I haven't blogged in a while, but since I might be working at a video game company I need to get used to being a nerd again. My lovely trip to L.A., what a great little shit hole. When I first got here everything was pretty hopeful, I had a second interview with a company that I liked, I signed a lease to an amazing place, and I met a guy at a cemetery screening of Clockwork Orange. The screening was pretty awesome b/c there were some teenage gutter punks sitting in front of us that proceeded to get this tiny girl stoned and drunk, then feel her up. So it was kind of like watching a reenactment of the movie, while the movie was playing. Anyway the very next week ,in this order, my car gets stolen, the job position gets put on hold, and I find out on the third date that the guy I met is a heroin addict. All my friends can say is well,"Welcome to L.A." Is that the welcome wagon here, for them to steal your wagon? What happens in other cities? I just got stabbed! Well, welcome to Detroit. I just got lazy! Well, welcome to Austin. I would have preferred some brownies, or a basket of those mini muffins. Oh, and the guy. Well, we all know that I sure know how to pick 'em. I can just imagine the time he had to stop by his house, I'm sitting on his couch thinking,"Wow, this guy really likes me and he's such a gentleman." While he's in the bathroom chasing the dragon. I guess don't go out on a date with people you meet in cemeteries. My car was found but nobody notified me, until I got a letter two weeks after it had been in the impound. So, now it's like 800 dollars to get it out and it's smashed to hell. The cool thing about it is since the thing was hot-wired I only had to put my key in half way, turn it and the engine would come on then I could take the key out and the engine will still be running. Awesome. It's almost like having one of those remote ignitions where you can turn your car on a couple minutes before you drive it, so the car will be cooled off when your ready to drive. So, I have to sign my title over to the tow company if I don't want to pay any fees. But the god thing is I know when they are auctioning it so I could possibly buy it back for less than the impound fees. It's been a rough month but at least I'm not homeless. Yet.

When a tupperware party and a baby shower combine. The Perfect Gift.



I'm crushing your head.

and Van Morrison makes me think of love lost. Is everyone this fucked in the head or just my immediate company? I've smoked about a half of pack of cigarettes today. I tried to quit drinking last week, that lasted about two days, then back to making an ass of myself. I don't know what I'm doing these days. I seem to have an inability to commit whole heartly to anyone or anything. I don't even remember what it feels like to love someone or something, just what it feel like to not. I'm dispassionate about comedy and writing. When trying to figure out what type of career I should go for yesterday, I opened the dictionary up at random, closed my eyes and pointed at the word,"dilatory".  Which means tending or intending to cause delay, characterized by procrastination.
Great, well I'm good at that. I guess I'll decide next week.

I was watching "Dateline to Catch a Predator" last night, which ironically was more funny than it was scary. There was one body builder that they caught which his internet nickname was TopDogGenuis, with genius spelled inncorrectly, this seemed appropriate. The last guy kind of broke my heart a little bit, because when Chris Hansen walked out to question him, he was like, "oh my god, I love your show. I watch it all the time." Chris Hansen asked him, " Well, then you knew it was illegal to solicite sex from a 14 year old didn't you. What would have happened if I had not been here?"

The guy said," With a guy like me who knows."

Chris,"Would you have had sex with this girl?"

The guy said," Probably not considering what happens whenever I try to get with a girl."

Chris asked," So what is you job?"

The guy," I work for a waste disposal dispatch center."

Chris," Is that a good job?"

The guy," Well it was."

Chris says," Well, since you have seen our show, I guess you know what happens next.

The guy just puts his hands behind his back and says,"This is going to be a long night."

But before he gets arrested he asks Chris Hansen for some dat. They knock fists together and he gets arrested. Hilarious.

This whole exchange just started making think about how much publicity these guys are getting and what if there was a struggling actor that just wanted to get his fifteen minutes of fame, so he tried to get on this show. He would spend most of his days in chat rooms trying to get a face to face with a fifteen year old girl. Show up to her house with Mike's Hard Lemonaide and a pizza look around for the hidden cameras, because he wants to make sure they are on his right because that's his good side. When he realizes he is not on the show he just leaves the lemonaide and pizza and tries again.

Or on this show I want to see the non-apologetic guy.
Where Chris Hansen will come out and ask," So were you planning on having sexual relations with this young girl?"

unapologetic guy," Fuck yeah I was."

Chris Hansen," don't you know that it is illegal?"

unapologetic guy," Oh, I see it's illegal to me, but not to the imperialistic family that marries off it's 14 year old daughter to an older man to gain great wealth. Just because, I'm a blue collar loser, it's illegal for me. Well, here's my dowry--- He leaves the pizza and a six pack behind.

Now that would be a great show.

So I've had some crazy shit happen to me in the last month. I've been trying to work it out on stage but at the present I can't find the funny in it.  Maybe I'll stumble upon something in writing this blog.  So, I got robbed last month. Which whatever shit happpens but the only thing that really pissed me off about the whole situation is the lack of effort from my detective. Before I had even given him any information like a serial number for my computer he tells me, "We probably will not find your computer, because most people don't sell stolen computers at pawn shops anymore they usually go to computer resellers in the area."

" Really, well if you know that then couldn't you get a list of those store and I don't know investigate, also known as do your job? "

He told me," well there are just so many people who have had their computers stolen that we can't really spend that much time on it."

 Huh, I see. Well, sir (saying in a tone that meant okay you lazy worthless fucking pig),  I understand I wouldn't want you to go out of your way to help me--- so could I get a list of these stores and give them a call myself.

The fucker said," Yes, you can do that. I don't have a list like that, but I'm sure you can look them up in the phone book. And If I find out anything, you will be the first one to know."

Thanks, that's very reassuring. Ass.

Oh, next on the non-stop adventures of the Cox. I hope you have your seatbeat on, like I did--- when I hit a pregnant pedestrian with my car.  Yes that's right. It's not everyday when you hit a person with your car but I got two birds with one stone. Lucky me. She was fine besides banging her head through my windshield and spilling the tub of butter she was carring all over herself and the hood of my car. (Just to clarify, the tub of butter I speak of was actually butter, not another way of saying I killed her baby.)  

(more to come)

I just got my first fan letter. Here it is:

So I just moved back to Austin after years in LA. I'm trying to make new friends. Doing the "myspace," thing, just started (so I don't have 100 friends)... anyway I'm really trying to meet some cool people.

So I saw your routine tonight at the comedy club... what did they call it Chick Shtick or something. You were the funniest of the bunch. I thought it was sad that you got stuck with doing comedy while everyone got their fucking bill. However your ADD joke to cover it up was pretty good.

So I don't usually go home and look up comics I see on the internet...

but you were damn funny and had a massive aura of cool about you.

So i'd think it would be real nice if I could possibly get to know you and become friends. I looked up Kerri as well (but if you check with her I didn't tell her that she was the funniest, that was you) I need some more friends, and I prefer once that make drinks come out of my nose from unexpected fits of laughter. So I'm sending a message and hoping I don't come off as "stalker," or "Comedian Groupie," but more as a guy who is just looking for some cool friends.

Oh and I can help you with changing oil in your car....

-Jake

-----------------------

He is right, I do have a massive aura of cool.

"One more cup of coffee", the man says, as he swirls his spoon around the empty mug, "...and then we'll hang the bait."
    "We will have to stay close to the truck because the Komodos will come fast.  They are some really nasty bastards, when they smell meat. When I filled out my special skills on the application I didn't think I would be getting this type of job, but there is a market for Komodo egg donors. HEY, YOU PAGAN PRICK! HAND ME MY METHADONE!"
I always give Henry a hard time mainly because he has the intelligence of my mother, bless her naive heart, and god rest her soul.  I think Henry is just now losing his baby teeth at 28, and no permanents have come in yet. 
Man, this methadone tastes like shit. That deadbeat goth punk! When I get my mitts around his twelve year old neck....
    "How many times do I have to tell you, Henry! You have to get the hook in the middle of the legs!"

(to be continued)

what happens when six people eat a wheel of cheese in a matter of twenty minutes, while rinsing and repeating sicilian veiled jellyfish?  I believe there is a jaccuzi that has become a beacon of light for many upscale bushmen.  I have made a series of deductions forth which were invalid, unjust, and completely appalling. I will not go into them at this time. On a side note, it is clear to me and others that the most beautiful sight in all the land, was the visage of the adobe catholic church eroded by the use of rapid spanish.   Most people think that raping children is disturbing but I just think of them as little people. Some people say that I am sick in the head but I just call it my hero factor. In conclusion, say no when asked to spoon an all ages impossible dream in a tsunami. 

After lapping up several bud lights the wildebeest lets out a deep grunt that sounds like a giant croaking frog. Because of it's appearance and spirited behavior, the settlers in this town named the animal wildebeest or the name more commonly used is cunt-faced whore. There is no other animal like the wildebeest. It looks like it was assembled from spare parts – the forequarters could have come from an ox, the hindquarters from an elephant and the mane and tail from a horse. Seasonal migration is an optimial survival strategy which allows the effective use of resources over larger areas and which minimises over-utilisation, both during wet and dry seasons. Unfortunately, this particular beast chooses not to migrate and has entered into an extremely long dry season that has forced her behavior to become erratic. She has deserted her herd and now imposes her presence on smaller more charasmatic groups, during her breeding season. This beast goes through all kinds of antics, galloping and bucking around in others territories. She paws the ground and rubs her head on it, spreading secretions produced by the preorbital and interdigital glands. She also urinates and defecates in certain spots and tolls around in it to signal to others that her cavernous vagina is moistened and ready for spelunking.