it pisses me off when people start sentences with 'well i'm the kind of person that blah blah blah'. it's like, really? do you honestly think me or anyone else in hearing distance cares about how you so very badly
want people to perceive you? maybe if you weren't so adamant about
pointing out so strongly what you want someone to believe is true when
it's probably just a load of crap with your emphasis of 'i'm' somebody would actually take you seriously. you know who you are.
and now to the real point of my story;

i'm the kind of person that is not easily stuck on an addiction. sure, i'm a
creature of habit and if i have to go left instead my daily right i feel dizzy
and have to cancel any prior plans, but i eventually come out of my slump
and grab life by the it's filthy horns until another change of my inane ritaualistic life (yeah, i'm talking to you Wendy's. why the need to charge me $1.50 for my ceaser salad at this point on my life? i was perfectly content with it being a dollar and didn't even mind paying the tax.) when i have to face these hardships there's usually only one thing that numbs the pain of my kicked balls; alcohol. in any of it's beautiful forms, i've learned to appreciate this tasty beverage and the courage it gives me to take on another day. like most vivacious young gay men, i'd had my first taste of booze long before it was legal for me. the only difference was that when i turned twenty-one i could actually do it in public.

i'm the kind of person that when given an inch they take a mile and if you're not going to take the inch given to you i will most likely be the first in line to have yours too. but in my defense, my liquor addicction didn't really take flight until most of my friends became of age. before then i'd be too embarassed to be the only drunk one. i mean, it happened more often than not anyway but i figured having my conscience constantly reminding me about dignity reassured me
that i, in fact, was not an alcoholic; alcoholics aren't aware they have a problem. then came the wonderful day that my best friend of thirteen years
turned twenty-one. i'm almost positive the birds chirped all day and there wasn't a smog cloud in sight that morning. now, if anyone can out drink me
it's definitely steve. i swear sometimes i think his liver is immortal. but even he knows when to have a 'night in to  just hang out'.

i'm the kind of person that when invited for complany doesn't bring a bottle but is usually the first one to call a round of shots. call me what you'd like but i know what i like and it's a hefty dose of feel good liquid followed by a high calorie sugarsweet soda. while living the high life and under-tipping bartenders, i've noticed that i'm putting on a little weight. i mean, i've always had a tummy but if i would just skip a meal and suck in for dear life it was pretty convincing that there was a tan little washboard under there. these days that just doesn't cut it. if unnoticingly drive over a speed bump i feel a little jiggle action in the mid
area of my body. the deal breaker that made me realize that alcohol was making me it's bitch was when a friend did the boob lift on me and they actually had something to work with. and when my mantit came back down there was some gravitational pull. so i did what any concerned gay man would do; i found another addiction.

i'm the kind of person that is not really into smoking weed. i'm in no way against it but i prefer sipping a cocktail and getting a gradual buzz. but when i found alcohol as the culprit for my new AAA's, i figured pot was going to have to be the next best thing. i'd still get that out of body experience i'm come to know and love, and i'd be a hell of a lot funnier and less erratic. but i overlooked one minor implication; munchies. never in my life had i eaten a cheese quesadilla, spicy chicken nuggets and a peanut butter milkshake in ten minutes..and wondered what i'd whip myself up for dessert. before i knew it, i was waking up and saw the belly monster hanging out from under my fantastic four t-shirt. it was obviously back to my trusty addiction of choice.

my recent adult instincts have been telling me to just drink in moderation. it hasn't really sunk in but i'll definitely give it a try sometime. in the meantime, i'm going to booze like there's no tomorrow and live for the now. i'll have plenty of time to be a gym bunny and go running instead of sitting in my room  with a double vodka cranberry watching a b-rated horror movie. for now i'm going to embrace my
high alcohol tolerance and learn to be friends with my bulging belly and man boobs. i'm making sweet sweet spiked lemonade with the sour lemons life has so graciously placed in my basket, and you know why?

because i'm that kind of person.