My most recent project, a collection of self-reflective essays, is now available for purchase.

It's titled Admission and is available only through Lulu.com, in print and as an electronic download.

http://www.lulu.com/content/2748124

I'll warn you that it's only 100 pages and is simply an expression of my current inner-workings.  It was a month-long project that served as my therapy in the weeks after I (voluntarily) left my job.

If you do decide to read it - thank you, and I hope you enjoy.

Nicole

Okay, so I didn't keep up with my blog after the first two and a half weeks.  It's because I was working on my next book.  It's nowhere near as intense as the last one, but it addresses some things I omitted from Figuring It Out, and it's kind of a snapshot of where I am right now in my life.

The new book is titled Admission, and it's basically a collection of self-reflective essays.  It should be available within the next two weeks.  I'll announce it here when it is.

The next thing I'm working on is another collection of (mostly) comedic essays (I hope) which I compiled a few years ago (before Figuring It Out) and distributed to a very small group of select friends and family.  That collection is called Whatever This Is, and it will be available to you with a new introduction, shortly after Admission.  I'll announce that here, too.

I hope you all are well.  Take care!

Nicole

gingeralehelps.blogspot.com

It's just about my life, nothing very revolutionary, but it's what I'm writing these days.

Just wanted to say thanks so much to those who have e-mailed me about the book.  It means a lot to know that you took the time to read it, and I appreciate that you reached out.

I'm happy to find that others relate to what I've written.  Common sense will tell you that there are a lot of us out there, but it's hard to feel until you actually experience it.

Thank you.  :-)

Meet Bianca Reagan.  You've never read anyone like her.

If I had to pitch this book, my logline would be: "'Steve the Penguin' is the literary companion to ABC's Ugly Betty."  That's a compliment.  Obviously.

What I think sets this book apart from most other contemporary literature of the same genre is point-of-view.  You might find witty dialogue elsewhere.  You might find tales of the willing peon struggling to make it in the cutthroat worlds of entertainment, publishing, fashion, or whatever the case may be.  But where will you find a book for young women that combines all of these things with a unique and intelligent central character, a sense of social and cultural awareness that transcends the everyday, and an acknowledgement of the challenges that real people face when starting out in the world?

Tales of the glamorous life abound.  Steve the Penguin is about what it's like to be on the fringes – learning what it takes to get there, and coming to the realization that it's just harder for some people than it is for others – mostly for reasons that are not in their power to change.  That you should persevere in the face of it, and that if no one else, Bianca would understand – is the gift that the author will give to the empowerment of young women as individuals and as a collective in today's progressive-but-still-not-quite-there-yet society.

Visit : SteveThePenguin.com

I used to spend a good part of my time thinking that being gay was just another unlucky thing that I happened to be stuck with.  I don't know if my opinion of that has changed entirely, but over the last couple of years, I've definitely gained some perspective.

On Sunday, I went to the premiere party for Season 5 of The L Word.  Let's just take a second to marvel over that unlikely phrase.  Season 5... of a lesbian-centric TV show.  Got that?  Ok.

So as I was standing there, in the middle of a party full of lesbians, watching the cast of the show take the stage, I thought - how am I here?  How did all these pieces align so that I would be at this event, basically celebrating something about myself that I had difficulty accepting for years?  In other words...  How lucky am I?

And how lucky was I to go with a date?  Granted, the thing with my date didn't end as well as I'd hoped.  In fact, I'm not going to see her again because I don't want to.  But I tried.  I joined Chemistry.com, and I asked.  Because I can do that.

I live in a day and age and place where I can do that.  And every once in awhile, there is a moment that makes me realize that sometimes, being unlucky leads me to feel like the luckiest person in the world.

Hi All,

Here's the latest review that was posted on Amazon, which reminds me - if you've read the book, please at least click the stars to rate it, and/or write a sentence or two to express your reaction to it.  You'll be helping other people decide to give the book a chance.  (Plus - I really, really appreciate it!)

http://www.amazon.com/Figuring-Out-N-S-B/dp/0979216303

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"For Everyone"

by Risa E. Walters

Most of us spend our lives "Figuring It Out," and the increasing, explosive popularity of personal "coming-to-gay" dramedy novels put to paper pushes writers towards more creative expressions of their plaque autobiography. When people think of David Sedaris the mind reflexively thinks of Augusten Burroughs, but few can think of popular lesbian authors read by straight people; I couldn't name one until I read NSB's book. Wouldn't a young, uncertain lesbian-to-admit teenager seek an atom-splitting resource of undine-like literature to provide guidance and certainty? The option would be optimal. What this novel asks of you is an open-mind, providing not only a teenage-to-womanhood, gay perspective but also lends all levels of innate sexuality to realize we're all people and with similar emotions about love – we're human.

Straight – that's me. Is it a preference, choice, or inherent? I have never questioned; I just know. So, why do lesbians and gays feel the impulse to express their lives in books, television shows and parades like freedom from a cage? Because society is unbalanced with respects to acceptance and accepting; it's a barrier preventing us from truly being free-loving people, a good reason we were created in the first place. What NSB does is welcome you into her childhood home, presents you raw to her thoughts and emotions without a backward reflection biased story; these are her words in the moment.

What I realized from reading the earlier years is I'm a lot like the author: I desired to be loved, didn't feel close to girls but had many boys as friends, and desired to be understood. Where we unfold is the later years, the uncouth teenage years leading to adult-hood. Although, unlike an opaque, fogged mirror on a winter morning after a warm-numbing shower, clarity is not revealed with time – it forgets it. The author strays from emotional depth and delves into aching, hyperactivity towards "coming out." A truthful and monumental climb for the author and the outcome is to be seen.

I went to college with the author, but I didn't "know." Now I understand her even more, but it's a Pandora's Box revealing a spirit of secretive matter. What I desired was a less fearful approach: How did she feel towards friends in college and after, especially the ones she was close (roommates, film buddies, work pals…)? The specificity lacks in relation to the desire to understand and know. The book tends to skate passively across the important moments, but the benefits arising from the possibilities of this piece overpower the former, even if but slightly.

This is the first echo heard by me of the lesbian voices shouting into the cave. It doesn't mean others haven't screamed their plight; it's just the first time I've listened. The book aims to attract the confused and transform the judgmental, bringing confidence to the fearful to express openly and understanding to ones of indifference. It should definitely be read by friends and parents of lesbians, and may prove a helpful turn-pager for those who feel "coming out" is demise.

---

Maybe not the bravest person alive, but getting there.

Last week, I decided that I really am going to make an effort to practice meeting people.  So I e-mailed an acquaintance I had hung out with a couple of times after meeting online just over a year ago.  I knew that she had found a girlfriend since then, so I decided to ask if she had any advice on what to do or places to start.  She said that aside from online dating, she had had luck at a get-together/mixer that was organized by a friend of hers.  In fact, over the past year, she had spent a lot of time with a group of people who had all met at one of these functions.  And then she invited me to a bonfire on Friday night to meet them.

So, in a decidedly uncharacteristic move to action, I went.  And I had a really good time.  And I decided that my focus right now should be just to practice meeting people.  It doesn't matter who they are; I just need to practice meeting people and having conversations that open the doors to discovering shared interests and things in common.  That's it.  I'm going to focus on the means and assume no end.

Anyway, I'm proud of myself.  Excited, too.

I've registered to walk in AIDS Walk Los Angeles on October 21st!

I'll be walking with Nicole Suell's team.  She runs the Coming Out Journals page - http://www.myspace.com/comingoutjournals - which is, obviously, very closely related in theme to what my page is.  So it's appropriate.

If you have the desire to donate, I would appreciate it very much.  Here's my AIDS Walk page:

http://aidswalklosangeles2007.kintera.org/nbautista

It's only 6 miles through West Hollywood, so the physical part will not be a stretch for me, but my act of courage is the fact that I'm walking with people whom I have not yet met - so I am getting out there and meeting people!  That is a step of a different kind.  :-)

It's been almost two years since I came out.  Sometimes, I forget what it was like to be in the closet.  That's a good thing for me, because we all deserve to forget what it was like to be in the closet...  But what about those who still are?

I live in Los Angeles, a city that makes the list of the top three places in the country where being gay isn't a big deal.  (The other two cities being New York and San Francisco.)

But is it really not a big deal, or is that just what we want to believe?  As a gay person, I want to believe it's not a big deal.  That thought lets me live my life and it gives me hope.  And I appreciate knowing that my being gay is not an issue in my friendships with straight people (who are, after all, just gay peole gone astray).

But I think, sometimes, amid the joy and relief of feeling that it isn't a big deal, we forget how hard it still is for some people to come out.  I argue that even in L.A., liberal as we claim to be, we will gaze just a little bit longer when we notice a same-sex couple in a public place.  And not everybody lives in L.A.  Not everybody has the support of a socially progressive and educated community.

So I cringe and I hesitate when presented with an opportunity to agree that it's "not a big deal."

It's not for me - anymore.  But it was.

And while suicide rates for gay teens are still high, and some adults need to hide parts of who they are in order to feel safe - it still is.