FOC stands for Friends of Carl as if I gotta tell you that. If you don't know already then you may be a jackass that don't need to know cause we don't want your kind screwing up our social network. All you lonely FOCs don't gotta be lonely no more. Cause that movie I was in, the Aqua Teen Movie Picture Whatever The Hell They Called It comes out this Tuesday on DVD. The real version. Not that one with all the Chinese letters that little Korean dude was hocking next to the I Heart New York personal grooming mirrors on 5th. Take my word for it. I learned that the hardway!!! So I bought that version two days after the movie come out at the Minimall (cause I get a cut of each one sold, you know what I mean!!!) and let's just say that the transfer was not professional. A lot of discrepancys. Like, there ain't no carl in it. No milkshake neither. And way more spiderman than I remember. I don't remember spiderman being in my movie, but then again, I will get wasted now and again. They coulda added spiderman after the focus groups tanked. Anyways, if you see that little Korean dude on 5th, you tell him that I really enjoyed it and it was boss. About ten minutes in, you can see this couple two rows up getting some serious tongue action. And they don't never stop, even thru the credits!!! Also, he sells authentic Rolex watches straight from Swissland. Solid gold!!! – Super cheap!!!
Anyway, the real DVD comes out Tuesday – with all kinds of extras!!! It's digital, too, so you can see it good – better than even I intended it to look. A whole nother Deleted movie is in there (Watch it and see two movies for the price of one!!). Creator interviews, deleted scenes, Making-of documentary all the typical circle-jerks that give you film nerds hard-ons. So what are you waiting for??? Go down to the DVD place and get in line now To mark this ocassion, I'm hosting some Aqua Teen Movie Official Sex-Ins at my house in South Jersey. If you are female and you are an oficcial FOC (or an official FOX!!!) come to my house and tell me you want my body. That's the code word. Then we'll get together in a physical way!!! !!! L'ets send a message to the American people and thhe government right now, we want more of the Aqua Teen movie in stores in the US and over inn Europe and in peoples houses cause they bought them. I'm trying to get them so they sell it in Iraq too so we can show them guys what America is all about!!! Freedom, and rock, and buying my kick-ass DVD!!

I writer to you with heavy heart and sadness onn this day of serious longing. Turns out that the wax place screwed me over BIG TIME!!! I was gonna splurge and get the laser hair removal, but I figure I didn't need the Star Trek treatment. Go with the wax like they do in the old country. Big mistake. They wasn't properly liscenced with the city to do that!!!! I shoulda known. Dude gives me this flier outside the parlor and says he'll do it half-price. So I says sure, pocket the differencee, bill cartoon network for the full wax and make out like a bandit. Then we go down this alley to the back of a van and he hands me two beers which I promptly shotgun. I'm thinking this rules so far. And he got one of those hot nuts carts, only he got it full of wax supposedly and I sit on the pavement and he starts ladling this smoking bubbling yellow gook all over my feet and ankles and I start to screaming, then he takes off down the street with my pants, flip-flops, the works!!! He told me the outside air opens the pores!!!! And I believed him!!!! He took every layer of skin off of my foot!!! I can see bone now!!!! I had to crawl to my car and drive home screaming the whole time, pressing the gas and brake pedals with my hands, which of course ended in a three-car pileup that I am not to comment on, but no way was that my fault!!! So now I got 2 Wykked in the shop, two royal douchbags suing me for failure to yield right of way, a ticket from the bronze 5-0 and plus I'm gonna sue that wax guy if I can find his sketchy ass. I keep calling that massage parlor and they keep saying they don't know what I'm talking about and that he don't work there. They will roo the day I get my feet back to normal. Frylock says their gonna have to take skin from my ass and graft it to my feet or I may never walk right again!!! Plus he said some of the meat is gone and asprin don't kill infection!!! But he don't know nothing. Just cause he's a doctor, that don't make him smart. They didn't have asprin in Colonial times and look at them. They survived. Either way, I'm going to the movie on Friday if I gotta crawl the three miles on my hands and knees. Meatman says he's using birthday money to get a town car, but he's dreaming if he thinks hes sitting in my lap.

I checked the first three pages of the newspaper and I ain't in it. So then I check the last three pages. Not there neither. And I ain't happy about that. So then I flip to the movie page. The Raping. Yeah, I'll watch sex of any form in any transmitted type of media. You got blurry questionable photos of a celebrity chick performing at a donkey show in Thailand? I won't question it. How about a crude drawing of yourself doing intercourse in the margin of a history textbook? If penetration is depicted, I am there. I ain't picky when it comes to my own personal tittilation. But if you think I'm gonna put on shoes, waste my gas money and $8.50 to watch 2 hours of cleavage from a woman that made her bones dressing like a man, you got another thing coming!!!! No thank you!!!! Plus, for whatever reason, I seen bugs all over the ad. That ain't sexy. I wanna see bugs, I could go out to the privacy of my driveway and watch some slimy lunchmeat rot. For the record, I ain't for the sanitation workers getting no computer training. I don't pay taxes so they can strike whenever they want. As long as they sit at home on their fat union asses, I'm gonna keep hosing all the perishables out into the street and off my property. WHERE IS THE AQUA TEEN MOVIE???? Some jackass from the liberal media elite has made a bad error in judgement about not talking about me. This movie is a freakin juggernaut of no-holds barred entertainment!!! You wanna talk about Iraq and all them people over there? Blowing up sand? Fine. Knock yourself out. But your missing the real story. And you're day is coming soon.

I'm good at these movie interviews. I just did my first one about the movie an hour ago. Dude wanted to know how much I made, my religion, how many dependents, the whole nine. Also wanted to know how I like my new 7-inch plasma screen TV. I told him it's boss!!! Then he wanted to know if I strongly agreed, somewhat agreed, agreed, somewhat disagreed or strongly disagreed with the statement "I would buy more 7-inch plasma screen TVs from this manufacturer in the next 18 months." I said strongly agree!!!! Cause the jack is gonna start rolling in like the Hurricane Katrina of Benjamins when this movie hits!!!! Then he thanked me for my time and offered me a coupon for new satellite service. I tell ya, these movie interviews are a serious grind, but as long as I'm getting the awareness out there and coupons – see, that's what generates the buzz. You need me to crank out some quotes for your website, about the Aqua Teen movie and how good I am in it??? I'm here for you. I'll be a guest blogger. I ain't got nothing but time until the mets game (when I focus like a laser and I am not to be disturbed) Just sorta write down your questions on this site here where they got the section where you talk and I'll get around to them. But you're a stone-cold fool if you think I'm putting my e-mail address down here. How stupid do you think I am?? Next thing I know, I got dudes making calls with my cel phone minutes in Nigeria and I can't do jack about it cause they stole my birth certificate through the e-mail!!! No sir. Submit your stupid questions here and I'll see what I can do. No promises. But I check the site every five minutes or so, so I should find it.

I have had some issues recently regarding my hairy feet. I am told I will not be allowed in the theatre with open toed shoes. Certain gentlemen's clubs won't let me go with the flip-flops, so I keep a pair of my grampy's old wingtips in my ride whenever I wanna get my drink on with the naked ladies!!! Yeah, they're two sizes too small, but it ain't my feet I'm comforting there, you know what I mean!!!! But the Cineplex??? Damn, times have changed. I remember certain moviehouses in Queens let you strip down during the movie to "take care of business" assuming you are in a side row, discreet and of proper legal age. Don't bother no one and they don't bother you. Not no more. I guess with video games and gangs and all that, I guess they gotta bring down the hammer. And you know I gotta be on the street for my premiere of my movie Aqua Teen Hunger Force Movie Film For Theatres Starring Carl. This Friday the 13th, in case you live under a rock and don't know how to rock, you know what I'm sayimng??? So I'm doing this up right!!!!! I'm going to one of them places in Chinatown (not the ramen noodles and not the "steam n' cream", but the other kind) to get my feet taken care of.
Yeah baby! That's right! Hot wax, on my feet!! My hairy feetget so hairy and sometimes the pores down there get clogged and I get some nasty zits on my arches. I used to shave em pretty regular, cause after a few weeks, my sneakers would get fitting pretty tight and then the lice get to pissing me off and I gotta break out the lotion (that's another story altogether), but then I figured I'm a bachelor, I don't need some women weighing me down, riding me about my hairy feet. So I score some plastic sandals and bam!
Problem solved. I mean, I still grow hair down there, I just don't do noithing about it. So if some usher comes up to me about my beach shoes, he's gonna be picking popcorn kernels out of face, surgically!!! You know what I mean???? And yes, ladies, I will be sporting my new mesh tanktop for all to see. I got two for the price of one, so whenever I figure out how to make this thing like an online poll, you will have your choice of seeing me in Orange Sunrise or Lime Sherbert. See you Friday night, ladies ­ and vote as many times as you please!!!!

I don't care if they are in the military. I hope VCU all get herpes of the face. Dumbass friggin hits a jumper with 1.8 seconds. Bullcrap!!! The Dukies were supposed to roll!!!! That frigging wasn't supposed to happen!!! My guy on the inside told me the VCU starting point guard was in deep to Jimmy the Ear down at thye docks so he was supposed to come up lame. Dude says he was supposed to foul out in the first three minutes!!! That or a muscle cramp!!! And that didn't happen!!! And I believed him!!!! Now I'm supposed to cough up 60 K (I doubled down on the 30 grand cause I believed this guy so much!!! He said he was from Virginia!!!) to this guy and I ain't even got that much invested in 2 Wykked!!! So I got two options. Either gotta leave town for a while or surrender the other thumb, one testical or one ear (or some combination of those extremities totaling three). And then pay the moneyt at some date to be decided. Or I could wait for my ma to die, but that'll take forever and them rings ain't even real Cubic Zirconiam!!! Their Quadra Zirconium!!! I had em appraised by a pro.!!! . I do got that Jar Jar Binks doll. Someone told me them Star Trek dolls do good on ebay, just don't unwrap em too much. But I need to glue the head back on. Plus, that's for retirement. (One thing the government can't take from me!!!) So do me a solid and delete this after you read it. Also, stop talking about me all the time cause I may need to chill out on all the blogging and pretend like I'm dead for about a year. I might go to Durham and mess someone up BIGTIME!!! He said he could "make me disappear"!!! His words!!!

Unbelievable!!! No bid for Syracuse this year!!! Jim Bayheim and the Orangemen got screwed ROYALLY!!!! They won more games than they lost!! It was a tough conference!!! They beat plenty of teams that got to go!!! You know, just cause the NCAA is like all the colleges in the world doesn't make them so smart. Sometimes you gotta have "street smarts" to survive. So I say bend the rules. Big freakin deal. Just make it 66 teams this year. Let Syracuse show you what they can do. Come on!!! Who's it gonna hurt??? Rutgers, too!!! Totally hosed by Anti-Jersey bias!!! Where's the Jersey pride!!!
I also feel that, South Jersey Tech had a pretty solid squad when I went there, but I'm pretty sure it was just pickup and not organized in a pretty little row like the NCAA people have to have it or there head will blow up. But this was years ago, so that doesn't make sense regarding this years travesty of humanity!!! Plus, I figured out that refrigeration repair was for suckers that like to freeze their ass off, so I tried to transfer into elevator installation, but they said I'd have to start all over again, cause my "Freon Storage" class wasn't covered in the Elevator major and they wouldn't let me transfer it. So screw them!!! I won't do neither, how about that???? And screw their B-Ball team, too. I hope they never go to the NCAA's!!! And they probably won't neither. Last time I drove by there, that whole school was a Best Buy.
The travesty of humanity done to Syracuse I will now call the Orangemen Screw-Job. So I'm making all of my wagers under protest this year. I thought about betting for Syracuse to win it all to protest so people would get the message of how bad they got screwed this year, but then I thought that was stupid, cause then I would be out all that money.
Carl's picks: Smart money is on Duke to cut down the nets again this year. I know, there dumb backasses from the south, but they're too tough in the paint. Did you see that Duke guy wack that North Carolina guy in the face with his elbow??? They played it on Sportscenter like a million times. Yeah!!! I'm a big fan of the physical play!!! I am a big fan of anything that makes hoops a little more like the Ultimate sport, Ultimate Fighting. People call it a cheap shot, but you do what you gotta do, even when the other team is way ahead and there ain't but like 4 seconds left and there ain't no way you're gonna catch up with them. It's funny too. Now that UNC guy has to wear a mask like the Phantom of the Opera (not that I watched that ever, I only saw it on a ad and I turened it quickly cause that was on). What's he gonna do, sing opera to the other teams they play???
I know their a six seed. But I like Duke's spirit, I like how they wail on the opponent with elbows and knees and I like Mike Kryskewski's hair and how it don't move even when he's jumping up and down. They've won it before, a bunch of times and they will do it again!!! So lay it all on Duke!!! I did!!!
Remember, You gotta bet with your heart, and also your mind. Most people just use one. With both of those, you can't lose!!! Also, if you bet it all, your betting with fear too. Cause if they don't make it out of the Regional, someone may drop by to see about your thumbs. And I ain't about to bet 30K that I do no have on something that ain't a sure thing!!! You heard it here first. Put Duke Blue Devils in the bank baby!!!! The Dukies will roll!!!!

Yeah, I'm gonna go to a prarie in the middle of the desert and listen to a bunch of chanting and someone smashing a wind chime over his head and calling that music???? No thank you. I got plenty tunes here, thank you. I got liquids too. It's called a swimming pool. You got those in Texas??? Granted, it's snowing right now, but come July watch out!!! At least I ain't gotta bust open a cactus to survive. Why go to Texas to listen to music?? We ain't lizards. We're human beings. Do like me and crank "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" outta your car stereo so many friggin times that the disc gets holes in it. That's all the music you ever need!!! High Voltage!!!!!

My storyy about Oscar ain't "topical enough" or "interesting". Apparently
douchebags filled with vinegar like to read about dumbass gay movies and not
mentally challenged people with amazing skills. So fine. Suck on this.
I don't like to watch "motion pictures". Toomuch pictures, not enough
motion. I got two letters for Iwo Jima. F and U. How bout they not drop so
many bombs back in Nam and next time we let them live. Suck on the business
end of a flame-thrower, thanks to John J. Rambo. Who wasn't there thank you
very much. Rocky X was the only thing I saw last year. I traveled over eight
miles to see that thing and I was not disssapointed. Like Ivan Drago says
"He is likee a piece of Iron!!!!!! I rewind it to that spot every friggin
time. When I get a dvd player, it will take me even less time to get to that
line in the movie. Then the pummeling. Bad-ass. Watching that made me look
into getting some injections of something, but I'm in between insurance
right now. Not that I need any more testicle juice. I got a huge set of
landing gear hanging low!!!!

I worked with a guy named Oscar at the styrofoam packing plant. Way back
before I was an entropanuing for a living. Dude was slow in the head,
couldn't keep the peanut sizes straight. But he could pound some brew.
He put it away. Then, sometimes, he'd could take like the twine we would
fasten around the refrigerator molds, then somehow he'd run it back and
forth in between his throat and his nose-hole!!! Inside his skull!!!
Don't know how he did it. He musta had a hole back there or something.
He called it mental floss. I call it stupid. One day after work we were
having some pops over at MelonShakers and I had this length of barbed
wire from my Krokus keychain. This may have been the "Alive and
Screaming" tour. Or "One Vice at a Time". Could've been "The Blitz"
tour. No way to be sure. The t-shirt is too faded. Anyway, It wasn't
real barb wire like they use on cows out in Texas, but still pretty
bad-ass. And sharp. I couldn't put it in my pocket or I'd lacerate the
boa constrictor down there, you know what I mean???!!!??? So I dare
Oscar to floss with it, or I was gonna punch him in the throat, and he
wass so wassted he did it!!! until his nose started bleeding real bad. I
totally knew he was going to do it!!! Keys and everythig!!! I had to
wash my keys in afaucet!!!! Then someone took him home. I heard later
that he ripped the inside of his face or something and it got infected
and they had to go in and cut some stuff out and now he's got some sort
of plastic nose like the clothes models in the mall and it got magents
on his nose and he can take it off and show little kids what his brain
looks like. I know he was out of work for a while. Good dude. Solid
dude.