That's what happens when your used to working overnights and you find yourself spending the night at your parents house counting down the hours to an event you cannot control. I finally broke down today, something about driving through cornfields and blaring country music that always drops all my walls. My mom is so strong, I know that there is no way I will ever be half the woman she is, I have been blessed to have her as my role model. I remember when I was in college and she first got sick, I sat in this graveyard/grotto a the catholic church next to campus and spent hours in the middle of the night on my knees. There was just one special thing in my life I wanted my mom to be a part of before she died and God came through on His promise. Since that moment I've excepted that every other moment I have had with her is an extra blessing. I feel guilty that I can't pray for her when sh e needs it most, but I am to afraid of th answer I may recieve. I want to scream about how amazing she and how she doesn't deserve this but I know that so many other amazing people suffer to, why should my pleadings be heard over theirs. Shit, I'm crying, myspacing late at night can be dangerous! I am finally starting to realize that no matter how hard I try, there are two things I cannot control: love and death. And that is terrfying to me.
--Sent from my Helio

I've spent many hours this past week reflecting. It's odd, I find myself so tired, but sleep is elusive and most days I find myself laying in the sticky grass under the sunshine dissecting who I am and who I want to be.

Anyone who has ever made it past my walls knows how much I struggle with the idea of unconditional love and that I hate how dirty my heart usually is. I'm a fake. I project a heart of gold when all I have is perhaps some tarnished scraps where a heart should be.

I want to be:
kind and strong
intelligent and whimsical
empowered and beautiful (inside)

I want to break down the barriers of American culture that have so firmly locked me down. I want to feel free to believe my heart even if it's radical. I want people to see that you can be a feminist and beautiful; that you can be empowered and kind. But most of the time I just fail miserably at these things.

Anyway, back to reality. There are some people lately that it's been a challenge for me to be around and today I kind had an awakening of sorts (perhaps it was sunstroke, haha). I need to forgive every morning. I need wake up and give these people a new chance. I need to empathize from where they are coming from and put myself in their shoes. Do I need to be best friends with them, no. Do I need to trust them, no, I really don't think I do. Do I need to extend grace to them, yes. Do I need to at least love them for being human beings, yes. Do I need to at least see something good in them, yes. Because if I can't do these things for others, how can I ever think for a moment that I deserve the same treatment? And yet, I frequently find myself in place of self-righteous anger because they've treated me in the same fashion I've treated them.

Somehow, someday, I'm going to understand this love thing. It's so easy for me to love those on a global level who I feel have suffered injustice, it's so much harder for me love those I come into contact everyday.

Today's just been an "off" day: I slept to much, woke up sick, slept some more, woke up sick, couldn't fall back asleep. So here I am.  I've seen other people write down things they want to do during their life but I've never really done that before. Tonight I was laying in bed and I started to think of things in my life that I wish I had the courage, intelligance, daring, audacity, motivation to do. I got up and wrote them down. I started with 50 but I keep adding more, haha. Anyway, my list so far:

1. Run the Indy Mini-Marathon

2. Write a Non-fiction Book

3. Paint/Draw/Create a Picture of my Heart

4.  Teach a Yoga Class

5. Leave America (if only for a week, day, hour or forever)

6. Get matching M.A.C. Makeovers with my Mom

7. Dance Outside on a  Hot Summer Night in a Sparkly Red Dress

8. Work

9. Go a Month without Fast Food

10. Run Everyday for a Year

11. Take Art Classes

12. Learn a Foreign Language

13. Video Tape my Parents

14.  Write on my Walls with Paint

15.  Take my Dog to the Park everyday for a Week

16.  Keep my House Spotless for a Week

17.  Invite Friends over to my House even though it's not Perfect

18. Karaoke

19. Go a Day without Thinking I'm not Smart Enough to Achieve my Life Goals.

20. Speak out about Strokes in Women

21. Try to See Good even in People I Dislike

22.  Be  Happy in my Own Skin (instead of  only focusing on my flaws)

23. Be Part of Something Historic

24. Protest

25. Win over $50 Dollars from a Slot Machine (at one time)

26. Write Messages in Chalk on a Sidewalk

27. Realize that Crying does not make Me Weak.

28. Fall in Love with Myself and then Someone Else

29. Take a Beautiful Photo

30. Take Singing Lessons

31. Own a Red Umbrella

32. Donate Hair  to Locks of Love

33. Be Grateful instead of Jealous

34. Don't Lose Contact with Old Friends

35. Go to Bed at Normal Hour and Wake-Up to See the Sunrise

36. Do a Random Act of Kindness Everyday for a Month

37. Be a Salvation Bell Ringer at Christmas Time

38. Wear More Red

39.  Do all my Laundry and Put It ALL Away (I have 3-5 loads at any given time)

40. Buy Sexy Underwear Just for Me.

41. Sing More in the Shower

42. File my Taxes BEFORE the Deadline

43. Take a Math Class.

44. Go a Week Without Skipping a Meal

45. Become a Personal Trainer or Open my Own Gym

46. Pay all my Bills on Time for 6 months

47.  See the Vagina Monologues

48. Really Pray and See What Happens

49. Sit Outside During a Rain Storm

50. Spend Less, Save More.

51. Not Worry about How People Percieve Me

52. Not Hate that I look Young for My Age

53. Believe Someone when they Say I'm Beautiful

54. Go to New York

55. Not Obsess Over the Bump/Dent in my Nose (or that my Ears/Nose will Never Stop Growing)

56. Send a Secret to PostSecret.com

57. Attend a Legal Gay Marriage

58. Go a Week Without Being Online, Spend the Time Discovering New Things.

59. Explore Ancient Ruins

60. Spend More time with My Family

61. Travel Somewhere on a Moments Notice

62. Listen to Others more then I talk about Myself

63. Walk Under a Waterfall

64. Spend more Time Outside

65. Stop Avoiding Things that I can't do Perfectly.

66. Stick with something for at Least a Year before Losing Interest/Motivation

67. Make a Snowman (and color it with food coloring, pink of course!)

68. Learn to Salsa dance

69. Own a Dishwasher (either human or machine, haha)

70. Read a Book a Week for a Year

71. Visit a War Torn Country

72. Drink 8 Glasses of Water a Day for a Month!

73.  Start a Dream Journal (I remember almost all my dreams)

74. Get a Tattoo (my third), this time on my Lower Back.

75. Throw an Anniversery Party for my Parents

I wonder how long I need to keep pretending that I'm okay before I really believe it.  Truthfully, I'm not okay but I never want anyone to think I'm weak (including myself).  I've noticed when I make friends, I gravitate to people who are the same way as me, crazy how sophisticated our defense systems are. I wish my heart/brain/soul knew it was okay not only to cry at beautiful things, but at hard things as well, but I don't think I'll ever be able to over-ride that switch.  Most days I just sit here wondering if I'll ever be whole.

(now I've got that Bare Naked Ladies song in my head, haha).

Anyhow, I've now ran everyday for one week straight for a total of 10 miles. I know, I know, most avid runners do like 5-10 miles a day, but I'm just happy to be able to start again at all. Yesterday I did a 5k, and that was nice, especially since I already have two 5k races lined up for this spring.  I hope I can keep it up!

A friend sent me this link, it's so neat, it tells you how much food you can have for 200 calories, some of it is kind of crazy! The one that shocked me the most was BUTTER, that little bit is 200 calories, omg...when I cook I just take the stick of butter and start cutting chunks in, I'm in a bit of shock thinking of all the extra calories I probally add to my food when I cook! Here's the link http://www.wisegeek.com/what-does-200-calories-look-like.htm Happy looking :)

I really need to find something to do during the week, perhaps just a few days a week, a few hours a day, some kind of volunter work that I could do...I'm starting to go a little stir-crazy and I just miss my old life a lot lately. Today was a rough day over-all, I didn't feel very good, that run last night took a lot out of me, I hate that I have to take a whole day to recover from just one thing, blah.  Oh well, enough with the emo-ness, I know I still have a lot of things to be thankful for.

So, I love my new profile song...Matt White is amazing! I refresh my page just to listen to it, hahaha. It just makes me smile :)!

I'm doing better since my last post. I washed all my dishes today and actually got some stuff accomplished in the real world.  I also went to the eye doctor today and decided (again) on glasses, I got some really awesome red ones, I can't wait until they come in...and of course there will be photos . 

So far it's been 4 days into the new year and I've ran every day...tonight was a bit hard because I woke up from a nap at like 11:30pm and had to rush my ass to the gym (I'd of ran outside but it was raining). Jewely and I are going to run the Indy Mini 5k on May 6th, I ran it last year and it so much fun.  I'm also going to do either the St. Louis mini-marathon or 5k on April 15th...I really, really, really want to do a mini...but I don't think I'll be ready since I just started running again.  If I could do the mini in April then I know I'd be able to do the Chicago Marathon in October. But, I think I'm dreaming...at least for this year. 

Gah, I don't have anything else of interest to say, how sad is that? Usually I have some funny story to share...oh wait! I have one, hahaha!  Tonight at the gym there was THE HOTTEST maintance man I'd ever seen talking to the security guard. I usually don't check guys out but this one stopped me in my tracks! He had on a white wife beater and then over it, unbuttoned was a light blue collared work-shirt (that even had a patch with his name on it!), carpenter jeans worn out in all the right places, and the most amazing blue eyes. The perfect blend of model hotness and sexy grime.  So, anyway, I digress! The funny part is that when I saw him and stopped dead, I had my water bottle in my hand and for some reason I put it behind my back...well, I had forgot to close the lid all the way....and I TOTALLY spilled water all down the back of my butt, lmao, so then I had to walk past him to get out of the gym and I'm sure I gave  him a nice view of my wet ass! Gah. Haha.

 

 

The past few days have been crap, sigh.

I can't get on a normal sleep schedule, I'm craving lard-filled foods (pms, ftl) and just over-all haven't been feeling well. I get frustrated with myself pretty easily, I'm kind of a Type-A personality.  I can't stand not being perfect at everything...so when for whatever reason I don't get something done when I think it should of been done I get really upset with myself.  Like right now there are dishes in my sink, my house needs to be vacuumed and mopped and my bathrooms cleaned. It's driving me crazy that I haven't done these things! I feel like I can't call my irl friends to have them come over or make plans because my house isn't perfect. Sigh, of course thinking like that just leads to a lot of hurt friends when I blow them off. Gah, sometimes I hate my head, I wish I could just not be as uptight about some things (and yet other things I'm entirely too loose about!). 

I guess I  been taught that I should measure my worth based on how much I accomplish...and I feel that the past 6 months I haven't accomplished very much (I know, I know, there were "reasons" I haven't accomplished much, but making my brain believe that is a whole other blog).

Anyway, I'm going to sleep.

*Hugs*

So, even though I've gone to way to many years of college and plan to offically start my MSW in the summer...I really don't want to be a counselor for the rest of my life.  I like helping people and I want to keep learning how to best help people..but I don't want to use it in the traditional ways.  My secret desire?...is to either be a personal trainer or open my own gym, or both.  I want to take the what I've learned from counseling and apply it to helping people get healthier physically and emotionally, because I really believe the two go hand in hand. I love seeing people who aren't "perfect" busting their ass at the gym, it's awesome, I just want to tell them all that they are "teh Rock!".

For the past 6 months of my life I haven't been able to go to the gym for some health reasons and I've missed it so much. I just started back this week (umm, but don't tell my doctor!) because I just couldn't stand it anymore, I missed it so much. There is something so incrediable to know your pushing your body to the limit and that by doing that your changing it, transforming it. I was so worried I'd never be able to run again and I'll admit it's tough to see where I am now and where I used to be. I have all these dreams of running marathons and 1/2 marathons but I have to face that because of some health problems, I might never be able to achieve those goals.  I need to be more careful at the gym.  I know that if I don't want to get sicker I need to listen to my body and not my mind. 

Anyway, I posted a picture of me after my workout today, all sweaty and no make-up, haha. I'm sure you're all dying to see that.

And today starts "day one" of my "Streaking"...lets see if I actually make it two days in a row, laugh.  I might end up being the shortest streaker in history!

 

So...I hope everyone had a great Christmas...mine was good. I love my family (it's rare, I know) and spent Christmas Eve and Day with them.  They got me some great gifts, though all practical, hahaha!

Hmm. What else? I dripped wax on my hand in the middle of Mass and yelled "shit" when it was deathly quiet. It was nice though to see all the people I grew up with...though I'm a bit of snob so of course the first thing I do is check out if they look worse then last year and try and decide who looks better me or them. Sadness, haha.

Last night I went and saw Casino Royale, it was SO GOOD. I loved how the female lead was beautiful but in real way not in the "plastic" way of Bonds past. And Daniel Craig was a great actor, all in all, it was pleasant suprise.

Then today I went shopping with my mom (who has to be the coolest 71 y/o on the planet) and we got matching Gansta Hats (see my pics). So we spend the day trying too look bad-ass at the mall.  Plus, my mom has a handicap sticker, FTW, so we get close parking. My mom has a terminal illness and she still works two days a week, cooks, is on like every comittee at her church, and helps anyone she can, she is teh rock. She really is an amazing woman and so much fun! But, being old and sick, she's sometimes forgetful, haha, and so for Christmas this year she got me a blue robe...but the thing is last year she got me the EXACT same robe but in purple, lmao. So I kept trying to convince her to take back the robe and get me a pink DS...but she didn't think that was fair, haha. 

So now it's almost 1am and I really should drag my arse to the gym and go for a run. It's my goal this new year to become a 'streaker', which is a term for someone who runs everyday no matter what. I miss running, I haven't been able to run for a while because of some health problems, but I started back this week...though I run a bit gimpy now. Anyway, I'm in awe of the people who have 'streaked' for like years, can you imagine the dedication that takes? I want to have that kind of dedication in at least one part of my life, plus I really like running, so why not try it.