Greetings and hello everyone! Happy new years! Hope everyone is starting the year off right. So far so good on this end. Its so far been a fresh start,in more ways then i could possibly express. The end of 2008 has been a bitter sweet thing,in many ways im glad its finaly over. It just goes to show,that time waits for no one,change happens reguardless if you are ready or not. Ive been thinkin alot about 2008 and the many,many things that have happend,and the many,many events that have been life changing, and the many key people who have taken part in the changing of my life.

I had no idea that not only was i taking a trip to see my family,and to learn more about where i came from,but i was truely deeply fnding the meaning to who i am.I had no idea it would change my life,and rock my world to the deepest core of my soul. I really wasnt sure what to expect. I wasnt sure what to think,and honestly i didnt even know how to really feel about it all. I was really,really scared and i must say its one of my biggest fears ive faced,in everyway possible.

Sitting in that plane,flying over the states,sat next to me my world,my life,my everything i work so hard for,in this bundle of 10 year old boy i saw my past my present and my future. In his eyes and his questions i realized i must be doing something,something so very right.In his excitment i felt a sense of pride in so many ways,i couldnt even put them all into words,i still cant. Ill never forget it.I'll also never forget the weight off my shoulders being relesed when i saw my daddy.The amount of anger and hate that went away when i looked into his eyes,
The way it all felt soo surreal. I still cant put into words they way these moments gave me peace,but it did. Looking at him,talking to him,things began to make sense. I didnt feel so alone, I didnt feel like a fatherless child,my dad really felt real for the first time. Meeting my family slowly but surely left me feeling more and more complete,i was actully becomeing a whole person,and i never really understood why it all matterd,but it does.

Finding out things i never know, re hearing things i never understood, grasping things from a now adult stand point,was starting to make sense. Hearing my dads side,and actcully listening to everyone and everything and not haveing an opnion on things that were being shown and told to me was the best choice i could have made. Finding out that my dad so deeply loved my mother closed so many doors,and opened so many more in my life.

Getting to know my brother and spending time with him,taught me so so soo much,loving him the way i do,did something big to me,realizeing that i was someones big sister changed my position in life

Seeing my own history,reading my own story was by far the most amazing things that has ever happend to me

Finding out that my life was no accident, was the most comforting thing i have ever heard. Daddy said to me "god makes no mistakes" im pretty sure hes right. There are days where i think about it all,i just cant help it. I am just soo,sooo,sooo thankful i took that trip,i took the chance and i let things happen. I feel so thankful everyday for everything i have and for everyone in my life,for everyone who has ever added to my growth as a person. Im starting to figure things out, not sayin ive got it down to a science or anything,but im learning everyday.
The one most important key part of this year that ive learned is knowing what matters,who matters and mostly trust. So far this year my ultimate best friend has been Daymien. Like man,i cant even  write about it without getting all emotional about it,hmm well my baby has grown up,and has grown up to be something so beautiful. He has been there,hes always been there and ever so unconditional reguarless of our situation. He was been there by my side thru such,such hard times,wich i'll be the first to admit sometimes was no ones fault but my own,he was my only sense of comfort for the journey to ohio

When it came down to it,he was the only person i knew,and that i trusted in that whole entire state,he was my one sense of security. We talked every night in bed,just about my feelings, who would have thought a kid could even grasp that concept? or even understand or even care. Those moments gave me a connection to him,i never thought i could ever have with him,having him being that 1 and only person i knew in the whole state showed me that we have always,always been 1.always.We never lost each other.ever.

Man,this boy is something else,theres a part of him that is such a kid,but theres such a huge part of him that is wise beyond his years,and ive been lucky enough to see both sides of him,nd feel sooo very honored that he shares that with me.
I feel sooo honored that so many people share such beautiful sides of them to me. I cant even put into words how wonderful so much of my time with everyone has been,everyone has left thier marks on me in one way or another. and i am thankful for it all,good or bad. I always always think about cita in every moment of my life,no matter where i am at or what i am doing, no matter what phase we might be in in our relationship,no matter the distance or the disconnection we may have.

This past year with you has been such a trip. all i can say is that we are finaly growing up,or maybe im catching up to you,i dont even know. In so many ways you have been more of a sister to me then my own,i remember the days when we were all we had. I will never ever forget all the laughs,all the talks,all the food lol,just all the learning we did together.I think about it all all the time,i mostly wonder what happend to all the time. Seems like it was just yesterday we were dealing with high school issues,just yesterday we were swaping baby tips.

You have taught me soo incredibly much,more then you will ever know or understand. I cant thank you enough for the things and people you have brought into my life,and the joy that these things bring me. I am so very thankful for kenny,he takes such good care of you,and has grown to be such a part of the family,its hard to think about what life was like without him. Just how happy he makes you is  priceless. He has taught me alot too,just watching you two has. Its so freakin crazy that its going on 3 years!!!geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzz!!!
I look back at 2008 and,man there was some good,good times. i sure had some fun,lol. I still cant get over how much everything has changed, but i do know its for the good,everytime i think of the good times i cant help but think of tracy

man oh man did we sure dooo some crazy things. But we did have some fun, and learned soo much. I wouldnt change any of it for the world. 6 years ago really? It seems like just yesterday i just couldnt wait to turn 21 to party with you, seems like just yesterday we would talk all night trying to figure out stupid boys.

Your always in my thoughts no matter where i am in life,or what im doing, you have taught me and shown me more things then i could possibly imagine,and i couldnt thank you enough. I'm pretty sure 2008 was one of our best years ever,its been awsome watching you and your son grow : ) In my down times with ive had many, i came across someone i never knew would heal me,who would be just what i needed.Gypsie.who woulda thought it was a cat? i dont know how she did it,but she fixed some part of me in the short time i had her,i to this day miss her sooo very,very much.

I dont think very many people took my relationship with her seriously,but i did.I know i didnt have her in 2008,but her memeory kept me going for sure,hoping she would find her way home kept a small part of me that was shutting down,still open
I still miss her like crazy. I think about her and all the things she used to do all the time,she was there for me in such a critiacal moment in my life,its not easy to just forget people who are there during those times... when i think of strength i think of sonya. Like my time with this girl in 2008 has been soo inspireing. soo very.She just doesnt let anything or anyone get her down,ever. and her unconditional love for everyone is so beautiful,our conversations always have meaning,ive learned sooo very much from this girl,

such a motivating person for 2008. Love this girl. Keep on teckin. I have come to realize that things happen,they just always do,no matter if your ready or not,some people see the glass as half empty,and i see alot of truths to that. I think about it all the time,and my view of it s i see the glass half full,and if theres ice cubs in the cup,its even more fuller,..i come to those thoughs when i fill water glasses at work,some people are perfectly happy with drinkin the water till theres nothing left, some people panic when its half way full,and it always makes me wonder. I know when i am dineing out id never say anything,id never panic for water,and as long as i have melting ice cubes,id never be thirsty. Thats also how i see my life,and the people i love are kind of like my ice cubes,if that makes sense to anyone. I learned alot of that from my mom,we never had much,but was always enough,she made sure i was fully aware of our situation,but things could always be worse.
What a trooper she is,what strength she has. she just keeps goin and goin. Never ever seeing the glass as half empty,always seeing 1 penny 99 pennies away from a dollar,not many people can see things that way. Her role in my life this year showed me change. She has shown me how very nessecary it really is. How important family is, and most importantly the value of freedom and independance. This has been such a great year for our realtionship,havent felt this connected to her in a long time.
Family,man,such a big deal no matter if your want it or not,if your ready for it or not,its there. I found my reminder of that in a beautiul girl i thought id never see again,finding her closed and opened alot of doors for me and mom,she was our missing piece that hurt us both deeply,and in ways put a gap in our relationship.Our first reunion was a bit rocky,but the past is the past,we have grown and we have learned and we now move past it.

In ths girl i just see soo much. soo much. shes the one last link between a few things. Feel so much more complete and at peace now that she knows how much we have always,always loved her,how very special she has always been. I dont have to hold on to those feelings of guilt that she would never know these things,now neither does mom,thats priceless.
I never thought i would feel sooo free. So happy. So complete. As wonderful as 2008 started off,and was going,i couldnt imagine it to get any better,i really had no clue what was about to happen,the people i was about to meet. I never thought i would really get to use the life lessons i had learned, the love lessons i passed and failed,the new emotions i developed and the feelings i had learned to aknowledge and accept. I didnt know there was such thing possible. I didnt think it would happen to me. I guess its safe to say i was comfortable with things the way they were,at the pace they were going. needless to say yeah i have a slight fear of sudden change but hey im human. Out of all the places i thought i would see

anytime soon,i never thought it would be vegas, as small as it is to some people,seeing it one day was such a big deal to me, doing it so randomly as i wished was by far the most liberateing feeling ive ever had,i can say ive never felt so free ,so grown up. : ) I didnt realize going to vegas was going to change my life,was going to change me and everything i ever thought or believed,i never thought id fall in love,that id find the biggest missing piece of all
I never thought id have the chance to reunite with the past,who would become my future,my everything. I never thought everything id been wating,waiting for really exsisted. Didnt think id see it this lifetime for sure. Its been the best expierence ive ever had. In so many areas. When i think about my life ,what ive done,when i think about love and everything about it,when i think of partners,life partners thats where chad comes in I seriosly couldnt have asked for a better man,a better friend.

I really cant express how great it feels to share every part of my self,with some one. The genuiness and beauty i see in this man is amazing,i have never ever met any one like him. This relationship has grown into something beautiful,and so have we,thats the part i love most about it,among many other things. The relationship we have is so very special,i value it and treasure it deeply. Such a great person,so blessed to have you in my life. So thankful to have you as a friend,lucky to have you as a boyfriend. Sometimes we are just sooo blessed to have people in our life,some of us are really lucky to have many. And i am so happy to say,i am one of those who have many.Everyone in my life is special to me in thier own ways, when i think of specail i think of a couple of people,its a tie,between kayla and this little package of greatness kenzie, theres just somethin about them

really,never met a team quite like this. Its great. very,very specail. its just one of those things. Words just dont describe it,i couldnt even if i tried.

Im just soo happy i can share a side of me with the two of them that ive never been able to share before. I still havent quite got the words for it all. I dont even know,but i love it and i'm thankful .......

so thankful for so many people so many moments,my life is so beautiful right now.
2008 and everyone in it have been amazing. so beautiful. Its diffinetely been a year of change,and growth,and strength and love and trust and courage. for sure. Thank you everyone!!!!!!!!!!

              almost there .