I want to eat a nice breakfast, drink good coffee. Stay there as long as our conversation lasts, tip big and go on a walk.
I want to go to camp Wente, live out of my bag and go hiking in all my down time, have my birthday on Wednesday, finish the kaliama in one day, be in charge of a horde of Timmys, make fun of kids with Paul, go kayaking, shoot a bow, make the wierd intellectual connections you make with random people there, know its fleeting and thats fine.
I want to be a part of something.
I want to be in San Francisco playing on elevators with Kim.
I want to be in Livermore building floats with Daniel in the daytime and adventuring in nighttime.
I want to be at donut wheel with Steven.
I want to be at Michael Sunshines house be playing Halo, not care that I suck at it and lose every game, and be full from tacos from consuelita.
I want to get extraordinary distances on public transportation by myself, with my ipod.
I want to go for a drive in Lucille with George having very little agenda.
I want to have goals.
I want to achieve my goals.
I want to go out on the boat with Kandy.
I want to go to SSP with Nancy and Bob, care so god damn much about whatever deck I’m building or something, play zoo, always wait to be last to clean up our plates. have good conversations. rejuvinate myself, give and receive awesome hugs from my Asbury family daily, drive the driving wheel, and get a blackberry milkshake in Covelo.
I want to ride the dryers.
I want to make art.
I want to be in Monterey with Bryce and Andy. And get clam chowder.
I want to be on on a long drive with my mom and listen to Hell Freezes over for the millionth time.
I want to be on a hitchhiking/train hopping adventure with Tim.
I want to be San Francisco and eat at a random Chinese food restaurant.
I want to make movies with the lost pirates.
I want to be sailing with Kyle and have him tell me what to do. Then capsize the boat.
I want to be wine tasting with my family get drunk and buy an expensive painting.
I want to go to a party and hang out with Nick outside smoking cigarettes.
I want to have a dog and have it come camping with me.
I want to wake up early whilst camping and go swimming in the river/lake.
I want to have a dance party with Maggie, Leslie, and Cassandra.
I want to stay inside and marathon watch TV.
I want to tech and have people like Terri and Nick in my ear.
I want to watch movies with Dustin and listen to his lengthly rant about them.
I want to be working at East Avenue Services. Filling propane, driving rental cars around, ordering pizzas on Saturdays, going to Dandy Dogs, making copies of my face, and playing tetris.
I want to have a bonfire.
I want to drink with my friends until the sun comes up.
I want to succeed.
I want to be well read.
I want to take pictures of you and me.
I want to be surrounded by hills again.
I want to be cast.
I want bad things to happen to me sometimes.
I want to sit at donut king for hours with Bryce.
I want to go night swimming.
I want to be drinking beer and playing wii with Matt and Adie.
I want to be sitting in the school parking lot with Ryan, drink a 40 and go do some improv.
I want to pour the milk in my tea.
I want to not have to try as hard as I do.
I want to be eating tapas and gossip with Kelsey.
I want to burn a piano.
I want to go to the movies all day.
I want to be in Disneyland. bad.
I want to care less about what you think.
I want to bake bread at Steven’s house and play smash brothers while were waiting.
I want to have a barbecue at the river with everyone.
I want to carve things.
I want your respect.
I want to be better than you.
I want to move to the mountains and be one of those people who carves wooden bears and totems.
I want to be a weatherman.
I want to be Robin Hood.
I want to be kayaking by myself.
I want to be a hermit again.
I want to be an uncle(someday.),the fun uncle who takes you too the zoo and lets you drink beer when your 15.
I want to get high and play guitar and sing songs in Santa Cruz.
I want to drunkenly sing "In Ohio on Some Steps" by Limbeck with Nick and Michael.
I want to climb a really tall tree.
I want to have sex.
I want to jump into water from a high distance.
I want to meet new people.
I want to get out of Sacramento.
I want to get out of this country.
I want to live in Scotland and a start a new.
I want to be done.
I want to be your friend.
I want to not to be jealous of you.
I want to be noticed.
I want to have money.
I want money not to matter to me.
I want to wear a cowboy hat everywhere.
I want to have a traveling acting and improv troupe with my friends.
I want an excuse to get dressed up without feeling like an asshole.
I want to own a house.
I want to save my family.
I want to let my demons conquer me.
I want to take a pill right now, but I’m not.
I want to be famous on the internet.
I want to drink champagne for days.
I want to sit on an overpass with James.
I want to eat taquitos with Colton.
I want to leave a legacy.
I want to be recognized for talents that I have.
I want to be an old man.
I want to die at 27.
I want to be a street performer.
I want to move on.
I want it to be Christmas and for me to have a big house which everyone comes and stays at, make cookies, decorate, reconnect, and be joyous.
I want to wear ridiculous sunglasses.
I want to cover everyones bill when we go out to eat.
I want to throw a huge fuckin party.
I want to make banana pancakes the morning after.
I want to go to the grand canyon.
I want to be a director.
I want to play human chess.
I want to be in a romantic relationship.
I want to have traditions.
I want to be a mascot again, be under those lights on the football field, paint my face, and be responsible for spirit and cheering.
I want to win popularity contests.
I want there to be a lightning storm and be stuck somewhere unfortunate with a few close friends and watch it anxiously.
I want to have the power to freeze time.
I want to ride my bike.
I want to get a motorcycle.
I want to not be bitter about anything.
I want to, after I’m successful, go back to people who have wronged me so they can feel stupid.
I want to live a life without mirrors.
I want to scheme, plan, and pull off elaborate ridiculous pranks.
I want to be governor of California.
I want to do most my shopping at farmers markets.
I want to sleep soundly and at regular hours. daily.
I want to be in second grade and have my dad pick me up from school on his motorcycle infront of everyone.
I want to be rich without feeling guilty about it.
I want to be white water rafting.
I want to feel like have done something worth my time and tangible.
I want to do something I can be proud of.
I want to be proud of myself right now.
I want to belong.
I want to burn maps.
I want to know.
I want.

Starting to get back into the swing of things, and yet spring break next week. "oh i cant wait for spring break, right?" yeah not so much. I just got back into routine after taking a bunch of time off. its odd, but i totally don’t need the break.

so I have been going through a lot lately, I will sum it up to say that I hate 2008. its been one thing after another after another. Murphy’s law seems to have found us. Whether it be something as simple as technology continuing to fail me or something as extreme as the loss of a friend. Now, I know that several of these things are now so meaningless comparatively, but damn its just a snowball effect. I find myself continuing to say the phrase "this is the last thing I need".

Now we last left off here.
everything has changed quite a bit since then, recent events(big and small) have changed my attitude. Sometimes making me cynical and bitter and some making me humble and appreciative. I have been making changes, more extreme then before. Its seeing how pointless some things are. Its seeing a shallowness in everything(yes, I said shallowness) and its figuring out what is actually important.

I have done away with some things and restrained from some other things.

I have developed a disinterest in people as a whole(not individuals in most cases mind you). mostly I have learned to be appreciative of myself and time to myself. Because in the end of the day, its me. I have only myself.I love my friends, please don’t misunderstand that. And I have grown very close to a number of people through this. This has also been a test though. And I have seen people’s true colors, and some people’s false colors.

I have been on prescription pain meds lately, which has a tendency to put me in a cloud where I just sort of float through the day and tasks. I know I didn’t always need them. And now I haven’t had any for like 5 days, and I can think clearly.

As I said, I have noticed the shallowness in a lot of things. Yes, I realize I am quite superficial. But breaking your tooth and arm does not do wonders for anyones self esteem. I don’t claim to be above all this now. But what I am saying is that people’s shallowness does astound me now that I have a slight perspective. Were fake guys. A lot of us. Most all the time. This is why I haven’t felt the need to hang out every single day, go to every party, carry on some pointless conversations, or just plain talk to people I don’t really like. That was is totally me, I totally need to know everyone and be in good graces and have whatever gossip is going around, and I need you to think I’m cool. Thats what I’m good at. Not much else. A lifestyle like that has not only proved fruitless but pointless and tiring. I’m done mostly, and don’t worry theres already people filling the void. Again, I do not pretend to be above it, I am in it. I’m narrating. Everything we do, we do to benefit us somehow.

Figuring out whats important has been hard while being generally unmotivated. I don’t know what i want to do. I’m trying to figure out whats not important foremost.

I have too much time on my hands, I had to drop a class(which I am not happy about), and for reasons that are beyond my control I have nothing to do with the current production at my school. Which sucks, cause all my friends are in it, and I was prepared. Sometimes Most the time, shit like this happens. So none of this was in my plans. I need a job, I need to be in a play. And I need money pretty badly right now.

I really want to leave Sacramento. "but Devin you’ve been saying that for the better part of three years" yeah I know, and some progress has been made. And I have made tentative plans to get out of here after fall, i hope this is still possible. I keep getting drawn back to wanting to stay, but for stupid reasons. I need to get out on my own for my well being.

I post this with extreme hesitation. I haven’t to talk about things like this in public forums for sake of seeming to seek attention, and for myself making sure I wasn’t posting it for attention. This has been a annoyance of mine lately. I HATE the way people gravitate toward tragedy and want to be a part of it, and be closer to the action. Its a fucking pissing contest in who’s more affected. fine you win, your the saddest. sorry.

after getting my wisdom teeth out and a few days of having cheeks reminisant of hurley on lost. I don’t know why I did this while I was already depressed. It was awful. And I was basically on an all liquid diet for a week. and even before that Ive been losing weight. I just haven’t had the appetite.

I have started riding my bike again. after a year hiatus. I need exercise, I need not waste gas, I need the meditation.(thats mediTation, not mediCation)


I have lost sight of goals. I just sort of get by on a day to day basis. this needs to be rectified.

There is a lack of art in my life.


I need to see some old friends soon.


thats plenty.


peace.

im up and down.

mostly down


my attitude and feelings are not congruent with life as it should be.

i find my salvation.


I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.


i need to go back, i know that


I don't know that this is temporary.





im just lost

So things generally suck right now on all plains. First of all I'm still fucking broken, secondly I am toothless (which is... well, costly to fix), and I'm poor (because I don't have a job, but i was planning on getting one over break, but now, well...). I probably like my pain killers more than i should, but I've been on a lot of meds lately. And generally being holed up in my house and not being able to drive or get out much just gets you depressed. Oh and on the relationship front, well I'm single again... I'll leave it at that. I've just been in a bad place lately, inside and out. Worse than its been in a long time.

so shit sucks right now.
but I'm weathering it.

but, this has giving me a whole lot of thinking time. and I've been thinking devin oughta have a new plan about him. I have some thoughts. part of it is taking things more seriously, part of it is taking things a whole lot less seriously. Its just time for a new outlook and plan of attack on life.

I am so glad this happened now rather any other time, i have time to recover before school. And I will come into this semester fresh and ready.

I shudder to say that on some level this ordeal is good for me. Knock me down. humble myself. be forced to look at myself and change. give me motivation.



thats what I gotta tell myself atleast.

So this is christmas.

typical things happen, cookies are made, ornaments are hung, and a christmas story is on tv. just like any other. this year its small, its quaint, just jenny, kyle and my mom, thats how i like it though. Except this year, im not really feeling christmas. I know people say that a lot, and hell I probably say it at least once every year. but not usually on christmas eve.

first of all, since I don't have a job I couldn't very well get people presents. I make very little money from babysitting, and that usually just covers my gas and feeding myself, and I feel like an asshole spending money on myself even for eating recently. Now I know my family doesn't expect to get anything from me. Which doesn't make me feel any better, I've been that guy for too long.

and I know it's christmas is commercialized and lost all meaning, and in that sense I really hate it. But I love christmas more than I can really say, its pointless joy, people do nice things for one another and are cheery because of a social norm, thats awesome. I'm happy people put lights on their houses, thats absolutely ridiculous. Christmas makes people happy, so leave it alone.

This year me and my mom mom were really ill prepared for it, like we got our tree yesterday/ I put my lights up like three days ago but I was never able to get new fuses so they don't work :-(, and like lights used to be my thing, I love putting up christmas lights. so this year, its just kinda happening.



a few days ago I wrote a huge blog updating on my life but myspace went wak and erased it.

I would reupdate now, but I took sleeping pills and intend on sleeping....

peace

and happy christmas

So its the week after Wizard of Oz opened, and now I have to remember that I am still taking classes and actually concentrate on them, and generally catch up on life.

its been a crazy few weeks, first of all it was my birthday, and then I had a crazy party... good times. And then I have been focusing on Wizard of Oz alot, whether it be set building or rehearsal. and then on top of that I usually always hang out with my friends from the cast afterwards.

and now my schedule is mostly clear, I at least dont have rehearsals.

lately there has been a lot of... bad energy around some areas of my life and around some people, and these things happen. People grow apart, it seems pretty mutual. I'm not blaming anyone, its just as much me. But regardless of my feelings and actions as of late, i still think this sucks, and even though this is probably best, i dunno. most of you can disregard this section.

_______-is it all that fleeting? ive been told that it is. And Ive seen people who dont need it all that much, and generally see it as a waste of time. that has never been the case with me and it seems my nature to do the exact opposite. but the fact is I like it. but there are times when I feel that yeah I am wasting time. and perhaps I need to change some things about myself to be successful. And maybe I should cut out some of the non-meaningful parts.(this probably isnt what you think it is)

My role in life is Shawn Hunter(you should be able to figure out why). Time and again, and I don't even get the sweet perks of being Shawn.



Amended 10/24
lately, and in the last year entirely, I have made huge changes in my life. and I've changed alot about myself, in theory. But the more things change the more things stay the same. And it seems like no matter what I do I get myself back into familiar situations and comfortable surroundings. So basically I have grown up a little(maybe) and I have seemingly been doing better. But I feel like I do this sorta thing a lot, and I feel the same as I always have, so have I changed at all? Have I learned a damn thing? I'm not so sure.

October is my favorite time of year.



anyways, Im off to bed. something else I need to catch up on.

peace

so i just turned 20 yesterday, no longer a teenager. and i have a lot of anxiety about it actually. I cant pinpoint why, but, ugh.

i feel old, im sorry if that offends you, but its the case

i had a really good birthday though, woke up to eggs benedict, went to classes, had a genuinely pleasant day, went to rehearsal then had a few people over for a bonfire. which was awesome, i do love my friends.

I have been doing some thinking about myself lately. recently someone was talking about people who were fake and was going around saying who they thought were real and fake, and they said i was fake which isnt what surprised me, what surprised me is that i absolutely knew they were going to say that. which make me wonder why do i think people think im fake? is it because i am? am i? if i have to question it, isnt that my answer? i dont know. im confused

i hate that i have to think about things half as much as i do.

goddamn cant shit like this work out for me sometimes, atleast...like ever. its my fault.


i am just warn out, and im sensitive stupid, and i get hurt over nothing, and the stupidest shit bothers me, you dont even know.


i just need sleep, ill be back to normal soon. maybe. whatever that is.

peace

its just one of those days when you hate yourself. which yeah, i have.

I feel like im juggling too many people. Im really not saying this is a bad thing, its just tiring. I have alot of people i need to keep up with and alot of people that know me and i know well. and to maintain good friendships its key to keep up with them and maybe actually see them.

im a libra. and i am too god damn indecisive about everything. i have to think about some choices way too much and then i end up with neither option.

Im tired of c-o-n-v-os, and w-a-l-ks. and goss and secrets, and lying, and too much talking and speculating about nothing.(im fully aware that i do all these things, regardless, im really tired of this, how immature are we? I hope to rectify this to a large extent)

Im just begining to feel the negative effects of what i have created for myself. its my bed and i am lying in it.(i spelt lying correctly btw)

im just confused overall

i have to go back.

dissregard most of this, its just the mood.

so heres whats up

im taking 22 units... :ballet(im kinda enjoying it, its gonna help me alot i think actually), math 120(its never been my subject, but nonetheless, needs to get done), stagecraft(^_^), english 301(same teacher i had for 300,its not too bad at all), directing(^_^, i really dig it so far. favorite class), and wizard of oz...

im in two plays..

The Patriot Act: The Trial of George W. Bush.... its at california stage and running through oct 7th fri-sat 8pm sundays 2pm.... its ridiculous, and not a play really. its a mock trial and obviously biased politically trife... but if you can get past that, it CAN be good, but that depends on the audience really. because it involve audience participation. and Im a plant in the audience who appears to be a audience witness. tickets are kinda expensive ($19, $15 for students....) and it is interesting if you have a wealth of knowledge on the subject. so I am not expecting you all to come to this.
and..

wizard of oz: at American River College(my school), im in the ensemble (crow, flying monkey[and i have 3 lines!]) and it opens october 19th, and its in our lovely newly renovated theatre. Ive been spending alot of time rehearsing for this, and you should come to this. it may be pretty good actually. although contrary to popular belief and much to my dismay, we will not have actualy flying in the show(boooooo), and that sucks, cause i was totally going to fly(whatever the opposite of this face is ^_^...v_v... no thats not right... >_<... close enough.) so thats too bad. But rehearsal is really fun, And i really like the cast, i feel like i havent gotten to know, or hardly even met alot of them, its a huge cast.


and good news, project dufflebag has plans to have a show soon. hiatus over. details to come.

Ive been meeting alot of new people lately, and trying to get to know them. but also trying to keep up with old friends.

alot of my "old friends" have gone their seperate ways. as we do, we dont see each other as often as i would like, but i know they are doing good and they are doing whats best.

I think sometimes that i am too immersed in "the scene", and that its not neccesery, after all i really didnt originally plan on having many friends here or spending much time in sac, but then again i didnt plan on acting either, plans changed, whatevs. but having no friends here didnt work for me either. I do need people... but perhaps i gossip too much and bullshit with too many fake people too often i suppose. that is not helping.

i know what im good at, and its hard to make a living doing it.

i know what im bad at, and its hard to have a fufillling life without it

so I am doing well. Ill survive.

Directed by Pamela Downs

THE CAST:
Jamie Hawkins - Ashlie Chimero
Long John Silver - Dustin Wayne York
Red the Pirate Queen - Lauren Nardozzi
Captain Smollet - Joe Wilkenson
Billy Bones / Sailor Dan - Devin Ritchie
Crossbun / Miss Hawkins - Hannah Hoffman
Pew / Cabin Boy / Pirate - Leigha Baskerville
Cabin Boy - Anna Russell-Medonia
Benn Gunn - Zoe Garcia

so come see it, please. msg me for more deets