I had a lot of trouble with Midwives throughout my pregnancy, I saw the women that caused me the most trouble in the laundrette a couple of days ago and it dredged up some feelings/memories. I realized that I still hadn't written a birth story for Ezriel which is something that i had wanted/still want to do.

I wrote this as a post on a UC forum a couple of months back. I edited it a bit and it will do for now...fortunately Ezriel isn't as impressed about myspace as the rest of us and wont let me sit still for 2mins:)

'From as soon as I got pregnant (I did a home test but was pretty certain anyway) I felt that it was my job to give birth to the baby and to make sure I had a healthy pregnancy. For me that didn't include reading up on birth etc loads just eating right exercising and keeping a positive attitude.

The reason I went to see the midwife at first was basically cause to get the healthy start tokens (then 2.80 a week for fruit veg and milk) you had to get a midwife's signature-this might seem a bit pathetic but and extra couple of bags of organic salad a week really helped us out as Michael and I are both on benefits.

I made an appt, got the forms signed, she gave me a quick check over but couldn't really check much as I must've only been about a month along. She asked me to make another appt in 4wks so I did just thinking that I would decide at the time whether to go or not. I went the to the appt and again she asked the same thing but when I was due to go see her this time, all day morning sickness had set in and we were due to move in a week or two so i was pretty stressed and tired and didn't feel like going so I skipped that appmnt.

We moved and I was still having REALLY bad nausea all day (seriously I was only eating one apple a day or some dried fruit) and had lost a load of weight but I knew it was something I just had to get through myself. We got what looked like a standard letter through the post from my gp (forwarded from our old address) asking me to make an apmnt with the midwife but I just left it, didn't feel like I needed it, or up to listening to anyone else telling me I was anaemic (I'm vegan and have a naturally pale complexion, I knew I was just normal).

Sure enough after about 4mnths I was feeling stronger and eating loads more when I was making lunch one day I turned round to find the midwife standing behind me! Michael had let her up at the bottom door (we live in a small block of flats) not being sure who it was as 'I want to see linden' was all she said, (he thought it might've been my mum) and she had just barged straight past him when she got up through our front door and into the kitchen! Not very professional or polite.

I was I bit surprised/shocked to see her there in my home standing behind me while I was in the middle of putting lunch out so I just looked at her and waited for her to explain herself. The first thing she said was 'Where have you been Linden, I've been looking all over for you? I've had to be quite a detective to find you.' in the most patronizing trying to intimidate voice ever. I didn't understand what she meant at first and then realized it was cause we had moved. 'I've been calling round and phoning you and I just couldn't get in touch. If you can't make regular antenatal appmnts then how do I know you're going to be fit to raise a child?'  I really didn't think that was a nice thing to say at all and told her that I didn't appreciate her speaking to me so patronizingly and explained how I had just moved and been feeling ill and didn't realize I was obliged to make appmnts if I didn't want to. She came back and said ' so just because I'm a midwife I'm being patronizing?' I told her no way it way it was just the way she was speaking to me.

She went on almost hysterically for the next 10mins saying how shed had such a job to find me I wasn't being responsible etc. I kept quiet and let her calm down. She gave me a check over and asked whether I had thought about the birth (of course not!?), I said that I wanted a homebirth and asked her about doulas in the area, she snapped back that they were illegal and I just let it drop. She made an appmnt fo for me at the clinic in 3weeks time.

I went to the appmnt cause it seemed like too much stress not to. went to another and got an appmnt for another. When that one came up I had an awful flu like cold and wasn't up to it so cancelled and made one for as soon as possible which was a couple of weeks later, when that came up my Michael couldn't make it and i didn't fancy going it alone with her so again cancelled and got one for as soon as possible which was two weeks later again.

The next thing I know we have a letter through the post saying that we had been referred to social services through my lack of interest in the welfare of my unborn child, plans of having an unassisted birth and concerns that I was being 'controlled' by Michael!!

Michael rang the midwife up straight away to find out what the hell was going on. He told her that we had missed the two appmnts for legitimate reasons and asking her where she had got the idea that we were planning a UC birth and that he was controlling me. She wouldnt explain her self and told us to wait and see what social services thought of the situation and made arrangements to come round and speak to us.

We then rang social services and they made arrangements to see us-on the same day as the midwife actually just a little earlier.

They came round and I think they were a little shocked to see us with a clean and tidy home with plenty of books, baby gear and an obvious strong loving relationship. They seemed to be expecting to meet two alcoholics living in a drug den. They seemed really understanding of the missed appointments though, and had no idea where the midwife had gotten the idea that we were planning an uc birth or that my partner was controlling. They said to us because we had been referred that we would have to have a core assessment for an hour a week for the next seven weeks to see whether or not we should stay on the child abuse register. They had already had a meeting with two policemen and would find out before the next meeting where the midwife had got her ideas from.

So as soon as they left the midwife came, this time she had brought another we had never met with her. I felt really nervous for some reason so I just kept my head down. She started asking how it had gone with social services and seemed very smug. Michael told her it went fine and asked her why she thought he was controlling me. She wouldnt say at first and then when she noticed I hadn't said a word since she came she jumped on it and said it was because I was unresponsive to her. This really wound me up because it was a complete lie, I spoke to her the most at the appmnts (I remember moaning to my Michael to speak more at the appmnts lol) and the last time I had seen her I had been arguing with her. I told her this and asked how I had been unresponsive and she said I was being so before when she came in and when I said yes that was because she made me nervous she told me that she didn't believe me, even when I offered to her to check my pulse and feel my sweaty palms.

When we asked why she thought I was planning an unassisted birth she said that I had told her the last time we had met. I honestly didn't say that whatsoever, the closest thing I can think of was asking her about a doula.

She just said it was her word against mine and when my Michael pushed it further she turned round and said 'I don't have to explain myself to you Michael'.

So that left us with the problem about the appmnts which when we explained how we had missed them for legitimate reasons and made the soonest appmnts we could get she told us the she had had at least one free appmnt every week. We asked her how we could've done more than ask the receptionist for the soonest appmnt possible and she said we'd just have to agree to disagree.

When the discussion had moved on to how and where I was going to have the birth I asked her about something, I cant remember what, but she had turned round and said in a really high and mighty manner, 'Well Linden if you had made the effort to attend your antenatal appmnts, you would know.'

This absolutely infuriated me as I had explained why I had missed the appmnts and also because she had just closed on the subject with lets agree to disagree and there she was making snidey comments.

So at that point I kind've lost it and told her to leave our home, now! And she was really taken aback I don't think she was used to not being top dog especially not to someone at least half her age.

As she was going I asked the other women if she could get us another midwife and we saw her from then on. She was fine though we were still saying that we had no intention of having a uc.

So we just had to deal with social services which wasn't too bad just very frustrating especially as I was so far along by that point, I think I had about3/4weeks to go). It turned out that the first midwife had been speaking to my mother when she had been trying to find our new address, my mum hates Michael and had told the midwife about how he stops me from seeing her-which is completely untrue ( I decided to stop going round to see her not long into the pregnancy as I just didn't need the stress).

So we had things pretty much sorted, the only problem now was that we had been swearing blind we weren't planning an unassisted birth just in case they tried to prosecute Michael (however unlikely) and also because you don't have to break the law for social services to deem you unfit parents. Previously we had planned to just do an 'oops came too quick' but we thought that would seem pretty obvious now but when it came to the birth we had no other choice.

I did labour and give birth unassisted though slightly more alone than planned (Michael kept falling asleep). We decided to ring midwife before placenta came and say that Michael  was downstairs working on our van and that Ezriel had already come when he came back up.

When she got here her attitude was not 'well done you're a strong woman' but 'oh you poor thing' but I guess I expected as much. What I didn't expect was for her to turn around and tell me that there was no way I could then deliver the placenta myself as my cervix would have closed (after 1.5hrs-BS!?) and if I didn't let her try and remove it now I would most likely have to go into hospital, theatre! Now just the thought of theatre and utter loss of control made me close up and retreat mentally so I'm pretty sure I did it physically too.

I just I should have just remained strong and focused but I was feeling pretty exhausted.

So I let her/gave in to her and she pulled out what looked like a pair of scissors I immediately told her to stop as we had been planning a lotus birth, she told me they were just clamps and then tried pulling on the cord to no avail only succeeding in virtually severing the cord. It had stopped pulsing by this time so I said she might as well cut it- another thing which upset me as if anyone was going to cut it it would have been my partner or I.

Then what I had been so adamant wouldn't happen happened, she called an ambulance and they took me to hospital. I was lifted into the ambulance off it and onto the bed despite me telling them I wanted to walk to get the placenta moving.

When I got there the first thing they did was to insert a catheter but I knew it wouldn't do anything as I hadn't drank all night. Then when that didn't work as I told them It wouldn't, the only option as they saw it was to pump me full of drugs and try yanking it out or for me to go into theatre.

I definitely wasn't going into theatre or having any drugs, painkillers or otherwise so I ended up with them pulling it out manually whilst I was pushing and screaming: it was so painful. But I eventually did it. The placenta was whisked away and I never saw it again

They gave me back Ezriel who had been sitting alone in an incubator while Michael held my hand and left me there with the catheter in for at least 4 hours while they were waiting for blood tests to come back(they had took some because I was even more pale than usual-I had just given birth?!-they came back with higher iron levels than the average person).

When they came back they started with the whole rhogam anti d thing but I was just too out of it to know any more than I didn't want any injections going anywhere near me unless I knew exactly what was in them. They said we could research it when we got back but it would have to be given within the next 72 hrs if I wanted it. I didn't have it as we don't even know Michaels blood type and if it's meant to be that we don't have any more kids its meant to be, I still need to research it now does anyone have any good info/links about it?

We then had to wait until someone could collect the car seat and give us a lift back from the hospital. Michaels brother and gf did which was very kind but then when we got back they stayed for what felt like hours-I just wanted to get a shower and chill out in bed with Ezriel and Michael.:(

So, not exactly as expected but I managed the birth unassisted and lived through the trauma with the placenta with the most amazing baby boy to show for it!'

It upsets me that I spend most of the time talking about all the problems I had with the medical services instead of talking about the birth process and how I feel about that.

I think it's going to be U.P all the way for me next time...