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The Sounds of VTech / Bilal: LEVELS   

It all comes down to this +/- (my weekend)....

Saturday....

+ wake up early feeling better than I have for the past few days. It’s amazing what clarity you reach when you are confined to your bed for 48 hours. ....

-  wish I hadn’t been confined to my bed for 48 hours as I am now forced to play catch up w/life. ....

+ decide I would like to have my first real food in days in the company of someone fun. I call frank dee. ....

+ at breakfast frank reminisces about ....thailand.... and his amer-asian children. Okay that last part is not true. But in my heart I will always believe that he ain’t spend all that time over there without leavin his seed behind. I’m jus sayin. ....

+ after breakfast we are driving west on ....belmont.... towards maple listening to lyrics born discuss bein the first ever asian astronaut. I stop singing just long enough to draw franks attention to the man disrobing in the middle of the intersection. old boy is tall, white and in his late 50’s. his belongings are in bags placed strategically around him and as he takes off each piece of clothing he calmly tucks it in whatever bag is near. when he takes his pants off he is rockin electric blue man panties. it is a rare moment indeed. as we drive past he gets completely naked and moves his lanky body (as if) in unison to “lady don’t tek no”. we both let out a “dayyyum” and continue on our way. ....

+ i need a new bookcase. i make frank go to target with me so i don’t have to carry it. it takes everything i have, not to browse down any of the other aisles. i remind myself that i am not with vance so the idea of browsing down every aisle at target probably won’t fly. ....

-/+ vance would have been on my spend my saturday morning wish list, but I failed to get out of bed the previous day which means i missed his meatball magic anniversary, which in turn means I felt bad and therefore did not call. ....

+ after we drop my new bookcase at my house frank goes home and I go to see the ladybug (my grandma). she is hella snuggied up watching a movie. before i ask what it is she say’s “ya know i’ve liked nicolas cage ever since he was in that movie with cher, but I don’t know about this one”. i laugh and tell her the name of the movie is moonstruck and that i have never seen it. she tells me i would like it. i take my shoes off and curl under a blanket on the couch and then it hits me when I see meg ryan (who always seems to play the same chick in every freakin movie) that this is that city of angels movie that i refused to watch when it came out. the ladybug remembers that i don’t like angels and laughs when i tell her it’s all her fault on account of all those bible stories about the devil being the most beautiful angel etc etc... you would think you were watching mystery science theater3000 with the way we talk at the television. our couch commentary is the only thing that makes the movie tolerable. at the end we both say “is that it”? i tell her it is also her fault that i am a cynical woman. she tells me “that’s called havin good sense baby”. ....

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+ there’s a picture of new babies on the table. i look at it a long time before saying anything. I comment that the boys are lookin good but that the youngest one looks like he needs a little more sun. the ladybug looks at me with a twinkle in her eye and says something so comedic in its timing that i tell her i can’t take no more girl, i gotta go.....

+ at home i partake of a beautiful afternoon nap while watching a re-run of psych. ....

+ about 30 minutes into my nap starr sends a text that yokia’s house warming party already started and that we should get movin. i shake off sleep and roll to meet her. ....

+ we listen to our man phontigallo all the way there. gordan gartrell saved me many times last summer. ....

+ there’s mad people at yokia’s house by the time we arrive. jason is posted out back with the boys. after the tour I finally get to meet his parents. they are as lovely as i imagined they would be. ....

+ we grab wine and chill out back. the conversation is clever and engaging. i have always wanted to use that term about something. it followed nicely, don’tcha think?....

+ as i’ve mentioned in previous blogs, sometimes i associate people with certain soundtracks/music ( which I hear in my head when i am around them). i cant control it, it just happens randomly. when i meet jason’s dad i instantly hear  willie bobo. he is speaking to another gentleman at the table when we are introduced. he has a cocktail in one hand and a cigar in the other. at some point during the evening I hear say to the person he’s talking to (ever so convincingly) “ mannn he was soo mean, he cut down a tree on arbor day”. i cant seem to stop laughing about that even as i write it now. ....

+ jason’s little brother makes a comment that he doesn’t like to date women that like him too much, or that are too nice. me and starr pounce on him immediately. never mind the fact that we just met this young brotha. but he takes it in stride and even moves his chair between us to get some more insight on the situation. secretly, i know exactly what he means, on many levels i would agree with him, but It would be irresponsible of me not to have the back of nice young sistah’s everywhere on this one. so i keep that part under my hat.....

+ we meet turtle back at starr’s house and head to pardini’s for feathers comedy show. it’s packed as hell by the time we get there. we find seats in the back of the room and the show starts. ....

-/+ the first dude up doesn’t do it for me. But the headliner starts rockin from jump. i laughed so hard i was crying. starr was too. the show is ridiculously funny, in the midst of laughter i catch a glimpse of turtle and his eyes are ever soo small and watery. he took allergy meds before we left and i can tell he’s  still not feeling well. i lean over and tell him that me and starr aint the kind of girls that trip if we have to leave early cuz our boy is sick. he seems reluctant at first, but we insist on him driving us home so he can go home and go to bed. he eventually gives in. ....

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Sunday....

+ when i walk into my aunts house ms gigi is perched oh her mama’s waist lookin cute in her pink terry cloth pajamas.  i know you wont believe me when i say this, but that baby looked happy to see me. she will be a year in april and I am kind of amazed that she already has the ability to like people she doesn’t see on a daily basis. the other thing that strikes me as funny is that whenever i see her she automatically starts to clap and dance. her older sister explains that it’s because i always sing to her and that gigi remembers this. in case you were wondering what song gets the most response it’s the theme to the smurfs. go figure… ....

+ gigi is in my lap holding my face between her tiny brown hands. she tilts her head  just enough to look at me the way grown folks do that haven’t seen you since you was a baby do. she smiles begins to grab individual braids and rub them between her fingers while she leans back and forth taking me all in. i laugh at her being so inquisitive and give her soo many kisses on her tiny neck she giggles out loud. ....

+ i spend the remainder of my sunday doing all the things i should have done earlier in the week. it is raining most of the day which enhances my ability to nap. if i never say it enough i will say it now…life is good... Paz~....

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They say there is no rest for the wicked. When I was a little girl that saying always scared me. But now, sitting at my desk, a million miles from sleep, maybe I understand it a little better.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />....

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Not that I am saying I am wicked or anything. I'm pretty sure I'm not. But sometimes your thoughts can turn ugly and you wonder about who you are and what you are and aren't capable of.....

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Right now I'm capable of everything but sleep.....

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About a week ago I got an email from someone I have a hard time talking about/to. Apparently Facebook and all its intrusive togetherness informed him that I'd written that 25 random things list. He saw that I mentioned that I’d once written an invoice for a man that wasted my time a few years back. Instead of owning that shit and apologizing for it he did the following

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1) Asked if I ever got married.....

2) If we can be friends

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And

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3) If I can help him with a project he and his wife are currently working on.....

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You read right! He asked ME for MY help with a project HE and HIS WIFE are working on y'all. I instantly wondered if the poor girl was tired of taking care of him by herself and he perhaps remembering how gullible I was, thought nothing of asking me for help. He didn't even have the decency to pretend for a little while and then hit me with it. I've sat on this for a week now. I didn't mention it to my girls or even my Aunt Lydia (who incidentally once loaned me money so that I could loan it to him). I've been both too embarrassed and completely caught off guard by it all.....

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The thing is this. I really was a nice woman when he met me. I would go so far as to say a good woman in fact. But sometimes people don’t want to hear that, or respect it, or treat it with the care that it deserves. Instead of just saying, I might look like I have my shit together, but I need some help girl,  he made me believe that he was someone that I could trust and  grow old together with. For reals… I have not been the same since. I miss that feeling of doing something for a man and not wondering if he would he would take that as a sign that I am a pushover. Someone that will allow people in my life that don’t mean what they say or say what they mean. When he left, a part of me left too. The part I liked about myself the most in fact. ....

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But now, sitting at my desk begging sleep for a second chance I feel like I have to purge it. I am friends with every man I have ever loved because none of them did anything to warrant our not being able to remain friends. But for my own sanity (and that of others) I'm printing that invoice I wrote, putting it in an envelope and mailing it to his ass tomorrow! If you have enough time to write me a letter about what you need, then I have time to let you know what I need! I'm not tryin to make myself sick by thinking everyone is out to use me, just cuz his motives and character were weak. That's some old bull (as bernie would say). ....

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I'm also going to reply to that damn email/facebook request with a big ass hells no. And finally I'm also going to delete his picture from my photo album. Why I have it there is beyond me. ....

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I feel better now, having put this out into the universe. Maybe now I will be able to let you say "You look nice today sistah" without thinking you have some wicked ulterior motive. Or maybe I will still be skeptical. Either way it will have nothing to do with a man who once promised me a better life, when the life I had was fine all along.

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Goodnight~

A few people asked about my set at Metropolis this past weekend. I must admit I was not only flattered by the request to post it, but somewhat surprised. I really gotta start owning the fact that when I try I can come up with some stuff wha what???. Yeah....I said it:).

Thanks to Heinz, Mr. Leonard and JCatch my Departure Lounge Partners. We make a pretty good team y'all.

Ms Soulflower Departure Lounge Set List..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

Nov 15^th 2008

1. Open Doors- Kira Neris
2. Take My Time- 4Hero
3. Heaven- Mark de Clive Lowe featuring Bembe Segue
4. Saturn- The Politik
5. Flashback- Fat Freddy's Drop
6. Morena- King Britt Featuring Vikter Duplaix
7. I Miss You (remix)-Bjork
8. Love and War- Outkast
9. The Healer- Erykah Badu
10. Never been in love before- Talib Kweli
11. Get ta stepping- Mos Def & Vinia Mojica
12. Won't do- JDilla
13. Universal Magnetic- Mos Def
14. Get A Hold- A Tribe Called Quest
15. Doomsday (remix)- MF Doom
16. Mr. Mister- J*Davey
17. Spazz- N.E.R.D
18.  Look what you're doin to me- Jazzanova featuring Phonte
19. Keepin the faith- De La Soul
20. Girls around the world- Lloyd featuring Lil Wayne
21. La di da di- Doug E Fresh
22. Tonight- DJ Quik
23. Brass Monkey- Beastie Boys
24. Roller Skatin Jam Called Saturday- De La Soul

In sixth grade everything was a mystery to me. Life, My Family, Boys, My Body (and its sudden decision to change shape)…all of it. I remember being very concerned that my summer's would no longer be the same after sixth grade. That everyone would move away like they did on TV and that I'd be forced to be alone in a new school with a bunch of people I hadn't grown up with, which in my mind meant they would not like me.

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That was the mind of a shy pre-teen who had recently stopped playing flag football with her boys around the way because her mother had taken her to JCPenny and bought her a training bra and she would just die if they noticed this new contraption underneath her tee-shirts.

I was probably thinking about all that stuff when Shawn walked up to me. Shawn Simpson was by far the cutest boy I had ever seen. He transferred to our school in 4^th grade and would soon become the object of all my daydreams. If memory serves me correct he was kinda quite too but very nice. Whenever he caught me looking at him he would smile back and I would get hella nervous and turn away.

Even as a shy girl I still managed to get along with most everyone so I wasn't particularly shocked when he found me afterschool one day sitting on top of the tunnel ( a big u turned upside down piece of concrete) in the kindergarten section of the campus. He made small talk about our teacher and then asked if he could sit next to me. I said sure and he jumped up with little effort and sat so close to me I could feel his pant leg next to mine.

I'm pretty sure we didn't talk at all while sitting there dangling our feet. I was pretty much in awe at that point so I can't be sure of anything to tell you the truth. For some reason I began to get increasingly nervous and decided I would jump down and sit inside the tunnel. I know huh? I mean…in retrospect that just smacks of teasing, but I had no idea and really only wanted to hide out until he left. But he didn't leave…instead he followed me and crawled inside the tunnel.

To this day I am sure my heart has never made a louder sound than it did that sunny spring afternoon. I wanted him to leave as much as I wanted him to stay and nothing they ever gave us in health class prepared me for any of the emotions I was suddenly bombarded with. After a moment he made his move and grabbed my hand and held it for a little while and then he leaned in and asked if he could kiss me. I could not believe it…there was no way this was real. I daydreamed about that moment for two years and here was my big chance. And do you know what I did?

I pulled my hand away and immediately ran out of the tunnel, the kindergarten gate, off campus and down church ave. I ran all the way home in fact. Even when I was running I had no idea why. I mean what was I scared of? He wasn't being gross like some of the boys were (already) he was actually being sweet and I could not fathom that with all my 6^th grade logic.

At home in my room I was a mess. I could not stop thinking about it. I was embarrassed, anxious, happy and scared all rolled up into one adolescent girl who had heard one too many stories about girls in her class who had already let boys do way more than kiss them in the tunnel. I wanted to call my best friend Simone and tell her what had happened but instead I pulled out this tiny blue book with butterflies on the cover and started to write. It was my first official journal.

Years later I would see Shawn around the neighborhood with this girl that suspiciously looked a little like me. I was finally over being embarrassed by then, but I wasn't over being shy yet, so although we remained friends we never spoke about the incident. I always had a lot of respect for him though. He never told any of the other boys that I ran away from him and never made fun of me for being scary either. To this day there's something about a quite man with confidence that just does it for me. I'm jus sayin.

It took awhile for me to get over being shy and the little blue journal helped me with that tremendously. I still own it, along with every other journal I've ever kept over the years. I read them over from time to time and think about the girl I once was along with the woman I am becoming.

I no longer run when I'm scared of things I want. I try to pace myself when I start to second guess the goodness that arrives daily. I am thankful when I need to be and practical the rest of the time. I love that I still have every journal I've ever written in and that I am grown enough to laugh at, cry with and build upon every sentence I've ever been brave enough to share. I have not seen Shawn Simpson since the summer of 8^th grade. But I promise you this, when and If I ever have the pleasure I will thank him for helping me set the kind of standards for myself that have allowed me to cautious, smart and willing to make a fool of myself for love.

Be Easy~

And this is how the story goes....

It all began about 5 years ago. I was asked by the then Executive Director of KFCF (Vic Bedoian) if I'd like to come up with a proposal for a local show. I said yes immediately. But, I had just ended a 3 year stint at a monthly Poetry Jam and was kind of tired of being busy.

So instead of following up....I just chilled. All summer in fact.

Me and Dave drank a lot of beer that summer and just as the season's began to change he asked me what I was going to do about the show proposal.

I remember saying I didn't want to commit to anything, that I would rather just pretend like I was never asked and continue being lazy. He didn't laugh, he didn't smile he just put his bottle down on the coffee table and said. "You know you have to do this Dee, it's a great opportunity you can't just pretend it wasn't offered to you". So I went home and wrote a proposal and two weeks later I was suddenly the host of a program I decided to call "Move on UP".

If someone would have told me that I would spend about 90% of my Friday nights behind a microphone talking to people from all walks of life about culture, community and our place in the entire equation I would have told them they were crazy. But there I was ( with Dave, Tiana and Mykal) every week with 1 sometimes up to 8 people sitting in a tiny studio on Wishon Ave.

There were times when I was sick, tired, hung over or just plain in a bad mood and I'd come in and all that would be out the window...I was transformed for an hour into a world were possibilty wasn't a bad word. Where people put into action the ideas they were told would never work. Where people who had something to say found a safe space to say it in. It was my personal therapy session for the masses (myself included). I became comfortable with my own voice during these moments and if I'm not mistaken we helped some folks become unified with their own as well.

Friday Sep 26th marks the final installment of our Friday night program. It's taken me 3 weeks to make this decision and thankfully Mykal Powell (engineer/background beatmaker/man behind the glass) has been with every step of the way.

Our final guest will be local musician Glen Delpit. I find it fitting that we began with visual blues (via artist Robert Ogata) and will conclude with Delta Blues via Glen.

If any of you have never taken the opportunity to take part in a "Move on UP" celebration I invite you to do so this Saturday at Audies Olympic. Some people very dear to my heart have agreed to drive down from San Francisco just to make you sweat...so don't sleep on this one y'all.

In the words of Talib Kweli...It's a Beautiful Struggle...Please keep Movin on UP...it's essential to our growth as a community.

Love to you all~

Devoya

Woke up in a bad mood yesterday. It happens so seldom, but non-the less there I was staring in the bathroom mirror with my forehead lines in full effect. I was supposed to be somewhere important at 9am. But I didn't get home until 2:30am and didn't fall asleep until an hour after that, so 9am was not happening for me and that too attributed to my bad attitude.

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After a shower and some small talk via email to David I decided that perhaps spending time with real life people would make me snap out of it.

I sent a text to the Hellacrafty crew that the Diva herself Crafty Chica would be in town from 3-5pm for a meet and greet at Michaels. I'd read her blog and in various cities along her way people came out in full support and even hosted a party or two, so of course I wanted the 559 to represent. I messaged some other friends about hangin out later for an afternoon drink or two as well.

The only person to hit me back was (Shelly) an old friend who just moved back from NOLA. We decide that we'd have lunch in Tower, take a walk over to La Luna Loca and then go visit with Kathy (Crafty Chica). I had an hour to kill before we meet so I decided to go visit my brother Charles.

When I walk in he's watching MSNBC as Joe Biden accepts the VP nomination. He's a reluctant voter in that he feels like we continue to encourage them (Politicians) whenever we go to the poll's. But secretly I think he knows its value is deeper than that. Somehow in the middle of discussing world views of ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />America and weather or not I think journalists are worth anything anymore he accidently let's it slip that he listened to my radio show the previous night and even recorded it. I'm a little surprised by this revelation but try not to let it show. He goes on further to ask me if I think I'm making a difference in a city where Black folks make up such a small percentage. I think about it for a moment and say "Yes"...Yes I do. He doesn't laugh or shake his head in disappointment at my optimism he smiles and shakes his head in approval. I feel like hugging him, but instead I tell him I gotta roll and leave to meet Shelly.

During lunch Shelly's 3 year old daughter tells me she has a present for me. Little mama hands me a toe ring and tell's me to put it on. It's lucky I was wearing sandals and had finally painted my toes. There really is no way to sustain a bad mood when a baby gives you a gift and then leans back to observe how you receive it.

We catch up on all kinds of stuff. We'd briefly chilled a week earlier during the Readnex/Ise Lyfe/Brown Buffalo set at "The Smokehouse". But that evening was too full and vibrant and beautiful to be plagued by our voices catching up so we stayed quiet and soaked up the energy they all left us with. But now...in the comfort of Stones in the middle of the afternoon we talked non-stop!

We both get goose bumps when we talk about how dope the show was last week. We talk about a boy I introduced her to and what I really thought about him ( yes women still do this), about social justice in education and what it looks like currently vs. what it can look like, about farmers markets (at which time she hands me a big bag of peaches), birthday's, our new jobs and the Crafty Chica. Shelly has never heard of her, but wants to meet the person who inspired me to make things I thought about but couldn't find in stores.

After lunch we walk over to La Luna Loca and I show her the display case with Hellacrafty Merchandise. When we're done we take a drive over to Michaels so we can hang out with Kathy.

When we walk in I see her sitting at a table directly in front of the store. On one side there is a pretty young girl with a quiet smile and on the other side is this handsome young man who you instantly know is probably unaware of this fact.

By the time she stands up, moves around the table to come out and hug me there's not a trace of the bad mood I'd awaken with. This girl really does make you feel better when you're in her presence. I bet she's heard that all her life. I also bet it can a curse and a blessing. But maybe I'm wrong…I wonder…..

We catch up and she introduces me to her family (yep those were her kids sitting at the table) and her husband Patrick who is sitting behind them with a sketch book. They look and feel like people whose house you'd want to hang out at if they lived in your neighborhood. Lauren, her Duncan rep is there too.

I introduce her to Shelly and Marianna and before long we are elbow deep into the display booth looking at all the new products and wishing we hadn't just spent so much money on lunch. While deciding which kit we want to buy Kathy asks about Hellacrafty and our meetings. I tell her that collectively most people are kind of doing there own thing, but that if she wanted me to get some people together to craft with for her next Fresno visit that I might be able to find a couple of people. Shelly suggests we do it with the 3 of us and that we make one of her kits. We all agree and promise that we'll take pictures and send Lauren.

We exchange emails and after I buy a Love Shrine Kit and Shelly buy's and An Angel Kit and Flocked Heart Shaped Iron-On  we say our goodbye's and make our way back to the tower.

While pulling up to a stop sign on my way home the guy in the next lane honks and I look over to see that it's Bill Trayler. I roll my window down and ask where he's on his way to. He say's Veni's and I ask if I can join him. He say's yes. It's 5pm and I've been meaning to call him all week so the timing couldn't be better.

At Veni's we discuss this project that we've been hoping to collaborate on for months. We also discuss some things that have been bothering me that I know he can advise me on. Bill's a wise man, and when you find those, it is your duty to use them as such. At least that's what I think. He's also fair minded and funny so he can make light of things you thought were the end of the world. He does exactly that and while driving home I replay my Saturday afternoon over in my head and decide it was exactly what I needed.