Welcome one and all to the first edition of "The Dead Push", exclusively here at EmpireHardcore.com and Myspace.com/EmpireHardcore. I am Chris Robinson, author of "The Verbal Submission" over at 411mania.com. I've been kicking around the idea for a while to do a pro wrestling column to go along with the MMA column I write at 411. I also wanted to utilize the open forum I have here at my own personal website, EmpireHardcore.com, to do things the way I want without worrying about offending the "fans" or appearing "unprofessional". It's my site. Let the profanity fly! To start, the format for this column will be the same as "The Verbal Submission" until I get a feel for writing about wrestling again. Honestly, it's a lot easier for me to write about wrestling because I've been following it for much longer than MMA, and there's an element of fantasy booking when writing about wrestling. In MMA, the minute you express an opinion or a theory that someone doesn't agree with, people decry you as an imbecile. It's fun to read, but at the end of the day, I find that MMA fans can be a tad more douchey than wrestling fans. Did I spell "douchey" right? Don't get me wrong. I love my fans at 411, and I think MMA fans are a great group. My problem is certain people treat MMA so seriously that they put a level of worthiness on you if they feel you don't have this ridiculous infatuation with it. Wrestling fans are more about having fun and coming up with crazy booking ideas, cheering their favorite superstar, and generally joking around. MMA fans treat MMA like it's the be all, end all, of life. It's nuts. When I write something, it's an opinion, not a fact, but some people treat my writing like Jesus on a hill calling all Christians douchetards.

So enough bullshitting about stupid people, let's get into the wrasslin'.

All true. All of it.


RAW is FRUSTRATION IN A BOX!!!
So for any fans out there that caught our last podcast, you already know that I'm having a real hard time watching Monday Night RAW lately. It's very clear that RAW is booked more to appeal to children, while Smackdown still retains some old school aspects of booking a wrestling show. It's also difficult watching your favorite superstar, CM Punk, go on the most non-sensical booking rollercoaster I've ever seen. Here's a guy that went from being World Champ, to not losing the belt in a match, to becoming tag champs with a guy he obviously doesn't care about (they don't come out for post match saves!!!), and now he's inches away from an IC title feud with a guy that beat him to win King of the Ring. I can't remember a guy who went up and down the booking sheet in WWE in such a short amount of time!

Besides CM Punk though, the rest of the RAW roster is just a mess. The only solid performers over the last six months that I've been able to sink my teeth into are Batista, Chris Jericho, and HBK. Now we had a little banter on the EmpireHardcore.com message board about Chris Jericho's ascension to the top of the heel ladder. I tend to agree with the Gods of Internet Wrestling over at PWInsider.com because Chris Jericho's booking is very similar to Edge's run over the last two years. I was a little vague and casually referred to their characters as the same. Edge is much more intense and devious, while Chris Jericho is calm and callous. However, both have been booked as opportunists, both have eeked out title victories in surprising fashions, and both have a fat Spanish broad in a wheelchair helping them. OK, that last one isn't true.

Greatest T-shirt Ever.


I think my main frustration with RAW is the fact that there isn't a lot of actual wrestling on the show. When there is a long match, it tends to be between people I could care less about, a.k.a. Randy "Skulls and Tribal Go Well Together" Orton, and J.B. "I'm Less Fat Now"L. I think I'm also among the minority when it comes to Santino Marella. I hate the guy. I'll probably like him more now that he's not carrying around the IC title because giving a comedy act a championship is basically saying "hey if you thought this belt was worthless now, wait'll you see who we put it on next!". I'm more of a purist. I always will be. Championships will always mean something to me. (I still believe Bret!!! I still believe!!!!)

I know! An HDTV for $600 is crazy! That's why I didn't buy it!


With the bad, comes the good, and I am a big fan of HBK's work. Always have been. I also got into Cryme Tyme's off again, on again push that I believed would last longer than it did. I enjoy Rey Mysterio flying around the ring until the next time he tears something off the bone. And I was psyched to see Ken Kennedy return this week until the next time HE tears something off the bone. I'm ecstatic about the IC title 1 contender tournament because that is an old school piece of booking that could actually make the fans care about the IC belt again. What if the IC title actually becomes a springboard for midcard talent again? GASP! Seriously, if you think about it, CM Punk has gone in reverse order from past World Champions. He's literally working his way down the ladder. I wouldn't be surprised if they put the Hardcore Title on him by next year. Oh wait, he was already ECW Champ (by default!!!).

Do I have any remedies for RAW? Book it more like Smackdown!!!!

SMACKDOWN is FULL OF BEARDED, FACE PAINTED GOODNESS!!!

Fantastic!!!


The smile on my face is still bright and shiny after the return of the Rated R Superstar, Edge, at the Survivor Series. The main event scene is now a wet dream of greatness with Triple H, Jeff Hardy, Edge, and Vladamir Koz.........well 3 out of 4 ain't bad. Plus, there's always the Big Show and the Undertaker we can toss in there just to keep things interesting. I'm still in shock that Kozlov made it into the top spot pool without an extended feud with the Taker...

OLD MAN RANT FROM A 27 YEAR OLD!!!
Back in my day, a man had to feud with the Undertaker for 3, maybe 8 months before he got a shot at the top gold. Why he had to go through casket matches, buried alive matches, hells in the cells, oh maybe even an inferno match before he even got to sniff the champ's BVD's!!! This great big Russian thinks he can come in here and headbutt people like he's the Russian words for "cock of the walk". Well there's only one cock around here, and that's the champ! And um...oh I'm sleepy now.

Besides all the face painting and vest wearing, Smackdown has the better midcard in the WWE Uni....I'm not calling it that because it's so fucking stupid. Let's call the WWE fans....the WWE Empire. Yeah, that has a nice ring to it. Smackdown has the better midcard in the WWE Empire with Shelton Benjamin leading the way as US champ, The Flying Puerto Ricans as Tag Champs, and a guy in a pop up bubble named after a strong storm. I think it's a bit weird that they didn't throw the US Title on R-Truth for a short run before dropping it back to Benjamin. It's like "OK, this guy couldn't win the US Title. Oh look, he's gone.". Also, the Flying Puerto Ricans quickly went from strong champs to midcard fodder, but I still love watching them work. Word is these two are a little too preoccupied with Diva trim, but hey, who isn't? WWE brass should be happy no one has woken up with a dead hooker problem yet. Last time that happened, Bret Hart ended up in WCW. Wait, no, last time that happened, Christian Cage ended up in TNA. Those silly Canadians. They just can't keep a hooker alive.

Another wildly awesome part of Smackdown right now is "The Man with a Plan" The Brian Kendrick and his bodyguard, Big Ezekiel "Don't Call Me Lashley" Jackson. Oh, if Big Zeke had a baby voice, our podcast would never run out of material. Of course, we never do run out of material because we podcast sporadically, but I digress. Kendrick has always been a talented performer, but now he has a gimmick to go with it. Granted, it's not a great gimmick, but Paul London is jobless, so it's a gimmick none-the-less. The problem with Kendrick is they have to pull the trigger on him one way or the other. He should have been knee deep in a US Title feud right now, but we have a heel champ there. He should've nabbed the tag straps by now, which it seemed he was on the verge of doing, but that's stalled for the moment. So what do we do with him? There's the inevitable split with Big Zeke down the road, but both of them have to cut some actual promos to give their respective characters some depth. As Stormy the Redneck said, does Koko B. Ware know Kendrick stole the Birdman Dance? I'm just saying. A guy can act cocky, dance cocky, and have a big black cocky by his side, but if you really want people to hate him he has to TALK.

Never forget the Birdman.


Last and probably least on Smack to the Down, it's MVP and the Great Khali in the single worst idea for a feud EVER. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. The Great Khali is a fucking face. A fat chick kissing face. He's pretty much WCW Mike Awesome circa 2000. El Horrible. It's a bad enough a talented performer like MVP is stuck in that dreck, but the whole losing streak gimmick is horrid. This is a guy that when we started the Empire Hardcore Podcast back in March, predicted could main event a Wrestlemania within 24 months. Now? Yeah, he'll be lucky to be on Wrestlemania in 24 months. Honestly, I'd like to see MVP moved over to ECW for another round of feuding with Matt Hardy. ECW is becoming stale very slowly at the top of the card, and one more big name player couldn't hurt the show. Oh hold on....

ECW IS SWAGGER-TASTIC
Matt Hardy has made ECW a great show again. Evan Bourne was helping out too until he got all jumpy and spinny and broke his ankle. Has Paul London taught us nothing?! With Finlay and Horny creeping around the top of the heap in ECW, the show has become less of a joke, and more of the Midcard Show. I also enjoy that WWE developmental talent get to cut their teeth on a national TV show without stinking up RAW and Smackdown with crappy gimmicks (see Gabriel, DJ). So if an MVP, or an R-Truth spent a little time on ECW trying to grab the Second Place Title, the show would benefit. I'd also really like to see an extended Matt Hardy vs. The Miz feud on ECW in a storyline where the Miz wants to equal John Morrison's accomplishments. They could set this storyline up with one promo or one episode of the Dirt Sheet. Simplicity!

Should say "Stronger than Second Place".


Jack Swagger is going to be a big time star in WWE. There, I said it. He's got an unpolished, Randy Orton appeal to him, but I mean that in a good way. Like I hope Jack Swagger never puts a ho through a hotel wall. And stay off motorcycles!!! Swagger's recent run with Tommy "Put 'Em Over" Dreamer was quaint, but not the thing that superstars are made of. I also think it's a little premature to give Swagger a run at Matt Hardy. I'd love to see Swagger have a short run with Finlay, make some midget jokes, eat a few tadpole splashes, and THEN go after Big Matt. My reason for saying Swagger is a future top guy is his um...swagger. He's got a real asshole personality and it comes across very well on camera. He's a little dead behind the eyes, but he can work on that. Guys who really think their shit doesn't stink in real life, make great wrestling heels. It's a proven formula.

Stole Ryan Daniels' gimmick right out from under him.


TNA: NITRO + THUNDER + SATURDAY NIGHT
I didn't watch Impact this week, but I did record it and I will watch it. I'm not going to go into a rant about how TNA is mirroring WCW and the booking is stale and short sighted. I'm going to say this. I like watching AJ Styles and Samoa Joe. I love watching AJ Styles and Samoa Joe. However, just watching them wrestle does nothing for TV ratings, ticket sales, and merchandise sales. Treating them as secondary to legends in the business does not increase ratings, merch, or tix sales either. TNA's biggest problem is that they can't think outside the box and/or see the big picture. Instead of taking risks, hiring writers with fresh ideas, and letting their amazing roster be amazing, they're satisfied with cookie cutter booking and 1.1 ratings.

Until they realize this, I'm not going to overly criticize them for the faults because in their collective minds, there aren't any faults. Everything is just peachy.

Being a spokesman for Red Bull probably pays better.


COLUMN FEATURE: THE DEAD PUSH
In conjunction with the name of the column, each week I'm going to pick a wrestler past, present, or um..future that has seen their push halted, killed, pissed on, pooped ..ped, OR nixed. This week's wrestler, no surprise to Empire Hardcore Podcast fans, is Kevin "Mordecai or Vampire" Thorne. Oh, sweet, sweet, Kevin Thorne. After a failed push attempt as Mordecai, Kevin Thorne reemerged as a vampire during WWECW's early days. He would be paired with softcore lesbian fetish pornstar/militant Latina Shelly "Ariel" Martinez. The two wouldn't suck any blood, pop out of coffins, or get over with fans. Kevin would wrestle one match on ECW after the failed vampire gimmick as um...Kevin Thorne. Last we heard, he's still down in FCW honing his craft and hoping for a call back to the main roster. I'm surprised he hasn't been released yet. If his push hadn't been squashed by the powers that be, Kevin Thorne might still be on ECW teaming with the Boogeyman, fighting the fighting Irishman Finlay, or sucking um...just sucking.

So here's to you Kevin Thorne, the initial DEAD PUSH OF THE WEEK!!!

Poor bastard.


THE 11:05PMWell that ends the first offering of "The Dead Push". I hope to make this a weekly column here at EmpireHardcore.com. Be sure to check out my latest "Verbal Submission" at 411Mania.com every Tuesday and reposted here Wednesday or Thursday. I have comments disabled here on the old blog because we had an issue with spammers earlier this year, and it was hellacious. So if you want to comment, feel free to sign up at the EmpireHardcore.com Message Board and make your voice heard. When you sign-up, it has to be verified via email so be patient! You can also send me an email at chris@empirehardcore.com. So until next week, try not to punch any babies.

Kick. Punch. It's all in the mind.

-CPR

After an awful headache sidelined my usual writing schedule, get ready for a jam packed, slightly shortened version of the Verbal Submission. With no shows to look forward to or review, this column is jelly packed with some fresh thoughts on the latest news. We got Jon Fitch's contractual merry-go-round, Chuck Liddell getting a new opponent every other day, Fedor being Fedor, and a little Brock/Kimbo comparison. If you like Ariel Helwani interviews, you'll love this column. How does this guy get all this talk time with top fighters? Who is he sleeping with? Can I sleep with the same people? For instant gratification, scroll down to the Urijah Faber pictures. That guy is MY hero. Here we go!

She'll take your picture. He'll take your soul.


FITCHIN' AND MOANIN': JUST SIGN YOUR LIFE AWAY!
The big story from this past week is the Jon Fitch debacle in UFC land. For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, which means you didn't visit any MMA site in the last week, Jon Fitch was briefly released from the UFC after he refused to sign a deal to use his likeness in UFC video games FOREVER. Fitch eventually reconciled with UFC head honcho Lorenzo Fertitta, but not before Dana White went on a Canadian radio show (figures) and bashed Fitch, American Kickboxing Academy, and Zinkin Entertainment. Not only was Dana White hopping mad at Fitch, but at other AKA fighters who were also on the brink of being jobless.

I want to know how this story ever leaked into the "MMA media". It's almost a non-news story. Fitch and his management balked at a lifetime likeness rights contract for video games. Dana White got pissed. Lorenzo steps in and smooths it all out. Who cares? Of course the UFC haters out there utilized this new info-nugget to bash Dana White, call him a hot head, and make some rude comments about his mother. Uncalled for! Personally, and as a fan, I don't see the problem with the lifetime contract situation if it was solely focused on likeness within a video game. Do you really think there's going to be another competitor to the UFC that has a video game out anytime soon? In Fitch's case, are you that worried that your family won't get a small amount of cash from video game kickbacks in the event of your untimely demise? Seriously? Fitch is a top welterweight and probably will be for some time even though his attempt to capture the championship fell short. Why would you sacrifice a top spot in the number one company in the sport on the off chance you end up with Affliction or Strikeforce and they manage to fellatio their way into a video game deal? It doesn't make sense.

At least their was one voice of reason in this whole fiasco and that man is Mike Swick. Even though he had a lucrative offer to appear in Swick the Hedgehog, Mike Swick stuck with the UFC and personally called Dana White to inform him that he'll sign anything. If the UFC needs Mike Swick to sign away his likeness for UFC coffee mugs, UFC Pez dispensers, or UFC teeth whitening strips, he's totally down. Seriously though, before people start screaming "unionize the fighters!", they need to look at the unions in boxing and pro wrestling. Wait. There are none! In the future, I hope stories like this don't leak out to the gossip hungry MMA journalists out there because they're silly. Look at what happened to the last guy that wouldn't sign something the UFC wanted him to. He got his face caved in by Brock Lesnar.

Ariel "Not the Little Mermaid" Helwani gets the scoop!


ANDERSON SILVA, CHUCK LIDDELL, RANDY COUTURE: WHO'S FIGHTING WHO?
The weekend rumor mill was milling this weekend and a good chunk of it came from a British newspaper. Then BloodyElbow.com claimed they had the story first. Really? I would hope so because how are British newspapers getting all the choice UFC rumors and we get Jon Fitch complaining about Wii related issues. The constantly changing "Who's fighting Chuck?" rumors have shifted from Anderson Silva to former heavyweight champion and 3-time Liddell opponent, Randy Couture. The event could headline the first UFC event from Germany. Say what?

I've got a pretty good idea what Randy vs. Chuck IV will look like.


Now I don't know who wants to see this fight, but I sure as hell don't. The story also has the fight happening at heavyweight with the winner getting a shot at the heavyweight title. So if Chuck beats Randy again (and why wouldn't he), are we setting up Chuck Liddell for a run at the UFC heavyweight title? Is Brock Lesnar just going to be force fed UFC hall of famers until he's obliterated all the past top draws? I'd be much more inclined to see the previously rumored Anderson Silva vs. Chuck Liddell match-up due to the superb striking abilities of both men. If anyone can knock out Anderson Silva, it's Chuck Liddell. I think Chuck might also be able to nullify Anderson's ability in the clinch, but I'm sure most will disagree with that.

The new rumor for the Spider is that he will face one of four men at 205: Forrest Griffin, Rashad Evans, Rampage Jackson, or Wanderlei Silva. Basically, he'll face whoever loses at Ultimate 2008, but still comes out of their fight without being annihilated. Frankly, I'm not excited for any of those fights. I don't see the Spider having a problem with Evans or Griffin. A fight with Rampage would probably end up on the ground. A Silva vs. Silva fight would be intriguing, but I think Anderson's speed and precision would nullify Wanderlei's striking style. The thought process behind any future Anderson Silva match-up is going to focus on if that fight will garner the most PPV buys. Despite Silva being touted as the 1 fighter in the world, he still doesn't grab the cash in the PPV market. Why would he? No one thought Patrick Cote stood a chance in their fight. His fight with James Irvin was on free TV before that. If they really want to maximize the amount of eye balls on the Spider, a fight with Chuck Liddell would do the trick. Two of the most feared strikers in history going toe to toe and seeing whose chin is better. If Liddell loses, he's pretty much done so it's a win-win!

STRIKEFORCE: COUTURE WINS! COUTURE WINS! (it's just not the same)
Kim Couture saw her MMA record even out at 1-1 after her first round win at StrikeForce: Destruction this weekend. Couture dominated some Russian broad whose name is irrelevant after her Starnes-ish tactics in the cage. Watching that fight it's like no one told her she might get hit in the head and/or face. For Couture, I'm sure she's happy just to walk out of the cage with her facial features intact, but the win is nice too. Women's MMA can always use another superstar and Kim Couture is already halfway there thanks to her last name. She really is the Anna Nicole Smith of MMA. Too soon?

I love her. I can't remember her name at this moment, but I love her. Where are we?


The Strikeforce event also saw Scott Smith introduce Terry Martin's face to the canvas with a brutal first round KO. Every time I see Terry Martin he's getting knocked out in dramatic fashion. He should put together a DVD compilation of his losses because that thing would sell. I hope Smith continues to find success with Strikeforce because I doubt he'll ever be back in the UFC unless he puts together a string of really impressive victories. As for Terry Martin, can't wait to see your next stunning loss! The only problem with Smith's success in Strikeforce is that current middleweight champ Cung Le is off doing movies and doesn't seem entirely interested in returning to fighting soon. So if Smith does manage to pick up a few more wins, the biggest fight he can hope for is a match-up with Frank Shamrock. Nobody wants that! Also, former EliteXC middleweight champ Robbie Lawler could always end up in Strikeforce, but I doubt anyone wants to see Lawler/Smith III.

Mort Goldberg's 2nd Most Important Jew, Ariel Helwani, gets a sweet post fight interview with Scott Smith.


The other big news from the event, besides "Big" Jon McCarthy returning to refereeing, is Renato "Babalu" Sobral's championship victory over Bobby Southworth. I've gone on record before in saying that championships shouldn't change hands if a fight goes the full five rounds, but I know that'll never happen. However, I truly believe a championship should never, EVER change hands on a cut. Southworth wasn't knocked out and he didn't submit. He basically had his championship taken away because his face opened up like a Thanksgiving Day turkey. (Obligatory holiday reference! Yeah!) Why not just give Babalu the win and build some drama for the rematch? You already know that Southworth is going to get a rematch because how many top 205'ers does Strikeforce have anyway?I looked at their roster. I couldn't find any. With the win, Babalu did what any new champion would do, he called out Tito Ortiz. Too bad Tito would ask for a billion dollars and stock in NBC to fight for Strikeforce, but hey, that's Tito!

Tito may be having twins, but Urijah is having TWINS! Ok, they're not twins, but DAMN!


JAKE SHIELDS: I WANNA FIGHT THE BEST OF THE BEST OF THE BEST
According to former EliteXC welterweight champ Jake Shields, Jake Shields is a free man. Whether or not California state law agrees with him remains to be seen, but let's hope he's correct. Jake Shields is widely considered one of the top ten welterweights in the world, and even during his tenure with EliteXC he would mention his hopes of facing UFC fighters. Shields is currently riding an 11 fight win streak, and the rest of his resume reads fairly impressive. According to this official website, Jake holds victories over Jon Fitch and Diego Sanchez in submission/grappling tournaments, which of course are not technically MMA. If the UFC does snatch up Jake Shields, there is plenty of competition for him and he'll probably debut against a top guy. Having Jake Shields fight a guy not near the top of the mix at 170 would be silly.

Ideally I would love to see Shields debut against Diego Sanchez and some of the message boards I frequent agree. Diego has been on the verge of greatness at 170 for quite a while, but something always seems to deter his success. His recent rib injury forced him out of a 1 contender fight with Thiago Alves, which would have been an explosive stand-up war. The added bonus to a potential Sanchez vs. Shields fight is revenge factor that I'm sure Diego would have considering Shields lists Diego as a defeated opponent. I've read that people think stylistically this wouldn't be the best fight because Shields' stand-up game is questionable, so he would try to take the fight to the ground. I've never seen Sanchez have too much trouble on the ground, and I believe his striking is superior to Shields. Either way, this fight could headline a UFC Fight Night and have no problem garnering a nice rating.

Another possibility for Shields is heading to the WEC to clash with their 1 welterweight, Carlos Condit. Condit dropped a fight to Shields in 2006 by unanimous decision, and I'm sure he would want to avenge that loss. Plus, people are constantly questioning the validity of the welterweight division in the WEC and crying for Carlos to shift over to the UFC. This fight would be better from a style standpoint because both guys like to take fights to the ground and work submissions, so fans of that type of fight would rejoice. If a Condit/Shields fight was set up so the winner glides into the UFC, I think both guys would sign the dotted line right away.

Other possible match-ups for Shields include Josh Koscheck, Karo "Horrible" Paryisan, or even Jon Fitch. Shields needs to make an impact as soon as he enters the Octagon to validate his dominance in EliteXC. I'm not saying Jake Shields is going to walk into the UFC and dominate at 170, but it's always nice to see where a guy like this stacks up against the world's best. At least Dana won't make him go on the Ultimate Fighter first! (fingers crossed)

Jake Shields doesn't have any wacky pictures from UFC after parties yet. But Mike Goldberg does!


FEDOR'S SAMBONER
It's hilarious to me that the people that manage Fedor (Monte Cox) allow him to compete in martial arts tournaments where he could possibly injure himself and ruin his chance to cement himself as the world's best fighter. How does fighting sambo benefit Fedor in any way, especially when he openly states he just does it for fun? His recent loss stirred up a thimble full of controversy at best, which is good because that loss means squat. People blamed it on his recent movie work cutting into his Sambo training time.

It seems to me though that he may not be taking his upcoming fight with Andre Arlovski too seriously. Risky sambo tournaments for giggles. Movie roles. This is a guy who clearly doesn't have a very strong passion for fighting anymore. He's more worried about his hobbies than defending the big gold belt around his waist. He's more concerned with rolling out a reality show to find someone for him to personally train then slaughter. I hope he is taking Andre Arlovski seriously because he looked great during his last fight on CBS, and may be the man to finally smash the Fedor myth.

The best part of the week in Fedoria came in the form of his public calling out of new UFC heavyweight champion, Brock Lesnar. What a plan this is! Let's call out the guy that just bashed Randy's skull in so Fedor looks like a hard ass, and the UFC looks like a bunch of meanies protecting their new top guy. Ego feed much? Everyone knows this fight will never happen! So to recap, Fedor is more concerned with sambo, movie roles, his reality show, and Brock Lesnar, then he is with Andre Arlovski. Maybe the "Day of Reckoning" title for Affliction's next show is more fitting than we realized?

Watch Fedor lose in amazingly low quality!!!


BROCK vs. KIMBO: WHO IS LEAST DESERVING?
So several message boards I lurk around were debating the meteoric rises of Brock Lesnar and Kimbo Slice. I agree that both Brock and Kimbo had similar ascensions to the top of the ladder, but Brock's amateur wrestling background trumps Kimbo's backyard brawls any day. In this severely fictional comparison, I'll attempt to figure out what else these superstar fighters have in common, or what differentiates them from each other. It's going to be a hoot.

BIG WINS

Brock: With victories over Randy Couture, Heath Herring, and an abnormally large Korean, Brock is CLEARLY the top heavyweight in mixed martial arts today. If he continues at this pace, he'll have wins over Frank Mir, Mark Coleman, and the Great Khali by the end of 2009.

Dropping down to 205 to face Shogun. Dropping down to about 125 for a piece of that A........


Kimbo: With victories over James Thompson, Tank Abbott, and Bo Cantrell, Kimbo Slice has CLEARLY had at least three professional fights. If he continues that pace, (which is virtually impossible without a contract with an existing promotion) he'll probably end up fighting on YouTube Live within six months.

BIG LOSSES

Brock: Brock's lone loss came via submission to Frank "Got 'em Right Where I Want 'em" Mir in his first UFC fight. Brock dominated the majority of the fight before an errant shot to the back of the head caused a pause in the action. Most MMA pundits agree that if Brock had trained just five minutes in leg submission defense, he could've avoided that loss. Just five minutes.

Kimbo: Kimbo's lone loss came via hilarious irony in just 14 seconds to Seth "Have you forgotten me yet?" Petruzelli. Here's some other things that can happen in 14 seconds: an embarrassingly short conclusion to love making, chugging a Pabst Blue Ribbon, or getting knocked out by James Irvin. If you can accomplish all three in one evening, you've impressed me.

FIGHTING BACKGROUND

Brock: Brock was NCAA heavyweight division champion in wrestling back in 2000. He then went on to be the WWE wrestling champion in 2002. In 2008, Brock became UFC heavyweight champion. So to be clear, a combination of amateur wrestling ability, defeating the Rock, having large penis-esque swords on your chest, and having a hot 40 something wife will ALWAYS lead to a successful MMA career.

Kimbo: Kimbo became famous and/or infamous for his knockouts in backyard fights on YouTube. The millions of people who watched him on the web followed him to CBS for his MMA coming out party. Those millions of people were then witness to Kimbo losing his first MMA fight, and in turn, taking away jobs from dozens of other fighters. Well at least Scott Smith found work. Poor Kimbo.

A fan til death...which shouldn't be far off for this guy.


END OF THE THIRD ROUND
That ends another loved or hated edition of "The Verbal Submission". Thanks to Sherdog.com, MMAJunkie.com, CagePotato.com and CombatLifestyles.com. The lovely lady that takes the pictures at that site has the sweetest job ever! This is why I need to move to Vegas!

One last note, it appears Amir Sadollah and Nick Catone will get to fight each other after all during the Ultimate Fight Night 17 and the guy on the left is PSYCHED. (run Amir. RUN)


The Empire Hardcore Podcast was back for one week, and you can listen at Podomatic.com and on iTunes. Be sure to check out my lame video comedy on YouTube. Also, my collection of celebrity panties is here. I'll be back next Tuesday to preview the upcoming WEC show, go over the new list of potential Liddell opponents, and discuss the ramifications of increased waffle production on Belgian economy. See ya!

Kick. Punch. It's all in the mind.

-CPR

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood and I am Chris Robinson, author of "The Verbal Submission". The smile on my face is ear to ear after an impressive fight card put on by the UFC this past Saturday. I'm still shocked though when I read commentary from supposed MMA fans that the show was lackluster because all the fights ended in the first round. Are there really people out there that prefer a card full of fights that all go to decision? You MMA fans are a tricky bunch to analyze, so that's probably why I've stopped trying. Anyway, today's column will give my thoughts on UFC 91, discuss the peculiar comings and goings within Affliction, and a TUF golden shower (ew) . Also, I make my plea to ESPN to stop the shenanigans, and put MMA LIVE on actual television. You know you want to! Why else would you send the MMA LIVE crew to Las Vegas to cover UFC 91 live? HUH? Yeah. Here we go.

The prizes inside the cereal boxes in Japan are definitely better than ours.


UFC 91: EVERYONE WANTED TO END THEIR FIGHT QUICKLY SO THEY COULD WATCH LESNAR VS. COUTURE
UFC 91 will be remembered not only for the significance of the main event, but for being one of the most action packed fight cards of the year. Submissions and TKO's ruled the night, and the one fight that went to decision was a three round war that won Fight of the Night honors. Anyone who doubted the caliber of the match-ups on this card is eating crow now, and I'll admit I was one of them. In my UFC 91 review, I'm not going to go in depth, round by round, because that's for other writers who want to recap every punch, guard pass, and blocked shot. Let's talk about what the future holds for the nights winners and losers as 2009 descends on the UFC.

THE AWARDS

Submission of the Night went to Dustin Hazelett who used a sweet looking omoplata into an armbar submission. Hazelett is trying to move up the welterweight ranks with his slick submissions, but I'm not sure how far he'll get. The welterweight division is filled with more well rounded fighters and precision strikers. He's currently 5-2 in the UFC, so he'll really have to pick up some big wins over tougher opponents.

KO of the Night went to Jeremy Stephens for the sickest slow motion uppercut I've ever seen. It looked sweet in real time also. Stephens moved to 3-2 in the UFC, but in the 155 division he's still got a ways to go. This highlight reel knockout should up his stock a little and maybe get him on main card at a Fight Night. I was also impressed by his opponent, Rafael dos Anjos (which I've been told does not mean Two Anjos. Weird.)

Fight of the Night went to Aaron Riley and Jorge Gurgel, which as Joe Rogan stated 345 times during the fight, was a brawl. I loved the irony of Gurgel wearing his black belt around his neck after the fight. Rogan couldn't have been more right during the fight in his annoyance that Gurgel never uses his ground skills in a fight. You can slug it out with anybody. We get it. You know what else is fun? Winning fights.

The real prize for KO of the Night.


THE UNDERCARD

Demian Maia is a beast on the ground. There's no question there. His jiu-jitsu game is as dangerous as anybody in the UFC, and I dare say he might be the most dangerous. I will give his stand-up game the stink eye however because I doubt highly that he is the total package as a fighter. The whispers are already beginning that Maia is just one or two wins away from a date with Anderson Silva. The straight rumors are that Maia is yet another candidate for head coach on the next season of the Ultimate Fighter. Dana White has publicly stated the Team USA vs. Team UK format is not to his liking, and both Rich Franklin and Dan Henderson have made it known they're not too psyched about the potential gig.

So that leaves us with a potential Team Maia vs. Team Bisping match-up. If that occurs, we have potential assistant coaches such as Rampage Jackson and Wanderlei Silva. I'm sold! The middleweight division lacks marquee match-ups thanks to Anderson Silva walking thru the top contenders, Franklin and Henderson moving to 205, and the general lack of top middleweight talent. The proper build-up to a number one contender fight between Maia and Bisping is money. Bisping has never been tested against a fighter with a ground game like Maia. I doubt highly that Maia will shift from his "pull guard/submit the guy" strategy, so Bisping is in for a fun night. Bottom line, Demian Maia made it known that he is a force to be reckoned with at 185, and he's not someone to be taken lightly.

While surfing around for some post fight punditry on Sunday, I ran across several articles and message board postings saying that Gabe Gonzaga is back! Really? His victory over Josh Hendricks was impressive, but I doubt Gonzaga will ever be more than a filler opponent for whoever is holding the strap at heavyweight. He's going to slip quite nicely into the spot of gatekeeper that Assuerio Silva held most recently. I can see Gonzaga getting a match-up with the loser from the upcoming Mir/Nogueira fight, but a possible future fight against Lesnar does nothing for me. We're talking about a guy who's dropped fights to Couture, and Fabricio "Thanks for coming" Werdum. The UFC will probably be more concerned with pushing up and comers Shane Carwin and Cain Velasquez, then trying to utilize Gonzaga as a top draw again. At least he'll always have that Cro Cop highlight on his reel.

Totally ready for Gonzaga.


KENFLO VS. DADDY

The loser of this fight has to get a new nickname right? After watching this fight it's clear that the Joe Stevenson era is over. I know. I know. It's sad, but true. Kenny Florian is riding a six fight win streak into his second career title shot now. The big upside for Kenny is that by the time he sets foot in the cage with BJ Penn, BJ could be wearing two belts. If that's not an incentive to train your ass off, I don't know what is. As far as top 155'ers go, there's no one else for Kenny to plow through in the UFC except for a possible rematch with Sean Sherk. When I say "top 155'ers", I'm basing that off my own opinions as well as rankings from top MMA news sites. I've never been a big Joe Stevenson fan just because he seems to run his mouth and never be able to back it up. This is a guy who got obliterated by BJ Penn, but then says Florian isn't as tough as Jens Pulver. That's some ballsy trash talk. After his quick as hell choke out at UFC 91, it's time for "Daddy" to keep the trap shut until he starts picking up some wins.

Just because.


COUTURE VS. LESNAR

Let's talk about Couture vs. Lesnar. Hearing Lesnar get booed at the weigh-ins, during his entrance, and after he won the fight is just mind bottling. Are UFC/MMA fans still that upset that a former pro wrestler is rising up the heavyweight ranks, or do they just really have a stiff one for Randy Couture? The problem with the majority of MMA fans, or at least the ones that know how to use a keyboard and mouse, is that they take the sport too seriously. Every time I talk to one of my friends or co-workers that casually follows the UFC, they all say the same thing, "Does Brock deserve a title shot in his fourth pro fight?". Then I politely remind them that Randy Couture got his first title shot in his fourth pro fight. There's this common thought process that a guy has to win a dozen fights all over the world then come to the UFC and win five or six more. The truth of the matter is that the UFC borrows elements from boxing and pro wrestling when it's promoting certain fights. If Brock Lesnar's name value draws dollars, then Brock Lesnar will get big fights. Why do you think Kimbo Slice headlined two of the first three MMA cards on primetime network television? The difference between Kimbo and Brock is that Brock has an awesome wrestling base, a freakish set of chromosomes, and the ability to absorb MMA knowledge like a sponge made by NASA. Brock has talent. Kimbo doesn't. It's simple.

Did you swallow Tim Sylvia?


So I hope that in the future, MMA fans begin to embrace Brock for his sheer dominance, and his badass attitude. He may come across as a "heel" (that's bad guy for the pro wrestling haters), but he's just a guy who was given a chance based off past success. The UFC is going after the wallet of the same WWE fans that fork over $40 a month to watch the John Cena's and Triple H's of the world. At the end of the day, it's two guys in a ring or a cage, fighting. Whether that fighting has a predetermined outcome, or an unpredictable outcome, it's what guys like to watch.

Can't we all just get along?

Up next for Mr. Lesnar will be the winner of Mir vs. Nogueira, and I for one am hoping that Nogueira pulls this one out. I know everyone wants to see Mir vs. Lesnar II, but I'm not too psyched about it. For one thing, seeing Frank Mir's smugness last night after the Couture/Lesnar battle was ridiculous.

"Well, I'm the only guy who's beaten the new champ." - Mir

Just shut up. Mir is just upset because now if he beats Nogueira he's well aware of the smashing that Lesnar laid on him in their first fight. He also knows that he'll never catch Lesnar in a submission that easily again so he'll have to stand and trade with Brock. Mir is also upset because if he beats Nogueira and Couture consecutively, he gets to walk around claiming he's one of the top heavyweights in UFC history. So everything is not currently coming up "Millhouse" for Frank Mir. A Nogueira/Lesnar is much more intriguing because of Nogueira's ability on the ground and his recovery rate is inhuman. As we saw on Saturday, recovering from a solid fist to the face from Brock Lesnar isn't a rapid process. Brock will look to do what apparently he always does. Play it safe in the first round. Come out aggressive in the second. Use brute strength to nullify his opponent's game plan while sticking to his own game plan. Who's going to beat this guy again?

RYAN COUTURE: THE "R" IN RYAN IS PRONOUNCED LIKE AN "H"
Well at least one Couture is winning MMA fights. Ryan Couture made his MMA debut recently inside a ring (lame) at "Fight Night Round 1" in Washington state. Couture submitted Rick Perez in a 160 pound match-up. I've got the video of the finish for you below and it is magical. It's crazy to me we're already at a point where there are second generation mixed martial artists. Beware the Ortiz twins! Beware the many unclaimed children of Kimbo Slice! Beware the mini-Bispings! Beware.



AFFLICTION: WE'RE STILL A MMA PROMOTION...sort of
So let me get this straight. Affliction had a career criminal running the clothing end of things and this guy threatens Kim Couture when she asks to see some financial figures regarding the Xtreme Couture clothing line? And now you're telling me that the clothing line and the MMA promotion are separate portions of the same company? Now that's some heavy duty damage control if I've ever seen it. I want to root for Affliction. I really do, but this kind of press is terrible with a capital T. To top it off, Golden Boy Promotions has apparently seen the light and decided not to put boxing matches on Affliction cards. They must read the interweb!

Look. Donald Trump hasn't pulled his name from the poster yet, so things aren't all bad. They're actually starting to put together an undercard for the upcoming "Day of Reckoning" event that will be headlined by Fedor(or Edor) vs. Andre Arlovski. Matt Lindland vs. Babalu, Vladamir Matyushenko vs. Antonio Rogerio Nogueira, and Chris Horodecki vs. Dan Lauzon are all quality fights that the hardcore MMA fan will be interested in seeing. The problem lies, as always, in the casual MMA fan who could really care less that Fedor is the 1 heavyweight fighter in the world. That casual fan, the one with the $50 burning a hole in his/her pocket, just saw Brock Lesnar become the 1 heavyweight fighter in the MAINSTREAM world. In about a month, their confusion will be furthered when Mir and Nogueira fight for the interim belt.

So what's a quick fix for the lack of promotional tools in Affliction's tool box? Online video like I always harp on? Sort of, but this time I'm thinking more along the lines of begging MMA LIVE to give the event full coverage. Granted, the fine folks at ESPN may already have this in the works, but if they don't it's time to get on the ball. MMA Live can't treat this as just another MMA card. They'll have to make Day of Reckoning appear to be as big as the Lesnar vs. Couture fight while trying to sow the seeds that Fedor is the top heavyweight. This will help get the casual fan interested in this Fedor guy they keep hearing about, plus it will introduce them to this roster of fighters that the hardcore MMA fans already know, love, or tolerate.

So Affliction, huddle up real close to the monitor when you read this. Don't end up like EliteXC. Cut ties with anymore Todd Beards that may be lurking within your company. Don't put on boxing matches even if KJ Noons asks real nice. That is all.

Only 60+ days to go!


AN OPEN LETTER TO ESPN


Dear dirty Red Sox loving ESPN corporate honchos,

Over the past few months, MMA LIVE on ESPN.com has developed into a great source for MMA knowledge despite the grade school education of Franklin McNeill. On the other hand, Jon Anik and Kenny Florian are great hosts and if Jeff Sherwood didn't have man boobs I'm sure he would make a better addition to the three man team. Even fill-ins like Stephan Bonnar are better than McNeill. Hell, I'd rather have Tim McCarver in there and that's saying something.

I understand that you have a packed broadcast schedule with ratings juggernauts like PBA bowling, pro drag racing, and women's tennis. I would hope that you could find 30 minutes each week on ESPN, ESPN 2, ESPN News, ESPN Classic, or ESPN 2MUCH, for the fine folks at MMA LIVE to deliver the goods. The coverage isn't just limited to the UFC universe although I'm sure you'll receive a dead fish wrapped in Roger Huerta's shorts if you give excessive coverage to Strikeforce or Affliction in the future. The MMA how-to videos without a formal warning to viewers is also a great way to get fans and their lawyers interested in the show. Have I mentioned Jon Anik does a great job?

I don't want to see another channel get the jump on you and deliver similar top notch MMA coverage. I'm very scared FOX Sports will give a similar show to that midget Jay Glazer and Frank Trigg. Frank Trigg is Kurt Angle's doppleganger. I have the proof. Also, as much as I love INSIDE MMA with Bas Rutten and Kenny Rice, I don't get HDNET and therefore I'm forced to watch on the internet. It's hard to fit so many MMA web shows in between the hours of circus pornography I watch on a daily basis.

What I'm really trying to say is that MMA LIVE is good for the sport and good for the fans. If more people are exposed to MMA on a legit sports network like ESPN, the arguments about the sport's legitimacy will fade, and it could lead to more states legalizing and regulating the sport. For instance, New York might get so excited about MMA LIVE that they'll have Franklin McNeill Day. I don't know if he's from New York, but you can never have enough holidays honoring people with special needs.

So please ESPN, put MMA LIVE on television, or for the love of Baroni give people the option to watch it in full screen. What is this 2005? Thank you for your time, and long live professional lacrosse.

-CPR

The Tim McCarver of MMA.


THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER: URINE FREE FOR 7 DAYS...barely
All jokes aside, they need to put a TV in the TUF house next season. After reading a report on MMAjunkie.com, apparently urine became the drink of choice at the TUF house more times than sanity should allow. It's also surprising that Junie Browning had nothing to do with it. I can just see him screaming around the house, "I'm the greatest piss drinker of all time! No one can drink more piss than me! Ya'll a bunch of boring ass pissers! ". The urine sippers turned out to be Dave Kaplan and Tom Lawlor who now officially have several screws loose. It seems the atmosphere took a "prison style" turn and luckily SpikeTV spared us the more severe antics. I'm honestly nervous that next season it's going to spill into Oz territory and we'll have some shower rapes or something.

I still believe that the teams should be in separate houses, be allowed to watch DVDs of PRIDE, WEC, and UFC events, and be banned from drinking bodily fluids. Am I alone on this? Think of all the great drinking games you can play while listening to Joe Rogan's delightful commentary. Every time Mike Goldberg says "It's alllllll over", you take a shot. Every time a Greg Jackson fighter tweeks his nipples, you down a beer. The fun is endless and the best part is no one tries to drink milk out of a man's breast. It could happen!

I've actually enjoyed this season of TUF despite the shenanigans. There are some quality fighters like Phillipe Nover and Krzysztof Soszynski. Nogueira and Stanky are always enjoyable. Frank Mir is a douche. What more could you ask for?

You swear that's not pee?


PRO ELITE: THE MMA FLEA MARKET IS OFF
When I first heard about this asset auction, I thought of Cleveland from Family Guy, in his auctioneer days, trying to get a high bidder for Kimbo Slice's contract. That's how my mind works.

How the EliteXC fighters must feel.


Luckily, cooler heads at Showtime have prevailed and this farce won't happen. I honestly hope that Showtime is thinking of continuing on with MMA promotion, just not with the brainiacs at ProElite. They should rework the contracts of their fighters so that they're all non-exclusive deals, like Scott Smith's contract. Then if and when Showtime gets back in the MMA game they still have a decent stable of fighters. Speaking of Scott Smith, he'll be facing Terry Martin at Strikeforce's next show because his contract was non-exclusive. That guy has a smart agent.

Of course, in a perfect world the fighters of EliteXC would be released from their contracts so they could fight elsewhere, but I've beaten that point to death. I really just used this news story to show a Family Guy clip.

END OF THE THIRD ROUND
That ends another well paced edition of "The Verbal Submission". Thanks to Sherdog.com, MMAJunkie.com, CagePotato.com and MMAfightgirls.com. No time for the "News that broke after I wrote the bulk of this column". I did see that Liddell and Silva is now a much stronger rumor than it was before. Hooray! The fine writers at 411Mania continue to bring the goods though so make sure to check out Jeremy Lambert, Adam Tool, Bren Oliver, TBerg, Dustin James, and all the other writers whose names escape me.

The Empire Hardcore Podcast is back, finally, and you can listen at Podomatic.com and on iTunes. Be sure to check out my latest comedic endeavors on YouTube. Also, my personal FBI profile is here. I'll return next Tuesday with musings on President-Elect Obama's plan to replace sand on beaches with kitty litter so that in turn, we can develop sand powered cars. The man has a vision.

Kick. Punch. It's all in the mind.

-CPR

The MMA train keeps rolling and on November 15th it pulls into the station at the MGM Grand for the "biggest fight ever" between Brock Lesnar and Randy Couture. I use the quotes because the magnitude of the fight is very open to personal opinion. In today's Verbal Submission, I'll be previewing the televised card for UFC 91, plus I'll review all the latest news that's stanking up the MMA universe. There's Tito Ortiz making believe he's still relevant, WEC 36 ruling hard, another big name whispering about a comeback, and two broads want to tango for some lucky promotion. So sit back, relax your eyes, relax your mind, and just enjoy my thought provoking nonsense. Remember, it's just a MMA column. No reason to get your panties in a bunch because of little old me.

You...smell...beautiful...bro...


NEWS THAT BROKE AFTER I WROTE THE BULK OF THIS COLUMN!!!
It's my favorite section of the column. Basically I write the bulk of the column over the weekend, then on Monday night I post it here at 411Mania. I like to throw in some Monday news bits though, so I'm as current as humanly possible. Got it?

WERDUMED!

Fabricio Werdum is officially a former UFC heavyweight contender. Werdum was let go by the UFC today after his contract negotiation spilled into "you lost, you make less now" territory. Fortunately for Werdum, the heavyweight division outside of the UFC is thriving. I'm sure Affliction will gobble him up sooner than later. Werdum's stock definitely dropped after his shocking loss to Junior Dos Santos, but he'll still be able to make some decent scratch. Heavyweight fighters like Ben Rothwell, Roy Nelson, and Josh Barnett always need a fresh opponent, plus Werdum cut his teeth in a PRIDE ring, so being in an Affliction ring should be no biggie.

CARANO GETS NAUGHTY

Later on in this very column I'll give my thoughts on the future of Gina Carano, but this link is too good not to post right here. Apparently, there's a certain lesbian MMA fighter, Tonya Evinger, that wants to get freaky with "Crush". After looking at these photos, that freaky desire just might swing both ways. Judge for yourself here.

PROELITE: DOUCHEBAGS TO THE BITTER END

According to MMAjunkie.com, several agents that have EliteXC fighter clients got together and wrote a letter to ProElite. The letter basically states that ProElite is the worst, and there fighters' contracts shouldn't be a part of the upcoming asset auction ProElite is having. It's bad enough ProElite almost put a healthy black eye on the sport, but now there messing with the livelihood of families. Your company folded. Your fighters should instantly be freed from their contracts so they can continue to put food on the table. Let it go you douchetards! Unbelievable. It's good to see these agents band together to try and help their clients, but it's really a passing gesture at this point. Hopefully all these shenanigans get sorted out, and some talented fighters can get back to doing what they do best.

UFC 91: MUHAMMAD ALI VS. MIKE TYSON...SORT OF
I'm going to go in reverse order today and talk about the main event of UFC 91 before getting into the rest of the televised card. It's that important! Some people believe the rest of this card was kind of slapped together due to the marquee match-up at the top of the card. It still looks like a solid show to me, but what do I know?

RANDY COUTURE VS. BROCK LESNAR: UFC HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE

Randy Couture is the best heavyweight to ever step foot inside the Octagon. I didn't say the best heavyweight in MMA history. I said the best to ever fight in the Octagon a.k.a. the UFC. So calm down. Brock Lesnar in no way deserves a title shot after three professional fights. So what the hell is Dana White and Joe Silva thinking? There's no question that Brock Lesnar's superstar status coupled with his domination of Heath Herring led to this fight. Personally, I would've liked to see Couture vs. Nogueira and Mir vs. Lesnar 2 with the winners then meeting for the title. Unfortunately we have to deal with the fact that TUF coaches ALWAYS have to fight each other to end the season. I do believe that at some point we will get to see Nogueira vs. Couture, which is a match-up that has money written all over it.

Anyway, let's talk Couture vs. Lesnar. Brock Lesnar is expected to lose this fight. Randy Couture is expected to win this fight and once again overcome his age, Brock's power, blah, blah, blah. I wouldn't count Brock out so quickly. He's been training with one of the top Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu coaches in the world, Rodrigo Medeiros. Medeiros has been quoted as saying he's never seen someone absorb so much BJJ knowledge in the year he's been working with Brock. Brock has also been upping his already dominating wrestling abilities by training with two time NCAA champion, Cole Konrad. On the other side of things, Couture has been training with the Incredible Hulk, Kurt Angle, and the ghost of Danny Hodge. Danny Hodge is still alive? Wow.

Not dead. My bad.


So both fighters are in top physical form, have amazing camps, and have studied all the tape there is to study. The tape studying thing took Randy 20 minutes, tops. Where will the fight end up? Couture's strategy will involve pressing Brock up against the cage, tying him up in a clinch, throwing knees, and working some dirty boxing...for five rounds. Seriously, I doubt highly that Randy is going to want to take this to the ground for any extended period of time. He's also stated he doesn't want to stand and trade with Brock because he fears those beefy 4XL gloves meeting the lucky side of his jaw.



For Lesnar, I would imagine he would want to stand and trade with Couture until the clinching begins. Then it's time to take Captain America downtown to Lesnar-town. In other words, Brock slams Randy to the ground, and the pounding ensues. There's just no way to train for Lesnar's pure strength. Couture can roll with all the 240, 250, and 260 pound hunks of man he can find, but they don't have Brock Lesnar's superhuman strength. They just don't! Granted, Brock won't be able to hold Couture down for five rounds. Randy will squirm out, shift positions, change strategies mid-fight, whatever he needs to do to keep Brock Lesnar guessing. If Brock can stick to his game plan, stay calm, and listen to his corner, he can win this fight.



I've learned that you never bet against Randy Couture. I've also learned that Brock Lesnar is a fast learner and a rapid improver. I see this one going five rounds easily, and I see Brock Lesnar picking up a split decision. Bring on Mir or Nog.

An artist's rendering of Round 4.


KENNY FLORIAN VS. JOE STEVENSON

Why is this match happening again? Oh that's right, BJ Penn has a French Canadian bee in his bonnet with the initials GSP. Yeah, I said it, BJ Penn wears bonnets. Kenny Florian should not have to fight this fight. He's run through every opponent since his failed attempt at becoming lightweight champ at UFC 64. His domination of some Spanish guy whose name I'm not legally allowed to type at UFC 87 is just further proof that he is one of the premier lightweights in the world. Joe Stevenson is in a similar place in his MMA career to where Florian was in 2006. Stevenson lost his shot at the gold, and now has to reload and rebuild. He's coming off a submission victory over Gleison Tibau, a name that just looks like letters thrown together with no real intention to form a name. Joe "Daddy" gets to play the role of spoiler here. If he wins, Florian's sure thing title shot goes out the window. Who then gets the next shot at Penn's gold? Good question.

For Kenny Florian, everything is coming up Millhouse lately. He just opened up his own gym. He's had success as an analyst on MMA LIVE on ESPN.com. He's knocking on the front door of the 3 bedroom townhouse that is the 155 crown. He has everything to lose with this fight, but also everything to gain. With a victory, he's knocked off every top lightweight in the UFC not named Penn or Sherk. It's amazing to me that Florian is a guy that doesn't even it make into the Top 10 on Top 10 lightweight lists. Opinions really are like buttholes.

This fight will most likely go to the ground where both men are dangerous. KenFlo has his hellbows. Joe "Daddy" has power, ground and pound, and submissions. I'm a fan of both fighters, which makes this one very tough to call. I think Florian is on a hot streak right now that will lead to a title shot in early 2009, so I'm going with Kenny Florian by unanimous decision.

AMIR SADOLLAH VS. NICK CATONE

The latest TUF winner returns to the Octagon to face CB Dollaway for the third tim......Nick Catone? Thank God. I thought for a minute I'd hear Dana White ranting how Sadollah/Dollway was akin to Shamrock/Ortiz. They just keep fighting each other for no reason! I enjoyed Amir's run on TUF not just because of his fighting ability, but because of his marketable personality. The UFC knows they have a possible future crossover star in Sadollah, so expect his run in the middleweight division to move slowly. They should really take their time building Amir up so when he starts to face top competition, he has enough experience under his belt to make it count. In Nick Catone, we have a virtual unknown that is allegedly impressive. You know the guy is unknown when Sherdog doesn't even have a picture of him. Oddly enough, Catone is from my neck of the woods, good ol' Central Jersey. Jersey MMA represent! How can I bet against a kickboxing champion and fellow Jersey native? Well, I guess like this. My pick for this fight is Amir Sodollah by second round submission. Sorry Nicky. No disrespect. How ya doin'?

This is Nick Catone. Just in case you were wondering.


GABRIEL GONZAGA VS. JOSH HENDRICKS

I should bet now that if Brock Lesnar loses his fight with Couture, that Gonzaga will be his next opponent. Is it just me? I like Gonzaga. I do. He had a nice run with a big win over Cro Crop and then lost to Couture and Werdum. So now he looks to continue on the comeback trail after his recent victory over Justin McCully. Josh Hendricks is, um, how many people are making their UFC debut on this card? Seriously! According to published articles, Hendricks trains with Randy Couture and is riding a 10 fight win streak. Sorry Napao, this one is probably going Hendricks' way. I'm going with Josh Hendricks by first round submission. The guy loves chokes!

NATE QUARRY VS. DEMIAN MAIA

Now we're talking! Maia gets me excited in good way with his destructive submission game. Nate Quarry, protect ya neck. I'm just saying. The only way Quarry wins this fight is if he somehow keeps the fight standing and knocks Maia out. I don't see it happening. Maia is slick, slippery, and seductive on the ground. He'll lure you into his guard with a false sense of security and before you know it you're unconscious and pantsless. Poor Nate Quarry. Seriously though, if Maia picks up another impressive win here, he'll continue to move up to better competition against maybe a Nate Marquardt or a Thales Leites. Maia and Leites aren't BJJ best friends are they? I barely keep track of who is on whose team. I don't have the time! Quarry doesn't get submitted EVER, but I don't think he's ever faced someone with Maia's ground game in the UFC. I'm going to call this one an upset though, and go with Quarry by decision. He must be excited to face someone who won't run from him for the majority of the fight. I'm looking at you Starnes!

TITO ORTIZ: PROFESSIONAL TEASER
And now my fictional interview with Tito "The Huntingdon Beach Bad Boy" Ortiz.

ME: Hi Tito, thanks for taking the time to talk with me.

TITO: No problem man, I'll be fighting for Affliction or the UFC soon, so I'll be pretty busy. Just waiting for my back to heal 6 months ahead of time, and then I'll be a dad soon. I have a full plate. Team Punishment.

ME: Um, ok. I thought you said you'd never fight for the UFC again. Oh, and Dana White hates you.

TITO: It's all about money man. I'm going to be the highest paid fighter in the history of people. Whoever has the cash, they get Tito Ortiz. Plus, I need the money. I sunk a large chunk of change into "Zombie Strippers" and that shit sunk like the Titanic in quicksand. So, I need to make some cash quick.

ME: Wow. Really? Zombie Strippers wasn't a box office smash? Weird. Well, who do you want to fight if you go back to the UFC?

TITO: I wanna get my belt back so I'll be looking for whoever is holding that belt. If it's Forrest, or Rashad. I beat both those guys soundly. Whoever has the belt I'm coming for them.

ME: I can't tell you how many things are wrong with that statement. I think the real money is in Tito vs. Kimbo in the Afflicition promotion on CBS. What do you think of that possible match-up?

TITO: As long has his name isn't Chuck Liddell or Lyoto Machida, I'll fight anybody. Actually, wait I'll fight Liddell again. I love fighting people three times. That's where the money is at.

ME: Yeah people love it when you have pointless rematches.

TITO: Whatever fills the void from Zombie Strippers. You have no idea how much we had to pay Robert Englund.

ME: Well thanks Tito. Thanks for the fictional interview.

TITO: You're welcome bro. Team Punishment. TitoOrtiz.com. All of Jenna's movies. Plug. Butt Plug. Plug. I'm out.

That's a very Liddellish mustache he's rocking. Weird.


CYBORG AND CARANO: SO HAPPY TOGETHER!
Gina Carano's management team is hitting up "Cyborg" Santos' team so the two can fight each other for the highest bidder. Hooray! It's odd that their marketing this fight together. I guess they both realize that this is the biggest fight in women's MMA right now, short of making it a three way with "Karate Hottie" Michelle Waterson. The frontrunner to host this female slugfest is Strikeforce as they're open to the idea of women's MMA as a draw, and they air weekly on NBC, Carano's former home on American Gladiators. Tell you something you don't know? Affliction is allegedly interested in this fight as well as rumors of them working with CBS or Showtime continue to swirl. If Strikeforce does land this sweet package deal, their live debut on NBC becomes exciting instantly. Carano would instantly become the biggest name in the promotion (sorry Josh Thomson). I hope this fight happens sooner than later because if I know old crafty Dana White, the moment women's MMA picks up steam, he'll squash the competition and sign every woman fighter there is. He's real Vince McMahon-y like that. The big benefit for both women is that they were horribly underpaid in EliteXC (shocking!) and hopefully this fight will land them each a payday on par with their male counterparts. In other news, Urijah Faber may switch to fighting women. ($14,000 to fight Brown? The dude is the poster boy for the WEC!)

Here's how Carano vs. Cyborg looks in my head.


WEC 36 QUICK THOUGHTS: I'M THE LAST GUY TO EXPRESS THOUGHTS ON THIS ONE
1. Paulo Filho and Kalib Starnes should get gay married somewhere (not California, heh) and never fight professionally again. I don't care if it's drugs, depression, weight gain, his cat died, his corner had atrocious gas, somebody called him Anderson Silva Jr., Frank Mir called him a pussy, I don't care! This weird ass "I'm not fighting" garbage has got to stop! It's bad enough Anderson Silva fought "tentatively" in his last fight. Unless Filho was doing a tribute parody to Silva, this crap is inexcusable. Now he's claiming he's going to fight at 205. Who cares? I say make the guy fight on some no name shows while still under his ZUFFA contract just to prove he's not a total waste. What a joke! This guy is number 2 in the world at 185. I don't think so. PRIDE is gone Paulo, get over it. You're in a cage now. Fight or go home. It's that simple.

2. Urijah Faber is still one of the best in the world, pound for pound. I don't know what he was thinking with that spinning back elbow garbage, but I bet he never throws that strike in a fight again. I'm guessing they make Faber take one fight while Brown fights Garcia, and then Faber gets his rematch. People instantly decried the WEC's PPV hopes as impossible with Faber's loss, and those people are mildly retarded. If the WEC holds off, and puts the Faber vs. Brown rematch on PPV, it will draw huge. ZUFFA isn't exactly new at the whole PPV promotion thing, so I'm fairly certain they know what they've got. The money is in the rematch people. Can't argue with that.

3. Jens Pulver got knocked the F@$% OUT! I hate to say it, but I think Jens' time in the cage is coming to a close. He's lost four of his last five fights and is starting to tread into that retirement talk territory like Liddell and Hughes. It sucks because Jens is always fun to watch and his bout with Faber in June was epic. Who knew Garcia could hit that hard? I guess that Spanish guy whose name I can't legally type here has a better chin than Pulver because he didn't get KO'd in their UFC war. I look forward to seeing Garcia vs. Faber someday though, much more than Brown vs. Garcia.

4. Where can I see Cerrone vs. McCullough? People are saying that fight was FOTY material and it wasn't televised. WHY DANA? WHY!!!

The only pic of Cerrone vs. McCullough I could find.


KEVIN RANDLEMAN: CALL IT A COMEBACK
Kevin Randleman wants to make a comeback. Just thought I'd mention it. Whatever.

Don't touch El Guapo.


END OF THE THIRD ROUND
That ends another magnificent episode of "The Verbal Submission". Thanks to Sherdog.com, MMAJunkie.com, MMAfightgirls.com MMARated.com, UFC.com, and WEC.tv. Be sure to check out all the latest MMA columns and news reports here at 411Mania.com, especially that Tapping with TBerg guy. I imagine TBerg looks like Bill Goldberg with a pirate eye patch.

The Empire Hardcore Podcast will be back before year's end and until then you can listen to past shows at Podomatic.com and on iTunes. Be sure to check out my video nonsense on YouTube. Also, my den of erotica is here. I'll be back next Tuesday to gloat about how great Brock Lesnar is, or to share my recipe for humble pie. Enjoy your week!

Kick. Punch. It's all in the mind.

-CPR

After a solid UFC 89 from the land of tea and crumpets, this is "The Verbal Submission" and I am Chris Robinson. Needless to say, my predictions for the show were hit and miss. Let's hope I fare a bit better when predicting this weekend's UFC 90 which is headlined by Anderson Silva and Patrick Cote. Of course, you already know that because the UFC DRILLED IT INTO YOUR BRAIN during the live broadcast on Spike. By live I mean "on a six hour tape delay but this magical graphic in the top right hand corner makes it live". Anyway, in today's column I'm going to jump to a number of topics including a review of UFC 89, a preview of UFC 90, why Clay Guida is a douchebag, why "Fighting Fedor" won't work, and a review of Strikeforce on NBC. Looks like I've got a lot planned. Plus, some broad from the UFC got naked in Playboy? I wish I had a link to those pics in the middle of my column. That's right scroll to the boobie link you predictable bastards. Then scroll back up and read.

After seeing him up close, I'm pretty sure Herb Dean was created by Jim Henson.


UFC 89: UNANIMOUSLY MEDIOCRE
Let's start from the top and work our way down. Michael Bisping's win over Chris Leben was a kickboxing match, plain and simple. Bisping ran from Leben for most of the fight and worked his straight forward punches to turn Leben's face into mush. Leben was frustrated throughout the fight, and landed shots that little damage while attempting takedowns that led to nothing. Michael Bisping is officially not ready for a title shot. As one of my favorite fighters, I wanted to cut him some slack, but his post fight comments about trying for a decision infuriated me. Who the hell goes out there and doesn't try to finish a fight? Then says they weren't trying to finish the fight? Granted, Chris Leben isn't the easiest guy in the world to knock out, but it's been done before. If Bisping thinks for a second that the style of fight he put on last night is going to give him long term success, he needs to watch the replay again. If he attempts that stick and move garbage against a Rich Franklin or a Dan Henderson (one of which may be his next opponent), he's going to get a rude awakening.

I also acknowledge that with all the hype about Bisping heading up a team on the next season of TUF that he didn't want to go in there and get knocked out. I hope this was a one time game plan and Bisping will attempt to finish fights in the future. On the Leben side of things, the Crippler looked good during the fight and probably should've attempted more takedowns combined with ground and pound. I'd love to see the rebooted Chris Leben get a chance to avenge his loss to Jason MacDonald, or even a match-up with Kendall Grove. The future is still bright for Chris Leben, and I hope he continues to be a force at 185.

Please.....please....just stay down.....oh god this hairstyle was a bad choice.....you limey fu....


The co-main event of the evening featured falling star Brandon Vera lose yet again to Mr. 50/50, Keith Jardine. Neither fighter looked overly impressive, and this fight took "Snoozer of the Night" in my book. Vera should pack it in at this point. I don't know where the old Brandon Vera went, but I don't think he's coming back. It's time for a camp change or a coaching change or something. Bottom line is that Brandon Vera can't hang with top talent. They need to give him some fights against maybe a few WEC 205 stragglers to build his confidence back up. Then throw him in there with another top guy. As for Jardine, I'd love to see him score a fight with Lyoto Machida. Both fighters have horribly awkward styles and the fight wouldn't be super entertaining, but it would knock one guy out of title contention permanently. Let's face it. The Machida vs. Thiago Silva was designed for Silva to knock out Machida and take his less than marketable abilities out of title contention. Jardine has KO power and would be a suitable competitor for the Dragon until Thiago returns to action. Again, Brandon Vera sucks. That is all

Well color me wrong about Chris Lytle and Paul Taylor. I'll admit it. I said this one would be a bore-fest and they proved me wrong. Their slugfest even scored them Fight of the Night honors. Sadly, neither guy will ever rise up the ranks, but if they keep putting on fights like that they'll always have a spot on televised cards. Kudos to "Lights Out" and British Paul 1.

Good LORD!


Luiz Cane's TKO of Sokoudjou was impressive. Sokoudjou always carried too much hype, and now the shine from this PRIDE days has officially worn off. They should continue to build up Cane up slowly in the talent rich 205 division, and by the end of '09 this guy could be a contender. As for Sokoudjou, release him. He'll be fine.

Marcus Davis returned to his winning ways against Paul Kelly. The loss for Kelly has got to sting with the UFC promotional machine as they would love to have a second British stand-out to compliment Bisping. Kelly still has a definite upside and hopefully will get a fight at UFC 93 in Dublin. As for Marcus Davis, it looks like he's on a collision course with Chris Lytle. That fight should be swEEEt with a capital SWEET. If the fight does happen, and Davis wins, he's back on track towards a title shot someday. The welterweight division has a lot more depth in it than most people realize and is probably the third deepest behind 205 and 155.

Overall it was a solid showing for the UFC, but definitely not a show I would've paid for. In all honesty, with the exception of the Kimbo/Petruzelli charade, the recent EliteXC Heat show was probably on par with UFC 89 in terms of in-cage action. Just saying.

NAKED GIRLS ARE BAD
Rachelle Leah graces the cover of Playboy Magazine this month. If you didn't know that, you should really pay closer attention to these types of things. The former UFC ring girl turned UFC All Access host has an impressive body. The mammaries are a tad small for my liking, but breast size is always a matter of choice. Thanks to the fine folks at CagePotato.com who have a scanner, a copy of the actual magazine, and free time. Click on the pic to enter a world of NSFW. Enjoy.

Remember girls. Dreams really do come true if you walk around a cage long enough holding up numbers.


CLAY GUIDA: GAIN 30 AND THEN TALK SMACK
I liked Clay Guida once. Then he opened his mouth and someone wrote it down. If you missed this over the weekend, Clay, along with various other MMA fighters, gave their opinions on the main event of UFC 89 over at Sherdog. Most of the fighters were respectful, and gave clear cut opinions on why they thought Bisping or Leben would win the fight. Well Captain Caveman decided to go a different route. In an attempt to be a moron, which he was successful at, Clay called Bisping "the most overrated TUF winner in history". Sounds like someone is still sore about his fat, tub of crap brother getting cut from the show. As far as "overrated" goes, Bisping may have held back a bit at UFC 89, but at least he threw punches instead of constantly taking down his opponent and doing nothing. It must've been real tough holding Mac Danzig down for three rounds and squeaking out that decision. God, now I sound like Junie Browning. "You're just a boring ass wrestler!" Seriously though, if you're going to talk smack about someone on a fairly well known website, talk smack about someone close to your weight class. You don't see Urijah Faber calling out Chuck Liddell. You don't see Miguel Torres talking trash on Brock Lesnar. So Clay, on behalf of fight fans and fans of Geico Caveman commercials, pick on someone your own size. Of course, I'm sure your brother could teach you how to put on weight so you could move to middleweight. He's probably got some no name, local show to fight on though, so good luck with that.

The man always has a strawberry kiwi-tini in his hand. I'm just saying!


UFC 90: THE SPIDER VS. THE PREDATOR
UFC shows only a week apart! Are we living in a beautiful dream world? With five big match-ups on the televised card, UFC 90 is set to be a stellar card even if the main event is considered highly predictable. Let's see if I can fare a little better with predictions here than I did with last week's show. Also, I'm once again going to try to churn out a prediction video, which I did last week, so look for that late Friday on YouTube. Let's predict!

SEAN SHERK vs. TYSON GRIFFIN

Well if it isn't the Muscle Shark returning to the cage for the first time since his destruction at the hands of BJ Penn. Speaking of "boring" wrestlers, former 155 champ roidturns...returns to the Octagon to face Tyson Griffin. Tyson has rattled off four straight decision victories and now faces his toughest test in Sherk. Did I mention Griffin holds a victory over Clay Guida? Guess Clay couldn't hold Tyson down for fifteen minutes and do nothing. Weird. I'm not overly excited about this match-up because neither guy finishes fights very often. This one is going the distance. I'm doing to go out on a limb here though. I don't think Sherk has recovered mentally from this loss to BJ Penn. I think Griffin is going to have the edge here and work some serious ground & pound. Then he's going to submit Sherk in the 3rd round. All jokes aside, Sherk will grind out a decision though.

Marcus Davis shouted out a wonderful doctor after his fight that could probably help you with some of that.


FABRICIO WERDUM vs. JUNIOR DOS SANTOS

Who? Who's Werdum fighting? Junior Two Saints? What is he some sort of Brazilian mobster? They seriously couldn't find a better opponent for Werdum than this? Old Junior has finished all six of his wins by TKO or submission, but it's weird to me that Werdum gets placed against a newcomer when the heavyweight division is so dee........it'll be a good fight. Werdum is someone the UFC would love to fast track to the top of the heavyweight division after the whole "four man tournament" is over. I guess they want to keep him fresh, and pad his win column with this one. I know nothing about Junior other than he finishes his fights. Werdum does the same. This fight should be pretty boss, but I'd say Werdum's experience plays a role here and he nabs a TKO in the 2nd round.

RICH CLEMENTI vs. GRAY MAYNARD

Did I seriously hear that Joe Silva was having a difficult time finding opponents for Gray Maynard? I've never been impressed by Maynard as he's pretty one dimensional with the wrestling thing. He's a tad less boring than a Clay Guida or a Sean Sherk, but he doesn't finish fights. "No Love", on the other hand, likes to choke people out. Clementi should just let Maynard take him to the ground and then work his submission game. Hopefully, "No Love" won't spend too much in the tanning salon he owns (who owns a tanning salon?) and will spend time putting the first loss on Maynard's record. I'll go with a second round guillotine choke victory for Clementi in this one.

JOSH KOSHCECK vs. THIAGO ALVES

Label Josh Koscheck one of the smartest guys in MMA. When Diego Sanchez went down with injury, you would've thought it was Koscheck that caused the injury with how quickly he stepped up for the Alves fight. After Dana White made it known that the winner of this fight gets a shot at the gold, Koscheck comes off looking like a genius. This is the perfect fight for Kos as Thiago has had problems in the past with wrestlers. Jon Fitch and Spencer Fisher both took Alves, yet Matt Hughes had a horrendous time with the Pitbull. Koscheck's stand up game has improved tremendously, but there's no way he wants to stand and trade with Thiago, especially when it comes to Muay Thai striking. On the Alves side of things, he's probably still kicking himself for missing weight against Matt Hughes. Winning that fight should've landed him in the cage with GSP, but the UFC isn't about to be burned by a guy missing weight again(cough, Travis Lutter, cough). Alves' trademark has apparently become 2nd round TKO's, but he'll have a tough time knocking Kos out. Frankly, no one has done it in the UFC yet, and Kos has gone the distance against Diego Sanchez, Chris Lytle, and GSP, all of which are good to great strikers. This fight is probably the more intriguing than the main event because the outcome is highly unpredictable. Look for Kos to grind out a decision in the upset of the night.

It seems as though they're implying Thiago may not be um, how do you say...steroid free?


ANDERSON SILVA vs. PATRICK COTE

Silva with a first round TKO. NEXT! You really think I'm going to go out on a limb and pick Cote? I hate Canadian fighters! Kidding. Seriously though, Cote has no real chance here. This is a guy that lost four straight fights to start his UFC career, then rattles off four straight wins against guys no where near Silva's caliber. How does he get a title shot again? Oh yeah, the UFC middleweight division is paper thin thanks to the Spider. All this retirement talk on Silva's part is a tad silly by the way. If he really wants to go down as the greatest ever, he'll clean out the rest of the division in 2009, then go for the light heavyweight belt in 2010. Just a thought. Anyway, like I said before, Silva by first round TKO in Chicago. It must be weird for Chicago to have a champion in their town. Oh snap!

How can he retire and turn those abs into a beer belly?


STRIKEFORCE: MMA at 3AM on NBC
For the last two weeks I've utilized my magical digital TV recording device, or DVR, to watch Strikeforce on NBC. For those who think Strikeforce is a WWE tag team from the 1980's, you are correct. It's also a MMA promotion with a weekly 28 minute show on a major network. Strikeforce boasts such names as Babalu, Bobby Southworth, Josh Thomson, Joe Riggs, Gilbert Melendez, and various other UFC castaways. Their biggest claim to fame has been their two shows at the Playboy Mansion, which have been the focus of their recent television offerings. Another interesting aspect of the show, Ken "Ow my Eye" Shamrock is on commentary with ESPN Poker Play-by-Play announcer, Lon McEachern.

This show isn't half bad. It's all bad! Kidding. For a 28 minute show, which is virtually a half hour commercial, they do several things right. They feature interesting fights from recent shows, which is better than featuring a match from years past with fighters that may not even be relevant. Upon visiting Strikeforce.com, they have listed that eight "best of" shows will air, which is also good, but better in small quantities. You want to create the perception that you're competing with the other promotions in the sport, and not relying too heavily on the past. Another positive was the recent episode featuring Terry Martin vs. Cory Devela. The fight itself wasn't super exciting, although Martin scored the KO, but they made up for it by doing a short piece on Martin's background and how MMA brought focus to this life. Now I know Martin is a former UFC fighter with a 2-3 record in the Octagon, but for fans who may not be aware of that the video package helps fans connect with Martin. Anybody can put on a MMA show, but a promotion that wants to survive needs to have their fighters connect with the fans on some level. How do you think EliteXC is still in business?

One suggestion for Strikeforce would be to profile both fighters next time because Martin's KO didn't come until the third round, and Devela controlled most of the fight. Devela was also riding a 7 fight win streak into the match, so Martin's victory could've played up as a big upset. Also, get Ken Shamrock off of commentary. I'm sure having Ken's name attached to the show makes the executives at NBC feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but the truth is Ken was pretty bad on commentary. They have Frank Shamrock on the active roster for Strikeforce. Why not have him on commentary. Hell, you want some fireworks, have a three man announce team with both Shamrocks. I'll stay up until 3am to watch that instead of recording it.

Bottom line, if you have a TiVo or a DVR, give the Strikeforce show a chance. Word on the street is NBC is close to giving them a slot for a live event in 2009. Who knows? It may even be televised at a reasonable hour. Of course, Dana White could probably run a "Best of Patrick Cote" and beat it in the ratings, but do ratings really count? They do. Trust me.

Who is this broad?


FIGHTING FEDOR: GOOD IDEA? BAD IDEA?
So the talk of the town lately has been the green light given to a reality show featuring Fedor Emelianenko. You might say, "Chris, you've been clamoring for Fedor to get more mainstream attention on US television for a while now. How could you possibly think this is a bad idea?". Well I'll tell you why. Does M-1/Affliction really think they're going to find someone, some unknown fighter, that will truly be able to challenge Fedor after spending a month or two on a reality show. I've heard the participants on this show will be training in Russia with Fedor's Red Devil Team. Do you really think the Sambo experts on the Red Devil Team are going to teach some schmuck how to beat their beloved Fedor?

Look at the season of TUF where "the comebacks" filled the cast. Granted, Serra and Lutter were given title shots, but they had decent careers up to that point and weren't extreme nobodies. I highly doubt there are any highly touted heavyweights out there, not currently signed by a major promotion, that are just a few training sessions away from competing realistically in the ring with Fedor! It's just not going to happen!

I appreciate that with Donald Trump's backing they're trying to get Fedor on television and build him into a superstar so his fights will garner more attention. I know the language barrier plays a major part in his lack of marketability. I just fail to see the entertainment or marketing value of a show designed to feed Fedor an easy win. Now if the show's goal was simply to add some new teammates to the Red Devils, that could work. If Fedor is the coach, and the winner of the show gets a big money contract with M-1 or Affliction, the show would make a little more sense. I'm all for thinking and going outside of the box, but the concept of this show is just a little far fetched for me.

I'm not saying I have all the answers. I understand that M-1 is doing the best they can to market the world's best heavyweight without the help of the world's 1 MMA organization (pay the man in gold bars!). I just hope they fine tune the concept of "Fighting Fedor" before it debuts on television and becomes a disaster. Plus, all this talk is wishful thinking until they lock down a TV deal, which they probably will with HDNet. How are the ratings on HDNet these days anyway?

We're only days away from delicious Fedor Pretzels on store shelves everywhere.


END OF THE THIRD ROUND
That ends another Negative Nancy edition of "The Verbal Submission". Thanks to CagePotato.com, Sherdog.com, Round5MMA.com, MMAWeekly.com, and Google Image Search. Make sure to check out the latest columns here at 411Mania from Daniel Plunkett, Todd Bergman, Larry Csonka, and Bren Oliver. All the MMA writers at 411 are a great read and they don't molest water fowl (unlike those sickos in the wrestling section).

The Empire Hardcore Podcast is around now and then at Podomatic.com and on iTunes. Be sure to check out my zany UFC predictions in video form on YouTube. Also, control your temper here. I'll be back next Tuesday to review UFC 90 and explain why Junie Browning's parents weren't biologically related. Enjoy your week!

Kick. Punch. It's all in the mind.

-CPR

I'm going to attempt to write an entire column without mentioning the EliteXC knockout bonus controversy. I promise. Besides, that's old news. You want new news. You want my thoughts on UFC 89: Bisping vs. Leben. You want to read about "Baby Voice" Bobby Lashley joining American Top Team. You want video blogs. You want a funny picture of Rampage to start the column. You want change and I can bring that change. You want a columnist that can raise the points of the Dow Jones. If I knew how the Dow worked, I would add those points. Is it like gathering rings in Sonic the Hedgehog games? It shouldn't be that hard to do if it is. Hopefully the economic crisis in this wonderful country won't affect you watching a FREE UFC show this coming Saturday. Can't beat free. Unless you're offered money to stay standing. Damn I mentioned it. Let's kick this thing off.

Is this how they train across the pond?


BOBBY LASHLEY: BROCK LESNAR-ing his way into MMA
That's one way to get out of a contract.


Everyone's favorite jacked up black dude from the world of WWE is taking the next step in his MMA career. Granted, Bobby hasn't had a professional fight despite being signed with the Arena Footba...American Fight League. I'm not saying the AFL is fictional, but you have to have a show maybe once or twice a year to be considered a legitimate MMA promotion. Anyway, Lashley has joined up with American Top Team, which can only be seen as step up from whatever camp he was with beforehand.

Some pundits will eventually compare Bobby Lashley to Brock Lesnar in terms of making the jump from WWE to MMA/UFC, so let me be the first! Bobby Lashley is no Brock Lesnar. Lashley did have a successful college wrestling career. He went on to moderate success in the WWE. However, when it comes to charisma, marketability, and name recognition, he's got nothing. On various editions of my lovely Empire Hardcore Podcast, we refer to him as "Baby Voice" because despite his massive muscles he has a very child-like voice, and virtually no promo skills. I know. I know. You don't have to cut a promo to be in MMA, but it doesn't hurt to be able to trash talk a guy without sounding like a twelve year old girl.

Lashley also didn't spend nearly enough time in the main event scene of WWE to garner any kind of notoriety. My guess is he saw that Brock was heading into fighting, Kurt Angle was throwing poo at walls and claiming to start his MMA career, and then Lashley decided to jump into the fight game. Joining American Top Team is the first good move he's made since starting his MMA career. With a roster that boasts the likes of JZ Cavalcante, Thiago Alves, Thiago Silva, Antonio Silva (bad example), and Jeff Monson (ouch, worse example), Lashley will learn from a deep roster of talented fighters. And by learn, I mean he'll get to toss around a bunch of Brazilians like rag dolls with his freakish strength.

I wish Bobby Lashley the best of luck, and I really shouldn't pass judgment on him until he has his first pro fight. I hope he sticks to his contract with the AFL (cough, schedule a show, cough) because we all know there are other organizations out there in need of a big scary black man to bring in ratings. If only Bobby Lashley was from the streets!

I knew being on the same team with Antonio Silva was a bad move.



MIKE "QUICK" SWICK: BLOGGING LIKE WHAT? BLOGGING LIKE WHO?


As you can see from the above video, somebody in the MMA world has taken my suggestion to hit up the YouTube community with a video blog. This blog wasn't exactly full of groundbreaking information or earth shattering news. It's basically Mike Swick telling us that he bought a video camera, and someone he knows has some video editing software. Hooray! He also lets the world know that he'll be fighting Jonathan "Not Robert" Goulet at UFC's Fight for the Troops. This one should be up for South Park Fight of the Night as the valiant American battles the evil Canadian for North American supremacy.

Swick's video blog will hopefully start a trend for other UFC fighters with free time. Think about it. If you're like Swick, you may have headlined a Fight Night, you're a TUF alumni, and you're trying to stay relevant in the fan's eyes. What better way than to mug it up on YouTube, or Myspace, or your own website. The UFC can't promote every fighter for every show, so you've got play the part of part time promoter sometimes. You follow? If I were a Clay Guida, or a Nate Diaz, or an Amir Sadollah, I'd get a one man camera crew to follow me around ASAP. I'd love to see Sadollah do some video blogging. He displayed dry humor and quick wit while plugging along in the TUF house. So get out those video cameras UFC fighters! If you're on the east coast and want to do some video blogging, shoot me an email! I'm here to help.

The Mike Swick Book Club was a horrible failure.


TUF SUGGESTION: HOOKERS
I'm not talking about 1930's carny wrestling hookers and shooters. I'm talking straight up hookers. They're in Vegas right? Think about it. Forget about getting kicked off the show. If you buckle down, win your first fight or two, Dana White gives you a golden ticket to the Bunny Ranch or any other legal brothel of your choice. That would bump the ratings a bit don't you think? I bet Junie Browning wouldn't have let the sweet taste of Jack Daniels hit his lips one time if he knew he might get to taste the lips of a legal whore. I'm just saying! And if you don't want the show to condone prostitution (again it's legal!) then get some of the "models" from that show Manswers to swing on by and put on a show for the cast. If nothing else, it will frustrate the fighters even more which will lead to even more shenanigans involving plastic wrap and urine. It's all about the ratings people!

This broad ended up face down in a Kentucky lake. I'm sure of it.


UFC 89: THE COUNT VS. THE CRIPPLER
Enough tomfoolery, it's time to talk about this week's big UFC 89 show which will be broadcast from jolly ol' England. As always, I'll be giving my thoughts on the televised portion of the card. Also, I'm kicking around the idea of doing video predictions later in the week so look for that on Friday or Saturday. Let's predict!

PAUL KELLY VS. MARCUS DAVIS

This battle of welterweights pits Wolf's Lair fighter Paul Kelly against "The Irish Hand Grenade" Marcus Davis. Davis is coming off a streak snapping loss to Mike Swick while Kelly is coming off a successful UFC debut against Paul Taylor. Kelly wasn't overly impressive in that victory probably because the hype surrounding him has painted him as the next Michael Bisping. As for Davis, his six fight win streak went bye-bye and he's probably still trying to figure out why. A win for Kelly moves him up to even better competition, while a loss for Davis moves him further down the rankings. I think this fight was made more as a test for Kelly. I doubt the UFC has even seen Marcus Davis as a big threat to GSP or any of the other top 5 welterweights in the company. Still, Davis is a solid, explosive fighter that can maintain a solid career as a gatekeeper within in the division.

Prediction: Kelly by decision

PAUL TAYLOR VS. CHRIS LYTLE

Yawn. Neither of these guys excites me AT ALL. Lytle always loses big fights and this isn't a big fight so that should work for him. Paul Taylor is 2-2 in the UFC, and he's British, so he gets a fight on the card. Anybody actually looking forward to this fight? Is there a big Chris Lytle fan base out there I'm not aware of? If there is, you need a new favorite fighter.

Prediction: Lytle by TKO in the 1st

RAMEAU SOKOUDJOU VS. LUIZ CANE

Spell check hates Sokoudjou. Hates him! Spell check is a racist so it comes as no surprise. Sokoudjou returns to the cage looking for the second win in his UFC career and he's bringing his "African Assassin" judo skills with him. Luiz Cane is bringing....his authentic Brazilian cooking ability? UFC.com says he owns a restaurant in Brazil. I don't know. If I were Cane, I wouldn't stand and trade punches with Rameau because that will end his evening prematurely. Although with the time difference in England, it could leave him with plenty of time for a pub crawl.

Prediction: Sokoudjou by 2nd Round TKO

MID PREDICTION HOT UFC RING GIRL BREAK



KEITH "THE APPRENTICE OF MEAN" JARDINE VS. BRANDON "THE TRUTH" VERA

Seriously, after his brutal loss to Wanderlei Silva, is he really still the "Dean of Mean"? Jardine is a hard nut to crack. This is a guy with victories over Chuck Liddell and current 205 champ, Forrest Griffin. This is also a guy that's been savagely knocked out by Wandy and Houston "I DON'T NEED A NEW CAMP. I'M FINE!" Alexander. It's like his wins and losses are all ass backwards. At one point, Jardine was probably one win away from a title shot, and now he's just trying to win a fight. For Vera, this fight is crucial. He looked horrible in his last fight against Reese Andy. Andy is a guy Vera should've knocked out in the first round, but the drop to 205 wrecked his conditioning. I read recently that Vera is walking around at 204 now, so that should mean his conditioning has improved tremendously. Vera could become a force in the light heavyweight division very quickly if he pulls off a win here. For Jardine, it's make or break time. I'm sure the UFC would love to have a Jardine/Griffin rematch based on their first meeting, but that will never happen if Jardine keeps getting KO'd.

Prediction: Vera by decision

MICHAEL BISPING VS. CHRIS LEBEN

I love art, bro. I love art.


What's with the Cookie Monster Afro that Leben was rocking on the countdown show? I thought his guy STOPPED drinking? Regardless of the hair, Chris Leben is a devastating striker with a brick chin. Will that be enough against The Count? I doubt it. Michael Bisping has looked unstoppable at 185, and I doubt he'll be slowing down anytime soon. This fight is more important to Bisping than it is to Leben. With a thin middleweight division, a win here could put Bisping just two fights from a title shot. Early speculation has Bisping possibly facing Dan Henderson after the two coach the next season of TUF. But with Hendo fighting Franklin in January at 205, will he go back down to 185 to face Bisping? I'd say a more logical next step for The Count would be a fight against a Jason MacDonald or Alessio Sakara. Maybe a match-up with Kendall Grove? Then a fight with either Yushin Okami or Patrick Cote? Wait, that's the whole division. Actually, I'd really like to see Bisping go head to head with Demian Maia. Oh I'm sorry. Am I overlooking Leben? Yes I am. Seriously, if Leben wins this fight I would be shocked. You never know which Chris Leben is going to show up. Is it the focused, tough as nails Leben? Is it the drunken blue haired muppet Chris Leben? We'll find out on Saturday!

Prediction: Bisping by 1st round TKO

I think they're speaking English. I can't be sure.


ROGER HUERTA: BANNED?
In an interesting Sunday afternoon news bit, CagePotato.com pointed out that the Roger Huerta/Kenny Florian scrap from UFC 87 was cut from the replay this weekend on Spike. The speculation is that Roger recently made a few derogatory comments about the UFC's payscale, and we all know how much Dana White loves it when his fighters bitch about money. Here's a tip for fighters out there when it comes to pay: COMPLAIN TO THE F***ING PROMOTERS. DON'T COMPLAIN TO THE MEDIA.

If this situation is true, it makes me wonder if Huerta's success has gotten to his head. Wait. I've stopped wondering. It has. Huerta is probably thinking, "I could make a boat load of cash in EliteXC or Affliction, and I'd be the top lightweight in either of those promotions". Well that's a special little thought you got there, Roger. Now let it go. As a fan of yours, let me explain to you how neither of those promotions will ever promote you correctly. They'll put your name on a few T-shirts, throw you in the cage with a Nick Diaz or a Chris Horodecki, and then forget about you. Stick with the UFC. Get yourself a better agent or manager. Get some better sponsors. Stop complaining about money.

It's so frustrating when your favorite fighters start bitching and moaning about paychecks. Just fight!

GSP Column Cameo for No Reason 2


END OF THE THIRD ROUND
That ends another quacktastic edition of "The Verbal Submission". Thanks to CagePotato.com, Sherdog.com, UFC.com,and Google Image Search. Make sure to check out the latest columns here at 411Mania from Adam Tool, Jonathan Solomon, Scott Kuczkowski, and Jeremy Lambert. They write well about things.

The Empire Hardcore Podcast is bitching and moaning at Podomatic.com and on iTunes. Be sure to check out my video shenanigans and UFC predictions in video form on YouTube. Also, spackle your crackle here. I'll be back next Tuesday to review UFC 89 and make a loud, obnoxious, hard sell for Mighty Putty. Enjoy your week!

Kick. Punch. It's all in the mind.

-CPR

Holy crap. Kimbo lost. The world's gonna end. Ahhhhhh. No, everything is fine, but the MMA world was turned right-side-up on Saturday night as the "legend" of Kimbo Slice evaporated in a mere 14 seconds. We'll get to that later because I'm sure everyone is tired of reading about EliteXC, but I'll throw out my opinions anyway. I wanted to thank everyone for the response to last week's column. It seems people dug my ideas for the most part, and it's funny that more people commented about the "ring or cage" issue. I didn't realize that was such a battled point of contention in the MMA community. I appreciate all feedback, good or bad, so keep it coming! So along with the EliteXC thoughts, today's column will feature a brief review of the MTV show True Life: I'm a MMA Fighter, which I happened to catch over the weekend. I'll also give a brief message to the new wild child on The Ultimate Fighter, Junie Browning. If I come up with anything else to write about, I'll let you know.

I can't tell if that baby is happy or terrified or full of Red Bull


If a Kimbo falls in the everglades, will Jared Shaw claim it's been hit in the back of the head?
Yes folks, after a 44 year old legend of the sport had his sparring partner punch him in the eye to escape the circus, Kimbo Slice lost to a man who was unable to defeat a deaf man. I've already stopped caring. Honestly, Kimbo losing was bound to happen at some point, and he actually saves face by losing to a guy he had no preparation for, instead of a Hall of Famer way past his prime. You've already heard all the Kimbopinions in the world so I'm going to focus on the rest of the fight card because frankly it was the best EliteXC show on CBS thus far.

On a steel horse he rides, he's wanted.....dead or alive.


Since I'm not a fan of going in order, let's talk about Gina Carano vs. Kelly Cobold. Of course, we had all the weigh-in shenanigans where Gina's one-two punches made a brief towel and hand covered appearance. I'm sure my good friend Joe Cusick made a mess in his gi thanks to that one. The fight itself showcased Gina's overall ability much better than her last fight, while Kelly Cobold almost seemed like a credible challenger. What would they have done if Kimbo and Carano both lost on the same night? We'd probably be talking about the untimely passing of Jared Shaw. The best part of the fight was my lovely girlfriend becoming enraged that I was supporting Carano. I might've mentioned at one point in time that Gina has a pretty face which of course has lit a fire I can't put out. Seriously though, Gina Carano standing next to Kelly Cobold is like Hayden Panettierre standing next to Ellen DeGeneres. It's hard to compare Gina to hot celebrity models, actresses, etc, but most dudes find her attractive right? Were we still talking about MMA? Anyway, Gina is now set-up for a match with Cyborg Santos, and it's fairly safe to say that pretty little perfect record is in jeopardy. It should be a hell of a fight though.

The towel barely dropped. You couldn't really see anything. It's not like some red headed chick grabbed her ti.....


Then we had EliteXC welterweight champion Jake Shields defend his title against Paul Daley. Who doesn't love a black guy with a British accent? Just sounds so proper. Unfortunately his arm bar defense was anything but proper, and he lost in the second round. Then Jake Shields gets on the stick and makes a very Couture/Silva-ish statement that he would like to challenge Robbie Lawler for the EliteXC middleweight title. Why? It's not like he's conquered the world at welterweight and there's nothing left for him there. How about finishing out your contract with EliteXC then hopping on the next bus to UFC or WEC town and competing there? I'm guessing in a perfect world, EliteXC would like to have their next show feature Cyborg vs. Gina, Lawler vs. Shields, and Tito vs. Petruzelli. OK, stop laughing at the last one. Honestly, I have no idea what runs through the head of EliteXC officials other than "Oh crap, our cash cow just got milked dry!".

Jake Shields demonstrates his infamous Hug Choke. No one watches G4 anyway.


On a side note, it looks like the fine folks at Affliction and I are on the same wave length. I believe I counted a dozen FEDOR RULEZ! commercials during the EliteXC broadcast. Of course, on my non-HD TV it read "EDOR IS COMING" so maybe they were hyping someone else. Either way, getting Fedor's mug in front of 4 million eyes can't hurt. That was a big step in the right direction towards getting people to care about the next Affliction show and schooling people on The Last Emperor. It is kind of funny that they were able to show the entire fight with Tim Sylvia given it's length. The next step is to pay off some sparring partners to take some stiff shots, get it on film, and continue the monster build for Fedor. Just don't put him in any fights against scar tissue-y old guys. We all know how those play out.

Last but not least, we had Andre Arlovski continue to look impressive against Big Fat Roy Nelson. I loved how in the pre-fight package, Nelson claimed that his big gut didn't affect his fights, or something to that effect. Well, it's safe to say that the big gut didn't help much because he gassed in the second. Man aren't those former IFL champs impressive? Dope! Now the logical next step is a Fedor vs. Arlovski fight for the WAMMA gold. Josh Barnett is out of the picture the last time I checked due to financial disagreements. This fight is good for two reasons: 1) it gives Fedor his second fight against a former UFC champ and 2) if Arlovski wins he just found the golden ticket, Willy Wonka style.

Overall, a strong effort for EliteXC as they struggle to achieve passable Nielsen ratings, and appease hardcore MMA fans. Good luck with promoting Seth Petruzelli as a legitimate fighter though. His Myspace page isn't going to do him or EliteXC any favors.

Any time. Any place. Any sexual preference. And you wonder why Kimbo was tentative to fight his guy?



TITO WATCH 2008: WHERE WILL THE BAD BOY CONTINUE HIS REIGN OF BADNESS?
Another interesting tidbit coming out of EliteXC: Heat was the appearance by former UFC light heavyweight champion, Tito Ortiz. Anyone who knows me, knows I'm a big Tito Ortiz fan. I don't think he's the greatest fighter of all time, but I believe he's one of the most marketable characters in MMA. Must be the wrestling fan in me. Tito exclaimed during the show that he may sign with EliteXC by week's end, and then step into the cage for them in 2009 after his back surgery. Hooray! Tito also has twins on the way, a porn star to mother those twins, and the blondest hair in the wooooooooorld. I'm excited for Tito's return to action and hopefully he won't have to face anymore karate fighters at 205. Wait, Petruzelli is a 205 pound karate guy? NOOOOOOOOOO! Wait, I already made this joke.

Ariel "Jewish like a Fox" Helwani interviews the man who did what thousands of male porn stars couldn't do inside Jenna Jameson...FINISH.


TRUE LIFE: I'm a MMA Fighter

That's Douche with a capital D.

If there was a ever a man with a shit eating grin, it's Kit Cope. The guy is barely a MMA fighter at this point with his one claim to fame being his first appearance on MTV's True Life as a bare knuckle fighter. Well since that 15 minute fame flare-up, he's done a whole bunch of nothing unless you count countless injuries as something. MTV decided to go back to the well one more time with Cope and follow him as he prepared for a fight no one in the MMA world cares about.

Personally, I would've liked to see more time devoted to the other two fighters on the show, Frankie "The Answer" Edgar and Ian Stonehouse (great name). The dichotomy of Edgar's UFC career and Stonehouse's "college balanced with fighting" lifestyle is all the show needed. Throwing in Cope and his oh-so-painful desk job stories, blow-everyone-if-you-lose girlfriend, and overall smarmy attitude was just unnecessary. He actually claimed he's the best stand-up fighter in the world during one part of the show. Really? You really think you can claim that title? Jackass.

Edgar's story was far more entertaining as they showed the progression of his wedding plans and how they were affected by his fighting career. His fiance was super supportive and she still married him after he lost the Maynard fight. She must've known he'd have no problem with Franca months later. As for Stonehouse, it was good to see him focus on fighting, studying, and chilling with his girl while ignoring the temptation of partying. That's probably why MTV called in Cope for a second round. They were hoping the kid would say FTW to studying and training to booze it up with his roommates. Sorry MTV, some fighters on the amateur circuit are actually intelligent, dedicated individuals. Not everyone on your little crockumentaries is spreading around STD's and doing lines of coke off of stripper's buttocks. It's not a perfect world!

I don't like MTV.

Overall, it was a good show and did little to exploit any stereotypes of MMA fighters. You had three guys who for the most part weren't meatheads, didn't urinate on themselves, and didn't drink until their livers burst. Check out one of the replays of the show if you get the chance.

JUNIE BROWNING: Did you have a rough life?

Well we officially have the "loose cannon" for Season 8 of The Ultimate Fighter and his name is Junie Allen Browning. On tomorrow night's episode, they're promoting that Browning's drunken antics carry over from the house into the gym and it's total pandemonium. Oh no! (Family Guy character Bruce voice) It's getting sadder and sadder, as TUF's ratings dip lower and lower, that they have to rely on the meathead jabrone factor to garner ratings. People are no longer tuning in to see borderline amateur fighters scrap their way into the UFC. They'd rather tune in and see the town drunk pick a fight with anyone around him. Great. It's still ridiculous to me that while the guys are only allowed to sleep, eat, train, swim, or play pool, they're allowed to drink in excess. What's wrong with having a TV in the house again? How about giving them DVDs of every UFC, WEC, and PRIDE show? They're only allowed to watch those in their free time. That going to cut into their drinking time?

As for Junie, he's obviously being positioned as this season's Jesse Taylor. He's drunk. He's unpredictable. He'll probably get kicked off. It's the same old stick, just a different season. Dana White really needs to rethink the whole structure of The Ultimate Fighter because as a television show it has lost its appeal. The only entertaining parts of the show are the fights. Even with a Junie Browning getting drunk and going on a rampage, it's something you could see on any episode of COPS, and thus loses any unique entertainment value.

So Junie, you're out of the house now. You've got a brand new image as a retard. Hell, you might be in the finals of the show. i don't know. Whatever you do, stop drinking in public. Keep your pants .. away from Kentucky. You can go back to visit, but move far, far away from there. And for the love all things musical, stop letting people make rap videos to your training footage.



END OF THE THIRD ROUND
That ends another up and down edition of "The Verbal Submission". Thanks to CagePotato.com, Sherdog.com, and Google Image Search. Make sure to check out the latest columns here at 411Mania from Bren Oliver, Dustin James, Matt McEwen, and Stephen DeAugustino. I'd put links in their names, but that takes time, and you people already know how to point, click, read, and click again. Did I say "you people"?

The Empire Hardcore Podcast is reviewing all things wrestling and Kimbo at Podomatic.com and on iTunes. Be sure to check out my mildly entertaining vlogs on YouTube. Also, butter your bread here. I'll be back next Tuesday to discuss oil futures, the Dow Jones, the Presidential Debate, and the impending climate crisis. Enjoy your life!

Kick. Punch. It's all in the mind.

-CPR

When I heard last week that Andre Arlovski would face Roy Nelson on the Oct.4th EliteXC card, I was a tad shocked. It's not everyday that two "up and coming"/struggling MMA companies get together and promote a fight. Look at all the successful PRIDE and UFC co-promoted shows, oh wait those never happened. It got me thinking. Then I read Sam Caplan's column about how any new MMA company needs at least a $50 million payroll, and the hamster in my head got on the wheel. So in today's column, I'm going to attempt to map out how 3 different American MMA promotions can come together to effectively compete with the UFC. This isn't fantasy booking. I'm serious about this.

The Arlovski vs. Nelson fight is step one in the right direction to what I'm going to suggest. Granted, this chain of events probably will never happen because A) there's a ton of money involved B) there's a ton of egos involved on the fighter and promoter side and C) there are TV networks involved. I believe that some of my suggestions are feasible, and in the end, would benefit fighters, promoters, and fans. I think benefitting the fans is the most important part. My plan would also help grow the sport the right way so that the average Joe realizes that "mixed martial arts" is the same as "ultimate fighting". Here we go.

Money Money Money Money Money, MONEY!


COMBINE AND COMPETE
There are three companies/promotions that would have to agree to work together: Affliction/Golden Boy Promotions, Pro Elite/EliteXC, and Mark Cuban, owner of HDNet. Now along with the Affliction side, I'm assuming we get the name value and promoting power of Donald Trump. That's right, the same Donald Trump that's been virtually silent since Affliction: Banned. On the Mark Cuban side, along with his HDNet, we can throw in his recent acquisition of the IFL's assets. On the Pro Elite/EliteXC side, I'm assuming they bring in their TV deals with CBS and Showtime.

PHASE 1: Sign Tito Ortiz & Market Your Big Draws
Phase 1 is cementing who your biggest draws are. Under this new promotion, I'd suggest making Kimbo Slice, Gina Carano, Fedor, and Tito Ortiz the "crossover" stars. Now I people are going to gripe that Tito isn't signed with anyone, Kimbo is unproven, Gina is a Gladiator, blah, blah, blah. Let's cut through all the bullpoop, and just sign Tito Ortiz. Does he want $1 million a fight? Give him $1 million for the first fight, and then $500,000 for his fights after that with a cut of PPV revenue and merchandise. Don't argue about it. Don't think about it. Just do it. With the combined pockets of Cuban and Trump, they can afford it. Plus, Tito is a name that some casual fans recognize, and he's a proven draw when marketed correctly.

Now, along with cementing your biggest draws, you have to begin to market them properly and thoroughly. With Gina Carano, it's fairly easy because you can put her cute little face everywhere. Put it on billboards. Put it on magazine covers. Put her on game shows. Put her everywhere. Get that face and that body to the masses and they will follow her into the cage.

The one side of marketing that no one is doing properly, not even the UFC, is viral marketing. UFC is starting to see the value with the recent video blogs from Dana White, but following MMA's Lex Luthor around doesn't help build buzz for an event. It caters to UFC fans who are into YouTube. What this new unified promotion needs to do is start a web blog/documentary video series for Fedor Emelianenko. Fedor is the top heavyweight in the world. Most American fans have no idea whether that statement is true or false. My suggestion is hiring a videographer (I'd be available), a beautiful yet intelligent female host (hard to find), and a stand-up comic/charismatic male host (Joe Rogan is busy, again, I'm available). Start a series of videos following Fedor's training, following his life, interviewing coaches, etc. The language barrier is the thing keeping Fedor from being a crossover star, and a draw in the US. Let Fedor's story be told, let his image talk, and let the KO footage of Tim Sylvia do the rest. Remember, the UFC owns all of Fedor's great PRIDE moments, so we don't have those to rely on. They should be touting Fedor's multiple victories over Big Nog, but who knows how long he'll be in the UFC title scene. Still, doesn't hurt to mention those wins.

Now, these blog-umentaries (that word is mine now) can be used to market Gina, Tito, Kimbo, Jake Shields, Arlovski, etc. etc. etc. There are literally dozens of video sharing websites that can be utilized to virally spread these, as well as social networking sites like Myspace, Facebook, etc., and don't forget about the ever growing MMA blog community. These videos need to be funny, entertaining, and serious, but most importantly they need to paint Fedor as the dominant heavyweight coming to set the MMA world on fire once more.

The kid told Tito he was only worth $250,000 a fight....and the name of the twins' real father. Ouch.


PHASE 2: Pick a Name/Cage over Ring/WAMMA on board
Now to get down to some little details that the nitpicky MMA fan in me wants to see. First off, this new promotion should be called the International Fight League. Cuban will own the name, so why not use it. Affliction is a t-shirt company, not a fight brand. EliteXC sounds stupid. Always has. Always will. Second, all fights will be held IN A CAGE. I'm sure they'd love to set themselves apart by having things in a ring, but MMA fans want to see a cage. It's not boxing. It's not wrestling. It's mixed martial arts and it belongs in a cage. Third, get WAMMA on board to start creating title belts for the rest of the weight divisions, and have them be the sanctioning body in terms of championships and setting up top contenders. It eliminates confusion because they're not owned by this new conglomerate and can set up fights and match-ups that fans want to see.

In beginning this new "IFL" (no team format this time), they should start by focusing on three weight divisions when shows air on CBS or Pay-Per-View. I would focus on heavyweight, light heavyweight, and either welterweight or lightweight. There aren't enough top middleweights floating around out there, at least not on the US scene. Get some of those darling DREAM and Sengoku fighters over here and then we'll talk. Sorry Robbie Lawler.

Another little decision that's actually a huge decision: Pick ONE guy to make decisions or PICK a 3-5 person Board of Directors. I know the Tom Atencio's, Gary or Jared Shaws, Oscar De La Hoya's, and Mark Cuban's of the world are going to want to call the shots. It's understandable because their money, brand names, and reputations are on the line. To make this new venture work however, you can't have too many cooking peeing in the pot (something like that). My suggestion would be to pick a 3 person board of directors to make all decisions on event locations, promotion, merchandise etc., and let WAMMA do the match making. WAMMA submits lists of title contenders, top ranked fighters, etc., then suggests fights, and the Board approves which fights should happen and when. Sound good?

Oh crap, the beard thing is catching on. I don't even think Fedor can grow that fierce of a beard.


PHASE 3: Television is Your Friend
So we have four television outlets: CBS, Showtime, HDNet, and Pay-Per-View. I think FSN has some involvement, but I'm leaving them out for now. First up, Mark Cuban's HDNet has to get clearance in all major markets. I know they just cleared Comcast and that's a huge step. Utilizing their Inside MMA program, hosted by my hero Bas Rutten, the new "IFL" has a weekly show to promote upcoming cards, review recent cards, and build up individual fighters who may not have a fight for months, but need promotion. Inside MMA can work hand in hand with the viral video creators I mentioned earlier. I assume the fine folks at ESPN.com's MMA LIVE will want in on that viral action as well.

Showtime and the ShowXC cards will continue to be for showcasing and developing up and coming fighters. They should start to have at least one "B" level name in the main event so that the show has appeal to some outside of the hardcore fan base. Showtime should also host title fights for the weight divisions not being promoted heavily on CBS and PPV. That brings me to my next step. CBS and PPV should have the big money fights, and should promote one another. If Tito is fighting for the title on PPV, the CBS show should feature Kimbo as the main draw, and promote the hell out of the PPV show. If Fedor is fighting three months after those fights, both shows should begin preliminary promotion for that fight. If the fight cards are set up in advance, the promotion trickles down, people are informed, and your buyrate goes up. Simple enough?

Now on the Affliction side of things, Affliction should go back to focus on merchandise and promotion. They've done a good job organizing a promotion filled with high profile fighters, but at the end of the day, they're not promoters. Stamp the Affliction logo on every show, put it in the middle of the cage, throw face paint on Tom Atencio, but leave the promoting to the promoters.The one positive of Affliction's time as a promoter is the alliance with Golden Boy Promotions. Now, that doesn't mean I want to see boxing matches on MMA shows because I DON'T. I wouldn't mind seeing MMA shows on HBO though, and Oscar De La Hoya's pull could make that a reality someday. That would give this new "IFL" a chance to pull a ZUFFA and split the promoted weight classes (ala the WEC). They could promote shows featuring different weight classes on HBO and Showtime, and could create a different name for that promotion. So for instance, the HBO shows could be the EliteXC promotion featuring 155, 185, and 145, while Showtime could feature 205, 170, and heavyweight. That's just an example.

Must accept Barnett vs. Arlovski as a main event. Must accept......:::shakes out cobwebs:::...Wait, what the?


PHASE 4 : Knock off the Circus Shit & Promote BIG Fights
The allure of Kimbo Slice's street fighting days wore off real quick when James Thompson almost finished him off. Kimbo needs to be promoted as a legit MMA fighter with an interesting background, and not as a circus act. Also, never let Phil Baroni fight for your company again. The focus needs to be on championships and fighters moving up the rankings. This again, is where WAMMA comes in. For a promotion trying to obtain legitimacy, fans need to be kept up-to-date on when a fighter is in line for a title shot. Does the winner of Kimbo vs. Shamrock meet Brett Rogers next to determine a 1 contender to Antonio Silva's heavyweight belt? Will Gina Carano meet Cyborg if both women win their next fight? The less you jerk around fans when it comes to ranking competition, the less we feel jerked around.

This helps promote BIG fights both on PPV or CBS. If Kimbo gets a title shot against Silva, it's understood he climbed up the ladder and took out the top competition. Of course, in my perfect scenario, the current EliteXC heavyweight belt would be unified with the WAMMA belt so there's one title. This would be the same for when belts from other weight classes are created. They're created and then unified with the EliteXC belts, so we can get rid of those titles, and have unified WAMMA titles. How great would a Kimbo vs. Fedor title unification bout be? It makes Kimbo sound legitimate and after Fedor knocks him out he'll finally be a big star in the US.

I thought Bas Rutten was famous for a liver punch? Oh that Kimbo!


SUMMARY
So to wrap it up, what do you think? Could a marriage between Affliction, Pro Elite, and Mark Cuban work out? With all the money, TV clearances, promotional tools, and fighters, it should work right? Now I understand that greed and ego will be a factor, but I like to dream that those two won't influence the common goal. The common goal is building a viable MMA promotion that over time will rival the UFC in quality, brand awareness, viewership, etc. etc. etc. Is "IFL" the best name for this promotion? Probably not, but for the purpose of this column I feel it works. Let me know what you think!

FIVE GOOD MINUTES WITH KIMBO SLICE
What five minutes with Kimbo aren't good? The man is simply cuddly.


EPISODE 20 of MMA LIVE on ESPN.com
20 episodes! Fantastic! Watch this show!


PREDICTION FOR KIMBO VS. SHAMROCK
Kimbo by first round KTFO. Seriously, if Ken wins I will poop my pants. Literally.

END OF THE THIRD ROUND
That ends another informative and speculative edition of "The Verbal Submission". Thanks to Sam Caplan at FiveOuncesofPain.com for inspiring this column. The Empire Hardcore Podcast is brand spankin' new at Podomatic.com and on iTunes. Be sure to check out my YouTubish wackiness on YouTube. Also, make sweet love here. I'll be back next Tuesday to give my thoughts on EliteXC Heat, and come up with more crazy theories. Have a great week!

Kick. Punch. It's all in the mind.

-CPR

Like a MMA card at the Playboy Mansion, it's another unnecessary edition of "The Verbal Submission". Unless the Bunnies are getting in the cage and there's mud or jello involved, who gives a shit? Am I right? No, good for Strikeforce. They're living the dream. I guess. Anyway, since I last graced your eyeballs with the written word we had ourselves a UFC Fight Night, the premiere of the new season of TUF, and some guy in EliteXC got stripped of some fake title because he wouldn't fight a stoner. If only the UFC had these hilarious problems!

This week's column will provide you with my thoughts on this past Wednesday's events, some videos courtesy of ESPN, another look at MMA clothing and "collectables", and the Top 5 places to hold a MMA event besides the house of an 80 year old pornographer. Hef vs. Flynt? Now THAT would be pay per view gold. Let's go!

He's got his own shoes and a third date with the Axe Murderer.


IT'S THE ULLLLLLLLTIMATE FIGHTER: TEAM NOG VS. TEAM MIR: FAT OR FAINT?
Just gotta win one fight and I'm in the house. It would be much easier if the cage wasn't spinning. Oh man, why is Dana White purple?


As someone who had a history of passing out in his younger years, I felt for Phillipe Nover during Episode 1 of TUF. Luckily for him he doesn't need a pacemaker. It was a combination of weight cutting fatigue, not eating, etc. Keep that man away from energy drinks! He redeemed himself with a second round submission against some guy whose name no longer matters. The first set of fights was pretty impressive compared to recent years. Based on those fights, I'd say my early pick for the lightweight winner would be Junie Browning. The kid can trash talk with the best of them, and back it up in the cage. Also "Consonants" Sosyznkski looked good at 205 with a TKO victory. The IFL veteran is probably best known as the guy who's lost to Ben Rothwell twice. That's a horrible thing to be known for.

The one thing missing from this season is the entertainment value from the coaches. From a personality standpoint, I'd have to say Mir and Nog are the most boring coaches so far. Mir is hyper as hell for no real reason. I thought the coaches were just supposed to sit and make hilarious comments during these fights? Mir was jumping and yelling at fighters to do certain things while Big Nog just sat there and occasionally muttered something in Portuguese to Dana White. Granted, not every coach can be as fun to watch as Rampage, but a guy can dream. Hopefully some shenanigans or tomfoolery will occur later in the season to fire up this rivalry because this fight is gonna be a snoozer from a promotional standpoint. It's no wonder they're banking on Couture vs. Lesnar to crown a heavyweight champ.

The other mildly entertaining yet sad event during this episode was the Jason Guida debacle. How much notice does a guy need to be able to get his body to a point where he can cut to 205? If you're not a true light heavyweight, then don't come on the show. I'd say thank goodness for the alternate, but that guy got destroyed. Guida has been around the game long enough that this should've never happened. The best part was the "I'm no Gabe Ruediger" comment that Guida made. That's like saying I don't want to be like Chris Leben, then dying your hair red and crying after a loss.

I want to thank Jason Guida for creating the new phrase, "Guidtarded"


THE LAST GUY TO CHIME IN THOUGHTS ON FIGHT NIGHT = ME
How did they not show a highlight of this on the live broadcast?


Anybody else think the undercard was better than the main card? I'm sure others have harped on this, but the UFC should start airing the prelims online LIVE, and THEN offer them for a fee after the show. I'm just saying!

To kick off the show we had Houston Alexander submit his way to me no longer believing in him at all. I was pulling for the guy. I really was. I read an article on another site saying we shouldn't question Alexander's ground ability just yet. Really? Well when should we start to question it? It seems like a pretty good time to me. I don't care how much training he's allegedly had. He's more or less going to get cut from the UFC at this point. Much like the great Chuck Liddell, it's time for Houston to get a new camp, some new coaches, or something! Eric Schafer isn't an impressive fighter by any means, but he executed a perfect game plan, ate a couple shots, and picked up the win. We can only market the single father/Cornhusker knockout artist so much until people begin to see he's more of a knockED-out artist. Bye Houston!

Next up we had Alan Belcher pick up a win over Ed Herman in an entertaining bout. This fight didn't really break any new ground or catapult either fighter up the ladder.

Clay Guida fought a boring fight. There I said it. His last couple of fights have been great, but this one was a snoozer. Maybe he made a bet with someone that he could take Mac Danzig down a dozen times and win a fight? Danzig was frustrated throughout the fight because he was probably told he was in a MMA fight and not a wrestling match. Well sometimes signals get crossed. I hope the UFC doesn't strap a rocket to Guida's ass because he doesn't deserve to move up the rankings after this one. If Guida wants to wrestle, put him in there with a Frankie Edgar or a Kurt Pellegrino and we'll see who can wrestle.

I'd like to thank Geico for supporting me, and Jesus, he was a carpenter. I'd also like to give a shout out to my big fat tub of goo brother.


The main event was without a doubt the fight of the night. Josh Neer impressed me for the first time, and Nate Diaz proved once again that he's straight up dangerous. I'm not a fan of his personality or his antics, but when he's in that cage he is fun to watch. Note to Joe Rogan: Buy a thesaurus before the next time Diaz fights and come up with a new word for "slippery". Thanks. I would like to see Diaz face some stiff competition in his next fight. Roger Huerta maybe? I hear KJ Noons might be available. Oh wait, he's going to go get murdered in the boxing world. My bad.

Stockton! Stockton! The best player ever for the Utah Jazz was Stockton!


EPISODE 19 of MMA LIVE on ESPN.COM
You have to watch this or they'll never put this on real TV.


MMA Clothing and "Collectables"
Not to be a grammar Nazi, but after purchasing three Round 5 MMA figures (Matt Hughes sucks) I noticed a typo on the package. So to the Round 5 guys, who are getting ready to release Series 2, it's spelled "collectible". Collectible is the noun. Collectable is an adjective. For instance, baseball cards are collectable. A Mickey Mantle commemorative plate is a collectible.

Anyway, great figures! Can't wait for Series 2!


I also want to try and do a "MMA shirt of the week" feature after showcasing the latest Kimbo Slice shirt last week. Like a true hypocrite, I purchased the shirt and will have a picture of myself in the shirt in a future column. You guys can make a caption for it, maybe I'll give away a toaster. It'll be fun. This week's shirt of the week comes to us from Cage Fighter.

I don't think they're talking about the band.


TOP 5 PLACES I WANT TO SEE A MMA EVENT HELD
1) The Vatican - The Holy-est place on Earth should definitely hold a UFC event as the international expansion continues. The Fertittas are Italian right? They'll be able to hook this up. Have the Pope be a guest judge for one of the fights, or have him bless the fighters in the main event. Catholics like MMA don't they? They don't consider it semi-abortion or anything? I don't know. I'd love to see Couture vs. Fedor in the Vatican. Can't you hear Joe Rogan saying "Randy Couture is my Pope!". I can. And I'm sure the fine T-shirt designers at Jesus Didn't Tap would want in on this action.

UFC 100: Crucifixtion...too soon?


2) Alaska - Is it too late to get in on the whole Sara Palin thing? It is? Damn, so close. Think of all the winter, cold, and ice puns that could be made if Chuck Liddell headlined a fight in Alaska. Mike Goldberg would have a field day. Another option could be Kimbo Slice versus a polar bear. Will it be any less of a mauling than Shamrock vs. Kimbo? I think not.

I always knew Tina Fey had a hot mom.


3) Mud Pit - I'm truly surprised that EliteXC hasn't given Gina Carano a dump truck full of money to fight in mud or jello or some other sexy substance. Do you think CBS would have a problem with it? This is the same network that has a sitcom that basically makes jokes about Charlie Sheen's crippling sex addiction. Honestly, can EliteXC be turned into anymore of a circus? If they don't do it, I'm sure Affliction will give it a go at some point.

I do not see a downside to this.


4) Yankee Stadium/Madison Square Garden - I wish they could've squeezed in a Fight Night at Yankee Stadium before the big closing. Maybe have A-Rod's ex-wife and Madonna slug it out for a few rounds? As for MSG, I seriously hope the UFC holds an event there soon. It would be a nice pimp slap in the face to Vinnie Mac and the WWE.

One last look at the House that Ruth built.


5) I couldn't come up with a fifth one so here's a picture of TUF winner Amir Sadollah and Verne Troyer.

Hey Verne, teach me how to drop bombs like the Love Guru.


END OF THE THIRD ROUND
That ends another "funny to some/not so much to others" edition of "The Verbal Submission". Thanks to CagePotato.com, MMA-core.com, Sherdog.com, FiveOuncesOfPain.com and ESPN.com for some of the info used in the column. I'd also like to shout out some of the other talented MMA writers here at 411mania.com. I don't plug them enough (or ever), which makes me a jerk, but I read them all, and they all rule. So check out Adam Tool, Bren Oliver, Jeremy Lambert, John Curry, Jonathan Solomon, and all the writers.

The Empire Hardcore Podcast is around sometimes at Podomatic.com and on iTunes. Be sure to check out my lame comedy on YouTube. Also, be sure to go here for my blog, which I update rarely with videos and words. I'll be back next Tuesday to give some thoughts on the upcoming EliteXC show, and to ramble on, and on, and on. Have a great week!

Kick. Punch. It's all in the mind.

-CPR

I take one week off from writing my column due to a nasty summertime cold/flu bug, and the whole MMA world falls apart. Antonio Silva is on steroids. Tito Ortiz wants a bajillion dollars to fight. IFL fighters are being snatched up like iPhones. It's chaos I tells ya! Seriously though it's good to be back, and as always, I have nothing to talk about. Wait.....OK, so a few things. My last column focused on potential super fights, with one becoming a reality (GSP/Penn 2), one being talked about a LOT (A. Silva/Liddell), and the rest being pretty much fantasy. However, a couple of comments and emails I received intrigued me. They pretty much echoed an opinion all around the web world of MMA, and that is a certain niche of MMA fans really hate ZUFFA and the UFC. Whether it's due to the debate on fighter's salaries, the monopoly on "top talent", or just a general dislike for Dana "Lex Luthor" White, some fans get their panties all bunched up when the UFC is praised. So in today's column, I'm going to take a look at the positives and negatives of the UFC's triangle choke on the sport, and then I'll give some quick thoughts on some recent MMA news items. Still reading? Well keep going!

Did you order an overweight comedic actor? I hope so, because I can't take him back.


ZUFFA: Italian for F*** YOU, WE CONTROL MMA
Love them, or hate them, the ZUFFA owned UFC is the dominant force in mixed martial arts today, much in the same way WWE dominates pro wrestling/sports entertainment. The two are similar in that they both receive a backlash against their dominance in the marketplace, which can't be compared to any other major sport. You rarely see baseball fans curse the name MLB in favor of minor league organizations, or see footballs fans decry the NFL in favor of Arena or Canadian Football. Granted, fans speak out vocally against teams, such as the New York Yankees, but never against the league itself. So is the UFC bad for MMA? Will the torch-bearing company eventually see the flame burn out?

FIGHTER'S PAY:

Now this point of contention is one I'm a bit uneasy about. After seeing the respective payouts for Jardine/Silva and Penn/Sherk after UFC 84, I was shocked. Now I know people will argue that Silva and Penn are the bigger names, but the difference in pay for Jardine/Silva was $140,000, and for Penn/Sherk it was $215,000. These guys were all in the same cage right? Stay calm. I know that the winning fighter receives a 50% bonus, but that still leaves Penn up $90,000, and Silva's salary was a flat rate. Of course, I'm not saying Jardine and Sherk are going on food stamps anytime soon because both have numerous sponsors to help pay the bills. The point I'm trying to make here is I can see where fans might feel that some fighters are getting the short end of the stick when it comes to money, and that ZUFFA/UFC will continue to pay fighters what they want simply because they can. To counter this point, you have to look at fighter's salaries from other organizations.

For the recent Affliction show, top heavyweights Andre Arlovski and Ben Rothwell were paid $500K and $250K respectively, with Andre receiving a $250K win bonus for a total of $750K. For the 7/26 EliteXC show on CBS, main event fighters Robbie Lawler and Scott Smith received $90K and $14K respectively, with Lawler's $90K including his win bonus of $45K. Meanwhile, alleged steroid user and EliteXC heavyweight champ Antonio Silva gets to stuff $200K in his wallet, while his opponent Justin Eilers nabbed just $20K.

This goes to show that the fighter salary controversy doesn't just lie in the UFC, but throughout the MMA world. In essence, it can be compared to other major sports like baseball and football. Not everyone on the field is making the same scratch even though they're playing the same game. Better players make more cash, veterans earn more than rookies, etc. etc. etc. So if the MMA fans of the world want to rag on ZUFFA for fighter salary problems, their argument doesn't hold much weight. So ZUFFA can be left alone on this one.

The Jose Canseco of MMA?


MARKETING and PUBLICITY

The key to ZUFFA's success has been getting the UFC in the faces of the people that want to watch. The other key is getting the UFC in the faces of the people who know nothing about MMA, but who may like wrestling or boxing, and hooking them on the sport. No one does this better than ZUFFA. The first step was packaging up the UFC in a fancy little box, called a television, and putting a big shiny bow on it, called a reality show. The Ultimate Fighter came along smack dab in the middle of the reality TV show boom, the same boom that saw the WWE produce the ill fated, though somewhat successful Tough Enough. The difference is that where Tough Enough wasn't designed to bring in a ton of new fans, the Ultimate Fighter made people open their eyes and drop their jaws.

After the success of The Ultimate Fighter, the flood gates opened. Once relegated to PPV and DVD sales, the UFC now had a television outlet to churn out UFC Unleashed and Fight Nights to continue the snowball effect of MMA popularity. Who doesn't love a good snowball? Now, start-ups like the IFL had similar television distribution, as does EliteXC, but they're not proving as effective (see IFL's recent demise). The reason? No marketing! As soon as the UFC had their new audience, the explosion began. Top stars like Chuck Liddell and Randy Couture were everywhere they could be; showing up on TV, in magazines, getting recognized during mainstream sports coverage, etc. You see Kimbo Slice anywhere but on E:60? I'm pretty sure no one watches that show. Do you ever hear them mention Gina Carano's MMA career on American Gladiators? Have you ever even heard of half of the IFL fighters that are being snatched up by the UFC, Affliction, and WEC?

The key to success in an up and coming phenomenon/sport like MMA is crossover marketing. Some of you may be aware that Kimbo Slice is in a new Nike campaign, but will that be enough? Do you think a lot of people relate to a guy that looks like Mr.T's nephew? I'm guessing more people are going to relate to a soft spoken tough guy like Chuck Liddell. He could beat your ass, but he'd probably buy you a beer after, and only slightly finger your girlfriend. I'm just saying! For the new kids on the block, Affliction and EliteXC, if they want to stick around for the long term, they're going to have build a bit more hype to catch the attention of the UFC fans who are pretty loyal to their ZUFFA masters. My point here is that again, it's not ZUFFA's fault they know how to market better. This is a business, and they're just better business people.

You don't train with old air conditioning units. And you want to be a MMA fighter?
..

BUILDING AND HYPING NEW STARS

Along with the star machine that is TUF, the UFC has continued to handpick up and coming fighters from smaller promotions, NCAA wrestling, and top MMA camps. It's hard to argue with the success of TUF as it's produced two world champions, and numerous top 10 fighters throughout the weight classes. The next four UFC cards are all headlined by TUF Alumni (Evans, Diaz, Bisping, Leben, and Cote). Of course, sometimes it's easy when the Brock Lesnar's of the world enter the fray, or a rival company collapses and the top stars are left homeless (IFL, WFA, PRIDE).

Most of the top TUF alumni have even returned to the show as coaches and/or made guest appearances. Now I'm not saying Affliction or EliteXC needs to mimic the TUF formula and create a reality show. It's difficult building a company around "unknown" fighters, and former UFC stars because in most cases the fighter is seen as being "not good enough" for the UFC anymore. The quotes in that sentence are meant to show a shared opinion by some people, not necessarily my own, so don't get too frazzled just yet. What the t-shirt jockeys and the CBS boys need to do, is pick two or three of their top guys/champs and build the hype. Find an angle, a story, anything surrounding their upcoming fights and exploit it through TV commercials, viral marketing, magazine articles, etc. Fedor came to fight in America for the first time which should have been epic. The "pound for pound best heavyweight" coming to conquer MMA in the states did only 100,000 buys. To me, that's a failure. They're a new company. So? They got their T-shirts on the back of every fighter and every tough guy in a bar. People know the brand. How about an extensive marketing in retail stores? Create a new line of "economically friendly" t-shirts for Wal-Mart, Sports Authority, Hot Topic, whatever, and plaster Affliction Banned posters in those stores. Good idea? Maybe?

The whole "MMA fans will watch" mentality has to go out the window. A glance at EliteXC's rating for their July show on CBS should put that mindset out of it's misery. Bottom line, UFC creates new stars, finds what chord they strike with fans, and shines a big bright spotlight on it, OR shines that light on that fighters upcoming fight. I'm not saying EliteXC and Affliction are the only companies in the world to retard their own progress in a sport. Look at boxing!

If Korea can market Fedor, why can't Affliction?


MMA news bit you might care about and might want an opinion on

Sengoku 4 was held in Japan and Kurt Angle's stunt double, Frank Trigg was victorious. Takanori Gomi was also victorious. People want Gomi in the US asap so he can face some top talent at 155. If he ain't here yet, he's scared, and/or dyslexic. You decide.

"Rampage" Jackson is rumored to be facing "Shogun" Rua in his first fight in the octagon since losing his world title. The fight may take place at the December show. I think this will be a good test for Rampage considering his recent struggles outside of the octagon. I hope someone drives him to the show or gives him a bus pass or something. No need to kill anymore unborn children just to face some guy named Shogun. I kid.

Matt Lindland will be facing off with Trevor Prangley at Affliction: Day of Reckoning. They know they named this show after a WWE video game right? Like seriously, someone told them right?

Jay Hieron will be facing Drew Fickett at Affliction: Day of Reckoning. Good to see the IFL champs getting a chance to fight without retarded animal names on the back of their clothes.

Thumbs up for not having to be an Anaconda, or a Silverback, or a Toad to Wet Sprocket.


Chuck Liddell wants to fight for another couple of years, but his main goal is getting a shot at the 205 gold. When Forrest Griffin heard that Liddell wants a shot at him he uttered some ridiculous backwoods analogy, and resumed work on Shrek 4.

And finally, KJ Noons does not want to face Nick Diaz in any way, shape, or form. It's believed that Noons still isn't sure whether or not Diaz is some sort of half goat-half man hybrid. Also, he hates stoners. Who doesn't? Honestly.

END OF THE THIRD ROUND
That ends the eleventh edition of "The Verbal Submission". Thanks to CagePotato.com, MMAJunkie.com, Rearnakednews.com and Sherdog.com for some of the info used in the column.

The Empire Hardcore Podcast returns this week after a two week lay-off at Podomatic.com and on iTunes. We cover pro wrestling, MMA, and whatever else comes to our minds. You might get a kick out of it, who knows. Be sure to check out my comedic vlogs on YouTube. Also, be sure to go here for my blog, which I will start updating more frequently this week. Food poisoning on top of a bad cold is the WORST. Anyway, I'll be back next Tuesday with a column previewing UFC 88, and responding to any fun comments/emails I receive. Have a good week.

Kick. Punch. It's all in the mind.

-CPR