiss me, do it just as softly and sweetly as if it were just a peck.

*- Sleep in one of my big t-shirts so I have something that smells like you.

*- If I look at you and sobblingly tell you that you're safe with me, because I'm not going to end it... say "Okay. I won't end it either." and kiss me.

*- Look me in the eye when I'm telling you how I feel.

*- If I ask you how your day went, say, "Phenomenal. I've gotten to spend the entire day with you."

*- Laugh with me.

*- Hold my face/neck when you're kissing me.

*- Take me into your room, show me your most prized possession, and say "If I lost these, I'd have nothing; well, I'd still have you, of course, but still...."

*- When we're saying goodbye, tell me you want one more kiss.... and give me 5 more instead.

*- Be beautiful in your own gorgeous, loving, sweet, tender-hearted way.

- Repeat any of the above.

*- If I get out a camera, automatically know that at least one kissing picture must be taken.

***- Don't just get me flowers. Pick me flowers from a tree while we stand underneath it.

*- Don't expect me to know or care about anything concerning machinery.

*- Understand that if I'm not an expert on your favorite subject, it doesn't mean I don't care, or I'm bored hearing you talk about it.

*- When it's windy and you're doing something outside... give me your coat, hat, and rings to hold onto.

*- Look at no one else the way you look at me.

- Don't broadcast the way you feel until you are sure you want everyone to know.

*- Give me something that means something to you. That way, I know you're giving me a piece of you.

*- Think of your relationship with me as special and undefineable.

*- Honestly know that what we have is different and can't be repeated or replaced.

*- If you're sick and I tell you it's okay if you can't see me today... tell me that "nothing short of me being in the hospital could keep me from being with you."

*- Forgive me my mistakes.

*- Be a gentleman.

*- Don't just ask me out. Tell me you want to ask me a question first. I will know what you're going to say.... just give me time to formulate the right way to respond.

*- When I'm walking away from you after saying goodbye... whisper that you love me just loud enough for me to turn and see the look on your face.

**- Don't just say goodbye. Tell me you don't want to leave.

I am in love with a gorgeous, tall, funny, awkward..... goofball.
But in love with him I am. =D

Okay.

So today... was not going to be a very eventful day in my eyes.  I had made plans with Megan to do some stuff with her this afternoon, but nothing after that.  But I was woken up pretty late today by my mom's deal bank calling and saying her check was in...which made me call her and tell her that it was in....and she told me that her boss was going to sell me his Mac for a grand....and then I called Megan and told her that, and we made our plans for the day.

We met for Subway like we usually do when we haven't talked in a while, and hung out for a good hour... and I suggested that we go down to town and see a movie, and while we were down, maybe we could run into Alan because I haven't seen him in nearly a year.  So we made those plans, and headed down.  Megan and I first went to see "Rattatouie," which is a wonderful little movie if I may say so myself =D, and I was really enchanted by it lol.  During the movie, my mom called to tell me to call Mike, I called Mike, then Marissa called, then Alan called...so many calls and I never get them lol!!

So we got out of the movie and I checked all my messages and had it on speakerphone...so when Alan's message finally came around we'd listened to a few in my mailbox...and I was like, wow, I forgot what he sounded like on the phone it's been so long lol, so I called and I was glad he got off work early so we could hang out... I was not AS lost as last time going to his place =D but we made it, and everything was fine; he met Megan and I met his friend Chris, and we talked for a good hour in Alan's driveway and then headed over to our usual destination...Clement Park.

The lights and clement park are haunted...I swear lol.  But it was just fun to see Alan again!  Honestly I feel great right now because it feels like a good year of cleaning has gone by and it's okay to rekindle old friendships and start having the social life I've wanted again.  Alan always makes me feel good anyways, it's always nice to meet one of his crazy friends, and this time he got to meet one of mine too instead of the same..D.

Yet another late night at Clement Park... one of a large series at this point... and hopefully another of many more =D
Amber ::smiles big::