All the good stuff is in the "older" section.  Look to your left, and hit the "older" button under "blog archive".  If you don't see the blog archive, go back to my profile and hit "View all blog entries".  That oughtta do it.

The newer stuff is all articles--which is a good thing if you like articles--but really, trip reports are much more entertaining, wouldn't you agree?

My personal faves are the last two entries in the older section... WSOP 04 and 05 reports.

VEGAS 2007 – Day One..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

Toward the end of Hunter S. Thompson's "Fear and Loathing in ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Las Vegas", he writes: "After five days in Vegas you feel like you've been here for five years".  Ain't that the truth.

I decided to drive to the airport and leave my car at Pearson.  Of course, I picked up a grande one raw sugar latte on the way…  (the reason you order the one raw sugar IN the latte (instead of adding it yourself) is because if you add it yourself after the drink is made, it creates a hole in the foam, and who wants a hole in their foam?  I strongly suggest that the next time you order yourself a grande latte, you make it a grande one raw sugar latte instead).  I got out of the car and placed the coffee on the roof while I grabbed my suitcase from the trunk.  As I was doing this, I heard the sickening sound of a 10% post-consumer recycled fiber Starbucks cup sliding off the roof of a 2004 Infiniti G35X.  All I could do was jump out of the way, as most of my grande one raw sugar latte spewed itself all over my car.

Bad beat number one: a coffee-covered car will be waiting for me when I return from Vegas.  Ouch.

I hooked up with my brother Jared inside the terminal, and we encountered a downtrodden Englishman.  Of course.  He explained to us that he was stranded at Pearson (how very "The Terminal") because he didn't have enough money to pay for a flight home.  Brightening slightly, he opened his wallet and said: "I do have all this purple money though!" showing us a few Canadian $10 bills, which wouldn't pay for a cab ride to Union Station much less a flight to London.

While waiting for our flight, Jared and I reviewed some of the casino info we'd printed out.  While reading about our host casino (The Orleans) we learned that you can smoke in the poker room between 3am and 9am only.  What a random rule… maybe they're trying to corner the market on low-limit poker-playing insomniac smokers.  Maybe it's working, who knows…  On the plane, I noticed that a guy in the next row was reading "Championship NL and PL HE".  He read it for the entire duration of the flight, and his lips never stopped moving.  The woman next to me asked if my brother and I were on our way to Vegas to go to the luggage show.  I told her that no, we weren't going to the luggage show, and then I politely asked if she was going all the way to Las Vegas to buy luggage.  She was.

The cab driver who took us from the airport in Vegas to the Orleans was the most casually racist person I've ever had the displeasure of meeting.  I won't repeat most of what he said, because it is offensive, but I do remember this priceless bit of conversation:

Him: You have a lot of Asians in Toronto, don't you.

Me: (with pride) Yes, Toronto is a very multicultural city.

Him: That sucks.

ANYWAY, we threw our stuff in our hotel room and headed to Caesar's to play in their $220 NLHE MTT.  We had some dinner there first, and played some blackjack.  We sat down at an empty table and were surprised to discover that the dealer was only using one deck.  We were also surprised to discover that blackjack paid only 6:5 instead of 3:2, and we were also surprised to discover that we couldn't double down on a split.  What kind of crazy city was this, with these terrible blackjack rules?  We were about to hop on a flight back to Toronto when the dealer said: "You guys are counting, right?"  Worried about having our kneecaps broken in a back room, we told him that we were definitely NOT counting cards.  He laughed and told us that we were supposed to be counting cards… that when a casino spreads single-deck blackjack they EXPECT the players to be counting cards, and that's why the rules are slightly different: to try and skew the edge back to the house.

We beat the game (+$200 for me) and quietly resolved never to play this terrifying variant of blackjack again.

Jared and I both made the final table at the Orleans (42 entrants, so no great feat) but neither of us made the money.  He went out 9^th, I went out 8^th, and they paid top 5 IIRC.  I don't have any notes on this tournament, although I do remember that my brother meant to raise my big blind after it was folded to him in LP.  He didn't do it correctly though… maybe it was a string raise or something, and maybe I was the one who pointed that out… so he had to just call instead, letting me see the flop for free, whereupon I hit two pair and checkraised him off his hand.  HA!

I also remember a couple of particularly bad losers in this tournament.  Hands that play themselves (ie: AA vs. QQ all-in preflop on relatively short stacks, QQ spikes a Q and rakes the pot) created much bitterness and open hostility.  I really couldn't believe it.

After the tournament, Jared went to the washroom and dropped his hat on the floor.  A guy in the washroom with him saw this happen, walked up to him, and pointed and went HAHAHAHAHAHA within a few inches of his face.  My brother came out of the washroom in shock, explaining that Vegas was just too weird and that we had to go home. 

Instead of going home, we walked to the Wynn.  I've said it before and I'll say it again: walking anywhere in Vegas takes a looooooooooong time.  The walk took forever.  Don't walk in Las Vegas.

I sat in a $30/$60 LHE game with Marcel Luske and took $630.  I recognized one other guy at the table from some televised tournament somewhere, and generally felt outclassed, so I left fairly quickly.  The dealer and I shared a moment when a player at the other end of the table (clearly a dick, and clearly on tilt) was telling a random MASSAGE THERAPIST a bad beat story: "So, I was 88% to win…"  The dealer looked at me and told me that was a first for him; he'd never seen a player tell a bad beat story to a masseuse before.  I briefly considered waving her over to tell her about the latte on my car in Toronto, but thought better of it.

(The dealer had it in for this guy anyway… the guy was giving him a hard time.  After taking a couple of bad beats, he told the dealer to deal him out until he was out of the box.  Now, maybe you believe in certain people bringing you bad luck, and maybe you don't, but when the cards are coming out of a shuffle machine in the table, it's pretty clear that your bad luck isn't the dealer's fault….)

Sidenote: I'm not staying at the Orleans anymore.  It used to be my favourite place to stay in Vegas, because it is cheap, and the rooms are spacious, and it's a short cab ride to the strip.  However, my bed smelled like ass.  Literally… it smelled like ass.  My brother picked the right bed I guess!  I was exhausted by the time I climbed into it and noticed the foul odour (which was definitely not coming from me; first of all, I don't really sweat that much or that often, and second, I know the smell of my own ass, and this wasn't it.  It was definitely someone else's), so I decided to suck it up and live with it.  By the next night the situation was remedied, but it left a bad taste in my mouth.  (Literally, haha…)  Also, we ran out of hot water on a regular basis.  Two consecutive showers in one room was apparently too much for the Orleans to handle.  Also, the TV remote control really really sucked, for reasons that I won't get into, but were definitely putting me on tilt on a nightly basis, and probably subtly influencing every decision I was making at the poker tables.

Day Two

1K NLHE event at the Wynn.  240 starters, paid 27.  I finished at around 60^th.  My notes tell me that I played well.  Apparently not well enough.

One bizarre hand: I raised preflop with JJ and got one caller.  The flop came 78T with two hearts.  I bet and was called.  The turn came the Jh, giving me a set but putting an easy straight and a possible flush out there.  I checked, and my opponent checked behind.  The river was an offsuit nine, putting a straight on the board.  I checked, my opponent bet a fairly large amount, and I called, hoping that we were both playing the board.  He announced straight, and I said "me too" flipping over my jacks.  The dealer looked at my cards and said: "That's not a straight".  I said that of course it's a straight, there's a straight on the board!  Then I looked at the board, and saw that the flop was 88T, not 78T.  I made the nut full house on the turn. 

While it is obvious that I could have gotten more out of this hand if I had read the board correctly (my opponent did in fact make a straight on the river… he was holding QT…) I was glad that I misread the board in such a way as to make myself believe that it made a straight, allowing for us to possibly chop the pot, which made me call on the river.  If I had misread the board in another way, I might have laid my "set" down.  OOOOOOOOOOOPS!!!!!!!

Also fairly early in the tournament, I raised with 44 after it was folded to me on the button.  Both blinds called.  The flop came 224.  Checked around.  The turn was a ten.  SB bet, BB folded, I raised, SB called.  River seven or something, SB checked, I bet, SB thought and thought and said "do you have ace ten?"  Finally he called, I showed my hand, and he mucked JJ face-up.  He then lectured me for a while about how I could have taken his entire stack on that hand.  I told him that yes, if I'd known he was that strong in the hand, I could have taken his entire stack, but I had no way of knowing that he was holding JJ.

Todd Witteles (DanDruff) was moved to my table.  We were at a final table together in 2005… WSOP event #4.  I asked him if he recognized me and he said that he did, and named the tournament.  I played two significant pots with him, and bluffed—or at least thought I was bluffing—in both of them.  In one, I had QJ and pretended that it was QT instead because QT would have combined with the board in a much nicer way, and got him to lay his hand down.  In the other, I raised preflop with A5 in MP and he called in the BB.  Flop came 567, check check.  Turn was a jack, he bet, I moved all-in, and he finally laid down whatever it was that he had.  I may have had the best hand here, but I wasn't looking for a call. 

In both cases, he made a big show out of laying down his hand… a bit of a drama queen, that Todd W., but if you saw him at that WSOP final table, you already knew that.

My bust-out hand: Folded to me on the button, I find K9s and raise.  The tight player in the BB calls (BIG stack).  Flop A9x, he bets out, I move in, and he calls with A9.  IGHN.  My thinking in this hand (if you could call it that): "he couldn't possibly have an ace… an ace would checkraise here given our stack sizes, not bet out.  My hand is good."  I guess that's what he thought I would think, and I guess I got spanked!  Good for him. 

Random celebrity sightings: Freddy Deeb at the Wynn, Antonio Esfandiari at the Bellagio.

I played the second chance tournament at the Wynn, and busted in the first level with QQ vs. AA after seeing a 7 high flop.  The stacks aren't deep enough in the 2^nd chance tourneys to be able to get away from this hand IMUO.  (In my unbiased opinion.)

Off I went to the Bellagio to play 30/60 LHE.  Where is my brother in all of this?  I have no idea.  I'm working from random notes scrawled on napkins here, and my brother is nowhere to be found today.  I think he was playing the daily tournament at the Orleans… anyway, the 30/60 LHE game at the Bellagio was filled with LOCALS.  They are all professionals, and they play against each other, and pass the money around.  Which begs the question: how do any of them actually make a living?  Well, every once in a while (but not as often as you might think, or as they might hope….) a tourist sits in the game.  On this night, that tourist was me, but unfortunately, I took $1200 out of their game.  Oops.

The young guy next to me was nice… probably the best LHE player I've played with.  I'm not basing that on this single session… I played against him quite a bit over the course of the week, and his reputation was pretty solid.  He was an online pro for a while, and then the new legislation in the US arrived, so he moved to Vegas. 

Random overheard quote of the day (from another table): "You've been playing with me all day, you know damn well I'm not good enough to fold this hand!".

By the time I left the Bellagio, I was quite drunk.  I thought I was going to go back to the Orleans, but I decided to have the cab driver take me to the Palms instead so I could check out the action.  The action sucked.  Poker is dying a slow and painful death at the Palms, and it ain't pretty. 

So, back to the Orleans for real this time.  I thought I was going to go to bed, but… they… have… blackjack…

Most of the tables at the Orleans are that crazy single-deck, shitty rules, but-we-expect-you-to-be-counting-cards type of blackjack that I'd already banned myself from.  The ubiquitousness (that's right, I said it) of these games leads me to believe that Las Vegas assumes the common man's ability to count cards in a single deck of blackjack is dogshit.  I would tend to agree with this assumption, especially as it pertains to me, and especially on that particular night.  I managed to find a seat open at a regular multi-deck table, and bought in for $400. 

There was an Asian guy at the table who spoke no English whatsoever, and who had absolutely no idea how to play blackjack.  I mean, he would hit on 17.  But nobody could explain the rules to him, and he wasn't going anywhere, so that was the situation.  He was playing a single spot at $5/hand, and I was playing 2 spots to his immediate left at $50 a pop, but this guy's crazy decisions were actually making me a lot of money… plus, the dealer said that she put me on being 24, which is great when you're 32, so I was having a good time. 

I had to leave though, because I heard the sound of live music coming from somewhere on the casino floor, and I'm a sucker for live music, especially when it exists in an environment like the Orleans at 2:00 on a weeknight.  What I found was even better than I could ever have expected: a dynamic, young, giving-it-their-all cover band playing a rockin' version of Robert Palmer's "Addicted to Love" to an audience of eight comatose geriatric people sitting sparse and stone still in the darkness.  I laughed until tears were running down my cheeks and made a beeline for my room before my hysterics attracted any unwanted attention.  Just another normal night at the Orleans I guess, but to me, well, it felt like I was in another era, on another planet.

My g/f and I just spent the night in Niagara Falls, and what else are you going to do in Niagara Falls in February besides lounge around and gamble. 

So, we headed off to Fallsview for some gambling.  She only plays slots (sigh), so my objective is generally to try to get her to play the smallest-denomination machines possible.  This is because (obviously) the longer she can make her money last, the longer I get to play poker.  I'd pretend that it's because I care about her slot machine bankroll (there isn't one) but that would be transparent to her, and to you dear reader.

ANYWAY while she was off gamboooooooooooling at the slots, I played some poker.  Given the choice, I always want to play Limit Hold'em in a casino.  Ideally $30/$60, but failing that, $50/$100, and failing that, $20/$40.  Why do I like LHE so much?  Well, I started playing casino poker quite a while before the "boom" happened, and NLHE wasn't offered in casinos back then.  (I say "back then" like it's 40 years ago when in actual fact I'm talking about 7 or 8 years ago...)  So, it's what I'm most comfortable with, and it's what I built my bankroll playing.  But alas, no mid- or high-stakes LHE at Fallsview, so I played $5/$5 NLHE instead.

About 3 minutes after I sat down, the guy next to me says: "Don't you host a poker show or something?".  I said yes.  He said: "Did you not want me to say that here?".  I told him that it didn't matter to me.  As an aside, the show (Poker Night Live) has been cancelled but the repeats, oh the repeats, they are going and going and going.  So, I feel like I'm kind of freerolling on the fame thing because I don't actually have to do anything anymore, but my stupid mug keeps showing up on the TV night after night.  Every single time I go to a casino, someone asks me if I host a poker show or something.  And it happens in bars sometimes too.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't like it.  I do.  It makes my feel special.  I'm not.  But it makes me feel like I am, so that's cool and all.

3 interesting hands.  (The last one is CONTROVERSIAL which is why I'm putting it last.  Suspense... suspense.  Also, it happened last, so it should be last anyway.)

First hand I'm dealt AQo, but it's raised to $20 and re-raised to $60 by the time it gets to me... easy fold.  The flop comes queen-high, and I'm thinking "damn" or "thank God", depending on what my would-be opponents were holding.  As it turned out, one of them had pocket kings, so my (fairly easy) preflop laydown saved me some $$$.

Very next hand (second hand of the night) I'm dealt AQo AGAIN.  Crazy.  Not really.  This time, there's a raise to $20, and I just call along with a couple of others.  Four of us see a ten-high flop.  Someone bets, I fold, as does one other player.  Heads-up to the turn, and it's a queen!  Again, I'm thinking "damn" or "thank God" etc. etc. etc.  Turns out, someone had pocket kings again, and I would have lost some chips if I'd seen that queen, again.

I guess I was dodging bullets, but they were pretty easy to dodge.

This next (CONTROVERSIAL) hand happened quite a while later.  I limp in LP after a number of limpers with 5h7h.  Flop comes 457 rainbow, I have top two but it's vulnerable.  Checked to me, I bet $25.  The button makes it $70 total.  Folded back to me, and I make it $120 total.  (I know that it's a weird re-raise, but the stacks (his in particular) actually weren't all that deep, so it was effective enough.  Anyway, the point here isn't whether or not it was a good re-raise, the point is that if you do the math, it was a LEGAL re-raise).  I put out the $120 total, and the dealer starts pushing me some chips and then he flips over the turn card immediately (an ace FWIW). 

I ask: "Why are you giving me chips?"  He tells me that it wasn't a legal re-raise... it wasn't enough.  I told him that it was a legal re-raise (being as much or more than the previous bet or raise) and the rest of the table told him the same thing.  My opponent more or less shrugged. 

I asked the dealer why he didn't think it was worth telling me that (he thought) it wasn't a legal re-raise BEFORE flipping over the turn card, so that I might offer my own point of view on the situation while the integrity of the action can still be maintained.  He shrugged.

The floor was called, the situation was explained (a number of times) and the floorman more or less shrugged.  My opponent then decided that all this craziness was too much, and he mucked his cards and awarded me the pot.  I mucked my cards (because that's what I normally do when I win a pot) and I guess this is some kind of bad etiquette here, because the guys at the other end of the table said to me: "The guy is giving you the pot!  The least you can do is show him your cards..."

I suppose they're right.  I don't know... I'm used to dealers who know the rules of NLHE so I've never been in this awkward situation before.  It was too late to SHOW him my hand (and I think those guys at the other end of the table just wanted to pick up some extra info. about me and didn't actually care about "etiquette") but I told him the truth about what I had.  I then asked if he would have called another $50 on the flop (which is what I had re-raised.)  He told me that he would have called the extra $50 on the flop, but would have folded the turn to a bet.  And there would have been a bet on the turn.  So, the dealer cost me $50, is what it comes down to.  And, he didn't even apologize... sigh... online poker.  That's where it's at.  Tell your friends.

Other interesting (to some, maybe) moments:

Every vending machine in the hotel (The Radisson) was offering only expired juices, pops, and snacks.  After spending $4 on a bottle of juice and a bottle of lemonade (only to discover that they had both expired), I took the elevator down 15 floors to the main desk to ask for my $4 back. 

If you know me at all, you will probably know that I didn't care about the $4.  It was the principle of the thing.  They told me that they don't actually own the machines, and as such, they wouldn't be able to refund my $4.  I told them that the machines are in their hotel, and are therefore their responsibility.  They more or less shrugged, and I gave up.

I played a bit of blackjack, and one of the dealers arrived with a little sign that said: "This dealer is deaf".  It seemed odd to me that the dealer was effectively referencing herself in the third person.  Good dealer, but calling the pit boss for colour-up's and saying the player's totals wasn't happening.

The only other thing I'd like to tell you about this brief trip is that if you're ever wondering where to go for dinner at Fallsview Casino, go to the Asian Pearl.  You won't be disappointed.

Well, I said I'd play in some multi-table tournaments gearing up for Vegas, and so far everything is going well.  First a good result on Sunday night (see my last blog) and last night I managed to get 4th in a Stars $100 MTT.  (Good for about 2.4K)  I played four MTT's last night, got fourth in that one I just mentioned, busted out of the money in two, and then made the money in the other one but lost a huge chunk of my stack on this hand:

(I wasn't going to write about it but "NegMike" (or MidnightMike on pokerforum.ca) was watching the tournament and asked me about this one specifically, ie: what could I have possibly laid down...)

That hand was nuts.  It was the first time my fingers didn't co-operate with my brain.  And I mean it...  I had A6o in the BB and a big stack--a very nice stack, good table image, no need to play big pots against big stacks without a big hand--and another big stack raised me.  I thought for a while, and decided to fold.  EXCEPT INSTEAD OF HITTING "FOLD" I HIT CALL.  No lie.  Then the flop comes 789 with two clubs (I have none) and I have an open-ender.  I check, he bets, and I call, planning to take the pot on the turn regardless of whether or not I hit my draw as long as it's a scare card.  (ie: any club, 5, 6, 10, or jack).

The turn comes an offsuit six and I take my stab.  Problem was, either he hit the board hard or he had an overpair he wasn't willing to lay down regardless of the texture of the board.  So he moved in, and it was the rest of my stack to call, and even though I practically have odds to try drawing to a chop given the pot size and my remaining stack, I have to fold to try and stay in the thing.

I really, really, honestly meant to fold preflop.  Crazy hand.

ANYWAY that was that, but the fourth-place finish in the other tournament was sweet.  I screwed up the last hand (as is usually the case when people are discussing their last hand) but no biggie.  I had 33 in the BB and about 13 BB's in my stack.  Button (big stack) raised 3XBB and I moved in, figuring that I had enough chips to get him to fold a lot of hands (read the next paragraph to learn why that is completely wrong).  He had TT and called, no help for me, and that was that.

In and of itself, I didn't play the hand that badly.  I had a pocket pair in a four-handed game and was defending against a possible steal from a big stack, using my not-insignificant stack size as a weapon.  Happens all the time.  The problem with the play was that I forgot to take into consideration the fact that this guy would call me with a hand like 89o.  He was a CALLING STATION.  And, he wasn't raising a whole lot, so it probably wasn't even a steal on his part (ie: 89o).  He was just doing a whole lot of calling, in general.  But even if it WAS a steal with 89o, he would have called, because that's how he rolls.

So, I ignored my carefully thought-out read of this player's style and made the worst move possible (moving in with the threes) considering how this guy plays.  I forgot to ask myself the big question: do I WANT to be called???  The answer with pocket threes is pretty much always: no.  Not really.  Happy to pick up what's in there, thanks.  If I had just talked my way through the scenarios, I would have folded, or maybe called to try and flop a set.  My conversation with myself would have gone like this: if I move in, will this player call me with a wide range of hands?  Yes.  Do I want to be called?  No.

Seems like an open and shut case to me.  Sigh.  Oh well, at least I learned something.  Again.

I feel really good about poker right now.  I'm thinking about the game, I'm playing well, making it deep in these tournaments at Stars.  The only question is: will it all work in Vegas?

Cheeky.  Very cheeky.

LAYDOWNS: Hand Analysis in the Heat of Battle

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By: Devin Armstrong

TOURNAMENT TIPS by Devin Armstrong..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

I was sitting here today wondering what I would write about for this month's column.  I've been playing a lot of sit and go's in the past few months, but 'sit and go strategy' has kind of been done to death.  That doesn't mean that I won't attempt to reinvent that wheel somewhere along the line.

I figured that--since I was in front of the computer anyways—I might as well play in a multi-table tournament to try and find some inspiration.  I've only played a few MTT's since the WSOP, because I have a hard time setting aside the requisite 6 or so consecutive hours it takes to finish them.  Nonetheless, I bought into a $109 NL rebuy event, and lo and behold, I won it.  Well, we made a deal when we were down to three, but I did go on to win it for the leaderboard points.  I ask you: how could I write about anything other than this?  I was looking for inspiration, and I found it.  I'd like to have a look at a few of the hands from the tournament, and then I'll briefly discuss the deal that was made.

If you ever play in an online tournament in the middle of the afternoon on a weekday, you'll discover that the 'casual players' aren't really out in full force.  Instead, you'll look at the names at your table, and you'll see JohnnyBax, Purr Of Aces, ackbleh, and Premier.  These are not good names to see.  They are all, at the very least, long-term winning poker players.  Fortunately, I managed to make it to the first break as the chip leader, having only taken the immediate rebuy and then—needlessly, I admit—the add-on.  One player at my starting table rebought at least 10 times, a la Daniel Negreanu.  And, also like Negreanu, this player made it deep enough into the tournament to cover his rebuys and then some.

DON'T LET THE "NAMES" PUSH YOU AROUND

If there's one thing players with any amount of recognition like to do, it's to use that recognition to bully the table.  This seems to be as much the case online as it is in live poker.  Here's one hand against JohnnyBax, fairly early in the tournament.  He had been getting out of line quite a bit, so I decided to try and slow him down.

Hold'em No Limit - Level V (75/150) - 2005/10/31 - 15:22:31 (ET)
Seat #4 is the button
Seat 1: khalimirov (4840 in chips)
Seat 3: wish99 (10075 in chips)
Seat 4: JohnnyBax (5000 in chips)
Seat 5: MeraTrolldeg (8085 in chips)
Seat 6: all aces (16815 in chips)
Seat 7: jinxcash (5850 in chips)
Seat 8: Purr Of Aces (8600 in chips)
Seat 9: ackbleh (9770 in chips)
MeraTrolldeg: posts small blind 75
all aces: posts big blind 150
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to all aces [Th Jd]
jinxcash: folds
Purr Of Aces: folds
ackbleh: folds
khalimirov: folds
wish99: folds
JohnnyBax: raises 300 to 450
MeraTrolldeg: folds
all aces: calls 300
*** FLOP *** [Jc Ks 7c]
all aces: checks
JohnnyBax: checks
*** TURN *** [Jc Ks 7c] [6h]
all aces: checks
JohnnyBax: bets 450
all aces: calls 450
*** RIVER *** [Jc Ks 7c 6h] [2h]
all aces: checks
JohnnyBax: bets 1500
all aces: calls 1500
*** SHOW DOWN ***
JohnnyBax: shows [8c 5c] (high card King)
all aces: shows [Th Jd] (a pair of Jacks)
all aces collected 4875 from pot

Calling someone down with second pair, weak kicker, isn't typically a winning play.  You should either be raising your mediocre hands to make them appear stronger than they actually are, or you should be folding them.  In this case, however, I felt very strongly that I had the best hand, and I knew that the only way I'd be able to extract any chips from my opponent would be to let him bluff at the pot.  It didn't take me a second to make that call on the river.  We were approaching the end of the rebuy period and JohnnyBax was playing extremely loose, trying to build a stack for the "real" start of the tournament.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO MIX IT UP

You're not getting any good starting cards and your stack is dwindling towards oblivion?  Don't worry about it!  Create your own opportunities.  If you've been doing a lot of folding, your table image should be that of a tight, conservative player.  And as a result, all of your patience has paid off, though not in the way you'd expected; instead of finally getting good starting cards, you have "earned" the right to steal. 

Here are two hands from later on in the tournament.  In both cases, I'd been folding quite a bit, biding my time and sitting on my fairly deep stack. 

Hold'em No Limit - Level IX (300/600)

Seat #8 is the button
Seat 1: bILiaRds (8175 in chips)
Seat 2: Premier (27837 in chips)
Seat 4: scott tuna (5660 in chips)
Seat 5: BR_1 (8911 in chips)
Seat 6: Steddi (6425 in chips)
Seat 7: cjh102977 (9645 in chips)
Seat 8: njm800 (5673 in chips)
Seat 9: all aces (21014 in chips)
all players post the ante 50
all aces: posts small blind 300
bILiaRds: posts big blind 600
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to all aces [9d 8h]
Premier: folds
scott tuna: folds
BR_1: folds
Steddi: folds
cjh102977: folds
njm800: folds
all aces: raises 1200 to 1800
bILiaRds: calls 1200
*** FLOP *** [Kh Kd 2d]
all aces: checks
bILiaRds: checks
*** TURN *** [Kh Kd 2d] [9s]
all aces: bets 2400
bILiaRds: calls 2400
*** RIVER *** [Kh Kd 2d 9s] [7c]
all aces: checks
bILiaRds: bets 3925 and is all-in
all aces: calls 3925
*** SHOW DOWN ***
bILiaRds: shows [Tc Qh] (a pair of Kings)
all aces: shows [9d 8h] (two pair, Kings and Nines)
all aces collected 16650 from pot

On the flop, I was clearly trying to represent that I had a king, by checking.  On the turn, however, things didn't go as planned when he called my "I have a king" bet.  And on the river, when he moved all-in, I figured he either had a busted draw or a monster.  Since my stack could—to some degree—absorb a mistake, I decided to call with my turned pair of nines, and they were indeed good. 

Here's another one, from the final table, played against a player who I'd noticed was raising more than his fair share preflop.  Additionally, he was usually getting away from his hands quickly postflop if he was challenged.

Hold'em No Limit - Level XIV (1500/3000)

Seat #5 is the button
Seat 1: gsmalls30 (58131 in chips)
Seat 3: Terpfan (63112 in chips)
Seat 4: wish99 (84545 in chips)
Seat 5: Chartez (21152 in chips)
Seat 6: 8ivyleague8 (115531 in chips)
Seat 7: all aces (123416 in chips)
Seat 8: Premier (45280 in chips)
Seat 9: SLØVås (48333 in chips)
all players post the ante 150
8ivyleague8: posts small blind 1500
all aces: posts big blind 3000
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to all aces [Th 8h]
Premier: folds
SLØVås: folds
gsmalls30: folds
Terpfan: raises 6000 to 9000
wish99: folds
Chartez: folds
8ivyleague8: folds
all aces: calls 6000
*** FLOP *** [Js 3d 4s]
all aces: checks
Terpfan: bets 3000
all aces: calls 3000
*** TURN *** [Js 3d 4s] [Kh]
all aces: checks
Terpfan: checks
*** RIVER *** [Js 3d 4s Kh] [3h]
all aces: bets 12000
Terpfan: folds
all aces collected 26700 from pot
all aces: doesn't show hand

On this one, I called the flop bet with the intention of check-raising any turn bet, or firing on the river if there was no turn action.  Basically, I felt that my opponent was stealing, and would fold to an aggressive action from me, which is exactly what happened.

TRY TO GET LUCKY

In poker, there will always be those wonderful times when you'll need to get lucky.  You'll be on your feet, yelling out bizarre non sequiturs such as: "Ace!"  "Ten!"  and "Queen!", and as much as you'll try to avoid these spots, nothing compares to the feeling you'll get when somehow, magically, one of the cards you were yelling for appears on the board.  That was the case for me when we were down to four players remaining in the tournament.  In this hand, I made a big call with just AQ offsuit, for a couple of reasons.  First and foremost, it probably looked like I was stealing.  I was on the button, it was folded to me, and I made a standard raise.  I can give an opponent like Premier credit for being able to recognize what is very likely a steal, and acting accordingly with less-than-optimal cards of his own.  And second, if I laid down a hand like AQ in this particular circumstance, I'd get run over.  I'd had to fold a couple of hands to re-raises already, and if you give your opponents an inch, they will probably take a mile.  Raising, and then consistently folding to any re-raise, is not good poker.  So, I called, and right before the river card came I was on the other side of the room yelling "Ace!  Jack!  Queen!  Ten!" and loving every second of it.

Hold'em No Limit - Level XV (2000/4000)

Seat #7 is the button
Seat 1: gsmalls30 (85585 in chips)
Seat 6: 8ivyleague8 (244639 in chips)
Seat 7: all aces (143716 in chips)
Seat 8: Premier (85560 in chips)
all players post the ante 200

Premier: posts small blind 2000
gsmalls30: posts big blind 4000
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to all aces [Qs Ad]
8ivyleague8: folds
all aces: raises 8000 to 12000
Premier: raises 73360 to 85360 and is all-in
gsmalls30: folds
all aces: calls 73360
*** FLOP *** [Jc Kh Ks]
 *** TURN *** [Jc Kh Ks] [3d]
*** RIVER *** [Jc Kh Ks 3d] [Th]
*** SHOW DOWN ***
Premier: shows [7d 7c] (two pair, Kings and Sevens)
all aces: shows [Qs Ad] (a straight, Ten to Ace)
all aces collected 175520 from pot

After that hand, I emailed support and had them come to the table to work out a chip-count deal for us.  Our stacks were as follows:

8ivyleague8: 242,239

all aces: 236,076

gsmalls30: 81,185

The original prize structure for the tournament paid first place $10470, second place $6980, and third $4153.10.  The chip count deal would see 8ivyleague8 receiving $8147.92, me getting $7972.02, and gsmalls30 getting $5483.16.  I was happy receiving an amount that fell nicely between first- and second-place money, but I wasn't sure that gsmalls30 would take the deal.  Certainly, the people watching the tournament weren't helping matters any.  They were telling gsmalls30 that he was, essentially, getting screwed by taking about $1300 more than third place money when he could have a shot at first-place money instead.  These were reasonable points, but gsmalls30 eventually took the deal.  He probably could have squeezed a hundred or two more out of me and 8ivyleague8, but it didn't come to that.

With any luck, I'll have some road stories to tell from my upcoming trip (finished by the time you read this) to the Harvest Poker Classic at Casino Regina.  Until then, good luck at the tables.

I know that this column is usually about how to play better poker, but I thought I'd mix it up every few months with articles that are a little more anecdotal.  I hope that you don't feel ripped off.  This took place a few years ago.  At the time, I was playing a lot of shorthanded $25/$50 limit hold'em at an online poker room, which is how I built a decent initial bankroll.  I'd see the same players night after night, which was more or less fine with me.  Occasionally, somebody who'd just won a tournament or had been running good at the $10/$20 games would sit down, much to the delight of us 'regulars'.  ..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

This story is about a player who was anything but regular: it's about a guy who wanted to give away all of his money.  My recollections of exactly what was said probably aren't exactly right, but they're close.

I sat down to play my usual game.  I knew 3 of the players; the 4th I'd never seen before. He had about $1000, which is more than most first-timers used to bring to those games. It was usually either the minimum of $250 (a good way to lose $250) or the only slightly more reasonable $500.

Through the chat, I learned a few things about him. He was Russian, his connection was intermittent, and he was kind of drunk on vodka.  He hated Americans, and liked Canadians.  Obviously, I'm Canadian, but I wasn't really concerned about what he thought of me—I just wanted him to play faster.  His English was limited and broken, and hilarious at times.  He typed things like "you are a stuped", which people would normally find offensive, but in some kind of immature way it was amusing.

We were all having a good time, except for the fact that the game was moving very, very slowly—not unlike this story so far.  I was about to leave and come back a little later, but then the Russian player said he wanted to have some fun.  He told us that when we bet against him he would raise every street, and then he'd fold at the river and give us his money.  Now, this was possible, because at this site there doesn't have to be a bet to you in order to fold. You can act first, and press the fold button, and just fold right then and there instead of checking.

None of us believed him, until he went ahead and did just what he said he'd do, twice, with two people who weren't me.  He kept betting, they kept calling (not raising--nobody really knew what to think at that point) and then on the river, he'd be first to act, and he'd just fold and give them the pot.

I liked it.

So, he'd lost a bit, and he was down to around $400 or so.  It was folded to him in the small blind, and I was in the big blind.  He'd just played those two hands where he folded at the end.  I had rags.  He raised, and encouraged me to re-raise the whole way, because he wanted to give me his money.  He said he would fold at the end.

At that point, I asked him why he was doing this, and he said he had a lot of money in ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Russia.  OK… since I'd just seen him do this twice, I decided to trust him.  We capped it pre-flop, and we capped the flop. I had absolutely nothing.  We got to the turn, and we capped that too.  He had $37 left.  The river card came.

Predictably, instead of folding, the Russian player bet his last $37.  Then he said: "I have a J and a 3" which translated to 2 pair.  I called his all-in bet with nothing because I was stunned, and he took it down.

I didn't get mad.  I just asked him why he didn't fold.  He told me that he would have folded if I'd raised the river.  I told him that he was all-in, and that it's impossible to fold when you're all-in regardless of whether or not your opponent raises you.  He said that he didn't know that.  I told him that I wanted my money back.  I didn't care about taking his money; I just wanted my part of that pot back.

He said 'OK', but then he started losing it to the other players at the table.  I politely asked him to please hang onto the cash until he had a chance to pay me back.  Finally, we got heads-up again—he raised UTG and I 3-bet with A6o to isolate him.  We capped preflop.  I said that this was his chance to pay me back, and that we needed to cap the flop and the turn, and then he needed to fold when I told him to.  He said: "I have Ks Th".  OK...

The flop was AA2.  He bet, I raised, he re-raised, I capped, and he called.  I told him that to get squared up we needed to cap the turn as well.  The turn was another 2, and we capped it.  The river was a 5.  He bet, and I told him that we were even, and that when I raised, he needed to fold.  He said "I have Ks Th" again.  I didn't know why he was telling me that; it wasn't supposed to matter what he had.  Anyway, he bet, and I raised.

And instead of folding, he called.  Of course I took it down with my aces full, but he called with his 2 pair, king kicker, instead of folding.  I was dumbfounded, thinking 'maybe I am a stuped'.  Maybe I was being suckered.  I said to him "you were supposed to fold.  What if I had 73o or something?"  He said "I told you what I had".

Suffice it to say that the rest of the table found our exchanges hilarious.  He had about $120 left after that hand, and he lost it quickly.  Then he said: "You guys want I buy $1000?"  The chat box filled up with various statements like: "Yes" and "Rebuy" and "Please make it $3000, sir".  He said 'OK', and told us what his new username would be, and left.

I wrote down the new username. I haven't seen him since.

I posted this experience on a couple of poker forums shortly after it happened, and most of the replies expressed the opinion that the Russian player was involved with some sort of a stolen credit card ring.  Others suggested that the Russian player was working with the other players at the table: he'd lost about $200 or so to them, in order to set me up for a bigger score.  I'm not sure about the first suggestion, but I can pretty much—although not entirely—rule out the second one.  As I mentioned, I'd been playing with those guys for quite some time, and while you never can tell who you're dealing with online, I'm confident that this wasn't the case.

Humorous anecdote or cautionary tale?  I'll leave that to you to decide.  All I could do was shake my head in disbelief, marveling at the truly bizarre situations one can end up experiencing while playing poker.

STEALING by Devin Armstrong..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

When I was a kid (a long time ago) I once stole a teddy bear to impress a girl.  Kids do stupid things, and that was an extremely stupid thing to do.  Men have been trying to find ways to impress women since the beginning of time, and I can tell you this: stealing a teddy bear is not one of those ways.  Needless to say, I was apprehended at the store's exit—my technique was that I had none—reprimanded, punished, grounded, and all of that.  My parents—in what I now see as an example of truly excellent parenting, although that wasn't how I saw it back then—marched me back to the store, made me apologize to the owner, made me buy the teddy bear I had tried to steal, and then marched me over to the Salvation Army, where I was forced to give it away.

I learned my lesson.  I haven't stolen anything since, and don't plan on ever doing so again.

So, what does any of this have to do with poker?  Maybe a bit more than you might think.  Occasionally, situations develop in poker that put you to some sort of an "ethical test"; situations that exist within the rules of the game, but lie in an ethical grey area.  For example, you are playing in a live game and your neighbour is not protecting his hole cards.  You can see at least one of them—and sometimes both—in each and every hand.  Do you tell him that he needs to do a better job of protecting his hole cards?  Do you say nothing, but avoid looking in that direction?  Or, do you "steal" the information that is available to you by checking out his cards, and then using that information to enrich your decision-making process?

I've been in that situation, and I informed my opponent that he needed to protect his cards.  That doesn't make me any kind of a saint, and it doesn't make you any kind of a sinner if you would have done otherwise, but that was my decision.  My opponent was relatively new to the game, and was grateful for my honesty.

Fast-forward to last week.  I was playing in an online $1,000 buy-in sit-and-go.  There were only two of us left, and we had roughly equal stacks.  First place paid $4,500, and second place paid $2,500.  The blinds were 300/600 with 10,000 total chips in play, and there were to be no more blind increases.

My opponent disconnected.  The poker site gave him the extra disconnection time, but he was still gone at the end of it.  So, he was automatically folding every hand to me, and with the blinds as high as they were, it was going to cost him a large portion of his stack, if not all of it.  It may or may not be important to note that my opponent had been a worthy adversary throughout the sit-and-go; he wasn't putting bad beat after bad beat on people, and he wasn't trash-talking.  He had played a solid game, and deserved the win as much as I thought I did.

This was one of those "ethical grey areas" I was talking about.  I could have sat out, which would have kept our stacks equal until he returned.  As I mentioned, there weren't going to be any more blind increases, so this would have been a fine solution to the "problem".  Or, I could have done a couple of other things.  Interested to see what other people would have done, I posted this situation as a poll at pokerforum.ca.  Here were the options that I presented:

When your opponent disconnects in the situation described above, do you:

a)     Fold every small blind to him, as he is doing to you, thus keeping the stacks the same as they were at the time of his disconnection?

b)     Take all of his blinds, but wait until the last possible second before you act, thus minimizing the damage?

c)     Take all of his blinds as quickly as you can, thus decimating his stack?

Before I get to the results of the poll, I'd like to address a few of the issues that were brought up in the accompanying chat.

Does your course of action in this scenario reflect who you are as a person?  After giving it some thought, I don't think so.  There are people who would choose option 'a'—believers in the spirit of 'integrity in poker'—who would probably not hesitate to jump ahead in a long grocery store lineup given the chance.  Similarly, there are people who would choose option 'c' who would tell their neighbour at the poker table that he was exposing his hole cards.

Would your course of action be in any way different if this was a "live" poker scenario?  Well, I couldn't think of a perfect "live" comparison for an online disconnection.  The closest thing I could come up with was the rule whereby if a player is not back from a tournament dinner break on time, his blinds are posted and his hands are folded.  It's not perfect, but there you have it.

And finally, do the stakes matter?  This was an interesting question.  Would your course of action be any different if this was a $20 SNG as opposed to a $1,000 SNG?  Honestly, I don't think so, and neither does "beanie42" (Trevor Cook), who wrote: "That's like saying stealing a DVD ($20) from an unwatched truck is bad, but a TV ($500) might be something you'd do."  If you think that option 'c' is stealing (in the non-poker sense of the word) then the issue of how much you are stealing is overshadowed by the fact that you are stealing in the first place.

A surprising number of forum members replied that they would choose option 'a'; that is, they would sit out and wait for their opponent to reconnect.  Perhaps less surprisingly, the anonymous poll results told a different story:

a)     10.3%

b)     34.5%

c)     55.2%

I noticed that those who chose option 'a' were the ones who wrote the most about their decision in the thread, despite the fact that they were in the minority.  Those who chose option 'c' wrote the least about their decision, choosing instead to merely cast an anonymous vote. 

So, back to the sit-and-go: what did I decide to do, in the heat of battle?

At first, I played very slowly, giving my opponent time to return.  After only a few hands, I shook my head and thought: "what the hell am I doing?"  I then proceeded to steal all of his blinds, as quickly as I possibly could.  I did this by checking the 'Muck Losing/Uncalled Hands' box to speed things along, and I just called from the small blind when it was my turn to act.  It auto-folded him to even just a call, and that way if he came back at the last second I wouldn't be risking my chips by raising.  I absolutely decimated his stack.

My opponent reconnected when his stack was down to about 1200, to my 8800.  He didn't say anything about what had happened, and neither did I.  He doubled up to 2400 to my 7600, and then again to 4800 to my 5200.  We were pretty much even again, but I went on to win it anyways.  A victory in a 1K sit-and-go usually has me out of my chair, walking a slow, silent circle with my arms raised high in the air, but this one kind of left a bad taste in my mouth.  The disconnection incident had soured the victory.

Did my chosen course of action make me a bad person?  Did I break my childhood promise to my parents?  I don't think so.  Disconnections are a part—albeit a rare one—of online poker.  And, like being moved in a tournament from the button at one table to an early position seat at the next, sometimes disconnections will work for you, and sometimes they will work against you.  There are many people who say that they would have waited for their opponent to reconnect.  My hat is off to them.  I am not one of those people.  I play poker to win, and how I win—as long as I stay well within the rules of the game—is inconsequential.  After coming to that conclusion, I did a belated, but still satisfying, slow silent circle walk.  A win is a win, stuff happens, and of course, that's poker.  At least, that's my take on it, but hey, I'm a notorious blind-stealer.

POKER COMMENTATING 101  by Devin Armstrong..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

WANTED: Experienced on-air poker commentator for new TV show.  Demo reel and black blazer a must.

That's something you'd never see ten years ago.  To be fair, you'd probably never see it now, either; these "glamour" jobs (who wouldn't want to talk about poker on TV for a living?) are usually filled by word of mouth and/or nepotism.  Nevertheless, it can't be denied that a guy (or girl) looking to be a TV poker commentator would have been out of luck ten years ago.  The idea of televised poker hadn't yet caught on, and even the most fanatical of poker fans would have had to admit that watching grim-faced unwashed surly people playing cards wouldn't exactly make for good TV.

But here we are in the age of hole card cameras and Chris Moneymaker, and it's a whole new ballgame.  People who have dreamed of being poker commentators ever since they were small children actually have a chance of becoming one.  And with that in mind, I would like to put forth a playbook of sorts; a list of do's and don't's for all of the would-be poker analysts out there.  I've had the opportunity to do a bit of this type of work, and after watching a few of my first cringe-inducing episodes, I would like to share with you what I've learned about this not-yet-lost art.

NEVER SAY NEVER

Never say "never", and never say "always".  Words like "typically" and "usually" will become your new best friends.  For example, instead of saying: "That's a bad play, you should never call a preflop raise with ace-six offsuit", try saying: "That's not the best play, you should typically avoid calling preflop raises with hands like ace-six offsuit". 

Let's take a closer look at a few of the differences between the two sentences: "bad play" became "not the best play", "you should never call" became "you should typically avoid calling", and "ace-six offsuit" became "hands like ace-six offsuit".  What we have gained with the new-and-improved sentence is insurance against the guy at home who is thinking to himself: "what if it's a heads-up game, and both of you are severely shortstacked relative to the blinds?"  The guy thinking these thoughts is the same type of guy who will hop onto message boards and pick your analysis apart, piece by piece.  So you should typically cover your ass.

BE RIGHT

As a poker commentator, there is nothing that will sink your career faster than dishing out bad poker advice.  It's one thing to be able to smile, look at the right camera, wear a black blazer, and talk without fumbling over your words; it's quite another to be able to provide solid and sometimes creative analysis of any given hand at any given time.  If you're not sure about what the best play is in a situation, don't guess at it.  Just close your mouth and let your co-host do the talking.  If you're faking your way through it and you know it, you'll be best served by picking your battles and avoiding trouble hands.  Remember though, you won't be able to fake your way through it for long. 

DON'T INSULT YOUR AUDIENCE

Also known as "don't bite the hand that feeds you".  The vast majority of televised poker fans are poker players, and the vast majority of these poker players play at relatively low stakes.  With this in mind, it's probably not a good idea to say things like: "that play is typical of the types of plays you see a lot of low-limit players make".  The fact of the matter is, there are some damn good players playing low-limit poker.  Maybe they're relatively new to the game and are still trying to build decent bankrolls, but that doesn't mean they're unskilled. 

If you happen to be analyzing the play at a table full of low-limit players who are indeed clearly bad, though, try to adopt a more encouraging, almost parental role by saying things like: "These players are savvy enough to be able to spot the holes in their games; all they need is some more experience.  I bet if we checked in on them in a year we'd find that most of these guys turn out to be solid players".  Statements like these will take the "edge" off your analysis, and what's more, these statements are usually true.

KNOW WHEN TO DRAW THE LINE

Successful poker commentating is all about compromise and balance.  You will have all manner of poker players watching your show, ranging from new players who haven't yet shuffled a chip to certified poker champions.  The trick is to reach out to both of these types of players.  The novice might not want to hear you go on and on about re-re-stealing and check-raise semi-bluffing, and the pro might not want to hear you explain what blinds are, and how they work. 

It goes without saying, then, that you should provide deep analysis of the hands, but not too deep.  Don't ignore the play-by-play: the fact that an all-in player was dead to a ten on the river and got there should not be glossed over while you're busy talking about a marginal implied odds call from the hand before.  At the same time, you'll have to provide a level of analysis that will keep the expert players engaged in the action.  Merely stating the obvious will not suffice. 

PUT A LITTLE MUSTARD ON IT

Poker can be boring.  I love poker, but even I have to admit than when an entire table goes card dead and hasn't said anything besides "check" and "fold" for an hour, I'm looking around to see if there's any paint drying somewhere.  So, as a poker commentator, the onus will fall upon you to make it exciting.  Using phrases like: "the game within the game" and "psychological warfare" will certainly help.  That being said, you have to keep in mind that the majority of poker players are characteristically subtle, low-key, and prone to prolonged periods of cynicism.  So while you're trying to make it more exciting than it is, try not to yell.  This isn't the SuperBowl, and you're going to have a hard time convincing your audience of anything different.  That ten on the river will come roughly 9% of the time.  Team Canada did not just win the gold medal in overtime.

DON'T GUSH

The easiest trap a poker commentator can fall into is excessively gushing over successful bluffs.  No doubt, it is impressive to watch players find ways to win pots when their hole cards haven't hit the board at all.  However, that doesn't change the fact that there are good bluffs and there are transparent bluffs: just because a bluff worked doesn't make it a good one.  So, before you start gushing about a player's great instincts and nerves of steel, try to give the situation a bit of perspective first.  If a player bluffed with a missed flush draw, and it looked like a bluff from a missed flush draw, and nine players out of ten would have called the bluff, then it wasn't the best bluff in the history of bluffing.  The player who made the bluff isn't Gus Hansen, unless of course he is Gus Hansen.  In a nutshell, you should remember that there are a number of players who are sitting at home thinking: "I would have made the call", and that half of them might have actually made it.

These are the things that I have learned, so far, by watching my own attempts at the art of poker commentating.  I have also learned not to interrupt, and not to repeat myself.  And finally, I've learned that the 'play-by-play/colour' formula has worked in sports broadcasting for years.  Cursed be the show that messes with it. 

As more and more poker shows proliferate the airwaves, there will be a greater and greater demand for poker commentators.  I urge you to begin developing your poker commentating skills as soon as you possibly can, and perhaps you can gently suggest it to your misguided children in medical school as an alternate career path.  At your next home game, instead of playing, sit the night out and talk about your friend's playing instead.  Practice makes perfect, and you'll need to start somewhere.  I wish you all the best with your future career in what has become a thriving sector of the sports broadcasting market.