Anarchy Comedy Night at The Grog Shop!

So I guess I am trying to make a run of this stand-up comedy thing, which is not going all that badly, it seems - at least in my simple "Forrest Gump" estimation.

I had a good friend over tonight, who is the official "marketing director" of Pop Culture Planet.  My little company basically comprises my "clueless" friends (and myself) who are trying to get my little Steve Jobs-less enterprise launched.

This friend I speak of is basically a genius in the world of business.  He has literally launched satellites into space.  He started with nothing from an old abandoned drive-thru beverage company in Euclid, Ohio - and built it into a worldwide telecommunications empire, which is nice.  And, I guess, in the grand scheme of things - I should be flattered and thankful he thinks so much of me.

Like Princess Leia to Jabba the Hutt: "We have ...powerful friends.  Ugh!" (Let it be known, I'd rather be thought of as Han Solo in this twisted equation. True dat!)

But, when it comes to downloading my stand-up comedy routines onto MySpace - well, like Professor Plum, he does not have a clue.  I cannot bash him for that however, because he has been kind enough to follow me around the Great Lakes region to film me blabbering on-and-on about things like "ShamWow!"

ShamWow! - The miracle cloth that soaks up everything ...except my interest.  ShamWow! - The revolutionary new rag that can hold up to 20 times it's own weight in liquid (Big deal!  I can do that with beer on any given Saturday night!).  ShamWow! - The latest and greatest towel with a lifetime guarantee so you'll never have to spend $20 a month on paper towels again!  (What?  Am I Warren Buffett-?  Who spends $20 a month on freaking paper towels?!?)

And I'm not totally sold on his camera-work either.  Which, quite frankly, is as shaky as a Patterson-Bigfoot film shot out in the Seattle woods after indulging in a case of Colt 45.  Hey, this isn't Cloverfield, bi-yatch!  Hold that camera steady, my brother!

We'll get there, I guess.  Eventually.

I've got a lot of great ideas in the meantime.  But, again, we'll see where it goes.

I also should let it be know that I am not the Gollum of comedy.  I am not snarling away like like self-serving Tolkien-creation, grasping on to my fabled ring, hunched over on some rock in a cave, hissing: "My precious-ous-us...  I will protects you-us-us from the evil Hobbits-us  ...they know nothing of our love for each other... My precious-ous-us!"  Hey, I am pro-Frodo all the way!

Nope, I am happy to work with anybody!  But, truth be told, I am also a little standoffish, as well.  But that doesn't mean I intend to bite off your finger in the meantime, Shire folk!  Just keep your hands away from my buffalo wings, okay?

Here's the thing:  I've got a lot of terrific options out in the universe (cough) - and I would like to fully capitalize on each and every one (before I fall flatly on my face).  And, hey, maybe that means Hollywood - or something beyond.  But I just don't want to end up like Pretty Woman - turning tricks in the meantime and eating fruit slices out of the Happy Hour bar in order to survive another day in L.A.!  Standing out on the corner of Wilshire Boulevard, while wearing my Grady Sizemore jersey with a sign that reads: "Will Snark for Food!"

I'd sure like to think I'm that good - but, realistically, maybe I'm not.  Who can say?  I may end up hunting a disgruntled Sasquatch out in the Pacific Northwest for some basic cable program that thrives on viewers not entirely enthralled with Jerry Springer - and wind up being it's unappreciated "love slave" by the time this sordid story is done!  Maybe I should pack some protection along with my infra-red night-vision goggles, eh?  Just to be safe...

On the next Springer: "Sasquatches and The Delusional Down-on-Their-Luck Comedians Who Love Them!  Let's bring out our guests, shall we...?"

Whatever the case, I'm just enjoying the ride.  And if I end up being some unwilling male prostitute on Sunset Blvd. because of my "delusions" - well, I guess a fella could do worse during these tough economic times ...right?  Yeah, maybe not.

I just hate the bland and cold. Five months of winter, to me, is just a complete waste of time.  And after football season is over ...forget about it!

Like ShamWow! or the Pet Rock or Sea Monkeys, I am not totally sold on this blog post.  But I am trapped inside my fortress like Heat Miser on a cold, winter day, so I feel like writing.  I think I need an agent. Take it for what it's worth...

ERIC:  "He doesn't need me that much."

ARI GOLD:  "Of course he doesn't need you. You're fucking worthless. I could get a million morons to come in here and do the job. That's not the point."

ERIC:  "Then what is the point, Ari?"

ARI GOLD:  "The point is that he is an insecure fuck, like all beautiful-but-handed-everything-on-a-silver-platter people. He doesn't trust anyone in this world but you. You've been born into royalty, baby. You know it.  Now, you just gotta be thankful and wear the crown!"

This blog (like my comedy career) may self-destruct in 5 seconds...

VINCENT CHASE:  "Besides the fact the L.A. Times compared me to Terrell Owens, I'm doing great."

E:  "You hear that, Ari?"

ARI GOLD:  "The Eagles got rid of T.O. and look where they landed. Aquaman 2 is going to make Speed 2 look like Citizen fucking Kane!"