.. So after an 18 hour flight to Johannesburg and firing a hired driver who told me "Aparteid wasn't as bad as they make it sound" I finally saw Johanneburg with Arn, a black South African driver/tour guide who had a different take.
Saw Oprah last night at The Lion King with her "girls" all decked out in their kelly green school Uniforms, each emblazened with a patch on their blazer that reads, "Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy For Girls"
I may change the name of my summer tour to "The Lizz Winstead Leadership Academy for
Girls and Boys who are Begging for New Leadership"
That would be a big ass patch for the uniforms though...

Lion King was amazing. 100 percent African cast. It brings you to tears I tell ya.

Today I went to Soweto and learned I didn't really cry last night, I really cried today

Just finished 3 nights at the Arlington Cinema and Drafthouse in Arlington, VA
It is the first road gig of the "Lizz Winstead's Decision 2008: A Race for the Cure" tour.

First off, I haven't been on the road for 10 years and so my trepidation of going back to telling political jokes to guys who dream of a day when someone will invent a couch that flushes was a bit disconcerting.
But good news, none of them showed.
It was a week of fun, smart thoroughly pissed off comedygoers wanting me to spew my lizzisms!.
Bruce Cherry Is my partner in crime in this tour and watcing bruce kill with his "I've grown a pussy!" joke put a smile on my face every night!
It was a joy and a delight and The club itself and the folks who run it have a refreshing dedication to preserving the vision of what I got into comedy for in the first place.
If you love the idea of a comedy club that makes talent and thoughful comedy a priority and I tired of the walmatization of the comedy scene.
Check these guys out!
www.arlingtondrafthouse.com


Thanks Tim, Greg, Shari and Colleen! You made my year!

Next stop on the tour: Boston

So Check it out Boston Lizzbians!

Prince pulled it off.
No, I am not parroting all the, "Prince was clean and gentle and massively appealing to the mainstream" crap I have been reading about Princes performance.
The AP wrote the assholey line, "The Artist Formerly Known as a Munchkin of Wardrobe Dysfunction began by singing ''Let's Go Crazy,'' but he didn't."
Really….
The New York Times headline? "A Noncontroversial Prince, Just the Way the N.F.L. Likes Him"
Wrong again. I couldn't even bear to read the article.
No Prince royally pulled off being Prince, and apparently neither the mainstream media nor the moral police caught it.
But then again, understanding subtlety isn't what lands you that job as a corporate media music critic now is it?
If you have ever seen prince perform, you know that at his worst, it is the best show you will ever see. His sexual over and undertones would make Mother Angelica question her vows.
Last night was no exception.
He rocked, seeming oblivious to the downpour. He did an amazing medley that included, "Lets Go Crazy", The Foo Fighters, "Best of You" and Dylan's "All Along The Watchtower".
I was particularly excited with his choice to do "Proud Mary" with the Florida A&M marching band.
Both Prince and I attended public high school in Minneapolis in the late 1970's and you could not escape a varsity football game without hearing the band crank out Proud Mary at halftime.
I have decided that is why he chose it.
But it was when he launched into Purple Rain things got gone.
He switched his guitar to use the one shaped like his symbol, He starts "Purple Rain" and the crowd goes nuts.
Not suprising because the fans were subjected to a downpour throughout the entire first half. It was a much needed catharsis.
Cute and befitting the crowd sings its heart out.

But then Prince turned on all of his Prince-iness.

The lights dimmed. A huge translucent screen came down and Prince was in shadow. He was in profile and his guitar, with its rounded bottom and long, ahem, shaft, became his, ahem, Purple Vein.
He hits a solo in profile, thrusting to the right, then to the left, then straight on.
Up and down, slow and precise. There was no mistaking to me what he had intended by this visual,
Brilliant.
I was screaming in my living room. I started scouring the internet to see if other Prince fans caught it or to see if the God Squad had instantly slapped up a petition to sue CBS.
Nothing.
Then I thought, "Maybe I was so hoping Prince would be Prince that my nasty little mind was making a, (Prince please don't take this the wrong way) mountain out of a mole hill.
I was desperate to find someone who saw what I saw. So desperate that I forced myself to actually read the Times review.
It wasn't until I read the last line that I felt vindicated, when the reporter asks his readers:
"Did you see his face during the first verse of "Purple Rain," when he tossed his bandana into the crowd? He looked as if he were getting away with something.
DUH YOU MORON! HIS GUITAR WAS A GIANT ERECT WEINER FOR MILLIONS TO SEE! HOW DID YOU MISS IT WERE YOU LISTENING TO A PODCAST OF THE SHOW????
Ok, deep breath.
Remember: Understanding subtlety isn't what lands you that job as a corporate media music critic now is it?

HUFFPO 2.4.07

At his speech before Democratic lawmakers at their retreat in Williamsburg, VA, our Demander- in-Chief made this statement with a straight face:

"You know, I welcome debate in a time of war and I hope you know that."

I hope they had the foresight to pass out barf bags before he spoke.

How can he actually say out loud to the very people he has shut out of every debate on major issues that he WELCOMES DEBATE?
Pardon my skepticism, but he calls himself the decider for Chrissakes!
How many deciders welcome debate?

George Bush welcoming debate is about as plausible as Pat Robertson welcoming feminists or Ahmadinejad welcoming Jews.

Now I don't want to imply that he never debates.

I'm positive he exhaustively deliberated when we go into war with Iraq, not if we should. Surely he spent days kicking around who would be the best administration heavy to pressure scientists to alter their findings on global warming.

And he must lock a few horns every time he must decide which extremist ideologue should serve as a Supreme Court Justice or UN Ambassador.

I hope his dumbfounding rhetoric inspired a chain reaction of disbelief that involved eye-rolling and subtle nudging, especially in the wake of the CBO report claiming the Bush troop surge is a gross underestimation of troop number and cost.

If George Bush really welcomes debate at a time of war, then I hope the Dems first order of business will be not a debate to decide if we were lied to about this war, but how many times.

So I am sitting here writing about the Rich Little/Colbert kerfuffle for this weeks Huffington Post. I have my TV on and in the background I hear, "Everybody's Happy Nowadays", one of my favorite Buzzcocks songs. I don't look up, figuring it's just Volkswagon or Target hipping it up again, or worse a cruiseline using Iggy! As a side bar;  if you have a "Lust For Life" my guess is that your vacation choices don't involve Old Country Buffet on a boat. Anywho, the voice over comes up and tells me the the ad is for AARP and I look up and see elderly folks donning paper birthday hats having cake, all the while Pete Shelley is singing. I stopped typing as I realized I am 10 years out from AARP eligibility and that indeed this is my future. Then I thought, I hope AARP is gonna take it one step further and start a chain of retirement communities for the aging music fans of the 70's and 80's. How great would it be? Instead of the resident who, every tuesday night plays Satin Doll on the accordion, Our old geezers will pound out a questionable version of "Bastards of Young." We won't care how bad it is, we will belt out the words with glee. Even when we can't remember them.We could have theme nights, Glam, New Wave, punk, Grunge and our grandkids can come and laugh at our costumes and we can shower them with stories about the days when, "We were Cool."They will laugh, unable to fathom such a time, but we will know its true.

So who's in for eating Banana pudding with me in 2047 at the Punk Rocking Chair retirement home? 

According to The Associated Press, The Defense Department has drafted a manual for trying detainees at Guantanamo, that would allow terror suspects to be imprisoned, convicted and executed on the basis of hearsay evidence or coerced testimony.
OK, just when you thought the DoD's "No Human Rights Violation Left Behind" policies couldn't get any worse, now this?
It's like they are consulting the editors of Star Magazine on how to use rumor and inudendo to sell their glossy war on terror.
Discuss..

I Sorta Remember Something Called "Peace of Mind"

In his unending journey to prove he is decades behind the 8-ball, President Bush declared on "The News Hour" last night that, "Americans sacrifice peace Of mind when they see the terrible image of war on TV"
Peace of mind? I vaguely remember that. Wasn't it popular in that bygone era
when things like a living wage, secure pension, affordable healthcare and bankruptcy protection were also part of the vernacular.
Peace of Mind is the 8- track tape player of states of mind, but we are living in a digital download world.
It seems to me that while many of us lay awake nights trying to figure things like how to pay for healthcare, how to save for your kids college, pay your rent, and panic that the earth will be underwater before the kids even make it to college, peace of mind is running at a deficit before we can even find the time to sit down and see the terrible images of war on TV.
Correction Mr. President, most hardworking Americans "Sacrificed their peace of mind" roughly 6 years and 2 months ago.
This president has often said he sleeps well, so maybe he's the one person who still has peace of mind to lose. As for the rest of us, we probably would lose it, if it wasn't already used up on all the other things that keep us up at night

The Opposite Happened………

In the first 2 minutes of Bush's stunningly non persuasive speech to the nation, he made a startling remark that begs further examination.

"When I addressed you just over a year ago, nearly 12 million Iraqis had cast their ballots for a unified and democratic nation. The elections of 2005 were a stunning achievement. We thought that these elections would bring the Iraqis together — and that as we trained Iraqi security forces, we could accomplish our mission with fewer American troops.
But in 2006, the opposite happened."

Bush's troop surge plan is akin to the decision some couples make when trying to salvage a hopeless marriage. You know, those couples who in a painfully misguided attempt to save their union, decide the thing that will stop all the fighting and turmoil is to have another kid. Instead of fixing the relationship, that decision usually just prolongs their emotional quagmire, postpones the inevitable and adds one more innocent victim to the problem.
The result of their decision?
To quote Bush himself, "The opposite happened."
But this blunderful philosophy of his is not exclusive to his Iraq policy. He could add the phrase, "The opposite happened" to almost any policy he has come up with.

No Child Left Behind will ensure no child will be left behind.
The opposite happened.

Creating a Medicare prescription drug plan for the elderly that requires them to scour the internet and choose from over 100 plans to find life saving medicine will simplify healthcare and save them money.
The opposite happened

Spending more than a billion dollars on abstinence only sex education will convince kids to refrain from acting on their sexual impulses and curb teen pregnancy.
The opposite happened.

Hiring an unqualified horse breeder to head up FEMA will make sure that when faced with a natural disaster, we will be prepared and make sure each person affected will get their needs met, with expedience and dignity.
The opposite happened.

Giving those who purchase a Hummer a tax break will help the environment
Say it with me, THE OPPOSITE HAPPENED!

Now last night, our Clueless leader announced on "60 Minutes" that in order to convince a doubting public of his ill-fated plan for Iraq, he needs to be the "Educator-In-Chief"
And I'll give him that, he has taught us something:
Whenever he tries to fix a problem; the opposite happens.