I come to you
on bended knee,
wrists bleeding
pleading for your help.

You gaze upon my
worthless body
for but a second...

Step over me
with disdain
and cast me away.
Leaving me to my means to an end...

November 30th 2007... 19th birthday... one year older...

what do i honestly have to show for this last year? a few scars, one broken heart, an odd situation to deal with, tons of fears, fewer friends, one car, one graduation, one phone, and 2 jobs.

But what does all that mean? what do posessions mean? do they define where you are in life? in my opinion no. They are just things. yes my car gets me to where i want to go and i don't have to worry about it breaking down... but other than that, what does it mean? to tell ya the truth, i don't know. i don't know why i need any of these things, or why anyone looks at me differently because of who gave them to me.

But alas.... today was my birthday... the day thats suppose to be wonderful and magical; the perfect day. was mine like this?... is anything of mine ever perfect? HA! nope.

my day started off seemingly well... woke up and watched gilmore girls but after that is when everything started to go downhill. I had a fight with a friend of mine that i cant remember what it was about or why it occured. after that i sat at home bored... more bored... even more bored and dad came over. WOO... except it was more like a ....woo... he helped me fill my tires and gave me a card and left. Dinner then was next- pizza and then cheese cake... which was pretty good. after dinner then i was bored again. Im still trying to figure out where everyone that wanted to hang with me on my birthday went. so now i sit... alone... at the coffee shop... on my birthday.... all alone... writing a blog. WOW. why is this birthday particularly bad? god who knows....

thanks for listening....

the ever insane,
Heather

just watch,
as my soul slowly dies in front of you
cloaked in happyness
in laughter and smiles.

just watch as my heart slowly shrivels
will you take notice?

just watch as i slowly die in front of you
decaying from within
not revealing what is happening
i don't want you to know.

im dying, slowly dying,
smiles are fading
laughter only an echoe
turning grey
not able to keep it all inside anymore.

it fills me, through every corner and pours out wherever it can,
i can't stop it, can't keep it all in.

Home...
I just wanna go home
I dunno where I'm at,
I dunno what this place is
but I wanna go home.

Sittin' here in my corner
with only two cold walls to hold me,
to protect me,
tears stream down my face.

thinkin' about my future
do i have one?
what does it hold?
and all i can do is cry.

Cuz you see,
my future is bleak
nothing good can come out of this life
nothing good...for me.

So i make others happy
give them what i can't have
what i want
but cannot reach
live life through them
while mine falls apart
i fall apart

Grasping for what i have left
trying to hold onto myself
being strong for them
with hopes that i can salvage a piece of me.

fighting a loosing battle
yet i cannot give up
an ember of hope burns somewhere...

but embers can be stamped out
or.. they can start a fire.
It remains to be seen what this will do.

So sit back, relax, and enjoy the show folks! It should prove to be fatally amusing.


The ever insane,
Pink

Eyes may cry, hearts can break and yet we take time to ask why. Pain is ever lasting happiness is rare there arn't many that care that into the darkness we are passing. For some, love may come and go but for me it is fixed and so i risk a friendship when i let my feelings show. They are so blind to my pain this is not a game i play with your mind. Three words can mean the world a million words can mean nothing everyones life means something except the life of this little girl. (this is far from being done, just wanted to put up what i have so far)

Needle, beautiful wonderful needle, my skin is where you reside, it is your home. You take my feelings and make them true you help me cope with my world. I love thee, now and forever. It's been a while but i remember, all the times we had, alone crying in the dark, i miss thee so, please come back to me beautiful little thing. I want to remember your glory, i want to remember what we had together, i want the good times with the bad, my skin yearns for you. Where is it that you have been hiding all this time? Don't you love me? I am your slave addicted to your feel, i am truly addicted. You wield your magic over me and i am yours. I shant let you go any time soon. They don't understand our love, but that is just fine with me; for i don't understand theirs. Needle come to me and we shall dance for hours your work is beautiful, no matter what they say I love thee, now and forever.

There is a girl who dresses all in black black is her hair that runs strait down her back black are her nails, so short and so faulty black are her clothes, never are they haughty not perfect, of this she is well aware dealing with her can sometimes be a bear but there is one more side to this goth girl a dancer is she, she really can twirl she has a great passion for all of the arts believe it or not she does have a heart she is so kind, though you wouldn’t have known she puts animals lives before her own a vegetarian is she since may allergic to veggies like somee to hay sometimes she is bewildered by her life her pain causes her to pick up a knife she has many a scar from her bleak past down into the darkness she has been cast no one does dare get in this girls way bipolar is she, moods change by the day she is sensative to all of your quips from her eyes a teardrop silently drips broken hearted she is most of the time her pain is just the thing to fuel her rhymes when in public you would have never guessed in happiness she has herself well dressed care not, does she, about what you may think her boat it seems you cannot ever sink please be kind to her, for you never know her hatread for herself quickly will grow responsible you’ll be for this girls death and she’ll be hurting until her last breath can you guess who this girl is?? lol The ever insane, Pink

not good enough, never good enough... shadows lingering....glimpses of the past. Im not her, she's lucky not to be me Reaching for perfection, wanting the unattainable...he deserves better; i don't deserve him. I am rock bottom, he's stuck with me, stuck here...for now. Trying to help him away from this place; trying to give him better...better than me. Jump out of skin to be what he wants sting of failure won't go away. Asking all the why's, never getting the answers reaching for the goal, falling short. Not good enough, never good enough; shadows lingering, glimpses of the past.

My life falls apart I pick up the pieces, i find the superglue i put myself back together. I get close to him I'm happy untill he leaves me some way.. some how and my life falls apart. I pick up the pieces... find the superglue... put myself back together. Everything seems fine untill my family and i fight my life falls apart. I pick up the pieces... find the superglue... put myself back together. Watching them die slowly... trying to take care of them... and my life falls apart. Pick up the pieces... find the super glue... put myself back together. Another enters my life, I try to give him all of me, but it's not enough... and my life falls apart. Don't wanna pick up the pieces... don't have anymore superglue.. don't remember who i am anymore... can't put myself back together.