I understand the natural inclination towards organization inherent in civilized society, but I think we've finally lost our goddamn minds. I love to watch the news, and to a fault I watch at least an hour or so daily. I also love the idea of sport hunting silly people, not out of spite, but just for a goof. And let me tell you something friends I've got the perfect group of giggle bunnies for the task. Life coaches represent the ultimate in goofiness (That word should be spelled with a "Y", It looks too legit). I'm ashamed to say that as I was getting my news fix today, I happened across a special interest piece on holiday shopping. The guest anchor/expert/whatever, was a life coach from LA named_____licker, and I can see why. The shameful part is that I watched this train wreck go down, and after the fear and madness that followed I grabbed mournfully for any football I could find. You know, save myself from the paranoia and heart attack that would surely follow. Before I go any further let me tell you exactly what the life coach does; "_____licker, I'm having a difficult week at work, whatshouldIdooo?" So the life coach says "Figure it out yourself!". They Don't even make you do bear crawls, or run laps or anything. Stupid I say, but in the words of a great man,"who's the bigger fool, the fool or the fool who follows him." So now we have doubled the team size for our new game. What kind of desperation do you feel to pay Pat from SNL to tell you something a grown person should already know. If you've got the money to pay for such a service, you're doin' OK sport. Meanwhile back at the ranch, I can't find one decent game on (I could have watched the Papajohn's.com bowl but even as I write this I feel a ravenous hunger which prohibits me from marching into that trap. Pizza is too expensive!) so I was screwed. I thought to myself a violent animal like myself needs a good ol' fashioned dose of horrifying mania. Lets give some of our best sport hunters and Ted Nugent a chance to showcase their skills.
This shit is silly, and I'm already bored with it, so let me address a point I made in my most recent BLOG. I ended with the quote "Jesus hates bald pussy". Now I don't really think that he hates "bald pussy" I just think he finds it too be a point of competition. The golden calf looks an awful lot like Samson got his revenge in the shower. So don't fear my right-wingish friends, the next time you find yourself alone with a beautiful siren who looks like she is channeling the vagina of an infant, embrace it. Damn, I should be a life coach, but something tells me you already knew that.
BEEF

Well guys, it seems that we have reached the end of this horrific year called 2007, and as the song goes Christmas time is here. Christmas is a time for reflection and resolution on the trials to come (Especially since most of us will have no memory of New Years), and I hate to tell you this but 08' will be quite the test for us mortals. So as you sit down to eat your delicious turkeys and potato feasts ask your self, "Sweet Jesus, where did we put the shotguns?" The only freedom we have left is the right to blow huge holes in the gangs of wandering perverts roving the streets, searching for tender young drummers to sodomize. I can feel the hot breath of your scepticism, but you'll all take me seriously when you see Neil Pert in a wheel chair. In 2008 we will have the awful task of electing another president to lead us into a new decade of America, we will have to defend our land from the "lame duck" monster still at the wheel, some of us will have to care for our children, some of us will need moneys, and some of you, I'm sorry to say, will die. So to make life easier here's your 2008 survival guide.

1: Get familiar with speed- Your mind processes Information at something like 10,000 words per minute. (Footnote: all statistics herein are half-assed, and should be treated as such) Your computer moves information exponentialy faster, something like 1000000000 words per minute, so I recomend making up the difference by doing your heavy thinking in an American muscle car with beaded seat covers doing around 120 mph on the freeway. "My god, where will this line of thinking lead us?" I'll tell you. Right where you ought to be. Perhaps the only hope we have for the future is long, wide Autobahns filled with trans-ams moving at speeds only Top gun pilots know. Cars filled with a new race of philosophers making important decisions surrounded by the prospect of instant death. "What do I want for dinner?" Fast mother-fucking food is what you need.

2: Don't cry over spilled milk. Weep like a man.- In 2007 they lied to us (footnote: "They" is a generic term for the ruling class of politicians, pundits, heirisses and assholes to whom we give our undying allegience) , just like in 06, and 05 and so on. The only difference between 07 and the rest
is that they are no longer afraid of lies. They tell us the world is only 6000 years old and oh my goodness, one quarter of us believe it. So its officialy time to get it on with the truth. We have to pick some new asshole to lead us and although we have new choices (IE a woman, a black man, a Mormon, Fred Thompson) Its really kinda the same as always. I present you now with electoral cliff's notes.
Fred Thompson- Idiot
Mitt Romney- Mormon
Mike Huckabee- Creationist
Rudy Juliani- Yankee
Hillary Clinton- Huge balls
Barrak Obama- Nice guy
John Edwards- Unionist
Joe Bidden- Junk yard dog
Al Gore- tree hugging bastard (For not running these fucks into the ground)
So remember its time to stop crying and start weeping for this country, unless you live in Iowa or New Hampshire, then I would consider moving to Bali.

3: I resolve that resolutions are for pusseys- Now, anyone who knows me knows that I'm kinda fat. So the logical thing to do as the new year draws nigh' is to say, "Dammit Beef, you chubby so and so, get out there and run!" but I will not, and neither should you. I will not quit smoking, I will not lose weight, and I will not give a shit about it. (But why?) I'll tell you why, God hates a quitter! When this life ends do you want to stand in front of the pearly gates and hear the almighty
platypus in the sky tell you that you never fulfilled one promise to yourself, that you are an underachieving piece of carbon, that you couldn't find a salad. In a world full of salad I eat bacon, and I will clear out the buffets of gods own resort casino, never wondering if there's enough general Tso's Chicken to go around and he will love me for it. Be yourself in 08, don't change what
makes you, you. Remember "Jesus Hates Bald pussy"

So I'm tired of typing and I'm sure you're tired of reading. Good luck everyone, and Godbless.
BEEF

Time, always on my mind......

Its amazing how stress can wreck your week. Here at the Revolution (Our house and Laboratory) we have dealt with unemployment, death and the IRS this week. Shitty huh? Now, as one of the last Beefs left in the wild, I can find no precedent for many of my woes and no peers to assist me so I've developed a system for handling hard times.
1. Find an oasis
There are many times during the course of your day when many of life's evils are incapable of reaching you. For example, say you've got to eat some shit (Not actual shit but some sort of food). You can say, "Awe man I got my arm stuck in this tractor. Well cant do anything about that now! I'm gonna grub." Or if you've got to drop a funky deuce. You can take that time and reflect on how you have to chill out. Even the president can say, "Hold on Mr. Prime Minister of Albania, we're gonna have to put this nuclear crisis on hold. I've gotta drop a bomb myself."
2. Don't be scared to let it out
One thing the discovery channel has taught me is that apes have the right idea. They get pissed off, they bang their chest, and they jump around like crazy bastards. Right on. When I get overwhelmed I just pull up a bunch of grass, lift some heavy object and yell at a photo of Dick Cheney. If you happen to actually have Dick Cheney present, refrain from yelling. Our studies have shown that he may shoot at you.In the end, the combination of exhaustion and the realization of how ridiculous you look will brighten your day.
3. Take out a globe and hit yourself in the face with Africa
No matter how hard you hit yourself its not as bad as what they have to go through over there. Ebola is a son of a bitch.
So if you follow these simple easy steps you can defeat stress before it defeats you. Remember the words of the Dali Llama.
"If there is a problem and it has a solution, you can fix it so why worry
If there is a problem and it has no solution, You cant fix it so why worry"
Thanks for your attention friends. Love to all of you.
BEEF

    Check out our article in the Fort Worth Weekly. Go to  www.fwweekly.com and click on music.  Thanks to all our fans, music venues, and especially Caroline Collier for writing about the Villains. Hope to see yall soon.
Villain Vanguard