I have been dreading today ever since May 1...the day of my DNC.  After the procedure, I was bed-ridden with both emotional pain and physical pain.  For the first 6-8 days, each time a Mother's Day ad came on television, I sobbed hysterically!  Craig, in an effort to console me, asked me what he could do to make me feel better.  I said to him, "Hurt with me."  His reply was simple, "I am here while you are hurting."  Yes, that was true...but (as I explained) what I wanted was for HIM to feel the pain with me.  Not to remain a spectator in this, but to be a participant.  He couldn't.  He was releived that this had happened.  He had moved out after I refused to terminate the pregnancy.  With random comments made by BOTH of us at different times about our relationship being on the track towards marriage, Craig told me he never wanted to get married...not to me or anyone else...that I was better off finding someone who wanted the "same things" I wanted.  To be blunt, on that particular day, all I wanted was for my reality to be nothing more than a nightmare and to wake up, pregnant with a healthy baby.  I honestly was not thinking along the same lines Craig was at the moment.  Between the overwhelming grief and the hormonal swings (the hormones filtering out of your system provides some interesting mood swings), I was not really thinking about any one lifetime goal.  Craig dumped me, walked out and showed no emotion over the situation.  Meanwhile, I was in torment!  Of all times that I needed him, dealing with the loss of our baby-to-be was the most crucial. I needed him here with me.  I did not need to talk about anything.  I did not need to be coddled.  I just needed to have him physically present so I could at least rid myself of the lonliness my days in bed carved out in my heart.  I asked him to just come and sit on the condition that we not talk about anything other than idle chit chat.  He agreed.  Some days he showed up, other days he just disappeared...no phone call saying he was not coming after all, no text message...nothing...only to pop back up a day or two later as if things were back to normal.  When he was here, he was tender, compassionate and seemed legitamately concerned about me and my feelings.  When he dropped out of communication, the silence was deafening.  When you are used to a busy schedule then everything screeches to a halt, the hours drag by so slowly!  I know I went mad a few times.  I blew his phone up looking for him.  Pleading with him.  Begging him.  Bargaining with him.  He'd start the next day with his typical "GM" text to my cell (GM= Good Morning) when he got up to get ready for work.  Some days he would stay in touch, others he would text me "Hello" then never reply.  Wednesday, via text because he was at work and I am the queen of texting (I HATE talking on the phone), he said he was thinking of stopping by after work.  I replied, "Maybe.  Hit me up and see where I am."  I was actually starting to get out of bed for short errands and had PLANNED on going tanning around 5-ish (I still have not made it to the tanning place yet).  He wrote back asking if I had a hot date.  Since his usual reply to EVERYTHING is "Maybe", that is what I wrote back.  He flipped out on me!  Keep in mind here, I have not been returning phone calls, text messages, emails or anything...I have been in bed bleeding for a week (I am still not fully recovered) and I am STILL not allowed to do anything sexual (well, other than sucking cock and licking slit, I suppose)...and really not wanting to face the world in general.  It somewhat irked me that he flipped out on me....no, actually it pissed me the f*ck off!  I shot back explaining to him that HE dumped ME...that if I DID have a date, it was none of his concern...I told him that since he and I were not together anymore, he could not monopolize my time, that I have spent the last 23 months waiting for him (both emotionally and literally) and that I was not going to continue to do so...AND, that since he could not tell me when he was getting off of work, I could not tell him if I would be here.  He left work immediately and came here.  Thursday night, he had promised to stay the night (I have yet to sleep completely through a full night...I tend to wake up between 4:30 and 6:30 am...sometimes I fall back asleep, sometimes I just lie there) in an attempt to let me feel that security and strength that I need to sleep and actually get rested.  He came over 45 minutes after he was supposed to get here.  He acted like he would rather be getting a root canal or anally raped rather than be at my home.  He made jabbing comments about me "obviously working on getting over" him and een asked if I had "worked" that day.  Doing WHAT?!  I am a porn chick with a broken pussy!  The work question seemed more like an accusation than a question...it was just weird and out of place.  He asked me to set my alarm clock for 7:40, which I did.  When I awoke at 6:42, I was alone.  He had left without a good bye, without a note, nothing.  I have to say, I sort of panicked.  I was groggy, tired, sore and so emotionally devastated, I just felt sheer terror for some unknown reason.. I texted him, asking where he was.  he wrote back saying he had left to call Germany and do some European sales.  Bullshit.  If you knew you had to be at the office (which he doesn't have keys to and no one has EVER been there that early to let him in...) at 6 in the morning, you knew it when we went to sleep at 11 the night before.  Friday, I asked him what his plans were.  Did he want to come over and act like he actually wanted to be there?  What was going on with his sudden arctic blast of an attitude towards me?  He replied to the chit chatty things for a bit then shot me a "WHAT?!" message when I asked if he was coming by or not.  He then told me he was really busy and would hit me back in a bit.  This is Sunday, I've heard nothing.  I am slowly coming to terms with the miscarriage and am not beginning to come to terms with the fact that he has been more emotionally unavailable than I ever realized.  I had thought it difficult for him to EXPRESS emotions, not I am wondering if he is even capable of developing them.  I need to start thinking about myself first.  I have a clean start right now.  I am NOT pregnant, I am single and I had "retired" from scene work on May 1...ironically although I had set that date 6 weeks prior, it turned out to be the same day I had my DNC.  Single, wary and unemployed (technically)...now seems like as good a time as any to demand that any man who wants to be a part of my life treat me with the dignity and respect I deserve.  Oddly enough, not a single one of my friends had supported my desire to stay with Craig and not a single one is sad to see me distangle myself from this dysfunctional relationship...maybe there is hope for me yet!

I had something made especially for you and took it with me to AdultCon but did not see you there. I cannot find your email address (you know how organized *I* can be!) ...could you drop me a line so I can get this to you? I was sad not to see you there!

I went in for an ultra-sound to check on my 11 week pregnancy.  There was no cardiac activity.  I am scheduled for a DNC tomorrow.  I will be offline for a few days.

I WILL be at AdultCOn this weekend...More Info

I have to go pick up Anal Latex Whores 2 from a distributor today...I am still wrangling up dvd's to bring, but I have t-shirts, skateboard decks and such to sell as well.  See you there!

:)

Things have been fairly hectic around here lately, in case you haven’t noticed!  I have had a few friends staying here off and on...both Johnny Knox and Tabatha Tucker.  Crowded as it may be, I am glad I am able to give them a hand when they need it most!  My lease here is up in May, I doubt I will renew it.  I have been looking in to other nearby properties that allow large-breed dogs.  When I originally moved to the valley, finding a place that would allow Dalmatians was difficult enough, finding a place that allowed THREE was nearly impossible!  Now that I have only one dog, more options have opened up for me.  I think Halon and I have out-grown this tiny one bedroom!  I haven’t decided yet if I am just looking for a larger one bedroom or if I am going to try to find a two bedroom.  I could use the space, but I only have furniture for a one bedroom place...I hate to think I would be renting a two bedroom just for the extra closet!  

This week is (so far) a slow one for me.  I am double-booked Thursday but have little else on the books.  I am actually a bit glad!  I need a few days to take it easy, catch up on email, housework and the like.  With so many people staying here, it takes little for my apartment to look cluttered and messy!

We got a kitten last week!  A tortoise female that we named Drater.  Wanna know where the name came from?  Spell it backwards!  LOL  She is a TERROR!  She chewed through my firewire, so I need to replace it tomorrow.  I cannot pull video from my camera until I do. My desk lamp is history, too.   Halon is adjusting to having her here, they get along for the most part...well, until Drater tries to swat at Halons tail. Drater has gooten a few digs in with her nails.  We clipped her sharp kitty claws and that has helped.  She’s already ruined my curtains.  Every day I wake up to find something else missing, destroyed or moved.  *giggle*  I really hope she grows out of this destructive phase soon!  Hurry and become a lazy cat!  LOL

Wicked was pleased with my scene.  They even mentioned bringing me back to shoot for them again in the future!  YEAH!  Despite the director throwing his back out on the Brazzers set, I had a lot of fun shooting for them, too.  The set-up was fairly involved.  I think more time was spent setting up and breaking down lights (the script called for dialogue in several different rooms) than actually f*cking!  LOL  I got to work with Seth Dickens again, he and I just work well together!  I know it’ll be a strong scene when I am booked with him!  Christian XXX is the same way!  The chemistry is just there!

I might be traveling to the east coast soon to shoot for a magazine.  We’re in the midst of negotiating rates and such.  Cross your fingers!

Vivid just booked me again for Saturday! w00t! Girlfriend Films for the 14th, also! March is looking good! Four shoots on the books and the month hasn't even started yet!

I am going to go to the gym for a quick work out, then I need to do ONE non-nude fetish clip at 2pm...have a glass of wine with Desire More, then housework and site update work! I then have NOTHING on the books until my Mar 7th shoot for Wicked and my Mar 12th shoot for Brazzers! I am considering going on a short cruise with MyCraig! Yummy! We BOTH need a few days of rest and relaxation!

XOXOX
KQ

I shot a b/g/g anal scene today with Vivid's Savannah Samson...she was TRES YUMMY! Tomorrow I shoot a b/g anal for Zero Tolerance. w00t! I just saw both of my new skateboards...I loved them! I *am* having them change the font my name is written on it with tho. (By "my skateboards" I mean boards I am ON, not boards I will ever use...I'm way too top heavy to try skateboarding! LOL) I will get on website updates ASAP! I have a "soft hold" for Wednesday, if I am off I will relax and do the site updates then, otherwise I will work my ass off tomorrow night to get them done! Wish me luck for tomorrow! Ciao!

XOXOX
KQ

Hi there!  I will be judging a bikini-clad mechanical bull riding
contest this Sunday, Feb 17.  If you would like to meet me there, the location is: The Branding Iron, 320 South E Street, San Bernardino, CA.  Entries will be accepted at the event.  There is a $300 cash prize for first place as well as other prizes for runners up.  You do not have to participate to come out, but I would love to see as many b00bies jiggling on the bull as possible!
*giggle* 

Sorry I haven't been around too much lately, I have just been swamped!  Last week, I shot every day except Wednesday.  I would have shot then, too, but the third girl Mir and I were to work with flaked.  Thursday and Friday I was double-booked.  By the time Saturday came along, I was beat!  I got my hair done.  Gone is the blonde!  I am going to try to take new pics tomorrow.  I just needed a change, it was time.  I shot Monday, was interviewed for an e-zine on Tuesday and shot today.  I have a "soft hold" for both Thursday and Friday of this week.  It hasn't been as bad as it sounds!  One scene was bg/girl vag, one b/g anal, one b/g/g anal, one day was all dialogue and the rest has been fetish work.  I am not saying I am not p00ped!  Just that it could be a lot more draining than it has been!  Sunday I got a colonic...I just needed a chance to detox a bit and re-energize!  Tuesday, before my interview, I got a massage.  It felt HEAVENLY!  My aching back needed it!  Tomorrow is Valentine's Day...I am going to log in to SexCamCentral at 7pm, PST and do a cam show/chat.  I am not sure if Craig will be joining me or not, it really just depends on what time he can get out of work.  His schedule has been as bad as mine, lately!  I have a personal appearance scheduled for Sunday night, I will post that information in the next day or two.  I have been just barely getting back to working out, thank goodness!  The closer I get to 40, the harder it is to maintain much less improve!  LOL