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Thoma is Da best

Last Updated: 11/23/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: In a Relationship
Age: 99
Sign: Pisces

City: Little Rock
State: Arkansas
Country: US

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August 23, 2008 - Saturday

Lemon Demon - The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny
Current mood:

weird
Category: Music

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwBK31tC5QM

heh..... Just like Abraham Lincoln!

10:10 PM

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July 9, 2008 - Wednesday

a year later
Current mood:

angsty
Category: Life

Ok, so here it is, one year - give or take a few days - of the death of my father. All I can do is lay in bed every night, sleepless with the same ol' scenerios running through my mind.
First - I can hear my mother's voice saying, "I love you." and "We just want the best for you. We want you to have what we didn't." Yes, typical things for a parent to say.
And another, "You mean the world to me, you were wanted for a long time." Something that most of us hear at one time in our lives.
Then this one, "Because I/we said so." Ahh that one we hear a lot as a teen.

Next, after a few minutes of mental pictures of those thoughts, my mind flips to my dad.
".....could you fix me a drink?" "... my sheets need washing, could you do that before you go (insert location here)" "If you buy this house from me, then I can get *** what she really wants" Things that you'd not think typical of a parent of his 28 year old daughter.
Flash back to age 12... "You cannot play with her anymore because I didn't like the way her dad hugged her." (about my best friend at the time after an awards ceremony for girl scouts)
And age 14... "You shouldn't play with her anymore, why don't you find some new girlfriends from school. (read: well off and high profile)
Flash back to age 6..."No, you cannot go swimming with those kids (a black girl at the swimming pool) any more. We'll find somewhere else for you to swim."
Flash forward to my mid teens..."We sent you to PA so that you wouldn't have to be exposed to that (social and racial diversity...ie: less advantaged and/or of differing races)

Notice anything there? Yep.. I do..

And as the more fresh memories flood my brain, I can't help but to think about where someone said the picture that was in the funeral pamphlet came from. A photo of my dad with some kid he tutored for a few months that was affixed to his refrigerator in his apartment.
Wanna know when the last time he had a photo of me ANYWHERE in the house was..... Ummm, yeah, I cannot think of a time. Mom kept a school photo of me in her purse. I think the last one was in the 8th or 9th grade. I hear that he found such joy in helping those who were disadvantaged. Where was this guy when I grew up?
I drove up to the place where they're going to have the estate sale, and saw my entire childhood with little white tags.. all over the place. How did that make me feel? Loved, no... provided for, no... I felt like one of those puppies that are on the commericals for the ASPCA. You know, the beat up, neglected "throw away" dogs? Yeah, that was how I felt.

And I cannot get the words out of my head that the church said to me, on our first meeting at the funeral parlor.."Your dad was so hurt by you." No joke... not an "I'm sorry for your loss" or "let's pray with you" not even an introduction of who they were. Yes, I'm sure that those words would be the Christian thing to say to an only child who lost their parent.... *sigh*

I got the picture loud and clear over the past 12 months. All I'm worth is $10. TEN LOUSY DOLLARS.

No one remembers or cares to remember me now that the coals have cooled. All those people who came up to me and said that they were so sorry and that they wanted to share stories with me... nothing. All the church members that shook my hand that day never once offered a kind word... nothing.
So nothing is what I'm left with of my childhood.
Nothing to remember Christmases by
Nothing to remember cooking Thanksgiving dinner with my mom
Nothing to remember how dear my great grandmother, Mary Bea and Carl Schroeder, or even how dear I was to my parents
Not one thing can I hold on to and have a memory of
Nothing.....

So I asked Jesse the other day, "Why did you (do you) love me?"
And his answer, as mushy as it seems, was that I was a light spirit, angellic, and always am a positive person. My question that I ask myself all the time is "Why could my father not see it? What could I have done to get acceptance from that man? and Why do I let him set my life worth at $10?"

3:30 PM

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July 4, 2008 - Friday

D&D 4th Edition: Tiefling & the Gnome
Current mood:

dorky

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UqFPujRZWo

Teh gnome makes a wicked monster! Too bad, we all loved the gnome!

12:05 AM

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March 15, 2008 - Saturday

Is there more to life?
Current mood:

thoughtful

Ok... So blogging is not my thing, I really never know what to say, and if anyone out there is really interested in what /I/ have to say.

I’m a big believer in fate. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason, right? So, what does it mean when the thoughts from your past bring up emotions so strong that you feel like it just happened yesterday? You know, when you smell chocolate chip cookies baking, it reminds you of making cookies with your best friend and eathing them till you feel sick, or when the sounds from a windchime make you think of hanging out at your best guy friend’s house in his mom’s hottub, while you get buzzed on cheap booze?

I seem to always get in these contemplative moods where I start thinking of people in my past that my have not always been a "forever", but I start wondering what was and what could have been.
I ran across a photo of someone today that made me really sad. Not sad for me, but sad for them. Sad in that they may have not found what they are needing for in life. Sad that I don’t talk to them any more. Sad that I want so bad to say "let’s put the past behind us" and "tell me what’s on your mind!"

I wonder if fate has it in her plans that two people who could be such great buddies but aren’t will never be again? What is it in my plan that would not only make me think about this person, but not only that, then to run across a picture?

Does spam email from friends count for fate like little calling cards, or is it just the mindset of the world today? Can two people who would never EVER make it outside the professional relationship phase of life ever really be real friends? Will Thoma EVER MAKE ANY SENSE???? (haha)

What is there to life other than getting up, going to work, enriching the lives of 6 year olds, and going to bed just to do it all again? Have I missed my calling? What else is out there that I cannot see? Who have I looked over in life that I’m not seeing? I don’t know, but maybe fate will show me the way.

Currently listening:
Tranceport
By Paul Oakenfold
Release date: 03 November, 1998

10:50 PM

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July 1, 2007 - Sunday

I'm a wolf! (always thought I was a rat...)
Current mood:

tired
Category: Quiz/Survey

You scored as Wolf, You're intelligent and you believe that groups is the best way to go...

Wolf

94%

Bear

75%

Hawk

75%

Monkey

56%

What sort of animal would you be?
created with QuizFarm.com

4:53 AM

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June 30, 2007 - Saturday

Best, Worst, Last, First, Today, Tomorrow, Favorites, Currently, and True & False.
Current mood:

blah

Best, Worst, Last, First, Today, Tomorrow, Favorites, Currently, and True & False.

b e s t
1. Male friend: Jesse
2. Female friend: Brandi
3. Vacation: Either New Orleans, or Walt Disney World

w o r s t
1. Time of day: Getting up in the mornings
2. Day of the week: Monday
3. Food: Grapes
4. Memory: Loosing my mom

l a s t
1. Person you saw: Jesse
2. Talked to on the phone: Chinese delivery place
3. Hugged: Prior to Jesse, the rats
4. Text: Never do it

t o d a y
1. What are you doing now: Trying to decide whether to wake up, or go back to sleep
2. Wearing: Wouldn't you like to know? hahha
3. Better than yesterday? I sure hope so!

t o m o r r o w
1. Is: a busy day
2. Got any plans: go to gym, clean pets, go to movie&dinner
3. Goal: see above!
4. Dislikes about tomorrow: It just means Monday is one day closer

f a v o r i t e
1. Number: 3
2. Song: Do I hafta pick just one?...
3. Color: Blue.
4. Season: Winter or Spring.

c u r r e n t l y
1. Missing someone: not really
2. Mood: Sleepy
3. Wanting: to get a massage
___________________________________________________

True or False

I am a cuddler- True
I am a morning person- False
I am a perfectionist- True
I am an only child- Ture
I am currently in my pajamas- False
I am currently pregnant- False
I am currently suffering from a broken heart- False
I am left handed- False
I am addicted to my myspace- False
I am online 24/7, even as an away message- Mostly True
I am very shy around the opposite gender - False
I bite my nails- True
I can be paranoid at times- True
I enjoy country music- Sometimes
I enjoy jazz music- True
I enjoy smoothies- Depends...
I enjoy talking on the phone- False
I have a cell phone- True
I have a hard time paying attention at school- True
I have a hidden talent- True
I have a lot to learn- True
I have a tendency to fall for the "wrong" guy/girl- Survey says: true!
I have all my grandparents- False, I never knew them
I have at least one brother and/or sister-False
I have been told that I am smart- True
I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor- True
I have broken a bone- True, 2 bones really
I have bathed someone- True
I have changed a diaper- True
I have changed a lot over the past year- True
I have done something illegal- True
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color- False
I have had major/minor surgery- True
I have killed another person? OMG>>>FALSE
I have had my hair cut within the last week- False

12:57 PM

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June 13, 2007 - Wednesday

Which Zodiac Sign Would You Be Most Compatible With?

Which Zodiac Sign Would You Be Most Compatible With?

Cancer
It looks like a Cancer may be the one for you!

Love-Friendship Quizzes

2:26 PM

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June 12, 2007 - Tuesday

love and life
Current mood:

contemplative

So, my first real blog...
Here goes...

You’re 5 years old, and you say the little poem, "I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight..." and you make your wish, right????

    So, when you are a little girl, growing up to be a not-so-little girl, and you wish upon a star, some wish for love and money, some for fame, and some wish for a mansion.
    I just wished and wished for someone to accept me for who I am and love me for, well, just me.
    It’s like when you are 6 or 7 years old and have your "first crush". Mine was probably like every other puppy love. It lasted about half a day. By recess time, we were history. I really still liked him, you know, "liked him, liked him". But I digress...
    So life goes on, middle school, high school and as a teenager, I had another real love. Probably the first guy that I told I loved him. We dated probably 7 or 8 months, I gave him my virginity all to end up that I was not "his type". I cried, moped, wallowed in self pity, but hey, I was 17 or so, I could move on.
    I was young, fun, blah, blah, blah. So I got into hanging with a bunch of stoners and skaters, I felt like I was just one of the guys. I made one great friend out of the whole lot, but all that I kept thinking about was wishing on that proverbial star. Wishing and wishing for a smart guy that did not play games, someone to accept me "as-is" flaws and all. Not some snotty, stuck up dumb-ass prep like many of the other people that I went to school with.
I dated, I did. All I did was find TONS of guys that were the polar opposite of what I wanted. Users, cheaters, assholes, total mental cases, yadda, yadda, yadda. So life goes on, right?

So, after a month of dating this one guy, I accept a proposal to marry and I knew the day that I married him, that it was a big mistake. (isn’t a 4 month engagement long enough?

)
    I thought I could make a change in his life. He was a sweet guy, well, sometimes, when he was not making me feel like a child, saying hateful things, or sticking a gun in his mouth because his brother molested him, or, or...whatever... I stuck with it FEELING MISERABLE for two years. I was in my mid 20s, still kind of young, Mom was getting sick, cancer... and sicker, it spread... and I wanted so bad to give her what she wanted, which was a grandchild. Thankfully for the child that never was... well, it NEVER was. Sadly, I lost my mom, but I’m grateful that we never did have a child. Within a few months, I made plans and left my husband of 2 years and 4 days. It was over before it ever began, really. I married for all the wrong reasons. (move out of parents house, try to find who i really was, see what it was really like in the "real" world, la, la, la, la) It ended amicably, I suppose. Looking back on it all today, 10 years later, I can honestly say I didn’t know who I was, what I thought I wanted, and we were both probably naieve to the world...

    So, life goes on, right? I’m still wishing on that star, "Please, show me someone who will accept and love me for who I really am, PLEASE. I just want to find someone that will accept me for taking 3 showers a day, for having jacked up toenails, for being fat, someone smart and caring and for him to have enough patience for the both of us, ’cause lord knows I have NO patience."
I searched the internet, yes, I DID! And my star finally answered...

So, in my late 20’s....I find this guy, kind of geeky, very handsome, different (which is good). He’s got a sexy voice, kind, flirty eyes and dimples to die for! And you know what? He accepts me for who I really am. Lucky for me, he doesn’t like waif-like women. He’s smart, effing smart, more so than I... I’m thinking I’m too lucky. Just when I thought to myself, I said, "Thoma, you’re not going to fall for him. He’s just what you want, you’re not that lucky."

I fell...

It took me about 3 or 4 months to allow myself to tell him how I felt about him. I wanted to make sure, damn sure that I understood my feelings, and it was from both my brain and my heart. So... probably a year later, I asked him to not only move in, but I proposed to him...

He makes me feel safe, and secure, someone that I can count on to allow me to be me. Someone that challenges me, and makes me look at things from a different perspective. I think to myself, he’s the best of what I admired in everyone I’d ever dated.

So, we get older, our interests change. I’m still in love with this man, but for some reason, he’s so aloof sometimes....he withdraws into his mind. I’m left out of this little fantasy world. I just want into there, to see what it is that makes him tick. What is it about me that I’m not doing that made us so in love just a few years before? (a good person looks to his/herself before pointing blame) I just don’t know.

I just don’t know what to do. This man that I’m so in love with is growing more and more distant. Is it another woman, the computer, alien life that has infiltrated his uber-complex brain stem? Is this what life is really like? Is this what love turns into as we approach our mid-life crisis time?

NO.. my parents, how strange and twisted they were ... they were in love for nearly 30 years. His grandmother and her husband, in the silver of their lives, are so in love. My neighbors, who are also in the sunset of their lives, have been in love for 50 years! How can the last 7 years of life pass by and the past 7 years of love waned between us?

We were not meant to be alone in life. I’m not the most religious type, but God, the goddess, or all the gods, would not have placed male and female in this world without the purpose of us finding our mate... our soul mate.

The thought of living my life without him, my soul mate TERRIFIES me. I won’t be able to live alone, I will not live alone. Yes, I may have friends>> NO>> associates, but he is my best friend, my soul mate, the reason I’ve stayed sane for the last 7 years. I will pull up all my strength to save our marriage. I will not give up. I may be 35, fat, sometimes cranky, sometimes lazy, but always spry in mind. He says we’re in different places, but it would be dull and monotonous if we always did the same things at the same time. I’ve grown to love our hobbies, and I think we understand each other. Really understand....

Now, today, when I wish upon that star, I’m wishing, "please do not take away the love of my life. I’ve wanted long and worked hard for us."

    Well, I’m getting older. I knew first hand what it was like to have older parents. My mom was 50 when I was a pre-teen. I saw both of them age right before my eyes. I would not wish that upon any child. My goals in life have changed, more so in the past 5 or 6 months. My genetic lines have gotten thinner and thinner as the generations unfold. It’s time for an extinction of my lines. I’ve swam against the current of my original ideals of what a family really is. It wasn’t until recently that I realized what I wanted out of life.. Family and love. Jesse is not just my best friend, he’s my family. His mom is now my mom and his nana is my nana.
    Through all this deep thought tonight, I’ve realized that it is the knock-down horrible "punched in the gut" times that makes us appreciate the good times. I see him once again in the light that I previously did before, and I hope that he will really give us an honest try. I at least deserve that... right?

1:03 AM

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June 4, 2007 - Monday

Aaarrgh! I'm a piRATe!
Current mood:

geeky
Category: Quiz/Survey

You scored as Captain Jack Sparrow, Roguish,quick-witted, and incredibly lucky, Jack Sparrow is a pirate who sometimes ends up being a hero, against his better judgement. Captain Jack looks out for #1, but he can be counted on (usually) to do the right thing. He has an incredibly persuasive tongue, a mind that borders on genius or insanity, and an incredible talent for getting into trouble and getting out of it. Maybe its brains, maybe its genius, or maybe its just plain luck. Or maybe a mixture of all three.

Captain Jack Sparrow

71%

James Bond, Agent 007

67%

William Wallace

63%

Batman, the Dark Knight

63%

The Amazing Spider-Man

58%

Lara Croft

58%