Ok, I have been sick for two weeks now, which is about how long it has been snowing nonstop.  The snow is now taller than I am and I have no snowblower.  Im tired, Im frustrated and I want to move the hell out of here to somewhere that never snows and I never have to wear shoes other than my favorite Birkenstocks.  So, forgive me if I seem overly bitchy.  Bitchier than normal anywho. haha. 

So I have decided to totally give up on dating.  Perhaps I am cursed.  Perhaps I am too picky.  Perhaps I am way fucked up.  Could be all of the above.  I know that I am always attracted to the guys that are bad for me.  Usually the guys that are not available for one reason or another.  They are either married or otherwise committed or they are just plain emotionally unavailable.  I made an oath to myself to no longer get anywhere close to a guy in these situations.  Which will be particular hard for me in one case at least as I seem to be particularly drawn by my soul to one person in my life.  The day after I made this oath I get propositioned by a friend of mine's husband.  Now, seriously, I had never flirted with this guy before or anything.  Hes a nice guy and I have always thought he was very good looking, but....he is married.....to a friend.  Come on.  Seriously...Im loosing all faith in people.  Notice I did not say just in men as I am sure women are propably the same way.  Is there a faithful honest person out there?  One that is not totally freaked out and paranoid?  (this may lead to another blog soon...stay tuned)  So...no more for me.  Im perfectly happy with hanging out in my corner of the bar once in a while, sipping an ice cold Harp.  Once spring finally comes I will go back to my beloved soccer and taking photos of the young kids running around on the pitch.  Perhaps this year things will turn around there and we might actually win more than a hand full of games.  This in itself will keep me content. 

Sigh

Ok, Im kind of embarrased about this but it is kind of funny now that I lived through it.  Last week I went to Puerto Rico to celebrate my birthday.  I rented a room in a house a block from the beach.  It was a nice room and very clean and taken care of.  The second night I was there I got home from the bar at like midnight and went to sleep.  At about 3am, I was sleeping on my back and something made me turn my head very quicky into the pillow.  I woke up with the feeling like someone had shoved a french fry deep into my ear.  I dont know why I thought of a french fry but thats what it felt like.  In my fog I tried to figure out what I had left in my bed that might feel like that.  And then, I felt something moving INSIDE my ear-  Like way inside my ear.  I could hear it moving from the inside of my head.  I FREAKED OUT.  If you havent ever had something inside your head I can only describe the feeling as what a crazy person might feel like when he yells, shakes his head and puts his hands to his ears.  I jumped around the room making scary noises and couldnt think what to do.  It was crawling deeper and deeper in.  So I did the stupidest thing ever, and thinking it was a small bug, got out the qtips....yea those things you arent supposed to stick in your ear.  Well, I did, thinking I could pry the devil out.  Well instead of prying him out I pulled off one leg and got a lot of blood.  That was when I really freaked out and thought...what the hell am I supposed to do?  Wait for it to crawl back out?  Im not very familiar with anatomy and kept envisioning the thing crawling into my brain and maybe someday I would see it crawling through the inside of my eyeball.  EWWWWWWWWWWW.  So I thought I would call my friend Edwin, he would know what to do, he is an island boy.  But I got no signal in my room, so I got dressed fast as the thing felt like he must have been trying to turn around.  I could hear him making digging movements inside my head.  I went to the front of the house and dialed....no answer.  Shit what the hell do I do now?  Im loosing my mind.  I had no choice but to knock on the door of the poor guy that owns the house.  He was a firefighter afterall, he would know what to do.  Well I think he really thought I was on some kind of acid as when he looked into my ear he couldnt see anything in there and I was jumping around making weird noises (I could see it being similiar to a bad acid trip really-what WAS in that rum and passion fruit juice cocktail?).  He kept trying to tell me that it was just a mosquito and that whatever it is it cant go too far in because your ear canal gets really small.  Well it was sure trying to burrow as far in as it could get.  The man thought he might flood the critter out and filled my ear with eardrops....NOTHING, other than some more squirming and some more terribly scary derranged shreiks from me.  Go ahead, stick your little finger as far into your ear as you can and wiggle it around.  Hear that?  Well imagine it even closer to your eardrum.  gaaaageeeegege...  So the drownding didnt help.  He thought it might just crawl out eventually, or die in there and my ear would eventually work it out.  NO WAY IN HELL....  So he decided to take me to the hospital.  Now, you have to know about this little island.  They built this nice new hospital years ago but have never had a doctor work there.  If you have anything serious happen you have to take the ferry or fly over to the big island.  So I was not overly excited about how my visit there would turn out.  I envisioned having to have my head cut open to get the thing out.  Well I went in and woke up the two nurse like ladies that were there.  I thought about how I was going to tell them what happened in my bad spanish but the only word I could think of for bug was bicho...and in Puerto Rico, bicho is a very bad word.  Lets just say in english we could use the same word to discribe a male chicken.  Imagine me saying that I have a *%@ stuft in my ear!  LOL  Yea.... So I was stumbling on my words but they got the idea.  I thought at first they didnt believe me either.  They laid me down on my side on the examening table and got out that cool ear light thing and had a look.  Well of course the thing is afraid of the light so when they shined it in there it took off squirming some more.  It was the worst sensation I have ever felt.  She told me that yes I have a bug in my ear and she thinks its a cockroach.  Great that just makes the sensation even better now.  She went after it with the big tweesers and grabs a hold of it, but only comes out with another leg and more blood.  I try not to look.  She goes back in...comes out with another piece.  Meanwhile I can still feel the thing squirming and drying to dig.  It was extremely hard to stay still while all this was happening.  She decided she needed longer and thiner tweesers and left the room, leaving the bug to dig further and further in.  Finally she comes back just  about when I am ready to loose my mind.  She goes back in a few more times and wipes the remains of the thing onto a paper towel that she so kindly laid right in front of me.  Finally I feel a big piece coming but it was fighting, trying to grab a hold of whatever it could.  And she got it....and threw it on the floor and looked at it.  Yup its a cockroach alright, and still alive.  I really didnt want to look at it, I was just glad that I was bug free again.  The feeling still haunts me.  The rest of my nights there I slept with cotton stuffed in my ears.  Of course the thought of a roach crawling on my face and perhaps into my nose or my mouth crossed my mind many times.  My friend told me a few days later that three other people have been to the emergency room since I was there for the same problem.  Perhaps its a new kind of cockroach?  So, next time you go to the tropics...think of me!


      

Ok guys, pay attention...its not that difficult to make a woman happy. 

Let her know you think she is special.  Do little things....give her a flower, it doesnt have to be a dozen long stemmed red roses!   Bring her some chocolate.  Take her out to a special place.  Send her little text messages once in a while to let her know you are thinking of her.

When you are out with her dont obviously check out or make comments about other women. 

Listen to her.  You dont have to fix the world...just listen.  Dont offer suggestions...just hold her hand and listen and emphasize. 

Be nice to her friends.  Even if you don't like them.

Be honest!  Talk about your feelings too.  Be honest what you are thinking about the relationship. 

If you sleep together, dont disappear shortly afterwords.  Dont rush up and take a shower.  Cuddle with her, stay the night.  The next day send her a text saying something special. 

Not too hard, right?

Ok what is up with men that just cant for the life of them tell the truth?  I mean...like if I asked what he had for lunch he would probably make something up.  Tuna instead of turkey?  Who the hell cares?  Who gives a crap at your age what you majored in in college?  Or that you even finished college?  Who cares if you have traveled all over the world or just this state?  The biggest "decept" yet was when I heard that you have a baby outside of your marriage.  Does your wife know this?  Because most of the company you work for seems to know.  Perhaps you should keep your dick in your pants...  and by the way...when someone emails you their deep dark intimate thoughts....its polite to answer promptly.  At least say something like...thanks for sharing....  But...not answering at all....that is rude....It is however a much more straight forward answer than anything you could have writen. But...what the hell was I thinking anyways? hahaha. 

Ok what is up with all these asshole men out there that beat their wives/girlfriends (children...etc)?  I mean really!  Dont you have a more constructive way to release your pent up anger and aggression then beating the crap out of a woman?  I am becoming aware that this problem is much more widespread than I had previously thought.  I have two friends right now who are in abusive relationships, I know a few others and I have been in one myself.  All I have to say  right now is women....get the hell out the first time it happens because it will only continue to happen, no matter what he says.  I dont give a crap if you think you love him or you dont have anywhere to go.  You are worth more than that piece of shit even though I am sure he tells you otherwise every day.  Get your crap and get out.  Or just get the hell out and leave the stuff, its not worth your life or your dignity!

Since I started working at the airlines again I have had less time to go camping and hiking.  I have to work weekends and its so easy to hop a plane somewhere instead of packing the car, the kid and the dog to take off camping.  While it is a huge benefit to be able to travel free I find that not getting the time in nature makes me feel uptight and stressed.

The red rocks of the desert call to me.  The silence and the wide open spaces are good for my soul.  I feel at peace wandering the hard ground not knowing where I am headed.  Everything else falls away and only I remain.  I am able to think clearly and be present.

I have scattered blue corn meal in prayer with the Navajo.  I have slept in their hogans and walked with them.  I have seen the writing on the walls and walked the ruins.  I often think that in another life I have lived in the desert, been part of it. 

Hidden Canyon, Corona Arch, Butler Wash, Canyon de Chelly,  The Fiery Furnice, Wild Horse Canyon, Hovenweep, Angel's Landing and West Rim, The Grand Wash, The Subway, Devils Kitchen, Observation Point have burned deep memories in my mind.  And I have so many more places to see. 

I need to go home….

So once again I find myself in the position of liking a guy I can't have.  Why does this always happen?  Perhaps I do it to myself unconciously knowing that they are safe?  Perhaps I am telling myself that I am not ready yet?  Or is it just that all the good guys are taken?  LOL   But even the ones I have relationships with are emotionally unavailable!  Sigh.  Oh well most of the time being friends is better anyways, and we are that.  And who knows what the future brings?  On top of that my X b/f Mr Porche asked me out for a drink next week.  I said yes although it makes me almost sick to my stomach to think about sitting across the table from his beautiful face.  Circles, my life is a bunch of circles all intertwined.  Round and round we go.

Ok everyone.  I am seriously thinking of moving down to Salt Lake.  I have been in Park City for 15 years now.  It has changed drastically and it just doesnt have the charm it used to.  I dont fell like I belong here.  Most of my friends have already moved to Salt Lake (or Cali) and the neighbors I have are not nice or I don't see them at all.  I am down in Salt Lake just about everyday anyways working or taking my daughter back and forth to her friends.  The only thing I would leave in Park City would be my son who lives with his dad.  But he is 16 now and able to drive.  After the next school year he will be in college.  And I could use a change.   So, what do you think???  I would be looking in the Sugarhouse/Cottonwood Area most likely.  Anyone down in that part of town?

Which woman are you most like from Grey's Anatomy???

I am most like Meredith (go figure). 

You don't always make the right choices, but you get points for trying, bouncing right back, and starting over.  For being so "dark & twisty", you have a surprisingly sunny outlook on life.  You're quick to jump into new relationships but just as quick to jump out.  After the example your parents set, learning to trust someone else takes just about everything you've got. 

Try it yourself! 

http://abc.go.com/primetime/greysanatomy/quiz/greysdiagnosis/index

Ok I know some of you think Grey's Anatomy is lame.  But I would venture to guess most of you have not watched it.  I truthfully think Grey's is one of the best written shows on TV ever.  The character development is brilliant and the way the charactors interact with eachother is priceless.  The multiple relationships going on are similiar to the ones I see in my own life.  The difficulties and problems they go through I have gone through myself.  The writer of this is brilliant and brutally honest.  Sometimes this show just makes you think about things in life.  (women think too much)  Some of the lines from the show will live on forever.  I have a "person", do you?  I hope we all do....someone who you would call to help you drag the dead body across the living room floor.  LOL 

Here are some other quotes I like:

"At the end of a day like this, when so many prayers are answered and so many aren't, we take our miracles where we find them. We reach across the gap and sometimes, against all odds, against all logic, we touch."

ALEX: "I dunno... it's just... Meredith always makes me think screwed up people have a chance."

MEREDITH: [narrating] "Disappearances happen in science. Disease can suddenly fade away, tumors go missing, and we open someone up to discover the cancer is gone. It's unexplained. It's rare, but it happens. We call it mis-diagnosis. Say we never saw it in the first place, any explanation but the truth. That life is full of vanishing acts. If something that we didn't know we had disappears... do we miss it?"

Cristina Yang
I need a drink, a man, or a massage. Or a drunken massage by a man.

Anyways...what I like most about Grey's is the chemistry between Meredith and Derick.  Just the way he looks at her...its like they are really in love.  Seeing this spawns something deep inside me (ok Im corny I admit it).  I see that and wish I had that in my life right now.  Someone to look at me like that.  Someone to care for me like that.  The real thing.  Im tired of all the other BS.  I dont want to play the games anymore.  We all deserve this, even if at times its hard to admit it to ourselves.