If faced with divinity, would you run and hide or would you should shake the cobwebs from your eyes and accept it, embrace it. So what should we consider divine, If we were to take the beliefs that god created us in his image or everything and everyone is part of a cosmic whole. Shouldn't we see that everyone and everything is divine from the smallest grain of sand to the stars and sun above. Shouldn't all these things be looked at with awe and wonder. In this world where almost everything is seen through cynical eyes and looked upon as trivial, where is the wonder that once graced our ancestors? Where is the connection to the divine? Should we all start pilgrimages to India or Jerusalem? Would this set us right? I seriously doubt it, instead shouldn't we look into ourselves for the signs of divinity. To be humbled and in awe of ourselves, not because of pride or vanity but because we recognize that we are a macrocosms and microcosms of all that heaven and hell, earth and sky can provide. In turn shouldn't we see everyone else as a source of the divine. As i have said before, I rant and rave with quite a fervor, many of my thoughts are left unfinished and contradictory. So take all i write with a grain of salt, the musings of a madman. These things i write, are not for you, but for me. If something i say stirs something in you, whether it's anger or curiosity, thank you for even reading these things. I only use these blogs to organize my thoughts into something more concrete and understandable, because believe me the free flowing words and phrases that rattle against the sides of my skull are usually incomplete and unintelligible. I pose these questions to myself in hopes that someday i can answer them with the fortitude and confidence of someone who understands themselves and the world. This may be a far-fetched and unattainable goal, yet its still a goal and it's my goal. Thank you again for reading these thoughts of a madman, i know life is short and transient and your attention is numbered in minutes and hours which you will never get back. Have a good day. I talk to you all soon.

Okay from the title, you may be expecting a tirade about how love sucks, how women are evil and Valentines Day is stupid. This won't be as cynical as that, even though i could launch into a tirade on those subjects. I can pretty much rant and rave about anything, but again i won't do that here or now. Yes, i can tell you about my misfortunes in relationships, being cheated on several times, finding the darkness inside people, and horrible realizations about people in general. But what the title of this blog refers to, is not the killing of love, it's about creating something that goes beyond labels, something beyond the mass produced ambrosia that most people call love. The title also refers to a quote about the Buddha.

"If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him."

I take this quote to refer to the cessation of any pre-conceived notions you might have of the Buddha or enlightment. You must find him in yourself, because he is you, and no one elses. Your own personal buddha.

So what does this have to do with love. A lot, so many people think they know what love is, they have this idea they've created through years of TV, love songs, and personal idealizations. True love has no idea what it is until you're smack right in the middle of it. It's like a snake in the grass you've never noticed until it sinks its fangs into you. It's coiled up along your path until you clumsily step near it. Despite the dark and morbid imagery, my view of love is a positive thing. It's something you can wrap your arms around, but never quite know it's totality. It's the rain on your lips as you remember a lover's kiss. It's that hunger that makes you sick and fills you with happiness at the same time. It defies all notions and creates situations where a person can truly grow and become a total person. No, I'm not saying you need someone else or love to grow or to become self-realized, but with the right mind set and maturity, love can be a a mirror that shows you, you. I myself have learned so much from my relationships, patience, self-worth, and creating something both people involved can turn to in times of need and joy. I'm a very passionate person who knows love on a very personal level. It's part of my being, the way i love, what i do when in love, and how i cope when love leaves. Although I know myself better than most people, my love is amorphous, constantly changing, and never satisfied to be something you can put a label on. So as i go into this month of "love", without another to share myself with, or a "Valentine" to call my own. I look to myself and know that who ever may come my way will be the best love yet. I'll continue to never be content with what has come, look to nothing else to gauge my love. So with all that has been said, look into yourselves for what your love should be. Is it something that is content on being what it is?, or are you reaching for the unnameable, the love the will knock you on your ass and then give you a helping hand to reach the next rung on the ladder. So if you find your love in the supermarket, pull out your uzi and blast the fuck out of it. Oh, can you pick me up a Dr.Pepper while you're there.

So over the last couple days I've received alot of questions regarding custom work. Simple answer is yes, i do do custom artwork. I usually work off a couple of photos, ideas, and colors. Artwork can be customized by color, size and almost anything imaginable. I can find a printer if you need that too, but if you have a printer in mind or you can print it yourself, i can supply you with almost any file format and size you need. The creation of the artwork, is something equivalent to a tornado, shapes, colors and images are thrown about until they find their final resting places. But if you are interested in a custom piece, you can contact me here, at evilchivo@gmail.com, or if you have my cell number you can call me there. If you want my cell number i will be more than happy to supply you with it so we can discuss the piece further. I try to create the most personal work i can do for you, so any info will help. Again this process is sort of manic and unpredictable, so results may vary. Contact me for more info or a price range. My goal as an artist is to provide something visually arresting and personal, at the same time making it accessible to most peoples wallets. Thank you all for you support.

So i have the infamous artist's block, it's grinding at me, leaving me unable to be satisfied. I keep going over the same images in my head over and over again. I can almost see what i'm aiming for, it's laying there between the folds in my brain, aching for me to uncover it. Well at least I'm wanting to create, for awhile there i couldn't even dream of creating something again. My heart was expressionless, unable to put into words or into images, anything of any worth. The hunger is again returning, it's coming back, with vengeance in its eyes and blood underneath it's fingernails. Destruction is key to my creations, and i want to destroy everything in sight, tear things apart with my teeth. It's the recreation that has me at a stand still. How do i put these pieces back together, how do i make them mine. Only one of my 2 drives is working correctly right now, this chaos is what usually seeds the fertile fields that lead me to create but at this point i can't see the fruits. Maybe i just need to relax in the chaos right now without any intent to put things back together again. Maybe i should enjoy this chaos that is soo prevalent in my mind right now, it's been so long since i felt anything. It's harmless and contains no ill effects to my mind or soul. Any one have any suggestions to reignite the creation flame? I do need a new muse.

No, i don't want to see your other page where you can post nude pictures, i could give a flying rats ass if you like to cam chat, i don't want to party with you. You with your promises of naked flesh and vile charms. It does not excite me to see your breasts and ass, i cannot touch you, so fuck off. Even if i could touch you, would i want to, would your skin fall in chunks of caked make-up and glitter. Would i need to wrap my self in cellophane just to be near you. This baseness you peddle to anyone who can click "accept". Maybe it's just me, maybe theres hundreds or even thousands a day that would gladly accept this poison. Again, i could give a shit. Don't get me wrong viewing beauty is something i hold dear, but you are the bottom rung, you offer no inspiration, you offer no happiness, no catalyst for my well being, you are a facade which cannot hide the sins of the world. I know i could make it harder for you to request my "friendship", a very loose term indeed, but it would also make it harder for the people who could give me inspiration. So fuck off you sin peddlers, i choose to make my own sin.

This is a Rant, not guided by any particular subject matter, just something that's expelling from me right now.

So here we are again. Once more around the sun, new promises and a new set of excuses of why we didn't do it before this present moment. Our excuses pile up, leaving a lot of us with a sense of not being true to ourselves. I'm not one to accuse anybody of not being true to themselves, I speak only about what i know about myself, and what the tendency is for most people. I've taken stock of myself many times in these years I've called my life. Each and every time i see things that can be bettered and improved. Love, life, career, friends, and self-improvement are all things that exist on the eternal to-do list.
Should i take the time to do this thing or another? How can i be a better lover, or a friend, or a brother? What process is within my control? Is anything within our control? Are we just floating in space, waiting for an object or another fellow floater to stop our spinning? A few seconds here and a few minutes there.
This reality has a melody to it, it's our duty to sing and dance to it, to add the chorus, make the bridge, and to enhance it any way we can. Like a song, this reality, can be peaceful or exciting, it's all what you do to it. It is my strong belief, that if you can embrace this melody find the harmonies within it and yourself, you are on the right path. These questions we have, or things we must do, will be answered as long as we don't go against the melody. The melody is ours, it's personal in a way that nothing can ever come close to it. So as this song progresses i'll find my melody, things i should do, will be done as long as it is mine. You must evolve with the song or you'll be left playing the triangle to someone elses beat. So as for my resolutions and things that should be done. I will find a way. One thing that has gone neglected for far too long is to show my appreciation for people. Most people know that i appreciate them but it should be said or written from time to time. To remind me and them. So here we are, if i don't get to you it's not because i don't appreciate you, it's because time alloted is short and fleeting. The few that i do say something about are just some of the many that i appreciate.

To Sean: we may be the worst brothers ever as someone as said, but i know if someone had to put their on life on the line for me, you'd be first on the list to offer it, and i would be the first to offer mine. You have time to grow and years to find whatever your looking forward. Know, that if you ever need help or advice, i'll always be here, well till you piss me off again.

To Veronica/Knick-knack: You've been there from the start, whenever i needed a big sister or a best friend, you've been there. Our dreams and lives have always been entangled, mirroring in some places, existing side by side in others. I could've and should've been a wreck, a lost soul not holding anything of value in this life but you have been my rock, the sane voice who guided my path when insanity has been in my blood. You've guided me without even knowing it. When relationships have gone south and women seem to all be the same, I look to you and my mother for proof that women can be beautiful inside and out. Your gentle hand is sometimes all it took to keep me from letting the madness in my blood to take over.

To Erik: Dude you are awesome. A friend that may not always know what's going on in my head or the pain i sometimes go through but you're there regardless. I have found a kindred spirit in you. When i've needed a break from the thoughts in my own head, you've been there with a beer and something to laugh at or something to discuss. Another savior of my sanity. It goes without saying that whatever you need you can ask me. You're on that list of people i'd gladly risk my life for. It's great to know someone that has nothing but good intentions.

To Jo Anne: The second part of the Erik equation, your great heart and cheerful personality makes everything a little happier. You were there when i needed to spit venom and hate, when i needed to stop the thoughts in my head, you were there with a patient ear and open heart. It makes my heart lighter to know that Erik has someone there to make his life happier. You both deserve the happiness that's awaiting both of you.

To Maria: A big sister and confidant, you knows things about me that could get you murdered (so watch it). I've told you most of my secrets and you still look me in the eyes. You're a great person and mother, who does right by any one she can. You may be filthy and the dirtiest woman i've ever met but it's a good thing. I know i can count on you for good sane advice, thank you for your wisdom.

To Jackie: I know we don't know a whole lot about each other, but you're still someone i know i can count on when i need to count on someone. And with everybody that i've mentioned so far, you're on that list of people i'd risk my life for. Good people.

To Gretchen: You may be far away, but your humor and good will reach me even here. Thank you always for your heart and smiles.

To Monica: Thank you for the drinks and laughs. There will be more in the future. A new friend and a great friend. You're awesome.

To anyone i've missed, I love all of you and thank you for everything you've meant to me and my life.

Every one has believed in god, if only for a moment or second of their life. The moment we realize we exist, we breathe, we know we are. What brain state existed before "I think therefore I am". Scientifically, its probably just a random/pre-determined burst of chemicals or an evolution of a brain to a higher state of consciousness. Spiritually, it could be a will from god/higher being or force, the click of the "On" switch, the press of a button. Also, if this moment exists or does not exist, we could never know. Unless told by a god, higher being/force, or we evolve into it.

Is death just our evolution into a higher state of being. Like a change in elemental state, a solid into a liquid, liquid to a gas, gas into plasma, like "i think therefore i am" to "I am". The forces at work against us or for us, can still be left to be discovered. Forces or properties, from our current of life/reality have only been recently discovered, such as physics. But now that we know it exists, we think, maybe we could have always known. Thus ending a fairly retarded argument.

Everything is change, yet its not. Its been preprogrammed or patterned innately. A change is a blessing, a curse, a replication of cell, a newly formed thought. Both good and bad. At one time revealing itself and concurrently hiding it' s self. One state to another. Buddhist call it enlightenment, christians find god/jesus, non-existence into existence, pre-thought into thought, thinking and knowing. Then again what's the difference.

Isn't it kind of funny thinking and questioning things such as life. Subjects, man has shown little progress in discovery or collection of facts. When can we all be buddhas/christs? When can we "Know".
-------------------------
enlightenment |en'litnm?nt| |1n?la?tn=m?nt| |?n?la?tn=m?nt| |?n?l??t(?)nm(?)nt| |?n-|
noun
1 the action of enlightening or the state of being enlightened : Robbie looked to me for enlightenment.
• the action or state of attaining or having attained spiritual knowledge or insight, in particular (in Buddhism) that awareness which frees a person from the cycle of rebirth.
2 ( the Enlightenment) a European intellectual movement of the late 17th and 18th centuries emphasizing reason and individualism rather than tradition. It was heavily influenced by 17th-century philosophers such as Descartes, Locke, and Newton, and its prominent exponents include Kant, Goethe, Voltaire, Rousseau, and Adam Smith.

enlightenment
noun
sharing her musical enlightenment with her children insight, understanding, awareness, wisdom, education, learning, knowledge; illumination, awakening, instruction, teaching; sophistication, advancement, development, open-mindedness, broad-mindedness; culture, refinement, cultivation, civilization.
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Buddha |'bood?; 'bood?| |?bud?| |?b?d?| |?b?d?| (often the Buddha)
a title given to the founder of Buddhism, Siddartha Gautama( c. 563– c. 460 bc). Born an Indian prince, he renounced wealth and family to become an ascetic, and after achieving enlightenment while meditating, taught all who came to learn from him.
• [as n. ] ( a buddha) Buddhism a person who has attained full enlightenment.
• a statue or picture of the Buddha.

ORIGIN Sanskrit, literally 'enlightened,' past participle of budh 'know.'
----------------
Sanskrit |'san?skrit| |?søn'skr?t| |?sanskr?t|
noun
an ancient Indic language of India, in which the Hindu scriptures and classical Indian epic poems are written and from which many northern Indian languages are derived.
adjective
of or relating to this language.
--------------------------------------
Sanskrit was spoken in India roughly 1200–400 bc, and continues in use as a language of religion and scholarship. It is written from left to right in the Devanagari script. The suggestion by Sir William Jones (1746–94)of its common origin with Latin and Greek was a major advance in the development of historical linguistics.
DERIVATIVES
Sanskritic |san'skritik| |søn?skr?d?k| |-?skr?t?k| adjective
Sanskritist |'san?skritist| |?søn'skr?d?st| noun
ORIGIN from Sanskrit sa?sk?ta 'composed, elaborated,' from sa? 'together' + k? 'make' + the past participle ending -ta.
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Are we already Buddhas/Christs lost in the experience waiting to "Know"? Do we want to "Know"?

actually its not very becoming at all but i could care less. Here are a couple of drunken/intoxicated ramblings in no particular order and no particular talent.

-----------------------------
liquid in my lungs.

did you accost me last night
i was waiting for the wind to blow my way
in it i would find my reason to live
yet it seemed to glance by my face
and push on through to the next restless night

i counted the footsteps from your door to my destiny
45 to be exact, and one left over for you
i always leave things like this up to chance
to the ones that are better suited for this type of action
you know me, i could drown under this type of pressure

so i ask you "have you ever slid down the streets with no liquid in your lungs"
a smile and the little girl laugh, your answer.
i watch the breath escape your teeth like phantom cigarette smoke
and i only have 6 beers left till i feel alright again
so give me a second, maybe two
let it sink in and leave me to finish my walk
-----------------------------------------------------------------
little blue eyes

bright blue and forever changing
held to my chest
breathing in and out
sing to her
breathe for her
stay with her
till she dreams
little ballerina
soft and sweet
dancing upon daddys dreams
show me, me
seen through little blue eyes

these tiny hands in mine
slipping from my grasp
watching you dance and skip away
bright blue and forever changing
bright blue and forever changing
show me, me
seen through little blue eyes
-----------------------------------------------
3 dozen roses

missing you becomes this sinner's mantra
so many words and phrases that needed to be said
but left in the back of my mouth instead
falling down my throat into my belly
looking to find the solice again
and you come...
with your head on straight
mine is left dangling and favoring the right

we could be worlds apart
systems and languages,
monetary values and hallucinogenic nights
still with my eyes closed and breath in tatters
the look in your eyes guides me in

to meet myself walking about your lips
startling, bloody crime scenes and 3 dozen roses
knowledge that used to belong to me
now resides in the calcium of your body
--------------------------------------------------------------
Red walls

gathering my thoughts
taking the time to see you in the right light
it occurs to me
that you may be brighter than anything i have seen
transient thoughts with broken dreams
mesh well in the comfort of your arms
walk with me tonight
and together we may find what we need
a coffin style wedding and blessed bes
we traveled too far to let go of this now
momentary silence conjures up thoughts
of brightened mornings and long lost months
what has caused these atrocities of loving and hate
this distance fills the emptiness,
that is and will be forever ours

shadow walking all these nights
tracing the cracks in the walls
slightly and patiently
i could fall into these cracks and make them mine
know every fault and crevice
showing you i could dance in the moonlight
as you dance in the stars
but my darkness knows you better

i can place my hand on cold red walls
to know what lies behind
light shines through onto my torn fingers
and heavenly brilliance defines your eyes
to me, you could be poetry
spoken in the right time to send me reeling
drop me to my labored knees
praying to any one who will listen
i know you could keep me in darkness forever
i know you could leave these scars upon my face
so delightfully innocent
so perfectly brilliant

defiled and spat upon
this devil pulls inside of me
curious about this honesty
it can speak in tongues
but knows this great fear has won
in the final days of my life
restless from all the years
releasing
breathing

 

just have to say... OH MY FUCKING GOD!

do you ever feel like your standing still, yet you're moving? maybe its just more proof on how crazy i am but thats what i feel like right now. Its very confusing and exhilirating at the same time. Sometimes it seems like im expending so much energy towards reaching one thing and yet the distance seems to grow and the things i neglect to put any energy towards are coming to me like moths to a flame.

"Maybe my ambition's made to make me want something I just can't have" -Talib Kweli

I accept this in my life, its a fact of my life, the things i want more than anything seem to never come to me. Dont get me wrong ive had good fortune up the yin yang, but it seems the more i try for something the easier it falls from my hands. hmmm life is very interesting. The same theme seems to resonate throughout, in love, life, minor things to major things. Should i give up on the things that it seems im getting nowhere with, and spend more energy towards things i can make progress in? I could be very happy with the things that fall into my lap, but for how long? shiiit i just want to fall asleep and wake up in a few months and see where things are. fast forward to a resolution. fast forward to a solution. grrr... a cocoon would be freaking great, maybe i could eat like for a week straight then curl up in a ball in the dark and sleep for like 3 or 4 months. i hope it doesnt seem like im in a dark state of depression. Umm i guess i am sorta depressed but its something ive lived with all my life, a nice even level of depression. Hell i think im pretty damn chipper for what ive been through in the last 2 years, lets see... wife leaves me...said she never really was in love with me...the brightest thing(my step daughter raven) in my life goes with her...i go from living in my own place to living in a bedroom...had another relationship that seemed to be going extemely well, till she decides shes never really loved me either...hmmmm so yeah 2 major heat breaks in about 1 and half years time. Well hmm i know all this is partly my own doing. Not thinking ahead of time and not taking time with certain things, believing that someone elses meaning of love is the same as mine. shiiiit... anyways i sound all bitter, and im really depressing myself. Ehhhh ive been alone for awhile and will probably continue to be alone for a good amount of time. Im generally in good spirits, ive learned to live with a certain amount of sadness. Its kinda like the hum of the computer, you know you notice it when you first turn it on, then after awhile you dont really notice it, its there but it doesnt bother you so much, its become part of the sonic landscape. You can get used to it, even be comforted by it, and when its gone you feel like somethings missing. well gosh... im depressed tonight and didnt even know it. hmmm im gonna stick my head in between some headphones take a nice dose of sleeping pills and hopefully at some point, i fall asleep. Damn maybe its the fact that i have portishead blaring lets switch it to some beachboys.

okay good night, good day and if i never see you again have a great freaking life. Booyah home skillets!