I regret to inform you that my show at Bar 4 in Brooklyn on May 7 is now cancelled. 

As much as I would have loved to see you there, we'll just have to meet up at some other location. I know! How about May 15th at George Street Playhouse in New Brunswick, NJ? That sounds like a GREAT meeting point. And I'll tell you what. I'll even play a set of music. I can get my friend Kate McKinnon to come and do a comedy show to open the night. 

Ok. Then it's set. I'll see you there instead. Sounds like a plan.

Tickets at www.joannaburns.com

-jabes

Hi there Bloggy Bloggersons.
Just wanted to let you know that there is a lot of blogging going on over at the new blog site.
It's: joannaburns.wordpress.com

If you are having blog withdrawal, you can get your fix there. I've posted a few new blogs since we've last spoken. They are on the verge of being videotaped as well, thanks to the new camera I ordered. I know I mentioned the new blog in my last blog but I wanted to give it one more shoutout. And for those of your playing a drinking game...blog.


love, jb

May I direct you, dear friends, to my new blog. It's called JBlog and it lives over at wordpress.com Here's the link!

http://joannaburns.wordpress.com

It's special because I can use all sorts of media, with which I have been having a bit of a party as you'll notice. ;)

Tootles!

-jb

Di...!!! I milked a cow. With my mom. I did not want to do that. I went through a haunted corn maze and was forced through something called a "squeeze machine" that almost made me pee in my pants. I did not expect to do that. I sang "My Girl" as the front-woman to a cover band comprised of 50 year old men. I did not intend to do that. ... Now I'm excited to make a trek out to Delaware and bear witness to something called "Pumpkin Chunkin'." I'm going to get to watch people catapult gourds through the air. My life may never be more complete than it is right now. p.s. I'm not enjoying Twilight very much.

Oh My Dearest Diary! How You've Been Neglected! I've maintained a list of things that have happened in my life that I can't imagine not telling you about. Let's begin. ... ... ... Oh god. I lost my list. I'll have to do it from memory now. Here are 5 events that I can remember. Event #1 Location: My Room A few weeks ago, I became strangely obsessed with the idea of Europeans doing American accents. I thought about how we love to do their accents and how they must do ours as well. And let me tell you, that if you sit up until 3a.m. you will find SO many videos of Europeans doing just that. Here's a link to just one. Clear audio but crappy visual. "Harharharharhar" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdZMaQEInso&feature=related Event #2 Location: Dewey Beach, DE I was nearly murdered on the road by a caravan full of individuals who all bore one thing in common. I won't say what that thing is for fear of offending anyone. But let's just say that their bumper stickers did not match their actions. They pretty much cut me off in the most dangerous way possible and then yelled at me with a demonic face and a series of long honks. I politely burned rubber, pulling up behind them to keep things peaceful, but to still let them know I was not some faceless car they could cut off any day of the week. I was a person! I gave them a few hand signals to let them know that and eventually, we parted ways. Event #3 Location: Asbury Park, NJ I challenged my booking agent Cole Lipman of Hey Cole Presents to a boxing match. She's begun training with a personal trainer. Her hands are a little busted now but she's persevering. Event #4 Location: Dewey Beach, DE I beat Cole Lipman in an arm-wrestling match. I stealthily beat Kate Stewart in an arm-wrestling match. Event #5 Location: My Laundry Room I did 7 chin-ups and capped it off with a tribal dance of joy because I was sure I could not do a single one. I was perhaps a little over-zealous because I went to my trainer and he wanted a repeat performance and I could not deliver...a single one. I guess I'm like that singing frog in a box from the Warner Brothers cartoons who only sings when no one's looking. So Di, that was just a smattering of the actual list. If I ever find it, I'll add more but we can always talk about the rest over coffee one day. with love and a tender kiss, jb

My Dearest Di,
I've collected some information this week while we were apart... Important stuff. Life stuff. Whatever. Don't make fun...
I'd like to now impart this knowledge unto you.
Don't laugh, Di! Stop!... Just listen...
Ok here goes.
I'd like to recommend never to eat falafel right before you sing. Not even as a test of which foods will or will not give you indigestion. Not that I've tried it or anything. I just heard from this girl so I'm being a good friend in telling you that if you ever find yourself faced with that option, go ahead and turn it down.
Likewise, if you should ever come across buffalo shrimp and/or buffalo french fries, you can actually go ahead and eat them but just don't plan on leaving your house after that. Again, not that I've tried it but it's just this girl told me about how she did. And so I'm being a good friend in telling you about the precautions you would need to take, should you find yourself faced with a plate of buffalo shrimp.

I know how you like zesty foods, Di. I'm just saying be responsible about it.

You're welcome.

Oh! And you just reminded me.
If you ever make a fruit smoothie, don't blend it toooo long, because then too much air could get into it and it COULD develop this weird consistency and solidify in the cup. And then when you go to drink it, you MIGHT not be able to get it out at first. And, I've heard, that when you try to tilt the cup back a little farther, it MIGHT all fall in your face as a unit, covering you with fruit smoothie. I've heard. I don't know. The same girl tried it as I guess the one who did all that other stuff.

Don't be an idiot, Di. OF COURSE the smoothie still tasted good!...
Like I said. I'm just being a friend and passing on this information that came my way. From this girl. This stupid, sloppy girl.
And you can do with it what you will.

love, jb

Dear Di,
Nothing fancy here. (Omg. I just accidentally typed dancy instead of fancy. But I fixed it.) No. I know there was no way you could have known that unless I told you.

Moving on, I wanted to let you know that Music From & Inspired By is available at Barnes and Noble of Holmdel, NJ. It will probably be available in OTHER mom and pop establishments like that too, you know, for the purists who prefer the hard copy to the digital...but as of now, that's the place to go. Though let us not forget cdbaby or itunes.

...I may or may not have heard that name somewhere before. Barnes and Noble. oh well. I'll just have to Google it.

Be safe, Di. Close cover before striking.

love, jb

Di,
Happy belated 4th! What did you do? Well I know you didn't let someone pressure you into eating a crappy piece of red, white, and blue overly sweet store-bought cake. And do you know why? Because you're no-nonsense, Di. And because no means no. I admire that about you.

Oh what did I do? Thanks for asking. I went to the Mac store today to rub some salt into the wound that is my unrequited desire for an ipod Touch. What a selfish and flagrant desire it is. I should be wanting an electric car or a solar panel or something. Please know. This is not me. I do not make extravagant purchases. So...I didn't. But on to greater topics...

Everyone should experience this video. I don't know why I didn't post it sooner. I have come to know this gal and appreciate the sheer genius humor that lives inside her. Enjoy.



So I went back to the gym. Don't you hate when you can feel your fat moving around while you run on the treadmill? I thought I did. But I actually kind of like it. It reminds me that I'm doing something physical.

Well, Di, I guess this is goodnight. I've been floating in and out of a narcoleptic state throughout the duration of this entire blog. I guess that's the signal. Until we meet again, old friend...

love, jb

p.s. Home-made red, white, and blue cakes are just fine. Just not the store-bought kind.

Dear Di,
It's hard to find things to write about every day. Or every couple of days. I sort of feel like Neil Patrick Harris at the end of a Doogie Houser episode. One major difference, though, is that I am again hanging quite uncomfortably from the side of my bed as I type this, which is ruining the effect. And the second, and perhaps biggest slap in the face, is the fact that I'm not a 14 year old doctor. But let sleeping dogs lie.

I wrote this new jam. It doesn't have a name yet but I don't care. I guess we could call it "La Isla Bonita" as a working title but I feel like that may already be taken. Whatever.

We will be debuting it Wednesday night at Rockwood Music Hall in NYC and I'm so excited. I'm just busting at the seams. Maybe we can come up with a permanent name as a group...on Wednesday.

love, jb

p.s. NEVER rent The Marine starring John Cena. You're welcome.

Dear Diary,
It's late now by my estimation. And by late, I mean 9:45pm. But as I spent much of yesterday on the beach, I am experiencing some general fatigue. The kind that reminds a body that it really needs to get more active. Like when you jump. Once. And you're sore the next day. That's what this is like.

I should mention, Diary, that as I lay here, leaning way too far off the side of my bed to comfortably type you this message, the right side of my upper lip is swollen. It's not because I got into a fist fight and won...which I did. And it's not because I got firey sunburn on only my lips, which I also did. But rather, I seem to be allergic to something I touched with that singular part of my face...How curious.

Oh well, Diary. Even though I don't know what that something was, at least I now know that baby oil is not the same as baby sunscreen and that I have one mean roundhouse kick, should I need to call upon it again. Until tomorrow.

love, jb

p.s. I didn't really get into a fist fight. I just thought it would make me sound cooler if I said I did.