Well, that was pretty awesome.

30 Seconds To Mars concert at the House Of Blues in Cleveland with Keerstan was, of course, amazing. Absolute highlight of the show: Stranger In A Strange Land as the closing song. My gods, incredible! There's really not much else to say. I do wish I'd gotten pictures though. However, I'm more than positive that getting sick, and I was seriously not feeling well last night, so I had to stay as far to the back and out of the crowd as I could. Oh, well, though. Still a wonderful experience.

And that's really all I want to talk about right now, because it does make me so happy. I feel as though I had almost forgotten my love of this band and my pride in being a part of this beautiful cult known as the Echelon. And now that love is back, and it would seem to be with a vengeance. So I am just going to stick to my happy little Thirty bubble right now, because the desire to kill people tries to come on each time I begin to drift away from it. So okay. Whoo!

Love to all. <3

Yes, in fact, it actually is about three o'clock in the morning and yes, in fact, I do actually have yet to sleep. Why does this surprise anyone anymore?!

So. Keerstan and I are heading to Cleveland to see 30 Seconds To Mars in concert on Saturday. This will be out first show of theirs in about three years or something absolutely fucking ludicrous like that. So of course we are really excited. I guess since I am not currently asleep and highly doubt that any real rest is going to find me at any point tonight, I should likely begin my packing now. I have therapy in the afternoon, and then to Keerstan's for the night, and then to Cleveland first thing Saturday morning. This should be awesome. Even though we are a tad bit disappointed with a few of the tracks on Thirty's latest album, This Is War, and even more disappointed by the fact that the Kanye West vocals from the demo version did not make the final cut of the CD's sixth track, Hurricane. Seriously...umm...Jared, Shannon, Tomo...you know we love you, but...you really, really should have left the Kanye bit alone, heh. The little touch of hip-hop flavour was a very nice touch. It's still a good song, though, but...yeah. My absolute favourite song from This Is War, however, is track eleven, Stranger In A Strange Land. It is, of all the new album, the most reminiscent of the apocalyptic space-rock of epic win they blessed us all with in 2002. So yeah, pretty amazing. Ha.

And apparently Keerstan has been making some friends for us at this weekend's concert, so we shall have awesome new Echelon to meet! Whoo! New friends are always fun, especially at shows, heh. Also, if Thirty include Hurricane into the setlist, as long as Keerstan still wants to do it with me, we plan to fucking bring it by screaming the Kanye vocals that were cut from the album version during the parts of the performance where they belong! Ha! Because we're just that cool...or...something. Umm...get down, girl, go 'head, get down? Yeah!

Unfortunately, though, my dearest Chelly leaves for the holidays back home with her family on Sunday, which is the day we return from Cleveland. So I really do hope that I get to bid her adieu before she heads out, but I'm doubting our paths will cross again until the holidays are over after Friday evening. Le booface. Meep.

And finally, I desperately need to go to the pharmacy tomorrow, because I've been lazy and absent-minded and have thus been off of Cymbalta for a few days now, and...umm...well...withdrawal isn't very much fun. So despite it doing next to nothing for my depression and physical pain and absolutely nothing for my anxiety...I guess I still need the shit. Yay for useless addictions! (>_<)

Well, I am going to keep blasting the demo of Hurricane (because Kanye makes this song better...shut up!) as well as throwing in some Gold Digger every once in a while. I'm a dork, yes, and a loser. But at least I'm an eclectic one. Yesh, yesh. So...shush! Heheh.

Yeah, okay, now I am beginning to doubt the amount of sense I am actually making, so...GOODNIGHT! ^_^

Love to all. <3

P.S. Keerstan... "HOLLA 'WE WANT PRENUP!'" ~_^

So. Hello, lovelies. Life is being all kinds of crazy at the moment, so this blog may end up being all over the place, but there's some awesomeness in there that requires being written about, so yeah. So we'll start with the good stuff, meow.

So yesh, yesh, of course, there was the Emilie Autumn concert here in Pittsburgh on Thursday. This, obviously, was made of epic awesometastic win. We were worried for a moment that we wouldn't make it to the show, as Chelly had some car issues for a few days there, but we ended up with a ride from the lovely Greg and Shanna thanks to Twitter, heh! So that was pretty great. And all four of us had the VIP tickets, so it really worked out. Before the show, we got to go backstage and get autographs from and photographs with the lovely EA herself, as well as a brief reading from her upcoming book, The Asylum For Wayward Victorian Girls. And of course, the concert itself was wonderful. It was also wonderful to meet amazing new people there, as well as getting to see such amazing people as Melissa, Emily, and Derek! And of course, it wouldn't be me without the pictures to prove it, ha! ^_^

Of course, photos were taken at the backstage VIP session, as I mentioned. This is from Chelly's camera...



Also, I took eighty-two pictures of the actual concert itself on my Blackberry. So I'll just throw in a quick sample for you. This is one of my favourites that I took, as it showcases everyone very well. Here you have Captain Maggot, Lady Aprella, Veronica Varlow, Emilie Autumn, and The Blessed Contessa...



And finally, Chelly snapped this one of myself with Derek, who was looking quite sexy for the show! Please excuse how stupid I look in this shot, though, meep...



And as usual, there are many more where that came from on Facebook! Feel free to click here, here, and here for more revelling! Ha?

So... Final notes on the EA concert... Chelly and I were dead centre in the very front row, right up against the barricade. Ah, hellz yeah. Songs that were played or otherwise performed by Emilie and The Bloody Crumpets were (mostly not in order) Best Safety Lies In Fear, 4 O'Clock, Opheliac, Liar, Misery Loves Company, The Art Of Suicide, God Help Me, Shalott, I Want My Innocence Back, Dominant, I Know Where You Sleep, Unlaced, 306, Dead Is The New Alive (Manipulator Remix), Face The Wall, Mad Girl, Bohemian Rhapsody, Thank God I'm Pretty. Same set as the Chicago show, except that they closed with Let The Record Show there, and did not play it at all this time.

Anyway, I won't go too much into everything else that I was worried I'd rant about and would cause this entry to go all kinds of everywhere, and in not such a good way, but I will give some quick hints as to life aside from that incredible time at Mr. Small's Theatre... So yeah, anyway, Chelly has been really sick. I mean, we spent hours in the emergency room on Friday so that she could get three litres of saline pumped into her IV type sick. She seems to be feeling better now, at least physically, but is unfortunately currently en route to Michigan to attend her beloved great-grandmother's funeral. So please, everyone, keep Chelly and her family in your thoughts. Thank you. And finally, I am now going to up and conclude tonight's blogging due to the fact that my back is fucking killing me, even more so than usual, and I need to go pop some Tylenol or something.

So there you have it, friends. Again I say...meow!

Love to all. <3

'Ello, everyone.

I hope that those who celebrated on Thursday had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Mine was actually really nice. Lots of cooking all day, and lots of deliciousness as a result. And we are holiday food elitists in my house. Fuck canned pumpkin in our pies, we buy whole pumpkins and cook them. Also, fuck canned sweet potatoes. We cook our own and candy them. It's just not the same otherwise, heh.

Also, Chelly returns to Pittsburgh this evening. This is very good, as I have missed her more than could possibly be healthy. Ha? Meep. As I must have mentioned earlier at some point, she spent Thanksgiving in Florida with her family. But it will be very nice to have her home.

And in other very happy news, the Emilie Autumn show here is on Thursday! This freaking Thursday! I am so excited about it I could just fucking burst, heh. As I am sure that Chelly, Emily, and Derek are, too! And I get my monthly cheque on Tuesday, so I am going to try and redye my pinkness beforehand. Heheh.

But I see my psychiatrist on Monday, and my anxiety has still been at an all-time high, and still interfering with my sleep, but I am growing increasingly nervous about asking for anti-anxiety meds from him. I don't know why, really, aside from the feeling that he likely is going to say no. But I really don't get what harm a simple request can do, as that is what he's there for, and why it's become yet another thing to be anxious about. Meh.

Well, I guess that's really about it for now. But by the way, Keerstan, I don't know whether or not you got my text, but...I am so sorry I can't come out for your shindig in the South Side tonight, but I am fucking flat broke. Anyway, I love you and Happy Early Birthday!

H'okays, that's that. Meow.

Love to all. <3

"Four o'clock.
Four o'clock.
Never let me sleep.
I close my eyes and pray
For the garish light of day.
Like a frightened child I run
From the sleep that never comes.

Four o'clock.
Four o'clock.
Out of bed I creep
To climb this tower of shame.
But the hour's still the same.
Only madness knows my name
At four o'clock.

Why can we never go back to bed?
Whose is the voice ringing in my head?
Where is the sense in these desperate dreams?
Why should I wake when I'm half past dead?

Sure as the clock keeps its steady chime.
Weak as I walk to its steady rhyme.
Ticking away from the ones we love..."
Emilie Autumn - 4 O'Clock.

So. Ah, yes. Hello, four o'clock hour. How nice to see you. Except, you know, not.

Umm, so yeah. Obviously, I cannot sleep. Things have just been keeping me awake for a few hours now. It's been a lovely bit of not being able to breathe, not being able to control how fast I breathe, not being able to control how fast my heart beats, other such general anxiety attack symptoms, horrendous physical pain, inability to stop shaking, and/or...well...I think you get the point. And of course, I've no fucking clue why.

I mean, I had a pretty damned good day up until I tried to end it! Caught up on Heroes via Internetz, since I neglected to watch it when it aired Monday evening. Went to T.G.I. Friday's with Vincent, which was yummy. Then came back to my house and watched The Boondock Saints in honour of the fact that Vincent and Chelly's cinema gets All Saints Day in tomorrow! Which, of course, Vincent and I are likely going to make plans to see, even if I did see it with Chelly and Keerstan in Philadelphia.

But now...well...now I am angry at my nightly med cocktail for failing me, despite the fact that it now includes Trazadone, which is a fucking sleeping pill, and wondering how to sell my useless hollow soul on the goddamned black market for a single bloody Ativan, and I mean now! I am going to ask my psychiatrist about Ativan when I see him again on Monday, but I don't have my hopes up very high for it. He is, oddly enough given his profession, a bit anti-medication. For example, as I mentioned via Twitter, he absolutely hates me being on Abilify.

And I know, as Isaura pointed out in a tweet of her own, that I really should be comfortable enough with my own friggin' psychiatrist to be able to ask for meds without feeling terribly awkward. But...umm...oh, well? I'll figure it out, I guess. But I do intend to tell him that my anxiety is getting worse, and that while the Cymbalta is often helpful with my mood, it doesn't do much in this area. And that I've already tried Buspar to prevent panic attacks as well as general anxiety, and it really didn't. And that I have taken Ativan before, and successfully. And that, well, I fucking need something here. Unfortunately, this isn't the type of medication you can really be persistent about when asking for it. I don't want to beg and plead him for benzos, and I realise that there' s really no way to do this without coming off as drug-seeking. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my...

Wow, it's almost five now. Fucking hell. Well, I am seriously assuming that I'm going to be up for some time, so will someone pwease keep this poor kitteh company? I am currently logged onto AIM (ask if you need the screenname), and I am willing to log on to MSN (same deal) and/or Skype (ditto) for anyone who is awake and willing to talk to me! Also, if you're up and in the States, texts and/or calls (preferably calls) are always, always, always welcome! Don't have my phone number? Well, I'm pretty liberal with it, so don't be afraid to request it! Meep...

Okays. That's that. I'll likely edit this later to let everyone know whether or not I ever got any sleep at all, and how I'm doing later on and such whatnot. Meow.

Love to all. <3

EDIT: It is almost one o'clock in the afternoon now and I am sorry to report that I still have not slept. But thank you for the text, Emily. And I ended up texting Anita about my increasing anxiety sometime around a quarter 'til ten this morning. Of course, she wanted me to come in and see her today. However, as I told her, I not only have zero money to get to her office, but I would be too worried about myself going all the way there and riding all of those buses (four in total) on my own while running on no sleep. So no therapy for me. Oh, well. Anyway, I am either going to go lay on the couch and listen to Emilie Autumn's all-violin album, Laced/Unlaced, which is absolutely beautiful and quite soothing, or continue blasting her Opheliac album and start jumping around and singing along in hopes of gaining some energy. Eep. Hugs and stars for everyone.

So. I am all by my lonesome and already a bit bored, so I guess I'll blog something quickly.

Poor, dear Chelly Bean left for the cinema not too long ago, as she has to work tonight's midnight premier of New Moon. I extend my pity toward her hardcore right now, heh. But at least she told me she gets to work with one of her friends at her job, and this friend hates Twilight as much as we do. So I guess that's something positive, meep.

So yeah, I'm just kind of here, being all lonely and emo...ha. Someone should instant message me or something of that sort. And I might call Doug, as I keep unintentionally ignoring him... Yeah, I suck as a friend sometimes. Sorry about that. I don't know what's wrong with me sometimes. But I have come to some pretty lame realisations today. I think too much sometimes. I really need to learn to make my brain shut the fuck up on occasion.

I realised today that I don't think I have a single self-destructive behaviour left in my life right now, and while I realise that I ought to be proud of this fact, I must admit that I am quite unhappy about it. I mean, giving up every last way I had of causing myself some form of physical harm was not something I did willingly or even intentionally. I used to cut. I used to burn. I used to starve. I used to purge. I used to smoke. And most recently, I used to engage in submissive sexual acts that would leave me with bruises and other such marks. And I realise that there's probably more sex in my future, but that is certainly something I won't be ready for again for some time. And I am happy that my eating disordered days are over. And my bank account is rather pleased about my quitting smoking, I know. But me? Well, I really miss smoking sometimes still, and have really been craving cigarettes as of late. I have especially been craving cloves, which I know are even worse for you than regular cigarettes. And I cannot even believe this sometimes, but I still tend to miss my days of self-injury. I still long to cut and/or burn, even nearly five years since I stopped. Yet I just can't bring myself to do it. But I am beginning to fear that with all of these other outlets now gone, and people getting really fucking fed up with the fact that I often use property destruction as an alternative to self-harming, it's only a matter of time until I regress. Oh, meh. Who knows, who knows...

I want to be better. I honestly do. And I am sorry that I'm not. I can't help but somehow feel that it's my fault. That if I just tried a little bit harder, I could overcome my demons. And I am trying, I really am. I just...I don't know. I don't fucking know anything.

And I really did intend for this to be a quick entry. But of course, as usual, I fail. Sorry.

Anyway, finally, that's that.

Love to all. <3

Hello again, friends. I keep debating upon whether or not I actually want to write anything today, as I feel like I really just need to shut the fuck up for a while, but I supposed I'll go ahead and blog something, anyway. Because, well, that's just me for you.

Had an emergency appointment with Anita yesterday. She wants me to write myself a letter to address my self-loathing, so I would write to myself about my feelings as though I were writing to a close friend with such emotions. It's supposed to be done by my Thursday appointment, but knowing me...well...about that. Meep. I also sent her quite the email last night, to which she's yet to respond, and now I sorely regret it. Which I know is stupid, feeling guilty about reaching out to one's own therapist. Umm, meh?

I keep listening to the song 306 by Emilie Autumn on repeat, which is probably an incredibly dumb move on my part, but it just keeps drawing me in. I find it to be utterly haunting at this point, especially the one line that goes: "My reasons to live were my reasons to die, but at least they were mine." It's just helpful, in some ways, to hear these kinds of things being expressed by someone else. Even if it is, in other ways, on the verge of being quite counterproductive. Sigh.

On the plus side, the dress I ordered from Hong Kong via eBay came in the mail yesterday, and it is so gorgeous that I simply had to wear it to therapy. Chelly took this photo of me right outside of Anita's office.



Anyway, I am trying really hard to keep myself level. I had a great text-chat session with Isaura last night, which was simply wonderful. And Chelly has been so good to me, despite dealing with her own stuff right now. I feel kind of awful about being so weak and petty, but I can't just switch these emotions on and off like a light. Trust me, I would if I could. But I am almost grateful for the fact that I've cried so much in the past couple of days. As many of you know, crying is something I am very rarely able to do properly, so it's been kind of nice to actually be able to cry as I feel I should be able.

It's just been a difficult couple of weeks for me now, and though it has obviously escalated recently, I am very much looking forward to this rough patch being over and done with. Meep.

Shutting up now...

Love to all. <3

"If I'm going down,
Then I'm going down good.
If I'm going down,
Then I'm going down clean.
If I'm going down,
Then I'm going--
The prettiest broken girl
You've ever seen.
If I'm going down,
Then I'm going down good.
If I'm going down,
Then I'm going down clean.
If I'm going down,
Then I'm going--
The prettiest wretched whore
You've ever seen..."
-Emilie Autumn (Let The Record Show).

It feels so petty. It does. I feel so stupid for being such a mess right now. But I cannot remember the last time I felt so worthless. I mean, I have had enough people show me how unimportant I am in terms of being easy to discard or replace, but this somehow feels so much different. So much worse. And I haven't even been discarded or replaced in this situation. But it's just like I've been riding this sort of high for going on a year now, and now I'm crashing and burning. On this "high" I did some things that I am really not proud of. And now I just feel so dirty. I feel like a dirty, worthless whore. And I just never thought I'd be here, as I am right now. And it just sucks.

And what doesn't help matters is my inability to be upset with him. I'm too busy blaming myself for my stupidity. I knew that I should never have said anything. Hell, I knew that I should never have even started doing this whole thing to begin with. But I honestly thought I could handle it when it all began. I knew I couldn't handle telling him. So it was just ridiculously dumb of me to do so. But it's not his fault that he doesn't feel what I was hoping he would. Just as it's not my fault that I do feel what I feel. So I really have no reason to be angry, despite what a few of my friends have been saying (heh?). But I still just cannot help but feel as though there is something inherently wrong with me. I mean, it's been five years since I have been romantically close to another person. And I am usually okay with this fact. But I often just have to wonder what is so not-special about myself that could possibly be the reason for this sometimes harsh truth. I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I just want to wake up and realise that none of this ever happened.

Anyway, I just want to tell a few people how much I love them, as an extension of yesterday's blog's shout-outs. Chelly, Kyle, Keerstan, Johanna, Isaura, Doug, Heather S., Emily, Ellen, Cate, Zach... Danke much, you guys. Heart you darlings so, so much. Meep.

Alright, I'm concluding now. I just needed to rant for a bit, I suppose...

Love to all. <3

Hey.

I've been feeling really guilty lately about writing these kinds of entries; I feel bad about the fact that so many of my updates are filled with such negativity. That's why I've been trying to not blog as often these days, and to save my posts for the good days. But that's just bullshit, on top of being deceitful. I want to be okay, and I want people to think I'm okay. But the truth is that, a great deal of the time, I am simply not. And it's just as annoying for me as it is for you, if not more so. Trust me.

That being said, I suppose I ought to get into an actual entry. Although, as what seems to be the usual case lately, I don't quite know what to say or how to say it. I know that I have been feeling really, really self-destructive over the past couple of weeks or however long it's been, even though I don't exactly know why. I'm just noticing more and more that seeing cigarettes and people smoking them has been a major trigger for me over this period of time, even though it's been several months since I quit and neither I nor my bank account have any intention whatsoever of ever picking up the habit again. But smoking somehow seems to be the easiest and (however false this idea may be) most logical way to express this need for self-destruction that I have been feeling so much for this while... At the very least, there is no denying that it is the most socially acceptable outlet, however wrong that may be. But the need to hurt myself has been showing up in other ways, as well, such as the desire to regress and get back into my old ways of cutting and burning. Again, I have no intention of actually doing these things, especially as it has been nearly five years since I gave up self-injury and I am far too obsessed with time to give up such a streak without a real fight. But damn, it's getting difficult.

And of course, I wrote most of this entry about an hour and a half or so ago, and now it needs a finishing up. And well, I just said some things I shouldn't have and fucked my own day up even more. So I am going to run along now and do my best to pretend I'm okay... As for those who know what the hell I am talking about, thank you for your kind words. Chelly, Kyle, Vincent, Keerstan, Johanna, Isaura, Doug... Heart you guys.

And that truly is enough for now.

Love to all. <3

Hello, my name is Julianna Belle, and I am disaster.

I had a terrible night, and I hadn't had a bad night in a while. So last night was incredibly disappointing, on top of everything else. I was up until sometime past three o'clock in the morning just trying to stay grounded, keep a grip on reality, remind myself that there was no one present who would want to hurt me. Chelly is probably going to be a tad irked with me when she reads of this, as I did not even try to wake her up to tell her something was wrong, so I suppose I might as well just mention her and tag her in the Facebook note so she can just see it and whatnot. But I really didn't feel as though I could turn to anybody; I just didn't know what to say or even if I was at all capable of saying it. I still don't even really know how to say it. It just feels so stupid coming from me. Especially because it's almost entirely questions with next to no answers. I don't know. And now I don't even feel like I'm making any sense. I'm probably not.

Anyway. The Famous Living Dead Brigade held an official chat on the homepage yesterday evening, which was cool. Everyone should definitely get in on the next one. Inspired by Melissa getting Voltaire to do it, I really want to try and get Emilie Autumn to take a picture for Project: I Am Art when I get to meet her during the VIP dealie after her concert in Pittsburgh next month. Should be awesome. But seriously, for those not involved with the FLDB, you need to remedy this. Our website is located at http://www.famouslivingdeadbrigade.com, and you should go there and sign up now. You won't be sorry, I promise. Seriously, amazing things are in the works over there, and by amazing people like Rose and Mycki and other awesomes. Get in on it. Meep.

Well, umm, okay. I am calling it a day for this entry now.

Love to all. <3

"One, two, three, four, five!
What is the new alive?!"
"...Dead is the new alive!"

WHOA MY GODS, MY LIFE CAN BE FUCKING AWESOME SOMETIMES. I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY RIGHT NOW. HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY. DID I MENTION THE EPIC WIN? NO? WELL, THEN ALLOW ME TO DO SO.

So. Let me start from the beginning of this latest installment of Fucking Epic Win That Happens In Julianna Belle's Life From Time To Time. It all began with Emilie Autumn posting a date in Chicago for the first leg of her latest Asylum Tour (The Key), and Chelly and I having no idea that she was later going to end up going on a second leg of The Key Tour, which is coming to Pittsburgh on the third of December. (Yes, we are going to that, as well, and so is Emily, which should be awesome. Even more awesome: we have the VIP tickets for the Pittsburgh show. Oh, hellz yes. But I digress.) So we decided that we would attend this concert of Mademoiselle Emilie's in Chicago, and so did Lauren in Indiana, who was also kind enough to let us stay with her.

So before the concert, there was a Muffin Meetup (tea party). It was being organised on the Emilie Autumn forums, which neither Chelly nor I were previously members of (though we both are now; go find us!), but yay for the fortunate fact that Lauren was and that she saw this and that we were in attendance! We met some amazing Plague Rats at the meetup, and it was just the best pre-show socialisation ever humanly possible. And of course, then there was the concert itself. Emilie and her Bloody Crumpets were just the most incredible performers. It was insane. They came out to a recording of Best Safety Lies In Fear, the opening song was 4 O'Clock, the second song was Opheliac, and the closing song was Let The Record Show. Though I don't remember any of the rest in order, we also heard Liar, I Want My Innocence Back, Shalott, The Art Of Suicide, Dead Is The New Alive, I Know Where You Sleep, Misery Loves Company, God Help Me, Bohemian Rhapsody, 306, Mad Girl, Thank God I'm Pretty, and an amazing violin solo. And now I am so unbelievably excited to see this all again next month! Especially with the VIP passes giving us the promise of a semi-private reading of her upcoming book, The Asylum For Wayward Victorian Girls, a meet and greet, and photo opportunities with Emilie herself! Squee!

Anyway, here are some photos from the Muffin Meetup! I'll admit, I didn't actually take any of these, myself, and I am a dirty thief. But hey, I was tagged in these on Facebook, and that gives me some rights, dammit! At least, it might. Heh.


++ John, Ryan, Megan, Unknown, Mikaila, Joey, Caitlin, Unknown, Ian, Julianna, Amanda, Chelly, Lauren, Bev, Amy; from Caitlin's camera.


++ Though no one is looking, heh... Lauren, Julianna, Bev, Ryan, John, Mimi, Ella; also taken from Caitlin.


++ Lauren took this one of herself with Chelly and me. Yayness! Tee hee.

And here are some photos I took of the actual show! ^_^


++ Emilie Autumn's grand entrance to the stage...


++ THIS is how close I was. Taken with no zoom on a camera phone. Win!


++ The glorious Miss Emilie on stage...


++ Maggot and Veronica with Emilie...


++ Aprella and Emilie... Oh, my! Heheh.


++ Another good shot of how close to the stage we were...


++ Emilie waving a flag with SUFFER written on it...


++ Violin love! (And this is the new background screensaver on my phone! Whoo!

Oh, and the rest of the photos from this lovely Evening With Emilie Autumn can be found here!

Also, today was made of some pretty awesometastic win! Because today was the day I finally got to meet my Ellen Star, who has been a dear friend of mine from afar for about four or five years now. Yet we had somehow never seen each other face to face before this afternoon, meep! It may have been brief, and it may have been a very long time coming, but it was just fantabulous! It was so surreal to be with her in person, but it felt so natural at the same time. It was just really freaking cool. And of course, I had to take a few pictures of such a momentous occasion! So here you are!


++ JuJuBee and Elle at the park...


++ Kisses for Julianna Belle!


++ Kisses for the lovely Miss Ellen!


++ My personal favourite photo of the day!


++ One more, for good measure! Meow!

So yes, good times. I am all kinds of happified. Ha, ha. Whee!

Well, okay, that is certainly enough for one epic blog, heh!

Love to all. <3

'Ello, friends! I haven't updated in a few, yet again, and I am in a much better mood than I was when I last blogged, so I figured this would be a good time to type up a new entry. Meow.

Anyway, I hope that everyone had a wonderfully Happy Halloween! Mine was spent mostly in a car or asleep, but it was still a good one. Chelly and Keerstan were going to Philadelphia for Dracula's Ball, and though I was not attending the concert/party/shindig/thing, I ended up going on this road trip with them at the very last minute. So that was cool. Turns out, I actually like the city of Philadelphia! Can you believe that?! Heheh. And apologies to Kyle and Heather B. for our inability to see you guys when we were so nearby. Maybe next time?

Oh, and! Right before we left Philadelphia to come home to Pittsburgh, we got to see The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day, as they had showings there but the fact that the movie is a very limited release apparently means that our home city no can has. And let me tell you, it was epic! Of course it was not as good as the original, but we were all three still quite pleased with it. And they definitely left it open for a third installment, so fingers crossed! ^_^

Anyway, this is mostly going to be a picture post, because I am feeling extra fucking narcissistic, and I took a lot of random photos out of boredom while alone in the hotel Saturday night. Heh.


++ Chelly, looking awesome before the Ball.


++ Keerstan and Chelly, sexy and about to take off to the club.


++ And the random Julianna-shots begin... Oh, noes!


++ This photo somehow reminds me of my dear Ellen... Hmm...


++ As does this one, heh. This is also my new Twitter icon...


++ Spooky eyes! And not 'Shopped. I promise!


++ My eyeball. Umm, boo?


++ On the ride back to Pittsburgh, wearing Keerstan's kickass hat.


++ I'm not supposed to look so angry here, eep! I wasn't mad, I swear!

H'okays, well, that's certainly enough for now! Meow!

Love to all. <3

P.S. One more, just for fun...


++ An ad from a Philadelphia paper. Kyle and Marya and Keerstan and Vincent should appreciate this, heheh...

(^_^)

So. I have amazing and exciting news. If you pay attention to Twitter or Facebook statuses, then you have probably already seen this. But either way, it is definitely worth sharing in blog form, because I am now the happiest I have been in a long time, possibly ever. I just feel so liberated, and it's simply incredible.

I have finally come to the realisation that I do not need to be defined by my weight, and that my eating disorder does not have dominion over me. As a matter of fact, despite this being my highest weight and despite what my BMI says, my size is fine. I admit, I have gained a lot over the past few months, and according to my BMI, I am just a smidgen overweight. But you know what?! Fuck the BMI. I don't need it or a scale to tell me how to live my life or what it means to be happy! I still look good, dammit. Plus, I have nice boobs and a nice ass now! These are two traits I was seriously lacking in when my eating disorder was ruling my life. And even then, when I was actually quite thin, I still thought I was a fucking blimp and I was never going to be content with myself if I had continued down that path. So fuck my eating disorder and all the misery it can cause! I am even happier with my body right now than I was a year or two ago when I was far skinnier! And I am so fucking proud of myself, there are just no words. I cannot believe that I am typing these words, that I am even thinking these thoughts. But I am. And it is the most wonderful feeling.

And thank you to everyone who has shown support thus far! Melissa, Keerstan, Vincent, Kyle, Ellen, Zach, Nik, Rose, Emily M., Kim, Isaura, Meredith, Alice, Kristin, Johanna S., Wendy, Hana, Brenna, Rachel C., Brittany D., Brittany J., et cetera, et cetera! I seriously heart you guys!

Of course, life is never perfect, and I am still having some difficulties here and there. Okay, so really just one big difficulty surrounding one big yet terribly petty issue. But I digress. And anyway, fuck that, because right now I just want to focus on how awesome I feel about this. Epic win, man. Fucking epic.

Love to all. <3

Hey! Who missed me?! Heheh.

So Chelly and I spent Monday through Friday in Kentucky (Frankfort and Lexington, to be specific) as a surprise to her mother, as well as to visit awesome people down there. We got home Friday night, and this is really the first chance I've had to blog since getting home. We didn't have Internet access on our trip, so it's nice to have the world at my fingertips once again, ha! But it really was a great time. I got to meet neat people like (of course) Chelly's mother and Chelly's mother's fiancé, as well as Johanna-Face (at last) and Ariel. In addition, we may or may not have picked up the greatest souvenir of all time from the Lexington Humane Society...a kitten! Yes, we got a kitten. She is teeny-tiny and all black and we named her Stella Luna Autumn. Stella is currently exploring her new home, and she is just the sweetest little girl, as well as ever so curious! Fiona is already very jealous of her, and we still have to introduce Stella to Easter and Dutchie. So here's hoping all goes well with that, eep! Meow.

Anyway, I am just going to use the rest of this entry as an excuse to picspam! Mostly photos of our time hanging out with Johanna. Also a few of Stella. Enjoy! ^_^


++ Chelly driving to Kentucky...


++ A me, on the ride there on Monday.


++ Kentucky skies. They don't even look real...


++ Julianna and Johanna! Name twins united! Whoo!


++ Me and a great stop sign near Chelly's old house...


++ Chelly intrudes upon a photo of me and J-Ho, heh...


++ Johanna and Chelly and me at Third Street Stuff. Win!


++ The lovely JET-O, as seen through Chelly's passenger side mirror.


++ Chelly and her amazing new bumper sticker! Very FLDB of her, yes?


++ Chelly and Johanna in Downtown Lexington, and...umm...yeah... Heheh.


++ Johanna-Face and Chelly Bean showing the love by a prettiful fountain!


++ Johanna Ellen Tevis-Orona, you are über sexy. Rawr, I say! Rawr! (Meow!)


++ A Julianna Belle and a fountain. I am trying to be all cool and pretty, meep.


++ Julianna, Johanna, kisses, and a Chelly in the background! Whoo! Tee hee.


++ Julianna Belle, you are so not cool enough to pull off this pose, heh... Le meep.


++ Johanna gets a lift from le Chelly... How cute, no? Yesh, yesh! The adorableness burns!


++ Stella Luna getting some noms in Frankfort. My boot is for comparing her size. Itty bitty kitty!


++ Stella with her Mommy JuJu. I love this kitten so freaking much! Meep!


++ And Stella looks none too pleased to have camera flash in her face here. But still cute!


++ Stella and me on the way home to Pittsburgh from Frankfort on Friday. Kitteh Love!


++ Finally, a non-Kentucky photo. This is Stella from today, sleeping in the antique doll bed that my great-great-grandfather made and I inherited. Awww!

J-Ho took a bunch of photos on her camera, as well, which I may steal and post in a later blog. But I believe that this was certainly enough for now, le meepy sheep! Teheh. So okays, I shall conclude for now. Le meow! =^.^=

Love to all. <3

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHELLY! ^_^

Also, a Happy Birthday to Johanna S.!

Additionally, a Happy Birthday to Deena!

(Wow, this is just an über popular day to pop 'em out, isn't it?! Heheh.)

...So Nik and Chelly and Johanna S. and Chelsea and Bryan and Kurt and people I didn't know and I all had a great time at the midnight showing of Rocky Horror at the Oaks Theatre last night! This was only my second time doing it, but it was great fun and just reminded me that I need to do it more often! And of course, both Chelly and Johanna turn twenty today, so Johanna brought cupcakes to Rocky in honour of their dual birthday! Whoo! Also, photos were taken. Of course, ha. So here you are!


++ Chelly is cute, and Johanna is probably possessed.


++ Kurt dressed as Dr. Frank-N-Furter and looking awesome!


++ Chelsea is adorable, as you can see. She is also holding a tray, as you probably cannot see.


++ Chelly was le cold after the show, so Johanna kept her warm with her boobs... Heh. And yay for Birthday Girls!

And I suppose that's it for now. Chelly Bean is hanging out with her father and step-mother, who are in town for her birthday, and some family friends of hers in the area at the moment. I am to join them for fun times later on. So whoo! Teheh. ^_^

Love to all. <3