sometimes, the biggest answers come by way of silence, and the most important lessons are somehow the simplest. 

the massive tree outside of my apartment is visible from every glass pane in my living space. for the eighteen months i have called this place my home, i've watched this tree.  it's seen fiery red and orange sunrises at six in the morning, pastel watercolored sunsets, and nearly black nights with only a sprinkling of stars to illuminate it's ancient branches. 

the past few months, i've been strangely drawn, almost addicted to watching this tree.  it was a slow roll, but soon, my living room window had transformed into a moviescreen of beautiful sunscape painted skies- a giant naked tree as the starring role.  i started to become acutely aware of the nature that surrounds us: at red lights, my car sunroof  morphed into a perfect daydream canopied by green leaves and fluffy clouds; the trees lining the road where my job is located, started to resemble Truffula trees (*see 1.), chopped bare and lonely; the sad weeping willow i drive by daily grew greener and started to take on the persona and nickname (by me) of the Giving Tree.

i went for a long walk this night, my nephew and i.  the air was crip, with a hint of spring's soft smell teasing the hairs of my nose.  music and conversation drifted out the open windows of different apartments along the way; each sound playing it's own distinctive melody as it bounced off my eardrums and back into the atmosphere.

when returned, we paid a visit to the swingset by The Tree.  i looked up at my tree, swinging lazily in and out of eyesight; my nephew nestled cozily in my arms.  the branches of the large mass were a dark silhouette against red nighttime clouds; it's shadow playing peek-a-boo with the moon.  why was i so intrigued, smitten by a mere tree?  i imagined what this tree had stood witness to in it's lifetime: lovers dancing, salvations born, children playing, suicides and slavery, tireswings and laughter, war and peace; this tree was alive with a vivid slideshow of memories!

my breath caught in my throat as i suddenly realized what it was all about- the tree, the sharpness that had overtaken my senses, the daydreams: not only is nature brilliantly alive, but if you take the time to respect it and pay attention, it begins to notice and care for you, hiding nuggets of wisdom and joy for your discovery in every acorn, dandelion, and blue sky day...

thanks for the inspiration. peace, peace.

Dear Death:

the scars of you lie red and visible, raised upon my skin- but oh how deep they go! burrowed far, almost lost inside; only glimpsed through the eyes and gone in a blink; understood only by the language of the heart… these scars tell stories…

stories of loves had and lifetimes lived, pain and pleasure, truth and freedom and endless love, sweet love.  they tell of you, Death, and how you snuck into my life, thieving in the night, trying to take what did and does not belong to you, stories of you trying- and failing. 

these scars tell stories, stories that are real- and if you learn to listen, you can fly and you will soar. 

so, i say to you, Death, catch me if you can.

Sincerely,
harley J

who's idea was it to take the crack out of Dayquil?  i'm bloody sick and it plain  doesn't work anymore!!  Dayquil (was) a helluva drug 

borat.  just wow.

why georgia is famous for it's peaches, yet california peaches taste so much better.  this is open for debate.

how there are 18 different shapes in the animal cracker cookie zoo, and i can only count four that i've bitten the heads off of.  jeesh.  www.strangefacts.com

why people get so riled about politics.  i mean i get it, but if we just ixne'd both parties, and made it about the candidates, seems like a much more accurate system.  *note: i do realize this is nearly impossible, and likely never to happen*

how my driving gets worse the older i get.  i would understand if i were in my seventies and my ojos were going and such, but I'm 27!  ever since my friend told me (thanks, D) she would pull me over for drunk driving **disclaimer: it was the middle of day, and i was completely sober! i don't mess around with that crap**, i am uber aware, that i do, in fact drive like i've had a few.. or ten.

why sometimes, i feel my 11 month old nephew, just gets me, whereas to the rest of the spinning world, i am just a complete misunderstood mess.  cheers to the simplicity and honesty of childhood!

how the connection i share with my sisters can surpass time and space.  it's uncanny.

and this one has stumped me the longest:
why oh why don't they make orange flavored blow pops… hmm??

i'm super excited to see marie antionette-anyone seen it yet?

peace.
                                       

 i'm so tired:

tired of waiting for a call

tired of waiting for a truth

tired of waiting for them to see, to feel, to believe, to know

tired of waiting for this trial to end

tired of fighting myself

tired of this feeling so surreal and slow moving

tired of being so far from their smiles, thier innocence, them

tired of not being able to write, but being compelled to do so

tired of lacking the words

tired of being so driven but not able to see where

tired of myself

tired of my procrastination

tired of my lack of patience

tired of the mean thoughts I have about others

tired of back and forth, to and fro

tired of this tug of war that is a waging in my heart, my soul, my rationale

tired of all my good intentions

tired of my lack of effort to tackle the growing

tired of waiting for a sign, a reason, an answer

tired of knowing

tired of not being able to sleep through the night

tired of dreamless rest when sleep does find me

i'm really tired

strangers.     
looking back at all the signs, chance meetings and coincidences (see * 1) i've experienced, i realized that two of the most effective therapists in my life, once i accepted them as they were and stopped trying to alter them, have been: following the signs for my life, and talking to strangers.
focusing inside of myself, looking for answers within had served as an embargo to so many of the answers that were waiting at bay.   not that seeking answers within isn't important: it is.  but something was missing big time.  i knew i needed to try something different:    

Inquire Outside.         

let the learning begin.
feelings of clarity and peace, not of knowing things, but an innate sense of understanding and oneness.  all senses heightened, and a passion to experience new things, and visit abandoned desires.  lessons learned and words spoken from the unlikeliest of folks, and some may in fact think the same of me.  spirituality, not about finding a cookie cut definition for your beliefs… but rather finding it is relational, about meeting and connecting, lives colliding. 

the point.
so i write today, as i enjoy a season's end from my open window, to share my little slice of truth about strangers with you: unless you are seven and a strange man in a strange car is asking you if you want some candy, it is OKAY to talk to strangers (see *2).  so let us quit being afraid of each other...
let's really meet.

(*1) co·in·ci·dence: 2 : the occurrence of events that happen at the same time by accident but seem to have some connection; also : any of these occurrences

before this year, i had been only been to one wedding that wasn't a backyard deal (nothing wrong with backyard weddings by the way, just speculating)...  so the following account of events has been a significant (and happy) part of my summer!

two months, four weddings plus road trip.  three weeks, three weddings.  

rewind: july, a 15 hour drive up the coast to Rhode Island leading up to this day: beside the windmill on the green grassy hill, my mother wed her soul mate-how exciting i got to stand up as her maid of honor!  the wedding was simply amazing.  my favorite part though, was at the end of the reception when all who were left were close family, my sisters, my best friends, our dates, and my mom and new step dad… oh and did i mention lots of wine?  we danced, we snapped pictures, we hugged, we loved.  to my family and friends up in the OceanState, my heart misses your hearts!

fast forward: 15 hour drive back to Georgia, only to have three weddings, three saturdays in a row to attend!  wow!

Thee first of the culprits:  L and H, my friends from Cali.  triple hour drive to Macon, GA with one of my best friends in the world to spend time with friends and witness a joining… what a kick-off for The Month of Weddings!  to see some faces i've missed for close to three years, to share those moments with them, to eat and drink and dance and swim with old friends and new friends… how lucky are we to be able to make these connections in life and reconnections.  to my far away friends, my other family, i miss you!!  (ooo, and I caught the bouquet! *wink*)

Wedding # 2:  S and W, my Augusta friends.  an early evening affair, they wed in a park, in front of an old cabin style building, under a weeping willow tree with the sun perfectly perched above the cabin for the vows, before slipping away into dusk.  there were handheld fans passed out to keep the guests cool in the southern heat.  there were drums and a guitar for the aisle music.  there was a shotgun, though this was no shotgun wedding, just for giggles.  there was the mother of the bride, who serenaded her daughter with a childhood song, and the bride joined in.  following the ceremony, dining and dancing under the stars!  to my church family, i love you all, thank you for being here and now with me!  

Wedding # 3:  E and I, he was my boss first, now she is and they wed each other!   (also very much so i consider my friends, good people these two!)  A Greek wedding.  wow.  long.  very symbolic.  beautiful!  the cutest little flower girl you ever did see!  the reception tables were sprinkled with chocolates, that on the back of the wrappers said, "today i married my best friend".  the music played by the band was jazz-esque, and on breaks, music to the tunes of Frank Sinatra and Billie Holiday was played-dancing!!  there were many people from my job place present, which didn't make it the least bit uncomfortable.  everyone looked stunning, happy, and very relaxed.  what a grande time!!  to my fellow worker types, it was great to meet and connect with you on an outside level, what an awesome day.  i feel lucky to know you all! 

thank you!

currently listening to: the beach boys and you should be too!
currently reading: the life of pi

somewhere off Wimbish where movie script endings dwell...

love: yesterday, two people in love stood before a church of people: family and friends.  today, two people awoke to the sun sneaking peaks under the curtains greeting them as joined: husband and wife!  love.  sweet love.

people: standing at the cafe counter, using my pointer finger to scoop up the whipped cream that had escaped my latte cup, i noticed a small body to my right.  when i turned my head, at first is saw a pretty little girl- then my eyes moved down to her arm, glimpsing the knob on her elbow where the rest of her arm should have been.  i winced.  i hate that i have this reaction, how cruel am i?  what if she could see inside of me: my thoughts, my selfishness- would she wince? 

friends: they come, they go.  sometimes close friends become distant strangers; sometimes far strangers become near friends.  sometimes they let you down when you least expect it.  sometimes they stand by your side even when you haven't been such a good person.  i am learning to see people less for their actions, and more for their hearts.

life: i can't deny that today is significant.  today = all the days i have lived and yet to live.

somewhere off Wimbish where movie script beginnings are born...

currently listening too: Joshua Radin

Regarding spirituality:

Sometimes loud questions have silent answers.

After a long night of work and no sleep, I ran.  I wanted to stop so badly, my legs hurt.  but the whisper in my ear nagged:  your heart hurts, you aren't going to stop loving, are you?  You are tired and life has you feeling beat down, you aren't going to stop living are you?  NO.  My feet kept moving.

On the twenty minute ride to my home after my run, I passed buildings and cars and stores.  I felt like my head was about to explode, I needed to get them out- the pregnant thoughts growing in my brain.  At my right turn, I took a left, driving until there were no longer buildings, cars, phone reception, or paved roads.  Gripping the steering wheel, my foot on the gas pedal, my thoughts started to escape one by one into morning air of my open car windows; you could almost see them wispy and fog-like, seeping out from my mind:

Two years back a palm reader told me that I would live a long life, be fulfilled, and have a great love- but that love would also be a tragic love.  Does this mean love with another person?  Myself?  Humanity?  My God? 

Two weeks ago, I thought I lost a part of me.  I blamed you.  Today, I forgive you.  I forgive you because life is too short to be angry or hate. I forgive you because that is what Jesus would do.  I forgive you because I need to forgive you in order to forgive myself and move on.  I forgive you because harboring resentments will ultimately hinder a peaceful spirit and the flow of the universe.  I forgive you because I believe on the bridge that day I reached the part of you that still could be reached-it's not too late for you. 

Two days ago, a friend told me that there is a fine line between love and hate.  If you are feeling hate, perhaps it is because you still love.  When you are indifferent is when you know you've moved on.  I can see the logic to this, but I'm not sure I ever want to feel indifferent about anything that involves another person and possibly their salvation.  I hope I am never indifferent to anyone, even if there is some pain and naivety involved in believing in the goodness in people, I STILL BELIEVE.

Today, I drove very far away just so I could get out of my car, see no sign of urban life, hear only the birds sing and the slight whisper of breeze through the trees.  I came to this place of quiet so I could look up to the sky and scream, "WHY??"  as loud as I could, not to disturb the silence, not to hear my voice echo and answer me with a question?? but maybe through the tunnels of green, I would get the answer I came for?  Perhaps.

I opened my mouth to yell my damned question, but the words wouldn't come out. 

Not through the walls of leaves and bark did the reason come- but with the sudden breaking of a wall that had been built up high around my heart:

 I no longer needed to ask why.    

"HERE I AM," I yelled to the large expanse of blue and white above, "OKAY?" I cried out.

currently listening to:  enya

currently reading:  searching for god knows what

My sister, Coryell,  pointed out today that it is impossible for me to write an essay, blog or letter without it becoming  novelesque.  So she challenged me to a 7 sentence blog.  completely off the cuff, here goes:

 i live like a big kid but use big words such as clavicle and cholerically ... AND spellcheck!

ugliness is a state of mind, not a permanent condition.  Whew!

my favorite thing about the state i live in right now, is the marvelous crashing thunderstorms that visit year round.

i am wearing my coke bottles right now so i feel compelled to introduce you to the four-eyed smiley:

::)

enjoyment i find in breaking the rules of grammar, especially when i have anal-retentive friends who are grammar experts. 

Voila.  

Happy?