I've been pretty lucky in my life since coming out.

I haven't had to deal with a lot of discrimination.

I have definitely had my share of it, especially back in high school, but not anything since I came out that I could not handle.

But for some reason the incident that happened to me Sat night at work just hit me.

I don't want to get too much into it or what he said cause it was at a work event but I will say I've never felt so angry in my life when it comes to someone making fun of me.

The worse part about it was it was at work so I had to just kinda sit there and take it for hours.

When I got home I was so down and crying.  Not crying cause I was sad or he hurt my feelings but that there are still people out there like this and that I couldn't do something about it.

I'm not used to being called a 'faggot' or getting made fun of for being gay cause most people don't even know I'm gay when they meet me especially since I have a deep voice.

I'm not ashamed of being gay or anything but most of the time people don't know unless we get to know each other.

So it just hit me Sat. that there are people out there who hate me and don't even know me.  Don't judge me on anything I've done, don't appreciate all I have done to help others, but simply cause who I chose to date.

It was the first time I really wanted to fight against thinking like that.  Fight for openness, fight for equality, fight for understanding and unity.

I ultimately don't know what I personally can do or we can do to really get the message across to those that hate and judge us that we are normal people who pay taxes and cross the streets like they do.  Or at least understand that we aren't going anywhere so get over it.

But no one should have to feel how I felt Saturday night, not even for one minute of their lives.  I know we always say things are going to be different in years to come but what about now?

I'm living in the now and I don't want to wait till other people get it.  I don't want to have to feel like that again.

And I shouldn't have to.

I heard that once and it just clicked.

"Teach people how to treat you."

I realize if you allow people to walk all over you, flake on you, hurt you, go out of their way to treat you like crap, and you accept that, you are telling them that that's okay and they are able to treat you that way.

If you put your foot down and let someone know, in a polite and loving manner that it is not okay for them to continue to treat you in this manner, they have to either adjust or stop interacting with you.

I realized I was teaching people how to treat me but not in the way I wanted them to.

I was basically telling people through my actions that I would be the one who would put most work into our friendships, I would do the calling, the planning, the driving, I would go out of my way to make the friendship work, and they wouldn't have to do anything.  In fact, they could walk all over me and I would still pick up my phone the next day and call and text them as if it was okay and make plans with them.

Now, these people not only kept doing the same thing, they didn't even care.  It's not as if they were busy and were doing their best.  They were using me.

So finally I heard that saying and it clicked.

I started teaching people that if you want to be part of my life, I expected to be treated a certain way.  With respect.  I will put 100% in the friendship and I expect the same.

If I call you, call me back.  When your not busy spend sometime with me.  Let me know how your feeling.  Just simple, obvious things that people weren't doing for me in the past.

And so far it seems to be working.  I have taught people that they have to treat me as a person, someone of value, and someone who they need to respect.  And they will get the same thing from me in return.

So remember, "Teach people how to treat you."  And if they refuse to learn, it's time to let them go.

My life has calmed down so much lately.

At first I couldn't figure out why.

I am working and saving money more than ever.  My career goals are busy as hell.  I've been in the gym 4 to 5 days a week.  It should be crazy.

But I realized why.

I gave up on so much bullshit.

That bullshit included bullshit people, unnecessary trips to LA clubs I didn't want to go to anyway, hanging out with people to make them happy, dealing with people who were an effort to get ahold of, messin' w/ immature boys who don't know what they want, the list goes on.

I've just been in such a different place right now.

I still go out but maybe once or twice a month.  I deleted a bunch of people from my phone who shouldn't be in it anyway.  It was an effort to get ahold of them and it's an effort I no longer want to make.  I stopped dating 18 year old boys who still can't figure out if they want a boyfriend or not.  Let go of straight boys who couldn't figure out if they were gay or not this week.  Just let it all go.

We get addicted to the adrenaline that comes along with chaos and drama.  And I became used to it thinking that's how life had to be to be interesting and fun.

Listening to someone who I trust so much's advice, I just let it all go.  Deleted numbers, stopped the effort, started saying no, and switched who I was around.

And here I am.  At first it felt weird.  No drama, none of the adrenaline that comes with it that I was used to.

I was almost bored for a minute. LOL  Like what do I do.

So I started filling up my time with things and people that mattered.  Back in martial arts 2 to 3 times a week looking to get my next belt.

Taking a Spanish class to become fluent and a tennis class to get better.

Joining a beach volleyball team to get back into that.

Gonna give songwriting a try.

Back to writing my book.

Looking to start real friendships with friends gay and straight, and doing normal things like seeing a movie, or playing video games instead of Tigerheat.

Things that matter to me.

I want friendships that matter.  People I can count on.

I wanna date someone who wants to be in a relationship.  And can dedicate some time to me.  Or at least pick up his phone.

I am just really happy.

I was with some friends at Boomer's in Irvine and riding the go carts and as I smashed my cart into one of my friends I just realized how happy I was.

I no longer needed this drama, adrenaline, scene friends, none of that.

And since I've decided to give it up, everything has been falling into place. =)

It's weird. 

Sometimes you've just had enough and something snaps inside of you.

And u do something about it.

That's how I felt. 

I was so tired of reaching out to people who were not reaching out back.  Calling and texting people to no responses.  Trying to help someone with their careers and finding out I'm doing more work then they are even though it's their life.

Hearing from some boy how he truly wants a relationship and then not hearing from him again.  Straight boys that are curious, acting out those feelings on me and then when they get past the point of their comfort, just stop talking to me.

I was done.

I realize that if I'm going to be putting 100% into a friendship, relationship, partnership, work relationship, etc. I expect 100% back.

Relationships with people are a dance.  If you are doing all the work, you are not only going to be the one tired but also pushing them back into a corner.  And vice versa.

So I made a decision.  I was going to start putting out effort only to people I was getting effort back from.

It was like a release.

First I started telling people and confronting how I felt.

My favorite is getting back, "Well, I've been SUPER busy."

No u haven't.  I work for 3 different bartending companies, am hosting and doing interviews for 2 different companies, and working with patients suffering with mental illness online, the phone, and in person.  I can find a minute out of my life to text someone back.

People got offended, but oh well, what can you do?  Ur ass needed to be called out.  U are a flake and a joke of a person.

Then I deleted bitches in my phone.  That's always fun.  I have too many damn numbers anyway.

I deleted all the straight boys in my phone that have said anything to me that was just wwaaaaay gay or have tried putting moves on me.  U can go mess around with someone else u closet fag.  Sorry, that's just how I feel.

And people who want my advice, or help w/ their career, etc. can be doing some of the work too or I'm moving along.

I have realized that the less I have been: going out, focusing on fake ass friends, trying to date immature boys, entertaining the thought of being with a confused straight boy, getting rid of toxic people from my life, I've been happier.

Not only that but I've made some new friends both gay and straight, that I'm really starting to connect with.  And we are connecting outside of gay clubs and other BS like that.

Also, my career is moving a long better, more opportunities, saving more money, just all around doing better.

And anyone reading this, I recommend that to you.  Cause I know you are as sick and tired as me of dealing with people that do not realize what you are worth.

Let them go.

And they will realize it soon enough weather they come begging for you back or not.

But ur going to be too far ahead than them to worry about what they are doing.

I did it.

And it feels great.

I always get that question, what is it that you do?  Cause I do work and keep myself busy a lot and people are always asking me where I work.

I separate what I do in two categories. 

Work and then career.

Work is what I do to pay the bills.

And Career pays bills too, but it's what I want to do in the future and spend the rest of my life doing.

It's not that I don't like my work, cause I actually am a rare breed and love to work, but my Career is the bigger picture and what I'd be happy doing for the rest of my life.

Work for me right now consists of bartending.  I bartend right now for an amazing company called 'Saltwater Events.'

They do really high class and expensive events and I bartend for them.  I've bartended for the family of cast members of "Laguna Beach," the TV show on MTV, fashion shows, charity events, weddings in million dollar mansions over looking the ocean.  It's fantastic, I love my work.  Not only does it pay well and have an amazing staff, but I get to bartend in places I could never even afford to step foot in! LOL

I just started bartending for a similar company, so now have two companies I am working for.  I also would like to get into a gay club again and bartend there a night a week or so. 

Bartending at a gay club is great because not only is it fun and good money, but it gets me out and around my people! LOL

Career-wise, it's a whole nother story.

I went to a film school and earned a degree there.  I worked behind the camera for years in the industry and after winning a contest, I started  VJ'ing in front of the camera for MTV2 and did some stuff for MTV as well.

I now host a TV show called "Amplified" that airs on Time Warner and it's a music show where I interview bands that perform live on our stage and show their music videos, etc.  I also am working with a production company that put on the "World Of Dance Tour" where I interviewed some of the dance crews from "America's Best Dance Crew" (produced by Randy Jackson of American Idol and hosted by Mario Lopez,) such as the founder of Kabba Modern, Fysh and Chicks, and the winners of the show, the Jabbawockeez!  I also interviewed the winner of seasons from "So You Think You Can Dance?" actors in "Step Up 2: The Streets," industry choreographers for Akon, etc. and choreographers for "Center Stage."  I am looking forward to taking all of this to the next level.

After I am done being in front of the camera, I want to go back behind it and direct music videos cause the ones I see on MTV and BET are in need of some help.  I wanna get it back to the creativeness of the Hype Williams days!

I also am VERY interested in abnormal psychology.  I went back and graduated from college and have done some work in conjunction with the UCLA Medical Center and some other programs having to do with that institution.  Deriving, not only from personal experience and family experience, I have also studied immensely on this topic.

For those who don't know what abnormal psychology is, it's someone who has OCD, ADHD, is bi-polar, depressed, etc.

I am now speaking at conferences in front of crowds, I am writing a book on the topic, working with out-patients and people who need or are getting treatment, have been featured in books, featured on a Audio CD on the topic, etc.

My goal is to not only write a book but I want to start a non-profit where children, teens, and young adults can get the help they need if suffering with this since it affects MILLIONS of people.

I also want to work with soldiers in Iraq, when they come back, and are suffering with PTSD.  Not only to get help but to cut down the stigma that comes along with mental illness.

I am also very interested in free lancing and starting my own businesses in other interests like my own company that trains bartenders, provides bartenders, video tapes events and edits them together, and other interests.

I like all of it so far because, a lot of the time, I get to set my own schedules.

Those are the Career goals I have set for myself and WILL accomplish. =)

"Other boys call you’re cell phone boy, you can’t help yourself, cause you’re hot like fire."

So, I was working out and this Jessica Simpson song came on my iPod as I was lifting weights and I couldn’t stop laughing.

This song fits the boys I’ve been dating lately to a tee.

The song is about a guy who thinks he is ’hot like fire,’ so basically he thinks he’s the shit, and because of that he can’t commit and is busy going out w/ his friends at night, flirting, answering other girl’s calls, even though he has a girl.

And he acts as if he can’t help it cause he’s just so hot and has to give all these girls attention back cause they are all giving it to him.

AMEN Jessica.

That’s how the last couple boys I’ve dated have been.

They tell me how hot I am, how they are ready for a relationship, blah blah blah and then when it comes down to it, they tell me they aren’t ready for commitment and not sure what they want.  They say they are young and want to live life.

Which translates into ’going to Tigerheat so I can have random boys hit on me and tell me I’m cute and so I can sleep with a lot of people.’

The reason this song hits home is cause the last couple guys I have dated are hot.  They haven’t had too much more going on for them except one of them, but I will give it to them that they were all hot.

And they all basically told me they aren’t ready to commit.  They are young, and when they go out they have a lot of options and have to play the field.

It cracks me up cause it’s like the song says, ’You go out with your friends at night, like it’s alright, cause you’re hot like fire.’

It’s as if these conceited little shits think that they are so hot it’s a duty for them to go out and bless every gay with their presence at Tigerheat and they need to see how many boys stare at them or hit on them.

And then of course they HAVE to be single cause they have Myspace and have to see how many pic comments they can get telling them how cute they are.

But the reason I ain’t worried is cause us good guys are like Vanilla Bean Cheese Cake with Dark Chocolate drizzled and Fresh Raspberries and mint leaves for dessert while these other lames are like a scoop of no name brand ice cream.

You gonna start missing me and wishing you had me back but it ain’t like that.

Remember, ’you hot like fire.’  You gotta be single cause you can’t get adored if you got a man on ur side.

So do you baby, cause I am for sure gonna do me.

And I’m just glad they all fell flat so early on and I didn’t waste a minute more of my time with them then I did.

Here's a list of things I find annoying:

- "Fierce."  I hate to break it to you fags but the word 'fierce' is OVER.  It has been used, abused, dragged through the mud, and on this season of "Project Runway," that queen, Christian, used it as every other word in his vocabulary and that ruined it for everyone.  So if you are using that word or have it anywhere in your profile, let it go.  Cause it's done.  Also, add 'Fabulous' to that train of thought.

- Guys that dance with you at the club, tell u how fine u are, ask for your number, and then don't call you.  It's like, what was the point of all that if you weren't going to call me? Or if you exchange numbers and you text them and they don't text you back. Hmm..

- People with sucky 'text responsiveness.'  I get it if your at work or something but how come it takes some people days to text you back?  Of course your going to think it's cause they aren't feeling you and then suddenly when you run into them out at the club they are confused why you ignore them.  Comes to find out they aren't 'text people.'  Um, it's 2008 buddy, get with it.  Texting back takes seconds.

- People who call you and don't leave voicemails.  I get it, your SUPER busy :rolls eyes: but it takes a damn second.  You aren't a superstar.  Leave a voicemail like the rest of us.

- Gays that have new best friends each week.  If your top 8 is rotating with 'best friends' faster than Destiny's Child's line up, then they aren't 'best friends.'  Just cause you guys drink together on the weekends don't make you 'best friends.'  It's so annoying.  And add using the word 'bestie' to that list.  The word 'bestie' has never been cute.  So if you have a pic with the tag line, 'Me and my bestie,' delete it.  Now.

- Ugly people with 2,007 pics of them on Myspace.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm gorgeous.  I have issues w/ my self esteem, think I take HORRIBLE regular photos, and when watching myself back on video I either love it or cringe, but I have like one page of pics and a few extra on a second page.  But how come some bucktoothed people with extra weight got themselves shirtless with 6 different pages of pics?  I didn't want to see 1 picture let alone 100.

- People with the same picture at slightly different angles.  We got it the first time buddy, we don't need you to move your camera from a 45 degree angle to a 46 degree angle and post that picture too.

- Emo twinks, with 'that' hairstyle, you know the one I'm talking about, with pictures of their 86 pound body in underwear, with 83,292 comments under it about how hot the pic is.  No, it's not.  First off, eating is the new black.  Put some food in your body.  It's not cute if you have no chest and ribs.  And then put pictures in your underwear like people want to see.  Then it's not cute to cover half of your face with hair.  Continuing on the not cute line of thinking, it is also annoying to have emo ass quotes when your 15 and nothing in your life can be that bad.  Put a shirt on, cut your hair, let some light in your room, and enjoy life.  Thank you.

- And lastly, for this edition of 'Obnoxious,' those damn 'CAPTCHAs.'  You know, where you have to type in the letters and numbers before you can comment.  I get why people have them up, cause there is so much damn spam on this site, but I'm a college graduate and I can't even figure them out sometimes.  The damn letters are all scribbled across and it takes me 5 minutes just to leave a comment cause I can't even figure out which letters you gotta type in. 

But what is annoying, is when people require their email address or last name to be their friend.  Bitch boo.  If I knew that shit, we'd already be Myspace friends.  Stop acting like being ur Myspace friend should be as hard to become as it is to walk into Fort Knox.

Thank u for reading.

I've noticed that avoidance and ignoring someone is how a lot of people deal with situations.

That's not how I was raised.

I was brought up by my Mom that if you have an issue with someone, you two speak it out and come to a conclusion.  You man up, face confrontation, and deal with your problems.  Not run from them.

So when I have an issue with a friend or with a guy I'm dating, I am very honest and upfront.  And say a friend and I are fighting, I may give it some time so we can cool off, but I do not just ignore them.

I let them know I need a couple days to cool off and then lets talk about it.  Even if we decide to never kick it again, at least we had that talk and put an end to it.

I just don't think people were raised like that.

I've had people that could easily talk to me about a situation and we could resolve it and move on but they chose to ignore me.

Which is fine.

Cause in the past I used to get sooo worked up.  It drove me CRAZY if someone ignored me.

No more.

To me, I've gotten the hint.

You are basically saying, "It is easier to run away from my problems and I am too cowardly to deal with the issue at hand."

That's all the answer I need then.

I am going to move on from it.

You want to tell me we're not going to work out through a text, great, have an amazing life!  You don't wanna kick it no more so you ignore my texts and my calls instead of just saying that, Awesome!

I will no longer cry about it, be depressed, or attempt over and over to reach you.

I'm not going to lie, of course I'm going to be hurt.  I care. 

But I will not longer do anything about it.

Too bad everyone can't be like I am.  My sisters and I always deal with things and come to concrete conclusions.

I thought that's how everyone was raised but I guess not.

Too bad not everyone could be brought up by my Mom. ;)

Here are some things that really hit home with me.  Quotes and passages in books.

1. A quote:

     "We gain nothing by being with such as ourselves.  We encourage one another in mediocrity.  I am always longing to be with men more excellent than myself."

It hit home cause I truly feel that when I surround myself with people who are just amazing in character, I grow so much and become someone that surpasses anything I ever wanted for myself.

And in doing so, you also start to see that some of the people that you chose to be with causes you to be mediocre and you start to let them go.

The following are all different paragraphs in a book I just finished reading:

2.      "Before she noticed, she had spent a half hour at her window, minutely examining the steel girders. 

     It was a fault she recognized: to feel beset by so many frustrations, a plethora of loose ends and unsolved problems, that it stymied her.  She also knew the antidote-- To pick any one thing, no matter how trivial, and do it.  Momentum recovered, the next thing would follow."

This hits home so hard.  It's my life to a tee!  I get SO overwhelmed with everything that I just sit there and text, or go on the computer, or watch TV till minutes, hours pass.  And the way for me to beat it is to pick one thing, no matter how small, and just do it.  Get off the couch and do it.  Then I know I will start doing more and more because I have gained back the momentum and energy I need to get things done.

3.      "Do you ever believe in precognition?  That you can see a person for the first time and know, without knowing why, that they are going to change your life?"

Don't you?  You see someone and know that not only are they going to be in your life for a long time but also create such an impact!

4.      "Life is what happens while you're making other plans.

          I've never wanted to believe that."

         "Have you always had a plan?"

         "I'm still living it."

I like this cause both parts are true to me.  You make plans, and got what you want to do for the rest of your life in your head and then life hits ya.  And you have to do a 180 just to continue to stand upright.

But the second part is great.  I really feel, as well, that if you got a plan, a goal so strong and you put everything you have into it, no matter what pops up, you will get around it and achieve that goal.

5.      ".. she realized that she felt more of a glow, a greater freedom than she tended to have with someone she did not know."

I think that's how you know someone is right for you life.  You don't know why, but you find yourself opening up a lot more and sharing with this person that you just met than you normally would with a stranger.  Just something about them makes you feel comfortable.

6.     "What children most wanted from adults is to matter, to be liked for themselves."

My mom always made me feel like I mattered and that's why we're so close. ;)

7.    "A natural leader is someone who never looked back to see who followed.  They just lead."

This is so true.  If you truly believe in something- go for it.  Stand up, take the leadership role and go for it without worrying who is following behind you.  Do it because you believe in it, not because you want others to take your side.

8.     "The apparent lack of self-consciousness made his good looks all the more striking."

When someone is confident in the way they look (WITHOUT being conceited,) it is so attractive.  That they know what they got and are comfortable in their own shoes.

9.     "I'm just wondering how to put this.."  Stella waited; she had long since learned not to throw potential witnesses a life raft."

If you are questioning your significant other about things that do not sit right for you, stay quiet, let them answer.  You don't want to keep talking so they can take something you say and flip it or have a chance to think of a lie.  Ask a direct question and wait for the direct answer.

10.     "You're in danger of letting the perfect be the enemy of the good."

I know I do this.  I want something to be perfect, whether it's a relationship or a job, etc.  And instead of just doing my best and moving on, I anguish over it and look at what is NOT perfect in the situation instead of just enjoying what I have.  This is something I have been vowing to work on.

11.     "You judge people too harshly-- yourself included."

I need to realize people are human, and not everyone is at a place in their life that they are always going to make the best decisions, just as I was.  Give them a chance to learn as well as give my self a break. AMEN!

12.     "I feel even worse than I've ever felt before.  I am so sorry and I don't know how to make you believe that."

          "Have you ever talked like this before?" he asked.

          "No."

          "Then it must mean something."

          "It means everything," she answered.

What I got from this was a character who never apologized.  Never forgave.  And finally, at the end of the story she did and it meant so much to her.  I have learned to forgive and let me tell you, once you open up your heart and start to do so, and realize it's not weakness to forgive, but truly strength, then you start living.

I know this was long but these quotes and parts of this book meant so much to me and I hope something you read hits home for you as well. :)

One thing I've really been working on as I get more mature is honesty.

I'd say I'm a pretty honest person.  I'm pretty damn real and blunt.

So you know most likely what I'm sayin' is the truth and don't have to worry about that switchin' up behind yo back.

It's gotten me in lots of trouble at times, but over all I'm proud about how honest and real I keep it.  I think it's the way my momma raised me cause my sis is the same way.

I've noticed though that sometimes I'm really wary of hurting people's feelings.  So I've said and done things to sort of sugarcoat the situation so they walk away not hurt.

Such as not directly tellin' someone I'm not interested but hinting to it, etc.

Lately I haven't.  I realize that if someone is going to be mad cause I keep it real, then I'd rather them be mad then being happy w/ me spittin' some fake shit.

I've been more real w/ people who aren't texting/calling me back.  You get a courtesy text lettin' u know I'm deleting ur number cause I'm done wit yo ass and then it's one less person to worry about.

If I'm not interested in dating someone, I've kept it pretty gangsta and been like, "I don't think we should date but I do want to be friends."

I know it's hard at first to swallow, but in the long run it's so much better.

That's how I want people to be with me.  If your not interested in me, tell me.  If you don't wanna be friends, text back and forth, whatever, let me know.

I'm a grown man, I can handle it.

I don't understand why people have to lie, or avoid, or come across as shady.

Someone from my past told me they had a problem being in a relationship, they had never been in one.  And we started seeing each other, took it real slow, no sex, nothing really physical, more of spending time together and mental stimulation.

We were getting close but he always sorta held back because he 'wasn't ready for his first relationship.'

So we stopped talking, and now he has a boyfriend like 2 months later.

It's like, why couldn't u just tell me u didn't wanna be boyfriends?  Why waste my time?

Also, I am having the hardest time in the world getting someone to contact me back.  It's like if you don't wanna be friends or talk just tell me.  How is it fair to ignore me and keep me guessing?

I just decided people are gonna do that, ignore instead of telling straight out how they feel.  The games people play are just ridiculous.

So I'm not gonna be part of the problem anymore.

I'm gonna keep it pretty darn real.

And it may not be the answer you like but at least it's the honest one.

And by that I hope people appreciate and respect that they got the truth since they aren't gettin' it from about 80% of the people out there.

Which is sad.