Book of the Drunkard

The 10 Commandments

1. Thou Shalt Refuse No Alcohol For Which Thou Hath Not Paid For Thineself

2. Thou Shalt Receive Immediate Forgiveness For All Transgressions Which, Due to Alcohol Imbidement, Cannot Be Recalled

3. Thou Shalt Keep Holy The Happy Hour

4. Thou Shalt Not Harbor Sobriety In The Presence Of George

5. Thou Shalt Not Leave Any Beverage Undrunk Or Partially Drunken

6. Thou Shalt Not Offer Shirley Temples, Roy Rogers, Mocktails, Or Any Other Alcoholic Forgery to Anyone, Least Of All George

7. Thou Shalt Not Steal Thy Bar Neighbor's Drink

8. Thou Shalt Not Call Before Noon, Any Of Thy Brothers Celebrating A Holy Day Of Recovery

9. Thou Shalt Always Honor The Providers Of Thy Alcohol

10. It Matters Not What Form Of Booze Thou Intake, Except That Thou Partake Of It Often

11. Thou Shalt Forget These Commandments After The Seventh Or Eighth Drink

Church of the Drunkard

Minister Baptism Ceremony

An individual deemed worthy by the Apostles or their direct ministers, may be chosen to partake of the baptism ceremony. If an individual considers themselves worthy of becoming a minister in the Enlightened Order Of Intoxication And Alcoholic Imbidement In Hopes That The Drunk May One Day Rule The World, and have not been approached by the Apostles, that individual may express interest by buying a drink for the Apostles.

Once an individual has been chosen for baptism, the presiding Apostle must perform the following ceremony and speak the following words.

"Let it be known that on this day, you, (name) have publicly declared to forever cast aside your sobriety in favor of divine intoxication. You have chosen to join the eternal family of the boozehounds, the winos, the drunks, the lushes, and those perpetually three sheets to a very ill wind. From now until you depart from this world in a tragic and hilarious act of drunken heriosm, every drunk is your brother, the winos your uncles, the lushes your sisters (except those you wish to partake of). You here forth declare to be one with the booze, and let the booze empower you to be a greater person than you once were. Now, drink of the holy vessels."

The chosen one then must partake of each of the 4 sacred drinks: The Pint, The Cocktail, The Martini, and the beloved Shot. It matters not which order the drinks are partaken, except that the five children of alcohol be included. The five children are as follows: Gin, Rum, Vodka, Tequila, and the Ill-Tempered Whiskey. Once the sacred drinks are drunken, the presiding Apostle must speak these words and the the chosen one must take the vows.

"Do you hereby vow to partake of the alcohol whenever you have a chance (and sometimes when you don't? Do you promise to love, honor, and cherish alcohol as long as you are not dead from liver failure? Will you encourage and promote alcohol to people of all ages, races, and sexes? Finally, do you have the desire, nay, the intestinal fortitude, to buy the Apostles a drink? Then, by the power vested in my by the Enlightened Order Of Intoxication And Alcoholic Imbidement In Hopes That The Drunk May One Day Rule The World, and by George the Messiah, I hereby proclaim you a minister of the Church of the Drunkard. May your Pint never be empty!"

THE APOSTLES

First of all, there is only room for 4 Apostles in the church. One for each realm. Pints, Shots, Martinis, and Cocktails. As of right now, there is already an Apostle for Pints and Martinis. And the Apostle of Shots is forthcoming this June. Below, you will see the other options open to you and the various apostle ceremonies.

All of the Apostles must first partake of the minister ceremony. After that, each must prove their dedication to their chosen realm.


Pints - The Apostle of pints, in addition to brewing their own beer, must partake of a stout, porter, amber, pilsner, blonde, hef, a pale, an IPA, in addition to a pint of their home-brewed beer. Finally, the apostle must partake of a glass of guinness consisting only of the ass of 12 guinnesses from the bottle.

Shots - The Apostle of shots must partake of 10 shots, one of each of the 5 core spirits, then 5 more church-inspired mixes.

Martinis - The Apostle of martinis must proceed to make and consume "the Perfect Martini" as described in the March 03 issue of Modern Drunkard Magazine. After this, he must imbibe a gin martini and a manhattan. Then the presiding apostles will consult the bartender's bible and use divine inspiration to determine the other 6 martinis.

Cocktails - The Apostle of cocktails must invent 5 cocktails of their own and partake of them. This is to occur after the first 5 are consumed. The first 5 cocktails are to be purchased at a pub where the bartender will randomly choose them.


It should be noted that each Apostle may recuit up to 3 Bishops to aide him in church matters when the other apostles are not present. Bishops must partake of both the minister and apostle ceremonies.

Church of the Drunkard

Creation and God

In the beginning, there was no booze. And God was bored. Sitting in the dark with his friend, George, God said. "Hey, turn on the lights." And George did. And it was good. Then God went to the fridge, opened it, and said "Let there be beer." And there was beer. And it was very, very good. God, George, and the angels then through a keg party that forever changed the universe. The next day, while nursing a hangover, God decided to pile all the garbage into a large ball. Rather than lift the ball into the trash, He covered it with dirt, so his mother wouldn't know. God called the trash ball, Earth, which means "Trash Ball." And it was not-so-good, but cool enough to be tolerated. Besides, God had a hangover.
Later, as the hangover was wearing off, God had a good idea. He called George over and the two of them got drunk and made funny-looking creatures to live on the trash ball and help it decompose, for the Earth was starting to smell. God and George named the creatures "Humans" which means "Dude." God laughed at this.
One day, while having a party, God saw the humans and felt sorry for them. He invited them over to his house and said, "Do what you want, just stay out of my beer." The humans agreed and tried to enjoy the party. But being sober at a party is not any fun, so the humans disobeyed God and drank his beer. The beer made the humans horny, so they went to God's room and started rampantly fornicating. When God walked in and saw the humans fornicating, he screamed "Ah! My Eyes!!!" God then cast the humans out and set out to invent something stronger than beer to help Him forget what He had seen. Thus God made Whiskey. And it was awesome.
A few years later, God looked back in on Earth and saw the humans were bored and whining. The male human begged God for some more of the precious beer so that the female might become attractive again, so that the species would not fade away. God took pity on the man, for the female was indeed, quite ugly, especially in the morning. God gave the man some of His cheap, fizzy yellow beer to make the man be quiet.
But the man, it turns out, is quite crafty when he focuses on something. The man analyzed the beer, and deciphered how to produce his own. God was pleased with man's dedication to beer.

God and the Prophet

600 years later, God returned from his 200 year bender in the Gradius Nebula at O'malley's Pub when he noticed something rather peculiar. All of mankind was busy drinking the cheap fizzy yellow beer God had bestowed upon them, and were fornicating with great fury. Except for one man. Patrick Kelly. Patrick spent his time examining the beer God had provided. Patrick was trying to decifer its mysteries and how to obtain the drunken effects of the beer, but to make it taste good enough to drink it more often. God was pleased with Patrick and decided to help him. So God sent his friend George to the earth to help Patrick in his endeavors.

George and Patrick worked together for many years. They created many fine beers. The blonde, the amber, the porter, the pilsner, the IPA and the stout. They were a great success. These new beers were craved by all in the world. They had to hire more and more people to work in the brewerys to produce beers. Yet Patrick and George did not find happiness through their endevors. When they started they were hailed as gods among men, but as the years wore on, jelous kings reduced George Patrick and their band of brewmasters to little more than slaves. One day, while sampling a batch of their newest creation, the wheat beer, George said unto Patrick. "We should get the fuck out of here and go somewhere else." Patrick asked him where they should go and George said we will go to the promised land. A place were we can truely be guided to make the best beer ever. And Patrick said to the jelous kings, "Let my people go!" The kings said, "What people?" Patrick said, "You know, the drunks. Let the drunks go!"

At first the kings refused. Without the drunks that worked at the breweries the people would have to go back to drinking fizzy yellow beers. Patrick and George dumped vats of beer into the rivers and they ran with booze. Again Patrick said "Let the drunks go!" The king still refused. They got all the pack animals in the village drunk and they ran rampant through the villages. Patrick said "Let the drunks go!" The kings simply put up with these minor pranks in exchange for the good beer that they produced.

Then one night, George told all the drunks to pour a beer out on their front porch. The drunks were reluctant at first, but eventually they agreed to pour a beer out on the front porch of their houses. That night George ran drunk through the town. He fornacated with the first born daughters in every house except for those that had beer spilt on their porch. The kings were pissed. They all had angry villagers and pregnate daughters. The kings gathered and decided. "George," they said, "Get the fuck out and take your cronies with you!" They left and search for the promised land. They staggered around blind drunk for many weeks. Finally they found an island in the north. George fell down and yelled, "Fuck it, this is the promised land!"
Patrick said to George, "What shall we call this land?"

Then, George said "I....er...LAND!!

Thus George created the earthly paradise known as Ireland.

Below you will find some rules that George has bestowed upon us to help the church become a beackon to this fallen world.

If a man in a nice suit spills your drink, the drink magically becomes top shelf alcohol before it hits the ground.

A member of the church may abandon his faith in pursuit of sexual release. That member may receiv forgiveness and return to their post upon purchasing a round for his brothers and the apostles.

Whenever a member leaves the church in pursuit of nookie, the member's minister or apostles must set aside a bottle of the member's favorite alcohol to be used in the event of break-up.

A bathrobe and a green tophat is acceptable attire for the church.

Drinking, in and of itself, is the prize.

The Church of the Drunk is 100allible and 100nfallible. If you do not understand this, you are too sober.

At least once a week, somedays once every few hours, a place of holiness must be visited and worship must occur.

Because we drink in the best that humanity has to offer, we are able to accept the rest. And the more we enjoy the best, the better idea the rest se

Here are the stories of George the Messiah and his teachings

We, the first two apostles, met George December 31, 2004 and well into January 1. The Church of the Drunk offically began upon the ordainment of the first apostle, Jeremy Jones (cocktails and martinis) on January 13, 2005.

How we met George:
"I was sitting at the bar during the concert, trying in vain to catch the bartender's attention. Suddenly, to my right, a man appreared and captured the barkeep's eye without so much as a raise of the eyebrow. When asked what he wanted, he flatly replied, "One of everything." It was then I knew I had encountered true greatness." -Testimony of Jeremy Jones, Apostle, Pre-mort of Cheap Scotch and Bitterness

"It was a night like any other night. If every other night included bottomless pints, topless women, and great music. I was busy jigging on the dance floor when I saw a man, a pint in each hand, dancing up a storm. Whenever one pint spilled over, he caught the drops with the other pint. I was speechless. And I have been seeking him ever since." -Testimony of Tyler Murphy, Apostle, Pre-mort of Car Bombs and Accents

More Stuff about George:

George was born to the anti-virgin, Celine Queen, gangbang pornstar pioneer, 1972. It is widely accepted that George has more than 1 father, yet he is the son of God, and many other men, as God frequented Celine on Wednesdays and Sundays.

No matter how much or little he drinks, George cannot become entirely sober or entirely drunk.

Upon departing on a bender, pubs from Claire to California lock up the booze, as George can dry out a bar in less than 4 hours.

George was reportedly seen walking on water to heal a swan. Actually, he drank a pint, and fell in the water, landing on a swan. Whether it was healed or not is still under debate.

George was labeled a chronic alcoholic at age 6 when he drank his dad's entire liquor cabinet and was seen dancing in a thong with a lampshade on his head to Jimmy Buffet. His dad threw him into AA which he abandoned with ferocity, taking several of its members with him. This occured at age 12. Since then, he was seen only sporadically where ever furious drinking was occuring, with only vague reports of awe from bartenders. His only confirmed sighting was when he appeared to the first two apostles of the church of the drunkard.

George was once sighted at Jeremy's house while Jeremy was drinking whiskey. As jeremy reached to change the channel, the whiskey vanished. At first angry, George guided Jeremyto his desk where 15 bottles of scotch awaited him. For though George might steal your liquor, he repays the faithful tenfold.

George once drank an entire bottle of listerine and a half gallon of rubbing alcohol. Not only did he not die, but became so wasted that he made out with a light pole. Reportedly, he still adds rubbing alcohol to cheap veer to "give it a boost to a proper drink"

George has often appeared to the chosen ones. Sometimes, he buys them a round, sometimes he is passed out in a gutter. But the chosen can always recognize him.

George once drank 17 car bombs and 21 long islands without dieing. However, this event caused him to spend several hours in the corner, making out with the arcade game. When questioned, he only praised "Spaced Invaders" for being "Mad sexy"

		We in the Church of the Drunk believe that a person does not necessarily have to be a good person to be a saint.  But they do have to be a great drunk.
		Joseph Stalin - Vodka and Genocide Winston Churchhill - Gin and War Jesus Christ - Wine and Generosity Sir Arthur Guinness - Beer and All That Is Good Ernest Hemmingway - Daquaris and Travel Poncho Villa - Tequila and Criminal Activity Jimmy Buffet - Rum and Music Jack Daniels  - Bourbon and America FDR - Martinis and Cripples Babe Ruth - Scotch and Athletics Robert Faulkner - Moonshine and the South Bukowski - Malt Liquor and Poverty Luke Kelly - Irish Whiskey and Ireland Edgar Allen Poe - Absinthe and Literature Jim Morrison - Microbrews and Rock 'n' Roll Kaiwisawa - Saki and Ninjas William Howard Taft - Champagne and Obesity Che Guevera - Palque and Communism Ben Franklin - German Beer and Politics Robbert Oppenheimer - Everclear and Nuclear Weapons
		The Pre-Post-Mortem Saints (Pre-morts) Jeff Foxworthy - Cheap Beer and rednecks Dennis Leary - Boilermakers and Anger David Fincher - Long Island Iced Teas and Film Greg Maddux - Moonshine and Baseball Jimmy Kimmel - American Beer and Television Bruce Campbell - Jagerblasters and Acting Jeremy Jones - Cheap Scotch and Bitterness Tyler Murphy - Car Bombs and Accents

Imbibicus (church laws)

Party Behavior:

1. A 12 pack of beer or bottle of liquor is an instant invitation to any party, anywhere, anytime.

2. Always be considerate of your host and keep the naked fighting hobos off the front lawn or anywhere else they might be easily seen by cops.

3. Never dance with a drink in your hand.

4. Never have sex in your host's bed.

5. If the host, at any time, loses his desire to host a truly epic party, it is your duty to take the riegns of the party until such time as the booze is all gone

6. If the police show up, do not panic and run.  Calmly answer the door and offer the lad a pint of the best stuff in the house.  I find Arrogant Bastard or Guinness is a wise choice.

7. If you must vomit, have the decency to use the loo.  If someone else is currently using it for the same purpose, find a quiet spot and use it.  But continue to use that spot, as no one wants vomit sprayed everywhere.

8. It is not acceptable to vomit on the host, his shoes or his date.  There is no such thing as a half a kick to the gones.

9. When you arrive, go for the good beer first because by the time you want it, it will be gone.

10. If someone questions whether or not you belong at the party, point to the most expensive bottle of alcohol in the room and tell them you brought it.  If they don't like it, you can always take it and go home.  This way, you either get to stay, or get a nice bottle of expensive alcohol.

pub etiquette:

1. Never leave a drink unfinished, unguarded, or untouched.

2. When ordering a drink, the best method to get the bartender's attention is a slight raise of the hand and eye contact.  Never pee on the bar.

3. Never ask what is on tap.  Use your own damn eyes.

4. If you must urinate, use the loo, not the plant in the corner.

5. If you buy a lass a drink and she accepts, she still does not like you.  She does, however, enjoy free drinks.

6. While inebriated, you are easily the most attractive and witty gentleman in the room.  However, don't attempt too hard to convince the lass with the pepper spray of this.

7. Do not dance in a dive bar and do not brood in a dance bar.

8. Lads: Never order a cosmopolitan unless it is for a lass and you order a shot of whiskey at the same time.

9. When you see an apostle in the Church of the Drunk, buy him a drink.  You are in the presence of greatness.

10. Most importantly. NEVER, EVER tell your bartender he made your drink too strong.  If you do, you are not worthy to be in the same room as the man and you will be promptly ejected and kicked in the pills.

BuzzKill: The Flood, Job, And The Crucifixion

            In the time of Noah there was much sin and adultery upon the earth.  It was a grand time to be alive.  Now across the world men were rampantly drinking and fornicating.  Except for one man, Noah.  Noah was too busy making wine and getting black-out drunk to do much else.  He was often so drunk that he went streaking and passed out in his vineyard.  His neighbors would often do cruel and humorous things to Noah when he was passed out.   On several occasions, Noah awoke in his fields naked and covered in honey, with hundreds of ants crawling over his body.  Now, seeing a grown man naked and punching himself in the balls, while humorous, is not the kind of thing that George likes to see happening to one of his favorite drunks.

            So George came to visit Noah one day.  And George said to him "Hey, Noah.  How do you think we should get back at those geeks next door?"

            Thinking evilly, Noah said "Let us steal all of their alcohol and then strike their fields with a drought that they may never grow barely again."

            George grinned at this idea, but then realized that drought's take years to have full effect.  And he was in the mood to do some smiting right now.  So George picked up his barrel of whiskey and sat about to do some thinking.  After about half of the barrel, George had a great idea.  He told Noah his plan and Noah grinned with maniacal and drunken intent.

            George told Noah to go to all his neighbor's homes and gather two of every keg of alcohol, each according to kind.  Noah then proceeded to pilfer 2 kegs from everyone in the land. 2 kegs of stouts, 2 kegs of pilsners, 2 kegs of amber ales, and so forth until 2 of every kind of alcohol and each kind of wine were gathered and assembled in Noah's house.  but the stash was so great that Noah had nowhere to hide it and his neighbors would surely discover its whereabouts.

            George thought for a moment and had Noah build a Huge boat with which to conceal the alcohol.  While his neighbors thought that he had truly gone mad by building this giant boat in the middle of the desert, they began to suspect that Noah was not clever enough to steal so much alcohol from them.

            Upon completion of the boat, George and Noah proceeded to store all of the alcohol aboard the ship.  Then George ran throughout the town and turned everyone's kitchen sinks on and broke the valves, so that they could not be shut off.  Soon the entire town was flooding and people angrily demanded passage aboard Noah's boat, as all of their homes were quickly growing mold and becoming uninhabitable.

            Before the mob could become too great, George turned on the fire hose and blasted the mob away, quickly flooding the entire area.  Soon entire houses were underwater.  Only George and Noah and Noah's family were left in the entire region.  George looked about and said "Damn, that's a powerful fire hose" Everyone nodded in agreement.

            For forty days and forty nights, Noah and his crew floated atop the waters, drinking one of each of the kegs of alcohol and playing music.  This became the first Rock Boat event, a tradition proudly carried on in modern times by the band Gaelic Storm.

            After forty days the water began to recede, which was handy because the onboard latrine had begun to back up.

            Staggering out on to dry land, Noah and George immediate began replanting Noah's vineyard so that they might partake of some fresh wine.  the time it takes grapes to grow was so unbearably slow that George vowed to never again flood the earth with the intent of covering his beer-stealing crimes.

the crucifixion

There came a time in the history of man when George and his friends were wandering around town. Having partaken of several pints of beer, numerous Irish Car Bombs, and heroic numbers of Long Island Iced Teas, the troupe was quite tempered against the cold winds and far beyond the desperate clutches of rational thought.

It was on  this fateful day that George and his friends stumbled into the Roman King's orchard.  The group wandered, lazy and drunk, from grove to grove, picking and eating whatever they like.  A few hours into their trespassing, George spied the largest Pear Tree in the entire Roman Empire.

Now, being a rather large fan of Pear Brandy, George gathered his friends together and began collecting every pear from the tree.  Soon they had picked all the ones they could reach and had begun standing upon each others shoulders.  Eventually, however they had picked all the pears that they could reach once more.  At this time, George decided to climb the tree and gather from the top branches himself.

            Amidst the cheering from his friends, George began to showboat and dance around the tops of the trees.  Being inebriated and not entirely in control of his motor functions, George tripped and proceeded to plummet toward the ground.  Fortunately, before he fell all the way to the ground, his shirt caught on two of the branches and snagged him.

            George sat there, drunk out of his mind and hanging from the tree, swearing profusely at his friends to get him down.  His friends tied many times, but were too blind drunk to mount an effective rescue mission.  George's cursing grew more profuse and belligerent until one of his friends finally said "fuck him, let's bail before he wakes the romans."

            George's friends picked up the baskets of pears and ran back home to start making wine and to sober up until an effective rescue mission could be launched.

            Meanwhile, George, hanging from the tree, had wore out his voice and passed out.   For 9 hours, George hung in that tree, unconscious until the Romans came across him. "Is this not the one they call George, the great leader of drunks?" one of them asked.

            "I think it is.  And I think he's dead.  Poke him with that stick" With that, one of the soldiers raised the back of his spear and poked George in the ribs.  When George didn't move, the Romans officially declared him dead.

            For the next 3 days, George hung from the tree, stone drunk and unconscious. On the morning of the third day, as the first rays of the sun struck his eyes, George awoke, the shock of the light on his bloodshot eyes and hungover brain caused such a cry of pain and such a violent shake that many later reported it as an earthquake.  Instinctively, he strove to cover his eyes, in the process tearing his shirt and freeing himself from the tree.  George fell to the ground, covering his eyes and swearing at his friends and trying to remember how he got up into that tree.

His friends were just recovering from their hangovers when they saw George coming toward them, swearing and covering his eyes from the harsh sun.  They were all terrified, for they had read the paper declaring George deceased.  They quickly ran away, each going in different directions to tell the world of the miracle of George's return from the grave.

When asked about it, George merely shrugged and said "I let them believe whatever they want.  This whole rising from the dead thing keeps them from making me mad.  And now I never have to buy the beer.  Life is good."

The story of Job

Now in the time of Job, a great number of large lizards walked the earth.  However, the existence of these lizards is of great debate, as Job was a large fan of tequila and constantly ate the worm.  He has been known to hallucinate a great number of things in the many nights and days of dunkenness that he was embarked upon.  In those days, Job was married and had many children.  (Hence why he drank so much)

Job's wife was named Esther, which, of course means "Evil Nagging Bitch" Esther was constantly nagging Job to quit drinking, but Job was a faithful drunk. 

One day, The Mormon President Beezlebub came into the presence of George.  George looked at Beezelbub and said "Where have you been and what have you been up to?"

The Mormon replied "I have been wandering the earth, here and there"

"Have you been to the land of Uz and seen my friend Job.  He is a great drunk and there is none like him on the whole earth," George slurred.

"He is only faithful to the booze because he has so many reasons to drink.  Take his children and all his bills and everything stressful from him and he will surely give up the drink and see the world through clear eyes and a clear head."

The following day, George set out to test Job.  He stretched out his mighty hand and struck down all of Job's children.  He dropped a house upon them, having seen the Wizard of Oz earlier that week and thinking it was funny.  He then gave an anonomous donation to Job's bank and paid off all of Job's bills.  Finally, George gave Job's wife a judo-chop to the next so that she could not speak and nag at Job.

Job awoke that morning to the sound of peace and quiet in his home.  After inquiring around, he learned what happened and immediately began rejoicing.  He ran straight to the liquor cabinet and opened his finest bottle of scotch and proceeded to get drunk instead of having his breakfast.  His wife could only scowl at him since she could not speak.

The second day, Beezlebub came back to George.  And George said "Have you noticed my friend Job?  Even when you made me take all his bad fortune, he did not abandon his faith in booze."

"That is because you did spared his body.  Strike down his liver and he will abandon you are your followings."

George merely laughed and decided to go on with the test.  Cause nothing is as funny to a drunken deity as picking on mortals.  George then opened his high school biology book and search for liver problems.  Happening upon Cirrhosis, and thinking it sounded cool, George struck down Job with a terrible case of the fated disease.

After visiting his doctor and being told the unfortunate news and being commanded to never drink again, Job promptly bitch slapped the doctor and loudly proclaimed "Were I to die if I had even a sip of a drink to touch my lips, I would gladly cast myself into a barely of whiskey and there be entombed until my remains were part of the sacred distillation!"  With that, Job once more opened his finest bottle of scotch, lit up a cigar and smoked and drank until he fell unconscious.

While Job lay slumbering, George wandered over to him and laughed.  The Mormon walked up, defeated, and said "Fine.  take him.  What use do we have with someone as constantly drunk as this fiend?"

The lesson?  If you are truly dedicated to booze and all of its promises, the mormons will leave you alone.

Chronicles

(Your Creator is a Psychopath)

"Why does God let bad things happen to good people?"  "Why Does God Hate me?" and thousands of other whining questions about why it always seems to be raining divine shit upon you and yours, even when you try really hard not to kick those midgets at the office every day. It's all fairly simple when you think about it.  God is the biggest drunk in the history of the universe.  He created the divine spirits after all.

To know the nature of God, we must look into ourselves.  Let us be logical, for a change. (Well, as logical as we can be since we are drunk at the moment)  We were created in the image of God.   And we know that God's greatest gift to us is alcohol.  And given the story of creation, we know that God is a drunk.  We also know that most of us, when drunk, like people more.  We find things easier to deal with and think the usual idiots surrounding us are entertaining.  How much more for God. 

Now remember that most people pray at night, asking God for all the things that they want and all those other petty, whining requests "Don't let me die from this bottle of whiskey, please let my son get that kidney transplant, make the voices stop.." thing like that.  Well, given that God starts drinking around 11, he is usually passed out by this time.  Then, come sunrise, those first rains of light shine through God's window, directly into his bloodshot, hungover eyes, causing a moment of pain and shock.  Quickly covering his eyes and cursing the leprechauns inside his head, kicking his brain, God begins to rise and shower.

Then, showered and unshaven, God sits down to His morning coffee with a little whiskey and checks his e-mail before heading off to the office.  Much to His chagrin, God discovers hundreds of thousands of prayers from those sniveling, whiny cheap beer drinking humans. We know that we don't even like the waitress asking if we want sugar in my coffee when we are hungover.  If we had the entire world asking us for things, we'd just snap and kill everyone in a fiery blast of divine cruelty and go back to bed.

God, obviously irritated that he has to deal with all of this first thing in the morning, decides to given a little friendly smiting out to the first few thousand prayers he opens.  Some of them deserve it, some don't.  But who are we to question His motives.  It's God.  A speeding bus hitting a nun here, a stubbed toe there, a botched robbery over that way, whatever.  Most of us are at our most creative and masochistic when we are hungover.

About the time He finishes with the first few thousand, God has started to get a nice little buzz from the whiskey-spiked coffee and the pounding in his head begins to recede. God then answers a few more of the prayers, gives some poor dumb bastard what He wanted, lets someone win the lottery, then heads off to the office, leaving the rest of the planets prayers unanswered for yet another day.  After all, even when He answers most of them, people keep asking for the same thing till they get what they want anyway.  Like a bunch of kids asking "Are we there yet?"  No matter how many times you answer, they don't stop asking until they hear that you have arrived.

Thus we know the nature of God, and realize it is in our best interest to not only not ask God for anything, but often to just swing by his place in the morning and offer him a drink.  It's best to be the person that buys God a free round and get on his good side, than to get hit by a bus for whining too much

The Apocalypse!!

In the end days, the Church will be persecuted.  The persecution will be severe.  It will begin with the election of a mormon president in the states.  Shortly thereafter, Tony Blair will become a mormon.  Together, the two Anti-Georges will declare an end to the booze.  They will wage war on the Holy Land and burn down the breweries and imprison the brew masters.  Sobriety will encroach upon the Church and they will be driven underground. 

The Four Horsemen will be come forth and lay waste to the earth.  Draught will strike the fields and kill entire crops of barley and hops.  Prohibition will become law.  Starbucks will conquer the earth and caffeine addiction will ovcerpower alcohol.  Worst of all, the home brews of the dedicated few will be smitten and transformed into low-carb light beers, barely worth of the term.  Guinness will be nut a memory.  Hundred will abandon their faith.  And those that remain steadfast will be hunted ruthlessly.  Drunks will be condemned to the end of the earth.  But through these dark times, a torch will burn.  Drunkenness will not be forgotten.  As long as the Apostles exist to fight the tyranny of sobriety, the ideal and drunken antic of the Church will prevail.

One day, George will return to restore intoxication to the earth.  Upon his return, a pint in each hand, he will explain that for the past several years, he had been passed out drunk in a gutter in Boston.  George will proceed to convince the mormon president, Tony Blair, and the president of starbucks to have a drink with him.  Upon their imbidement of booze, the three villains will recant their evil ways and repeal prohibition and immediately promote the consumption and production of booze worldwide. George will then rebuild St. James Gate and begin to produce Guinness.  After drinking the entire first batch himself, George will proceed to urinate on the earth, thus ending the drought and bringing back the barley and hops.  Thus heaven will be established on the earth.  And all people will praise George and follow his teachings.

The Gospel of the Bars

Let it be known that drinking, despite its ability to be done alone in the dark, is a social activity.  and even though booze is and should be cheaply available at all church member's homes, it is necessary to engage in drunken fellowship at an establishment dedicated to the sale and consumption of the sacred spirits. It is for this reason, we have chosen to explore the intracasies of these places of worship.

THE DIVE BAR.  A Favorite establishment of the apostles, the dive is little more than a square building with little to offer but cheap beer.  It is simply adorned, forsaking all false idols of live music, attractive women, or loud, irritating juke boxes.  Little is offered to distract thses dedicated drunks from their alcohol.  Those that trespass here must be hearty drinkers, immune to both the effects of massive amounts of cheap booze and the ever present smell of urine.  Few but the angriest and criminally-minded drunks can withstand the effects of the dive bar.  It is as much a place to hide from the world and its police officers, as it is a place to drink.

THE DANCE BAR Under most circumstances, the last thing a normal person feels like doing is going out in the middle of a dance floor and embarass themselves with moves that are indistinguishable from a muscle spasm.  Yet the magic of a dance bar is this: after nine or ten strong cocktails, even the most meek and uncoordinated are ready to wrestle Michael Flattley's title from him.  The dance bar, while it is a bar, can be a very frustrating place for those wishing to focus soley on booze.  However, this is the most likely of all the bars to encounter a lass drunk and limber enough to copulate with you.

HIGH TRAFFIC BAR. These bars are vortexes for large amounts of people for undescernable reasons.  It could be the bad music for some, the constant drink specials for others, who knows?  But these places have more foot traffic than a track at the olympics.  But the thing that is almost worth the ungodly large cover to get in is the superhuman bartenders.  These brave souls have to apease the booze-hungry crowd by making out literally hundreds of complex cocktails in a matter of seconds. Most of the time a drunks' encumbered brain cannot pronounce the last syllable of the drink they want before it is placed in front of them.

BAR AND GRILLS like most places on earth, these places have no smoking inside.  Thise, quite frankly, sucks.  But there is a solution.  Smoking patios.  These are awesome.  You can smoke outside, drink outside, and the dreadful music is not very loud. Also, on top of the full bar, one can order actually good food, as opposed to the standard bar food, which is little more than carbohydrates and electrolytes to keep drunks awake and drinking.

CONCERT HALLS Thses places are holy places where drunks can go to see a pack of equally inebraited musicians apply their trade. The main draw to these establishments is that when the music is bad, the people responsible are usually wwithin bottle-throwing range. Also, despite the large cover, a drunk can go to these places having heard the band before, and actually enjoy the music. Also, the women there already have the same taste in music that you do.