The final stop in chronicaling our founding fathers is Brother Brent.  We will end with Brother Brent for no other reason except that he has done some of the dumbest things out of all the founders.  Brother Brent is not neccessarily an idiot, but you wouldn't know it by what you are about to learn of him.  We will begin with the most disgusting.

During an evening of drunken stupidity, Brother Brent was officially wasted. He drank more then his limit. He drank more then everyone else at the party's limit.  He still wanted more beer, though. That was when Brother Don had an epiphany.  Brother Don instrusted his cousin to get the video camera.  Please note that Brother Brent remembersnone of this and it is all via recollection of the video the next day.  Now will be an explanation of what was viewed on the tape by Brother Brent. Not all quotes are verbatum.

Video starts with a close-up of Brother Don holding a beer. "This dumbass (points to Brother Brent) is willing to do something stupid for the last beer in the house. He is going to eat a plate of wet cat food for this beer." This is where things start to go downhill.  A small saucer with a pile of wet, canned cat food is given to Brother Brent.  As he picks it up, an onlooker shouts that they will also pay two dollars as well as the beer if he eats it. Brother Brent, in his inebrated state, quickly agrees. Close-up of Brother Brent about to put a huge handfull of cat food in his mouth.  In it goes. Gag reflex hits. Out it goes. Brother Brent catches it in his hand just to repeat the attempt again. Same results. In it goes, gag reflex hits, out it goes into his hand.  Brother Brent repeats this process several more times with no progress until an onlooker hands the beer to Brother Brent. As the cat food enters the mouth, he begins to drink. Someone then thought this would be a good time to tell a joke. Cue the spit take, loaded with cat food and beer. A several foot spray of pure nastiness has now soaked everyone like a disgusting Galagher Concert. Brother Brent then charges to the bathroom to rid himself of the rest of the nastiness. The taste, however, would haunt him forever.

The next tale is not as disgusting, but still not the most sanitary. The three founders decided to spend an evening at the local tavern.  The evening ended up being full of beer, billards, and condom inflating. After the trio were done inflating things that shouldn't be inflated in public areas, they stumbled out in the cold winter air and decided to stagger home.  As they walked, Brother Brent felt an urge to relieve himself. The only problem was they weren't home yet. About this time, they pass an open U-Haul truck. The lightbulb then turned on. As Brother Don and Brother Matt are keeping an eye out, Brother Brent leaps into the back of the truck with the grace of a retarded bison. Relief was found.  The trio made their way back home and in the morning went to get the car. As they passed, the open U-Haul was still there. Now there was an extra to it; a frozen solid, yellow tinted puddle in the nose of the cargo area.

To backtrack a bit from the puddle, the founding fathers did not just pass out upon arriving home.  There would be no fun in that. The next logical step would be to chill out and blow stuff up while playing Halo 2. And that happened for a couple minutes until Brother Matt couldn't handle the spinning and stopped playing just to pass out, face down, on the floor. Most know the rule, but for those who don't, here is a loosely based version of it: If you pass out first, you will be screwed with.  So it was decided, Brother Brent would draw a large, hairy, penis in purple marker on the back of Brother Matt's mostly shaved head.  Brother Don felt it was lacking some flair. So he decided to turn it into a large, hairy, purple, ejaculating penis.  Once the masterpiece was finished, the two artists decidied to hit the sack. The next morning, Penis-Head was awoken by a phone call from his parents and immediately left to see them. Brother Brent and Brother Don forgot about the picture on Brother Matt's head until he was wlking out the door.  Moments later, the artists receive a call simply stating "Ooh, Matt's gonna kill you!" This was then followed by the front door flying open. Apparently his parents sawthat Brother Brent ha little artistic skill and informed him that the picture was not an accurate representation. Needless to say, Penis-Head was so worked up, he was spitting.

And now, it is time for the Legend of the New Year's Penis. A couple of points need to be clarified before the Legend progresses.  This is not something stupid that Brother Brent did. It is more a stupid thing that was done to Brother Brent. Also, some may think this tale should be introduced as "And now for the homo-erotic portion of the show." Please note that only one person actually saw a penis that night and it was a woman that spotted the mushroom headed offender.

For a small backstory. It's New Year's Eve and there is a housefull of people all drinking and having a good time. Of course, all three founding fathers of M.O.N.C. were there. That is what caused the evening to turn to legend. For some reason, evertime the trio gets together and drinks, somebody will get thouroghly abused. Ball tapping, tackling, titty twisters, you name it, it has been done.  The night started with the usual beatings, but soon after turned into pantsing mainly for an embarassment issue considering the ammount of Cooter there. All was going well. Pants were falling and dignity still remained intact. That all changed once Brother Matt and Brother Don learned that Brother Brent was free-balling. Going commando that night was the worst mistake he could have made. So now, the focus of the evening was to reveal Brother Brent's miniscule member to all the woman-folk in sight. What made this evening even more embarassing for Brother Brent was that all of it was being recorded on a DVD camera.

So, to set the current scene, Brother Brent has been tackled to the ground. Brother Matt is trying to control his arms and upper half. Brother Don has the legs under control and is trying to de-pants him. Neither Brother Don or Brother Matt are watching what they are doing for fear that the Vienna Sausage of Doom would spring forth. Slowly but surely, the attacking Brothers are succeeding. With every passing minute, the pants go a bit lower. Then finally, in all of its diminutive glory, the poor little guy is loose. Not only that, but he is dancing a little jig. Brother Matt and Brother Don were shaking and rocking Brother Brent as all onlookers were groaning and covering up their eyes.  Brother Don and Brother Matt are yelling back ond forth "Is it out?" "I don'tknow, just keep shaking!" So in the end, there is now a DVD of Brother Brent's member looking like a cocktail weenie in a pinball machine.

So there it is. Like mentioned earlier, the dumbest things were found in Brother Brent's Scroll reading. Good luck shaking those images.

Brothers, it has come to light that there are some that have broken the Commandments of M.O.N.C.  Therefore, punnishments should be made.

Any Brother who breaks one Commandment shall receive a paddling from the Cooter of Doom. Five swings should do the trick.

Any Brother who breaks two Commandments shall receive ten lashes from a three foot long black dildo also known as the Great American Challenge.

Any Brother who breaks three Commandments shall receive a ten minute face-humping session from Brother Matt or any other Brother willing to hump said violater..Commandments shall receive each and everyone of the previous punnishments consecutively.

Any Brother who breaks four Commandments shall receive three Cement Mixers back to back to back. If any vomiting occurs, the Mixers shall be given again.

Any Brother who breaks five Commandments shall receive each and every one of the previous punnishments consecutively.

Any Brother who breaks six or more Commandments shall receive each and every one of the previous punnishments consecutively and be made to walk a crowded city, wearing nothing but M.O.N.C. boxers. All-the-while screaming out that they broke a M.O.N.C. Commandment, which one they broke, the punnishments that they received and that they will never break it again.

If there are any questions or inquires into the punnishments, seek guidance from M.O.N.C. we shall clarify any questions you may have.

This is the tale of three men.  Three men who were reveared by all of mankind.  These three men have become legends in their own right.  This is the tale of Brother Don, Brother Matt, and Brother Brent.

As legend goes, these three men had taken a vow of celebacy for many, many years.  This vow was not of their choosing.  It was bestowed upon them by the gods.  Gods that apparently had wicked senses of humor.  For a long time these men fought back against what was bestowed upon them, until one day they relented.  They excepted their fate and even began to embrace it.

These three ordinary men then decided to do something extraordinary:  They would live without Cooter.

From that moment on, Cooter (while still prevelant in their minds) no longer was their only reason for continuing life. They began to see clearer and found many other joys in life. They realized that during their pursuits of Cooter, they missed out on many adventurous activites, many of which are still performed today.  Like the rush of excitement that comes from being pulled behind a chariot on your back.  Performed after downing a succulent concoction of a stout ale, Irish cream, and the best Irish whiskey available.  Or perhaps the act of sliding down frozen hills just to collide with inanimate objects.  All the while downing the oh-so-sweet mix of fine vodka and the finest nectars.  Life may now be led in a haze, but it was clearer somehow.  Only something they never expected was looming around the bend.

Since accepting their fates, each man had come to realize that Cooter can still be theirs.  Since they no longer strived for it day in and day out, it was not an all consuming force to be reckoned with.  They discovered that Cooter was now available on rare occasions.  Regardless of the fact they had each recieved Cooter, these men decided not to forsake their ways.  They would still accept what fate had given them and they would march on.

And march on they did.  They began to inform close aquantances as to how they led their lives.  Each person accepted this new information and responded with great praise.  To think that one could attain Cooter by not trying to attain it.  The thought was almost blasphemous.  These men then thought that if people they knew would accept this, then the masses had to be made aware.

And so began the journey.  The journey to spread the word.  The word that life will go on, even for Men On No Cooter.  M.O.N.C. was born.

Through all the teachings of Brother Don, Brother Matt, and Brother Brent, M.O.N.C will live on forever.  No man can be denied entrance into the Brotherhood of M.O.N.C. for there is a little M.O.N.C in us all.