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steve(n)



Last Updated: 11/18/2009

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Gender: Male
Status: Single
Age: 24
Sign: Aquarius

City: red bank/philadelphia
State: New Jersey
Country: US
Signup Date: 3/31/2004

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Monday, December 31, 2007 
this year has been one of the best and one of the worst of my short life. there were lots of fun shows but lots of bands broke up. there were lots of people i met and lots i lost all friendship with. there was lots of music worked on but lots of not giving a fuck by everyone.

every year i grow a little older, and some of my youthful excitement and optimism dies along with me. it doesn't feel good to wake up in the morning and know that you're alone. friends come and go, and always do what's best for them. you have to learn that you're always yourself and you can't depend on anyone. but does that mean that you should let people stop depending on you? no. not at all.

there have been lots of back and forths inside myself about many things. girls, friends, school, jobs. it hurts to know that something was good and is now gone, but nothing gold can stay.

2007 started on a good note, and is going to end on a good note, but all the wishwash inbetween seems kind of like a blur of joy and disappointment, love and hate, hope and hopelessness.

i have a certain thing that i wanna talk about. i once heard geoff rickly talk about irony and how all of pop culture is based on irony. i don't want to grow up ironic. i want to grow up just as passionate as i am right now, just as passionate as i was 5 years ago being a young 14 year old kid getting into punk. read the quote on my main page from a review of the texas is the reason reunion shows. don't ever forget what it feels like to be young and unrestrained and full of fucking passion.

last night in the car with some good friends, we discussed how for people years come in odd or even numbers. some people have had better odd number years, but i myself have had much better even number years. 2002- first warped tour, 8th grade, shows, friends, first bands, girlfriend. 2004- scarlet effect, sophmore year, lots of new friends, girlfriends galore, youthful optimism up the ass. 2006- senior year of high school, good music, good friends, looking forward to college, best summer ever.

it's hard to believe that 2008 is here. i will be 20. some of my favorite memories are almost a decade behind me. but the problem is that i am just learning to respect those memories and look forward to making new ones. every day i am scared of death. i am scared of being alone and having no one to care for and to care for me. every person i have thought i could have shared that with, has come and gone, leaving me here to write about it in my blog instead of having a real conversation. but i'm looking upwards and hoping that now things will change and i will finally figure it all out.

i will be ending 2007 and starting 2008 with one of my best friends and my favorite band. i will be surrounded by people who i have had a connection with for years, even if it's only a mutual love for a group of musicians on stage.

what i hope for 2008: to get in shape finally after years of BSing, to put out a record with this band, to play lots of shows, to do better in school, to finally be comfortable with myself, to find that one person who i can share things with and to respect my past while forging forward. look forward to the future, but never forget the past.

well i guess that's all i have to say right now.

come out to the 2nd empires show on friday. we have a surprise or two. who knows how long it'll be before we play again, or if we even ever do. this band could be over saturday morning and it wouldn't surprise me at all, but it would be one more thing to chalk up in the loss column. in 2008 i'm finally looking to balance that column out.

love and happiness. fun and joy. passion and unrestraint. youth and optimism. i love everyone and hope that togetherness comes for us all.

steve
Currently listening:
Sky Blue Sky
By Wilco
Release date: 15 May, 2007
8:36 PM 
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Wednesday, December 12, 2007 
expect a new blog soon. i have all these thoughts in my head and i really wanna write them down.

words cannot express how much i am looking forward to new year's eve.
10:44 PM 
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Saturday, December 01, 2007 
I'm so tired but i just can't sleep. I've got some friends, but I'm alone all the time. I call myself a musician, but i have nothing to show for it. I think i'm a nice guy but i can't meet people. I think i'm a good catch, but no one's baiting.

I can't stand to be me sometimes. I look in the mirror and expect to see someone else. But all i get is me.

I wanted you so much.

I just want someone to give a fuck about me. and let me know it.

in 14 days i'll be done for the semester. i'm bruised and half dead, but i got through it. time to pick myself up by my bootstraps and give a fuck again. i have these brief moments of brilliance, where my life is all figured out, and i flush it all down the toilet.

Tomorrow is going to be fun. Avalanche shows always are. Good times with good dudes.

I still need someone though. Seriously. Someone help me find someone to hang out with me, to watch tv with, to go have fun with, to talk to, to kiss, to go to shows with. I'm sick of being alone.
Currently listening:
A Rush of Blood to the Head
By Coldplay
Release date: 27 August, 2002
7:40 AM 
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Tuesday, November 20, 2007 
i am in this weird fucking headspace lately. as soon as night falls i'm so lonely and sad and weird and just starved for some form of human contact. that's my favorite thing about being at school, i have some people i live with that i really enjoy and can totally count on to have a good time with.

i hate that people i considered best friends are now just random kids. this sucks. i miss summer 2006. i miss fun. i miss random drives. i miss dinner on fridays. i miss not working and not worrying about it. every year i get older, i lose more of my innocence of when i was young and impressionable. things i loved are changing daily. bands, teams, friends, even myself. i wonder if in 2 years i'll look back at right now fondly? weird to think. i think my life goes in spurts of awesome. like every even year is pretty sweet for the most part. 2002- girlfriend/last in line (first band)/bikes/skateboards/friends. 2004- scarlet effect/girls/new friends/shows/fun school/meeting best friends. 2006- high school over/good records/good shows/writing music/best summer ever pt 2. maybe 2008 will bring a new me, a new female, empires being steady, new people, some new art, some new fun, some new reasons. i'm running low.

i feel like this band is falling apart on me. lack of communication between people. i need this in my life. i can't let this slip away. this is my ticket to a good life. this is my ticket to my dreams. this is my hopes and this is my dreams. in the words of frail it's time to make my own noise. hopefully this gets sorted out soon and the relationships are stronger due to it. maybe it's even all in my head.

i'm finally coming to terms that i have lost a friend that i thought i would have for a little while longer, at least. things have fallen apart and my attempts to try and fix it have gotten nowhere. it started back out on an okay foot, but right now, it's in shambles, where it will stay, until one day where i'm just a distant memory to this person. i have a feeling i'll never be able to forget them. i never forget anyone. i remember the girl i had a crush on in pre-school. i remember my best-friend in kindergarten (it helps that it's kevin mcginnis and we still joke about that shit all the time. what a dude.) enough of that. it'll only get me in trouble if this is read.

everything coming out of my hands is drivel lately. music, words, art. anything. shit. i need inspiration from someplace new. i need heavy. i need beautiful.

i kind of like wrestling again. this happened 2 years ago and lasted 6 months. who knows how long this will last.

i am well on my way to being pretty broke. spent 5/6 of what i made this summer. wow. i wish i still had that job. it ruled. those dudes ruled for the most part. there was creativity jumping from me in that place. sorry that my work was lacking, but my art was plentiful, and that's going to be better for me in the long run.

i wish my parents were into more fun stuff. i love hanging out with them but i hate watching tivo'd oprah and shitty tv shows. it's sweet i got my dad back into hockey though. we had good rangers conversation earlier.

joe trani is one of the best dudes ever. vote quimby 08. rangers hockey. straight edge motherfucking hanging out. rad.

i'm so amped for this weekend, but not thursday. thanksgiving usually entails me napping alot at my gatherings. whatever.

well i'm going to go watch seinfeld and try to sleep. good night.
Currently listening:
Kid A
By Radiohead
Release date: 03 October, 2000
6:44 AM 
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Friday, November 16, 2007 
Hey.
So things are goin okay.
School is okay.
Doing lots of hanging out and writing music.
Empires needs a singer still, and a bass player for a few shows. If you think you can do either or know anyone who can, let us know.

Top Ten of 07 (may be changed)
Albums
1. Radiohead- In Rainbows
2. Gaslight Anthem- Sink or Swim
3. Thrice- the Alchemy Index Vols. I and II
4. VNV Nation- Judgement
5. Dillinger Escape Plan- Ire Works
6. Wilco- Sky Blue Sky
7. Modest Mouse- We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank
8. Lifetime- Lifetime
9. Dear Tonight- We're Not Men
10. Chuck Ragan- Feast or Famine

Honorable mentions: Blaqk Audio- CexCells, Thursday- Kill the House Lights (This contained my 3 favorite songs of the year but it's not a full real album so it's discounted), The Ergs!- Upstairs Downstairs, NIN- Year Zero

Biggest Disappointments
1. Against Me!- New Wave- this record has 2 good songs. fuck this band now.
2. Still no new Rancid record
3. Spider Man 3
can't think of much else

Best Movies i can remember i saw
1. Control
2. Knocked Up
3. Superbad
4. Ocean's 13
5. Starter for 10
6. Grindhouse
7. The TV Set
8. Simpsons Movie

Best Shows
1. Californication
2. Heroes
3. The Sopranos
4. the Office
5. Reaper
6. South Park

don't have much to say. i've been kinda stagnant.
heres to hoping things pick up soon
Currently listening:
Ire Works
By Dillinger Escape Plan
Release date: 04 December, 2007
8:50 PM 
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Saturday, October 06, 2007 
i still consider myself a punk kid deep down in my heart of hearts.

i may be almost 20 years old and the punk "scene" may now be a bastardization of everything it/we once stood for, but someone has to keep the dream alive.

i will forever compare and contrast with two bands, afi and thursday, the bands that meant/still mean the most to me as a human being.

afi shows were something to see. they were such a ridiculous spectacle of amazing music, brotherhood, fun and love. nothing was like going to an afi show. after/before the show you'd run into band members and be like "oh man what up dave?" and you'd engage in a conversation from one punk kid to another. now your conversation has to be in a meet and greet and and you're brushed off as one of the pack of teenage girls who has made it possible for that band to go from an amazing incendiary force to another mainstream former punk band.

thursday, you see and it's still the same as it always was. the first thursday show i ever went to was immortalized on cd, and the last thursday show i saw was going to be on an upcoming dvd. if you listen to the cd and listen to the audio from the new dvd, the only discrepency you'll hear is a keyboard is added and maybe the screaming is a little different than it once was. they still are a force to be intimidated by. you talk to the members of the band and it's still like they're the same people they always were, just a little more mature.

but what happened to punk? i read ronen kaufmann's book "new brunswick, new jersey, goodbye" and i realized that book is exactly what the ideals were, at least in my mind.

punk was somewhere to go to get away from the people you didn't fit in with, and at shows no one fit in. i'd show up to a show my old band was playing wearing a shirt, tie and eyeliner (admit it, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery) and i'd feel right at home. now "punk" or what passes as "punk"/warped tour music, is the place where you fit in. and indie is going to be the next thing. and pop-punk. and who knows, maybe it'll go back around to ska. maybe even electronic music. who knows. i hope not.

what i'm trying to say, is alot of times i get really fucking depressed thinking about the days when i had fun at shows, where i had people i considered real friends who were into the same things i was, where i'd go to warped tour and be genuinely excited about every single band on the whole day's bill. now, all of that is gone. and i'm positive it's not just because i'm older, it's because the things i love changed so much.

it's scary to think something i held so sacred has become such a mockery of itself.
even local shows now are something completely different. yes, it was always you went to a show because you were friends with one of the bands, but you'd end up watching every band and enjoying at least something.

the specters cd release show in 2003. i went to see them, and i ended up seeing the survivors (who were one of my favorite bands, but not nearly as much as i revere them now) and i was fucking blown away.

you saw dabbler, got a chance to see an early static radio.

the multi-band bills were so ridiculous, you'd get to play a show with 6 other bands, all of which you'd be super close with and all the people would stay for the whole show. it was great. there was a community. we played wiffle ball. now i hardly see any of those people, even those who were my best friends, and if i do, it's so weird that words are not even spoken.

you went for/with your friends, and you just enjoyed the music.

the only empires show so far proved to me that my ideals are dead. that you play a show and all the people there only show up for one band they want to see and then leave. and that scares me. where does music go? does it all go online? is the only way people will experience music from myspace? will live shows increase in price more because turnout drops? there's still something alive somewhere deep down in the bowery of punk, and it's waiting for something amazing and interesting and heartbreaking and beautiful to come and drag it out again.

just cause the generation i represent is growing up doesn't mean we have to grow into something that our younger selves would hate. that's the last thing i want and i think i speak for many others when i say there's something left to fight for.

in the words of mr. andy west from kill your idols : "it's supposed to be a lifestyle, not a fad."
Currently listening:
The Skinnier Years
By Kill Your Idols
Release date: 18 March, 2003
3:37 PM 
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Saturday, September 01, 2007 
It's nights like this that in turn bum me out, get me feeling fulfilled and inspire me. The Explosion, a band i've been consistently seeing since I first started going to shows about 6 years ago, is no more. I have still not come to terms with the fact that i will never get to be apart of the front row choir anymore, singing "if you don't know, you weren't meant to."

That brings me to a point. Music. What is music? It's all that matters.

-No matter who the girl is who broke your heart, you turn on your favorite record and in an hour it's fine.
-Friends flake out on you, and you're left out to dry? Upstairs to your room where you pop something into your AIWA 3 disc changer.
-Parents telling you you'll never be good enough? Time to go to the record store.
-School breaking down your creativity? Pop out a 12 inch piece of plastic and put it on a turntable.

I will never forget certain moments in life. That's all we have in the end, is moments. We don't remember who our first crush was. We remember the time, at Irving Plaza in New York City, our favorite singer came down from the stage, put his arm around us, and made us sing along to one of our favorite songs.

Nothing will ever take away the time where I saw Thursday at Irving Plaza, they played a song that i really connected with, and i almost cried in anguish and joy. There are so many of these moments that go without notice. So many moments that just get lost in the translation. These are the things we have to hold on to. These are the things that mean the most in the end. These connections you make. No difference if it's Bono or your aunt, these connections that make you who you are.

Yeah, it's kinda crazy, but it's all true.

My friends have told me i'm a bit pretentious and condescending when it comes to music and people who go to shows. In particular the people who came to my bands first show. Well, look at it this way. Maybe 1% of the entire population of the world understands what "we" understand. There are thousands of people like me, who are into music (punk-used loosely) and are in it for the long haul. It's like a train. You can get on at the first stop, and people come and go as they please, but who is there when it hits it's destination, that's what's real. Those are the people who dedicate their hard earned money to seeing their favorite bands 5 times in a week. Those are the people who fly across the country to see them. Those are the people who get words or logos tattooed. Those are the people who make a change. The people who will not shut the fuck up when they're told. The people who love what they do with their time.

I can't tell you how many times i've been in a situation in my life where i felt like all hope was lost and i had nothing left. Girls, family, friends, work, school, girls. All of these things can make the world seem like it's pointing and laughing at you. The girl you're completely selflessly in love with who won't give you the time of day. The job you only keep so you can pursue your real passion that drains you until you have nothing left to give. The friends who bail on you when you need them most. I've been through it all, and the one thing that I always fall back on is music. From the age of 13 when it was full collapse, to now when it's a city by the light divided.

Long live the explosion, long live kill your idols, long live hot water music, long live afi, long live thursday, long live the movielife. long live your band, long live my band.

Thank you to all the people who have experienced these shows with me, experienced these records, experienced these times. Thank you for the people who did it themselves, who made this music.

Bands breaking up brings up some weird shit in my head. There it is. That's pretty much all I have to say about that. 
Currently listening:
Black Tape
By The Explosion
Release date: 05 October, 2004
5:03 AM 
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Friday, August 31, 2007 
it's kinda weird to be looking forward exactly 4 months. but if the rumor is true, and thursday is indeed ringing in the new year, there is nowhere in the world i would rather be.

i have seen that band so many times, it's like home to me. my favorite place to be is in the front row of a thursday show singing along to songs that changed my life so many times
Currently listening:
A City by the Light Divided
By Thursday
Release date: 02 May, 2006
5:03 AM 
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Wednesday, August 29, 2007 
this is a story of 4 people. the 4 people were really good friends. they decided to start a band. 3 of them had to leave. they're not sure what the situation is with the band.

we all want it alive. we're not dead, but we're barely alive.

philadelphia is everything it always is. alternatingly freakish and beautiful.

wouldn't have it any other way.

Currently listening:
Vheissu
By Thrice
Release date: 18 October, 2005
5:08 AM 
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Saturday, August 25, 2007 
summer was good. interesting. busy. enriching (economically).

time to go back to philly and try and have some fun, write some songs and find someone to hang out with.

there is a lot i wanna say but i'm not really sure what.

well. um. tracy morgan tomorrow? sick.

Currently listening:
Cexcells
By Blaqk Audio
Release date: 14 August, 2007
5:05 AM 
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