I wear this plain red wristband every day. I got it as a symbol of participating in a day of silence two years ago to honor the victims of rape and sexual abuse. Every day since I've worn it because it makes me think of all of the people who have experienced acts like that... I know its not much, but its at least a little way to show I care. My grandma was raped while my grandpa was fighting in world war 2 (and had a child from it). My cousin was raped by her boyfriend and his brother. My ex girlfriend was raped by a summer camp counselor. It makes me sick... I can't believe this happened... Tonight rape has once again shown it's ugly fucking head. I won't say who or go in to any details.

I keep looking at my wristband... I just want to throw it out the fucking window and never see it again. I'm so mad. The past two years I've been acting all high and mighty. Like I wear a wristband because I care, and that makes me better than you. And I haven't done a fucking thing. And while I'm busy sitting here absorbed in myself and "how much I care", my friends and family are out there getting raped and abused. I can't believe all of this shit is happening again... Its like every woman I get close to has to go through this. And I'm just sitting here like some dumb fuck, pretending I'm awesome because I wear some stupid piece of plastic.

I'm calling the center for abused women first thing tomorrow so I can start volunteering. I don't know if they will take a guy, but I want to do it. I can't keep watching the people closest to me get hurt without doing something. I feel like such a fake right now... Like I have a button on my backpack that says "This is what a Feminist looks like!" but I haven't been to a rally in almost a year. I have a pink ribbon on my car and another on my backpack, but I haven't donated to breast cancer research in at least 5 months. And this stupid red wristband that's staring me down and burning right through my flesh down to my soul... what have I been doing? NOTHING! That's fucking changing.

Sorry about venting... I'm just... I don't even know right now.